Bonus Chapter: MST3K Vol. 1 - The Cat in the Hat (2003
Notes:
Hello, everyone, to a fun little extra we've developed! Over time, the two of us got the idea to riff on a bad movie like the classic Mystery Science Theater 3000! And so, enjoy as the Seven Mortal Sins alongside Salem and Maria riff on the infamous live-action Cat in the Hat.
Before you ask, no this is not connected to the action in the main story.
Narrator: There are gajillions of stories of mischief and fun. But to keep things simple, let's just start with one. About a mom and two kids and a house and a hat. That, oddly enough, was worn by a cat. But soon enough we will get to all that.
Lucifer: Huh, rhyming narration? If the whole movie is like this, that'd be pretty impressive!
Mammon: (Nervously shifts around in her seat, grumbling under her breath)
Narrator: So, our story begins at the corner of Main and Montroob. In the spotless real estate office run by Hank Humberfloob.
Belphegor: Funny, that was the name of a vodka brand I once tried…
Beelzebub: What did it taste like?
Belphegor: Old whipped cream and regret, mostly. That name's a bad omen.
Mr. Humberfloob: First I'd like to welcome aboard our newest member of the Humberfloob family, Jim McFinnigan!
Jim McFinnigan: Mr. Humberfloob, (Shakes Mr. Humberfloob's hand) I wanted to thank you...
(The room gasps)
Mr. Humberfloob: Fired.
Jim McFinnigan: I beg your pardon?
Mr. Humberfloob: Fired.
Jim McFinnigan: B-But I...
Mr. Humberfloob: FIRRRRRRRRE-duh!
Leviathan: Well, sure hope THAT doesn't get annoying!
Maria: I'm sure that's a one-off thing…
Mr. Humberfloob: Ah, yes. Your children. Joan, let me make this perfectly clear. If your house is messy as last time... YOU'RE FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE-DUH!
Maria: (Herself sounding annoyed, rubbing her temples) Okay, I've been wrong before.
Salem: Sounds like my old boss from a McDonald's when he caught someone taking hits off his wine coolers.
Joan Walden: Humberfloob Real Estate. How can we make your dreams come true?
Lucifer: Kick that asshole in the dick, quit this nuthouse and spend the rest of the movie trying to find a different job.
Mammon: But kids wouldn't watch that…
Satan: Maybe, but it wouldn't be giving me a migraine right now.
Narrator: If you leave Humberfloob's and turn left onto Main. Three miles down you'll find Lipplapper Lane. A pleasant enough street in a pleasant-enough way. Where a neighbor greeted neighbor with a neighborly "Hey!"
Salem: Um, Mammon, why did the rhyming stop until the narrator came back?
Mammon: I do not know, dear. I only helped produce this, not draft the script.
Asmodeus: You didn't think someone would notice that a film based on the works of a beloved children's author whose rhyming is iconic would be lacking his most distinct narrative trait? How stupid do you think children, or even the general viewing public, are to miss such a blatant omission of his signature prose?
(All of the other viewers turn to face Asmodeus in shock. She looks back and forth indignantly before huffing in anger.)
Asmodeus: What?! I can appreciate literature that isn't porn! Stop looking at me like that!
Sally: Today's to-do list. Number one: make to-do list. Number two: Practice coloring. Number three: Research graduate schools. Number four: Be spontaneous.
Satan: Wow, five minutes in and the first half-decent joke. They didn't bother with a second draft, did they?
Sally: Number five: Create lasting childhood memories. And number six: Amend will. (Conrad starts making a mess in the kitchen. Sally looks over.) What is he doing?
(Conrad proceeds to dump cookies and rummage through junk drawer as Sally rolls her eyes.)
Lucifer: Something tells me that was how the parents were acting at the test screening.
Conrad: Ladies and gentlemen! Nevins, your attention please. You are about to witness the third most spectacular stunt ever performed under this roof!
Sally: You know how hard it's getting to tell people we're related?
Salem: Was that actually in the script or was that the actress improvising?
Levi: I'd say either, but man is this movie getting more annoying by the minute. What's with all this over-the-top yelling? First the boss, and now this kid? Did these people chug 10 cups of coffee before filming?
Asmodeus: Plus, the Disney Channel approved "Siblings with polar opposite personalities that don't get along" cliche that'll be resolved by the end.
Conrad: And now, for the indoor stair luge!
Sally: Indoor stair luge? I'll have to add this one to my list.
Lucifer: Only a minute in and I already hate these kids.
Satan: I really don't want to blame the actors who probably got shoved into this… I mean, how bad can they be?
(Conrad shoves a loaf of bread into his pants and proceeds to eat from it.)
(The viewers are left bug eyed and revolted, especially Beelzebub who has to loudly swallow a mouthful of vomit…)
Satan: (Shaking with rage in her seat) Whoever wrote that into the script needs to be turned in to the FBI.
Beelzebub: THAT'S your problem with this?! What kind of little turd treats food like that?! I- I gotta go! (She rushes offscreen before noisily upchucking into a toilet.)
Satan: I'll go check on her. (Gets up to do just that)
Joan Walden: Oh, really? And how, exactly, was it Sally's fault?
Conrad: Give me a minute. I'm working on it.
Maria: (Snickers, the others turning to her in surprise.) What? It was kind of funny…
Mammon: Thank you, dearie! I told you all this movie wasn't all bad!
Lucifer: Two chuckles after about ten minutes. You couldn't have just hired Dane Cook to do stand-up? Would've been much cheaper, too.
Sally: I tried to tell him, Mom. "Mom's throwing a very important party". I said, "All of her important clients will be here." But he went right ahead and wrecked the house and let Nevins get away.
Belphegor: (In monotone) You can tell just how upset I am. I almost moved an eyebrow.
Sally: Now, again, I hope you're going to ground him.
Joan: Yes Sally, for a week, but that's none of your business. (Sally grins)
Conrad: A week? Come on. Two days.
Leviathan: Spoken like someone who's gonna be making a LOT of courtroom visits…
Joan: I asked you to do one thing today, Conrad: Keep the house clean. You know how frustrating it is that you're doing the exact opposite of what I say?
Levi: Gee, I wonder if that's going to come back later and Conrad learns his lesson?
Belphegor: So that's why the town is named Anville: it's foreshadowing how bad the foreshadowing is.
(Satan and Beelzebub return to their seats)
Lucifer: So, Satan? Still willing to give these charming kids a pass?
Satan: The children are the victims of corrupt desires in this horror film… But they could seriously use a spanking.
Larry Quinn: Knock, knock, knock. Someone lose a dog? I found him next door in my yard again.
Salem: Oh wow, someone actually entertaining! Praise the sun!
Joan Walden: You are a saint.
Larry Quinn: And here I thought you were only dating me for my good looks.
Asmodeus: Show of hands – Who wants the rest of the film to be about these two?
(All nine raise their hands, even Mammon who hurriedly puts hers down before anyone can notice)
Lucifer: Let it show on the record: a financier of this movie thinks it's shit.
Mammon: Don't tempt me, fearless leader! You may be an immortal fallen angel, but I have the power of CAPITALISM!
Lucifer: Oh really? Good. I just looooove a challenge. (Chuckles to herself as Mammon squeaks in fear)
Larry Quinn: It was my pleasure, Sally. Anything for my little princess.
Sally: Oh, I don't wanna be a princess. In a constitutional monarchy, parliament has all the real power.
Beelzebub: Insert Knuckles' speech on feminism from the Sonic Boom show, please.
Larry Quinn: Have you given some thought about the Wilhelm Academy?
Joan Walden: You mean the Colonel Wilhelm Military Academy for Troubled Youth?
Larry Quinn: That's the one, Joan.
Joan Walden: I'm not sure it's right for Conrad.
Salem: As a man with no parenting experience, I humbly disagree. The little ragamuffin has proven he has no discipline or respect for anything so maybe some rucking through the desert would do him some good.
Mammon: Note to self – never let you babysit.
Salem: (Aghast) What, you mean you were considering it BEFORE?! WHY?!
Leviathan: Can't you afford a full-time nanny? Like, a thousand of them?! What's your excuse, Nips McHooters?
Mammon: (In singsong) Some-body's jealoooous~!
Larry Quinn: Oh, Joan, Joan. Joan, Joan, Joan. I have so much respect for you, Joan. Single mother, careerwoman, raising two children on your own, and still finding time to be the best darned real estate agent in town.
