Chapter XXII

Rias was many things.

She was frustrated.

She was annoyed.

She was off balance, because the addition of a monkey tail made walking something she had to actually put effort into. Mostly because she didn't want to trip and fall on her face. Oh, and there was now a pair of furry ears on top of her head that made her watch to scratch herself every 5 minutes.

And no, she still had her original ears.

Which made her situation even more uncomfortable than it already was, since she was hearing double.

But to fully appreciate the depths of her conundrum one would have to rewind all the way back to the previous day, when, following a humiliating meeting with the chinese Campione, Rias Gremory had been forced to vacate her own club room and slink away with her then proverbial tail between her legs.

'Truly, this has been a terrible week.'

Campione and Heretic Gods alike had wreaked havoc all over her territory. Her authority was defied, ignored, and outright scoffed at in more ways than she thought possible. Having to confront the reality that her word and her power didn't amount to much when it came to such beings had been a bitter pill to swallow.

And Rias resolved to do better.

Resolved to improve and grow strong enough to matter in this world of godslayers and heretics that now threatened to overflow into her everyday life.

And then it happened again.

Just a few days after her first brush with Kuoh's resident Campione, another arrived and caused nothing short of a colossal mess, followed by summoning yet another Heretic God into her city.

It was a mess.

A complete disaster that made Rias wish she was a less stubborn woman.

'Brother would have resolved this situation by now.' Her mind treacherously whispered to her.

Because of course she just had to add self esteem issues to the pile of problems she had to deal with right now. The fact she had been half cursed into some sort of monkey devil notwithstanding. She'd get to that later. But yes, the world seemingly decided that this week it would try to do its very best to show her just how little she could actually do in the face of serious threats.

The only reason things hadn't escalated even further was solely because of Issei Hyoudou.

'And I'm more the fool for it.' Looking up from where she was frying a vast cauldron full of rice, she watched as the young man finished putting on an English butler's outfit. All part of the plan he came up with to trick and defeat the Heretic Zhu Bajie.

He hadn't considered escaping for even a second.

'While he was fighting, I was hiding in a bunker, sitting beyond five layers of wards, and hoping that my spellwork would be enough to let me monitor the situation.'

What a fool she was, in every way possible.

The spells hadn't protected her when the Monkey King was released. Hadn't kept her body from being changed by whatever powers the twisted semblance of Sun Wukong wielded either.

"Buchou! Smells great!" Giving her a thumbs up, the godslayer took up a pose and winked. "Akeno, that fish is shining! I'm sure someone trying to follow the meal tenets will feel a lot better about there being no beef! And, uh, probably best we not try and feed a pig, pork." Suddenly awkward, the schoolboy scratched his cheek. "I'm not sure what the Sutras would say about that, but cannibalism in general is kind of a villain thing."

Snorting, unable to help herself, Rias screwed her face up as she tried not to laugh.

"How can-" She snorted again, having to turn her head to avoid ruining the food. Because Issei had immediately taken an action pose while giving them a double thumbs up again. "How can you be so calm about this?"

"I'm not thinking about it!"

"Um, do you mean you're not worrying about the fight, Issei?"

Akeno's question was almost word for word the heiress's own, so Rias simply nodded and continued stirring.

"Nope. You're just my classmates, not Devils. This is a training arc, not a death match. And everything makes sense."

"That… doesn't sound healthy." Worried about her underclassmen, the Devil frowned and paused her cooking. "Are you ok?"

"When I have time to freak out later, I will be!" Issei slumped over a little. "Truth be told, I don't know what I'm doing, I've got no idea what's even really real anymore, and I'm tired of getting beaten up. But people's lives are on the line, right? So we've gotta step up, like you two did earlier with Bai Long and helping to evacuate the whole city. You've already saved way more people than I ever did."

"Hey now, don't put yourself down. You're the one that made sure everyone worked together."

"Indeed." Sanzang confirmed Rias's words. "All three of you are youths and should be free to play and study, not struggle against the mistakes of adults. However, rather than suffer, you have chosen to endure and to press forwards. This is surely a sign of maturity - of all of you."

Setting down several large cakes, which had been perfectly balanced atop the monk's head, hands, shoulders, and raised elbows, the, allegedly, friendly Heretic God gently took over the rice cooking, gently squeezing Rias's shoulder in the process.

