Title: I Would Rather Kill Myself Than Be A Simp!

"Do you mind getting the curtains, Hikigaya-kun?"

Alisa Mikhailovna Kujou and Maria Mikhailovna Kujou had moved into the neighbourhood. Hikigaya knew both sisters courtesy of his acquaintance with Masachika Kuze. However his so called good friend couldn't quite make it today, because of some work related commitment, so the rotten dead fish eyed loner got stuck helping the two half-Russian women with the tedious and mind numbing job of first packing and later unpacking a series of cardboard boxes.

Thankfully his good deed of the week was done and he was about to take his leave before he was wrangled into doing some other stuff for the two beautiful women, when Alisa Mikhailovna Kujou, the younger and much more smarter sister asked him to open the curtains on the window.

He didn't think too much about it. The silver haired half-Russian girl was probably preoccupied with something else, because she wasn't even in the room. Her voice wafted through the open door leading to the sitting room. Hikigaya looked around for a second and thought the room he was in could probably use a little sun.

There was not a lot of thinking involved. He was even standing quite close to the window. But he couldn't quite see what was happening outside because of the curtains. Since he now had Alisa's permission, he could easily remedy the situation.

Hikigaya remembered throwing open the curtains with a bit more force than usual. By now he was a bit annoyed with both the sisters bossing him around. He did most of the heavy lifting and he does mean that literally and neither woman had a problem with that. According to them feminism had a time and a place. But if you need help moving the sofa or the some other piece of furniture in the living room, feminism can take a hike. Yuki Suou's words, not his. And it seemed like the Kujou sisters adhered to that particular sentiment. After all, those three girls were supposed to be good friend.

Funnily enough, Yuki Suou couldn't quite make it today either. Now it wasn't very much like him to text or call up the girl even though he had her number in his phone and she had his latest copy of a shonen manga series which followed the exploits of a harem protagonist and his three blood related sister, but he didn't really want to talk to the weirdo. So he did the next best thing and asked Alisa about her whereabouts and why she couldn't show up to help her friends.

Now for the most part, Alisa didn't even try to defend Yuki Suou. Now he very much understood that she was not throwing her friend under the bus. It was very much in character for her to not defend the actions of the undependable. But Maria Mikhailovna Kujou, the nicer older sister came to her younger sister's friend's rescue and managed a small flimsy excuse at best.

And now the same half-Russian woman was stretched out on a deck chair, topless, working on a suntan in her own backyard. All he did was slide open the curtains, but he must have made a bit of a racket, because Maria heard him and it broke the spell, the peace and tranquility and he felt the need to mentally berate himself. He knew how this looked. He didn't intend to get caught. Now he was in for a world of hurt and humiliation.

"Hikigaya-kun, are you done with Alya's bedroom?" Maria asked in a soothing voice.

Hikigaya, who was expecting fire and brimstone, and a call to the local authorities, didn't quite know how to respond. But he did pride himself on his intellect, so he floundered for only a second or two before his brain kicked things into gear. "Y-Yeah. Everything's done. I was just about to leave."

Maria Mikhailovna Kujou had a much more grounded complexion than her younger sister. Where Alisa's skin was almost translucent, there was a hint of natural colour in her older sister. And from the looks of it, the sun had worked its magic on her. He imagined she might be doing this for a while now. He remembers mowing her lawn a couple of days back. Those deck chairs were there. But she wasn't and neither were her bare breasts, exposed to the elements and his rotten dead fish eyes. He tried to look away. But he couldn't. It was nigh impossible.

For some reason, Maria Mikhailovna Kujou didn't seem to mind. She pushed her sunglasses up until it rested primly on her forehead. Then she rolled over on the deck chair and turned to his side until she was facing him and even though she was the one on the outside, lying naked under the sun, working on a tan, for some reason he was the one who was working up a sweat. "Good." A smile adorned her face and nothing else. "Then you wouldn't mind rubbing some sunscreen on me, would you?" Her voice melted him like butter left out to sizzle on a pan. "I don't want to get sun burnt."

Now that would be simply terrible. Hikigaya remembered throwing open the curtains and taking in the naked form of Maria Mikhailovna Kujou, the hot sun serving as a backdrop even though it was beating down from ontop of her and making her sizzle and work up a tan. The brown haired beauty was topless, her bare breasts pushed out into the open, nipples sticking out, a pair of large sunglasses resting on the bridge of her nose and a bottle of unopened sunblock kept in her outstretched palm. It took him a moment to realize she was waiting for him to respond. How typical. The mere glimpse of a pair of huge breasts had turned the once intelligent male mind into that of a mindless simp. This kind of behaviour was unbecoming of a loner of his high caliber. He wouldn't stand for this. Nope. Not at all.

"…Hikigaya-kun?" Maria Mikhailovna Kujou sounded confused.

Like he said before, Hikigaya Hachiman remembered throwing open the curtains hanging from the window overlooking the backyard of the Kujou sisters' household in a fit of annoyance and rage.

"Hikigaya-kun!?" Maria screamed at the top of her lungs.

But Hikigaya Hachiman didn't remember opening the window and falling down headfirst to his near imminent death.

So what's the lesson here folks?

Easy.

Don't be a simp.

Don't be Hikigaya Hachiman.

THE END

Author's Note: Just a silly one-shot. I'm in the mood to write a bunch of silly, sexy one-shots, so if you want to suggest a female anime character that you want me to pair with Hikigaya Hachiman, please mention their names in the reviews.

Hope you enjoyed this one-shot.

Leave lots and lots of reviews, follow and fave.

I will be back with a new fic soon.

Later 'gators.

Poll#1: Which Female Anime Character Should Be In The Next One-Shot?

Option 1: Frieren - Frieren: Beyond Journey's End.

Option 2: Misaka Clones - A Certain Magical Index.

Option 3: Nino Nakano - Quintessential Quintuplets.

Option 4: Female Anime Character From The Reviews.

Please pick accordingly

Take care