The Paladin Gamer

by SoGAlpha

First fic ever. Self insert OC. Methodical slow burn type story, sort of. Eventual world hopping. Content Context; Murder, war, blood, violence, lunacy, faith, lots of explosives, anything jarring that happens in real life to be honest can happen here, I'm not going to list every trigger warning ever, read at your own discretion.

1. Chapter 1: A Gamer's Genesis (D&D)

It was sunset. The sky was awash in oranges and gold. It was serene, it was warm, and truly it was beautiful. The breeze was refreshing as it flirted with my clothes. I found myself in a sea of fresh grass, a plain of green as far as my eyes could see. Mountains, hills, forestry and the ocean encircled the horizons. I knew I was no longer home or that this was no dream. I was afloat upon my emotions, my soul drinking in the scenery around me like a man fresh out of a desert journey. No, this was no dream. But I wouldn't blame anyone for thinking of it as one. No, no, much more than a dream, a whole new world. Or rather forgotten, the Forgotten Realms. The lands of Faerun. The default world setting for the many adventures that take place in the franchises of Dungeons and Dragons. Well I say default because there are others but never mind that now.

I was transported from my realm, from Earth by way of a blessing from our Lord. And what a blessing it was, as strange as it may seem. I couldn't help but smile as joy began to break through the imposed calm that was pitched upon my mind. For there was a semi-transparent screen, golden in color with black text in front of me.

[Welcome to your tutorial world Arthur. Enjoy.]

["So a dragon walks into a dungeon" Main Quest received!

Objective 1; Survive.

Objective 2: Reach 20th level minimum

Objective 3: Complete 2 Grand Quests minimum

Reward: ?

Penalty for failure; Death.]

"Oh yes, how very informative and wonderful." I said sarcastically.

[Multiple data packages have been found within your phone that are compatible with the laws of this world, would you like to apply them?]

To think my phone would still work in this realm initially, that's neat. As for the data packs, ha, must've been my brews, as if I'd ever say no to them, "Yes, apply them all."

I turned off my phone and placed it within my inventory while the system downloaded and integrated my documents into the very being of this world. I couldn't help but smile at the thought of all the mayhem and danger I'd be getting myself into. After that the system asked me if I wanted to choose my class manually or take a quick test to see which one suited me most. I figured I'd humor both it and myself and took the test, and to no one's surprise I was gifted with; The Paladin. Blissful, delightful, righteously so. The pain that followed right after however wasn't. Have you ever been shot, stabbed or shocked? Or have you ever had a muscle cramp before, the chances of you having experienced that are most likely higher than the other three, regardless though that's what it felt like. The only only difference is this wasn't a normal muscle cramp in the calf muscle, no, it was essentially my whole body falling to the dirt and writhing in pain. Naturally to be a paladin one needs not only faith but the mental acuity and physical power to back it up. That's where the headache came in as my brain downloaded every and any skill and proficiency needed. Muscles shifting and heart throbbing as I began to sweat, grunting in pain, breath stopping only to begin again. By the end of my ordeal I was dirtier than before and the moon was within the sky. Good news though, it was done. I now had my blessing and my class along with all the starting equipment necessary to act as a proper starting paladin. How courteous.

"Status."

[Name; Arthur
Level; 1 (0/300XP till Level 2)

HP; 16/16 (1 hp per 10 minutes)

Stamina Points; 18/18 (1 stp per 10 minutes)

Lay on Hands; 5/5

Stats;

Str; 13 (+1)

Dex; 13 (+1)

Con; 18 (+4)

Int; 16 (+3)

Wis; 19 (+4)

Cha; 16 (+3)

Proficiency; +2

Passive Perception; 16

Armor Class/Damage Reduction;

14 (Unarmored) 18 (Chainmail + shield)/ 0 DR

Movement speed; 40ft - 80ft

Class; Paladin 1/20

Money; 20 $

SAVING THROWS

Str; 1

Dex; 1

Con; 4

Int; 3

Wis; 6 (4+2)

Cha; 5 (3+2)

ATTACKS

Physical Attacks;

Body; +3 to hit; 2 Bludgeoning dmg (1 StP)

Longsword; +3 to hit; 2-9 Slashing dmg (2 StP)

SKILLS

Acrobatics (Dex); 1

Animal Handling (Wis); 4

Arcana (Int); 3

Athletics (Str); 3 (1+2)

*Cooking (Int); 3

*Cleaning (Str); 3 (1+2)

Deception (Cha); 3

History (Int); 3

Insight (Wis); 4

Intimidation (Cha); 3

Investigation (Int); 3

Medicine (Wis); 4

Nature (Int); 3

Perception (Wis); 6 (4+2)

Performance (Cha); 3

Persuasion (Cha); 3

Religion (Int); 5 (3+2)

Sleight of Hand (Dex); 1

Stealth (Dex); 1

Survival (Wis); 6 (4+2)

PERKS/BOONS/FEATS;

Perk; Gamer's Mind (Passive); Numbs the emotional stress of intense situations.

Perk; Gamer's Body (Passive); Allows the player to live their life as a game.

Perk; Analyze (Passive); Reveals the truth of whatever the gamer sees.

—-

Feat of Toughness (Passive);
Your hit point maximum increases by an amount equal to twice your level when you gain this feat. Whenever you gain a level thereafter, your hit point maximum increases by an additional 2 hit points.]

I groaned at the screen display. These were nice to know, no, they were vital to know. That being said I still groaned.

"Edit screen coloring, dark mode, remove the saving throws, attacks and skills boxes, then display the status again."

[Name; Arthur
Level; 1 (0/300XP till Level 2)

HP; 16/16 (1 hp per 10 minutes)

Stamina Points; 18/18 (1 stp per 10 minutes)

Lay on Hands; 5/5

Stats;

Str; 13 (+1)

Dex; 13 (+1)

Con; 18 (+4)

Int; 16 (+3)

Wis; 19 (+4)

Cha; 16 (+3)

Proficiency; +2

Passive Perception; 16

Armor Class/Damage Reduction;

14 (Unarmored) 18 (Chainmail + shield)/ 0 DR

Movement speed; 40ft - 80ft

Class; Paladin 1/20

Money; 20 $

PERKS/BOONS/FEATS;

Perk; Gamer's Mind (Passive); Numbs the emotional stress of intense situations.

