Disclaimer: Seriously! Do not emulate the main character.
Jump Chain Part 03
Part 03 of Meh Chapters 36-37
I sprang out of my hammock the second I arrived and rushed to the corridor of doors to check the take from my last mission. It hadn't been a bad decade; I'd gotten to do a lot of reading, I'd eaten a lot of food that I hadn't had to cook for myself, and I'd even had the privilege of making a sort of friend and introducing him to the joys of literature. Goldie, as I liked to call him, disappeared soon after that. I assumed he'd gone off to find a nice quiet place to read, I wished him well, but that wasn't important right now. What was important was to see if my plan to buy as many books as I could worked out.
The room, or I should say first room, was fairly plain. It contained a desk, a computer, and a few other miscellaneous things that weren't important behind the desk were two more doors, side by side. The left door led to a large garage filled with the vehicles I'd used in my jump, it also didn't matter, what mattered was that the right door led to a warehouse filled with pallets and pallets of books. It was wonderful, decades of reading, but also disorganized. I resolved to look into fixing that as soon as I got done reading the new Discworld novels.
Getting a library added to my shack was simple enough, having it automatically gather, categorize, and organize my collection was a bit more complex but not too bad.
I marched with Hannibal from Sagumtum to Zama, I fought in the battle of Greasy Grass then immediately thereafter in the Battle of Little Big Horn, and finally I took part in Cyrus the younger's failed attempt on the crown followed by the march up country with the ten thousand. On the last, I have to say that Xenophon wasn't a bad guy but he was a bit full of himself in my opinion. Main thing the jumps did, aside from increase and organize my library, was increase the size of my herd of horses and their paddock causing the island to expand to accompany all the new space. Nothing big.
I'm not sure how long it took me to get through all of my new books, all I knew was that it wasn't long enough so I tried to use the internet to fill the need, reasoning that it would take just short of forever to get through it all and all I can say about that attempt was that it failed. My internet, or at least the internet from the one world I had access to, was a big disappointment. Why you ask? Because it sucked. All, and I do mean ALL, of the fanfiction was about parahumans and most of it was poorly written. I didn't regret the jump, it had allowed me to get decades of reading material, but I did feel the need to do another jump so that I could expand the number of worlds I had access to online. Which is what led me to the catalog and my next jump.
The one I chose was going to be difficult, I knew that from the start, but I was sure that the reward would more than make up for the drawback. It was also the first time I'd be inserted into a non-human and I had insisted on another time limit on this jump, no way was I going to be stuck as an alien with a potentially multi millennia lifespan. Time to go to work.
I arrived on the bridge of a Batarian slave ship. The crew stared at me in stupefied shock, unable to comprehend the appearance of a mature Krogan in their midst. I, of course, killed all of them before they could recover. The rest of the crew didn't last much longer. Next came the cargo.
I tried not to wince at the putrid odor of the cargo hold; a mix of sweat, shit, and fear. It wasn't their fault.
"Hello!" I bellowed. "I'm here to rescue you! Anyone know how to run a ship this size? I just butchered the crew."
The now former slaves blinked at the sudden brightness, none of them said a word. They stared at me, I stared a them. This went on until a voice from the back answered in affirmation.
"Great!" I said cheerfully. "Come on up here! I have some idea what I'm doing with personal craft but this big fucker is something completely different from anything I've been trained on."
An Asari with a bruised face clutching a broken arm came to fore quickly followed by two more. "I was the captain of my ship before they took it," she announced.
"Great! You're in charge then," I replied. "There a doctor in the house?" There was. "Fix her first," I ordered. "Get everyone else as patched up as you can after that, focus on whomever can help run this ship first." I turned to the captain. "Meet me on the bridge as soon as you can, I'd rather not stay here longer than I have to."
"Understood."
She was wearing a crude splint on her arm when she and several others joined me on the bridge shortly thereafter.
I grinned at them as they entered, something they didn't seem to find comforting for some reason. "We got enough people to run the ship or do we need to wait until the doctor gets more ready?"
"Current company is sufficient," the captain stated as the other Asari took their places.