Lucifer: Great. Now I need some water to choke down all this exposition!
Conrad: I heard what you said. I'm not going to military school, Larry.
Larry Quinn: Look, buddy, I know I'm not your dad and this is probably really strange for your neighbor's dating your mom.
Beelzebub: Maybe take off the grape jelly suit, although it REALLY does wonders for you!
Larry Quinn: I don't like you either. But I'm gonna marry your mom.
Lucifer: And then I'm gonna help her make a dent in her headboard!
Mammon: Oi! Kid's movie!
Asmodeus: You sure you want to stand there, hon? I don't think that's a good hill to die on…
Larry Quinn: And one more thing... It's Lawrence, you snot-nosed son of a (Suddenly picks him up) wonderful woman who I'm absolutely crazy about!
Joan Walden: Gosh, I love children!
Maria: Those two things don't go together…
(The doorbell rings, revealing an apron-wearing man with several boxes on a dolly.)
Kate the Caterer: Kate's Catering. I'm here to do your party tonight.
Joan Walden: Oh, hi. Where's Kate?
Kate the Caterer: I'm Kate.
Joan Walden: Oh. Okay. Right this way, Kate.
Beelzebub: Huh, I expected that get VERY tasteless…
Maria: Because this was made in the mid-2000's?
Asmodeus: No, hon, because this movie has all the finesse of gas-station sushi left under a heat lamp.
Sally: What's going on, Mommy?
Joan Walden: Mommy has to go back to the office. Oh! I hope Mrs. Kwan can babysit.
Conrad: Not Mrs. Kwan!
Salem: Oh, God no, I'm actually agreeing with this goober! Not Mrs. Kwan!
Maria: What? What's happening?
Leviathan: Should we cover her eyes? She's not ready for something like this.
Satan: I recommend fast-forwarding, ASAP.
Maria: Guys, I'm not some little kid! I can handle a bad joke!
(The doorbell rings. Mrs. Kwan, a short, pudgy Asian women with yellowish-tan skin, an obvious bright purple wig, oversized lips painted in garish red lipstick, a bright blue tracksuit and thick-lensed round glasses on her face, enters.)
Joan Walden: Oh! Hi, Mrs. Kwan.
Mrs. Kwan:(Spoken in broken Engrish) Hi.
Joan: Im running late thanks for babysitting on short notice.
Mrs. Kwan: Mmm yeah.
Maria: (After several moments of tense silence, speaks coldly) Mammon, what year was this released?
Mammon: (Nervously) Umm… 2003?
Maria: (Now rightfully pissed) Okay then. Now, please explain to me, a Japanese girl, why this was a good idea?
Mammon: (Visibly sweating) Can I just say, for no particular reason, that I was not involved in writing this script?
Lucifer: You already used that excuse. Now answer Maria's question!
Mammon: W-Well, um, you see, it was…
Leviathan: A fucking terrible idea that's not even remotely funny?
Belphegor: That's just the movie in general, though.
Joan Walden: Right. Well, if you're both staying, remember the rules. Conrad: No playing ball in the house, no fighting, no answering the phone, "City morgue."
Satan: (Holding up her axe) I can fix that for you…
Conrad: Or else what? You're gonna do what Larry said and send me to military school?
Joan Walden: Maybe if you'd just behave, I wouldn't have to consider military school. I wish I could trust you.
Conrad: I wish I had a different mom.
Salem: Wow, fuck you too you little shit-stain.
Joan Walden: Well, sometimes I wish the same thing.
Lucifer: Mother of the Year, people…
Mammon: Hey, she almost goes back! That's some sign that she regrets her decision, right?
Maria: (Seething in anger) I still want an answer out of you…
Mrs. Kwan: Children, would you like to watch television with me? We don't have to tell your mother.
(All three then watch the TV showing a Chinese congressional hearing. One of the suited men is being beaten on the floor, generic 'hi-yah' noises alongside garbled Mandarin play over top the violence.)
Conrad and Sally: Taiwanese parliament.
Mrs. Kwan: You tell them, Kwi-Chang! No more big government!
(The screen suddenly pauses, Maria now glaring daggers at Mammon. The demon looks to the others only to find more looks of disgust, disappointment, or shame.)
Maria: (Still glaring at Mammon) Lucifer?
Lucifer: Yes?
Maria: What happens to someone racist when they die and go to Hell?
Lucifer: Depends on the degree. The worst of the bunch end up in an ironic dystopia based around whatever they couldn't stand in real life.
Maria: In case of someone who hates Asian people?
Satan: (With a smug grin) Stuck imprisoned in Manzanar, constantly strung out on opium and forced to drink tea so hot it boils their throat.
Salem: Daaaaaamn, you don't mess around!
Asmodeus: We're professionals, kid. Deal with garbage long enough and you learn how to best dispose of it.
Mammon: Alright, I'm sorry! I didn't cast this thing, or write it, or direct it! It sounded like easy money, so I threw my hat in! Why do you think I invented the name "Alan Smithee?!"
Maria: We're going to have a nice, long talk when this movie is over…
Narrator: So, they slumped in their chairs too glum to complain and to make matters worse, it started to rain.
Beelzebub: Can we just let him narrate the whole film, please? He's and Larry are the only ones who haven't annoyed me yet.
Narrator: They sat in the house on that cold, cold, wet day with no fun to have and no games to play. They could just stare out the window or perhaps get a nap in, and hope that something, anything, might happen.
Salem: I think even he's telling us to change the channel…
Narrator: Then something went bump.
Sally: What was that?
Narrator: How that bump made them jump.
Conrad: I think it came from the closet.
Lucifer: Except he came in through the door… You seriously can't follow the plot of a children's picture book?!
Salem: Also, what's with this setup? Why are we suddenly in a cheap horror movie?
Belphegor: Trust me, you'll see in a minute. I have my sake on standby.
Conrad: You should've seen the look on your face, it's like you saw a monster-
Cat: A monster? Where?
(Conrad and Sally scream and flee in terror)
Cat: That could've gone better. (Wheezes and ducks off camera)
Satan: What?!
Lucifer: The?!
Levi: Fuck is that?!
(Salem leaps into an equally terrified Maria's arms)
Belphegor: THATS THE CAT?!
Sally: (As she and Conrad hide in the closet) What was that?
Conrad: I don't know. Looked like a humongous cat.
(The light switches on to reveal Cat behind them)
Salem: Holy shit, he has my warping abilities! Run, kids!
Belphegor: And I've seen better cat getups at knock-off furry conventions! That's more like a feline skunk hybrid in bad mime make-up! I resemble a cat better than this guy!
Levi: You've got a furry following of your own, don't you?
Belphegor: (chuckles) How'd you know about my OnlyFans page?
Cat: You know, I like this hiding place a lot better. They'll never find us here… Scream and run. (Conrad and Sally proceed to do that)
Lucifer: Hey, Mammon, how did your kids like this movie? You obviously let them test to see if this THING might frighten them, right?!
(Mammon sinks into her chair, out of sight and whimpering)
Cat: Who me? Why, I'm the Cat in the Hat! There's no doubt about that.
Satan: I'd sooner believe that talking cat puppet from Sabrina the Teenage Witch.
Beelzebub: Aww, I love that show too!
Cat: I'm a super fundiferous feline, who's here to make sure that you're... meline? Key-lime? Turpentine…? I got nothing. I'm not so good with the rhyming not really, no.
(Everyone, including Mammon, facepalms in unison)
Lucifer: It's "that you are fine," you abominable idiot!
Asmodeus: Oh, great. Why stop at casually ignoring Seuss's iconic rhyming? Be cheeky bastards and acknowledge that you're being lazy and ruining a master writer's work! I hope Mrs. Seuss walked out at this point!
Sally: Where did you come from?
Cat: How do I put this? When a mommy cat and a daddy cat love each other very much, they decide that...
Maria: Don't you dare go there…
Asmodeus: Honey, you want anything for later? Another drink? Some popcorn? A doggie bag?
Sally: Sorry, Mr. Cat, would you like some milk?
Cat: Milk? Blech! No! Lactose intolerant, gums up the works.
Belphegor: Wow, they actually did some research to make a joke work. It's like one guy wanted some actual effort in here.
Cat: Homina, homina, homina.
Salem: Table for homina?