Perk; Gamer's Body (Passive); Allows the player to live their life as a game.

Perk; Analyze (Passive); Reveals the truth of whatever the gamer sees.

—-

Feat of Toughness (Passive);
Your hit point maximum increases by an amount equal to twice your level when you gain this feat. Whenever you gain a level thereafter, your hit point maximum increases by an additional 2 hit points.]

"Yeah that's better, more manageable."

I sighed as my back ached. I was definitely going to bed in the field, sue me. I didn't care. I glanced at the other tabs aside from the currently open Status tab, so it was as follows; Inventory, Market, Map, and Reputation. How quaint. I couldn't find it in me to be anymore sarcastic, sleep itself soon had me in its clutches. Anything to get me away from the soreness and mental pain.

When I awoke I was greeted with another screen, all refillable values had been restored, I was in perfect tip top shape. Thank God nothing had decided to murder me in my sleep or that I didn't die from the environment. I decided to examine my starting equipment. One Longsword and a shield, five javelins, an explorer's pack; (Included a backpack, a bedroll, a mess kit, a tinderbox, ten torches, ten days of rations, and a waterskin. The pack also had fifty feet of hempen rope strapped to the side of it.) and finally the chainmail itself. All in all decent, some would say nearing the line of starting off too well. Regardless though I decided to sell the javelins. Ten less pounds of weight and two gold and five silver more for my budget. I immediately placed my explorer's pack in my inventory, no way I'm going to be lugging that around all day thank you. Putting on my armor and such was amusing, it was akin to being half asleep, a trance state even as my mind went over the steps I had downloaded last night.

With a sigh I stretched and opened up the Map tab. It was akin to Google maps, I already wanted to close it. I grimaced as the data loaded itself. One hundred and fifty miles by one hundred and twenty miles of information revealed itself before me on the screen. I had found myself along the "Sword Coast" because of course I had. The city of Neverwinter was towards the northwest along the High road. To the southeast was the town of Phandalin. I paused musing to myself, deciding to go for the latter even if the former was closer. Cities are overrated. Granted I'm biased saying that as a semi-city slicker. But before I did any of that I decided to investigate this quaint little spot named "Dragon Barrow".

From what I was able to view on the map and physical surveillance as I trekked along the hillside there was a reason for the name it had. The skeletal remains of a dragon had decided to rest here. Its vertebrae sticking out ten feet tall occasionally from the already thirty foot high plateau. An amazing example of petrification really. Took me a few good tries to topple over one of the bone-rocks but sure enough I found the entrance and made my way down the spiral. Torch in my left hand, longsword in my right. I always wondered what my first monster- enemy to fight would be, a kobold? A slime? A goblin? No, it was none of those things, it was a damn will-o-wisp. I scoffed and nearly fell over myself as I used Analyze to see into its stats. This little piece of crap had a whopping twenty two HP! Not to mention the resistances on it, bloody- I sighed in irritation as I made my way towards it down the southernmost tunnel. Where I then proceeded to fall into a spike pit. Forget the will-o-wisp for a second, my first enemy was myself. How cliche, yet thematic. I let out a string of curses as I saw that a single spike trap had robbed me a third of my health. Oh great the will-o-wisp is coming in for the kill. I smacked it across what I assumed was its face. Golden light flickering off my flesh as it washed over the sterile blue of the undead pest. It warbled and faded away as it left me alone, still not vanquished but knowing now not to mess with me, good.

I sighed as I stashed two of the four rusty short swords in my inventory and took note of the fact that my Lay on Hands pool was now empty. After getting myself out of that pit using the other two swords as pitons I made my way into the southernmost room and was greeted with a horse. An undead horse. A pile of horse bones reanimated itself in front of me and was now standing before me. Yes, I screamed. This went beyond imagination and taxidermy this was a legitimately undead BONE HORSE RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME OH MY GOSH. It wasn't attacking me. It was just standing there…menacingly. Ok not really but I digress. It lowered its head as I stretched my hand out. I was petting the undead bone horse. What is my life?

"I will name thee Mellow. Get it, cause it's close enough to the word marrow, like the bone- alright I'll stop." I chuckled and sighed.

Ah right, I was trapped now due to there being a pit spanning the whole width of the tunnel now, no, no wait. I could jump it. I could easily jump five feet before this is nothing. And so I did. I was worried that Mellow wouldn't be able to make it due to their size but with a running start and a graze to the ceiling with their spinal column they managed to jump the gap too. It was then that Mellow began to neigh and motion for me to choose the western tunnel. I paused in front of the spike trap- the covered camouflaged spike trap. My internal light bulb lit up as I went to the Market tab to look for ladders, and they were only one silver piece each! I bought five, busted the cover, placed the ladder down, looted the four short swords and climbed back out the pit. Mellow followed with a leap of their own as we came across a small room with four tombs.

"Alright- hold on, Mellow are you a boy or a girl?"

I received a neigh in response.

"Girl, got it."

She trotted over to the upper right sarcophagus and tapped her skull against it. One crowbar and two gold pieces later and I managed to pry the lids off. Damn things were dense, made of pure granite. One "Lute of Illusions" and one "Necklace of Fireballs". Tempting very tempting, the latter that is, the lute was honestly useless, no offense to bards. That being said, I wasn't planning on using magic items or magic at all if I could help it. It's heresy after all. The lute sold for fifty gold while the necklace sold for five thousand. I was having some seller's remorse but it is what it is. In other news I loved the Market tab oh so much. We were best friends, well next to me and Mellow that is. I heaved the lids back on and let Mellow take the lead for now.

I furrowed my brow as we came across two more sarcophagi. Who the hell entombed these adventurers? I didn't bother messing with these ones, I could only bothered to mess with so many graves in one day you know. But from the way Mellow lowered her head against the one on the right side of the cave she was most likely paying respect to her previous owner. What did draw my eye however was the longsword dyed a vibrant saturated green atop the skull and other skeletal remains of a huge dragon.