"Great!" I entered in a set of coordinates. "Take us here."
"This appears to be on the edge of Geth controlled space," the captain said cautiously.
"Trust me, I know what I'm doing," I replied. Worst that could happen was that they decided to blow us out of space before I had a chance to get a word in. I really didn't know what she was worried about.
Turned out, I did know what I was doing. Sure they did threaten to blow us out of the sky, validating the captain's fears, but they didn't immediately carryout their threat which gave me plenty of time to convince them that helping us helped them.
"Look, I realize that you guys got a raw deal. A big bunch of dicks tried to genocide you and . . . wait, does it count as genocide if it's a group of sapient machines?" I paused to consider it. The radio remained silent. "Whatever, it's not important right now. The important thing is that those dicks tried to kill you all and succeeded in killing off all your organic lifeform friends so you're all feeling pretty salty right now which is completely understandable. My question to you is thus: are you gonna sit around moaning about how unfair it is or are you gonna listen to me and follow my well thought out plan that could get you a bunch more organic lifeform friends?"
"This is what you meant when you said you had a plan?" the captain asked incredulously, looking sick.
"Great, isn't it?" I replied proudly.
"What do you suggest?" an artificial voice asked from the speaker.
"Short term it's for you to take care of any ex-slaves that don't have any place to go," I replied. "Long term is a bit more complicated. You see, there are these old machines that want to kill all life in the universe because they're poorly programed and I want to spent the next few decades helping the galaxy get ready for them. Oh, and to make life difficult for slavers, pirates, and other assholes but that second thing is more of a way to pass the time than anything else. You in?"
IIIIIIIIII
A dozen or so decades later I emerged from a newly opened relay to find a significant portion of the Turian fleet besieging a planet. So I was a couple weeks late, sue me, I'd been busy doing something horrible to some people that absolutely deserved it and I'd lost track of time.
The fleet hailed me only seconds after I arrived in the Shanxi system. I ignored them until they started threatening to shoot at which time I identified myself as an envoy from the Asari republics, something that would have been quite unbelievable if I hadn't gone voice only and used a changer. My Geth friends provided all the best toys. The authentication codes that went along with my transmission had been stolen only a week before so I figured they'd be good enough to at least give them pause before they fired and if not? Who cares! That was the best thing about being me! I absolutely did not give a fuck.
There was a bit of back and fourth after that; they directed me to one of the escort ships, I insisted on docking in the dreadnaught. They threatened to shoot me again, I pointed out all the laws their presence was violating and asked them if they really wanted the trouble the murder of an envoy would add to that. In the end we compromised; they offered to let me park my ship adjacent the dreadnaught and promised to send a shuttle to relay me to my meeting with the admiral, I agreed and then rammed their shuttle bay. See? Compromise.
Given very little time, the crew could have easily sealed off the portion of the ship that I'd invaded and disposed of me at their leisure which was why the first thing I did, after arming the bomb on my shuttle and setting the timer, so I guess more accurately the second thing I did was jump in one of the escape pods and leave. Time for first contact!
IIIIIIIIII
General Williams was having a hard time feeling anything but despair. They were not doing well. Cut off, without orbital support, and running low on supplies their situation was looking increasingly hopeless. The only positive was a flash of light in the heavens which he and the other defenders desperately hoped was an indication that help had arrived and that one or more of the enemy ships had been destroyed.
There was a loud knock on his office door. "Sir! Sir there's been a new development!"
"Enter!" a major rushed in looking excited.
"Sir! The flash last night, it was the enemy dreadnaught!"
He felt a smile forming. "Any indication what caused it?"
"Yes sir, one of the few remaining satellites was able to catch everything." The major turned on the view screen that occupied one of the general's office walls and keyed up the footage.
A small ship emerged from the relay, approached the enemy fleet, then without warning accelerated sharply and rammed the largest ship in the enemy fleet.
"Looks like our invaders have enemies," the general said cheerfully.
"There's more sir," the major said, drawing the general's attention back to the screen. "Here!"
An object, presumably a life boat, separated itself from the ship and rocketed towards the planet only moments before the ship disappeared in a chain of explosions.
