The next three weeks passed in a relative haze. She came back that day from her 'scavenge run down in Hoback' a ways after dark, and Maedlyn had been overjoyed to receive her, since she often misses Maedlyn's bedtimes on those long ride days. Ellie had been tender, present, thankful for her red-haired lover. She'd brought her guitar over, and sung to her. Not I'm on Fire, that song sets Maedlyn ill at ease. Ellie sang I Think We're Alone Now instead.
Maedlyn's eyes were drifty, her cheeks pink and her smile big. Not really anything gets Ellie's heart going like that. She wanted to make Maedlyn happy that night, because she had a feeling one way or another she was going to hurt Maedlyn with what was coming later.
Ellie asked her if she wanted her to read to her again, but Maedlyn, looking half-drunk, just shook her head and came over and climbed into her lap.
Ellie spent some of that time, the time she wasn't masked up, carrying on around others, walking stiff-armed down the street and thinking about logistics.
The investigation was quiet but ongoing. She heard a couple mothers talking about it on their back porches, she knew word was getting around. Russel and Luxley are just stupid enough to get caught. She's counting on it. If they point to her… She'll deny it.
No one in town knows where her tunnel is, not even those two. It's all she's got, really. Her best hope is probably when she stops making these runs and the drugs dry up, that sooner or later it gets forgotten. Happens now and then. Someone scores a stash, shares it around. Doesn't mean there's a new cartel in town.
It's her best, best hope.
Abby is stressed, but Ellie can only tell because she knows her after they traveled across country together. And everything else. She's strong. Not just in the arm, but she's like… well, a soldier. Born and bred, she guesses. Ellie respects it, but she doesn't want it for herself. She almost got kicked out of military school on several occasions. And in Boston, there were not many alternatives for someone like her.
Ellie's guilt is starting to cake the inside of her ribcage and it's really hurting her interactions with Abby. They went hunting one day and honestly ranging with Abby is one of the most treasured things in Ellie's life today. She hasn't said it out loud but she's pretty sure Abby gets it. In any case, that day she struggled to stay focused and could not find the joy in it.
It's not a mystery why.
She's only doing what she has to do. She's walked this path many times before. Ugliness in front of you, takes ugliness to get through it. She's no stranger to it. But ugliness doesn't belong in Jackson, so Ellie's starting to feel like an impostor again.
Except this time, she is. She is a drug runner playing a Jackson safekeeper.
It turns her stomach. She's close. She always, always reminds herself. She's close. She's close to something precious. Something unreplaceable. She just has to see it the rest of the way. She's been shown, the final act. She just has to figure out how to get there.
And she spends a lot, a lot of time thinking about that.
She's still thinking about it on November 2nd, when the visitors roll into town.
Ellie's taking one of her extended morning walks around Jackson. Like many of the others, this one started before dawn. She's already walked the perimeter, enjoying the icy quiet of the November morning. Mostly cause she's not trying to talk to anyone. The only other people up this early are those whose business demands it. She saw Cody bringing a crate of carved up meat on his way to Arnold's, the Bison and Guillermo's. She didn't make eye contact.
Now she's back by the stables, walking around the fencing, near the Jackson wall. She's passing the horseshoe pit. She stops, leaning on a fence, looking at it. The shoes hang on long nails nailed into a wooden wall connecting to the stable. They're getting rusty from exposure. Someone should do something about that.
In the first days after her conversation with Lyle, her mind danced with possibilities and options. She needed to walk, just to not feel crazy. Moving her legs helps her mind slow down, she's found. These days, the thoughts are sparse, probably because she's thought them a hundred times already. The conclusions are not good. She's tried willing them to be better, to come up with something more clever, but she's past that now. Now, the question is, 'how do I break this to Maedlyn?'
And she has yet to come up with an answer.
"There you are!"
Ellie's head snaps up. Elmer is standing by the end of the stable, having a morning cigarette.