"Azdraka, 'Bane of the High Road'. Once a huge sized Adult green dragon. Well that explains the sword then."

I ignored the sword and bought a pick-axe and a shovel. I had bones to sell. The Market took a while to calculate everything. I managed to dig up the neck bones, the rest of the skeleton was just sealed off too much via dirt and rocks and I didn't feel like dying from a cave in. In the end I managed to gain a profit of three thousand one hundred gold pieces via thirty two teeth, the skull and about eleven vertebrae. Suffice to say I was weary but happy. And I was nearly back up to full health too, sweet. Only one thing left to do and worry over. That dang magic sword. It like all other things in this dungeon was most likely rigged and trapped in some way shape or form so after searching for any physical and mechanical traps and coming up with nothing I figured it'd be magical in nature, go figure. Knowing magic to be a load of flaming excrement let's say I decided to flip off whatever would be summoned here as a means of guarding the sword. So I opened up the Market tab once more and searched for mundane items with some good range of damage and that's when I came across man's second best friend. Dynamite. And it, like the good word of the Lord, was FREE. It had no monetary cost, why? WHO CARES? I sure didn't! I wasn't going to deny such a gift as this! I proceeded to buy ninety sticks of dynamite as I laughed and cackled like a madman. I regret nothing.

I rigged the dynamite to the surrounding walls and attached that fifty feet of rope around the "Dragon slayer" sword. I backtracked near the staircase and lit the charges, waiting, waiting, I gave the rope a tug and there it was. A sickening distortion of air being sucked in as the guardian magically spawned forth in front of the sword. No doubt ready to kill me, only I wasn't there. You know what was there to greet it though? Its own death. Was it overkill? YES. Did I care? NO. It was akin to fireworks on the fourth of July, only more thunderous and not as flashy at all, I had to close my eyes as some of the air shot towards any open space it could to relieve itself. My ears practically popped, and the entire northernmost area of the dungeon caved in on itself. But the blessings keep on coming because now the rest of Azdraka was unearthed and the sword was still intact, rope and all. Finally I also received a few new notifications.

[Invisible Stalker has been slain! 2,300XP gained! 2,300GP gained!]

[Congratulations! You have reached 2nd level!]

[Congratulations! You have reached 3rd level!]

"Sweet."

I exited the dungeon, hopped aboard Mellow and we made our way over to the new cave I "excavated" with my explosives up north, magic sword making its way towards my hands along the way. I sold it for five thousand gold and then proceeded to spend the next hour or two excavating Azdraka and selling his skeleton off for four hundred ninety eight thousand gold pieces. I love my life so much. Who wouldn't at this moment honestly. Second day in another reality and I was already sitting at little over half a million and it wasn't even noon yet. Life is good. Who the heck needs magic items when I have free dynamite? I giggled and laid down on the floor. Adrenaline and anxiety slowly left my body only for it to be replaced by pain.

[Warning, you have been poisoned! Rolls and Checks will be half as effective until healed!]

…Of course. Ah y'know what, it was the rusty shortswords that did me in there. Oh well. I groaned as I rolled over and sat up draining my waterskin dry in the process. Thank God for water. It's the little things in life. Speaking of God heh…no time like the present to cement my oath, I was now third level after all and poisoned to boot! Seems like a great time to me. I plunged the tip of my longsword into the soil and sighed as I wracked my brain for a prayer.

"I swear to uphold and defend all that is good, holy and righteous in the eyes of our Lord God and our saviour Jesus Christ. To defend the fatherless and the widow. The downtrodden and the weak. To bring peace and rest to the weary and be a light unto others. For you God are like a lamp unto my feet to walk. May grace cover my failings and by the Holy Spirit convict me to do what is right and what needs to be done. Not my way, but your way O Lord. For yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever, Amen."

Was it the most professional, well thought out, master crafted prayer to ever grace the earth? No. I won't even bother to pretend and joke that it was. But it was genuine nonetheless and that's what truly matters in the end.

[Congratulations you have unlocked Radiance/Holy Affinity!]

[Congratulations you have unlocked Fire Affinity!]

[Congratulations you have unlocked Ice/Cold Affinity!]

[Congratulations you have unlocked Lightning Affinity!]

[Congratulations you have unlocked Thunder Affinity!]

[Congratulations you have unlocked Psychic Affinity!]

[Congratulations you have unlocked Acid Affinity!]

[Congratulations you have unlocked Poison Affinity!]

How awesome, so many at once, and ironic regarding that last one. Ha. I sighed and decided to take a nap. I was burnt out. Little did I know how much an effect that one prayer would have in this realm later on. Thankfully I slept like a rock and had no dreams, waking up about two hours later, now it was noon. Mellow was still there watching over me from a few feet away. I couldn't help but smile. That and Gamer's Mind was helping me get used to having an actual undead horse as my steed. It was then that my attention was brought elsewhere by the sound of trotting hooves, only it wasn't another horse that met me, rather it was a centaur.

"Analyze." I whispered.

[Name; Xanth, Guardian of the Neverwinter Wood

CR; 2 (450XP)

HP; 45/45

Stats;

Str; 18 (+4)

Dex; 14 (+2)

Con; 14 (+2)

Int; 14 (+2)

Wis; 14 (+2)

Cha; 14 (+2)

Proficiency; +2

Passive Perception; 16

Armor Class/Damage Reduction;

12 (Unarmored)

Movement speed; 60ft - 120ft]

There was more to be read but I wasn't reading all that frankly, I got what I needed the most in terms of information. His stats and speed were above average in regards to a standard default centaur, good for him.

"Ho there adventurer good day to you. Ah, are you alright?"

Xanth's voice was deep but gentle. He had the musculature fitting of a steed and a warrior if his bow and pike were anything to go by. A long mane of silver hair contrasted the tawny skin and chocolate brown hide of his body. Naturally being a centaur he was also around eight feet tall. I couldn't help but smile as his eyes glanced at Mellow and the remains of the north section of Dragon Barrow and then back to me.

"Oh you know just some good old dungeon delving! Aside from the poison I'm as right as rain!" I cracked my back as I rose from my seated position. "So how is your day Xanth?"

