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Saturday 1/6/90
Dear Harry
Mom and I don't really celebrate Christmas, there were no gifts from Santa or otherwise and we don't have a tree or any special foods, but I enjoyed the two weeks off school. We stayed in and read and played chess with each other. I'm starting to beat Mom at chess more often than not now days and I don't know whether I'm just getting better or whether Mom's ability to concentrate and strategize are starting to suffer more from her schizophrenia or whether her new medication is affecting her brain function. It really worries me. Even if it is the medication she needs to be on it though it will be one more reason for her not to want to take it if she realises what it is doing. I think that she has to know that she isn't thinking clearly, though I can't see how she wouldn't notice, she's not that far gone when she isn't delusional. I know that I'd prefer her to be on her meds than hearing voices and paranoid about being watched and controlled but I wonder how I'd feel if I was in that position, would not having episodes of extreme fear and confusion be worth never being able to think clearly? Or would I want to risk not being myself for the clarity of thought when I was well. I hope I would choose to take the medication. I just hope that Mom doesn't resent me for making her take it, taking that choice away from her.
Mom's been pretty good about taking her medication lately and we've had a lot of good days over my school break. I think it helps when I'm home all day but I just can't give up school and everything. For one thing I'll eventually need to earn a living we're scrimping and saving to get by on Mom's university pension and disability, and to be honest I'm too selfish to give up my dreams for my future. I tell myself that Mom wouldn't want me to give up going to Caltech to stay home with her and on good days she'd tell me the same thing but I still feel guilty that I'm going off on this huge adventure where she can't come with me.
I got my school report and passed all my subjects for the first half of the year, which academically isn't much of a surprise but I even passed the ones with attendance requirements without having to ask Mom to go in and argue for consideration to be paid for all the times I didn't attend class because I was hurt by bullies in the school, which relieves me. Just one more semester to go until I am out of that damned school. I apologise for sounding like I'm swearing but I meant it literally the school should be damned. I hate it there, anyone who succeeds in that school does it in spite of the attitude of the school itself. There are a few good teachers but by large the culture of the school either drives them away or wears them down to mediocrity. It isn't that they didn't care about their students but they certainly aren't encouraged to step in and protect the misfits from the popular students or to demand civilised behaviour from the bullies. I would have attempted changing schools if I had any hope that any of the others schools in the area were different. But they're all overcrowded, underfunded and understaffed. The class size and the number of classes each teacher is expected to teach grows larger each year until none of them have time for individualised attention or anything but their own classes and marking. I wish I could go to college already but if something goes wrong and I have to come home to look after Mom, I want to at least have my High School Diploma. I really don't know how Mom's going to cope with me not being here each morning to make her take her medication. I don't think my persuasions will work as well over the phone, if she will even answer it to talk to me, which she won't on her bad days. One of her more common delusions is that the government listen in on all telephone calls in the country and will come and take me away from her if we say the wrong thing. That's the worst part of going to Caltech it's too far to come home during the week and I know that most of the time I wont even be able to talk to her. I could write to her like I do to you but I already know it won't be the same and it won't stop me from worrying. Especially as she would still have to get up and pass the front door to get the letters and on a bad day she frequently doesn't come downstairs at all. I will need to find someone who is prepared to come in and make sure Mom takes her medications and takes meals and my letters up to her when she doesn't come down, and hopefully she will believe that the letters really were written by me.
I tried to take your advice about learning to speak Russian at the same time as reading it but neither the school library or the Las Vegas public library have a teach yourself to speak Russian recording. I will have to wait and look in the Caltech and the Pasadena public libraries. I did however meet an old lady who speaks Russian, but she won't teach me, she's almost as paranoid as Mom is about the government watching her actions but I suppose she might have more reason for her fears. Since learning Russian is now on the backburner for the time being, I've been trying to learn more astronomy and astrophysics. Vegas isn't the best place for astronomy with all the ambient light from the strip interfering, nor is it a good hobby for someone who doesn't like being outside in the dark, but it is still a fascinating subject particularly the theories of how stars are made and develop through their lifespans….
I haven't spent any time lately in the hideout, not only has it been too cold and whatever you did to be able to have a fire in the fireplace without smoking the place out hasn't lasted, I tried to make a fire and smoked the place out. It will take another few days to clear and I had to bring home the blankets and wash them. Apart from the smell of smoke, the place seems somehow abandoned and lonely without you there. I miss you Harry. I'm glad we can write to each other but like I said about writing to Mom, it isn't quite the same as having a friend to talk to or even just someone to listen. If Santa were real, I would have asked him for a cure for Mom, but if he couldn't do that then to bring you here for the holidays too, or for Mom to be well enough for her to take me to Surrey to see you for the school break. I think I would like that even better, then I could meet your new friends at the restaurant and know that they'd notice and do something about it if the Dursleys lock you up again and you can't go there for more than a day or two.
I hope you had a nice Christmas and got to eat your share of all the lovely food you cooked in preparation for it. It did all sound so traditionally British like a Christmas feast in a book. I think you must be brilliant in the kitchen to make all that. Petunia doesn't know how lucky she is to have your help.
Your friend
Spencer
A/N: Thank you to all those who reviewed followed or favourited this story for your support.