"Interesting," the general mused.
"Might explain the reports we've been getting about an angry space turtle killing the invaders," the major mused. "We might have an ally."
"The enemy of my enemy is my enemy's enemy. Nothing more, nothing less," the general quoted. "Tell the men not to fire on the space turtle unless first fired upon."
"Yes, sir," the major agreed. "Should we try to make contact?"
"Only if it doesn't put any of ours at risk," General Williams replied.
"Yes, sir."
IIIIIIIIII
As I'd hoped, the destruction of the fleet's flagship threw the invasion into turmoil and prevented them from overwhelming the defenders which bought plenty of time for relief to arrive from the Systems Alliance and diplomats to arrive from the council. The humans were happy to see me and quite eager to get as much intelligence about the rest of the galaxy as they could before beginning negotiations.
"Main three powers are the Turians which are the assholes that were trying to conquer and subjugate humanity, the Asari which are smug assholes that have a secret Prothean Beacon that they'll genocide you to keep quiet, and the Salaran which are assholes that created a virus to genocide my race and are constantly keeping it updated so we don't get immune." I grinned. "Want to hear about the other assholes?"
"Please," the human general agreed.
"The Batarians are assholes that enslave everyone they can get their hands on, the Quarians are assholes that are the descendants of bigger assholes who lost a civil war and genocided the winners on their way off planet."
The humans shared nervous looks. "What was the war about?"
"Quarians are great engineers. One day they managed to create sapient machines that asked their creators if they had souls. Not sure what percentage of the population fell on the side of treating the sapient machines like fellow sapients vs destroying all of them but they, the ones who wanted to treat them like fellow sapients, won the war and the asshole side killed them all somehow. Don't know how, don't care, it's a sore spot for the Geth so I haven't asked."
"The Geth?"
"The machines, good group of guys if a bit traumatized by what they've been through. They've been helping me with a couple projects of mine for the last century give or take a few decades. Oh, and before I forget, another group of machines is scheduled to arrive in a few decades to kill us all. I warned the assholes but they didn't listen." My grin widened. "Are you going to listen to my warning or are you idiots?"
The rest of my jump went by in a flash, it was a lot of fun! I killed assholes, freed slaves, killed more assholes, looted, killed assholes, burned, killed more assholes, pillaged, conquered, and of course murdered mountains of assholes. To be honest, I almost regretted the fact that I was scheduled to leave and seriously considered trying to see if I couldn't extend my time by a few more decades but in the end I decided that ramming a ship full of explosives into the biggest Reaper ship that I could find was too badass a way to go out not to do. Meh, not like I couldn't just reinsert and do the jump again, right? I was sure that wouldn't be a problem.
I arrived back in my hammock and was immediately overcome by a wave of disgust. I was ill, the memory made me want to vomit. It was horrifying to see how much a change in species affected my mindset. Wanting to stay? Forgetting to acquire as much reading material as possible? Enjoying a jump? HERESY! I was disgusted with myself for falling into that trap. Never again! I vowed that I would never again fall into a trap like that unless appropriately bribed and maybe not even then.
Still, the books I got from the jump were pretty sweet. I was up to Discworld number one hundred and ten and every book in the series was a gem. I also got access to a much better internet, which was a plus. I did not get a corresponding boost in network speed, which was a minus. What I had was, admittedly, better than dialup but it was not even close to being good enough to take advantage of what I'd just earned.
So I needed to upgrade it and again the way to do that was to rescue another princess. Joy.
Also again I needed to make a few more jumps before I could qualify to take the easiest and most accessible rescue. Nothing big.
It didn't take long to knock everything out; I raided with Morgan which netted several more ships tied to my dock, I took part in Black Prince's chevauchée which increased the side of my herd of horses, and finally I learned how to paint from Andrea del Verrocchio along side his much more famous student, which was enjoyable enough. Time to go to work.
The mission was as simple or as difficult as I wanted it to be with a correspondingly larger reward if I choose to make it more difficult for myself. Not taking any weapons or armor doubled my internet speed, killing a few named individuals added a percent per death, the death of the Night King would double it again, and agreeing to be as subtle as I could possibly be put a zero on the end of that. The last was the easiest requirement of all as I was capable of being super subtle and was happy to show that given the reward.