"Poisoned you say? Well that won't do at all, though you do look fine aside from being a bit uncomfortable, wait, how do you know my name? Have we met before, traveler?"

"No I cannot say I have, in fact, you are my very first centaur, congratulations Xanth. You see it was the heavens that told me your name." I replied with a chuckle.

He paused as he pondered the answer, nodding his head. "Yes the heavens, ah that reminds me, Neverwinter Wood has become overrun with orcs, in league with half-orc spellcasters. Deep in the forest, atop a cave-riddled hill, is a circle of standing stones where the evil half-orcs perform their dark rites to Talos the Storm Lord. I would be eternally grateful for your assistance in vanquishing them."

I fluttered my lips as I took that information in. "Orcs, spellcasting half orcs and a rageful god of storms, that sounds quite lovely." My sarcasm was evident at the end. I furrowed my brow and wetted my lips before I grinned. "Xanth, I shall help you reclaim your forest and I will drive out these orcs for good!"

Suffice to say he was over the moon from my proclamation. "Yes! Thank you young man, tell me please, what is your name?"

"Arthur." I uttered as I seated myself atop Mellow and trailed aside Xanth towards the forest.

We covered fifty miles of land in one day on horseback. Suffice to say with it being my first time on horseback and being still poisoned my body was a tad sore. We reached our destination by nightfall. Xanth for all his grace was rightfully exhausted, what was supposed to be a two day journey was blitzed into one. Thankfully we both agreed to make camp for now, we both really needed it. I bought an antidote for the poison when Xanth wasn't looking, it was worth the one hundred gold spent. I chuckled to myself as we set up camp, I haven't gone camping in so long and here I was flirting with danger as an adventurer.

[May 20th, 2023 7:00AM]

Last night's sleep was wonderful, we didn't get murdered while we slept, praise God. Xanth informed me as we ate breakfast of the Talos worshippers upon the hill, I kid you not they call themselves anchorites. Thematic but a tad cheesy, dare I say lame. Casting God knows what on that hill with their magic, probably destroying nature and performing blood rituals. The nerve. I made sure to let Xanth take the lead up the hill as I opened up the Market tab. I was dealing with magi and orcs and honestly the unpredictable due to the nature of magic. My solution? More dynamite! I once again "bought" ninety sticks of dynamite and placed them in my inventory. Who knew shopping could be so much fun. I sighed as I looked through the catalog, not satisfied yet. Though something of note, there are grenades apparently available to be bought, if they had an actual cost to them. They, like the dynamite sticks, were technically free. I couldn't help but laugh and cackle internally. I was very tempted to buy them but chose not to, the dynamite gave more bang for your buck, pun definitely intended. Kegs of Alchemist Fire, now we're talking, definitely something to use in the future, they too were practically free for the taking. I don't know who forgot to put price tags on all these items but hey, thank you very much! Sure I could use it right now and napalm the orcs to the death but who is to say they don't have magic that will revive their comrades or just charge at me and attempt to maul me while being on fire anyway? This is D&D after all. Memories of hearing men being burned to death crossed my mind, I grimaced and shook my head. Not a good association but perhaps the one I needed. Oh right, I also didn't want to tempt fate by starting hill fires and forest fires.

Plenty of lovely firearms but I wasn't about to let the mortals of this world have them or discover them. Besides magic was still a thing. Last thing I need is a wizard wielding an arcane glock or M9. Damned wizards… Oh the grenades made a comeback! Tangler grenades, sticky bombs essentially, "stay in place and don't move please and thank you". Well don't mind if I do. I "bought" twenty for fun. My shopping and digging paid off after all, what joy. So it was, we finally made it to our thunderous stonehenge. Ominous storm clouds swirled in the sky as we meandered around the base of the ninety foot tall hill. Trees spread across its slopes as if to give a sign of life. Two ghastly figures who I assumed were most likely the wizard orcs- anchorites danced within the henge far up upon the plateau, surrounded by a number of smaller capering creatures. I couldn't be bothered to decipher what they were honestly.

"Hey Xanth as much as I want to do a blind charge of glory and all that, do you mind if I patrol the hill a few times?"

"By all means Arthur, yet make haste lest they complete their unholy rituals."

"Thank you."

Going clockwise from the north at varying degrees of elevation I began my patrol. There were small alcoves, dug outs, caves serving as bases for the anchorites nestled within the hill, the hill that was ninety feet tall at the peak mind you. Mellow was a very good horse. All in all I managed to uncover a "Potion of invulnerability" and a "+1 shield" for all my snooping around as well as setting a poor scared innocent doe free. Poor thing honestly, I'm going to make sure those bastards pay. Yes I sold the items I pilfered, I wasn't going to just give up five thousand two hundred and fifty gold. By God was that potion tempting to use though. I sighed in irritation, sure I was higher in level now but I was still outnumbered. I got atop Mellow and reconvened with Xanth.

"Alright I'm ready to rush in now, if I need your help I'll just scream your name."

Xanth chuckled at that and nodded his head and up we went! You should've seen their faces when we practically burst in on their party uninvited, especially when I threw the first pack at them.

[Twig Blight has been slain x2! 50XP gained! 50GP gained!]

[Anchorite of Talos Flenz has been slain! 700XP gained! 700GP gained!]

[Anchorite of Talos Narux has been slain! 700XP gained! 700GP gained!]

[Congratulations! You have reached 4th level!]

"Woah, sweet."

We had no time to rest in our sense of security or even make light of anxiety or anti-climatic events since our enemies decided to clap back at us as fast as we did them. With a stroke of lightning scorching the center of the hill it was there that the true boss was summoned.

"Analyze."

