Chapter 2: Carter Who?
Kerry joined everyone at Admit ready to start the day. "Lucy, welcome back." She decided it was best to omit a hug, maintaining her air of authority and professionalism. "Once we've done hand over, we'll sit down and go over your schedule and supervision."
"Ok, great." Lucy was ready for everyone's excitement to die down and get back to some normality. Whatever that even was now.
Once the shift change was dealt with, Kerry, Lucy, and Jing Mei remained at Admit. "Dr Chen is going to be your supervising resident."
"It's good to have you back Lucy." Jing Mei said sincerely.
"Thanks, Dr Chen. I'm looking forward to getting stuck in again."
"Well. I'm glad to hear that. But one step at a time! Come and find me after you're finished with Dr Weaver, and we can talk." Lucy nodded in confirmation. Jing Mei was happy the student's enthusiasm hadn't diminished, but she also wanted to be cautious and not do too much too soon with her.
Kerry and Lucy went into the lounge to go over her schedule and supervision. She would be doing eight-hour shifts with no doubles for the first month, and no more than two days in a row to begin with. Kerry wanted to be careful and limit the physical and emotional strain being back could cause. She wanted Lucy to start off light with nothing too taxing to ease her back in. If she didn't feel comfortable with something, then all she had to do was tell someone.
"I know you and Dr Malucci are close, so I've tried my best to put you on the same shifts, but it hasn't always been possible."
"Of course. I completely understand..." She hesitated, not sure if she should say anything more. "Dr Weaver...I know you're not his biggest fan...well, even that's probably a stretch!" Lucy couldn't help but smirk a little. "But he has been a great support to me. He's not so bad once you get to know him. And I really appreciate you doing that for me."
Kerry had a sly smile on her face "Definitely an understatement." She really didn't like Malucci, and he, and everyone else knew it. "But I don't mind making accommodations if it's for your benefit...How are you feeling? How is it being back?"
"Honestly, I was scared as hell. Being back here, seeing everyone again, gave me palpitations. But... It's not as bad as I was expecting." She wasn't quite sure if that was a lie or not. She was telling herself everything was fine, but her anxiety was ramped up, and it was taking all her strength to keep it in check. She knew logically that she was fine, and she was safe. However, her anxiety didn't care about logic. "Don't get me wrong, it's still difficult to be here, but it's good to see everyone again. I had a very enthusiastic welcome back that I think I may have rib fractures from all of the hugging. I didn't realise how much I missed everyone."
"I think that's a perfectly healthy response to have. And we're very glad to have you back. But, if you feel things are getting too much for you, just let us know, and we'll help any way we can. Promise me you will."
"I promise I will. Thank you, Dr Weaver. For everything." Despite her fears, she was happy to be back. Though there was one thing contributing to her anxiety that she needed to ask about. "I have to ask…" Kerry looked at her waiting for her question. "...is Dr Carter back?"
Kerry had told her about what had happened with Carter months ago; his drug addiction and subsequent intervention resulting in him going to rehab in Atlanta. They were both so messed up by what had happened to them, but despite feeling sorry for him, she still couldn't bring herself to forgive him.
Kerry was wondering if she should bring him up first, or if Lucy would. She knew he was a particularly touchy subject but needed to be honest with her. "He's back in Chicago...He's coming in this afternoon to discuss coming back to work." She paused before saying "I didn't want to pry so I never asked, but you two still haven't spoken?"
"No. I left him a message the day I left like you suggested, but he never replied." Lucy looked sorrowful at the memory. She had been in hospital for two months by that point, spending a month in a coma, and the following month beginning her slow road to recovery. She'd made the decision to go back to San Francisco to continue her recovery at home with her mom.
Lucy was sitting on her bed, slowly packing a bag when Kerry came in. She had visited regularly throughout Lucy's stay, so was used to seeing how frail she looked. But, as Lucy sat on her bed carefully packing things into a bag, the clothes she was dressed in really emphasized how much weight she had lost. The grey University of Illinois sweater only enhanced her dull and pale skin. Her face looked gaunt, and her once bright, blue eyes had greyed, losing the sparkle they once had. The toll the attack had taken on her, both physically and mentally, were clear for anyone to see, and it broke Kerry's heart to see the shadow of the once enthusiastic medical student. She feared she may never see that person again.
Lucy spoke first, seeing Dr Weaver stood at her door. "Hi, Dr Weaver." She tried to plaster a smile on her face.
"Hello Lucy. I wanted to come and say goodbye now. I've got meetings all afternoon. Are you almost ready?"
"My mom's just gone to Dave's to pick some stuff up, but yeah, I think I am." Dave and her mom had emptied her dorm room weeks ago and stored it at Dave's. Her mom had gone to pick up what Lucy needed to head home.
"How are you feeling about heading home?"