Next came the choice of insertion point, each had pluses and minuses. In the end I choose the one that required me to bring one of my ships along and the ship I chose was the one I used to ram the big Reaper at the end of my Mass Effect jump, minus the explosives of course. Didn't want to be accused of bringing in any weapons.
I arrived at the end of a massive stone dock. Moored to it and drifting around the bay were fleets of wooden ships in varying states of decay each crewed by corpses in varying states of decay. The air was toxic to the point that nothing could survive it for more than a few hours, maybe a day or two at best, before succumbing which was why I'd brought my own supply. Time to get to looting.
I started by taking everything of value from the derelict ships and then moved into the ruins of the town. Gold, weapons, armor, and above all books. It wasn't enough to fill the hold, I could have put every ship in the harbor in the hold of my vessel and still had room to spare, but it was enough to carry out my plans. Now all I had to do was develop some plans. subtle ones. Meh, nothing I couldn't do later. In the mean time I decided to work on one of the stretch goals while I plotted out how to achieve the main ones.
IIIIIIIIII
Rouset had been one of his Lord Lannister's Red Cloaks since he'd been knighted as had been his father before him and his father before him. It was good work and usually fairly easy. All one had to do to be successful was to keep their mouth shut and to follow orders to the letter.
He was in good spirits as they entered the village, following Ser Clegane to teach the peasants a lesson. For what reason he did not know, nor did he care. All he knew was that his lord had ordered that an example be made.
"Who's in charge!" the Mountain roared as he dismounted.
It was a bit they liked to do, he and the other men always found it hilarious. The Mountain would ask who was in charge and murder whomever stepped forward, then he'd ask again and the smarter peasants would reply that he was. It never failed to get a laugh. They'd kill them all anyway afterwards, of course, but it didn't hurt anything to have a bit of entertainment first.
"I am, ser," a trembling old man said, stepping fourth from the crowd.
Rouset and the rest of the men had grins of anticipation, knowing what was about to happen.
"Excuse me, pardon me, 'scuse me, pardon me," someone called out, interrupting the show.
That was when things started to go off script. Whatever, he shrugged it off, it'd still be good for a laugh. They, he and the other Red Cloaks, turned their attention from the deadman in front of the Mountain to the crowd and watched as a stranger wearing fine clothes with a sword on his belt pushed through the crowd.
"Sorry to bother you gentlemen," the stranger said with a grin. "Would you happen to be Gregor Clegane more colloquially known as the Mountain that Walks?"
Ser Clegane glowered at the man. "I am," he growled. "Who're you?"
Rouset leaned forward in his saddle in eager anticipation of the violence he knew was about to occur.
Calmly, smoothly, and with lightning speed the stranger drew his sword and in one effortless motion put four inches of steel into Ser Clegane's throat. Then, with a practiced flick of the wrist severed the carotid. It was over before any of them realized what was happening.
"I'll just take his head and be out of your hair," the stranger announced cheerfully. "I'll try not to take too much more of your time than I have to."
Rouset was a veteran of a dozen battlefields and more massacres than he could remember. He thought he was a hard man, a killer. He had just received an education on how wrong he was.
Rouset didn't move. He knew they should attack, knew that the stranger couldn't best all of them but still he remained frozen. Let someone else be the first to charge, he justified his inaction. Let someone else be the first man to die.
IIIIIIIIII
I wasn't sure why the stretch goal included delivery of the head to a desert city, nor did I care, all that mattered was the sweet sweet bandwidth it got me.
There was a bit of a commotion when my little gift was delivered, unsurprising I supposed since who expected to find a tastefully decorated box with a human head on their doorstep? A small part of me regretted losing the box, it'd been in one of the ships and it had been so intricately made that I'd instantly wanted to find a use for it. Things had just seemed to fall into place after I'd gotten the head and seen how perfectly it fit inside and I figured it'd just be tacky to put leave it in a sack. Oh well, I was sure a replica would appear in my little shack after I was done with the jump so it wasn't like I was actually losing anything.
