Over the Hedge: Second Generation

by starwars4life

Set 15 years after Midsummer Crises. The kids and young adult hedgies are now grown adults and must continue to carry out what their parents have taught them about heists, fun, friendship, love, and family. But will the problems they now encounter as parents and mates make the hedge family grow stronger and larger, or break apart and get smaller?

16. The Nose Knows

Season's Greetings at the time of this December 21, 2024 posting! I always look forward to giving all you readers my annual early Holidays gift of a new chapter and/or story, and here is this year's!

Chapter 16: The Nose Knows

After making three different sized ropes (one short, one medium, and one long) become the same length again when pulled on by three separate audience members, Aleshia takes a bow while the animals in Group 1 golf clap for her. She then says, "And now, ladies and gentlemammals—and reptiles—let us welcome Riley the Prodigious Hypnotist!"

Riley is so eager for his next hypnotism trick that he is trembling with excitement. It will be his most ambitious feat yet, but also his greatest. No scratch that, one of THE greatest acts of hypnotism ever performed by a minor!

Riley: "Hello everyone! Before you ask, yes, I will need a volunteer. But why settle for one when I, Riley, the Prodigious Hypnotist, can make you all participate?"

With a snap of his fingers, several stand-mounted hypnosis spirals poof out of thin air and surround the intrigued audience. Even the abducted TV turns on and shows a hypnosis spiral.

Wasting no time, Riley says, "Look at the swirling spirals. Look. Look hard. Look harder."

By the time Riley has finished saying those words, he notices that the animals are staring blankly. This makes him kick in the next phase. "Now fall into the dark void of your minds. Fall deep. Fall deeper. And deeper still. Surround yourselves in the darkness. The only thing you hear and obey in that darkness will be me."

After a five second pause Riley commands, "Now, stand on your feet and raise your right arms high." All the animals do so, which does more than confirm that Riley's trick is working. It makes him feel good. Really good. Almost to the point of it being a pleasure of the flesh, but it goes far beyond that. It makes him feel empowered...even god-like.

Riley seems to be under hypnosis himself as he wondrously muses, "The power to control others' minds...For them to be my puppets, and I a puppet master...To command them to do whatever I want...For them to obey my every order involuntarily..."

Aloud, Riley says, "Put your arms down and bow before your master." The animals do as they're told, but only bow by bending their upper bodies forward. Riley wants more—craves more. "Your master demands you to grovel on your hands and knees." Riley truly feels like a god upon seeing his subjects prostrate themselves before him. But Riley wants to go beyond even that feeling. Being a god isn't enough, he wants to become God. He must have their hearts and souls.

Riley says, "Turn to the animal closest to you." When the others have done that, he finishes with, "Now, in the name of your god, kill them."

Many bites and claw slashes later, and there are only a few left, which is unacceptable. Riley will not be satisfied until everyone gives him their souls. He commands, "Those who are left, kill yourselves."

They hit their heads against the floor until nothing but silence remains. Riley stands there, alone in an attic full of death, his god-like euphoria fully satisfied. He truly is the greatest hypnotist ever, because no hypnotist has gotten an entire audience to kill themselves.

Wanting to get an up-close look at the bodies, he begins to walks through the corpses like a grave keeper through a graveyard. He suddenly slips on some blood and falls neck-first against a storage chest with a Crack!

"Ahh!" shouts Riley as he wakes up from what has to be the most messed up nightmare of his whole life. He looks around and confirms that everyone in Group 1 is still alive; resting so well thanks to the fans and de-humidifier that not even his loud yell wakes anyone up. Riley would normally try to go back to sleep, but two things prevent him from even trying that. First, he's afraid he'll have another bad dream. And second, his sweat-soaked fur makes him smell so bad that it's hard to breathe. What's worse is that he can't just go take a bath like he could in the woods.

That's perhaps been the biggest challenge for the third generation of animals, since they would normally bathe (with shampoo) at least once a day. But with bath times limited to whenever the humans are not home—which barely happens at Group 1's house—there isn't easy access to a body of water, and they've had to get used to their species' true musk.

All the adults of the first generation of hedgies, and the hedgies' friends of the second generation, are no strangers to this since none of them had used shampoo, perfume, or cologne until RJ came into their lives. But the kids in the third generation have always used shampoo, and it has not been easy adjusting to their own and the others' unbathed scents.

Riley ponders, "I can at least cool off in front of a fan." and heads over to the nearest one. It's set to sway side to side, so he has to move along with it, but it feels so good to cool down while having his wet-dog (almost rotten fruit) smell get blown away. He doesn't care if anyone else wakes up because of his musk, he just needs to stop sweating.

Fortunately, everyone else keeps sleeping throughout his cooldown, and once he feels dry enough, Riley mentally figures, "I might as well pass the time by practicing some more," and intends to go over to his magic kit. But the instant he steps away from the fan, his normally already-bad smelling unbathed scent is worse now that there's dried sweat in the mixture. He stinks so much he gags.

Riley thinks, "That's it. I NEED a bath!" He runs over to the shampoo corner, finds his favorite, then heads outside the house using the closest circular-window seam. The open air would usually assist in helping his scent dissipate faster, but his keen sense of smell offers no respite from his gosh-awful stink. Riley climbs down into the back yard where he remembers seeing the water hose yesterday. He turns it on, gets himself wet, then puts the shampoo on his body. It's like going from Heck into Heaven. He can breathe again, he feels refreshed, and he can think straight.

Judging from how dark the sky is, it must be between 3 to 4 AM, which leaves him plenty of time to keep bathing before the elderly couple wakes up—

—Or so he thinks. Because Bubo, Virginia, Stare-Ra, Air Tiger, and Strix the owls are flying on reconnaissance. Ever since the ravens wimped out and let the hedgies flee without seeing where they were going, the owls have made it their mission to fly through the suburbs at night trying to locate which houses their enemies are staying in. The raptors don't have a sense of smell, and must rely on their eyes and hearing to do the job. Each has been designated a large portion of the Elysian Fields Estates to patrol (five total, one for each owl), and each owl has a walkie talkie strapped to their leg.

Bo taps the talk button with his opposite talon and says, "Nothing here."

Virginia goes next and says, "Same in my section."

Air Tiger's voice buzzes on, "Likewise."

Strix's voice comes in to say "Ditto."

Although her voice is just as dull and monotone as the others, Stare-Ra almost feels what is called annoyance as she says, "What a waste of time..."

Bo's voice hints at what is called frustration when his lifeless tone says, "Give us your status report, Stare-Ra. Not your bellyaching."

---

If Stare-Ra was a normal young adult female, she would respond with Bubo's recent words by thinking or saying that she hates her father. The guy gave her life, and treats her like one of his regurgitated owl pellets. From the moment she hatched he was disappointed that he didn't have three sons, instantly seeing his one and only daughter as an even bigger inconvenience than having two sons. But sadly, she is immune to emotions.

Before she and her brothers had their emotions fully driven out by their parents' upbringing, Stare-Ra had tried the hardest to make friends. When she was little, she didn't like living with parents who tried to make their three kids permanently depressed and negative, and sought a way to escape from that by sneaking away from them while they slept during the day to go hang out with some diurnal owls. But ironically, being around other owls only made her more depressed and reclusive. All the other owls her age would talk about is how great their parents, siblings, and other friends were; all the fun things they would do together; and how they loved each other very much.

Whenever it was Stare-Ra's turn to talk about what's been going on in her life, she could only talk about how bad her parents and siblings were, how they never did anything fun together, and how much they disliked each other. That kind of negativity made would-be friends fly away in a huff, lie by saying "Oh, I think I hear my parents calling for me, gotta run," before leaving, or for Stare-Ra to "Go be pouty all by yourself, killjoy" usually coupled with laughter or agreement from nearby peers.

Every time Stare-Ra's gloominess forced others to leave or ridicule her, she would hang her head in shame and just silently sulk by her lonesome. Heartbroken, she would mumble out loud, "I wouldn't mind be unpopular and unliked, if I only had one friend..." And sadly, she never made one.

Such failed attempts to make friends, coupled with her parents raising she and her siblings without love or any feelings, made Stare-Ra lose her emotions faster than her brothers, who never wanted to do anything with her because she was a girl.

Air Tiger's and Strix's emotions lasted longer because they were friends with each other; they raced, played tag, and had staring contests together. Unlike Stare-Ra, the two brothers would do these activities whenever they had the chance—in sight and hearing range of their parents. Bubo and Virginia would shut down AT's and Strix's fun by saying, "Go on, waste time by playing. You'll never get yourself fed if you do something as worthless as that." When that proved ineffective, the parents used their sons' fun activities against them by making them compete for their parents' approval. It was no longer fun and games; they were tearing at each other's throats. Whoever won the race, game of tag, or staring contest would be given adequate food, while the loser would go to bed hungry, insulted, and most of all, hating the victor. Because AT's and Strix's victories and losses would often flipflop—with AT winning one day, and Strix winning the other—their parents' pseudo-rewards and insults became meaningless. The brothers stopped caring about their parents, then each other, and finally about everything in life.

---

Having wasted her mental energy recalling all of this, Stare-Ra gives her real answer about her patrol when she takes one more glance down. She intends to say that she sees nothing, but now sees and hears something that's anything but nothing.

Stare-Ra hits the talk button on her walkie talkie and says, "I've got something here. A raccoon kit is bathing in one of the yards."

Air Tiger's voice from the walkie-talkie asks, "One of the ones we're hunting?"

Stare-Ra recognizes the markings on the kit and answers, "Affirmative," more robotically than the most robotic of robots. "But this might not be the house he and his family are staying in. I'm gonna keep watch. Call you back later."

Although she has healed some since the big fight a few days ago, Stare-Ra still isn't recovered enough to dive in for an attack if the adult hedgies are around keeping watch. She instead does what she does best: stares at her target.

As for Riley, he feels clean enough and is ready to go dry off. He shakes like a dog to get the bulk of the water out of his fur, but that still leaves the moisture deep in his fur close to his skin. "The fan inside the attic should do the trick," he muses, and grabs the shampoo to bring it back with him. As he walks over to turn off the hose's water faucet, he takes one more blissful, deep breath to enjoy the pleasant aroma emanating from his body. That's when he picks up the undeniable smell of unwashed bird feathers and roadkill—coming from above.

He looks into the night sky and his species-inherited night vision sees something that makes him drop the shampoo, leave the water running, and break out into another sweat: one of the owls who is after him and his family. Owing to why the dinosaur "velociraptor" is named after avian "raptors," Stare-Ra's eyes meet Riley's and that's when the attack begins. Riley runs through the yard to the rain gutter's downspout that will let him climb up the house easier.

During that time, Stare-Ra says on her walkie talkie, "He's running. Going after him."

Air-Tiger's voice suggests, "You should let him—"

Stare-Ra interrupts with, "—I know. Shut up or he'll hear."

But she cut him off too late, because Riley did hear the brief exchange and his mind fills in the blanks. "If she sees me climb up into the house, she'll know that's where we're staying. Gotta find a way to throw her off the trail." He bypasses the downspout and keeps running into the front yard, still trying to figure out how to confuse her. That's when he sees the solution to his problem.

"I hope there's no killer clown 'floating' down here!" he muses as he crawls into a nearby street storm drain.

He goes to the bottom and plays the waiting game. It hasn't rained all week, so the inside is dry which will make it easy for him to climb out once Stare-Ra leaves.

As for Stare-Ra, she does see the kit go into the storm drain, but that's the worst thing possible. Stare-Ra is so close to feeling the emotion of frustration that she not only flies higher in the air by flapping her wings with the force of a punch, but also turns on the walkie talkie to brood out loud. "Air Tiger, you idiot, he heard us. Now he's in a storm drain which he could use to make his way to any house in the suburbs without me seeing."

Virginia's voice: "Air-Tiger, you worthless hatchling. You never think before you speak. If I'd known you be this much trouble, I would've smashed you while you were still an egg."

Like the rest of his family, Air Tiger feels nothing for what would normally be deep-cutting insults.

Air-Tiger's voice: "Yadda, yadda. Or, it could mean the whole family is staying down there and we've discovered how to reach them."

Stare-Ra: "Pipe works like the ones here connect to every house in the suburbs, doofus. They could still be anywhere in there. Even if we discovered their primary entrance/exit, it would take weeks of scouring the sewers to find them. You screwed up royally."

Bo's voice: "I thought I told you to quit the whining, Stare-Ra. Yes, Air Tiger did another epic fail that gives me one more reason to regret ever conceiving him, but you're doing the same thing right now by blabbering your beak where he can still hear you."

Stare-Ra: "I'm not stupid like AT, father. I'm far enough to where the kit won't be able to see or hear me, but I can still keep an eye on the brat's location in case he's staying in a nearby house and is just waiting for me to leave."

Bo's voice: "If you expect a reward for doing what any regular predator would do, you'll just be disappointed."

Stare-Ra: "I'm used to it."

Bo's voice: "But I will knock two points off your useless-rating, and add two points to Air Tiger's useless-rating."