"Mixed if I'm honest. It's been a while since I lived with my mom, so that's going to be interesting." Being in hospital, she'd had more visitors to keep her occupied and give her mom a reason to make herself scarce for a while. But living with her mom again was going to be a challenge because now there was no escaping her fussing. She'd taken leave from work when she came to Chicago initially, but she'd had to go back for a few weeks while Lucy continued her recovery. Now Barbara had another two weeks off, meaning she would be with Lucy twenty-four seven. Her grandparents had both passed away the previous year, and she never knew her father, so the only reprieve she would get would be some old school friends she'd kept in touch with. Lucy was well aware that she needed help, but she still resented it.
Kerry had got to know Lucy better this last month and knew the loss of her independence had had a big impact on her. "It's hard when you've lived away for so long."
"It is. I feel completely hopeless. I feel like I need a nap and all I did was pack this bag. It feels like I've lost my independence. In more ways than one…" Lucy looked at the floor in mourning for the person she once was.
Kerry sat on the bed next to her and placed a motherly arm around her shoulders. She spoke softly trying to provide some reassurance. "I know it feels like that right now, but it's only temporary. Look at how far you've come in the last four weeks! The most important thing you can do is to let people help. Help you come out the other side of this. And most importantly, don't rush. I know it's hard, but you know as well as I do that these things take time. Imagine what you would say to a patient who was in your position and listen to that. Go home. Heal. And listen to your mother…most of the time." She joked giving her a sly smile.
"Dr Weaver." Lucy looked up into her eyes. "I want to thank you for everything you've done for me."
"There are no thanks needed, Lucy. But you're welcome." Kerry knew it wasn't her business, but she felt she needed to ask. "Have you spoken to Dr Carter at all?" She had a feeling the answer would be no. She wasn't entirely sure what happened two weeks ago when Carter had visited Lucy, but whenever she mentioned him, Lucy said nothing, and in Carter's case, any mention of Lucy was met with grunts.
"No. I haven't. I'm not sure he wants to speak to me ever again. And I wouldn't blame him."
"You should call him. Don't let things go unsaid. You've both been through a lot."
"I...I said some things I shouldn't have." Even thinking about Carter made her anxious. She sat absent mindedly scratching at the palm of her hand.
Kerry put her hands on hers to stop her. "Just call him." She said softly. "I'd better head off to these meetings. I'll call and see how you're doing soon, if that's ok?" She gave Lucy a final hug before standing to leave.
"I'd like that. Thanks again." Lucy gave her a weak smile, feeling like it was all she could muster.
"Take care of yourself. Doctor's orders."
Lucy was alone once again, left to her own thoughts. She was done with the bag and tossed it onto the floor, still wincing at the pain in her chest that failed to go away even after two months. But it wasn't really a surprise given the amount of trauma her chest had been through; being stabbed, chest compressions, and two thoracotomies. It was exhausting thinking about it all. And terrifying.
Lucy closed her eyes to try and get some rest before her mom came back. But, when she closed them, all she could see was Carter. No matter what she did, she couldn't get him off her mind. Maybe Weaver was right, and she should call him. She turned onto her side and tried to snuggle into the pillow, but her cell phone sitting on top of the table stared back at her. Sighing heavily, she reached for it.
She was nervous about calling. What if he picked up? What if he didn't? Either way she had no idea what she was going to say. She dialled and waited. The ringing echoing in her ear whilst her stomach flipped. Her heart felt like it was beating out of her chest, but she worked on ignoring the anxiety that nipped at her.
The answer machine finally kicked in and she heard his deep, smooth voice that managed to both make her melt and feel annoyed at the same time. No other person had ever had that effect on her. "This is Dr John Carter. I'm sorry I can't answer my phone right now. Please leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as I can."
Lucy took a deep breath and prepared to speak, still not knowing what to say. "Hi Carter. It's Lucy...How are you? I..erm...I want to apologize for how I acted when you came to see me, and for the things I said. I'm sorry for being such a bitch to you. I was angry, emotional, and in pain. I'm not trying to make excuses, but I just want you to understand why I said the things I did." She became sombre. "I felt like you'd abandoned me, and you didn't care...maybe you never did. I don't know...I just…I'm leaving County today. I'm going back to San Francisco with my mom. I don't know how long I'll be there for...or if I'll even come back. But I just need to get out of Chicago right now." She was rambling and needed to wrap it up before it cut her off. "I'm leaving today at three...and...I really need to see you. To talk to you. There's so much we need to say...I guess it's up to you now…" The phone cut her off, but she had at least said what she thought she needed to. It really was up to him now.
Lucy felt like a weight had been lifted, and she soon dropped off to sleep. Three pm soon rolled around and she had neither seen nor heard anything from Carter. She wasn't even sure he had listened to her message.
Dave arrived at her room whilst her mom was waiting outside with the taxi. "You ready?" He knew she wasn't. Not really. Leaving the security of the hospital and nurses was daunting, but he knew she was looking forward to getting out of Chicago away from the memories.
"As ready as I'll ever be." Dave helped her up and into the wheelchair. She looked around at the room and at the bed she'd spent the last three weeks in after finally being moved out of the SICU.