"I say this as someone who has already journeyed with these troublemakers before, sincerely, thank you. All of you." Dipping her head, the reincarnated buddha gave them all a slight bow. "You've shown great respect and kindness when facing them. Even when they've been cruel. So please accept my apologies for all of this."

She didn't know what to feel regarding the Heretic God. If anything, Rias suspected her still, because all the Heretics she had encountered thus far had been difficult to get along with and more than willing to walk over other people to get what they wanted.

'Namely me.'

Twice in a week. It had to be a new record somewhere. Not sure how to deal with… all of that, Rias simply nodded and moved over to redo Issei's tie.

"Here. You gotta be careful if you don't have a mirror."

Leaning in, she didn't notice that the other teenager was blushing until she leaned back. And realized she had been just an inch or two away from him.

And just like that she was blushing, if only a little, and suddenly aware of how tall he seemed and how close they really were. Rias smiled at the awkward response. She was used to the way humans reacted to her by now, it wasn't anything new given her reputed beauty.

'Godslayer or not, a teenager is still a teenager.'

She found that oddly endearing.

"Alright, I'll leave the dishes here, then?"

Issei was rather grateful his back couldn't really be hurt by carrying things anymore.

"Yes, the wind in this location is particularly auspicious. It should carry the scent of the food offerings far. Knowing Pigsy, the promise of food and wine will be more than enough." Across from him, the monk placed down a large bottle of wine, uncorking it with practiced ease, and pouring it down onto a glass with all the grace of a practiced host. While he waddled over with a massive barrel of rice!

Issei was impressed, really, with her grace, but he could have done with a little help. Even if Heretic Gods were sworn enemies with Campione, surely she could have helped him with the twelve trips he had to make!

"Is there anything I should be worried about? Any secret trump cards or aces in the hole?"

Sanzang sighed, adopting a thoughtful pose.

"Unfortunately our manifestations do not come with up to date information on each other's capabilities. The others wouldn't know what I am capable of in this form anymore than I can guess at what their abilities might be. However… if there is one thing you should be mindful of it would be Sha Wujing."

The campione blinked, confused.

"Wujing? Not Bajie?"

The monk nodded gravely.

"By now, the others will have noticed my departure and Bailong's defeat. Doubtlessly they will arrive at the conclusion that I've elected to go rogue and throw Wukong's plan off its intended path. Zhu Bajie is unlikely to think much of it and simply charge ahead, but Sha Wujing won't be as easily deceived. If anything I expect he will have tailed Bajie and will seek a way to disrupt our plans."

That might be a problem.

Issei didn't know a whole lot about Sha Wujing. Out of the three sworn brothers, he was the one with the least information to them, while Zhu Bajie at least was known for having overwhelming desires, and Sun Wukong for his bravery and trickster nature.

The third brother wasn't often spoken about.

"Hmm. I doubt that means he'll lack for strength." With the last of the dishes now placed, about twenty liters of different aromatic liquors now wafting about, and the display prepared, Issei rubbed his chin and tried to recall everything he could about the spirit. "Well, I suppose the problem in this case is that the whole thing is irregular. Goku said he botched your summoning and you made sure to gather as much might as you could. So he's unlikely to have anything too flashy, right?"

"Indeed."

"What the monk isn't saying, though, is that Wujing was still a celestial general." Rias, bandana holding her hair back, apron stained with grease, and cheeks flushed from the heat of the kitchen alighted on the large, open tree bower that the group had selected. "So the only thing you'll be facing is the martial arts, combat experience, and magic of a being on that level."

"And even if he didn't practice cultivation, he still had one quarter of the transformations that Wukong himself had." Akeno, matching her mistress, gently lowered half a dozen pies with her spells. "At the risk of sounding foolish, please do not underestimate him, Issei."

Pinching his inner thigh so hard he'd probably have drawn blood before he gained his powers, Issei had to forcibly drag his mind out of the gutter long enough to nod.

"Y-yeah. Housewives are good too… I mean yeah! Martial arts are still dangerous!"

Thankfully he got a pair of giggles from the other girls and an amused chuckle from the monk… whom he just fantasized about women in front of… and also had wonderful… peaches. Yes. Peaches were safe!

"Yeah. I know." Straightening up, Issei gave the others a firm nod. "It's not something to be discounted and I think he's got the most to prove."