[Name; Gorthok, The Thunder Boar

CR; 6 (2,300XP)

HP; 73/73

Stats;

Str; 20 (+5)

Dex; 11 (+0)

Con; 20 (+5)

Int; 11 (+0)

Wis; 11 (+0)

Cha; 14 (+2)

Proficiency; +3

Passive Perception; 13

Armor Class/Damage Reduction;

15 (Unarmored)

Movement speed; 50ft - 100ft]

What little remained of the anchorite's bruised and bombarded bodies were crushed and smeared under the hooves of the thirty foot tall thunder boar. With beautiful teal colored tusks that crackled with lightning to the sheen of the black hide, this truly was no mere beast but a storm personified. One of the boars of Talos. I immediately threw a tangler grenade at his legs. Success! The monstrosity had been restrained, and squealed with enough force to make the ground shake. I grit my teeth in order to calm my nerves as I firmly grasped another pack of dynamite. Before I could launch it however, Gorthok decided to blast back his own means of restraint, lightning. Watching his four tusks crackle and act as charging points as the facsimile of lightning spear towards my face was honestly mesmerizing. It was less mesmerizing when I failed to dodge it properly. It was akin to a cold chill running through my flesh followed by sporadic muscle cramps and finally a horrid burning sensation as the scent of semi cooked flesh hit my nose.

[Warning you are at half health!]

[Congratulations you have unlocked Lightning Resistance 1/100]

"No pain no gain." I coughed as I got back up.

I flipped Gorthok off as I threw the dynamite at his face. Knowing how much power it had and that it was practically a personal pet of Talos and that it could shoot lightning I wasn't that surprised to see it wasn't as affected by the explosives. Still managed to knock him down to near half health though. Now thoroughly enraged it had no trouble ripping through the webs and stomping the floor, it was ready to murder me. However, dynamite, also, God bless tangler grenades. Another pack of dynamite flew at his face. Thunder bombarded my ears as Gorthok's electricity shifted from teal to red in color.

"Uh oh."

The last thing I saw before I blacked out was crimson lightning passing through me. I had lost. What a frustrating feeling. Still an opportunity to learn though. I don't know what Xanth did but he did bring me back from the brink of death, and finished off Gorthok. Need to let the forest guardian guard his forest right? Damn. I was admittedly frustrated at myself for having lost that kill.

[Warning you are at the brink of death!]

[Congratulations you have unlocked Lightning Resistance 2/100]

[Congratulations you have unlocked Necrotic/Death Affinity!]

Not now system. I gritted my teeth as I focused my will on healing, I could feel my body warm up as Lay on Hands mended my flesh. God it felt good to be a paladin.

"Thanks for the help Xanth."

"No need Arthur I should be thanking you for risking your life to help me in the first place, though I must apologize for not stepping in sooner even if you didn't yell for me. Your method of fighting just…well it had me stupefied really."

Our chat was so rudely interrupted by two orcs and another Anchorite. They were dealt with as swiftly as they had arrived. I don't think I need to tell you the means of how.

[Anchorite of Talos Yargath has been slain! 700XP gained! 700GP gained!]

[Orc has been slain x2! 200XP gained! 200GP gained!]

"It has its merits nonetheless." I grinned as I looked back at Xanth.

"Though it is certainly gory when used on the living." Especially since at times with enough heat and force flesh could liquify- I shook my head and sighed. It was a matter of survival, no need to be sympathetic. Plus I delivered them swift deaths as well, it is what it is. That reminds me I had a feat to pick, let there by joy.

[May 21st, 2023 11:00AM]

Nearly dying before lunch? How tragic. Praise God I lived. Though something tells me this wouldn't be the end of my troubles with the orcs given that patrol. Xanth and I had lunch atop the hill as we watched the sky calm down and begin its shift from a stormy grey to a lovely blue.

"So there's a mansion in the forest that was built by a wizard- because of course it had to be a wizard- that the anchorites are repurposing?"

"Yes, to the south of here, we should still reach them within the day."

I stroked my face in thought. I was getting a tad sleepy now that things were calmer, especially with a full belly.

"I should be able to handle this by myself, if no more thunder boars are summoned."

"While I do not doubt you Arthur I still believe I should come along."

"Heh, very well, safety in numbers after all."

So we departed from the henge heading southward. Xanth taking the lead once more gave me the opportunity to shop in peace. I bought a Healer's kit and browsed through a litany of feats I could grab. I was tempted then and there to take the Healer Feat. It was useful after all when I couldn't use my Lay on Hands or was tapped out of Miracles.

[Feat; Healer (Active); When you use a healer's kit to stabilize a dying creature, that creature also regains 1 hit point. You can spend one use of a healer's kit to tend to a creature and restore 1d6 + 4 hit points to it, plus additional hit points equal to the creature's maximum number of Hit Dice. The creature can't regain hit points from this feat again until it finishes a short or long rest.]

Very useful, in my opinion. Though there are others as well that caught my eyes.

[Feat; Dungeon Delver (Passive); You have advantage on Wisdom (Perception) and Intelligence (Investigation) checks made to detect the presence of secret doors. You have advantage on saving throws made to avoid or resist traps. You have resistance to the damage dealt by traps. Traveling at a fast pace doesn't impose the normal −5 penalty on your passive Wisdom (Perception) score.]

[Feat; Mage Slayer (Active); When a creature within 5 feet of you casts a spell, you can use your reaction to make a melee weapon attack against that creature. When you damage a creature that is concentrating on a spell, that creature has disadvantage on the saving throw it makes to maintain its concentration. You have advantage on saving throws against spells cast by creatures within 5 feet of you.]

Very very tempting, alas I shall play the long game with those two, I ended up picking the Healer feat, just in case a meteor decides to strike me or something. Heh, all those anatomy documentaries were paying off for something now. Following Xanth along a trail through the woods, we finally came across the foggy clearing, in the midst of which stood the Woodland Manse! A crumbling two story manse all but hidden beneath thorny ivy. The large house was set atop a six foot high stone foundation, with the main entrance having a balcony above it. Pumpkins grew wildly in patches along the perimeter of the manse, with several wild boars feeding among them. Thankfully coming from the north they didn't see us draw near. Also seeing as how it was built more so for humanoids rather than horses or centaurs I of course would be venturing into this lion's den alone. Fine by me really I honestly preferred it that way, better to keep Xanth and Mellow out of danger.

