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Monday 2/12/91
Dear Spencer
I'm sorry that I worried you, but I also have to admit that I liked it when I got your letter. It felt good to know that someone out there cares whether I live or die. For you, I will try to stay safe if I can. I also gave Dean an envelope, stamped and addressed to you, and asked him to write to you and tell you if something terrible does happen to me and I can't let you know. It isn't much but I hope that stops you from having nightmares about me. I also thought about what you said about Hermione and I will try to be her friend. But she isn't you Spence. She might be as lonely as you were but she's not anything like you. She seems to actively drive people away and I can't decide whether it's on purpose or out of wilful ignorance. Surely her parents or teachers or someone must have told her that you can't expect people to be nice to you if you treat them like you think they're stupid all the time.
I like listening to you talk or write about the things you are reading and learning. You always seem so eager to share the information out of sheer joy of learning and excitement about the information itself. And when I don't know something or I'm just learning about something you must have learned years ago you never make me feel stupid about it. You're still interested in my studies and my insights even if they're not on your level. Hermione doesn't ramble like you and I always get the impression that she's telling me things to prove how smart she is that she knows things I don't, or because she thinks I should know them. I think you might be right about her feeling insecure though, she seems driven to try and learn absolutely everything about every spell or potion we learn as if knowing all that extra stuff will make things okay. She doesn't seem to enjoy learning the way you and I do, it's as if she needs it. I'm trying to encourage her to tell me what she enjoys doing, to try to find something she thinks is fun that maybe we can share but she says she enjoys studying. Which would be fine if I totally believed her. I know she enjoys doing well in class, and the attention and points she gets from the Professors, but her constant studying seems more like an escape from interacting with people. She says she wants us to study with her but I don't know if she really does or not, her attitude seems almost designed to drive us away, I certainly don't enjoy studying with her and get more done on my own too. Are you telling me she doesn't realise how her own behaviour influences the people around her?
I'm trying Spencer, I really am trying to be her friend, but I don't understand her and I spend half my time trying to keep the peace between her and Ron. They're like oil and water and sometimes I think Ron enjoys winding her up and watching her explode. I don't get much done studying with him either, he's always leaving things til the very last minute and then asking Hermione and I for help. The rest of the time he's trying to distract me from doing my work, to play chess or gobstones or explore the castle or something.
Snape is limping and when I went to get back the library book he confiscated and I saw he'd been bitten in the leg. I think he was trying to get past the cerebus guarding the trapdoor on the third floor and got bitten. He had to be doing something he shouldn't have been or he would have gone to Madam Pomfrey and be fixed right up. I'd feel sorry for him except that it's making him more bad tempered and cruel than ever. I think he might have been bitten by the Cerebus.
I just realised I forgot to tell you about that, and I want to tell you even though it will probably make you angry with me and worried again. Please don't be too angry, I was stupid and weak not standing up for myself but I've learned my lesson. I wont do it again.
Malfoy challenged me to a duel about a month ago. I wasn't going to accept and I didn't. But Ron accepted for me before I could stop him, and Malfoy set it for midnight that night in the trophy room. I wasn't going to go. I knew Malfoy couldn't be trusted, but Ron dragged me out, said that duels in the wizarding world are serious business and nobody would ever trust me if I didn't go. I was furious with him and told him that if they were so big a deal, he had no right to accept for me. Anyhow Hermione came with us out of the portrait trying to stop us and lecturing us on the stupidity of it all. She was so stuck up about it that she was annoying me even though I totally agreed with her. It got my back up and I told her that we were going. She turned to go back in but the Fat Lady wasn't in her frame so she and Neville came with us. Neville had been stuck outside because he'd forgotten the password again. I was right it was a set up but as we were running away from Filch the caretaker to avoid a detention, we came across a huge three headed dog called a Cerebus, standing on a trapdoor in a locked room on the east wing of the third floor which we'd been warned to stay away from. Apparently while we were running we'd accidentally ended up in the forbidden corridor on the third floor. I think that Dumbledore is hiding something there and I think that might be why someone let the troll into the school, to cause a panic so they could try and find it. Also, since Snape turned up limping right after that and looks like he's been bitten by a very large animal, he's either the person who let the troll in or was involved in stopping the person who let the troll in.
Hermione was furious with us, which I found a bit hypocritical since she did come too instead of waiting by the common room entrance, with Neville like he wanted her to. I was angry with Ron and told him that if he ever deliberately set me up like that again I wouldn't be friends. Then he was upset because he didn't think he did set me up, in his mind it was all Malfoy. Then a week later it's as if he's forgotten all about it and thinks he's my best friend again and Hermione has stopped lecturing us about it too, though this was before we became friends. I promise I wont let him accept any more duels for me even if I have to embarrass him by declaring that he doesn't have the right to accept after he has.
I must admit I was slightly disappointed that he'd forgiven me and decided to be my best friend again. I was having much more fun hanging out with Neville and with Dean and Seamus sometimes. Still I refused to drop Neville and include him on all our plans be it studying or relaxing and make sure the five of us hang out as a dorm more often too. I don't think Ron is particularly happy about it but I told him he wasn't my only friend and just as well if he was prone to going off and sulking for a week or so every time I stood up for myself or disagreed with him.
How is Caltech, are you enjoying your classes still. And how are your mum and your friend Ethan? Do you find having friends as confusing as I do? It wasn't like that with you and me. We just seemed to fit together and everything you encouraged me to do was for my benefit and made sense, you wouldn't have been upset with me if we'd disagreed about doing something, or I hadn't liked learning the same way you do. But here I'm having to compromise to keep friends and I don't know if I like it.
Your Best friend always
Harry
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