Part II - Chapter 3 - Paolo
The Sforza family were away for the entire month of February, visiting lady Caterina Sforza in the neighbouring valley. The castle was a lot quieter than usual – of those who worked in the house, half were on leave, scheduled to come back and replace the other half in the middle of the month. In the stables, one could opt to either come in the first or second half of the day to feed and groom the horses and the hounds and take them out for walks – and Paolo gladly opted for the former option.
He lived and slept in the stables throughout the year, not wanting to take up any of the small amount of space his mother enjoyed. His contract didn't include meals, but Paolo had made friends with some of the kitchen servants, and they always left him some uneaten food at the end of the day. He was able to get his hands on cold cuts of beef and chicken most of the time – and often, there was bread and cheese left untouched as well. There was no guarantee that this would be the case when he first joined the Sforza household – but Paolo was not the kind of person to plan everything through. Whenever you had a goal and the will to succeed, something offered itself up in the end, with the help of G-d.
Even when he was besotted with the lady Lucrezia, Paolo was never blind to the benefits the relationship could offer for him. As time went on, though, he knew he was developing genuine feelings for the lord's wife, who was only a few years his junior. Her kindness, generosity, and exquisite grace entranced him, and he would be lying if he said he didn't imagine himself coming to her rescue, and taking her away from Pesaro and the husband she was so miserable with.
There had been such an opportunity, perhaps, when she asked him to help her get back to her family – but the fair lady had done a volte-face, and lampooned his chances before he could take advantage of them. For some reason, she changed her mind, and ordered him – ordered him, like he wasn't her lover of several months, and her loyal friend! – to put the unconscious, mangled lord Sforza onto his horse, and head back to the castle! Then, when he pleaded with her to leave his cruel employer to his fate in the snow, she had threatened him – threatened him! – that she would tell everyone about what he had done – as if the entire affair wasn't her idea, her fault in the first place! After she opted to save her cruel, brutish husband, instead of sympathising with him, Paolo knew he could never love her again.
Now – thanks to her, yet again – he was losing the opportunity to be a father to his child.
She was there when he finally mustered up the courage to say hello to their daughter. Lady Sforza didn't say anything when he approached, only looked away demurely – not condoning, not making any moves to introduce him to the little lady Lucrezia - but not disapproving either.
Paolo managed only to say hello to his little girl, and hold out his hand to her, inviting her to say hello to Abellio, before lord Sforza entered onto the scene. He ordered Paolo to go about his duties, and leave 'my daughter' to those entrusted with her care. Paolo didn't look back at his employer as he left, for fear that the lord Sforza might glimpse in him some resemblance that had at first escaped him – but he did look back at Lulu's mother. The same resignation, the same relief to be safe from detection as Paolo was feeling.
How could she stand idly by while he suffered? Why didn't she choose to say anything to the lord Sforza? Lord Sforza was clearly fond of her, and much inclined to be gentle and understanding with her. At any rate, she was the Pope's daughter – what did she have to fear?
Over the past year, Paolo easily found refuge from these thoughts by burying himself in work – but lord Sforza no longer rode out hunting in the winter, having clearly learnt some lessons from the misadventures of last year, and so there was a lot less work to do than in the summer. Paolo took some pleasure, however, in taking out the long-suffering Abellio for rides around the estate. The quiet valleys and sleeping meadows around the castle were a perfect space for quiet reflection.
The little lady Lucrezia was already seven months old, but Paolo had only managed to get up close to her once. There was no conceivable doubt in his mind that this was his daughter – he knew, for a fact, that lord Sforza could not have lain with lady Lucrezia before she became involved with him.
It should have been obvious from the start. Why else would she have wanted to get involved with Paolo? There were, of course, unhappy wives who sought consolation with other men, in addition to the relationships they had with their cruel husbands – and, at first, Paolo had assumed that this was the case with the lady Lucrezia. Lord Sforza seemed like the type of man who would be cruel to his wife, both in and out of the marital bed.
But she had confided in him that the lord Sforza never touched her, and that's why she would never believe she was beautiful, she said. And how she would lead him on her convoluted goose-chase dialogues that he now felt so foolish for playing along with, that were just a roundabout way of getting him to compliment her again and again! Being illiterate was one thing – did he have to be stupid, too?
Then there was the physical side of the issue, all the signs during their first liason, and, of course, the fact that lord Sforza was absent in August and September the previous year. Paolo wasn't as foolish as she wanted him to be, not anymore. He knew how to tell months and dates apart! There was no doubt that little Lulu was his child – and lord Sforza was raising her as if she was his.
He could come to terms with all of that. It was the way of the world. If anything, he should have been happy that his daughter had been adopted by a powerful, respected lord.
He could come to terms with lady Lucrezia no longer smiling at him, preferring instead to avoid his eyes and change direction whenever she saw him coming. He could come to terms with the fact that her smiles were now bestowed on lord Sforza – or could he? Of all people, lord Sforza! Why him? The uncouth, disgusting lord Sforza! A pig in a sty was cleaner than that man!
During his first six months at the castle, Paolo used every opportunity to complain to his mother about him. But those conversations never ended well – how would it make her look, for him to leave lord Sforza's service, after she appealed to the overseer five times to find a placement for Paolo? Then lady Lucrezia arrived, and all of his complaints faded into background noise. He never should have let that happen. He should have left after the first six months. Now the issues were all resurfacing.
Even without the added insult of not being able to interact with his own child, everything now seemed lacklustre, bleak, compared to life before the lady Lucrezia's arrival. This seemed illogical – clearly, the lady Lucrezia's presence was exerting a positive influence on her husband, whose grooming and conduct to others, even to his servants, had been steadily improving over the past year. At times, Paolo thought this was some kind of doppelganger, not his employer. Everything was supposed to be perfect… but it wasn't.
Paolo just couldn't accept this new life.
He couldn't accept Giovanni Sforza looking after Lulu, no matter how much he could give to her. He couldn't accept having to watch Lulu grow up from a distance. He couldn't accept not being able to stand up for himself, all the while knowing that he couldn't come clean with the truth without risking punishment, even banishment. Lord Sforza may have been a nobleman, but that didn't mean he somehow had a right to be Lulu's father and Paolo didn't.
Paolo was Lulu's father. Giovanni Sforza wasn't, and never would be, and he had no right to act as if he was.
Towards the end of February, the stables began to stir back to life. Paolo switched his shift from daytime to evening, deciding to start sleeping on his small shelf in the stables again. It was pleasant and warm in the stables, lying near the horses and inhaling the aroma of the dry hay.
The entire month felt like wasted time to him. Now only 4 days remained until the family returned, but what difference did it make? Even without them, being in the castle was no fun – what would it be like when they came back? A return to daily misery, to thousands of painful cuts.
Something caught his eye, winking in the gaps of the stable walls. He saw all the other stableboys come in for the night, and there were no farmhands left in the fields now, he was sure of it - but what was that light drawing near, going down the hill to emerge again on the other lip? Who, could be out at this hour, looking for Paolo?