"Good morning to you, too," she says, her voice low and throaty. It's the first time she's used it today.
"You know people are looking for you?" Elmer asks.
Ellie feels a pang of apprehension. "What? Who? It's barely dawn."
"Yeah, you're telling me. Wilder stopped by with some leather for me, asked if I'd seen you. He says Maria called Dinas, Marty, I don't know who else. She's looking for you down at governance."
Ellie's heart thumps, the cold seeping into her limbs. "What about?"
"Probably about that fucking racket, I'd wager."
"What racket?"
"You didn't hear the thunderous rumbling not an hour ago?"
She thought she'd heard or felt something, but then assumed she'd imagined it. Or it was a minor earthquake or something. "No, what happened?"
"I don't know, but someone came to town. Ellie, does it really matter? Maria's called for you, you better get."
She pushes herself up off the fence. Elmer's right about that.
Ellie walks into the front door of governance. They're huge, double sliding doors—this place used to be a feed house, of course. They're built for tractors and horses to ride through. She slides the hundred pound door shut behind her with a clang.
The main hall of governance, still dirt-floored, is now stacked with desks and cabinets instead of bales of hay and pallets of seed. It's early yet, and most of the desks are empty. All of the desks are empty, in fact, because the people that are here are all gathered in a crowd halfway through the room. Ellie can hear Maria's voice.
Ellie's heart's been thumping since Elmer told her Maria was looking for her. She gets those calls, but not often. Usually when something of import happens. Something Maria thinks she should be aware of. Or, because Ellie is in trouble.
She sees Abby's frame when she gets within twenty feet, one of the bodies at the back of the crowd. Of course she'd be here.
Preternaturally, Abby turns, and locks eyes with her. Ellie hesitates for an instant, then resumes her stride toward her. But Abby's not angry, upset, or scared. Her brow's furrowed, though. She beckons Ellie toward her.
Ellie moves in next to her. At this point, she recognizes that half the crowd is not Jacksonians, which itself is highly unusual. They're uniformed, too. Not perfect uniforms, but all are wearing some version of dark gray cargo pants and jackets.
"What's going on?" Ellie whispers to Abby.
Abby looks at her briefly, soldier-mode. She shakes her head, and gestures for Ellie to listen.
"I hadn't anticipated it either, Maria. But things have moved quickly, last couple months, and so we find ourselves in your neighborhood."
It's a man's voice, middle-aged. And Ellie knows it from somewhere. She blinks.
"Let me be clear, Captain, you're not unwelcome here. You must have had a change of plans, though. You told us you'd be here next month."
"Well, that's true. We were in Idaho, taking care of business up that way, and we got redirected. Not every site we visit has rewarded us with… hospitality."
Something pulls her forward, and she starts to press through the bodies on the outside. Abby tries grabbing her arm, but she pulls away. Where does she know this voice from? She needs to see.
"That I can understand," says Maria. "I intend to set a very different example, however. We are grateful to you and your people already. We've used your supply on several occasions already."
"How many?"
"God help me, I need to check. Walter, can you answer that?"
"Eleven, Maria."
"And the success rate?" asks the man.
"One hundred percent, so far," replies Maria.
"That's incredible—now, I would press you for some details—data, factually, about those incidents. We are trying to understand the efficacy to the greatest possible extent."
"I'm sure you are," replies Maria, "and I'm sure that's something we can accommodate. I—"
At this point Ellie pushes through to the front, and inside the circle of onlookers, mostly Fireflies, she realizes from the patches and tattoos, she sees Maria standing with her hands on her hips, conversating with Captain James Dunford.
Dunford, close-cropped salt-and-pepper hair styled in a professional part. His age shows on the tanned skin of his face, but his body is as fit and ever and his manner is lively. He folds his brows and a smirk appears on his lips. "Now, I do believe I know her."
Unthinking, Ellie runs forward and wraps him in a hug.
"Oh!" he says, and there's some scattered laughter from the onlookers. "Well, that's alright."
