To begin our story, we must go far far back… to the year of 2012. There was a miniature pig named Benjamin: aka Benji from Tallahassee, Florida. Because he lived in Florida, he grew to have some… interesting characteristics. He met a female hog named Sugah eating poop on the side of an interstate in West Virginia. In this society, all animals can talk and function in society alongside humans, you just can't kill each other unless you have a permit. If you do, it's free for all. You also can't marry a different species.
Benji and Sugah had a complicated relationship, and the love wasn't always there. Benji just wanted more than a hog, he wanted a human. He wasn't satisfied with a pig, and Sugah knew it. Sugah also loved coke and raves, and considered them her "first love". One night, things got a little too steamy, and Sugah ended up pregnant! Benji was furious, but Sugah wanted to keep the babies. He agreed, but only if he got to name them, which she agreed to. They ended up having a beautiful litter of triplets, and because of their agreement, Benji named them. He named them Lobotomy, Laquisha, and Lasagna, after his favorite things: mid 20th century health procedures, black women, and Italian food. As soon as he named them though, he left. Sugah wasn't surprised because she knew things would never work out, but at least she got to keep her kids. She then moved to Alabama, New York to start a new life.
It only takes 6 months for a pig to turn into an adult. Sugah knew that, and knew she had to instill 5 key thoughts in their little brains before they went off to be on their own:
1. Don't trust the government, they lie and only want your money
2. Whenever you see red and blue lights, no matter what, RUN! It's the donut patrol
3. When building a house, use whatever material you first look at, as you should always trust your first instinct
4. Coke is a man's best friend
5. When in doubt, rave
She was a special mother, and loved her kids very dearly regardless. Especially her little Laquisha, who looked just like her. She was her only daughter, after all. Unfortunately, though, she died in July in 2012, just 5 months after her children were born, from someone with a permit who wanted bacon for dinner. Her children were devastated, but in honor of her, went to a rave every day for the next 2 months. They grew up to be just like their mother, they loved snorting coke and they loved going to raves. They loved the thrill of them, and would often come back home at 6 am and would invite their friends to do coke parties together.
One night, after a rave that lasted for 4 days straight, the three little pigs were all boozed up and ready to go for a coke session at 10 am, when they saw a black car pull up to their driveway. Laquisha and Lobotomy started freaking out, and thought this car was from the government. They were going to leave until Lasagna pointed out it was just their coke dealer, which they both sighed a relief to. Lasagna is the one who buys the coke, he just usually does it at 4 am but they were at a rave for so long they lost track of time. When the person stepped out of the car though, it was a wolf in a tuxedo. Lasagna was perplexed. A wolf was never the dealer, and he started to get nervous. When he came to the door, he knocked politely. Lobotomy opened the door timidly and the wolf gave the biggest smile you'd ever seen, teeth and all. He said he was there to mow their lawn, as the grass was 20 feet tall because the little pigs are always too boozed to do anything. The little pigs gasped. They were extremely coked out at that point and thought he was a part of the government trying to scam them into taking their house, and shut the door.
Lobotomy screamed at the top of his lungs, so loud that the police that were patrolling nearby heard, and started heading in their direction without the sirens. Oh, and by the way Lasagna has vision where she can see red and blue lights from 2 miles away, and any time she sees them come any closer, takes her brothers and books a flight to Cancun for 3 days (their mother was also a stripper so they had extra money lying around for desperate times like these). Many times it had just been a flashing light on an ice cream truck, but you can never be too sure!
The little pigs were freaking out, they didn't have time to fly to Cancun and they knew that the supposed government agent was right outside their door, so they took the chance they could to book it out the back. The wolf saw this, and wanted to help the pigs out, so he ran after them. Since heir mother had instilled them to always build out of the first material they had seen, they all decided they would make "inconspicuous" houses with killing permit propaganda in the middle of a wheat field so the wolf would see that he was intruding on someone's property where they had the license to take him out and run away. They weren't the brightest, but this is all their coked up minds could think of at the time. They all cheered at the idea, and all ripped out their mesh crop tops to celebrate and turned on Charli XCX.
Lobotomy saw straw first and thought it was an excellent material to build a house out of, and did it. Lasagna saw a stick and thought the same thing, so he built a house. Laquisha saw a well, and decided to dismantle the entire thing. It was a well built to the opposite of the world, and when she destroyed it she accidentally flooded North Korea, and started WW3. They had had speed building houses before, so this was no biggie. They started to sing Iconia Pop when they thought they were safe. The wolf finally caught up to them, though. He was determined to help them, but they were adamant that he was from the government so they didn't trust them. He first went to Lobotomy's house made out of straw.
He said, "May I please come in?"
Lobotomy replied, "Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!"
The wolf was perplexed by this statement, but then he saw that Lobotomy covered the entire house in coke powder so he'd always have something to sniff up in time of need. The wolf was deeply allergic to cocaine, and he started to sneeze. He was frantic, and said "get out, or I'll huff, and puff, and blow your house down" and he did! It was a huge sneeze, it created a sonic boom which in turn destroyed both Lobotomy and Lasagna's houses. Lobotomy and Lasagna ran to Laquisha's house, and they cowered in fear. They didn't know what the wolf was going to do to them. The wolf begged them to just let him help them, as they didn't want any harm. He was recovering from his previous sneeze, but since the coke was still in the air, he had to blow again. He told the little pigs to find shelter and get out of the way, as he didn't want to hurt them. It was a smaller sneeze this time, though, so it wasn't like a sonic boom, more of a little puff. It was very underwhelming.
At this point, the little pigs didn't know what to do. Laquisha then had an idea, that they could run back to their house and get out their mothers' AK-47 and forge a license to kill and shoot the wolf. They all celebrated that wonderful idea by playing Charli XCX and ran back to their house in a panic, with the wolf pursuing behind. When they got to the house though, the police were there, and the little pigs screamed in fear. They got life sentences for having 39 lbs of cocaine in their living room and conspiring to kill without a license, and the Wolf passed out in his black car. The End.