Cat: Who is this? (Picks up picture of Joan. Let's out a moan as he pulls down the photo to reveal a centerfold, his hat suddenly springs up.)
Conrad: That's my mom.
Cat: (The hat quickly returns to normal) Awkward, yeah.
Maria: (Trembling in her seat) Did the Cat just... get an erection?
Asmodeus: Yes, yes, he did. Hey, Mammon, what was that about this being a kid's movie again?
Mammon: But innuendos in kids movies are still popular!
Lucifer: Yes, when paired with this thing called "quality writing."
Cat: Let me get this straight. You pay this women to sit on babies? That's disgusting! I'd do it for nothing!
Satan: Do it and you're getting neutered with a soldering iron.
Salem: (chuckles) Oh sure, now have good delivery…
Sally: "Phunometer"?
Cat: Yeah. It measures how fun you are.
Levi: (Doing an intentionally bad Mike Meyers impression) "For example, if I used this on myself, this device would suck itself into a black hole of misery!"
(Cat uses the Phunometer on Sally and sees it land on Serial Arsonist)
Levi: Wrong kid, that's definitely Conrad.
Cat: You're a control freak, and you're a rule-breaker. That'll be $700. Who's your insurance carrier?
Lucifer: What, no Allstate plug?
Mammon: Funny story, we called them up but they said no to this…
Lucifer: I WAS BEING SARCASTIC!
Cat: Well, there are two treatments I'd recommend. One is a series of painful shots injected into your abdomen and kneecap. And the other involves a musical number!
Sally: How many shots?
Beelzebub: (Laughs) Hey, this girl is smart!
Stop this right now!
Conrad: Who said that?
(The camera pans to show a bug-eyed talking goldfish) Me! Remember? The fish? Came home in a baggie, loved me for two weeks, and then nothing!
Salem: Oh gosh, a character with funny lines! Can he please be the focus from now on?!
Maria: Also, didn't they show that fishbowl earlier with a normal fish in it?
Belphegor: Who cares, at least his shiny CG looks better than Pepe Le Puke!
Sally: The fish is talking!
Cat: Well, sure, he can talk. But is he saying anything? No, not really. No.
Fish: Hey, Socks, can it! This cat should not be here. He should not be about. He should not be here when your mother is out.
Lucifer: Wow, and he can actually rhyme! I'm with Salem now, let's here this fish's entire life story!
Cat: Come on, kids. You gonna listen to him? He drinks where he pees.
Satan: And you shit in a box and lick your ass. Casting stones from a glass house is a bad idea.
(The lights suddenly cut off, revealing the Cat is suddenly wearing a flamenco skirt, an oversized fruit hat… And two watermelon halves on his chest)
Salem: (Shrieks in horror) Another image I never needed to see! Belphegor, where's the booze?!
Belphegor: Get your own, you freeloader! I need a buzz ASAP! (She proceeds to guzzle the entire bottle)
Mammon: (sighs in defeat) Gods, what was I thinking when I signed onto this?
Satan: That Jim Carrey's Grinch movie made easy money and this would deliver a quick paycheck?
Mammon: At least my next movie investment turned out better.
Beelzebub: Which one was that?
Mammon: The Incredibles.
Salem: All is forgiven.
Everyone except Salem and Mammon: Agreed.
Levi: Um, guys? I think we've missed a chunk of the movie.
Cat: (His stomach rumbles as he balances on a ball in the middle of the song number before drinking milk and bloating) I knew that milk would come back to haunt me.
Levi: Never mind! Somebody skip this part!
Fish: Bravo, Cat. These children are smart enough not to fall for your MTV-style flash at the expense of content and moral values.
Salem: (Overjoyed) Praise our savior! Deliverer of truth! Please expound more of your provident wisdom, O shiny one!
Conrad: No, don't go.
Cat: No, I should go. I should let you and the fish have all your fun conjugating verbs, cleaning your room, doing long division.
Asmodeus: Sold! I'd listen to him read Twilight!
Cat: But if I'm gonna stay, there's something I wanna show you. Something magical and full of wonder. It's called a contract.
Mammon: (Finally resigned) Now that's a load of bullshit if I've ever heard one.
Conrad: Come on, Sal, for once in your life try something spontaneous.
Sally: It goes against my better instincts, but... Fine.
Satan: Her eyes look so dead. It's like she's finally realized what a mistake this all was…
Sally: Mom says we're not allowed in the living room today, or else.
Conrad: She's worried we'll mess up the couches by jumping on 'em or something.
Beelzebub: Uh, I've heard of kids jumping on beds but not couches before… Unless they're, like, four.
Lucifer: Wow, Tom Cruise was more mature than I thought back then…
Cat: You can't jump on these. Not like this. They need some adjustment. (Puts on a trucker hat and is suddenly wearing coveralls, and now speaking in a Southern accent) Let's take a look under the hood.
Mammon: Great, let's throw cultural stereotypes in here too. Piss off more of the prospective audience, you idiots!
Salem: What happened to "this movie isn't all bad?"
Mammon: I only threw money at it! I wasn't even at the premiere once I saw the reviews come out!
Levi: Spoken like a true soulless Hollywood hack!
Conrad: (As he and the Cat are now bouncing off the couch cushions like trampolines) She'll never do it. She doesn't know how to have fun.
Fish: Fun? Sally, you're better than fun. Fun is beneath you. Remember what your mother told you. 'No one sets foot in the living room.' You know what? Let's just watch some flashbacks.
Joan: (in flashback) Absolutely no one sets foot in the living room, or else.
Belphegor: Holy crap, that fish really is all-powerful! If he can make images like that appear, how come he can't just throw the cat out with the Force or something?!
Conrad: (With all three of them now bouncing) This is amazing!
Sally: Like being in the circus!
Cat: Yeah, but without those tortured animals or drunken clowns that have hepatitis.
Satan: (Really confused) Hahaha, commentary?
Lawrence: (Opens the door to find Conrad and Sally bouncing as the Cat disappears from view.) Judas Priest. I can't believe what I'm seeing!
Asmodeus: Ooh, he even has good taste in music! Now he has to stick around!
Sally: Mr. Quinn, I was just telling Conrad to get off the couch. Bad, Conrad. Bad.
Lawrence: Sally, baby, angel, princess, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, okay? (Yells in her face) Nobody likes a suck-up!
Salem: I don't even care that he's secretly a jerk, I'd still rather watch him than the rest of this!
Lawrence: (Walks through with several items stolen from the kitchen). Good bread. What are you two looking at? (Suddenly sneezes) Is there a cat in here?
Beelzebub: (In a gruff man voice) Or worse, a demented Looney Toons cosplayer?! That's my one weakness!
Cat: Little known fact: Cats always land on their tushy.
Conrad: I thought they always landed on their feet.
Cat: Sure, now you tell me.
Belphegor: (Tries to suppress a chuckle) Must not show weakness…
Sally: I wanna make cupcakes.
Cat: Cupcakes? Oh, yeah! To the kitchen!
Lucifer: Unless Alton Brown shows up, the answer is NO.
(The kitchen is suddenly a stage show with spotlights and a single camera set up pointing at the main island) Live from the kitchen, the following is a paid commercial announcement for Astounding Products.
(The Cat, now with a blonde wig, an ugly argyle sweater, and glasses appears) Hi! Welcome to Astounding Products. I'm your host, the guy in the sweater who asks all the obvious questions.
Levi: Hey, why are we suddenly getting clever writing? I was promised a load of dreck!
Host Cat: Now, here to tell us about his astounding product for making cupcakes, all the way from Cheshire, England, please welcome...
Normal Cat: (Talking in a British accent now) Me! Hello! Now... Hello! I'm so excited!
Salem: Something tells me this is the only scene he enjoyed filming…
Normal Cat: Well, forget everything you know about making cupcakes, and say hello to the amazing Kupkake-inator.
Mammon: Brought to you by Doofenschmirtz Evil, Inc.
Normal Cat: This amazing device can instantly make cupcakes out of anything that you have in the kitchen.
Host Cat: Wait a minute. Did you say "anything"?
Normal Cat: Anything.
Host Cat: Anything?
Normal Cat: Yes, anything.
Host Cat: Anything?
Normal Cat: Anything.
Host Cat: Anything?
Normal Cat: (Whips out a cleaver) I'll get you, and it'll look like a bloody accident.
(All nine of them burst out laughing at that before winding down)
Maria: Okay, finally, this movie is actually funny!