Air Tiger's voice: "I don't care. You're all useless to me. Especially you, Strix for not sticking up for me."

Strix's voice: "Talk about un-brotherly love, bro—which is what I would say if I loved you in the first place, AT."

Virginia's voice: "Always remember what your father and I taught you: Love is the biggest weakness one can have, because it creates vulnerability."

Stare-Ra, Air Tiger, and Strix in unison: "We know, mother. Stop boring us."

Stare-Ra: "I'm turning off the walkie talkie. I'll let you know if something comes up."

Stare-Ra remains in the air for 15 more minutes before her body requires her to take a break. She finds the nearest tree and perches on it. While doing that, she sees an owl decoy set up near a raised garden bed. If she had any emotions, she would give a half-smile in bitter humor at the irony of how the plastic decoy is just as lifeless as herself. Instead, Stare-Ra broods something far more depressing.

"I envy you. You're better than any living creature, and especially better than my own family. If only we could trade places..."

She then notices a chipmunk scurry toward the garden bed to get a pre-dawn snack. The rodent looks up to see the owl decoy but continues on its way. Stare-Ra shakes her head side to side in dismay and muses to the owl decoy in disappointment, "Never mind. You're worthless. Like everything and everyone on this worthless planet."

Now Stare-Ra's self-depression is becoming too much even for her to bear, so she decides to give herself some amusement and snatches the chipmunk in her talons in one swoop. She completely ignores whatever noises it makes, and takes her time playing with it; tearing it to shreds with her talons and beak without bothering to eat it. Once she is satisfied and her wings no longer feel sore, she takes to the sky again. She remains in the air until the sun comes out, and the raccoon kit never emerges.

Stare-Ra ponders, "Or he came out while I was perching and having fun with the chipmunk, and I just proved myself more worthless than even the decoy..." After a ten second pause, she once again finds a way to go from overly-depressed to regular-depressed with, "Let my parents and allies blame me if that's the case and they find out. I don't care. And if they kill me, that would be a blessing for me. A release from this worthless existence creatures call 'life.' "

She turns her walkie talkie back on and says, "I haven't seen him. It's daytime now, so I'm tired. I'm heading home to get some sleep."

Bo's voice: "I didn't say you could do that yet, young lady."

Stare-Ra: "I've earned the rest because I accomplished more out of this night's patrol than any of you. You're the useless ones. You wanna stop me, father? Kill me. I welcome death. Have welcomed it since the day I hatched."

Stare-Ra doesn't just turn off her walkie talkie to prevent back-talk, she crushes it in her talons.

If only Stare-Ra didn't do that, she would have heard Bo tell her, "Look who's finally grown a pair..." It is perhaps the only true and sincere compliment anyone from her family will ever give her.

But even if she did hear it, she wouldn't care. After all, that's how she and her brothers were raised.

---

Once Riley's senses tell him all the owls have left for the morning, he comes out of the storm drain and climbs back into the attic, hoping no one has woken up yet. Unfortunately, his grand-godparents Eric and Elaina are already awake, meaning he'll have to explain what he has been doing. That would mean big trouble for him since he nearly risked revealing Group 1's location to the owls.

Eric: "Mornin' Riley."

Riley: "G-Good morning, Mr. Eric and Mrs. Elaina."

Elaina: "Where have you been?"

Riley: "Taking a bath. I don't know how you can stand your own odor without shampoo."

Eric: "You didn't take one inside the house did you?"

Riley: "Of course not. I'm not stupid enough to risk getting caught by the Two Total Slobs."

All of Riley's attempts to brush off the topic fail when Elaina says, "So you did it outside in the yard, then. That's just as risky because other animals or the verminators could have seen you and saw you return here."

Riley: "I was multitasking. I kept all my senses on high alert while bathing. No humans showed up. It was too early in the morning. I'm telling the truth, I swear."

Eric: "We believe you, Riley. But did any nocturnal animals see you?"

Riley decides that lying would be the worst thing to do here, so he tells the truth. "One of the owls after us did. But I threw it off the trail by hiding in a storm drain and not coming out until it and its family had flown away."

Eric and Elaina look at each other and nod. They then approach Riley with neutral expressions which makes the kit nervous about how they will react. He's caught off guard when they pick him up and hug him tight.

Elaina: "That's my grand-godson, or GGS."

Eric: "We're so proud of you. You did everything we would have done, and more. And not only did you prove your raccoonness by keeping our hiding place a secret, you also told us the truth."

Elaina: "For being such a good boy, we won't tell anyone else about what happened. We're already under a lot of stress, and we're not going to say anything that'll cause more anxiety."

Riley: "Really? Oh, thank you. You're the best grand-godparents anyone kit could ever have."

Elaina: "And you're the best grand-godson we can have. We love you."

Riley: "And I love both of you too."

Eric: "What do you want for breakfast. It can be anything you want, even if it's something your mom or dad wouldn't allow."

Elaina: "And before you ask why, it's because it's grand-godparents' jobs to spoil their grand-godkids. Especially when they saved the family and told the truth."

Riley's face brightens with a smile, and he feels just like a kid in the candy store without monetary limitations. "How about those white powder donuts?" he asks why pointing to the food pile.

Eric and Elaina look at each other again and nod, this time with smiles on their faces.

---

Hours later, the Two Total Slobs wake up and do their morning routine of making and eating breakfast, brushing their teeth, using the restroom, and showering—all while nagging at each over almost everything imaginable. These are just the highlights that don't even begin to go into detail of all that is said:

"Don't fall out of the bed, my back won't be able to take lifting your fat hide."

"You're so lazy your atrophied muscles couldn't lift a butterfly."

"It's too cold in this house! Why did you turn the AC down to 65 degrees during Spring?"

"Better to be too cold than too hot at night. It's science: humans sleep better when it's cold."

"I'm so hungry I could even eat your awful waffles, but I'll take toast instead."

"Got a problem with my cooking? Then starve!"

"I can't believe you use Colgate instead of Crest. No wonder your breath smells no matter how much you brush."

"Says the person who brushed their teeth so hard that they had enamel problems in their early-20s."

"Don't use all the hot water like last time."

"Don't take too long in the shower like you always do."

The hedgies can barely stand it. It annoys them so much, they are almost tempted to go "wild animal" on the Two Total Slobs, just to give them something more real to complain about. Of course, they refrain from doing anything that foolish, and instead talk about more positive things.

Penny: "Jeepers, Georgy is the greatest pet of all time."

Mark: "My respect for him has increased by 10,000 percent."

Heather: "No kidding. I can't believe he hasn't gone completely insane—like, for real insane—from listening to those two for years."

Lou: "You said it, Heather. He has the most patience of anyone we've ever met or seen."

RJ: "If I was Georgy, I would've run away from these Two Total Slobs a LONG time ago. Even if I didn't know how to live in the wild and got eaten by a predator, at least I'd die free from their bickering. Gah! I hope these two die from a heart attack so big it'll kill their whole family!"

Brooke: "That's, um, very dark, RJ."

RJ: "I'm sure we were all thinking the same thing. I just had the guts to say it."

The strange looks the others give him lets him know that he is mistaken.

Caleb: "Where did that come from, Mr. RJ?"

RJ: "Well, I...?"

He is saved from answering a question he can't explain when the husband asks, "Why is our water hose un-wound and running?!"

It turns out, the hedgies had tuned out the Two Total Slobs' arguing at the time they should have been listening the most. While the attic-dwellers had been talking amongst themselves, they failed to hear the wife ask the husband to go outside and water the plants.

Husband: "Women and your plants. They're a pain to place in the ground, attract bugs, require constant work to maintain, and eat up our water bill."

Wife: "Do you have anything better to do with your life today?"

Husband (jokingly): "Yeah, I got a hot date with your dead mother. She's way more lively than you are."

Wife (jokingly): "Pffft. Careful, even dead she doesn't like cheapskate-dates." (Serious) "It's water the plants, or handwash the dishes and clean the kitchen. Pick your poison."

Husband: "Plants it is."

Wife: "Then it's kitchen for me."

After voicing his question about the unwrapped and running water hose, the husband (as expected) accuses his wife. "You left the water running all evening long?!"

Wife's voice: "I didn't water at all yesterday."

The man looks down to find new evidence to disprove his wife's claim, only to find something that confirms it. He sees a small but noticeable pile of animal fur not too far from where the running hose spout is. He knows it can't be from a reptile like Georgy, and the houses on the left, right, and behind he and his wife's house don't have any pets. When he goes to turn off the water, he sees a bottle of shampoo near the faucet.

Little does he know that Georgy has been watching him from the window sill inside. Knowing that his new pals might be in danger of being discovered by the now suspicious human, Georgy taps the glass to get the man's attention.

Husband: "Huh? Georgy?"

The iguana looks down at the ground where the man is currently standing, causing the human to look down at the animal fur. Georgy taps the window again to make the person look at him, whereby the reptile smacks his lips.

Husband: "You ate some animal last night? Wait, you were inside with us all evening, so it must have been during the day..."

Georgy now looks at the water faucet (causing the man to do the same), then taps the glass to bring the man's attention back to him. Georgy makes a gag noise followed by a simulation of spitting out something that tastes terrible.

Georgy then pinches his nose with two fingers while giving a "Pee-Yew" facial expression. Next, he stands on his hind legs, using one of his fore-legs placed on the window to hold himself upright and the other fore-leg to mime washing.

The husband doesn't need any further "explanation" and theorizes aloud, "So you got sick from eating something not from your normal diet, threw up, and cleaned yourself afterwards?" After seeing the iguana shrug while nodding yes, the husband says, "No problem. I honestly didn't think you were that smart. But you left the water running because...?"

Georgy hangs his head in shame, causing the man to quickly say, "Hey, no problem. We all get forgetful, especially my wife."

From inside the house his wife states, "I heard that!"

He retorts with, "I'm glad you did because it's the truth! But right now I'm gonna get back to watering my plants. Don't deny it. I paid for 'em and I planted them."

His wife counters with, "I selected them, and I helped you plant them."

In a rare case, the two leave it there and get back to doing their chores, which makes Georgy sigh in relief. But now he must find a towel to roll in so that all his sweat from the stress and fear that his owner wouldn't believe him can dry off.

But his sweat is nothing like that of the hedgies in the attic who were 100 times more afraid about being discovered as they overheard the human's and iguana's "conversation."

Aleshia: "That was too close. We owe Georgy one."

RJ: "But who went outside last night to take a bath?"

Riley steps forward with a sigh and guiltily admits, "I did. I had a nightmare that made me sweat hard and couldn't stand my own stench. I almost got attacked by one of those owls who're after us, but hid in a storm drain until it went away."

Roger: "Riley! You could've given away our hiding spot!"

Eric: "But he didn't. We talked to him when he got back in here and we should all be impressed and grateful for his craftiness and ingenuity."

Elaina: "And this does bring up a good point. If we don't find a way to take baths, the Two Total Slobs will eventually smell us and come looking."

Jacqueline: "But how do we bathe if we can't risk being seen by humans during the day and the owls at night?"

After a little time of thought, Hubert comes up with a solution.

Hubert: "We need a bucket of water to keep up here, mix shampoo in it, and everyone takes turns jumping in and out of it."

Albert: "Yeah. Plus, we have Georgy down there to give us a hand—er, paw. I mean claw...? Ugh! Gotta brush up on my reptile anatomy."

RJ: "Anatomy...? Hey, I just got a great idea!"

All others in unison: "What?"

RJ: "Since we'll be cooped up in this home for about another week or two, let's go online and learn as much as we can about the strengths and weaknesses of the predators trying to get us. That way, we'll know how to take them down when we eventually have to fight them."

RJ's idea is so brilliant that everyone instantly forgets about the cruel thing he had hoped would happen to the Two Total Slobs, and gets onboard with his brilliant suggestion.

Roger: "I'll text the others to tell them to do the same."

Luke: "Yeah! We're gonna—"

Duke: "—Kick some—!"

Luke and Duke in unison: "—Butt!"

The twin brothers fist bump.

Stevie: "Some of the predators are snakes, and snakes don't have butts."

Alan: "Way to ruin the buzz, sis."

Ellie: "But they all have tails. So, we're gonna kick some tail!"

No one can find a fallacy in Ellie's logic, and they break out their phones or iPads to start researching.

---

At Group 5's/the Robinson's house, Stuart is rearing to carry out the plan that will redeem him in the eyes of his owners. It will begin as soon as one of the Robinsons comes to let him out of the small closet, which the hedgies and their superb senses will detect and they will begin play their part. Being around Ozzie, Heather, Mary, Bernard, and Elroy for so many years has helped their own acting talents improve, so the plan is a shoo-in.

Footsteps start coming toward Stuart's direction, which are from Mr. Robinson given the deep and slow noise, heavy foot falls, and the scent of the man's cologne. Stuart is so eager he can taste his excitement, but Mr. Robinson pauses in front of the closet door.

Mr. Robinson: "You better had learned your lesson, Stu. If not, this" (Taps the door) "will become your new home."