"The fire of an under-dog celestial general." Sanzang sounded a little incredulous. "When I was alive I would have laughed and called you mad if I'd heard that phrase. Still… I suppose you're not wrong."

"He's a little brother, right? He's got to want to break out of his sibling's shadow, no matter how well they get along."

Rias sounded a little exasperated by the Devil and her Queen sat down, resting before the coming performance.

Issei took the time to relax and try to take in their ambush and just… ruminate on how much his friends had done to help him. And on how much danger he'd put his other friends in, too.

Several plastic tables, the sort used at parties, had been arranged in rows, each one laden with a multitude of relatively simple, relatively easy to make dishes. Of course, with the power out a lot of magic had been used to cheat in keeping the dishes fresh, but, well, with rows of rice, potatoes, noodles, fresh breads, jams, jellies, preserves, saucers of honey, small mounds of cheeses, liters and liters and liters of of booze, and no less than six whole peking ducks… it would have to work!

And even if he felt a little woozy, even if the bottom of his elbow still hurt a bit, then all he needed was for just a bit of his blood, which had been slipped into each and every dish, to defeat a pig-demon.

'I really do hate having to use Mineral Garden like a needle, though.' It was rather painful and deeply unpleasant… but the lap pillow he got after had been nice. 'Magical healing really is the best!'

"Oi, oi, oink!"

A cry of victory and the squeal of a pig echoed over the land, followed swiftly by the sound of charging hooves. However the Campione simply wasn't prepared to expect… well… a giant pink plushy, about the size of a double decker bus, to come tearing out of the magical forest - a spade in its mouth as it did so.

Frankly, he should have expected something like this, the guy had been known for a crazy number of transformations, but it was just absurd!

Blessedly, things had been so consistently crazy for so long that he snapped out his stupor quickly enough to dodge when the pig leapt about a hundred meters into the air and launched its spade right at him.

"Hand of stone, pillar of salt, grace of the Goddesses and the echo of ancient gardens, raise the shield of Earth and Blood!"

Spider webs of liquid marble threw themselves skywards, forming a lattice shield. And even as the giant, apparently rather terrifyingly sharp, prongs on the spade cut right through several links in his conjured trap, the rest of the semi-liquid stone caught the tool perfectly - before hardening just enough that the pig couldn't use it's sheer mass to just tear the weapon free as it landed.

"Mineral Garden: Serpent's Web!"

Boosting himself forwards, Issei began using conjured pillars of stone to push his body along an oblique angle away from the feast and behind the pig.

Because with the Heretic God smashing apart his construct, even if the stone itself seemed to be handling its attacks much better, it put the feat at risk. And all he needed to do was convince a lust and gluttony filled demon to chow down on the small mountain of delicacies laid out for it.

"Ah, it's you! The guy from before! Wukong said I could eat you if I beat you up!"

Unfortunately for him, the pig-like heretic wasn't the forgetful sort, and looked just as ready to chow down on him as it had before. Barely dusted from all the effort it took to shatter his reinforced stone. Issei should have expected it, but couldn't help but feel disappointed.

He was fighting a lot of people with super strength lately.

"I really don't wanna get eaten though!" Putting his hands up, he tried not to appear too defenseless. The plan wouldn't work if Zhu Bajie decided it could both eat him and the poisoned offerings, after all.

The giant plushy considered the thought for a second.

Before crossing its arms in denial, while still standing on its hind legs. Frankly it was rather impressive.

"No can do! That's too boring! If you look like a snack, then you are a snack! Do you know how boring it is to not exist? I could have spent all that time napping, eating, or playing, but I was too busy not existing! So now I'm gonna make up for it!"

"Sure, sure! That's a great point. But wouldn't you want to start with a better meal than your brand new butler, Master Pig?"

"Huh?" Tilting its head, the demon squinted its eyes and scrutinized him once more. "Wait, you changed clothes…."

"Of course, Master, I needed to dress properly. And I lacked the adornments of a priest… so I figured this would allow me to lead you to the feast we prepared for such a powerful cultivator, fearsome warrior, and mighty spirit as yourself."

"Fufufu! It's about time someone recognized my greatness! Lead the way, snack boy, and if the feast isn't great enough I'll have to eat you too!"