So it was I made my way into the kitchen, suffice to say it along with the pantry were victims of time and a healthy rat infestation of the past. Oh well. I made my way into the dining room. Frankly I was insulted. The walls were covered with crude drawings rendered in blood that depicted boars chasing stick-figure humanoids. A fireplace dominated the south side of the room, and the smashed wooden dining table lay in a heap in the eastern half of the room, surrounded by six broken chairs. Atop the fireplace were two twig blights lying in wait. The bastards, a swift swing of my sword sliced through both. I couldn't help but grin at the sharpness of my weapon.

[Twig Blight has been slain x2! 50XP gained! 50GP gained!]

"Splendid."

I decided to keep going in a straight line for the most part and ended up in the courtyard. Stone steps led down to a flagstone courtyard that had a pillared arcade to the east. Seven windows on the upper level overlooked the courtyard, in the middle of which was a five foot wide stone watering well with thick vines erupting from it. Guttural snorts and yells erupted from the southeast corner of the manse, signaling the presence of orcs nearby. As I approached the conglomerate of vines and roots erupting from the well I had the bright idea to analyze it. The Gulthias tree, a perversion of life which did nothing but spawn more blights every time a blood moon dawned the night sky. How disgusting. Remember that Keg of Alchemical fire I mentioned earlier? Yes, this was the perfect opportunity to use it. And use it I did! It was absolutely beautiful to watch this abomination go up in emerald colored flames. The only downside was the noise it made as it broke apart and cascaded the tree system in death, along with the screams of more blights that evidently had been hiding in the well.

[Vine Blight has been slain x2! 200XP gained! 200GP gained!]

Over the sound of fire crackling I could both see and hear an anchorite make his way from the westernmost door along with three twig blights, I greeted them with the utmost professionalism, dynamite.

[Twig Blight has been slain x3! 75XP gained! 75GP gained!]

[Anchorite of Talos Grannoc has been slain! 700XP gained! 700GP gained!]

Thankfully collateral damage to the house wasn't that bad..minus the giant twenty foot crater I had created between what looked like a study and a laboratory. Ah yes, the tree was gone by now as well, I threw some dynamite down the well just to be sure. You know how evil demonic trees are. From the sound of a few more snarls, thuds and grunts, five more orcs deployed from the second floor and were making a beeline for me. They met the same explosive fate as the rest of their kin. Yes I had some power now but against five orcs in melee combat no less? I wasn't going to risk my life when it was unnecessary.

[Orc has been slain x5! 500XP gained! 500GP gained!]

From that point I was free to explore the manse at my leisure. Rotted wood, chipped stone. Disgusting blood drawn lightning bolts and half strewn animal intestines littered the rooms and that was before I added to the gore with my explosives. I truly pitied whoever was going to deal with this manse later on in life. All in all though I managed to discover and loot some items, a "immovable rod", a "cloak of billowing", a "staff of bird calls", and some "dust of disappearance". You know well that I sold them all. So much adventuring so little time…that's a lie, I had all the time in the world practically. I was pulled out of my musings as I exited the manse through the kitchen, three boars were headed for me, I threw the dynamite as a reflex at this point.

[Anchorite of Talos has been slain x3! 2,100XP gained! 2,100GP gained!]

[Congratulations you have reached 5th level!]

I sighed in relief, hearing both Mellow and Xanth draw near.

"I take it that these fiends have been dealt with."

"Yes, including the shapeshifting ones, the manse is up for anyone's claim." I joked.

I was tired and we barely touched the afternoon yet. "Xanth tell me, are there more orcs to be slain?"

"From what I can remember, yes. Though there is good news, an associate of mine, Falcon, his lodgings are not too far from here, he'll have more information in regards to the networking of these villainous orcs and their whereabouts within the area."

"Perfect, let's ride."

Ten miles to the northwest but we still made it nonetheless. A thin fog surrounded the fortified compound standing in a clearing on the east side of a narrow river. A ten foot high log palisade surrounded the compound, whose main building was a two story stone and wood affair with a high pitched roof, gables, window shutters, and a stone chimney. Attached to the main building was a blocky tower of grey stone, its high roof lined with battlements. Other structures included a two story stable house and a gatehouse whose flat roof was enclosed by iron railings. A stone bridge spanned the river, ending before an oaken door set into the gatehouse's outer wall. Mounted next to the door was a bell with a short rope hanging from its clapper. I figured it'd be best to meet Falcon as one normally would, through the front door. I glanced back at Xanth and Mellow from across the bridge. Xanth decided to give me a thumbs up, I couldn't help but chuckle at that as I rang the bell.

"Hello? Oh good afternoon my good sir, are you interested in one of Falcon's tours by chance?" The elderly man who attended to me was named Corwin, thin, experienced and with a head of silver hair, about five feet, ten inches tall.

I was very flattered to be thought of as a man of nobility. I mean, I am a king, and of course that much is evident. All theatrics aside though I did find it endearing. Huh, I suppose good manners do go a long way. I shook my head with a smile.

"Good afternoon to you as well my good man. While I don't seek a tour, I do seek an audience with Falcon himself, I was told that he could lend some information in regards to the orcs trespassing these woods."

"Ahh I see now, an adventurer, yes, yes, do come in."

We passed through the north yard, kitchen and pantry before making it to the dining hall which was also doubling as the trophy hall, said trophies being the heads of slain orcs. Gnarly, very much so, but cool. Also a sobering reminder to the kind of environment I was in! Turns out Corwin was the head chef as well, good for him. Soon enough I heard Falcon descending as Corwin fixed up some drinks. Falcon the Hunter wore a fur-lined cloak over his studded leather armor. He stood six feet, six inches tall, and had chocolate brown hair and broad shoulders. His eyes were as blue, cold, and sharp as ice, with a small trio of scars running over near the end of his right eyebrow. He also sported a neatly trimmed beard reminiscent of mutton chops, or whatever Wolverine was going for. Falcon moved with the casual confidence of one who feared nothing, as if he greeted every concern with nonplussed indifference. Truly he was a man's man.

We got to talking and storytelling in regards to what happened so far in the forest between the two of us. Nothing I didn't know already; "I've seen more orcs in the woods of late. Ugly brutes. The orcs appear to be in league with the evil half-orcs that dwell southeast of here. These half-orcs are often seen in the company of little stick creatures known to creep about these woods. All in all, a nasty lot. The half-orcs dwell in a ruined stone manse overgrown with vines, roughly ten miles from here. Tales say that the manse was built by a scholar who studied the elven ruins scattered throughout these woods." Etc etc.

