Chapter Three

Hidden Scars

Light talked with the cashier in the pharmacy. L could have gotten the medicine by himself, but it was something like politeness again tugging at Light, and besides, it didn't really seem like L took care of himself. If he hadn't stopped to get the medicine, would he have even gotten it?

The small bag of pills—some for fever and cough—hung by his side as he slid his other hand into his uniform trouser pocket. L was waiting outside, leaning against the wall of the building and looking up at the sky. It was always hard to read his expression, and Light didn't think it was because L was vacant, but rather that his mind was ticking at a pace that most people couldn't follow. Perhaps even he couldn't follow. Light glanced up at the clouds, trying to see what L was seeing. Nimbus clouds drifted lazily in the summer evening sky, and he passed the bag to L after a moment.

"Here, you should take these when you get home."

"Thanks."

He'd been lost in those clouds, and Light had just pulled him back down, away from somewhere.

"You should have listened to me yesterday."

"Yes," L said quietly. "That's probably true."

Light hesitated, then put a hand to L's forehead.

"You're burning up."

L trudged more than walked. His Converse shoes broke the school uniform code, but none of the teachers must have bothered him about it so far. He emptied three tablets from the packets into his hand and swallowed them without water. Light hesitated before offering a bottle of tea from his bag.

"Oh, thank you."

L swallowed some of it down, then stared at the bottle.

"I hadn't tried this one yet."

"It's barley tea. I got it from the vending machine outside the library."

"Hm," L passed it back. "But if you drink that, you might also get sick."

"Then you keep it."

"You know, when it's not raining, we should play tennis again."

"We're equally matched. I need to practice before we play again. Besides, I need to focus on studying. If I don't, I'm not going to beat you during the next exams."

"And yet, here you are. Spending your time helping me get medicine."

Light hesitated. "Anyone would do the same. And if you're sick, then that means I have an unfair advantage."

He noticed L shift his eyes back up to the sky. "If we'd met about a year ago, I might have also been so competitive," he admitted. "The truth is, I don't really try. I never have. I've just been so bored, and I don't know what to do. Purpose is manufactured; at least I've come to that conclusion. Does that mean my life has more or less meaning?"

The words hit Light unexpectedly. There L was, like a mirror, walking beside him. Saying things that he'd never say out loud, with ease. He hadn't answered L about his fear, but that emptiness L had just described was the same kind of poison that spread through his veins day by day. Slowly, slowly… bringing more darkness.

"Then if we'd met a year ago," Light decided to dodge the question, "even if you didn't want friendship, at least I could have been there if you'd needed help. Having friends isn't always so bad, you know…"

"You keep saying you want friendship," L tilted his head to the side. "Yet you'll keep competing with me. Is your offer of friendship even genuine?"

Light returned his gaze.

Was it?

L saw straight through him. He'd been able to, ever since they started talking.

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"...You also don't seem like the type to have friends."

L pulled the key from his pocket. His grandfather's house was larger than any other on the street and painted a dark grey, with a garden full of colorful British flowers out front. A water fountain trickled beside the entrance. Their footsteps echoed quietly on the tiles, and Light was startled at how empty, yet clean, everything was. The furniture was minimal and white. There was no space to put his shoes, so Light followed L by taking his off in the hall.

L brought his hand up to his head after he did and closed his eyes, as if for a moment he was disoriented.

Light had both of their bags over his shoulder. He'd offered to take L's after he'd started coughing again. Anyway, it had been the perfect excuse to see where L's home was and learn more about his competition. Slowly, L walked up the stairs. The inside also smelled like flowers, but an artificial scent. Light supposed there might have been a diffuser somewhere and wondered for a moment if it was strange that he was trying to distract himself with small details because he was about to see L's bedroom.

No, why did it even matter? He was just going to dump L's bag, say goodbye, and see what he had lying around his room that might give him a hint about L's habits.

L opened the door, and L's room was very different from the rest of the house. Light was immediately met with a mess and chaos, and a lot of things strewn about on the floor.

"I'll just leave your bag—?"

L didn't answer him. He turned off a CD player that had been left on repeat, loudly playing Bach's Prelude in D minor. Light glanced around, trying to decide if the best place to leave the bag was either near the boxes filled with books, a pile of clothes on the floor, a computer that had been broken apart, or in the corner next to a guitar and violin. He decided to stand it next to the desk, which was covered in papers and diagrams of things even Light didn't recognize. Although he thought one of them showed an altered version of Escher's Tessellations.