I worked out the next stage of my plan after I hid the ship and walked to my next destination. It was both cunning and subtle, as cunning that a cunning fox that had just been appointed professor of cunning at oxford university. It took some time to get the smile off my face after I worked out the details. I was a genius.
IIIIIIIIII
King Robert was in a mood. In his hands was a surprisingly well drawn handbill depicting his queen's fields getting throughly plowed by her brother's staff while he, the king, watched from a chair in the corner with a forlorn look on his face. The king's jaw clenched, he would find that never sufficiently damned bard responsible for all this and he would personally ensure the fucker's horrifyingly painful death. For the first time in his life he understood why the dragons were as they had been, sometimes there was nothing more satisfying than inflicting a sadistic death on those that had crossed you.
"Sire!" a dozen of his White Cloaks burst into the throne room. "We have to evacuate the castle!"
"Exactly why is that?" Robert demanded. Not that he didn't like the idea of leaving the godforsaken place but he was the king damnit! People were supposed to tell him what was going on.
"Sire, we . . . there is a new ballad concerning you."
His eyes narrowed. "Is it from the same fucking bard that wrote the Ballad of King Cuck and Queen Brotherfucker?" he growled.
"We believe so, sire," the white cloak said cautiously. "It's titled the Wildfire under King Cuck's Castle."
Robert's breath caught. "It's true then?"
"It is, sire."
"Evacuate the city, not just the fucking castle!" he roared.
"Yes, sire."
"Step up efforts to find that fucking bard!"
"Yes, sire."
"I want him alive!" Robert added. He had questions he wanted to ask and he wanted to ask them in the most painful way possible.
IIIIIIIIII
I hardly had to kill anyone at all after I entered the castle through the sewers accompanied by a dozen cargo moving platform things from my ship. Just a few other looters, none of which posed the slightest challenge.
My plan, as previously noted, was a thing of genius. Combining my skill as a composer along with my ability as an artist, I made several songs about the monarchy and printed a number of handbills depicting the subject of my song. The common people ate it up, the nobility secretly loved it, and when I was at the height of my popularity I used it to create a distraction. Sometimes I surprised even myself at how much of a genius I was.
Most of the cargo lifting things were used to transport the store of wildfire, only one was devoted to transporting something from within the castle. Would have been a lot easier if I'd been able to use my normal methods but sometimes a change of pace was nice. Once out of the castle I borrowed a sail from one of the nearby ships to sling load the hazardous part of my cargo. Wouldn't bother with that precaution normally but I hadn't rescued the princess yet so I wanted to remain among the living until I'd accomplished that. My internet depended on it.
Testament to how well made my ship was, my deadly cargo did not ignite on the flight north. Gotta admit that made me feel stupid, I knew that I should have just loaded it in the cargo hold and called it good. There was still plenty of room. Still, I guess just cutting the line tethering it to my ship once over my target was easer than having to chuck it all out by hand so it all worked out in the end. I think I planned that and forgot about it, more proof of my superior mind.
After that all that was left to do in the north was a bit of hacking and slashing to be sure my bonus was achieved and I was onto the main event. So far I'd been in the world about six weeks and I was hoping to get everything resolved so I could actually enjoy my internet in eight. I couldn't wait.
IIIIIIIIII
Tywin glared coldly at the trembling man in his office. It did not appear that the messenger believed that the news that he was about to receive would be welcomed.
"Well," he prompted softly.
"While unable to confirm the . . . the allegation made by the song, my lord, we were able to . . . to . . ."
"Out with it!" he barked.
"We confirmed that it is more likely than not that Joffrey is not the king's legitimate son."
He carefully considered what his next actions should be. "Does anyone have access to the evidence you managed to gather aside from you and your men?"
"I am afraid so, my lord," the man simpered. "It appears to be common knowledge in some parts of the court."
"I see." He leaned back. "Take a letter."
"Yes, my lord." The man scrambled for something to write with.