Stuart thinking: "You are so gonna regret those words—AND everything you all did to me yesterday."

The combined sounds of the knob turning and the door opening is one of the most satisfying things in the young skunk's life so far. His happy mood is instantly lost when Mr. Robinson sticks his hand forward and uses it to yank Stuart out while saying, "Now go and eat your breakfast. Not like you deserve it, but we don't wanna get charged with animal cruelty."

Stuart's pace is quick but slouched, his tail between his legs; the signs of an animal who is eager to get away from an abusive owner, but cannot escape. When Stuart gets to the kitchen, the mother and her sons are sitting at the bar counter eating breakfast.

Cody rhetorically asks, "And how's our epic-fail doing this morning?"

Stuart ignores him and goes over to his food and water bowl. Mr. Robinson had overheard his oldest son and answers, "Hopefully wiser than he was yesterday." He sits down and starts eating alongside his family.

Stuart's food plate is normally full of fresh, hot scrambled eggs, bacon, and berries, but today his menu is cold turkey. "Soon to be bigger and more delectable than ever," he muses with a smile.

Everyone is halfway through their meal when Stuart's head shoots up from his water bowl and he starts making high-pitched squeaking and chirping noises.

Mrs. Robinson: "Hush, Stu."

Stuart keeps making the same sounds and now adds stomping his feet to the mix.

Mr. Robinson: "We're trying to eat in peace, pipe down!"

Stuart makes quick groaning sounds and runs toward the back of the house. The Robinsons shrug and keep eating, paying him no mind even when he squeals, growls, hisses, and stomps his feet.

When the sound becomes too loud and irritating to ignore, Brody says, "Something must be wrong. He sounds angry."

Cody: "Of course he's angry. He's trying to get back at us for the way we treated him last night."

Brody: "I'm going back there to check, just in case."

He gets out of the bar stool and walks to where Stuart is still pitching a fit—at the back door. The skunk is also pointing and scratching it.

Brody's eyes are glued to Stuart when the boy asks, "What're you fussing about?"

Stuart's irritation noises pause as he takes a breath before continuing to make more of a racket. But in that brief lapse, Brody hears some noises coming from the backyard. The door doesn't have a window, so Brody opens it and gasps at the sight of wild skunks, otters, a porcupine, squirrel, mink, zorilla, and honey badger ransacking the backyard furniture, flower bed, and toolshed.

While Brody is still processing what he's seeing with his eyes, Stuart runs out into the yard sounding angrier than ever before.

All of yesterday's previous anger replaced now with a deep concern for his pet's life, Brody turns around shouts, "Hey! All of you c'mere! We've got wild animals in our backyard and Stewie is going after them!"

When he turns his head back in the direction of where the action is going on, Brody sees Stuart aggressively challenging the wild skunks. They are making the same aggressive sounds as Stuart with their tails raised, but their eyes are facing the pet's, indicating the animals are trying to intimidate Stuart. The rest of the Robinsons have arrived at the back door when the largest of the skunks runs forward at Stuart, then back. Stuart flinches from the sudden movement, but then runs forward, grab-bites it in the leg, and somehow tosses the larger animal up and slams it back down. The wild skunk makes loud, long chirping sounds while retreating, its brethren and the mink doing the same.

The Robinsons' eyes widen, with Cody saying, "Whoa! I didn't know Stewie was that strong!"

His comment draws the attention of the honey badger, who rattles aggressively, runs over to the door, and turns around so that its rear is facing the family. The Robinsons cringe as they expect to be sprayed, but Stuart mimic's the badger's own rattling sound, only the pet sounds much more threatening. The honey badger guns toward Stuart and lands a claw swipe on the pet's head. Stuart responds by grip-biting the African mustelid's forehead and slashing at her body with both of his claws. The honey badger tries to pull away, but Stuart's hold is too strong.

The zorilla makes his species' unique high-pitched, scraping, low-rattling screech and comes running toward Stuart. With the domesticated skunk still focused on pummeling the honey badger, the zorilla then jumps forward in a dive with its claws and teeth bared. Just when it seems Stuart will be attacked from behind, he lets go of the honey badger and rolls out of the way. The zorrilla collides with the honey badger instead, making the latter most unpleased. The African mustelids growl at each other, then break out into a fight of their own, which they eventually take to the next yard.

The porcupine makes a high screech that draws Stuart's and the humans' attention to it, where they see it toss away a lockpick and grab a hatchet it had brought out from the toolshed.

Mr. Robinson: "Was that a lockpick?"

Forgetting that it was the window that had been used to enter the house rather than the door, and instead mesmerized by the sight of a wild animal that can grip a lockpick, Mrs. Robinson deduces aloud, "Which means...these're the ones who messed up our house yesterday!"

Cody: "And skunked Stewie!"

By now Stuart has approached the hatchet-wielding porcupine, and when the latter swings the weapon down, Stuart jumps to the side to avoid the attack. He then grips the hatchet with his mouth and forepaws and yanks it out of the porcupine's paws. The porcupine turns around and tries to jump backwards to give Stuart a taste of its quills, but Stuart swings the hatchet down and hits the porcupine with the blunt end hard enough to get to the rodent's body beneath the quills. The porcupine groans and whines as it runs away.

The only animals that haven't been dispatched are the squirrel and otters. Those animals take defensives stances, no doubt more cautious after seeing the greatest of their group bested by Stuart. The pet skunk gets closer, still holding the hatchet in his mouth. Once in attack range, Stuart's eyes look down at the hatchet, then at the remaining animals. Stuart drops the hatchet, intending to finish the squirrel and otters himself. But he never gets the chance, because he intimidated the rodent and mustelids so much, that they run away.

Like a hardcore action hero, Stuart snorts in satisfaction with a smug look on his face. Multiple high-pitched screams make the domesticated skunk turn around, expecting a sneak attack. But it's a sneak-group-hug by the Robinsons who pick him up and smother him with kisses and praises.

Mr. Robinson: "You were amazing, Stuart!"

Cody: "A one-skunk army!"

Brody: "We are SO sorry for how we treated you last night!"

Mrs. Robinson: "Forgive us for everything we said and did!"

Mr. Robinson: "We promise to never do that stuff to you ever again!"

Cody: "You're gonna be spoiled like never before!"

Brody: "For saving us from that honey badger, and all those other wild animals!"

Mr. Robinson: "But why didn't the skunks spray Stuart?"

Mrs. Robinson: "Because they had 'run out of ammo' after skunking him yesterday."

Mr. Robinson: "Ah, makes sense."

Cody: "This has been one heck of a morning!"

Brody: "Yeah, I can't wait for us to go to school and tell our friends and classmates what happened."

Mrs. Robinson: "Then let's go back in there and finish our breakfast."

Mr. Robinson: "But not before we give Stuart the proper 'breakfast of champions' that he deserves!"

The Robinsons keep cradling Stuart in their arms as they walk back inside, gather up some of their extra scrambled eggs and bacon to reheat, and get some fresh fruit from the refrigerator. It's the most satisfying meal Stuart has ever had.

And all the microwave noise, chit chat, and smells of delicious food masks the humans' noses from picking up the noise and smell of the hedgies re-entering the house and going back into the basement using the secret wall panel in the closet.

Once the humans leave for school and work, Stuart makes his way to the basement where he can join his new friends for some more celebration.

De'Ausha: "There he is!"

Ladarius: "You were perfect out there, kid!"

Stuart: "You guys were great too!"

Niara: "But you was the GOAT."

Stuart: "Thanks, Niara."

Robin: "But don't forget it was my son's brilliant idea of making friends with Stuart that made this all possible."

Nick: "We're so proud of you, AJ, for learning from our mistakes."

AJ (bitterly): "I'm well aware of that, mom and dad."

Robin: "Not even a 'thank you' for our compliments, son?"

AJ (sarcastically): "Alright, 'thanks.' "

Nick: "That wasn't sincere."

AJ: "I know. (Rhetorically) "You've treated me bad for so long, and now you're treating me good? It's only a matter of time before you treat me bad again."

Robin: "Alfred Junior, son..."

Hearing his mom say those three words makes AJ instantly give his parents his full attention.

Robin: "You showed us respect and obedience when we abused you and raised you to be ruthless..."

Nick: "But now that we are trying to raise you with love and compassion, you act like a disrespectful punk?"

Robin: "We have changed, son. And have changed for you. Almost dying a slow and painful death from snake venom makes a mink like me change their ways."

Nick: "The same goes for me when I almost lost my mate. Robin is the perfect companion for me. She loves me more than my neglectful parents did. They wanted nothing to do with me, and would rather spend time with each other and their friends than raise their own flesh and blood. Without her and you, I'd be all alone again."

Robin: "The thought of dying without having the time to fix all the wrongs I've done was the scariest part. No parent wants to die knowing their kid hates them. My parents abused me and my brother, which is why I thought that was the proper way to raise a kid. But thanks to Boombata and Nukalawa I finally realized that was wrong."

Nick: "Don't turn into us, how we once were, AJ."

AJ: "I...never knew you cared that deeply for me, mom and dad."

Robin: "Get used to it, son. Because that's how we're going to be for the rest of our lives."

Nick: "Like a true family."

AJ is able to ignore the pain from his injuries as he stands up and walks over to his parents and wraps an arm around each. "Thanks mom and dad...That's all I've ever wanted."

The other animals had stopped talking to listen and watch how things with the mink family played out. Satisfied that all is now well amongst those three mustelids, everyone is ready to shift focus back to the success of today's fake-out fight.

Ladarius: "Anyway, perfect timing when I jumped up to make it look like you tossed me up, eh Stu?"

Stuart: "Yes sir, Mr. Ladarius."

Ladarius: "You can call me 'Der' now, kid. Somethin' only my closest friends and family can do, 'cuz you earned it."

Quillo: "And thanks to Ronny's periscopes, the ones stuck down here with injuries saw the whole thing."

Ronny: "We cut holes in the vented grating and I found some spare plastic pipes to make the 'scopes longer. It was flawless!"

Boombata (concerned): "I did not hurt you too much, did I beloved?"

Nukalawa: "It take more than claw and teeth to hurt me, Boombata."

Boombata (smug look): "I thought so."

Stuart: "Now that my owners are gone, let's go get you all some food."

Rachel: "And I've thought of a way to throw them off our trail when they notice their food is gone. Do you have a leash, Stuart?"

Stuart: "Yes ma'am, Mrs. Rachel."

Rachel: "Perfect. We'll put it on you and tie you to a piece of heavy furniture."

Stella: "And use the wife's makeup to give you fake bruises and scratch marks to make it look like you tried to stop us."

Jay: "Now that we've 'been defeated by you,' it'll look like we came back for revenge."

Damon: "That way you won't be blamed again."

Stuart: "You guys're brilliant! Where do you get these ideas from?"

Tiger: "Years of living in a family with raccoons and turtles as our leaders."

Niara: "When we healed up and take out the predators after us, we'll introduce you to 'em, Stu."

Stuart: "I love you—to."

Sadly, Stuart's quick thinking isn't fast enough.

Damon: "OOOoooooOOO!" (Singing) "Stuart likes Niara, Stuart likes Niara!"

Hammy (singing): "Stuart and Niara—"

Aaron (ditto): "—Sitting in a tree—"

Sam (ditto): "—K-S-S-S-S-N-G."

Scarlet: "It's K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Sam."

Sam: "Daww, I do that every time!"

Damon (singing): "First comes love then comes—hey!"

De'Ausha has grabbed Damon by the scruff of his neck with her paw and says, "That's enough, son."

Ladarius: "Besides, the joke died when Scarlet corrected Sam."

Aaron: "How about less talk, and more eat?"

The others agree and get to the kitchen. And later on when the Robinson's return and see Stuart leashed to the metal bar stool and looking like he had lost a fight, the humans are none the wiser that they have been fooled yet again.

---

As evidenced by Group 1's and 5's capers, the hedgies are ironically busier than they would normally be even though they are hiding in houses; if only to keep themselves occupied and not bored.

Case in point: ever since yesterday's raids, the kids in Groups 3 and 4 have taken up scouting and spying as a hobby. Having been raised by some of the cleverest parents in the animal kingdom, the kids decide to give their efforts the codename "Burb Watchers Guide."

Note: the following is based on the Over the Hedge Comic Strip dated February 6-8, 2023.

The attic where Group 3 is staying has four wooden seams positioned at the front, back, left, and right side of the house which enables the animals to view things from four directions.

Marty: "Remind me why we doin' this again—besides jus' gettin' more observation practice?"

George: "Humans do so many nature documentaries on animals without their consent, it's time we do the same."

Gerald's and Miranda's kids are looking out the wooden seam facing the back of the house with the aid of binoculars.

Miranda: "What've you got for us, kids?"

Gerald: "And don't forget to structure your words according to the Burb Watcher's Guide."

Jessie: "We're looking at the Ample-Bellied Sud-Sucker."

Max: "He's a shirtless, fat Caucasian man."

Wyatt: "Sitting in an all-white curved lawn chair."