Dave crouched down in front of her, putting a hand on each arm of the wheelchair she was sat in. "Hey." She moved her gaze to his face. "Everything's gonna be ok." He reassured her. "I know you're gonna miss seeing this handsome face every day, but I'll come and visit."
He had a massive goofy grin plastered on his face knowing it would make her laugh. Lucy chuckled. "I am gonna miss that face of yours." She leaned forward and wrapped her arms around his shoulders to hug him.
He pulled her into him and wrapped his arms around her. He was going to miss her too. "Come on. Your mom will be wondering where we are!"
"I called Carter." She announced while they waited for the elevator.
"You did?" Dave despised talking about Carter. "And?"
"He didn't answer. I left him a message apologizing and told him I was leaving."
"You didn't have anything to apologize for!" His voice rose an octave while pushing her into the elevator.
"I know you think that, but I did."
"I'm assuming you haven't heard anything back?"
"No. I was hoping he'd call or visit, but I guess not."
Dave squeezed her shoulder gently, but inside he was seething. He would never forgive Carter for the way he had treated Lucy. He'd done his best to keep his mouth shut at work but inside, he was seething.
Reaching the ER, Lucy had butterflies in her stomach and felt slightly sick wondering if he'd be there. Lucy looked at the sea of faces gathered at Admit, searching for the familiar dark hair towering above everyone. But the only person fitting that description was Dr Kovac. Her heart sank further than it ever had.
There were plenty of hugs and kisses, and tears from the nurses especially. The staff had clubbed together to give her some leaving gifts. A Chicago Cubs bear, some goodies from Garrett's, and other thoughtful gifts to keep her occupied. Lucy had tears in her eyes. Mostly because of the kindness everyone had shown her. But also, because she didn't know when she'd ever see Carter again.
Farewell time was over, and Dave dragged her away from the waves and out to the waiting taxi and her mom. He held out a hand to help her stand and get in. She had tears in her eyes, not able to say goodbye to him. He said goodbye to Barbara and asked her to call once they were home.
Dave watched them drive off with a small group of people standing behind him at the entrance of the ER also waving goodbye. As he turned to head back inside, a figure caught his eye rounding the corner away from the ambulance bay.
Kerry saw Lucy shift in her seat, and she started rubbing at her palm in nervousness. "Well, you probably won't see him today, but you're going to have to work together again, so you two really need to clear the air." She was sincere in her tone knowing there was likely a lot of things left unsaid between them.
Lucy nodded knowing they needed to, but it filled her with anger and dread at the thought. It was clear he wanted nothing to do with her. She couldn't believe how naive she'd been thinking he actually cared when all he cared about was himself and relieving his own guilt.
Kerry didn't say anything further, figuring she would leave Lucy to think about it, and check in again later in the week. They headed back out to Admit so she could try and get some of the boarders upstairs.
"Robert. I hope you're here to tell me you've got beds!" Dr Romano was stood staring at the board when they came out.
He turned towards Kerry's voice. "Not unless you can pull them outta my ass!" Kerry rolled her eyes at his crassness. Romano spotted the petite medical student standing next to her "Welcome back, Miss Knight." He'd never been the sentimental type and didn't like to show anyone he had emotions, but he couldn't help feeling proud at seeing her standing there both for his own expertise but also how hard she had worked to come back from what she went through. Though, his exterior betrayed nothing of his inner thoughts.
It felt like it was only yesterday he had had his hands in her open chest massaging her heart, trying to entice it into beating again. They'd given up at one point, getting ready to call it. But his anger and stubbornness took over and he refused to give up, wanting to give it one last try. He wasn't a religious man, but he thanked whatever otherworldly entity that night for making him carry on.
"Hello, Dr. Romano. It's great to be back." Lucy would never look at Dr Romano the same way again. She knew he had a soft spot for her, even though he would never admit it. Dr Corday had told her what had happened in angio when she went into cardiac arrest again. He'd refused to give up on her, and she would never be able to tell him how thankful she was for that. She knew, despite his hostility and scathing tongue, he was a far more complex man than anyone knew.
"Well. I've got work to get on with. It's good to have you back. Anyone gives you hassle, you come to me!...Kerry. I'll work on those beds." Without another word, he dashed off for a consult.
Jerry had been sat working and paying attention to their interaction. "Wow. I was beginning to think Dr Romano didn't like anyone!"
"Like is a very strong word, Jerry." Lucy chuckled. "He tolerates me more than most."
"He certainly has a soft spot for you." Kerry remarked with raised eyebrows. As much as he infuriated her, Kerry had always known Robert wasn't the cold-hearted beast he liked to portray. Lucy had certainly had an effect on him. She'd had an effect on all of them. The memories of that night would be with Kerry for the rest of her life. The only comfort was that Lucy had come out the other side. "I'd better get on the phone and find some beds. Go and find Dr Chen and you can get started."
"Will do. I just need to grab something from my locker." Lucy went back into the lounge, checking it was empty. She searched her bag and found what she was looking for. She pulled out the pill container and shook two out into her hand, and then swallowed them dry Counting to ten, she took some slow deep breaths and headed out to find Dr Chen.