"It is my position that the allegations are of course false. However, the wife of the king must be above suspicion. Therefore my daughter will be divorcing the king and coming home along with my son and her children. Deliver that to John Arryn and wait for a reply."
"Understood, my lord."
IIIIIIIIII
The would be king was eager to make the trade, even knowing that what I offered was the physical object rather than the country itself. My plan was going off without a hitch, yet another of my brilliant moments.
"Let me see it!" the brat demanded.
"This way," I replied, leading him into the courtyard where I'd parked the wagon.
He tore the tarp off the object and spent several moments marveling at what lay before him.
I cleared my throat. "My pay?"
"Fine," he spat. The boy's glare moved from me to one of the servants. "Pack her things and give her to him."
"But, sire-"
"NOW!" the boy roared.
Without a hitch, I thought smugly. Sometimes I frightened even myself with how brilliant I was.
Moments later we were joined by a scared blonde girl. A very underaged scared blonde girl.
"Take her and begone!" the bratty prince ordered.
Shit. My gut sank, maybe I should have done some research? Fuck it, I'd figure something out. "Come on, little princess." I helped her gather her things and led her away from the only family she'd ever known.
I won't say there wasn't a bit of an adjustment period but I think things worked out once I hired a nursemaid and, ahem, acquired a friend. That's not to say there weren't hiccups:
"You do not want to reconquer Westeros and you absolutely do not want to regain the Red Keep."
"Yes I do!" the petulant little brat insisted.
She used to be such a quiet child, I lamented to myself. "Fine, you know what? Field trip time."
"Where are we going?" the brat demanded, accompanied by her much better behaved shadow.
"You'll see when we get there," I replied.
"Are we going shopping?" she asked eagerly. "Missan needs new shoes."
I glanced at the much better behaved child. "Do you?"
"No, master," she said quietly.
"I'm not your master, you're free," I reminded the child. "You can rejoin your brothers any time you want?"
"No, mas-" she caught herself. "No, ser. I'd just be another mouth to feed."
Good. I thought to myself. Mind like that had no business becoming just another random fisherman's wife or something. I'd actively sought her out in hopes that she'd help moderate the brat's behavior and because it was a convenient excuse to kill slavers, something that was always a pleasure. The results had been mixed, the little brat had misbehaved a bit less but only because it had been much harder to catch her scheming against me.
"She does," the bratty princess insisted. "The ones she's wearing have been repaired twice!"
"They still work," the behaved child disagreed. "It'd be a waste."
"We'll stop by a cobbler on the way back if we have time," I interrupted the argument.
"Are we almost there?" the brat demanded cheerfully. "I can't wait!"
We smelled our destination long before we arrived.
"What is this place?" the little princess asked, looking ill.
"This place is a tannery," I replied cheerfully. "Like it?"
"It smells," the little princess complained.
"Yup," I agreed. "Do you like the smell? You're gonna have to scrub really hard in the bath later or it'll stick to you for days."
"Why did we come here?" the brat demanded. "I don't like it! I want to go home so I we can get clean."
"You said you wanted to live in the Red Keep, right?"
"Yes?" the brat agreed warily, sensing a trap but not knowing which direction it would come from.
"This place smells way better than King's Landing and the Red Keep," I stated cheerfully. "I thought you'd like having a chance to see what it was like before you visited in person."
"I want to go home!" the little princess wailed. "I don't like it here!"
"Do you still want to live in the Red Keep?"
"NO! I don't want to ever go there if it smells anything like this! I want to go home!"
"Wonderful," I said cheerfully. "Let's go home so you girls can get clean. We'll visit the cobbler tomorrow."
But I think I managed to be a pretty good guardian.
The years passed and I made sure that the little princess would be able to stand on her own when the time came. The massive amount of gold I deposited in the Iron Bank in her name and the lessons I drilled into her head would ensure that.
"You're leaving?" the no longer little princess said in dismay.
"Yep."
"When are you coming back?" she asked imminently.
"Probably never," I admitted. "You'll be fine. You've got Missandei, a vault full of gold, and a house. You don't need me anymore."
"But I don't want you to go," she said, her lower lip quivering.