Ellie pulls back, smiling all in spite of herself. She looks at Maria.
"Yes, that's very good, Ellie," says Maria with something of a motherly expression. "Why don't you stand by me, here."
"What's going on?" says Ellie, moving to her side.
"Well, the good captain has just finished explaining to us the nature of their visit," says Maria, "but we do have further details to attend to. Why don't you join us in my office.
"Captain, your men may see Jordan about food and lodging—you'll be staying a couple days?"
"Couple days only, ma'am."
"You'll be well taken care of. I assume you'll spend some time at the trade desk and we'll schedule that, too."
"Maria?" It's Abby's voice. Ellie knows she doesn't like calling Maria by first name, but Maria is quite insistent.
Maria frowns her way. "Fear not, Abby, you will be in the office as well. We wouldn't leave out our resident… expert."
"Well, then," says Dunford, holding his arm out in the direction of Maria's office. "Shall we get down to business?"
Abby climbs the narrow spiral staircase to Maria's office behind Lieutenant Parker. She's excited, but uneasy, as she has been around Fireflies since she left the cause. She hasn't received much or anything in the way of ire from any of them, but she's still waiting for it. For the time the infantryman makes a smart comment about the dog tag hanging around her neck.
Someone smacks her arm. She turns sharply, and of course it's Ellie. She's got the biggest, stupidest grin on her face.
"Aren't you excited?" Ellie asks her.
Abby cocks an eyebrow. "Yeah, Ellie, sure."
"Really? Cause you look like you're at a funeral."
Abby points to her face. "This is excited."
"You're part of this, you know."
"What?"
"Making this happen." Ellie really is excited. They pause near the top of the stairs as Maria opens the door, and she's actually bouncing on the balls of her feet.
Abby snorts, belying the warm feeling that emanates through her chest and body. "Yeah. Yeah, I know." She looks forward as they start to file into Maria's office. "Hey. Don't embarrass me in there, alright?"
"How could I ever?" Ellie asks, as if indignant.
"You're creative."
Maria's office is sparsely decorated but otherwise pristine, as usual. There are a bunch of papers on her desk she scoops up and stacks in a neat pile on the corner. She sits in her high-backed chair.
"I keep thinking about getting more comfortable seating in here," says Maria, "for such occasions."
"We're not too particular on that front," says Dunford, sitting down in one of the two wooden chairs in front of the desk. "Shoot, being in a well maintained and temperature controlled building is nice enough. Homier here than…" He hesitates, then looks at Ellie and Abby. "...than Catalina," he finishes.
"You guys are still operating out of Catalina?" Ellie asks. She's leaned up against the wall to the left of Maria's desk. Abby's taken a position standing to the right of it. "I thought you moved to Sacramento."
"Sacramento holdings are key, Ellie," says Dunford, "but we wouldn't just forfeit Catalina. We built up a lot of infrastructure there and it's damn defensible."
Abby could have told her that. Considering the arms they amassed, the buildings they built up and modified for defense, and that chem lab they spent half a year converting into a gasoline production facility, there's no way they'd just give it up.
"Captain," says Maria, "I just want to tell you that you and your men are always a welcome sight here at Jackson."
"Well, thank you, ma'am," he replies.
"I knew what Ellie set off to do a couple years ago, but never in my wildest dreams did I dare hope it would result in a caravan of armored vehicles delivering a cure for the infection to our doorstep."
Dunford offers a wry grin. "Well, for many of us in the Fireflies, it seemed like a wild dream. For a long time. But those who would lead us never lost that vision."
"Thank God," says Maria. Ellie gives her an odd look. Maria turns to Parker. "I do not believe we've met."
"Lieutenant James Parker," says the young man. Well, Abby says young, but only because of his rank. He's probably three years older than Abby. He's got the cropped black hair, tighter than Dunford's, but no sign of a receding hairline or gray hair. He's fit, and stiff as untreated leather. She knew him passingly at Catalina. He had a bit of a stick up his ass. Like a lot of people who made it that long on the Fireflies.