Wendy: "With shorts, flipflops, and a beer hat that has two beer cans on the left and right side."

Max: "He's also holding one more can in his hand and listening to an iPod."

Martha: "Great description. What his range is?"

Wyatt: "Worldwide."

Wendy: "His migration pattern: porch to fridge and sometimes back again."

Jessie: "His go-to song: 'I Like Beer' by Tom T. Hall."

Wyatt: "Wait, something's going on...Oh! He fell off the chair."

Max: "But didn't spill his beer...A miracle of evolution developed from years of lazing around with beer to the point where his hand and head structures have become well-adapted to gripping and maintain balance, but not his body."

Jessie: "I don't know half of what you just said, big brother, but where'd you learn to talk like that from?"

Max: "From my real but now step-mom, Pat."

Pat: "You inherited my intelligence and always took a liking to me, Maxwell. I guess it's true when they say all boys fall in love with their mothers first."

Wendy: "And I'm more like dad. I observe things very well, but can't think of creative things to say about them in-the-moment, but can later after some thinking."

Bernard: "How's your observation going, kids?"

Ro-J, Reagan, Jack, and Kelly are looking out of the wooden seam on the house's left side and use their binocs to peer through the next-door neighbor's window in a bedroom where a TV is on top of a dresser. Reagan and Ro-J look out one eye piece of their binoculars each, while Jack and Kelly do the same with their pair of binocs.

Ro-J: "There's a Caucasian woman with brown hair, gold-plated ear rings, and a short sleeve red flannel shirt on."

Reagan: "We hereby dub thee: The Common Suburban Loon because she kneeling in front of the TV and talking to it as if it can hear her."

Jack: "Her range is all of North America."

Kelly: "Her migration pattern: News Channel to fridge, and always back again."

Jack: "Her go-to song's gotta be nothin' besides 'Who Can It Be Now?' by Men at Work."

The news anchor on the TV says, "They're coming to replace you!"

The Common Suburban Loon gazes zombie-like into the TV and says, "They're coming to replace me!"

Reagan and Ro-J can see the woman's face from the reflection of the TV when it shows some footage taken from last night, making the screen mainly black in color.

Ro-J: "Her eyes are melting..."

Reagan takes out a piece of paper and pen to write down something she says aloud. "That's what happens when you fly too close to certain politicians."

Jacoby: "Good thing we animals don't need to worry 'bout that kinda thing."

Maury: "True dad. But what we do gotta worry about is humans like the one me and Lucas, lookin' at. He's a skinny Caucasian man wearing a blue flannel shirt, brown pants, and has no hair on his head. Or, as I'll call him from now on: The Bald Legal Eagle. He's squatting down holding a vernier caliper in one hand, and is now picking up a blade of grass with the other."

The man glares and yells at the grass blade, "1/32nd of an inch too long...! J'Accuse!"

This is none other than the EFE's HOA President Rowan Beck, but is in his casual attire and not wearing a toupee. One might also think he is doing his job, but he's actually going through his regular morning routine of inspecting his yard after waking up.

Lucas: "His go-to song is undoubtedly 'Every Breath You Take' by The Police. His range is Homeowners' Association."

Maury: "Migration pattern: Never, cause that stick up his butt has entered his brain."

Lucas (snarky): "What brain?"

Maury: "Ha-ha! Good one, lil' man! Put a there!"

Ty: "Let's text all of your observations to Group 4. After all, we're in a contest against them to see which Burb Watchers' subjects and findings out-class the others."

---

Ever since Lucas's joke and while the skunk high-fours and the bat high-threes, Marilyn grins and Owen grimaces at how it seems her snarkiness has passed to their son. Owen was dreading this day but knew it was only a matter of time, especially when he got to know Marilyn better as they dated.

Growing up, Owen's friends loved to mess with him because he had a hard time telling whether or not they were kidding. Whenever he thought they were being serious he said or did things that made him look like a gullible fool who didn't understand how folks interact with each other, much to his friends' amusement, and to his annoyance. He's always had a tendency to take things seriously at all times because life isn't something you want to fool around with. Occasional jokes are tolerable, but constantly playing mind games could lead to embarrassing social moments at best, and terrible things at worst.

Owen always figured he should blame his parents for raising him the way they did for his all-serious demeanor since they rarely joked and got things done without any lollygagging. They were the model parents for hard work, eyes on the prize, get down to business, and no horsing around. Although that has made him into the reliable and diligent bat he is today, it's also why his interpersonal skills could use a bit more work, even as an adult.

Fortunately, that's why he fell in love with and later married Marilyn; because she has taught him how to better determine when someone is joking around or being serious. At first she thought it was kind of cute how his tendency to take everything others said and did seriously made him look so naïve. But after finding out how he was really hung up on this, and how others started bullying him for it, she pitied him and discretely pointed out whenever someone was kidding.

He also helped curb her snarkiness which was taking a toll on her social life as well. For reasons Marilyn will never fully understand, she has always had a knack for sardonic humor. Poking fun of others' mistakes and calling them out on foolish moments in a sarcastic way was something that has been second-nature to her ever since becoming a teenager. She did it to her sisters, to her extended family, and animal friends. The former two were able to accept that as a part of who she was with relative ease, but the latter did not. She hurt a lot of animals' feelings and made herself look like an unlikable prick who takes pleasure in others' misery, when all she was trying to do was have a little fun and lighten the mood. It probably helped that she couldn't see the faces of those she mocked, but she could certainly hear their words and voice tones.

Simon and Celine did their best to fix their oldest daughter's attitude, but like most parents, once she turned 20, they figured they had done everything they could and let her handle her life and for her to discover how to interact with others on her own. Marilyn didn't make snide remarks constantly like she used to, but the occasional instances she did—which could be considered the equivalent of one-liners rather than dialogue—were still enough to make her seem like an anti-social jerk looking for attention.

Then she met Owen and learned how to better respect others' feelings, to keep her snarkiness limited to situations that are genuinely funny instead of based on misery, and to only be snarky once others have gotten to know her better.

Like true soul mates, Marilyn and Owen complete each other by sharing their strengths while helping with their weaknesses; the small things and the big things alike.

---

Thanks to their new ally Mittens, Dalton and Haley believe some of their fans, extension cords, movies, books, and food were stolen by criminals who hacked the home security system prior to infiltrating the home at night. This has sent the two homeowners on some errands to replace the things that were taken, leaving the home empty for at least until after 4PM.

Group 4's attic has only two wooden seams with one facing the house's front and the other facing the house's back. As Ty had mentioned, today's Burb Watching Guide is a competition to see if Group 4's observers can find wackier suburbanites and come up with crazier commentary. But not all the kids are participating.

Mary, Elroy, and the joeys are playing a game the two opossum-blooded adults have invented called "T-Rex," which is based off the same popular dinosaur movie series that the Quad Squads' Raptor Attack game was inspired from. Since those movies famously (though inaccurately) proclaimed that T-Rexes can't see you if you don't move, the rules for T-Rex are that the one who is It pretends to be a T-Rex and can only get closer to the other participants if they are moving. If the participants stand still, the It-person has to act like they can't see the others. Similar to hide-and-seek, there's a safe "base" the other participants must try to run for, but if one or more are lightly bitten by the T-Rex, s/he will be It next; with the last one being eaten becoming It if more than one is attacked before getting to the base.

The family of five are having a blast, even Elroy who is enjoying spending time with the joeys for a change. Things become more interesting—and chaotic—when Mary and Elroy thought of new ways to tweak their game, such as the T-Rex being able to smell prey, cause involuntary movement from ground quakes made with heavy footsteps, and the participants being able to use T-Rex rifles or grenades.

All of this is too fun for them to want to spy on humans.

Lyra and Houston are helping with the contest, but Scott is literally nose-deep into a mystery comic that had been stolen from the humans yesterday, while Beverly and Delilah are binge-watching the DVD set of the crime-drama show Numbers that had also been abducted.

Lauren is spending time with Mittens downstairs after her siblings' cold attitude toward her made her feel unwelcomed. Rebecca and Garrett are currently trying to fix this by having a talk with them.

This means the kids who are competing in the Burb Watchers Guide contest are Frank, Camile, Chloe, Chris, and Connie. Frank has been wearing a dust mask to help with his asthma since the animals are no longer in an open-aired area. To reduce sibling-bias and to forge bonds that can hopefully mend past wounds, Frank is paired with Connie, while Camile and Chloe are with Chris. The former two are looking out of the front of the house while the latter three are looking out the back.

Note: the following is based on the Over the Hedge Comic Strip dated February 9-10, 2023.

Using two telescopes to peer into the across-the-street-house's living room, Frank and Connie see a sight that would make even Mary Poppins call it quits.

Connie: "Two parents—the dad in a blue suit and the mom in a purple dress—are out-matched by their two three-year-old sons."

Frank: "The dark-brown haired one is biting his dad's left leg like a wild animal—even by wild animal standards. He's latched on and he's not letting go, no matter how hard the dad shakes his leg. I can also see a fresh human kid-sized bite mark on the mom's leg, so let's classify them as 'The Tiny Tufted Knee Eaters.' "

Connie: "The red-shirted, blue jeaned, red-head kid is riding their brown coonhound dog beneath the mom's legs, and the dog looks like he has no choice but to accept his being a tool to go along with the hijinks."

Richie: "So what's their range, son?"

Frank: "From Mom, dad, and occasionally the dog."

Christopher: "How about their migration, Connie?"

Connie: "Migration pattern is mom to dad to dog to dad to mom to...cycle repeats."

Frank: "I can think of the perfect go-to song: 'Born to Be Wild' by Steppenwolf."

Connie: "That's too easy and cliché. How about something ironic and dry-humored, like, uh, 'I Love You' by Barney—on repeat!"

Both kids and all parents laugh and/or chuckle.

Frank: "Man, imagine me getting out-raccooned by a mink..."

Connie: "I guess I have a little more experience bullying, that's why."

Wanting to change the suddenly uncomfortable topic, Houston asks, "So what're your closing thoughts on the humans?"

Frank and Connie look back into their telescopes, with Connie first concluding, "And they say children are the future."

Frank reclaims his raccooness, by saying, "Uh-oh..." and letting the listeners fill in the blanks.

Lucille then asks the kids looking out the back wooden seam, "What're the humans doing on your side?"

Chris: "It's just one human, Mrs. Lucille."

Camille: "A plump young man with red hair, glasses, a green flannel shirt, blue jeans, and goatee."

Chloe: "He's staring into his computer monitor while typing his keyboard so fast that it's making Peck sounds repeatedly. He's so immersed that his tongue is sticking out of the left side of his mouth."

Camille: "Let's dub him, 'The Redheaded Screenpecker.' His range is simple: parents' basement."

Chris: "His migration pattern is just as easy: iPhone to iPad to iMac."

Chloe: "His go-to song will be 'Mr. Roboto' by Styx."

Lyra does the Robot dance why robotically chanting, "Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto!" repeatedly.

Houston joins in the song's secondary chorus, "Thank you very much, Mr. Roboto; For doing the jobs that nobody wants to; And thank you very much, Mr. Roboto; For helping me escape, when I needed to."

Cassie changes the subject by asking, "Is he doing college work, writing a fan fiction story, or programming binary?"

After looking through their binoculars, the kids' answers are most unexpected.

Chloe: "He's on an online dating site..."

Chris: "And all that pecking he's doing on the keyboard hasn't stopped or slowed down a beat."

Camille: "The heart is one lonely keyboard pecker."

Chris: "That's deep and funny. Where do you come up with this?"

Camille: "It's all part of being a raccoon, I guess."

Chloe: "But you're pretty fun to be around when you're nice, Chris."

Frank: "Same goes for you, Connie."

Connie and Chris in unison: "Thanks."

Camille: "But you're probably nice to all your other friends, and just mean to those you wanna bully, right?"

Chris: "It's a little more complicated than that. Um..."

He looks at his sister from across the room. After their eyes meet and they agree silently on something they nod and then face the raccoon(s) near them.

Connie: "Let's talk more about that. Together."

Unsure of where this will go the raccoon siblings all say, "Okay," in confusion, but otherwise are down for it.

The two minks and three raccoons climb down to the main level of the attic and sit together. When they look at their parents, the adults nod and, agreeing that this is something their children have to settle on their own, they turn their backs to them and start texting the observations to send to Group 3 for comparison.

Frank: "So what do you wanna talk about?"

Chris: "We don't have any other animal friends besides the other minks we hang out with. And long before that, my sister and I were the only friends we had."

Connie: "And ever since training with Boombata and Nukalawa, we realized just how valuable multi-species friends really are."

Chris: "But...we think it's too late for that. The whole skunk sector saw how we treated our opponents at the duel, how ruthlessly we attacked the other team."

Connie: "And the whole forest knows that we gassed you, Frank, and rubbed it in."

Camille: "It was your parents who rubbed it in, not you."

Chris: "Doesn't matter. The 'sins of the father and mother' as they say..."

Frank, Camille, and Chloe in unison: "Oh..."