Asmodeus: Enjoy it while it lasts, sweetheart, I know I am!
Host Cat: How about... I know what you're thinking. Even a fire extinguisher. There we go.
(Beelzebub's eye twitches at that)
Normal Cat: Now, close the lid and Bob's your flipping uncle.
Salem: Somebody give him all our wonga!
Normal Cat: Delicious cupcakes are just minutes away.
Host Cat: Did you just say "minutes away"? That's impossible!
Normal Cat: You're not just wrong, you're stupid.
Host Cat: Now, wait just a minute.
Normal Cat: And you're ugly, just like your mum.
(Another round of laughs, followed by Belphegor pulling out bottles of vodka and passing them around to everyone save Maria.)
Salem: Um, what are these for?
Belphegor: When the good scene is over. Trust me, we're gonna need these. Don't worry, Mammon has an anti-hangover potion for us later.
(Normal Cat chops off his tail with a meat cleaver)
Sally: Um, Cat, your tail?
Normal Cat: What about it? Oh, I see I chopped it off, well that's interesting because… SON OF A BI-
(Cue an extended censor bleep as the children cover their ears, Host Cat cancels the broadcast and the classic poster of cat dangling with the caption "Hang in there, baby!" is seen.)
(The viewers are shocked silent for a moment before they all burst out laughing. Except for Satan…)
Satan: Ooh, a real kitten! I forgot they're supposed to be adorable!
(The others all stop and pause at her, the demoness shrugging, before a second wave of laughter hits.)
Belphegor: And that ends the "good" portion of the film, folks. We now return to your regularly scheduled shit.
(The over door flies open, purple slime "cupcakes" splattering all over the wall and Nevins the dog)
Cat: Yep! They're done!
Conrad: Oh man!
Cat: There's nothing to worry about. I'm sure they still taste fine. (Licks some off of his finger) Blech! They're horrible!
Beelzebub: It's almost like adding hot dogs and fire extinguishers to cupcakes is a bad idea.
Salem: Looks like the director wanted to add a little culture. That purple splatter looks like a Jackson Pollock painting.
(Almost everyone else groans at his comment, save for Asmodeus popping over to bump his fist)
Cat: (Holds up Joan's dress, now splattered purple, in front of himself) Look, I'm a girl.
Lucifer: Umm, transphobic, I guess? Nowhere where near as tasteless as Mrs. Kwan but still.
Sally: STOP! That's...
Both: MOM'S! DRESS!
Cat: This filthy thing?
Belphegor: You could do with some fashion advice, bucko! I've seen better looking hats in TF2!
Sally: She was gonna wear that tonight, and you ruined it.
Cat: Honey, it was ruined when she bought it. (Proceeds to snap his fingers and bob his head to the side) Yeah.
Lucifer: You know, whenever I start to have faith in humanity, I'll just remember this scene to remind myself that all is lost.
Salem: Um, you do know you're basically ripping off the Nostalgia Critic, right?
Lucifer: Can you honestly blame me?
Everyone else: Fair point.
Fish: I told you all this would happen, but no one listens to a fish! A dog goes woof-woof and everyone knows Timmy's trapped under a log but a fish speaks in plain English!
Levi: Someone give him a mic to drop! This fish is dropping straight facts!
Cat: All right, everyone, let's just take a deep breath and calm down.
Belphegor: Kind of hard to do when you still look like a rejected FNAF monster, dude.
Cat: In this box are two Things. I will show them to you. Two Things, and I call them Thing One and Thing Two. These Things will not bite you. They want to have fun.
Mammon: I've seen pitches for novelty condoms that looked more appealing.
Maria: (Squicked out) I'm sorry, did you just say…?
Asmodeus: No, no, honey, just forget she said that. You're not ready.
Cat: So, without further ado, meet Thing Two and Thing One! (From a blur of CGI comes two gremlins with blue shocks of hair, faces with no upper lips grinning madly at the camera, wearing red bodysuits, the one on the left reading "Thing 1" and the right saying "Thing 2."
Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
(Mammon, Levi, and Belphegor all start chugging their liquor while Salem and Beelzebub run out of the room in horror.)
Satan: Dear God, that is just wrong! I wrangle damned souls and I think that's disturbing!
Lucifer: Oh sure, make those look just like the pictures! Who oversaw those, the make-up guys from Saw?!
Maria: I can never look at the book ever again!
Asmodeus: So, Mammon…
(Looks over to see she is loudly draining the bottle, offering all the point the lustful demon needs. Salem and Beelzebub shortly return, limping to their seats)
Salem: Mammon, you're gonna have to tip whoever cleans the bathroom here really well. We might have sullied several toilets.
Beelzebub: (Sobbing) Is the film over yet?
Lucifer: We're barely at the halfway point. (She brings her own vodka up to her lips and takes a swig, joined by everyone else except for Maria who just shivers in her seat.)
Cat: Thing Two would like to clarify that just because he wears the number two does not imply in any way that he's inferior to Thing One.
Mammon: That's fair. You both look like turds and piss.
Cat: He says you may feel free to call him Thing "A," if you like. He will also accept Super Thing, Thing King, Kid Dynamite, Chocolate Thun-Da or Ben.
Salem: (Thoroughly sloshed already) Oi, Ben! I think you're Omni-trick is busted! You're stuck between alien forms!
Cat: (Sees Conrad trying to pick the lock on the crate) Listen, Convex, you probably don't want to do that.
Conrad: Why not? It's just a crate.
Cat: This isn't just any old crate. It's the Trans Dimensional TransPortalator. It's kinda like a doorway which leads from this world to my world.
Asmodeus: Which world is that? The one from Coraline?
Conrad: But it says made in The Philippines.
Cat: Yes, but not this Philippines.
Maria: Is there part of the joke I'm missing?
Levi: The Philippines is known for making reality-warping boxes? Eh, I'll look for one next time I go there.
Salem: (After retching up all of the alcohol) Plus, now we know he's not a cat. He's canonically a dimension jumping alien with fur.
Cat: No opening the crate, no lookie no touchy. Got it?
Lucifer: "Here, Mr. Serial Arsonist, I'm going to give you a fresh book of matches as a present for being good! Now, make sure to keep this away from my gasoline can collection or my stock of fireworks!" What could possibly go wrong?
Satan: Burning all copies of this movie sounds like a good idea right now.
Mammon: Sadly, there's this thing called the internet. You aren't wiping it off of that.
Belphegor: If only George Lucas knew that…
(The Things shake all of the goop of the dress… And onto the couch in the living room they were jumping on.)
Conrad: What about the couch?
Cat: Which couch? The clean one, or the horribly stained one?
Maria: Which one do you think, Sherlock?
Mammon: Sweetie, since when are you sarcastic?
Maria: When you suggested we watch this! And I still want an apology for Mrs. Kwan later!
Sally: Cat! They're wrecking the whole house!
Asmodeus: Wow, these little hellspawn are really efficient! I wonder if we could train our gremlins to work that fast?
Salem: Are sleep paralysis demons real?
Satan: Yes, but we only use them for very special cases. Most of the time they just go around frightening people in the middle of the night for fun. Unpredictable little bastards…
(The Things slide down the stairs on a still sleeping Mrs. Kwan, her head smacking against each step)
Thing 1: Ride 'em cowboy!
Mammon: Unholy hell! That poor woman!
Maria: (giving a side glare) Haha. Look at that poor woman. I sincerely hope she doesn't get her neck broken.
Lucifer: Okay, what monster possessed you to make you this sassy? Because I like it.
Maria: It comes with a territory.
Mammon: (Sigh) Maria, what will it take to make this better?
Maria: Don't buy my forgiveness!
Cat: If this were my house, I'd be furious.
Belphegor: Bold writing choice. Make your character not funny, horrifying AND unlikeable.
Cat: I don't know if this helps, but the Things always do the opposite of what you say.
Conrad: Why do they always do the opposite? That's so annoying!
Sally: Remind you of anyone, Conrad?
Leviathan: (Begins laughing hysterically, falling over in her seat)
Satan: Um, what's happening? Did someone spike our drinks again?
Asmodeus: That was one time! Jeez, you mix up your special lube with the punch…
Leviathan: No, no, sorry… I just think it's funny that these assholes think this is clever!
Mammon: Admitting your plotlines are lazy doesn't make it better. Believe me, I tried…
Sally: (Seeing one of the Things using Nevins as a football) Hey, Thing, don't let go of that dog!