"Lieutenant Parker isn't just here to accompany," says Dunford. "When we leave here, I will be taking a small detachment and Parker will lead the convoy down to the next stop."
"Shall I ask what that is, or…?" Maria asks.
A lot of what the Fireflies do, even now–especially now–is classified. She's being tactful, but asking nonetheless. Like a proper leader.
"I cannot give you exact details, however I will inform you a bit about our supply movements."
"Please do," says Maria.
"As you may recall from last time, distribution of our 'treatment' began in the Fall of 2042. It was slow at first, as we continued to improve and expand our production capacity. We began close to Sacramento, but the goal was always–since 2014, mind you–to direct it to the densest and most heavily impacted city centers. And that is what we are proceeding to do.
"Map of the country has changed quite a bit in the interim. Nonetheless, we have constructed something like a modern map of known population centers across the middle continent."
"Is that something you'd be willing to share?" Maria asks, eyes narrowed in focus, fingers on her chin.
"Not at this time, I'm afraid." He knew she'd ask. And he does a good job of saying 'no' both firmly and diplomatically. "You will be apprised quickly if that changes, however.
"So as it is, we started in California, and by Spring of '43 we had routes to Oregon, Washington, Idaho, Nevada, and Arizona. We did make a special delivery to Wyoming, however."
Maria offers a little smirk.
"Now we have had some success. There are settlements which would not entertain us. Not everyone likes seeing a train of armored vehicles at their door. However, in other places, we have been received with excelling gratitude. Accompanying trade–particularly for gas–has enabled us to travel farther and farther. Along with the principles that have guided us since our inception, we have arrayed routes to deliver treatment all the way to the East coast."
Maria's honestly surprised. "That's a lot of gas," she says, echoing exactly what Abby was thinking.
"Yes it is," Dunford says with a chuckle. "A lot of our logistics have gone into that detail, believe me. So it is, this is one convoy that… well, let us call it Convoy B. We're on something of a central route. It will be traveling South from here, then looping back to resupply in California."
"How far South?" Ellie asks.
Dunford considers her for a second, then looks to Parker.
Parker looks up at Ellie with a cool expression. It couldn't be more obvious he does not appreciate Ellie's question, or her presence in the room, for that matter.
"We'll be hitting a few stops in Colorado, on Southeast to Oklahoma City. We will pass down and West from there. Our last major stop is San Antonio before taking a direct route back to base."
Ellie listens intently, face betraying little, but the second the words 'San Antonio' comes out of his mouth, her eyes widen and her face softens.
Abby's brow twitches. Why would she care about that?
Maria seems to take note as well, staring a frown at Ellie. She recovers quickly and turns to Dunford and Parker. "Is there anything you're in pressing need of, before you continue this long journey?"
"Food mainly," says Parker. "Fresh food. Dry rations only do so much for the men."
"That's correct," affirms Dunford. "Don't suppose you guys have tapped into gas production since we last visited."
Maria shakes her head with muted humor. "Afraid not. We can offer you some fine horses, however."
Dunford chuckles. "Yeah, I thought that might be the case."
Abby's watching Ellie, who has stopped paying attention to the conversation she was so excited about. Her eyes are far away, searching through ideas. She bites her thumb.
She notices Abby watching her and looks away, sniffing.
They continue talking for a while. Abby ends up contributing basically nothing. She's not a Firefly insider, anymore, just someone with experience. These days, she's more of an expert at patrol routes and Jackson code. And she knows a little more about skinning and fishing. And home maintenance.
Her eyes drift subtly back to Ellie a few times, but she doesn't let up any more info. Abby's not likely to forget that little tell she gave, though. She rolls it over in her mind a bit, but nothing she knows about Ellie suggests anything about why she might be preoccupied with a particular city in Texas, a thousand miles away.