"As you say Mighty Lord."

Issei… felt relieved. And definitely a bit awestruck. There was no way this could be working. Not this quickly, not this easily, and not against an enemy that should know better than to fall for this!? So, bowing at the waist, he just giggled and smiled and decided that he wouldn't look a gift dragon-horse in the mouth.

Of course, that's when things got a smidge weirder.

Smack!

Did a giant plushie… just smack his ass.

Issei had no idea how to react, in fact, his mind briefly went blank as the large heretic giggled and followed after his tense wooden steps.

'What the hell is my life?'

Fortunately, there wasn't enough time to contemplate the choices which led him to this very moment. Instead Issei recited a few calming mantras he probably was butchering in his mind as he led Zhu Bajie towards the table where the poisoned feast was laid out.

"Oho! Now this is a delight! I could do without the floozies, though, send 'em all away!"

Rias and Akeno, who had dressed up as maids, disappointingly not sexy ones, looked at one another and shrugged.

"As you say Master Pig."

The two revealed their wings and quickly flew back towards the kitchens. Conveniently in range they could listen in on the conversation and unleash their magic in a heartbeat if needed.

Issei simply tugged at his collar as the immense monster trotted over to the nearest table then, in a flash of light, transformed.

And from a cloud of smoke emerged not a great hero of legend, but a tall lady with green hair and light amber eyes wearing what looked like armor made out of its plushy body, large pink gauntlets, and boots mate out of metal. Really, Issei had to do a double take as she sauntered over to the table with stars on her eyes and drool leaking down the corners of her mouth.

"You're a girl? Since when?!"

"Hehe. Bajie is Bajie, you know? I want what I want. Good food, long naps, and cute girls! Why should I look like a grumpy ol' pig demon anyway when I can give myself something nice to look at? Plushies are cute, and people love them. And this form has a super nice body, don't ya think? Hehehe, these new shapeshift powers really are the best!"

Jumping up and then, the heavenly general seemed to take delight in how her… assets seemed to rise and fall with gravity.

Issei very much agreed.

She was rather nice to look at.

'The school bathing suit for clothing is super good, too!'

His opinion was somewhat curbed when she began to literally inhale rice. As in, the pig demon opened its mouth, took a deep breath, and sucked in several kilos of food! An entire duck disappeared in a whirl of crushing teeth, smacking lips, and bulging cheeks, before enough food to feed an entire family was swallowed in less time than it would take him to eat a burger from McDonalds….

"Delicious! Pretty snack boy, more food please!"

Guzzling an entire pitcher of wine, she hopped out of her armor, sat cross legged on the table, and began scooping up fistfuls of food all at once. Yet no matter how much she put away, it was like it just vanished. Issei even watched her put away an entire plate of fried chips!

Yes, she swallowed the actual plate along with the food, it wasn't even making a bulge in her throat.

'Did all the size get… packed away inside that tiny body?'

It was the only explanation he could come up with. If Zhu Bajie was still the 'same', but could only change what she looked like on the outside, that meant her mass and strength were still the same. Just shrunk down to look different.

He gulped nervously.

'Yeah, it's a good thing we made that much food.'

Or perhaps that had been Sanzang's plan from the start? She probably knew they would need a lot of poison to actually have any effect at all on the massive general. Hell, a little bit was enough to get Luo Hao on the back foot, but the spread out dosage didn't even seem to slow down the green haired woman as she scarfed down another serving of seafood.

'To be fair, I didn't use a chant. Not sure why that's important, but I was too busy wincing when I had to jab myself with my own needles. Hmm. Maybe that's something I should ask the monk about later. Still… I hope we made enough food.'

Her appetite was relentless. Or maybe her body was so massive that even Doctor Venom was having a tough time? Either way, she was able to swallow down whole melons, groaning in ecstasy as the spirit ate a whole cake in two bites, and drained a decanter of bourbon in the time it took him to blink.

That was terrifying.

"Ah, this really hits the spot." Burping loudly, Zhu Bajie rubbed her belly. She had already eaten through two thirds of the full blown feast they've put together and yet somehow she didn't even look pale!

"Hey, snack boy!"

Oh sweet merciful Buddha, no.

"Yes… umm… Milady?" He was not about to call her master, his image of the legendary hero was already warped and he didn't need the reminder of the giant teddy slapping his butt earlier.