Thing: Let go!
Conrad: Catch him. I mean, don't catch him! (Nevins is thrown out an open window and runs out onto the street)
Mammon: Hah! The old "exact words" catch. I never get tired of seeing it…
Salem: How many law firms do you own again?
Mammon: Seventeen. Why do you ask?
Cat: Sally, Kojak, that's nothing compared to what's gonna happen if we don't lock this crate. Take a look. It's already leaking. (Shows badly rendered CGI bubbles escaping)
Beelzebub: Look out! It's Purple Flurp!
Lucifer: I'd rather deal with the living pants army or a kaiju chicken than keep watching this…
Conrad: We've gotta go out and find Nevins.
Fish: Impossible! Sally! There's only four hours till the party.
Leviathan: Oi, Fish, you can clearly break the fourth wall! Just admit that this all a dream or some shit and we can stop!
Belphegor: Hon, this is very obviously a nightmare. I've smoked everything from spiked oregano to Micronesian mushrooms and I couldn't dream this up!
Sally: We're staying and calling Mom.
Conrad: We're going and getting the dog.
Cat: There is a third option.
Sally: There is?
Cat: Yes. It involves... murder.
Salem: I friggin' knew it! This is a horror movie! The cat can teleport, jump through dimensions seemingly at will, alter the fabric of reality, has hellraising hench-things that destroy everything around them, and even has a brigade of lawyers behind him to exonerate his crimes! Even Freddy Kreuger doesn't go that far!
Satan: (Dead serious) Truly, a monster worse than anything in depths of Hell. I will prepare the armies in case of his invasion…
Leviathan: Wait, we have armies? Since when?! I want one!
Conrad: That's your option?
Cat: No. But you guys both had options. I just wanted to have one, too. (Gets the crazy eyes again) Or did I?
Sally: Cat, you're not helping!
Lucifer: You just figured that out now?! What happened to you being the smart one?!
Cat: Come on. Let's go get that dog. Now, we just need a heavy, inanimate object to weigh down this crate.
Cat: (Lays a still sleeping Mrs. Kwan over the top) There. That ought to buy us some time.
Maria: Oh, sure, insist she's fat too! Why not through body shaming on top of all of this?!
Mammon: (Rubbing her temples) Note to self: Prepare some gift baskets for the next screening…
(The scene changes to a disgusting living room. Lawrence strips off his suit to reveal an unshaven face, messy hair, a stained wife beater with a beer belly bulging out of the bottom.)
Salem: Eh, still looks better than the cat.
Lucifer: Hey, Belphegor! I think he's a follower of yours!
Belphegor: Ha. Ha. Haaaaa… I'll have you know I at least keep up my hygiene…
Satan: Most of the time…
(He flops onto a couch and watches TV, nursing a beer in one hand and picking his belly button with the other)
Asmodeus: Eugh, can he please put the suit back on? This is seriously gonna make it hard to write fanfic about him later.
Beelzebub: Since when do you do that?
Asmodeus: What?! I'm allowed to have hobbies that don't involve banging!
(Two guys in suits enter through the front door, Lawrence doesn't move.)
Lawrence: What do you want now?
Uniformed Guy: Repo.
Lawrence: You're repossessing my TV? I'm sure I made a payment. If it's about that bounced check, let me give you a credit card. (Flips through his wallet) That one's expired.
Salem: Haha! Even now, he's still funny! Now I wanna know if he wants Joan for her stable income or if it's just sex appeal.
Mammon: And this makes the movie yet another love story that is better than Twilight.
Lawrence: Hi, Joan. The kids let the dog out again.
Joan: You're kidding.
Lawrence: Don't worry. I'll go get him, then we'll have a conversation vis-á-vis military school.
Conrad: I don't know. Conrad's like you, Lawrence. He's very sensitive.
Lucifer: Wow, lady. You are a terrible mom. Your son is about as sensitive as a sledgehammer between the legs.
Fish: What will become of us? Your mother will lose her job, and we'll have to live on the street. I can't! Don't make me go... I don't know this world! It's dry! It's like... I can't... It's too...
Conrad: Fish!
Fish: It's too much!
Cat: Would you like to go back in the toilet?
Fish: (Suddenly chipper) On second thought, it's such a beautiful day. Why spend it indoors?
Salem: Whoever voiced him deserves the royalties for the Kupcake-inator.
Cat: Okay, kids. Get out of my way. This fence is no match for my cat-like grace and reflexes. (Proceeds to get stuck and needs Conrad and Sally to push him up.)
Asmodeus: Wow, Belphie, I am sorry I compared you to him. You're not that much of a lazy slob.
Belphegor: Thank you!
Maria: That still wasn't very nice…
Cat: Here we go. Okay. Watch me fly, kids. I don't think the little girl's even trying.
Sally: What about your cat-like reflexes?
Cat: What about showing a little effort, shrimp boat?
Satan: (Yelling in anger) I will disembowel you and turn your organs into sausage to feed to Charon, you sleazebag!
Salem: Wait, hold on, you know the ferryman to the Styx?! Awesome! Can I meet him, pretty please?
Mammon: Um, dear, I don't think that's a good idea…
(The Cat is launched over the fence, standing up holding a gardening hoe he fell onto. Nevins runs off at the noise.)
Conrad: Cat, you scared him away.
Cat: (Glares at the tool) Dirty hoe!
Leviathan: Somebody hose this thing's mouth down! The parent groups are gonna be in a shitstorm at this rate!
(The kids pass by a house where a birthday party Sally mentioned earlier is going on)
Sally: Denise? Everyone I know is there. There's Ginny and Alan. How come Denise didn't invite me to her birthday?
Mammon: Why? If you're such a strong independent girl, why care about something vapid like a birthday party?
Lucifer: Shoddy character, mostly. Consistency is for losers who "care" about their work!
(Cut to the kids of the party running outside to hit a pinata)
Conrad: Cat, get down! They're gonna see you! Hide!
(The camera pans up to reveal the cat as tied himself up at the pinata, as the kids run up holding plastic wiffle bats)
Lucifer: Ah so they finally hanged him, that's nice.
Asmodeus: Oh, hell yes! Finally, something to look forward to!
Satan: Go between the eyes! No, the spine! Cripple him before he can cause more mayhem!
Conrad: This cannot end well.
Salem: Said only you, dumbass. I thought you didn't like him anymore!
(One of the kids nails the Cat right between the legs. The Cat screams in agony before the scene suddenly changes to the Cat, wearing a dress and bonnet, on a tree swing. The song "Feels Like Sunday Morning" plays as the Cat swings with a unicorn braying in the background while snow falls)
Leviathan: Okay, that does it. Someone slipped the writers drugs. I don't know what or how much, but I guarantee you they did it!
Mammon: I'm just trying to figure out the unicorn. At this point, you could tell me it snuck in here from Equestria and I'd buy it.
Salem: Oi, don't bring that in! Even Pinkie Pie would take one look at this madness and run away!
(Back at the house, Mrs. Kwan falls off the crate)
Mrs. Kwan: I'd love to buy some.
Belphegor: She's talking about tickets to Return of the King.
Mammon: (Starts sobbing in her seat)
Joan: Hello, Mrs. Kwan. It's Joan Walden. I just called to check on the kids. Are they okay?
Mrs. Kwan: Those aren't children. They're little angels.
(Cut to Thing 1 and Thing 2 dressed like Sally and Conrad)
Mammon: Correction. Those are little hellspawn.
Lucifer: If angels looked like that and we revealed ourselves to humans, Christianity would've been doomed ages ago.
Conrad: Can we please get the dog?
Cat: (mocking Conrad) Can we please get the dog? Can we please get the dog?
Levi: We get it! Cats hate dogs! Mass hysteria! It's funny cuz the Cat's a douchebag! Start having a plot, damn it!
Conrad: We're dead. We're never gonna get that crate shut. And I'm getting shipped off to Colonel Von Kronk's School for Wayward Boys!
Lucifer: You say that last one like it's a bad thing.
Cat: Why don't we take my car?
Conrad: You have a car?
Cat: Yeah, sure.
(Cat rolls out a silver Hummer)
Mammon: Before you ask, no, Hummer wasn't a sponsor.
Salem: Though that wouldn't stop the Lorax movie from being tied in with a car that pollutes the environment they're claiming to save.