Connie: "And you're not the only ones we've done terrible things to, either. I guess...I guess we just don't know how to react to making friends with other animals. Because we never thought we'd ever make friends with other animals besides minks."

Chloe: "Is being mean the only reason you don't have any friends besides other minks?"

Connie: "No. It's also because we...uh..."

Chris: "Oh what the hay, let's just say it: because we stink. Alright. Nothing ruins a first impression more than smelling bad. And we hate that about ourselves. No matter how many kinds of shampoo, cologne or perfume we've tried, our stink is too powerful for those to work."

Connie: "Yeah...Only other minks can tolerate our odor. And our parents would always tell us that no one would ever like us except minks. And they were right. Every time we've tried to hang out with other animals, they teased us by calling us, "Stink-Mink and Mink-Stink."

Chris: "Or Mr. and Mrs. PeeYew. That made us really hate animals besides minks."

Connie: "I'm surprised none of you have been pinching your noses or complaining about our stench."

Frank: "We're more used to smelly odors than most other animals because we hang out with friends and their parents who are skunks."

Chris: "But aren't you wearing that mask so you don't smell us? Because we learned that day that bad smells make asthma worse."

Frank: "There's a lot of things that make asthma worse like pollen, dust, smoke, air pollution, and all strong odors—even good ones like perfume and cleaning spray. I'm mainly wearing this to protect me from dust."

Camille: "Yeah, cause out of all the rooms in human homes, attics are the ones they never bother to clean."

Chloe: "Just walking around kicks up dust that could hurt our big bwother." (Hugs Frank)

Frank (hugs Chloe back): "No worries, wittle sister, I'm a strong asthmatic kid like ma and pa said." (Looks at the minks) "And let's be honest, we all smell bad from not bathing since we got here four days ago. This mask is to protect me from everyone's odors—even my own—not just yours and Connie's, Chris. And while it does help with my asthma, it makes me hotter than normal."

Connie: "So all this time, we've been looking for non-mink friends in the wrong places..."

Camille: "But our family isn't like typical raccoons. Like we said before, we grew up hanging around other animals besides our own species. And it was our pa who started that tradition. He got along great with other animals, except hybrids."

Frank: "Yeah, he used to be a bully too, and made fun of Mrs. Mary and Mr. Bernard for being opossacoons. He and his friends called them names, refused to let them play with him, and even encouraged his non-hybrid friends to beat up Mrs. Mary and Mr. Bernard."

Chloe: "But after those two used their hybrid abilities to save one of pa's friends from falling to her death, he liked hybrids."

Camile: "More than that, he wanted Aunt Pat to marry Bernard more than she did."

After connecting a few more unspoken dots together in his head, Chris remarks, "Dag nab...Your dad really changed."

Frank: "And he changed fast. But even pa didn't change as fast as Mr. Kale and Mrs. Clara. Mr. Kale started out as a real wolf who hunted and hated all prey animals, but then he liked and protected them. And Mrs. Clara's belly scars were given to her by Kale when they fought each other nearly to death because they were worst enemies. Then she changed her ways thanks to him, and now they're married."

Camille: "The whole point we're trying to make is that if pa, Kale, and Clara can change their ways, then so can you. It's never too late to become a better girl or boy."

Chloe: "Whether you smell bad or not—oops!"

She covers her mouth with both paws, but what's said has been said. She does get a bad look from both Chris and Connie, and prepares for them to revert back to their bullying ways.

Chris and Connie sigh and shake their heads in dismay in perfect unison. They then look at each other and Chris starts the conversation with, "Why try to deny it?"

Connie: "When it's a big part of who we are?"

The mink siblings now look at the concerned Chloe who stammers out, "I'm so sorry! It slipped out, honest!"

Chris says something most unexpected when he rhetorically asks, "What's a little teasing among friends?" The raccoons raise their masked eyebrows but before any thoughts can form in their heads, Chris now cheerfully says, "You smell worse than uh-us, dumpster-diving raccoon!"

From here on out, all the kids speak in a playful tone, as former enemies have gone from reluctantly cooperating, to getting along, and have now ultimately become friends.

Chloe: "Uh-uhhhh-uh, you do minks!"

Connie: "No way! You smell like a wet dog mixed with hot garbage. Even stink would say 'you stink!' "

Chris: "And we would know."

Camille: "You sure would!"

Frank: "Yeah. I can still smell you through my mask! It's like week-old roadkill so strong even flies won't go near it!"

Chris: "The joke's on you, 'cuz raccoons are known to eat roadkill. Your breath smells so bad I can smell it past your mask!"

Connie: "We can't help being stinky, it's how our whole species is. But you raccoons choose to be stinky, so we win!"

Frank: "Why—"

Camille: "—you—"

Chloe: "—little!"

The three racoon siblings rush forward and gently tackle the mink siblings to the floor, where all five start having a blast while play-fighting.

Having long ago finished sending the Burb Watcher's Guide results, Richie, Lucille, Christopher, Cassie, Houston, and Lyra continue to smile as they watch the children have their fun.

Christopher and Cassie look at Richie and Lucille.

Christopher: "If our kids can make amends with those they mistreated..."

Cassie: "Despite of our improper upbringing, then so can we."

The adult minks shake paws with the adult raccoons.

Richie: "All is forgiven."

Lucille: "We're burying the hatchet."

Houston: "Let's not tell them they've lost the Burb Watcher's Guide contest, unless they ask about it."

Lyra: "Yeah, it'll spoil their fun. Anyway, let's go be with our kids, Houston."

Houston: "Yep."

Having heard most of their kids' conversation, Cassie looks at Richie and asks him, "So you bullied others too?"

Richie: "I was just a kid back then who didn't know any better."

Christopher: "Was it because your parents bullied you?"

Richie: "No. Worse. It was because I wanted to look and sound tough around my friends."

Lucille: "Bet'cha wanna hear the whole story of my mate's reform?"

Christopher: "Yes."

Cassie: "If you don't mind."

Christopher: "I bet Cassie and I will learn something from it and change our parenting ways."

Richie: "Well, it all started when..."

As the listeners hear Richie's story of redemption, they learn many lessons on bullying, humility, punishment, and most of all reward.

---

A whole different kind of talk has been going on with Rebecca, Garrett, and their kids. They wish they could find a private area out of earshot and eyesight from the others, but they no longer have that luxury. But taking a note from Mary's and Elroy's talk with Claire and Bert yesterday, the other animals in the attic keep doing their own things with their backs turned to the family of six, and with their hearing ignoring what the raccoon family is saying.

What had happened to facilitate this talk was when Lizzy had gotten excited about the Burb Watcher's Guide contest and said, "Yeah! That sounds like so much fun! We're gonna beat the others, hard!" She then looked at her injured siblings to offer them in a serious tone, "I'll even help carry those who want it. It's the least I can do."

Gary responded in bitter rhetoric, "Yeah, you sure do like beating others, don't you?" He ended by pointing to his heavily bruised and bandaged body while saying, "As you can clearly see."

Lauren: "And you're gonna need to do a lot more than offer to carry us to make up for what you did."

Rebecca: "Gary and Lauren, she's trying to care for you like a big sister should."

Gary: "And you're caring about defending her more than us! Her victims!"

Garrett: "All your mother and I have done since that tragic day is give you five our full, undivided attention and care. We've been neglecting Lizzy as part of her punishment to nurse you back to health."

R3: "But you still haven't punished her enough for what she did!"

While Rebecca and Garret had spoken to Gary and R3, Sare had told Lizzy in a hushed yet harsh tone, "Not to mention you're still a backwards, sick, and twisted gay-gal."

Lizzy: "Stop calling me those kind of things!"

Sare: "Make me by turning into your homo-cidal self."

Losing her temper, Lizzy shouted, "If you're all gonna keep treating me like this when I'm doing my hardest to be nice to you, then you're not my brothers and sisters anymore!"

Lizzy had yelled so loudly, that all the other animals couldn't ignore her and had looked over at her with confused gazes. Feeling utterly humiliated, Lizzy storms toward the attic hatch while announcing, "I'm going to spend time with Mittens. He treats me better than my own ex-siblings!"

Knowing some tough-love parenting from Garrett and Rebecca will follow, the other animals quickly turned around to do their own things and keep their backs to the raccoons for the remainder of their conversation. To further drown out the raccoons' words, the other animals speak louder, put on noise-canceling headphones, or turn up the volume of their electronics. Haley and Dalton aren't home, so there's no threat of being discovered.

It starts off with Rebecca and Garrett scoffing in disgust, then slapping Gary, Lauren, R3, and Sare. After each sibling had said "Ouch!", Rebecca grabs Sare and R3 by the scruff of their necks and Garrett couches down in front of Gary and Lauren and grabs their arms in a vise-like grip.

Rebecca: "That's it! We've had enough of you kids' attitude!"

Garrett: "We want it all. Everything you don't like about Lizzy. Every reason you think your mom and I aren't doing a proper job as your parents. We want every one of your complaints to spill out of your mouths, and we're going to fix you kids once and for all. Start." (1)

Gary: "She nearly killed me!"

Lauren: "And bit off part of my ear!"

Rebecca: "That was the reason you two got angry at her back when she did that. Why are you still treating her like she's your worst enemy?"

Gary: "Because of my injuries I can't play with my friends or move around on my own. Heck, I can't even relieve myself without someone else helping me. It's humiliating and maddening."

Lauren: "And other animals will make fun of my ear when we return to the forest. They'll think I'm weird and freaky."

Garrett: "As we've told you kids time and time again, the reason you're in your current state is because all of you ruthlessly insulted her, even when she repeatedly told you to stop and leave her alone."

Rebecca: "And if others view you as 'weird' and 'freaky' for a small chip in your ear, you'll actually have a small understanding of what Lizzy feels whenever you make fun of her for being gay."

Garrett: "She hurt you physically, but you all hurt her feelings. Broken bones and cuts will heal, but hurting her feelings because she's gay could take years to heal."

R3: "And why are you and mom always sticking up for her?! Is it because you love her more than us! That won't surprise me, since you loved each other more than us for the longest time!"

Sare: "Yeah! Lizzy hurt Gary and Lauren badly, and all you've done to her as punishment is ground her from watching TV, reading books, playing videogames, and playing with friends and family. And here you are giving us a lecture instead of giving her a beating!"

Rebecca: "Your father and I have whooped her, Sarah. It was while you all were fast asleep two nights ago. And having those privileges you mentioned taken away from her is like serving a prison sentence, only it's worse because all she can do is watch as everyone else has a good time."

"And we're sticking up for her, Rogan III, because you four keep trying to harass and get back at your oldest sister after she's been trying her hardest to make amends for what she did. Not once have we ever heard you say 'Thanks' or 'I forgive you.' And we understand if you need more time to forgive her, but you don't have be a bunch of constipatedly-angry jerks to her."

Garrett: "And while yes, your mother and I did love each other more than our five kits, we now love all of you evenly. Just because Lizzy is gay doesn't mean she is no longer your sister. You can hate her more, but never love her less. But you have been hating her more and loving her less. You can't erase and forget all the fun times you've had with each other just because she finds females more attractive than males."

Rebecca: "You're treating her like an outcast, a stranger, and someone who deserves to be hated. She is going to get that kind of flak from a lot of animals for the rest of her life. The love and support of her own family might be the only thing keeping her from committing suicide again. If she doesn't have her own biological family to accept her and love her for who she is—no matter who she is—she won't have anyone close to her age who can offset the negativity she'll be getting. How would you kids like it if your father and I constantly reminded you that this whole mess was your fault? That your words led Lizzy to lose it and attack you?"

Lauren returns to her even-tempered and conflict-resolving self when she hangs her head in shame and says, "I'd feel terrible..."

Her tone and shift in attitude once again influences her siblings who follow suit with their responses.

Gary: "I'd hate that..."

R3: "It would drive me mad..."

Sare: "I'd want to make you stop telling me those hurtful things too..."

Garrett: "So this proves just how close to Lizzy you four still are. You'd react the same way she would—which is the same way any animal would react when in the same situation. Lizzy's no different on the inside than any heterosexual animal."

Rebecca: "And while your father and I didn't plan on Lizzy being homosexual, and were surprised ourselves when we found out, she is still our daughter, and she's still your sister. We could fully love her for that one reason, but we love her and all of you for so much more."

Garrett: "That's why whenever we see and hear you four mistreat Lizzy, it breaks your mom's and dad's hearts because it makes us want to regret having kits in the first place. After all, what's the point of starting a family if they can't love each other as family? Your mom and I were guilty of that for so long, and we don't want you kids to repeat our mistake."

Rebecca: "It's bad enough being neglectful, but it's worse to be haters. And while there are many families who hate each other for whatever reasons, ours doesn't have to be like that if we can help it."

Garrett: "And we can fix this about our family. And I'm not talking about all of our extended biological and friend-family, I'm talking about just the seven of us. But that all depends if you want to accept Lizzy for who she is, and love her unconditionally like you used to."

Rebecca: "She still loves all of you despite all that you've said to her."