He found himself staring around the room until he noticed L pull his shirt off, and Light froze. L must have gotten hot from the fever; he pulled a thin, white cotton T-shirt from his wardrobe, which had been crumpled on a shelf, and slipped it over his head. Light's breath caught as he stared at his back. His shoulders were more toned than they appeared hidden underneath a baggy uniform, and his lower back had dimples. He was thin, but Light guessed he must have worked out a little. His gaze lingered on the spot between his shoulders—a large, red scar. A burn scar?

L caught him staring but didn't say anything. Their gazes met for a flicker of a moment, and Light decided he wanted to stall. He pulled out the book L had been reading in the library, The Tale of the Heike.

"We're going to be studying this next semester. We'll have vacation soon, so if you want, I can help you with it. It's not going to be fair if you lose to me simply because you're not studying classic literature in your first language."

After sitting on the bed, L let himself fall backward onto it, his arms on either side of him, and stared at the ceiling.

"I didn't have any other plans for this summer vacation…" he mumbled quietly.

Light opened the book, seeing where L had stopped—page 54—and heard L stifle another cough. He walked around the room, glancing at the boxes filled with books from the corner of his eye. Some were in English, Italian, and French—books about science, history, revolutions, and psychology—

Admittedly, there wasn't a lot of space to pace. He found himself sitting on the bed next to L and crossed his legs.

"'The deep mountains are peaceful, yet the heart cannot find rest, burdened by the weight of fleeting dreams and forgotten glories.' The use of dreams here is another example of a symbol of impermanence. Usually, dreams now signify meaning or hope, but in old stories, they usually represent something fleeting and intangible. They disappear when we wake up, just like life will disappear after—" death . Light thought it was better not to finish that sentence.

He frowned. Swallowed.

Sayu was right. What happened to L was sad. And just now, he finally felt it. Something. His drive to be number one was momentarily dampened, and he looked at L, who had still been quiet.

"Actually," Light tried to divert the conversation. "Now probably isn't the best time to study, anyway. You're not feeling well. You should rest. Your grandfather will be home soon, right?"

"Sometime after dark."

L startled as Light reached into his pocket— his pocket. Light flipped open L's phone he'd just taken out and started pressing the keypad.

"Here's my number," he said. "In case you need anything."

"Thanks…"

Light gave him a small smile and placed it back down on the bed next to him.

"Don't forget about those apples too—Sayu will ask about them. They're from our neighbor's tree, and they're usually sweet."

A hand shot out and gripped his arm as he was about to stand.

"Light-kun,"

L's fingers were wrapped around him—tight. Light flushed at the contact, and he hesitantly turned his head, hoping that L didn't notice.

L pulled him down and said quietly, "You don't need to go. In fact, I'd prefer if you didn't."

There it was. That feeling of the air being denser next to L again. Light was realizing that he probably wasn't straight, because the way his body reacted to L wasn't anything like he'd ever felt before. Not that he had ever felt anything for another guy, either. Unless his rival happened to be a special case.

"Then," Light hesitated. He didn't exactly know what to do with this new information about himself or what L had meant exactly. "I'll need to do my homework here."

L let go of him. He sat up as Light walked back over to his bag and pulled out his books.

He walked over to L's bookshelf and pulled out an English dictionary. Glancing over at the other titles, he noticed a haphazard pile of photos also sitting on the shelf. He picked one up.

"Are they—?"

"My parents," L answered. "Yes."

"You and your dad really look alike…"

"Everyone said so."

Light went to put the photo back down but paused as he saw the one underneath. A polaroid. L . His hair shorter, and his gaze locked onto the person next to him, taking it. A guy around his age, an arm around him and their heads close together. He was smiling—a half-smile—

The photo was picked out of his hand, and L dropped it into the paper bin.

"Was that—?"

"My ex," L said flatly. "I meant to throw that photo out a while ago."

…Ex? L had dated a guy before?

"So, you had a boyfriend but not a friend?"

L shrugged. "I'm not all that fond of having either."

The dictionary suddenly felt heavier in Light's hand. He decided to sit on the floor again before his body language gave too much away.

"I take it you don't talk anymore?"

"No."

Light flipped through the pages of his English textbook.

A boyfriend? L had said it so casually, without even hesitating. Not that it was anything strange, but most people would have hesitated.

He's interested in guys…

Whatever, it's not like it's any of my business.

But it was something he hadn't expected. It might have been part of the reason why L was cagey.

"You know, it doesn't bother me, if that was your reason for not wanting a friend."

He heard L rummage through his own bag and looked up. L had taken out his own school books and placed them on the floor next to Light. He flipped open his history book and scanned over the page before writing all of the answers without pause.