Mammon: The producers wanted some "eco-friendly" products and couldn't bother to check the car model.
Beelzebub: At least the food tie-ins were tasty.
Cat: Yeah, S.L.O.W. It's better than the last name we had. Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter.
Conrad: Oh, you mean-
Salem: Good night, everybody!
Lucifer: If the centerfold joke is where Seuss's wife left the screening, this is where she swore to never sign-off on live-action adaptations ever again.
Cat: Alright kids we're on a mission to get that dog, and we won't stop until we find it and destroy it.
Conrad: Rescue it!
Cat: Rescue it! Or course I meant to rescue it, whatever.
Satan: Bullshit! You've made it very clear this whole time you've wanted to kill the dog. Stop gaslighting these kids!
Beelzebub: (In dawning horror) Guys? Are dogs sentient in his world? You don't think that he…?
Salem: SERIAL! KILLER! WITH! LAWYERS! AND SPECIES-IST TOO!
(Cut to Lawrence's front yard, where Nevins pees on the man's lunch)
Larry Oh! (Sniffs it) Ugh! I can't believe you whizzed on my taco!
Beelzebub: (Gags and pouts in her seat) Why does this movie have to keep treating yummy food so badly?
Satan: (Patting her friend's back) There, there, we'll go to a nice taqueria after this…
Fish: Red light, red light, red light! Red light! Someone else should drive.
Cat: All right. You win. Concrete, you drive.
Belphegor: Hey, it'll be fine! He's probably played enough GTA III.
Cat: …A little voice inside of me is going "This is a bad idea", but I can barely hear that little voice because there's an even louder voice screaming "LET THE TWELVE YEAR OLD DRIVE!"
Lucifer: If that little voice isn't a metaphor for everything wrong in this movie, I don't know what is.
Cat: Hey! Rhode Island license plate, you never see those.
Salem: Good look finding Delaware or Alaska. Also, what state are we in?!
Lucifer: Florida.
Asmodeus: You sound really sure about that…
Lucifer: Call it a hunch…
(The SLOW crashes as an airbag is deployed through the Cat's hat)
Cat: Airbag, standard.
Asmodeus: Wow, great job making an airbag only you benefit from. The kids and the fish are dead now.
Fish: I think I wet my jar.
Leviathan: To be fair, I'd wet myself too if I had to ride in that "car" with that monstrosity.
Conrad: We gotta get Nevins and that lock back!
Sally: What do we do?
Cat: Don't worry I have three plans. Plan A: Mess up a perfectly clean house. Done that. Plan B: Cut your losses and ditch the kids. That could work…
Lucifer: You'd abandon two kids in the middle of town… Eh, that's still safer than being with you.
Cat: Plan "C"... trick mom's boyfriend into handing over dog and lock. I don't know. I still like Plan "B."
Both: Cat!
Leviathan: How about a plan D? Ditch this Sesame Street knockoff and run to the cops!
(Cut to Larry running into the Cat dressed as a hippie.)
Cat: Excuse me sir, I'd like you to sign my petition. Yeah.
Larry: Get out of my way, you hippie freak!
Belphegor: (Cracks up) Okay, that delivery was gold!
Satan: And it's about damn time someone shut this mangy menace up.
Cat: Are you aware of the wholesale slaughter of the flatulating, acid-spitting Zumzizeroo? Yeah.
Salem: Do you-
Belphegor: Yep, we have creatures like those too.
Beelzebub: Give them a treat and they're your friend for life.
Cat: Just sign my petition with this large, over-sized pen that requires two hands.
Mammon: The poor prop people who had to put hours into making that just for a single joke…
Larry: Can you hold my dog?
Lucifer: Helen Keller wouldn't fall for this…
Cat: Okay, I have a problem with the word "dog." I don't use the "D" word per se 'cause I think it's really, really wrong. Yeah. But I will happily hold your Canine Americanus. I'm more comfortable with that really, yeah.
Maria: (Sighs deeply clearly trying to keep calm) Did we really need more racist jokes?
Mammon: Not that it excuses it but sadly Dr. Seuss himself wasn't much better.
Maria: Um, what do you mean?
Lucifer: Honey, not now. We'll show you later.
(The Cat and kids run off as Larry finishes signing the petition and notices them running)
Larry: Hey what the- Come back here! I'm on to you kids!
(They keep running as Larry is able to catch up with strained breath)
Satan: Huh, he's got solid speed and stamina given we saw his beer belly earlier.
Lucifer: Speaking of which, Belphegor. I may give you crap but you were pretty good running that treadmill.
Belphegor: Heh, heh, thanks… (Whispers) I can still feel the burns…
Asmodeus: Maybe that "stamina" is why Joan was really dating him!
(The kids and Cat pack into a green kiosk packed with people, club music booming)
Salem: Wha-?!
(They all slide down a pole into a rave of people wearing the same hats as the Cat and dancing around)
(Crickets begin to chip in the confused silence)
Salem: Why is this huge ass rave happening in this booth?! Why are they wearing the Cat's hat? How the hell is this happening?! What's even the point of this?!
Belphegor: Space is warped and time is bendable, bud.
Levi: Forget the Filipino dimension jumping boxes! Who makes nightclub kiosks that are packed in the middle of the day?!
Asmodeus: At least this party does look fun. All it needs is some bath suds.
(The Cat halts and stares at a "sexy" party patron played by Paris Hilton)
Lucifer: Well, well, well! If it isn't the embodiment of pointless pussy who was famous for literally no other reason than being a sought-after heiress surrounded by men and materialism.
Mammon: Oh, look, one of my best customers! I can't wait to "collect" when the cryogenic wrinkle treatments of hers fail…
Asmodeus: You can hate on her all you want. I'd be down for that "pointless pussy" anytime.
Salem: Thanks for distracting us from the idea of her and the Cat fucking.
Beelzebub: You want to know something scarier?
Satan: What's that?
Beelzebub: Her as president of the United States.
Everyone else: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Beelzebub: Told you. Thanks for that image, Disney Channel!
Cat: Hey. This is not my hat. I must've picked up the wrong hat back there.
Lucifer: And who's fault is that?! Mr. "Let's go in this tight, cramped, densely populated box!"
Sally: So?
Cat: So... Without my hat, I'm just your garden-variety, six-foot-tall, talking cat.
Mammon: Can someone get a mouse with a mallet and some fireworks to shut him up already?!
Larry: (Talking on a pay phone) Joan, your children are running around town like complete maniacs… With some weird, hairy man in a big hat.
Salem: Even with confirmation he's an alien, that's still a more accurate description than a cat.
Conrad: We're dead. This is all my fault. I'm such an idiot.
Everyone: YES, YOU ARE!
Conrad: Why do I always have to do the opposite of what I'm supposed to?
Satan: That's a good question! You clearly aren't impoverished or abused, you have a loving mother and even a pet dog! Why are you such a despicable little brat?!
Maria: Lazy writing, mostly.
Conrad: Wait a second, that's it, the opposite! Hey, Things, don't help us! Do not show up and help us get home right now!
Lucifer: That's right, kids watching this! Doing the exact opposite of what you're told brings the best result! The Cat in the Hat says it's okay. It's not like you'll turn into delinquents scrubbing our throne room!
Belphegor: Him acting with all the conviction of a plank of wood isn't helping...
Leviathan: Never mind literally having his morality flip like a coin…
Lawrence: Look, Joan, they [the military school] don't beat them every day.
Mammon: He's right, it could be worse. They could be forced to watch this on loop.
Maria: (Trying not to pull her hair out) THIS WAS YOUR IDEA!
Joan: Oh great.
(A siren goes off as a police bike comes to a halt behind the car, the officer turning out to be Thing 2.)
Joan: I'm sorry Officer was I speeding?
Thing 2: Mekka-dekka license, appa registration? (Thing 1 rushes over)
Thing 2: Durka durka, you're one hot mama.
Lucifer: Again, FOR KIDS!
Asmodeus: At least the monstrosity is right. She is a hot mama.
Belphegor: A shame this woman got put in this, Battlefield Earth, Jack Frost and Gotti. R.I.P. Kelly Preston.
Salem: There's no hotter mama than Mammon though.
(Mammon beams and blushes in her seat)
Larry: I'm not gonna let them get away with this. (He jacks the Things' police bike and drives after the kids and Cat) Meet me at the house!