"So you and Xanth really went to town on those orcs ha…good. That's good." Falcon was amused as he rubbed his chin. "Didn't take a paladin for using dynamite though, that explains all those faint bouts of thunder Pell thought he was hearing."

"Pell?"

"The stable boy. Can't speak at all but his wits and touch with animals are as sharp as my arrows, he's a good kid." Falcon said with a hint of warmth and protection to it.

I couldn't help but smile and nod in return.

"Oh, ha, speak of the little runt and he'll appear as well." Falcon grinned as Pell came running in with a hawk attached to his forearm.

A fair skinned boy with a mop of sand blonde hair no less than twelve years of age. Cute lad. I watched Falcon read the note that Pell had given him.

"Fate smiles upon you it'd seem. There's a remnant of orcs to the southeast of here near Butterskull Ranch. Twenty five miles give or take, past the ruins of Conyberry."

I nodded and let out a mixture between a growl and a sigh. If I was fast enough I should be able to make it by nightfall. "Right then, thank you for everything Falcon, you too Corwin, and you as well Pell."

I got a trio of smiles in varying degrees for that.

"I can't go with you in person. I have to stay here for the sake of business, and protecting these two. But I can give you this for all your troubles." Falcon went on to say as he retrieved a pair of green boots from the corner of the trophy hall.

Boots of Elvenkind. A fine sales item for me. I thanked Falcon once more and told Xanth what would be happening for now. He too naturally decided to stay behind, I went ahead over to Butterskull ranch with Mellow. On the way there I came across three horses owned by one Alfonse Kalazorn along with his prized cow, Petunia. The ranch was huge honestly. It occupied a large plot of land on the north side of the Triboar Trail, nestled between two hills. Beyond a ramshackle wooden fence stood corn fields, an apple orchard, gardens, and pasture land. A path broke off from the trail to lead to a two story farmhouse next to a pond. West of the farmhouse were the charred remains of a barn and smithy that had been burned to the ground. You hate to see it. Unnecessary collateral damage. And that was just in terms of structures, pigs harmlessly wandered the fields, gardens, and the orchard. Between the farmhouse and the gutted barn lay the scattered corpses of two orcs and five humans swarming with flies, gross. These orcs were going to pay. Talos could go screw himself.

I could hear the jeers, grunts and snorts of the orcs as they pillaged what remained of the kitchen before entering, too bad for them I didn't know orcish tongue. Anger was brewing inside my heart, and that's when I entered the house officially, the results were rather instantaneous.

"Ugly. UGLY! UGLY! DIE!"

I was overcome with disgust and rage as I whipped my longsword out, golden light bathing the blade as I sliced into and through the bodies of the orcs. In two swings I sliced through an orc and a half, killing all three, the middle body falling to the floor in more pieces than his friends. I surprised myself as I caught my breath. Combat was a hell of a lot more personal when you weren't throwing explosives from safety's arms. I sighed as I felt the adrenaline leave me. "They aren't human, don't give them any heed, they would've killed you if given the chance. Let them rot."

[Orc has been slain x3! 300XP gained! 300GP gained!]

I sighed again and began to comb through the house for Alfonse. I eventually found him in the cellar, dirt floor and all. Walls of mortared stone, and an eight foot high plank ceiling braced by wooden pillars. Tied to a chair with a burlap sack pulled over his head. Shelves along the walls were lined with skulls made of butter and protected by a thin coating of wax. All in all pretty creepy and I was running thin on so much death and mayhem, I know I'd need a break soon. I clicked my teeth as I lit a torch and stabbed it into one of the skulls as a holder and got to undoing his ropes.

"Thank..you."

I was silent for the most part, took a good minute to free him and ripped the sack off his head. The poor man was beaten bloody. Ha, good thing I took that Healer feat after all.

"Try not to move just yet Alfonse, I'm going to heal your wounds."

It was a quiet process, a calm, sobering, methodical process. One of silent compassion and servitude. I couldn't help but think of how Christ felt when he was washing the soles of St. Peter. It really was humbling and a reprieve from all the things I've done thus far. Physically healing Alfonse helped spiritually and mentally heal me. A good respite. I felt at peace.

"Let's get you back to your room, also don't go inside the kitchen just yet. I took care of all the orcs, but I still need to get rid of the bodies."

And with that I guided him up to his room, gave him some water and took shelter for the night in one of the beds used by the farmhands. The mission was a great success.

[May 23rd, 2023, 9:00AM]

Bright sunny day, praise God. I made a list before I went to go see Alfonse. I needed to know the costs of building a brand new barn and smithy. He didn't have that much funding in terms of emergencies after all. Ten thousand gold for both at once and about four months of time. Good God, this poor man. I came downstairs to find Alfonse already up and about going to and from the kitchen and dining room. I forgot that farmers get up early as heck, all part of the job. He looked right as rain though, a head of silver hair with a beard to match it, tanned skin and proud of it, standing at a good old six feet, four inches of height. He had good forearms too.

"Good morning there, well if ain't the man who saved my life." That country drawl hit me quick and made me melt faster than the butter.

"Ah, Arthur, sir."

Right, right, I technically did save a man's life, ha. That feels…good.

"Arthur I'm grateful to you, you did a mighty fine job of slicing through those damned orcs as well. Ha, no need to act all bashful now son, you got fire in your belly. This ain't my first rodeo after all, I was the sheriff back in Triboar you know, Big Al Kalazorn! Yes sir, yes sir."

Despite the misfortune that befell him and what a misfortune it was he still took it on the chin with grace, though I could still see a hint of pain in those green eyes of his. It made my heart wrench. I took out my coin bag and opened it up on the table and didn't stop till twelve thousand gold pieces were accounted for.

"This will cover the costs of rebuilding your farm and smithy, any funeral arrangements, farmhand, inventory or livestock replacement, along with anything else that may happen. Everything should be completed in four months. I know this is a lot at once, probably, but I won't take no for an answer Alfonse, you will take this money."

