Before we start, this is not a light-hearted story. It contains elements some might find to be disturbing, although I can assure you that there is no graphic violence or explicit sexual content in this fic.
In order to avoid spoilers for those of you who don't need trigger warnings, I've added them in my end notes. If you want to know more about triggering contents, please skip to the end of the chapter, you'll find them there.
To all of you who decided to proceed one way or another: I hope you like this little story!
Keira Lavellan lay wide awake. This was not a new occurrence since she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders and not for a short time at that. But that night, she wasn't restless because of Templars corrupted by Red lyrium or insane Mages, it wasn't about demons pouring out of the Breach or the rifts, not about the events in Haven. This was not about the sorrows of her companions that, too, had been stealing her sleep for a good few of nights; Dorian's issues with his father, Varric's positively escalating enmity with Cassandra, Blackwall's struggle with his own past or Cullen's withdrawals: This, all of this, had once been bound to not let her rest but that had changed, at some point. She had learned to cope and allowed herself to relax.
Sera stirred net to her. The elf turned, still sleeping, seeking the warmth of Keiras body. Finding it, she cuddled firmly to her side. As always, the tender muscles and ginger curves of Sera's body stroke a chord in Keira. Sera had been her refuge, in which she had been able to sit back and forget everything else around them. Those moments, when they kissed, rampaging half naked in her chamber or driving each other halfway over the edge in their bed - these were the moments Keira could be Keira Lavellan again, the Dalish that maybe always wanted to be more. But never so much.
She closed her eyes and buried her face slightly in her girlfriend's disorderly rasped blond hair. Not for the first time Keira tried to sense some sort of scent but failed. It seemed like Sera simply lacked any sort of individual scent for her to hold on to.
Quite unlike …
No, she told herself. No, stop this. She had to be well rested tomorrow like she had to be every day. Available, at her best, as always. She was not just any Dalish, she was the Herald of Andraste, a thought equally as soothing as it was ridiculous. But that was how people saw her and a Herald was not supposed to look like she had just exited the realm of the dead. She had to sleep. Now.
And yet, all encouraging herself was in vein: She felt her heart rate quicken and tried slowing it by taking a few slow breaths. Again Sera stirred, somehow startled by the rapidly beating heart underneath her cheek. She didn't wake up though, Keira realised with a silent sigh of relief. She wouldn't stand a conversation with her now.
Hard to believe anyway that Sera still was oblivious to all this. For two weeks, ever since Keira herself had had to face the incredible truth, this truth nobody but herself knew about, she hadn't slept properly. She was all at sea, was distracted and tended to be to nauseous and ill tempered from time to time. All of a sudden everything she had managed to push aside for at least a few hours was bothering her again. Her world, the world she had built up during her relationship with Sera, had dissolved and crashed down on her feet.
All this because of a single moment of carelessness. Because of the good spirit on this damned festivity with everybody trying to outdrink each other. Because of her damned stupidity.
She didn't even want to think about what happened as soon as somebody else caught wind of it.
Maybe they already had? Leliana had her nose poked in everybody's business after all. And everybody else - surely they would notice soon enough that something was off.
The thought alone made her feel sick.
She pushed Sera from underneath herself, swiftly but carefully, grabbed her long coat she had left over the banister and descended the stairs. She knew the fortress well enough by now to take the shortest way to the little spot on the walls she used to retreat lately. Barely visible and mostly in the dark at that. Being no possible way for an intruder or attacker into the fortress, there were no guards there either.
She reached the spot just in time to lean over and heaved over the wall. For a few seconds she stayed like this, halfway hanging over the castellations and stared into the deep. Like many times before she felt the unpleasant tingle in her feet. The longing to let things slip away. So much for the Herald of Andraste. One spirited leap and she was nothing more than a grease stain on those rocks.
But like any other time it didn't happen. Like any other time she stepped back, retreated the abyss and took a deep breath. And like any other time it did not help.
Still shivering, she slid down the castellations, leaning the back of her head against the ice-cold stone and watched the stars, eyes blinded with tears. An icy wind gripped her to the marrow, making her aware that she was naked underneath her coat. Freezing, she tugged up her legs. The magic in her veins helped a little to warm her but her heart still felt like ice, cold and stern.
Not cold and stern enough or else she might not have such issues solving her problems and thus dispose of all her sorrows. Admittedly maybe not all of them but at the very least those keeping her awake for the last two weeks. She shivered. No, that was definitely not an option. She wouldn't let this happen.
A new thought flashed through her, searing and painful like a lightning strike. What if others would make this decision for her as soon as they knew? She was on her feet in an instant, pacing restlessly. What if she had made an intolerable mistake? Would they go this far? She remembered the scene in Haven, Leliana ordering one of her spies to take down a treacherous spy. He was a friend once, she had said and Keira stood leaning against a pier of her tent, not daring to intercept. It will be different this time, she decided. This time she had made a mistake, yes but she would not allow others to smooth it out for her.
Encouraged by this realisation, she sat back again and laid, no matter how much of a cliche this was, her hand over her belly.
Oh, Keira, she thought and didn't fight back the new tears. Oh Keira just how can you be so daft.
Weariness weighted her down and Keira allowed her thoughts to drift. She did not dare sleeping but she allowed herself to grab for memories so far back they seemed to be from another world entirely.