Ellie doesn't meet her eyes again. And when they do break, and Abby promises Dunford to join him and the men for supper, she eventually makes her way back down to the governance floor to find Ellie's already gone.
Ellie runs up Maedlyn's stairs two at a time. She stops herself at the top, about to rap on the door. She's breathing fast. She's excited. Maedlyn's not gonna be excited, though. She has to be thoughtful. She takes another couple breaths, summoning some sobriety. She knocks on the door.
There's no answer, not even footsteps. She frowns. She figured Maedlyn would be home. Is she at Guillermo's? No, shouldn't be for a couple hours yet.
She knocks again. Silence.
She wouldn't sleep this late, she—
Then she remembers the girls.
She runs down the steps and around the back of the building, to the one storey building where Taylor Lockridge lives and on top of which Maedlyn compelled Ellie to build a chicken coop almost a year ago.
She runs up the serviceable stairs Abby helped her build, she can already see Maedlyn's bun shining in the morning sun. She's feeding the girls by hand. She turns as Ellie gets to the gate, a little surprise on her face. She turns back to her work.
"Mornin', sugar," she says.
Ellie steps around Lucinda and Henrietta, who cluck contentedly, leans in and kisses Maedlyn on the cheek.
Now Maedlyn turns around, giving her a bit of a funny look. "You're not usually so excited to see the girls."
"Just one," says Ellie. She's fidgety. She's got to slow down.
"What's going on?" Maedlyn asks her. "You look… energized."
"Did you hear who came to town?"
"Who?" Maedlyn looks over her shoulder, sprinkling seed down for the chickens.
"The Fireflies."
Now Maedlyn looks over more serious. "Oh? Really? Did they bring more of the cure?"
Ellie nods. "Yeah, and they're carrying on from here. I guess they're distributing around the West US now."
"US?" Maedlyn asks. "Like the United States?"
"Yeah," says Ellie, trying not to get hung up on details, "they're trucking around in their armored convoys, delivering cure to any group that can refrigerate it."
"Well, that's generous."
"Well, it's their mission, Mads. They told me when they were making it that they would never extract a fee for providing the cure. They would trade otherwise, on equal terms, just for what they need."
"Well, don't they want something for all the work they put in?"
Ellie frowns. She's not getting it. "No, it's not like that, Maedlyn. It's not a business, they're running. They're idealists. They're trying to save humanity, they always have been. Involved a lot of fighting… people dying, too, but what they were trying to do is rid the world of the infection."
Maedlyn frowns over at her, struggling to believe that.
"I know," says Ellie. She's trying to be patient, but it's hard. "Most people react like that, but they haven't changed. They're doing their best to spread this thing, this cure around. It works. Dunford says they've used it on like thirty people so far, and all but a few of them survived—he said it seems like as long as they get it within four hours, it generally works—"
"I don't really like thinking about that, Ellie," says Maedlyn.
"Huh?" Ellie's dumbfounded. How can this not interest her?
"People getting infected," says Maedlyn.
Ellie frowns. It actually makes her kind of angry. Why would she say that? Doesn't she understand what Ellie is saying? "That's my point, Mads, this thing is saving people. Their doctors think they might actually be able to make it better—"
"Ellie," says Maedlyn, "I know you're real excited, but that's all a little too exciting for me. Why don't you help me feed the girls for a while? We can talk after that, kay?"
Ellie lurches inwardly. She sprinted over here from governance to share what she just heard with Maedlyn, and she really figured her excitement would, she doesn't know, transmit.
Not knowing what to say, she picks up one of the sacks of grain from the cabinet at the end of the enclosure. The chickens wander around her feet expectantly. Fat Lucy cranes her neck up at her. She likes food, and she likes pets. That's Lucy.
Ellie bends down, giving her neck a few scritches.
She thinks about what Dunford said, about their new routes.