Lauren: "But didn't she just disown us?"

Gary: "Because of what we said to her...You're right mom and dad..."

Sare: "About everything."

R3: "We promise to love Lizzy even if she's gay."

Lauren: "And thank you for becoming better parents for us."

Garrett: "Yes, for you, our kits. That'll be the reason Rebecca and I will do everything for from now on."

Gary: "But...uh..."

Rebecca: "What is it, Gary?"

Gary: "I don't know if I should..."

Garrett: "Tell us whatever is on your mind, son."

Gary: "I want to, but you might not like it, mom and dad." (Looks at his siblings) "And the rest of you might think badly of me."

R3: "That depends on what you have to say."

Sare: "But go ahead and get it off your chest."

Gary: "Okay...I still haven't forgiven Lizzy for what she did to me, but I promise that I will. I just need more time."

The uncomfortable silence puts Gary on-edge so much that he internally terror-jumps when Sare says, "That's so—" in a judgmental tone.

But she is interrupted by Garrett when he butts in with, "—Understandable." He pauses for the other kids to go "Huh?" while looking at him funny, then continues, "She did nearly kill you after all, so it makes sense that you'd still be angry with her."

Rebecca: "And thank you for sharing your honest feelings with us, Gary. That took a lot of courage."

Garrett: "I'd actually consider you crazy if you did just forgive her fully, even after the talk we've had."

All kids in unison: "Really?!"

Garrett: "Yes. And I think the reason why is because like me, you have a tendency to hold onto grudges. It took me five years to forgive Kale for killing my first mate.

Rebecca: "However, you can still be angry with Lizzy as long as you accept the truth that you were the one who caused her to attack you in the first place."

Gary sighs then mumbles out, "I know..."

Garrett: "I'm very proud of you, son. And because of that truth, you also shouldn't take five years to forgive Lizzy. Because holding onto that kind of anger is dangerous, Gary. Remember when your mom and I told you kids how her gay feelings almost cost her our relationship? Well, my hatred for Kale and my refusal to see how he had become a better guy since then almost did the same thing."

Rebecca: "Every time Garrett was in the same area as Kale, Garrett would spitefully insult him and rub in how he killed Garrett's mate Lizzy. I threatened to break up with your dad if he chose his revenge and hate for Kale over his love for me, because Kale was a part of my family. If he couldn't love my family, then he'd have no place in it."

With wide eyes and a voice of epiphany-like realization, Gary slowly says, "I see...Th-thanks mom and dad."

Garrett: "Yeah, we're hitting you with some deep stuff, aren't we? Get used to it, because now that your mom and I are going be true parents for you all, you'll be seeing a side of us you never knew existed."

Rebecca: "It'll certainly be a double-edged sword, but we promise that the goods will outnumber the bads."

The family of six group hugs with the parents adding in kisses—sealing their bonds as true mother, father, sister, and brother to each other.

When Lizzy returns to the attic she intends to ignore her ex-siblings, but gives her parents her full attention when they call her name. After all, her parents were the first to confess to her their past failures and how they would accept her even if she's gay. Right now, she loves them for that more than how they gave her life.

Garrett: "Lizzy. Your mom, siblings, and I have been doing a lot of talking while you were gone."

Rebecca: "And Gary, Lauren, R3, and Sare have some things they want to tell you. Please hear them out."

Garrett: "We promise you won't be disappointed."

After hearing the revelations and results of the long talk, Lizzy quickly finds herself in her siblings embrace accepting their requests for forgiveness, and offering her own for the thousandth time. And because of Garrett and Rebecca repeating the deep topic they had discussed with Gary, Lizzy doesn't feel too bad about him needing more time to forgive her.

From all of this raccoon family's interactions today as well as the past, Gary asks, "Why's our family so crazy and complicated?"

Garrett: "All families are like that. Not once in human or animal history has there been a truly perfect family where everyone got along without any stress or strife."

Rebecca: "It's fair to say there will never be a fully perfect family...But we're going to try our hardest to make ours as great as raccoonly possible."

All seven in unison confirm by saying, "Hear-hear!"

Note: (1)=Based on Star Wars X-Wing: Mercy Kill by Aaron Allston.

---

"How much longer do we need to wait for that mom to leave the house with her baby?" asks Carolina in an annoyed tone.

Although sharing her feelings with being cooped down in a dark and dank basement with little space and a hungry stomach, Plushie must serve as a voice of reason and tells his daughter, "I know you're eager to have a change of scenery and to fill your stomach, Carolina. But we have to keep toughing it out until the two leave."

Velma: "Besides, we had dinner last night and box turtles can go seven days without food. You're just not used to skipping a full day's worth of meals yet."

Isaac whispers to Jacob, "¿Tiene hambre? Las nutrias no podemos pasar unas horas sin comer debido a nuestro alto metabolismo, e incluso yo no me quejo."

Jacob: "Solo tiene seis años, Isaac. Déjala un poco de lado."

Drake: "We totally understood everything you two just said."

Annie: "Yeah, Isaac said, 'She's hungry? We otters can't go a few hours without food because of our high metabolism, and even I'm not complaining.' "

Drake: "And Jacob told him, 'She's just six-years-old, Issac. Cut her some slack.' "

Isaac: "Aw man, why couldn't you be like most Americans and not be so fluent in Spanish?"

Annie: "Because we're not like most Americans. 'Nuff said."

Drake: "Boosh! Put'a'there, sista!"

Out of all the children of the third generation of hedgies, Annie and Drake are the siblings that are closest to each other. Unlike most kids, these two never had a sibling rivalry, and instead have an unbreakable sibling bond. As twins they were born together, raised together, ate together, lived together, and played together. And while their biological cousins and the three wolves are like their siblings, Annie's and Drake's relationship is somehow deeper than that. They are each other's best friend and are fully comfortable (and more than glad) to let the whole world know this. They do so now by showing off their famous victory dance.

Annie and Drake give a single high-four while facing each other, then Annie turns around with her paws stretched out backwards where Drake low-fours her, then they swap positions so that Drake's paws are behind his back where Annie low-fours him. Then the two strike a dance pose where one arm is raised above their head and the other is stretched back (both palms open) as they do the Moonwalk with closed eyes. When they stop moving, they open their eyes and put the arm that was out back on their hip with bent elbows while lowering their raised arm to shoulder level all while looking at their viewers with toothless grins. Next, they face each other and lean forward with outstretched paws and open fingers. But when their fingers are just centimeters away from touching, they lean back as far as they can, then lean forward so far that they are balancing on one hindfoot as they pat each other on the shoulder—the porcupine equivalent of patting on the back, because actually doing the latter would result in injury—while looking and smiling at the two otters again.

Jacob taps a foot impatiently while Isacc gives a yawn of uninterest and boredom. But that doesn't stop the siblings from finishing their victory dance by running forward a bit and then sliding two feet forward on their knees on the blanketed floor while both arms are raised at upward-diagonal angles, all while giving a big grin that shows teeth.

Jacob imitates a sports whistle sound effect and hold up a small piece of yellow cloth.

Isaac speaks for his father when he says, "That's a yellow card for excessive celebration. One more penalty and you're gone." He then looks at Jacob while rhetorically asking, "But you know something else...?" Isaac faces the porcupine siblings while Jacob holds up a red cloth in his other paw and says, "You get a red card for shamelessly copying the victory dance from that retro videogame-based cartoon show about the plumbers and their pet dinosaur—specifically the episode about American football. You're gone!"

Drake: "Like you said, it was American football, so your warning system is null and void."

Annie: "Yeah, this isn't soccer, so use penalty flags instead of colored cards."

Jacob tosses a yellow cloth down and says, "¿Cómo ahora, vaca marrón?"

Drake: " 'How now, brown cow' you say? The maximum a penalty for excessive celebration is 15 yards, not disqualification."

Isaac and Jacob shake their heads side to side and sigh before replying "Americanos..." in defeated unison.

Annie: "You got something against 'Americans'?"

Isaac: "Just your megalomaniacal obsession with American football. And by the way, you two were raised by electronics as much as by Bucky and Emily, weren't you?"

Annie and Drake stand tall and proud as they reply, "Sí."

Drake: And they were raised as much by electronics as they were by grandpa Lou and grandmas Penny and Annette."

The father-son otters chuckle with a smile.

Jacob: "Tal padre, tal hijo."

Isaac: "Y tal madre, tal hija"

Issacc and Jacob then speak simultaneously, says "And we should know.../ Y deberíamos saber..."

Annie and Drake both understood that Jacob had priorly said "Like father, like son" and that Isaac had priorly said "And like mother, like daughter." The twins look at each other and grin then grin back at Jacob and Isaac. The porcupines then sit down in front of the otters and eagerly wait for them to tell the story. The other animals who have been listening and watching everything that's been going on between the twins and the otters then do the same.

Jacob grins and says, "No importa la edad que tengas, nadie es demasiado viejo para la hora del cuento."

Knowing that these two understood that Jacob had just said, "No matter how old you get, no one is too old for story time," Isaac skips the translation and jumps right into his first story.

Isaac: "Growing up, my papá was a big jokester, just like me. He always played practical jokes on his friends and family, or ended every conversation with a comedic one-liner. He figured that sometimes life's too dangerous and sad to go through without a laugh, so it's important to emphasize the humorous side of life. When he became my age, he started his own standup comedy act for the animals in the Amazon to enjoy. He was good too, and that's why he's so used to saying one-liners, much to that wolf Boxer's annoyance."

Drake: "So true. He thinks you sound like a fortune cookie that doesn't give a fortune, Señor Jacob."

Jacob: "No olvides contarles sobre—"

Isaac: "Don't worry, papá, I 'won't forget to tell them about' why you're so serious now. So because only peaceful animals showed up at his standup acts, he would make fun of predators. And boy, was my papá ruthlessly funny whenever he talked about them. It reached a point where his audiences began repeating what he said about predators to the predators. The prey were no longer afraid of them anymore; and the predators didn't like that.

"Normally, electric eels, jaguars, anacondas, black caimans, tarantulas, and harpy eagles never get along and oftentimes hunt each other. But with so many prey animals pointing and laughing at them whenever the predators were in sight instead of fleeing in fear, those predators set aside their differences and taught everyone a lesson. Rather than kill Jacob, which wouldn't silence the prey animals, the predators killed the audience animals."

There are a few quiet gasps, but most of the listeners remain silent yet fully invested in how this story that started out light-hearted and fun has taken a very dark turn—and in more ways than one mirrors their current predicament with the group of predators now after them.

Isaac then continues with, "That alone made Jacob want to never joke around again, but to add more guilt to his conscience, the friends and family of those who were killed blamed him. They verbally and sometimes physically threatened him with violence, and sometimes it wasn't just threats. A few even swore death threats, and..." After looking at Jacob, who nods yes, but with some watery eyes, Isaac now tells the worst part of the story, "They fulfilled their death threats, though not on Jacob, but on his family. My grandparents and great aunts and uncles were killed, but he was left alive—intentionally, so that he would feel the pain his comedy had caused so many other grieving animals."

Jacob: " 'El ojo por ojo' realmente ciega al mundo..."

Every animal understood that Jacob just said " 'An eye for an eye' truly makes the world blind...' " And they keep quiet as they listen to what hopefully will end happily.

Isaac: "Guilt-ridden, papá lost the will to live, and went the fasted route to the ocean. Since we're river otters, our bodies can't tolerate prolonged exposure to salt water. It burns the heck out of us and messes up our metabolism, but he wanted to die a slow and painful death as atonement for what he had caused. But as luck would have it, one of the ships that passed by him just so happened to be the very one my mamá was taking from Cuba to Brazil."

All eyes turn to Kay and she picks up the story. "I saw Jacob and called out to him, asking him how long has he been out at sea, and he just tried to shoo me off and told me that he was trying to die. Well, I wouldn't have any of that, and jumped in and saved him by bringing him back to shore. I nursed him back to health and helped him overcome his depression by teaching him better ways to handle his guilt. Chief of which was to start over new. We moved to an area of the Amazon far from where he grew up, and that's when he really got into helping others in need. It's his new way to atone for what happened to him and the other animals from his standup audience."

Skip: "But never again did he go back to being a joker. After where that had gotten him, he figured life is too short and dangerous to joke around with, since every moment could be one's last."

Isaac: "Fortunately, papá's funny genes were inherited by me, and I don't intend to say or do anything that will lead to the same ill fate as him."

Skip: "More like unfortunately, little brother. At least dad was actually funny, you're just a pain in the neck."

That snarky comment causes María to giggle, Kay and Isa to roll their eyes, and knocks the sibling rivalry back into the two adult otter brothers, with Isaac saying, "The neck does tend to ache whenever someone laughs too hard. So thanks for admitting I'm funny, Skip."

Skip: "It seems your hunger is messing with your brain. You're imagining things that aren't what they seem. You need a doctor."

Kay: "Oh Madre Naturaleza—Mother Nature—you two need to pipe down. It's times like this that I'm thankful I stopped at three pups."