"I don't want a friend, because I'm not particularly trusting of people."

"You say that like most people can't be trusted…"

"They can't."

Light's eyebrow furrowed. He didn't know anything about L's life, but he assumed that there was a lot more that had happened than he was letting on.

"What would it take for you to trust someone?"

"...Selfless acts. Time. But I'm still not sure if it would be possible."

"It sounds like someone betrayed your trust before. Maybe you just trusted the wrong person."

L paused between flipping a page and gave a slow shrug.

"Even you don't see me as a friend. Only competition."

"Couldn't it be both?"

L's gaze flicked up, and he studied Light for a while. His dark eyes barely giving any hint of emotion away.

"I'm not just saying that," Light told him. "This time I really mean it. I'll admit that at the cafeteria, I wasn't being sincere. I was sitting with you because I couldn't stand all the murmurs going around about someone beating me. I expected that I would probably hate you. Actually, you're not that bad. In fact, you saw right through me. You wanted to know what I'm afraid of? My life having no purpose. Every day is like a constant loop, and I've become so numb to it all that I've stopped caring about things that should be important. But you asked me not to leave, and that's either because you don't want to be alone or we recognize the same things in each other. Maybe I screwed things up at the start, but I can gain your trust. Whatever you want, I'm here. I know what it feels like to be alone."

He wondered for a moment if L had forgotten to breathe. He was so still that even his chest wasn't moving.

"The Jomon and Yayoi periods," Light said, pointing his pen at L's book. "It was the rise of the Yamato state. A centralized political authority was established and began to unify various clans under one rule, laying the groundwork for what would eventually become the Japanese imperial lineage."

Swallowing, L glanced back down.

"Yes," he murmured. "I've read about it before."

Light had taken a manga from Sayu's room.

He knew she had a few like this, but he'd never bothered with the genre before.

Boys' love.

What am I even doing? Light scolded himself. Research? A bit of light reading? If anyone found out—

"Hey, Light!" Sayu's head suddenly popped into the doorway. Her voice broke the silence, startling him. He quickly shoved the book under his arm.

"Sayu?"

"What are you reading?"

"Ah—something for class."

"I still need help with quadratic equations. My teacher got so mad today when I told her I didn't finish the homework."

"Yeah, sure."

Sayu sighed, dropping her math book onto Light's desk with a thud. "Why is math so hard, anyway?"

"It'll be useful when you're older."

"I doubt it. It's not like I'm going to become a spaceship engineer."

Light swallowed, trying to discreetly hide the manga. He wasn't sure his arm was doing the job.

"Wait—on second thought, just give me a minute," he stammered, panicking.

"Huh?"

Light tried to nudge her out of the room, but Sayu's curiosity kicked in. She noticed his strange behavior and began looking around. "What's going—oh! You stole my manga!"

"What? No! I just found it here. I think Mom accidentally put it on my desk. Did you leave it lying around?"

"No way. I finished that one a year ago."

Light kept trying to push her out, but she charged in and grabbed the book excitedly.

"Ah! I love this one! It's about those two guys who meet in school, then move away, and years later they reunite and are still in love. Ohh... Big brother," Sayu eyed him suspiciously, clutching the book, "are you in love with a boy? Is that why you're reading this?"

Her expression was so serious that Light almost laughed, if he wasn't so shaken up.

"I wasn't—fine, I was reading it." Younger sisters were annoyingly hard to lie to. "L mentioned he dated a guy before. I was just curious what that kind of relationship is like. I've only dated girls, so I thought... I don't know, maybe two guys dating wouldn't work. I was trying to understand it a little."

He cringed, realizing he sounded awkward—maybe even a bit prejudiced. People often fumbled on topics like this, but he was trying to act like it wasn't a big deal.

Sayu blinked. "Isn't it just like any other relationship?"

Light swallowed, feeling overly defensive.

"Yeah," he agreed after a pause. "You're probably right."

Sayu looked at the manga, then handed it back to him. "Well, if you do end up dating L, I want to come to the wedding!"

"What—Sayu—?!"

Where did that come from?

"No, you've completely misunderstood."

"Have I?"

"Yes! Where did you even get that idea?"

"It's just a joke," she teased. "Why are you being so serious?"

"I'm not being serious. But don't joke about stuff like that—especially if Mom or Dad overhear. There could be a huge misunderstanding."

"Okay," she mumbled, lips pursed. "I won't say anything... if you help me with my homework!"
"You know... I always help you anyway."

"I know." Sayu agreed, smiling.