"I like you!" She said with a winning smile.

Oh… oh no. Did his bad luck strike again?!

"Now marry me!"

On second thought, maybe the poison should actually start working any second now? Because Issei wasn't at all feeling safe with the way her eyes looked him up and down. There was no way he had somehow maxed out her relationship flag by just giving her food!

"I'm sorry… I… don't understand."

He didn't WANT to understand!

"Well, it's simple! I tell the monkey that I ate you, you hide out somewhere and when we leave this place, I can come back to pick you up! That way you can feed me, and compliment me, and give massages and… and… and… we can even hold hands together!"

Covering her face in embarrassment, the heretic rolled side to side as if attempting to dispel her lecherous thoughts. The nosebleed and the steam coming out of her ears didn't exactly imply success, and Issei started wondering whether it was too late to make a run for it.

At least that meant she didn't notice the two devils having to pull the legendary monk back into their hiding place, Sanzang's eyes promising a furious lecture as she tried to get her hands on her disciple.

"Isn't that a bit too fast?! I just wanted you not to eat me!"

The heretic god crossed her arms.

"Well, Bajie wants what Bajie wants. Good food, long naps, and cute boys! I can't eat you if I like you so I'm gonna take you with me. And I'll pet you, and hug you, and feed you and call you-"

And that's when she face planted onto the table, mid sentence.

Issei jumped back, startled. It has been so sudden he didn't even see it coming. Even so, the moment she crashed through the table and into a pile of plates, the Campione made sure to approach her carefully, looking at her for any sign of movement.

"Did… the poison work?" Bucchou's head poked from around the corner, the group standing off to the side for the time being just in case the pig was just playing possum.

That was a good question. She looked way too still for someone who'd just been about to try and abduct him for a wedding.

"She is… breathing. But I think the poison finally started working."

He also looked down at the knife that formed in his hand.

Because this was also part of the plan.

So now he was standing over her.

Blade raised high in the air.

"Damn it."

Issei stabbed a piece of fish and picked it up with the point of the knife.

He couldn't just stab her like this.

"Damn bastard!"

Not thinking, Issei threw himself to the side with a stone pillar, managing to just slip past a thrown monk's staff as it screamed through the place his head had just been. However, as he stumbled backwards, he realized the attack would also hit the unconscious Bajie. So, in the space of half a second, he threw up a sudden wall in front of her… only for the staff to stop mid air.

"Hmmph." A kappa, of all things, appeared over the wall in a burst of sand. Had outstretched, the monk's spade shot upwards and was grabbed. "So you will poison, and slit her throat when she's asleep, but you won't let my sister take a hit from an enemy. What kind of Godslayer are you?"

Angry, Issei jabbed a finger in the heretic's direction.

"Hey! I wasn't going to stab her, you cucumber eating… turtle!" He couldn't think of any better insults in the moment, but, thankfully, the monster growled anyways. "So why don't you watch it since you were trying to take me out with a back stab!"

"And I wouldn't have needed to protect my older sister if you hadn't seduced her, then, when she was poisoned, tried to murder her."

Seduce her?! That was so NOT the plan there!

"I…."

Issei rubbed his face.

"Look, I just don't want my city trashed. Is that too much to ask? And I'd really prefer not to be eaten too, or get my skull staved in-"

A blast of sand shot towards him, a slate of marble appearing just in time to block and for once not getting caved in… even if there were small holes on its side now, making it look like a slice of swiss cheese.

"Bai Long Ma was a good dragon! An honorable companion!"

"Damnit!" The teenager snapped, softening the wall as he parted it. The sand getting stuck instead of piercing through.

"Shut up! He was in pain, you people destroyed my city, and now you're trying to kill me!" Unable to stop himself, he marched towards the infuriating kappa, just as angry as the Heretic God. "So I don't care if you're friends, I don't care if you're angry, I'm not going to let you guilt me into ignoring all of this suffering!"

"Tch. Then come, brat!" The second of the sworn brothers, Sha Wujing, lifted his staff and assumed a stance. "This Sha Wujing shall punish you himself for the transgression against his siblings!"

"All right then!" Manifesting a staff of enchanted marble, the Demon King of Japan assumed a batter's stance. "I'm gonna knock your block off and protect my city!"

The battle was on.