"You know," starts Ellie, standing up, sprinkling more grains absent-mindedly, "Dunford said—he was talking about their routes. They've got this long-distance supply chain getting set up. They're communicating with cities, FEDRA, whoever has a radio tower—they're communicating across the country. Next year, they hope to have a regular route to the East coast. And maybe entrust some authorities there to move the cure around, make it available. FEDRA has talked about putting out signs directing infected people to come in, that they might be able to cure them. And…"
Finally what Maedlyn asked her a minute ago sinks in, and she looks over at her girlfriend.
Maedlyn's just giving her this loving, tolerant look over her shoulder, continuing to sprinkle grains. "Go on, then."
"And they're the best equipped to do it, cause they got all these heavy vehicles that they've salvaged from around the country and from the military base in—" Right, that's secret. She gestures vaguely. "Over in California. And so it's like, it's like…" She's breathing fast. "And I think it excites me cause I think they're really gonna do it."
Maedlyn blink slowly at her, a patient, heartfelt smile on her lips. "Yes. Yes, sugar, I can tell."
"And they're going to San Antonio next and I want to go with them."
Swaying slowly with her movement around the enclosure, Maedlyn's waist hitches suddenly, she pulls back the hand that was about to release the grains. The patient look on her face evaporates and is replaced by a look contorted by obscenity. Finally, she looks at Ellie. "What did you say to me?"
That wasn't graceful. She really should have thought this out.
Maedlyn stares, hurt and confused.
"I know that's sudden, I know…" Ellie stumbles. It's really, really the moment for her to start making sense. "I know that must not make much sense–"
"Ellie, why would you even consider that?" Maedlyn asks.
Ellie finds herself wishing Maedlyn had just laughed at her instead. Then, finally, does she realize she hadn't prepared a proper lie. For a moment, she feels blank terror.
"I left something down there when I traveled the country, and I really, really want it back."
"What?" asks Maedlyn, making that sound as crazy as it is.
The gears start turning. "I know it sounds crazy, but there was this girl–" Fuck, why did she say that? "She, um, I gave her something, last time I was there. At the time it was… fine, but I want it back, and–"
"How could that possibly matter so much?" Maedlyn asks.
"I wanted to give it to you," says Ellie. Her gut is sinking. She hates lying to Maedlyn and she's fucking it up besides.
"I don't give a damn, Ellie," says Maedlyn. Her face is all screwed up in a frown. "That's dangerous. That's crazy, I don't care about some trinket."
"I know, I know it's not making much sense now. I just know that things can be symbols, like when you gave me my grip. And, and the harder it is to get…" She's flailing.
Maedlyn's face softens, with realization, and if anything it's far worse. "You're lying to me," she says.
Ellie's heart twists. She's breathing fast, and it's no longer out of excitement. "Um–"
"My lover is lying to me," says Maedlyn. "So she can leave the city again, like she said she'd never do."
Maedlyn turns around and starts tossing grains again, and Ellie is feeling sick to her stomach.
"She prevails on me to go patrolling, go ranging, go scavenging out there in God-forsaken country, and now this?" Maedlyn looks up, betrayal on her face. "Ellie, what's into you? Why are you doing this?"
Ellie can't think of one thing to say.
"Why won't you just stay?" says Maedlyn, and now her eyes are getting wet.
Ellie can't remember the last time she felt like such a piece of shit. She's hurting the one girl she's most dedicated to protect. It's happening, finally, after all the other lies, and Ellie absolutely deserves to feel this way.
Maedlyn turns away again, and Ellie sees her brush the moisture from her eye with the back of her handful of seeds. "Ellie," she says, voice strained, "I'm busy up here and I just can't talk about this right now. Why don't you leave and come back later?"
"Maedlyn, I can explain–"
She turns, anger in her eyes. "Explain later, then."
It feels like there's a fist around her heart. She can't be pitiful, not now, not in front of Maedlyn. Ellie nods, feeling like the lowest creature in Jackson. She drops her bag by the fence, pulls open the gate, and descends the stairs before her own tears make an appearance.