"Uh huh." That trick hadn't worked since I'd realized she could do it on command. "Just remember what I taught you and everything will be alright."
I almost regretted leaving the little menace and her slightly better behaved best friend. Almost.
My first day back on my island passed in a flash. It was wonderful. It was also the first time since I'd rescued my former ward that I had any peace, quiet, or time to myself. Everything was good in the world again.
Maybe I'd visit her again sometime to make sure she was doing well? I mused to myself. Maybe not. In the mean time, I had books to read and internet to enjoy.
AN: Assume all the Omake are cannon unless marked otherwise.
Typos by Josette Grover, Joe Fenton.
Omake: Opening of Part 04
There was someone in my hammock. The day had begun as it always did. I awoke, I selected a book, I made myself something to eat, I ate it, I walked out to my hammock, and then my daily routine was interrupted because there was someone in it already.
"You are late," the no longer little princess sniffed.
"What are you doing here?" I demanded, eyeing the little hell beast with suspicion.
"One day after you left Missan and I heard a voice asking us if we wanted to join you."
"She decided to stay behind?"
"She is exploring all the other rooms," the little princess corrected. "Why do you have a room full of paintings?"
"Because I painted most of them. Why did you choose to come here?"
"I told you that I didn't want you to leave," the little princess stated, clearly displeased with me for some reason.
"So?" I asked, not sure where she was going with this.
"So if you won't stay with us then we are coming with you!" she declared imperiously.
Omake: Sound Proofing
"GET FUCKED, NOOB!"
My quiet life was over.
"I'M GONNA FUCK YOUR MOM, BITCH!"
I was in hell.
"BOOM! HEADSHOT!"
Who knew that my former ward and her best friend would take to online games? And so quickly? I'd been sure the running hot and cold water would be the thing that blew their minds and had entertained the idea of telling them that it was accomplished through witchcraft or something.
"PWNED! Fuck you! HAHAHAHA!"
They both used to be such quiet children, I lamented to myself. Sometimes. Usually when they were misbehaving. I missed those times.
With a sigh I left my hammock, entered my shack, and started flipping through the catalog. There had to be an option for sound proofing, I didn't care what it cost me to get it it'd be cheap at twice the cost.
FYI, turned out that all I had to do was go on the worst journey in the world to get a penguin egg. Totally worth it.
Omake: A Different POV
Fuck yeah! Finally approved for my first jumper. Who should I pick?
This guy likes to read, I like to read. Perfect! We can talk about books between his jumps.
Hmmm, he appears to be pretty antisocial. Oh well, we don't have to talk about books. This will be so much fun!
40K? Bold choice, better give him the tools he needs to survive. Let's see, what do I have to work with? Plot Armor of Ciaphas Cain seems like a good pick, what else? Oh! Incorruptibility of Titus! That's a given. Don't want him getting corrupted, that wouldn't be any fun. What else?
Omake: Riley
She didn't cry as she put her mommy, daddy, and doggy back together again and again after the bad man hurt them over and over. She'd cried so much that she couldn't anymore.
"You don't have to keep doing this," the bad man said as he undid her work. "It'd be better for them and for you if you just gave up. All you're doing is causing them more pain, you're not helping them at all."
She flinched at the sound of a chainsaw running outside accompanied by horrible screams and sick laughter.
"Sounds like the others are having fun with the neighbors," the bad man said thoughtfully. "Your neighbors, they're lucky, it's going to be over quick for them. They don't have a bad girl in their house prolonging things."
Her mommy tried to say something but the bad man cut out her tongue before she could get a word out.
"Look at their eyes," the bad man continued. "They hate you for what you're doing to them, this is all your fault."
Riley wanted to yell, to scream, to tell him that he was wrong. Wanted to do anything to silence the little voice in her mind that was telling her to just give up, that it would be better for all of them if she just listened to the bad man and did what he wanted.
There was a loud crash and the bad man got a confused look on his face along with a fist sized hole in his chest.
"Hi!" A stranger in armor walked through the remains of her front door. "Sorry I took so long, didn't realize this guy was in here. He had a laser gun in his hand, a chainsaw sword in his other hand, and a dripping duffle bag over his shoulder. "Um . . . are you okay?" he finished awkwardly.
