I don't know how to start…

Had a really bad experience with that influencer Julia everyone's so in love with on Instagram. I've been sitting on this experience for almost a year, trying to understand how someone could present themselves so differently from social media. Thought I should share my story here..

So I went to one of her meet-and-greet events at VidCon 2024. I was next in line and she had just finished giving a fan her autograph. I walked up to her and said hi. She looked up at me and just snatched the makeup palette she collabed with KKW Beauty on. I started telling her how sorry I was that her liquid lipstick line plan had fallen through because she was in a scandal for using melted Crayola crayons as the pigment. She ignored me, and when I tried to break the ice by bringing up the Brandy Melville scandal (one of Julia's former brand ambassadorships had a racism scandal with some influencers), she huffed. She started writing "Stay strong, you've got a hard life ahead of you with that ugly face 3 love Julia. Buttknuckle."

She handed it back to me and said "next" loudly. I wondered if I had done something wrong and said I didn't want to take up too much of her time– "like you're doing right now?" she said. I was a bit taken aback and said "huh?"

"Huh?" "Huh?" "Huh?" She mocked, closing her hand in my face each time. I gulped and meekly thanked her for the autograph. I looked down at the autograph for a solid seven seconds trying to figure out if she actually did just write what I was seeing. When I tried to ask her what a "buttknuckle" was and why she called me it (it sounded derogatory. How else would you use buttknuckle if not as an insult?), she just snapped her fingers. The buff security guy guarding her stand started shooing me away. I could see her snicker to her influencer friends standing near her. I chalked it up to her just being tired. It was late in the afternoon, after all.

Later at the food court, I caught her behind a Tim Horton's booth, shoving down a little kid and taking his lunch money. She then used said money to buy two large combo meals for herself. I watched her wolf it down, and as we passed each other, I smelt a terrible fart. I looked at her, and she immediately scrunched her nose and blamed it on a homeless old woman standing on the sidewalk. Everyone started laughing, and her fans crowded around her, asking if she was alright for having her "air" tainted and giving dirty looks at the old woman. I handed the poor old woman five cents to buy herself a hot meal, shower, car, and home and said "Peace be with you."

My benevolence aside, I tried to catch a glimpse of her, but her fans swarmed her. I guess 30 million Instagram followers will do that for you. Her fan bubble hoisted her inside a luxury store. Louis Vuitton, I think it was. While inside, I saw a short girl with a beanie and a shifty gaze swiping priceless purses and stuffing them into her red overcoat. The thief never left Julia's side. I saw them exit the store, but not before the thief pointed some electromagnetic disturbance gun (I'm a genius, so I knew exactly what device it was) at the alarm detector and disabled the stolen-goods alert. Julia, the thief, Julia's bodyguard, and her swarm of fans exited the store without a trace.

Well, there must've been some malfunction on the thief's alarm disabler gun, because the Louis Vuitton store's alarms started blaring like crazy. The store manager, two clerks, and several local Anaheim policemen ran up to the door and confronted the crowd. The manager aggressively asked who stole something. Julia and the thief pointed at Julia's bodyguard, who was quickly tackled and arrested.

Now without security, Julia and the thief ran to her hot-pink moped. The moped started sputtering tons of fossil fuels, which was weird to me, because Julia pledged on Instagram a few weeks earlier that she would go eco-friendly and only power her luxury vehicles with vegetable oil from now on. Tons of smoke from the moped engine blew into her fans' faces. One of the fans was even a little girl who had listened to Julia's suggestion to "start Retinol, Botox, and acid-peel treatments as early as possible for preventive aging. Dr. Oz approved!" The smoke must've reacted with the Retinol or acid-peel face treatments, because the girl, who couldn't have been more than ten years old, screamed as skin disintegrated off her face. I'm talking Skeletor levels of facial disfigurement.

The moped finally shot off into the California sunset, swerving around cars. Two cars crashed from her erratic driving, and I heard Julia laugh that it "served them right for owning anything less than a Lamborghini, Ferrari, or Jaguar."

The fans (most of whom were pre-teens and teenagers) started crying. Their parents came and got them, and eventually the day was over.

I returned to my hotel and considered writing this exposé but I knew how rabid her stans were. They had once gotten into a Twitter doxxing fight with Nicki Minaj's Barbs and revealed the addresses of over 1,000 of them. It was funny, because I remember the profile picture of the main Twitter user who was doxxing the anti-Julia fans had a red overcoat just like the thief's.

I also wondered if I had hallucinated the Buttknuckle thing or if Julia just had really bad handwriting, because she posted an Internet apology where she was sobbing and playing a ukulele about how the "Buttknuckle" signature lots of fans received that week at VidCon actually said "But never give up, 'kay?" and that as a hand-impaired disabled victim and feminist woman, she was sad at the smear campaign when the only crime she committed was having poor penmanship (having been raised in an abusive household where her parents forced her to work part-time during the summer in their family bakery).

Anyways, I hope this doesn't get me into too much online trouble. I know Julia has her online fans. We loved to hate her in Seasons 1 and 2, but I'm wondering if her personality on the show wasn't just an act? Let me know what you guys think and please don't spread hate. After all, I am just a completely reliable, noble, virtuous, whistleblower with a genius-level intellect and photographic memory.