Isa: "And Skip, you're not setting a good example for our daughter."

Skip: "*Sigh* You're right. Sorry. But remember, this is also why we decided to only have one pup, so there'd be no sibling rivalry."

Eloise: "Speaking of sibling rivalry, quiet down and listen to the humans."

The animals do as instructed and can overhear the three siblings two floors above having a fight.

The five-year-old daughter, named Samantha, whines, "Mo-om! Da-ad! Dana took my Barbie doll!"

The seven-year-old daughter, Dana, argues back, "It's my Barbie doll, and you were playing with it without my permission!"

The three-year-old son, Ulysses/Uly, whines "And they won't pway with me!"

The animals can overhear the mother sigh from the nursery, but it's the father who quickly makes his way upstairs and says, "All three of you, hush. Your mother's trying to put Lillian down for a nap."

All three siblings whine out, "But—" simultaneously.

"If you three don't start getting along for five minutes, we won't be going to McDonald's for dinner," interrupts the father.

Hearing this makes the animals silently pray the three kids will obey, because if all the humans go to McDonalds, it will give the hedgies the time needed to raid more food from the kitchen. To their relief, his threat quiets the kids down and they listen to his next words carefully.

Father: "Samantha: remember to ask for your big sister's permission before you play with her toys. Dana: be more willing to share your toy with Samantha. And Uly: you and Dana play with your train set."

Uly: "Yay! Twain set!"

Dana: "I do like helping him build the ramps."

Father: "That's more like it."

Samantha: "Can we watch our iPads?"

Father: "No. It's play time right now. You all watched an hour of your cartoons when you came home from school."

Samantha: "Okay."

The father walks back down the stairs to the sweet sound of his middle child being quiet while his oldest and second youngest play together in harmony. When he reaches the main floor of the house and enters the nursery, he tells his wife, "No more kids."

The wife nods and says, "Agreed."

As for Verne, he sighs and then looks at the others to rhetorically ask, "Y'know what I've come to realize after all these years of encountering humans?"

Everyone else asks, "What?" in unison.

Verne's answer, "They're us, and we're them," gets the gears inside the others' heads spinning. There is no need to mention examples, for those would be too numerous, so they instead focus on the five words Verne had just said.

Bucky: "Uncle Verne. Dude. I have got chills."

Rainer: "That was deep..."

Plushie: "Yet true..."

Emily: "You kidding? That's worthy of the great philosophers Plato, Socrates, Descartes, John Locke, and Confucious."

Jude: "My brother and I aren't as familiar with humans like the rest of you are, but from what little I've seen; yeah, you're absolutely right, Mr. Verne."

Sara: "Oh, I've been meaning to ask you something, Jude."

Jude: "What?"

Sara: "Where are your and Stratford's parents?"

Jude: "That's a long story."

Isa: "But please tell it. It'll keep our minds off our hunger until the family leaves for dinner."

Jude: "Alright. But I warn you, it's not a happy tale."

Annie: "Dude, our family has heard, or experienced themselves, lots of unhappiness and messed up backstories."

Drake: "Trust us. We can take it."

Jude: "Very well. Mom's parents died when she was little and she was adopted by my dad's family. But because they weren't really brother and sister, it was okay that they fell in love. What wasn't okay was when mom got pregnant with me before my parents were married when they were teenagers. That wasn't a problem with my grandparents, but was a problem with my parents' friends."

Stratford: "Grams and Gramps died before I was born, but from what Jude told me, they weren't good folks. They abused each other with hits and words, and did the same to our parents."

Jude: "Because of that, mom and dad relied on their friends for love and comfort since their home-life was the opposite. But many of their friends stopped being their friends once their parents found out that mom was going to have an illegitimate child."

Stratford: "Without friends, mom and dad spent more time at home, which quickly got worse and they decided to run away and live on their own. But because of how they were raised, they also raised Jude, and then me, in the same way their parents raised them: be mean to your enemies, fight, and always win to prove that you're strong."

Jude: "They also lived in a bad part of the woods with lots of animals fighting over food and territory every day. So both their nature and nurture were violent."

Fred: "WHY—I mean, why wouldn't they move to a better place?"

Jacob: "¿Y por qué tus padres nunca se separaron?"

Kay: " ' And why didn't your parents ever break up?' "

Jude: "I asked them the same things. To answer your question, Fred, because they were so good at fighting, they were the ones who would normally win the best food and territory. As long as they stayed on top, they were set. And to answer your question Mr. Jacob and Mrs. Kay, they said their bond as adopted siblings is what made them never want to break up. As spouses they couldn't stand each other, but as brother and sister they loved each other."

María: "That...sounds..."

Stratford: "Yeah, there could be volumes of encyclopedias cataloging how messed up that was. But just as they were closer as 'siblings', that's why my relationship with Jude is so strong. We at least took one good thing out of our parents' upbringing."

Jude: "We thought we took more good things, but ever since Nukalawa, Boombata, and the skunks in your family bested us, I now know that wasn't the proper way to raise someone. But even back then, I knew it was different from how most other animals raised their kids. I was just too young to do anything about it."

Stratford: "When I was born, things became more stressful for my family because now they had another mouth to feed, and a little kid to protect. I became a liability because mom and dad's bad neighbors would always target me which made our parents start to lose fights, and with it, food and territory."

Meredith: "But why would they have a second child if they—Unless...oh."

Stratford: "Yep. I was an accident, just like my big brother."

Jude: "But anyway, mom and dad blamed Stratford for their losses, but I was always willing to defend him because being a big brother was the only good thing about the time I spent with my parents."

Stratford: "Things took a turn for the worse three years ago when my completely stressed-out mom discovered crystal meth that some human drug dealers had left behind in the woods where they did one of their 'business transactions.' "

Jude: "She really liked it, because when she came home, she was a hyperactive, motor-mouthed, whack-job who wouldn't stop telling us how amazing it was. She tried to give some to us, but when we refused, she completely lost it. She attacked dad, Stratford, and me while going through every emotion in the book—screaming like a banshee the whole time."

Stratford: "Normally, dad would beat mom and win because he was bigger and stronger. That's why she would beat us because we were smaller and weaker than her. But when mom tried to kill us in her drug-fueled rage and he fought back, she overpowered him and...killed him."

Jude: "And she didn't just kill him, she mutilated his body."

The listeners are speechless.

Jude: "And she did that for hours, which allowed me and Stratford the time to run away as soon as we realized she was too focused with dad's corpse to notice us."

Stratford: "We stayed hidden for two days, long enough for us to presume the drug's effects wore off. But when we got back home, she was dead. Suicide."

Jude: "Our only guess was that once the drugs left her system, she realized what she had done, and then killed herself out of guilt."

Skip: "Dios mío..."

Verne: "I don't know why humans invented stuff like that, or why they use it. It's a self-serving and self-destructive habit that weakens the mind and body, when there are so many other ways to experience the feelings the drugs create—naturally without resorting to drugs in the first place."

Velma: "But without RJ telling us what drugs are and what they can do, one of us might have gotten curious like Jude and Stratford's mother..."

Jude: "In any case, I was 15 and Stradford was nine, which I'd say was as good an age as any for me to start raising him. We traveled from one place to another until we settled here after Stratford befriended Chris and Connie."

Stratford: "But we didn't know we were fighting on the wrong side until we faced off against the skunks in your family."

Bucky: "Yeah, I remember them telling us how you were the first minks to turn a new leaf after Nukalawa saved Stratford."

Stratford: "My big brother also became the ring leader of my mink friends when their parents started abusing them for losing."

Jude: "I know firsthand what it's liked to be abused, but also knew my strength alone wouldn't be enough to put an end to the mink parents. That was one of the reasons we wanted to train under your family and those African mustelids: it would give those other kids a chance to fight back."

Emily: "And from the text messages we've been getting from the other Groups, the parents have turned a new leaf too."

The feel-good moment ends when the basement doorknob turns and in comes the father. He stops at the doorway before going down the steps and tells his wife, "I think we left the sensory playmat down here."

The animals quietly get into their hiding spots that they have practiced like a fire drill. Most of the animals are small enough to fit behind furniture and boxes, but the badgers are so big that they have to leave their sides partially exposed and hope that the humans assume it's a fur coat laying out.

As with Group 6, the animals' lack of bathing every day immediately betrays them as the father comments, "What is that smell?" He walks down the steps with searching eyes, trying to decipher what's causing the unpleasant odor, but refocuses on getting the playmat for his infant daughter once he's on the floor. He finds it, walks up with it, then shuts the door.

The animals remain hidden and keep quiet which works in their favor because they overhear the father say, "Hey Mia. Don't panic but we might have mice or rats in our basement."

Mia: "Tell me you're joking, Will."

Will: " 'Fraid not. It smells like a zoo down there. Let's go ahead and leave so we can stop by the store to buy some mouse and rat traps."

Mia: "And if those don't work?"

Will: "Then we'll have to call pest control."

Mia: "Alright, just don't call those weirdos at Verm-Tech. I don't want them to leave around any traps that can hurt us or our kids."

Will: "Got it." (Raises his voice) "Hey kids!"

Dana, Samantha, and Ulysses in unison: "Yes daddy?"

Will: "Get your shoes on and use the bathroom. We're gonna leave soon because we got an errand to run before getting dinner."

All three kids say "Okay," and do as they're told.

Roughly 10 minutes later, the hedgies come up from the basement as soon as the front door closes as the family leaves, because not only do they need to get food from the fridge and pantry, they also need to search for air freshener and take baths in the main floor's tub. The badgers let the wounded animals ride on their backs so that everyone can get clean while others raid the food. While doing the latter, they follow Kay's suggestion to only get the food that the hungriest animals need, and plan on getting more at night when the family is asleep. In this way, they will delay suspicion when the humans return home since a fridge missing a few items is easier to overlook than an entirely empty one.

The bathers find some nearby baby shampoo, fill the bathtub with it, which they use to clean themselves, and give sponge baths to the wounded animals so their injury dressings don't come loose. When the food raiders are finished, they get baths as well. After emptying the tub in a way that makes sure all hair goes down the drain, everyone enjoys the clean smell they're all giving off.

Emily: "We don't have the time to use the hair dryer to dry off, we've gotta use the towels."

Meredith: "But the wet towels smelling like animals will let the humans know something is going on."

Plushie: "We know, but there's no choice. We can at least fold them and put them back where we found 'em."

Stratford: "It might be better for us to put them on the floor of the laundry room since the humans will just pick them up to put them in the wash."

Velma: "I think Stratford's idea is the best. Anyone else?"

The only responses are yes-nods, so the animals bring the towels into the laundry room and leave them on the floor. They finally head back into the basement and those who need to eat have their fill. The humans return when those animals are halfway through their meal, forcing the hungry ones to stop eating, for all to go into hiding, and listen closely.

Mia: "You three go upstairs to brush your teeth and get your PJ's on for bed."

Will: "But before that, go to the nursery and pick a book for us to read."

Dana, Samantha, and Ulysses say "Yay!" in unison and run into the nursery to select books.

Will: "I'll go put the traps in the basement. I'll be back up to help with the kids soon."

Mia: "Alright."

The first thing that Will notices when he opens the basement door is that the unpleasant musky odor has been replaced with the sweet smell of baby shampoo, which makes him more suspicious than ever.

Will says, "What's going on here?" and cautiously descends the stairs while observing his surroundings with keen eyes. He doesn't see anything by the time he reaches the floor, but decides to have a closer look, just in case. Like an animal, the man primarily uses nose to help him search, knowing that he's getting closer to answering this mystery the stronger the good smell is. The animals don't dare move, since the sound would draw the man's attention, but that also means he'll certainly see them the moment he looks behind the furniture and boxes.

Will is so close now that the animals hold their breath to further reduce sound. They see his head poking through behind the furniture, but just before his eyes can find them, Mia calls from upstairs, "Wi-ill! C'mon and help me put the kids to bed. You said you'd be back soon."

Will turns around and walks away while saying, "Coming. Sorry babe. Got distracted."

Mia's voice condescendingly says, "Well, it's too much work for one parent to keep our four kids distracted. Hurry up!"

Will shakes his head side to side and loudly says, "I'm coming, I'm coming" then lowers his voice to say "Yeesh..." in frustration.

When the basement door shuts, the animals talk from their hiding spots.

Verne: "That was too close! We have to think of something to do besides hide. He will find us when he comes back down here."

Plushie: "And you're not being too paranoid this time, BU Verne, but what can we do? If we try to stay hidden, he'll find us. And if we fight back, he'll know we're here."

Proving that they are not very bright, but have good hearts, the badgers are the first to suggest the first plan.

Sara: "Let's just leave for tonight, and then come back later."

Eloise: "Yeah. If we move quietly enough while the parents read their kids bedtime stories, they won't hear us."

Rainer: "And if worse comes to worse, at least they won't call Verm-Tech."

Everyone tilts their heads while looking at the badgers as if they had gone crazy.

María: "Are you kidding?! That's a terrible idea. We could get seen by other humans who will call Verm-Tech."