She had been sixteen when she told the members of her clan that she was interested in women rather than men. She had carried the weight of this realisation for a few weeks, chewed on it like a peace of tough meat until she simply had to spit it out at some point. Nobody else in her clan shared this sort of interest and she feared for the worst. Some of the elder ones turned up their nose at this but the keeper felt like this was nothing to complain about.
"This doesn't change who you are," she had said and had put her arm around her. "It's not important who you love as long as you do it with all of your heart. We have no right to feel offended by your decision, may it be men or women, just like we had no right in feeling offended by your love's hair colour. Your soul is what matters and your soul, child, is good." With that, the matter was kicked into the long grass and nobody with a sane mind was able to contradict.
And then, later this evening, her mother had told her something similar, in the shelter of a loving maternal embrace and her father, ever the humorous man he was, had added: "Well, at least we won't have to worry about you getting inopportunely pregnant."
Tears flowed freely down her face, in the cold night at Skyhold, while she thought of that day. I'm sorry, father, she thought and hugged her legs. Now here I am and this is as much inopportunely as it could possibly be.
It had been Cullen, the gentle, well smelling, on this evening so shitfaced Cullen who had gotten her into that mess. Of course that was selfish. It was as much of her own fault, to be fair, for even in his state he never would have forced himself on her. All she had to do was say no.
No. Such a simple word, ridiculously easy, really, and yet it still hadn't passed her lips as it really mattered. Instead she had allowed herself to be bewitched by him and flirted back. They had left Sera under the table, sleeping it off as she had so often, and retreated into the Commander's chamber, both of them with the blessed assurance that this was what they both longed for: a single night. Nothing more. It was not her first time she was with a man, for other than her sixteen-year-old self had proclaimed, she was interested in both sides of creation - if considerably less in the male one.
And this was the damned night everything had went wrong. And now the Herald of Andraste, a mage of the Dalish, got pregnant by a former templar and commander of the Inquisition's forces.
Like every time, the realisation of her situation hit her with such desperation that she was simply overwhelmed. Not only had she betrayed Sera and was unable to look commander Cullen in the eye. No, in addition there was now a child growing in all this chaos, amidst the war. Most pregnant women had similar thoughts during such a time - is it not careless to throw a child, such a young and defenceless being into such a world? Yet for Keira, it was worse. She was a target, not a day passed without an assassination attempt and additionally she had no idea about how the occurrences in the Temple of Sacred Ashes might have affected her more than just leaving the mark upon her hand. What if she had been changed in more ways than that? She could give birth to the Maker knows what.
Assuming she came that far, that was. There it was again, the tiny, evil voice she had banished earlier on. It doesn't need to. Skyhold is filled with mages who could help you. Surely Vivienne's knowledge alone would suffice.
No. No, that was definitely no option for her. She would not, under no circumstances, take this path. She would not allow an argument there.
But ... which path would she go then? Was this really bearable? What else would be a pregnant Inquisitor, if not an invitation to every single one of their enemies to come and snaffle Skyhold?
Was that what it was in the end - one life against all the others?
Just listen to yourself, she thought bitterly. Cassandra would just say the same. It will be exactly what she'll say once she knows about all this. And Josephine, she will open her eyes wide and be unable to believe this. And Leliana - well, she would keep up her facade as always. And in the end somebody would take matters in their own hands and make sure somebody else got the right mixture of herbs to set up a potion to pour into somebodies tea in such a matter.
Keira didn't know if she believed that herself. She didn't know if her consultants, her friends were going that far. And exactly that was her problem - that she did not know.
The worst would still be Sera, as soon as she realised what this all meant for her. She was no scorned husband, being easily deceived about the child's parentage. Her heart would be broken and all because of one single mistake. If only she had a possibility to reverse all that!
For the briefest of moments, she considered it. In theory, Alexius had proven that turning back time was possible. And, also theoretically speaking, it was possible that Dorian might -
Now that is all bullshit, she interrupted herself and gritted her teeth against the approaching recognition. She was unable to reverse any of this and since she did not want to lose this child she had to tell at least one of her consultants.
Her back stiff and her limbs freezing she stood and cast another glance at the sparkling night sky. Cassandra was not an option, neither was Cullen. So it was Josephine or Leliana. It was a hard decision and one that had to be made soon at that.
A new wave of energy ran through her, like every time she was up and about to chase an idea on instinct. Not soon. Now. She wouldn't wait any longer, she wouldn't torture herself lying next to Sera, knowing that the progeny of her infidelity slowly but steadily grew. She would tell somebody, if not Sera herself right now, she was not ready for this step.
Josie. Leliana.
Leliana?
No. Even though she didn't really expect their spymaster to act against her own will so badly, Josephine had proven herself to be a good friend, especially since the affair with the House of Repose had been sorted out. They spend evenings together on a regular basis, chatting about this and that.
Keira cast another look into the night sky. It really was the dead of the night but to postpone this conversation to be done tomorrow might mean she never found this courage born from desperation again. So now it was.
Buttoning her coat up determinately, she was already on her way to Josephine's chamber.
She was still on her way as she felt her heartbeat slowing. Whatever happened next - this decision had been right.
Trigger warnings: unwanted pregnancy, thoughts about abortion, suicidal thoughts (very shortly mentioned)
Something I wanted to add: I know that this is a sensitive topic and I have never been in the position to make such a decision. Please note that this is just fiction and not my personal opinion on such matters. It was an idea that crossed my mind quite a long time ago and that I decided to write down.
Still, I thank you very much for reading my story. I'd love to hear your thoughts on it.