I let out a breath, I was not about to be a big old baby and start crying in front of this man. The way his eyebrows shot up though in surprise made me grin and chuckle.

"First you bring my horses and Petunia back to me, then you get rid of those damned orcs and then you heal me like a doctor and now you're paying for my repairs and then some! Arthur, if I had a daughter to give, she'd marry you real quick!"

I couldn't help but chuckle at that. "I- heh, I have farmers in my family… so it's personal for me. Granted I am a city slicker, but it's still personal nonetheless… I'm just doing what's right. Do you mind if we have some breakfast and talk business?"

Alfonse stroked his beard at that, "Ah he's a businessman as well."

"I wanted to see if I'd be able to persuade you in regards to designing your products. Butter skulls have their novelty and all but given past recent events, I'd wager we try taking a step in a new direction in regards to the objects being shaped. Something less death focused. I'm not asking you to never make the skulls again, just to give this new idea I have in mind a try and then you can decide for yourself."

And that is how in the months to come "Butterskull Ranch" became "Butterknight Ranch". Alfonse gave me his mithril chain mail as a gift and reward when all was said and done and asked me to head to the town of Phandalin to retrieve the one farmhand that managed to survive. I placed myself along the Triboar trail and headed off southwestward. My attention was immediately pulled away to a shrine on the side of the road five miles into the journey along the ruins of the town of Conyberry. An old stone temple with a belfry jutting from its peaked roof was enclosed by stone walls, many sections of which had collapsed. The trail ended at a crumbling gatehouse, the doors to which were sundered long ago. Three of the four towers that once stood at the corners of the outer walls had collapsed, only the northeast tower remained, and an orc guard was stationed atop it. I was noticed as soon as I walked in.

Two packs of dynamite later and the four orcs flanking my left alongside the four ogres flanking my right never stood a chance. That being said I was down to only nine sticks left. I'd need to restock soon.

[Orc has been slain x4! 400XP gained! 400GP gained!]

[Ogre has been slain x4! 1,800XP gained! 1,800GP gained!]

I dodged a javelin coming from the tower orc who had managed to reach the bottom of said tower. His life was severed short, pun fully intended, as I sliced his head clean off with a smite infused slash of my longsword.

[Orc has been slain! 100XP gained! 100GP gained!]

I caught my breath and made my way over to the temple itself. Rows of crumbling pillars supported the forty foot high vaulted ceiling of this hall. Humanoid bones littered the dusty floor, and a ten foot square hole in the ceiling led to the belfry. No rope hung from the bell, which appeared to be made of untarnished copper. I would've left without a second thought if I didn't fixate over that bell having no rope. I went outside, took out the four ladders I had along with the fifty feet of rope and got to crafting. Soon enough I had made my way to the roof and was face to face with the belfry and the bell. Said bell wasn't truly copper but solid gold painted copper. Sneaky bell, sneaky temple. I bought some carpenter's tools and got to work dislodging the bell from its supports. With a loud crashing sound it fell below. Soon enough I had made my way down to retrieve it, another two thousand five hundred gold in my pocket.

I returned to my trip! Fifty miles, yes fifty miles later and I had finally reached the town of Phandalin! My body was a tad sore but I was getting used to horse riding at least. It was now noon. And I was on an undead horse minutes away from riding into a town full of mundane civilians.

"Crap, Mellow…it's not your fault your undead but I can't waltz you in there…"

I dismounted and pondered what to do. After some over thinking and minute prayers I fluttered my lips and glanced at Mellow before patting her head.

"Alright girl, I'm going to need you to head north for the forest and look for Xanth, I'll be okay on my own and we'll meet again, I promise."

She nuzzled her skull against my cheek and with that she went northward. At that moment my heart was hurting. I steeled said heart and turned around to face Phandalin once more. Nestled in the rocky foothills of the snow-capped Sword Mountains. consisting of forty or fifty simple log buildings. Crumbling stone ruins surrounded the newer houses and shops, showing how this must have been a much larger town in centuries past. Phandalin's residents were quiet, hard-working folk who came from distant cities to eke out a life amid the harsh wilderness. They are farmers, stonecutters, blacksmiths, traders, prospectors, and children. The town had no walls and no garrison, but most of the adults kept weapons within easy reach in case the need for arms arose. Ha, yeah, this was definitely my kind of town.

I made my way inside, noting where I could seek shelter for the night. It was a lot more effort without Mellow now, I only made it past Barthen's Provisions and into town square, past the shrine of Luck dedicated to Tymora, said goddess of luck. On my left was the Stonehill Inn. Well don't mind if I do. It was a modest two story house, blues, sun kissed browns and soft greys. It was rather quaint, I already liked it. Stepping inside I met Toblen, owner and namesake of the inn. Toblen was a native of the town of Triboar to the east. He came to Phandalin to prospect, but soon realized that he knew a lot more about running an inn than he did about mining. A man of five foot, five inches with marvelous brown eyes and a bob of hair to him. It was five silver pieces to spend a night and one silver piece for a meal. I didn't feel like micromanaging math so I just put down a tab of one thousand gold. You should've seen the look on his face. It was hilarious and endearing. That's when he decided to tell me a story.

"Some folk claim to have seen a dragon flying through the high clouds. At that distance, it's hard to gauge the creature's size, but some say it's as big as an elephant and has gleaming white scales."

["One dragon of a domino effect!" Grand Quest received!

Objective 1; Slay Cryovain the white dragon!

Objective 2: Complete all the side quests 6/14

Objective 3: ?

Reward: Mystery box, +100% Reputation with the people of Phandalin

Penalty for failure; Death.]

Oh yeah, it's all coming together now. It's dragon hunting time.

AN; First time ever writing a fic let alone trying to publish it on here, hell, that's a battle of its own. Anyway thank you for your time, see you later perhaps. More story to come obviously, though I'll tell you now I can't guarantee when. Also because I don't really feel like doing this every chapter for the foreseeable future I'll just say it here and be done with it; No, none of the franchises or universes that will be interacted with in this story are owned by me, though the ocs and such are. Do not sue me, I will rain hellfire upon you. Okay be safe, God bless.