Belphegor: And here we have the brave, stalwart Quinn hijacking the patrol vehicle of two gremlins, who can now add impersonating to their rep sheet, in order to put the kids and this nightmarish Cat in their rightful places. The true hero of this story, everyone!
Everyone: Go get him, champ!
(A cut back to the house, the horribly rendered CGI goop leaking out of the box completely explodes from the lid getting ripped open.)
Salem: Oh, the poor programmers who had to code this stuff. Toy Story 1 would spit that out!
Lucifer: I've got the feeling it's only gonna get worse.
Larry: Not so fast, you little maggots! Oh, you are SO busted. Now get inside.
Levi: "Unless you wanna eat lead with your skulls!"
(Everyone looks at Levi strangely)
Levi: What?! Tell me that would be out of place with all the other garbage!
Larry: (Sneezes) Why am I sneezing?
(Cut to his back where the Cat pokes his shoulder as the music and camera ominously pans to the Cat looking at him malevolently)
Cat: That'd be me… BOO!
Lucifer: Holy shit! Is this a precursor to Stephen King's IT with a fursuit?! What sick bastard calls this whimsical?!
Belphegor: (Now looking at her tablet) Fun fact, the director of this movie was the production designer on Edward Scissorhands, Batman Returns, The Lost Boys and all three Men in Black films!
Lucifer: Okay, that actually makes a lot of sense…
Larry: YOU'RE A GIANT... CAAAAAAAAAAAT!
(In his terror, Larry's suit comes undone to reveal his true slob look, before the cliff breaks off like tissue paper and he tumbles into a purple river) JUDAS PRIEST!
Salem: That's it, I'm fucking done! The Cat just killed him! This isn't even speculation anymore! He even smiled while doing it! And the kids are accessories to murder too!
Lucifer: Plus, they've killed off the best character into the movie barring the fish. Who are we supposed to root for now?
Mammon: Maybe there'll be some redeeming moments?
Lucifer: With 20 minutes left? And the plot is just now getting started?
Mammon: (Sighs ruefully before taking another swig of her bottle)
Conrad: Mama Mia, what happened to our house?
Sally: It's the Mother of all Messes.
Lucifer: I'll say. The effects just got even worse like I predicted.
Salem: It looks like someone puked up a box of Crayola onto Spy Kids 3D for a Gushers commercial!
Maria: Plus, how can you rank messes? They're… Well, messy.
Cat: Yup! Pure, unadulterated fun without any good sense or judgment.
Belphegor: It's like LSD but somehow even uglier.
Cat: See, Corn Dog, this is why I warned you not to open the crate.
Asmodeus: His name is "Conrad," it wasn't funny the first fucking time! Go back to whatever stray cat Stimpy banged in an alleyway high off his jowls on quaaludes!
Beelzebub: (Clearly concerned) Um, are you okay?
Asmodeus: I will be after a nice, long trip to the nearest strip joint… Courtesy of Mammon.
Mammon: (Winces in pain) I-Is that really necessary?
Everyone else, including Maria: She's earned it!
Cat: …On the plus side, I think people will be talking about tonight's party for the rest of their lives.
Lucifer. Yes, they will. In therapy. They can join us with matching straitjackets!
Conrad: Cat, how do we find the crate?
Cat: Beats me. This hat is worthless, and it makes me look fat.
Satan: Or maybe it was the chocolate bars you kept eating after every take, Mike.
Sally: Where's Mrs. Kwan?
Cat: Oh look! Here she comes, right on schedule.
(The still comatose Mrs. Kwan comes riding down a slope slide on flat on her back, mumbling)
Lucifer: They are not-
Sally: We're going to ride Mrs. Kwan?
Cat: Sure, it's the only way to the crate. Hop on!
(By now, Mammon doesn't even have to look to know Maria is glaring at her)
Maria: So, we've got racism, fat shaming, and now she's a literal prop! What else are we going to put this poor woman through?
Cat: Please keep your hands and feet in the Kwan at all times. Enjoy the ride!
Maria: …A ride? You're turning her into a ride?!
Lucifer: Cool your jets Maria, the worst is yet to come.
(The "ride" goes through several warped areas of the house, including a giant toilet on a green pedestal with flames spewing out of the bowl)
Conrad: Is that the bathroom?
Cat: You might want to hold it for a while. Something like that really burns my...
Leviathan: No, by all means, use it! I'll bring the air freshener and the coroner!
(They all get brought up a ramp like a log flume ride before sliding down at high speed, the kids and Cat cheering as they race off)
Conrad: This is amazing! It's like a ride at an amusement park!
Cat: (The ride suddenly stops as the camera zooms in on the Cat, holding a handful of brochures) You mean, like at Universal Studios? (Laughs directly at the camera before winking) Cha-ching. (A cash register sound accompanies his words before the ride resumes.)
Satan: (Her magic flaring up, her voice rattling the walls) ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
Salem: Okay, that is BS! I've heard of product placement, but that is just product prostitution!
Belphegor: Mammon, I am calling you lazy now! ME!
Lucifer: I'm not mad, Mammon. I am, however, very disappointed. How much money could they have possibly handed you to plug that?
Mammon: (Bursting into tears) Not enooooooough! This film cost the studio money, got Seuss's widow on the phone with her lawyers, ruined several peoples' careers, and crushed my investment portfolio!
Maria: You're darn lucky The Incredibles was a big hit…
Asmodeus: And a piece of art that doesn't make me want to shove tetanus-riddled needles in my nipples!
(Back on the street, Joan tries to leave and grabs one of the Things)
Thing: Police brutality! Illegal choke hold!
Leviathan: Oh, great, another line that's aged like milk in the desert!
Cat: Ah, man. My eyes are closed. If there's no line, could we go back and do that again?
Belphegor: In the immortal words of the TV show we're ripping off…
Everyone: SHUT UP!
(The kids approach the crate, a torrent shooting out the open lid) Conrad: There's the crate! If we shut the crate, the house will go back to normal.
Sally: You have the lock?
Conrad: Got it. Come on, let's go. Sally! Come on!
Salem: (In his cheesiest announcer voice) Wonder Twin Powers, ACTIVATE! Form of: sudden character development!
(Cue the climax of the movie where Sally and Conrad try to shut the box without getting dragged into the cyclone. Conrad eventually has to choose to either close the crate or let Sally get sucked in. Cue more stilted acting.)
Mammon: Would you let these kids have a second take?! I sound more excited counting spare change!
Asmodeus: And as if we give a damn what happens to either of them. Unless they go on to sort out the Middle East, forget it.
(Of course, they lock the box and the terrible CGI goes away, but the house is now a dilapidated wreck. The Cat applauds their work.)
Cat: I did it. I did it. I did it. I did it. I did it. I did it. I did it. Okay, "we" did it.
Lucifer: You need to either stop talking or get that lobotomy reversed before Satan does it for you.
Satan: (Hoisting up her axe) SECONDED!
Conrad: The place is still a wreck. You said if we shut the crate, everything would be okay! But it's not. It's a complete disaster.
Cat: (Suddenly wearing a white polo shirt and shorts) Well, what are you gonna do? Tennis, anyone? (Pulls a can of tennis balls out of his hat) Love that new ball smell…
Asmodeus: Take a shot, everybody!
Maria: No thanks, my stomach is already a mess…
Conrad: Hey, your hat, it's magic again?
Cat: Well, now that the cat's out of the bag, to use an archaic and cruel-sounding metaphor, why don't you serve first?
Beelzebub: I'll serve you a tray of lutefisk, you sick creep!
Salem: (Shudders in faux horror) You monster!
Sally: You had your real hat this whole time?
Cat: Yup. I planned the whole day.
Leviathan: And now, to cap it all off, he's also a total sociopath and a certified dick.
Mammon: Yes, I'm officially sorry I ever tried to promote this dung heap of a film. You're all getting a gift bag after this.
Maria: (Mulling it over) I've always wanted to try genuine Belgian chocolate…
Sally: The house getting trashed?
Cat: Yup.
Conrad: Quinn taking Nevins?
Cat: Yup.
Sally: Cutting off your tail?
Cat: Nope. No.
Lucifer: But that was the only fun part!
Conrad: Cat, you need to get out.
Cat: I don't know that game.
Conrad: It's not a game. None of this is a game!
Cat: But I thought you two wanted to have fun today.
Satan: We do! So beat it already before you wind up as Korean BBQ!
Beelzebub: (Gasps in offense) Do NOT even joke about that!