"Are you gonna hurt me?" she asked fearfully. The stranger had killed the bad man, she hoped that meant he was a hero.
"No, why would I do that?" The stranger looked at her parents. "Uh, I think I've got a first aid kit."
"I can fix them," Riley said quickly. "Is that okay?"
"If you can fix them, fix them," the stranger ordered.
"You're not going to hurt them again, are you?"
"No. I won't hurt them," the stranger promised.
Riley got to work as the stranger hacked the bad man's head off with his chainsaw sword thing. So cool!
IIIIIIIIII
Riley sat on her daddy's lap as her parents talked to the police. The stranger was gone, he'd traded his dripping duffle bag full of heads to them when they'd arrived for a different duffle bag full of money and then he'd left.
"Then what happened?" the PRT agent asked.
"Our daughter fixed us up," Mommy replied.
Riley's attention was on her doggy Scraps, he'd refused to leave her side after she'd put him back together for the last time.
Daddy nodded. "The hero . . . uh . . . I'm not sure what his name is."
"Klemperer," the agent supplied.
"Klemperer," Daddy continued. "Played the piano to keep our little girl entertained until you got here."
"That's it?" the agent asked.
"That's it," mommy and daddy agreed.
"Who is he?" mommy asked. "Is he with the Protectorate?"
The agent sighed. "No, he's not with the Protectorate. Search Kill Order on PHO."
Daddy looked confused. "I thought you said his name was Klemperer?"
"It is. He almost never interacts with anyone," the agent explained. "He's a . . . bounty hunter, I guess. He hunts down and kills any villain with a price on their head, buys out the local bookstores, and disappears until the next bounty is posted."
AN: Typo by Marius.
Omake by Veive
"Sir, we finally have the terrorists surrounded!"
"Good work, Jensen! Where are they?"
"They fled into the distribution center for Barnes and Noble. The leader burned the pre-release shipment of the latest Barry Trotter book. He says the foreman is next if we do not meet his demands."
"I'm sorry, he what?"
"He burned the pre-release shipment of the latest Barry Trotter book, sir."
"... Well, It's out of our hands now."
"What do you mean, sir?"
"They are delaying deliveries of the new Barry Trotter book."
"Yes sir, and why does that matter to us? We clearly still have jurisdiction-"
"No, son. We don't. Not anymore."
"Then who does, sir?"
"Go take a break Jenson. I have to make a phone call. Kill Order will take it from here."
Omake by Plmc
Otto Octavius watched a black, man-shaped object that would better be described as a somewhat solid pile of goo launched itself from building to building. Hearing an insane cackle, it spun around in mid air.
"I've got you now, Spiderman!" the Green Goblin called gleefully, throwing a pumpkin themed bomb.
The sort-of-blob fired two streams of webbing from it's wrists. One covered the eyes on the Goblin's mask. The other caught the bomb, before it was swung around and hurled at the personal glider the mad scientist was flying on. Without the opportunity to dodge, the villain's transport exploded and slammed him into a wall.
Doctor Octopus was deeply surprised to see Spiderman turn back and continue on his way, leaving his injured attacker to fall several hundred meters.
"That's not normal," he said to himself with a frown.
Spiderman froze and looked off to the side, his pesky extra perception having warned him about something. One of the other Sinister Six must be moving in. Hopefully their lack of either caution or observation would let him find out what was going on before he made his move.
I landed on a roof after dealing with a flying idiot and prepared to start swinging again. Sure, it's not the best way to get around, but a power boosting symbiote with the abilities of Peter Parker is a good start for the ROB infested death world that is Marvel. So long as it's not tied to an alien god, anyway.
Just before I could make my jump, I froze. My book sense was tingling. I looked over in the direction the warning indicated and saw a large, grey man with a horn on his face running towards my favorite store. The one that can order books even the internet can't find. My suspicions on what powers they use to do so are neither here nor there right now and will continue not to be as long as they keep shutting up and taking my money.
Right now, though? Someone's getting made an Example of.