Conrad: Look around, Cat. You were right. It's fun to have fun, but you have to know how. You don't know when enough is enough. Now, go!
Cat: Suzy. Cromwell. Please.
Both: Out!
Belphegor: Thank our sworn enemy upstairs! You two finally got your heads on straight!
Fish: Good riddance. Now, this may not be the time for "I told you so," but... Like I said, not the time.
Mammon: And now they have a good role model to look after them! Wise and humble!
Sally: I'm not going upstairs. I'm staying with you.
Conrad: Really? Why?
Sally: Two reasons. One, the stairs are destroyed.
Salem: (Gives the slightest chuckle) Okay, fine, you got one more hyuck in…
Sally: By the way, you're a pretty good brother.
Lucifer: (Bursts into laughter) And I thought Mammon knew how to peddle bullshit.
Mammon: Hey!
Conrad: Glad you think that. Maybe we can room together at military school.
Leviathan: It's a boys' only school, you idiot! Glad to see you're still as observant as a piece of marble!
(The door begins to open…)
Conrad: Well, here it goes.
(…Revealing the Cat on a cleaning device, laughing, the kids awkwardly start smiling at the sight of him)
Belphegor: Well, it's hardly worth it but BOOOOO!
Lucifer: Why are you smiling at him?! You just told him to piss off!
Salem: Oh, sure, great! Ruin the sequel book about him coming back too! Why the F not?!
Cat: Bet you thought I'd gone! Bet you felt a sting!
Levi: No, what I felt was "elation."
(Cue a Smash Mouth pop cover of The Beatles "Getting Better" starting as the Cat rides around repairing the house)
Belphegor: I know this band! Smash Mouth?! Mammon, you got Smash Mouth in on this?!
Mammon: Yes, the one thing I don't regret plugging. They were all the rage in the 2000s. Plus their album "All-Star" going triple platinum thanks to another Mike Myers movie made it too easy. Call it a shoddy fad all you want.
Lucifer: Too bad that gimmick didn't pay off.
Mammon: Still a decent song.
Belphegor: Eh, give Astaroth a few days and I think she'd do better.
(The Cat drops Nevins the dog into the cleaning machine pouring out shampoo.)
Satan: I swear if he harms that poor dog, I'm gonna-!
(Nevins comes out fresh as a daisy with no harm)
Satan: (Through clenched teeth) …Lucky bastard.
Salem: Something tells me that Nevins is alive only so this can stay a "family" movie. Because now even the Cat's character is pinballing around…
Cat: (After everything is fixed) Well, we had some good times. We cleaned up the house. We even managed to work in an up-tempo pop tune for the soundtrack, that's important.
Beelzebub: Two out of three, and because you've been a corporate shill YET AGAIN! Mammon! We're heading to the Cheesecake Factory before that strip club. I need a giant slice of comfort!
Mammon: (sighing deeply) Very well, dear.
Sally: Cat, this day has been amazing. Thank you, Cat.
Conrad: For everything.
Lucifer: You insulted us, destroyed our home, nearly got us killed several times, harassed us and almost ruined our lives. Thanks for everything, indeed, Cat.
(Larry, drenched in purple slime, peaks his heed through the door)
Larry: Hello, Joan.
Joan: Lawrence, what happened to you?
Belphegor: Experimenting with homemade slime before it was an internet fad?
Mammon: (grossed out) As much as I sympathize with him, I'd never let him into my house looking like that and ruin my floors.
Larry: They happened to me, your demonic children. THEY DESTROYED YOUR HOUSE! The house was alive. The wall was made of paper, I fell off the cliff… AND THE GIANT CAT! (Does a double take, looking completely mortified) The giant cat! Tell her!
Maria: He's not even being villainous anymore; this is how anyone would react to that!
Lucifer: Told you there'd be therapy involved if someone saw that.
Asmodeus: Plus, major points for giving the most believable performance while drenched head to toe in melted purple latex! Seriously, this man has some acting chops!
Conrad: You look terrible, and my mom thinks you're insane. This is what we in the sales game call "a win-win scenario".
Salem: Go to hell, you twerp.
Larry: Joan, you are passing up the opportunity of a lifetime. You know what kind of kid your boy is. I mean who are you going to believe?!
Satan: He's got a point! Don't pass this up!
Joan: You're right. I do know what kind of kid Conrad is. He can be irresponsible.
Larry: Yes
Joan: He makes bad choices.
Larry: Yes!
Joan: Sometimes he makes me want to tear my hair out.
Larry: Yes! Yes! YES!
Joan: But he's a good kid, and I believe in him.
Satan: OH, COME ON!
Maria: No, he isn't! He was nothing but disrespectful before and he just dissed Larry in front of you! This is totally unearned!
(Larry starts backing out at a loss for words, stuttering and starting to call our Joan's name in desperation as she rips up the military school pamphlet)
Larry:(starts sobbing) Joan! Jo-oh-ho-ho-an!
(He then sneezes letting out trails of oozing snot into his hands, leaving Joan completely repulsed)
Larry: Will you marry me, Joan?!
(Joan completely refuses and nudges him out the door as triumphant music plays with Sally and Conrad cheering)
Lucifer: Hooray! The most sympathetic and funniest character with realistic goals, was just kicked to the curb! Now he's humiliated and forced to live out the rest of the days traumatized and probably getting his house foreclosed on! And all while the two little psychopaths responsible get to live comfortably in a big house! I don't care what the music says, this is tragedy even Shakespeare would find too depressing!
Belphegor: Look on the bright side Luci! By this movie's standards, he'd go to Hell and probably end up in my circle. Then I could cheer him up with Dos Equis and video games!
Satan: Assuming the gates judged him to be vile enough to make it there, which would be very debatable.
Lucifer: Still Belphegor has a point. We'd work out a good deal for him in purgatory or rebirth.
Belphegor: #JusticeforQuinn.
(We then cut to the party going great, even Mr. Humberfloob complimenting Joan)
Joan: Sally, your cupcakes are a huge hit. What did you put in them?
Beelzebub: Enough chemicals that even a meth cook would be horrified by between the hot dogs and fire extinguishers! This is food even I'd tell you stay away from! Where's that cheesecake already?!
Maria: Also, didn't the Cat say the cupcakes were horrible?
Narrator: The family was whole, all thanks to the Cat, who was dashing and charming, no doubt about that. He was witty and cultured and, well, very endearing and tremendously attractive.
Leviathan: You sit upon a throne of LIES!
(The camera pans away from the window revealing the narrator to be the Cat speaking through a boom mic)
Cat: But in a sort of real way. You know, kind of approachable way that I think you don't see… (Notices the camera staring at him) Oh hello! I should really be going. (Stares back at Conrad and Sally jumping on the couch with their mother, a smile on his face) How'd they get so smart?
(The theater is left stunned silent, when all of a sudden the room starts shaking.)
Satan: FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU! (The theater screen is destroyed, as it cuts to black briefly)
Satan: There, this fucking movie is done, I can't take this anymore! Mammon, you're damn lucky I don't go after your money!
Lucifer: Yeah, the film was garbage but I actually had fun ripping it apart.
Belphegor: Plus, our viewers are paying good money to see everyone they love do this!
Lucifer: Satan does have a point. This "comedy" was a hairball of misery. Let's watch something better next time! Anybody have any suggestions?
(Everyone murmurs their own options until Salem calls out to Lucifer)
Salem: I do! And this one happens to be a favorite of mine.
Lucifer: Is it now? Let me guess, a gothic horror piece?
Salem: Ha, you'd think so. Actually, this one's a lot more modern.
Lucifer: Hmmm very well. Let's see what you got. Mammon?
Mammon: Ah yes! I apologize that you all had to endure that, especially you Maria. And I'm more than willing to make up for it.
Asmodeus: There'd better be some nice showgirls and guys included.
Mammon: Of course! In fact, let's take some breathers shall we? Come on, I've got a lot of stuff I promised you and don't say I'm not a demon of my word (Under her breath) More than I'd like to admit.
Beelzebub: Please take us to get Cheesecake first! I need some triple-layered red velvet ASAP!
Notes:
I apologize for my cowriter for having to suffer through this movie but I'll admit that I have a lot of nostalgia for it despite how bad it is. Thank you all for reading our little experiment! This was a lot of fun for both of us! We've been talking about more movies to do so let us know if you want to see more!