Rainer: "If you or anyone else has a better suggestion, we're all ears."

María is stumped and looks like a bigger simpleton than the badgers.

Suddenly, after Eloise breathes in through her nose, she perks up in alert mode and says, "Hey. Do you smell that?"

The animals sniff, with Rainer and Sara coughing from an awful stench that is all the smellier after the hedgies have just had baths.

Sara: "Ugghhh...That's like skunk plus urine."

Rainer: "And it's coming from outside."

Drake: "If it's this bad from in here, I do NOT wanna know how much more it stinks out there."

Although the badgers already know by now what is making the smell, it is Bucky and Emily who verbalize it, because they remember exactly what kind of animal makes that kind of stink.

Bucky and Emily in unison: "It's a bobcat."

Rainer, Eloise, and Sara in unison: "That's what we were gonna say."

Before anyone can ask if it is the bobcats that after them, Rufus's voice from beyond the basement window says, "Shoot! We've been burned, Lott."

Lott: "I told ya we should've bathed for an extra five minutes, pop."

The younger animals muse, "You smell this bad after bathing?!" while the adults try to quickly figure out what to do before the bobcats flee.

Knowing what must be done, Bucky and Emily find a nearby cabinet that contains decorative coffee mugs, get one out, and hurl it at the basement window. The glass breaks and the bobcats let out a hoarse, high-pitched yell in surprise. Most prey animals would have run away after that, but because bobcats are predators, Rufus and Lott stay to gloat.

Lott: "Hah! You've got lousy aim! Didn't even come near us!"

Rufus: "And we're not your average scaredy-domestic cats who're frightened off by loud sounds."

Lott: "And best of all: not only do we know which house you're staying in, but you've just created an entrance for us to use!"

The others look at Bucky and Emily with angry looks and say, "What were you thinking?!"

Bucky and Emily oddly give smirks and tell the bobcats (as well as their doubting family and friends), "We weren't aiming for you..."

Predators and prey alike let out a "Huh?!" in question, which is immediately answered when Will turns on some outdoor lights and opens a side door of the house that will take him directly to the window that was just shattered.

Will sneers in frustration, "What made that noise?—" Then becomes shocked at what he sees and describes, "AHH! Bobcats!" He quickly regains his composure, turns around to grab something from inside the house that's next to the door, and comes back out with a broom.

Will yells, "Get lost!" and throws the broomstick with pinpoint accuracy since he used to be an all-star javelin thrower back in high school. He was so good at it, that he tried out for the Summer Olympics, but sadly didn't make the cut. Even so, that kind of training never goes away, and the broom tip's handle hits Rufus square in the forehead.

Rufus goes, "Aaah-owwww!" more from annoyance than pain since he has had time to recover from most of his injuries and his strength has almost fully returned.

Will reaches back into the house and comes up with a can of soup and says, "You too!" then chucks it at Lott.

The younger bobcat dodges and is about to pounce, planning to end this with a hit to the human's jugular vein, when Rufus says, "No! Retreat!"

Trusting the words of his father, the two felines run off into the night. Will glares at them until he can't see them anymore. When the latter happens, he narrows his eyes and says, "So you're the ones who were in our basement..." in realization. "Don't know how you got inside the first time, but I know where you're gonna go if you try that again. I'm calling animal control first thing in the morning…But right now, I've gotta take care of a few things."

He returns inside to inform his family what had just happened, then gets Mia's permission to use part of a cardboard box to block up the broken window which he thankfully sets up outside. Once he has finished the work and goes back in to take care of his kids, the hedgies converse.

Skip: "That was genius, Bucky and Emily!"

Bucky: "We just remembered what Mary said about how the humans will wanna get rid of the predators more than us if they ever saw them."

Emily: "Yeah, that double-edged sword about us laying low here. And even better, Will won't come down here looking for us anymore now that he thinks it was the bobcats the whole time."

Annie: "How did you know it was bobcats by their scent, mom and dad?"

Emily: "Before you kids were born, my sisters, your dad, and his brothers used to enjoy pranking this one bobcat named Regina. We did it so often that we became familiar with how she smelled." (2)

Bucky: "The first few times, we had to fight our gag reflex. Y'see, bobcats mark their territory and communicate with their own using the 'old-fashioned, gross way.' "

Many of the animals give "Eww!-faces," with no one wanting any elaboration on that.

Emily: "But back to Regina. We started out small, by using walkie talkies to make her chase after supposed prey—the equivalent of ding-dong-ditch." (2)

Bucky: "Then we got bolder and riskier. The last straw was when we bungie-jumped down on her quills-first while she was sleeping. She chased us and we gave her the slip, but decided that was the last time we'd prank her." (2)

Emily: "That, and our parents grounded us big-time for staying up past our curfew." (2)

Bucky: "This was back when Kale had just started his job of patrolling the woods to fight predators, but he was doing that all by himself since that was long before he met Clara." (2)

Velma: "Well either way, we all owe you two."

Meredith: "That was some quick and great thinking you did, and it accomplished more than we could ever hope for."

Emily: "But go ahead and speak your mind, Uncle Verne."

Bucky: " 'Cuz we know you've thought of some downsides that need to be explained to the rest of us."

Verne doesn't take offense to being singled out in such a way. In fact, he is proud of Bucky's and Emily's Verne-awareness that they have gotten so much better at since they were young.

Verne: "It'll make things easier for us in some ways, but it will make things harder tonight. We have to take turns keeping watch," (points at the cardboard-window) "because the bobcats, or other predators could come in and try to finish what they started four days ago. And while the humans will be looking for bobcats, we still have to keep ourselves hidden when—not if—they come back down here. Not to mention some of us will have to get more food later tonight once all the humans are in bed, and the emptier fridge will draw their attention.

Plushie: "So who wants to be our watchers, and who wants to be our heisters?"

After some brief chit-chat, the animals make up their minds and carry out their plans without any trouble. At least for this night...

Note: (2)=Based on TheIceAgeMan77342's story Adventure Awaits.

---

As for the bobcats, trouble is all they are experiencing back in the woods when they inform the other predators what has transpired.

Pine the fox berates Rufus and Lott with, "You malodorous imbeciles! Now the homo sapiens will summon animal control which shall necessitate, first, the institution of surveillance by other homo sapiens—who will undoubtedly be informed of the sudden presence of wild animals by the father who dispelled you from his property—and second, the installation of traps. Both of which will make any and all endeavors for us monitoring and exacting our wrath on them most unpliant."

Lott: "Are you a fox or a snobby thesaurus with a mouth? I didn't understand half of what came outta your muzzle."

Holly Thorn: "You's don't need ta understand his big or small fancy words dat no one cares about. Get the general gist of what any of those over-sized-brained foxes say by doin' a little analysis of ya'self."

Monty: "What Pine basically said was, 'You and your dad are stinky idiots who majorly screwed up. The humans are gonna call animal control who will set up traps, while everyone in the neighborhood will be keeping a much more careful eye on things at night and day, which means it's gonna be harder for us to hunt those prey animals down."

Teo: "For you grounders, maybe. But not for us, the owls, and ravens who can fly."

Vixy: "Fret not too much, our fellow lynx rufus compatriots, for even your faux pas has delineated particularly useful information with which we must all excogitate before we return to the suburbs to reconnoiter and/or saunter ourselves. Vis-à-vis: the necessity for us to thoroughly perform our ablutions in so much that our aromas do not disclose our whereabouts prematurely—for both homo sapiens and animals."

Jamai: "WHAT?! Seriously, if you're so smart, why can't you figure out how to speak in animal language?!"

Vixy: "Fine, for those of you with primitive minds, what I said was the bobcats' failed reconnaissance proved that we must all take very good baths before we go on patrol or hunt in the suburbs. If we don't, our scents will give us away to both humans and animals."

Rufus: "Now wasn't that much easier?"

Vixy smirks while answering, "Au contraire, it was quite mentally taxing for one of my intellect to debase my vernacular to that of the quotidian creature."

Everyone gives blank, confused stares at the vixen before Edith looks at Rufus and translates, "She means 'no.' It's tougher for her to speak normally."

To add insult to injury, Vixy proudly says the most simple word of affirmation, "Yep."

Strix: "Could we just use scent-ridding spray? Otherwise, some of you would have to bathe us until we're clean because great horned owls like us don't have a sense of smell."

Saul gives a mischievous grin at Strix while the snake says, "Consssssider yoursssssselvessss lucky. You owlssssss stink the mosssssst out of all of ussssssss here."

Strix: "I don't care about how bad I smell. But unless you want me to go back to my natural diet of snakes, watch that mouth of yours."

Ted: "Remember what we said about in-fighting? Now, back to the pressing matter. We're startin' to run low on scent-ridding spray, because there's too many of us here to use it constantly, and our large bodies mean we have to use a lot as is. So bathing with shampoo, or natural herbs found in these woods would be the best."

Vul: "And being that you Bubo virginianuses, Corvas coraxes, and Buteo jamaicensi—"

All predators besides the foxes in unison: "In simple language!"

Vul (sighs): "Because you birds can fly and have the best eyesight of us all, you will be the ones who do most of the work. The owls can patrol at night, while the hawks and ravens do it during the day. Should any of us want to infiltrate the suburbs, we will do so at night and only if the owls keep close tabs on what's going on in the area we will travel."

The others nod and (save for the emotionless owls) have snug smiles of satisfaction at how Vul clearly had to strain in order to speak in a way all could understand.

Co: "E-yet's li-ike tha-yat wimpy Touca-yan from dem cereal ah-yads say-as: 'Follow yer nose.' "

Allan: "Cuz da nose knows."

The predators break away and head to go get the supplies they will need to bathe so that their scents will be masked for all future incursions.

---

There is a case of double-irony when it comes to Group 6. They are mostly composed of the kinds of animals that would draw the most attention (wolves and ducks), and yet they are going the most unnoticed thanks to Mr. Al's compassion—after the man discovered them. In his garage he has set up makeshift beds out of towels and blankets, provided food plates and water bowls, given the hedgies baths, and is even having a veterinarian come by today to have a closer look at their injuries. He did the latter via phone call that the hedgies had overheard, and the vet agreed and said she is on her way.

The animals in the garage now discuss what they think about the upcoming visitor.

Bruce: "I don't like it. The vet will recognize us from those wanted posters and call Verm-Tech."

Clara: "Mink's gotta point. Besides, we's healin' pretty well on our own. Dare's no need for a vet ta come here."

Sarl: "Not to mention if the vet calls animal control, they'd have a bone to pick with me, Roaster, and mein verknalltes mädchen Percie."

Percie blushes underneath her cheek fur and looks down in bashfulness while saying, "Aw, you shouldn't have..."

Boxer: "Translation, please, Sarl?"

Sarl: "Nein."

Boxer: "¿'No'? ¿Estás bromeando?"

Percie: "No, he's not kidding."

Emma: "I don't need a translation. I saw the way you two looked at each other, and how you spoke. It has something to do with your relationship."

Note: "mein verknalltes mädchen" is German for "My crush girl."

Spike: "But now's not the time for flirting. Back to the issue with the vet. I think it's a good thing. We don't know if our wounds will cause short- or long-term damage to our muscles and tendons. We might feel great after recovering, but when we fight those predators again, they might hit us somewhere that will cripple us on the spot. And we can't let that happen."

Jeff: "And from what Mr. Al told us last night, he's got no love for Verm-Tech, so I doubt he'd invite a vet who would rat us out."

Kale: "And if any human's stool-pigeon enough to blow dare whistle, Al's hardcore skills'id mean he will do all da fightin' for us."

Roaster: "I agrees with papá, Uncle Spike, and Señor Jeff."

Boxer and Percie in unison: "I's agree with mom, Sarl, and Señor Bruce."

Roaster: "Easy for you's two ta say. I don't have super strength or resilience. I heal slower dan you, and so do most of us here."

Elan: "And I sure don't wanna have long-term damage to my body..." (In anguish) "Uh! Why did we have to get involved with this family?! We should've just left 'em alone, then we wouldn't be dealing with any dangerous humans."

The female mink knows she's in for something unpleasant when everyone's head audibly turns toward her, and they give her looks that makes her wish she could go back in time and undo the recent past.

Maddie: "Well, I'm glad we're involved with this family mom. It finally showed you and dad that you're not always right, and got you to stop raising me the wrong way."

Ike: "Not to mention you'd still be in the woods where those predators are roaming, and probably be dead."

Bruce: "The kids are right, Elan. And with our former ego, I'm sure we would've been the first to get eaten because we'd want to prove how great we are."

Elan: "I...see your points now. Sorry."

Others in unison: "Apology accepted."

Ding-Dong!

Now everyone's head plus Elan's turns in the direction of the ringing doorbell and they collectively muse, "The vet's already here?! She must be a local neighbor."

Al opens the door and his voice greets the vet with, "Hi Yvone."

Yvone's voice: "Hello Mr. Albert. I don't have too long before my sift starts at the animal hospital, so let's get down to business. You said the injured animals are in your basement garage?"

Al's voice: "Yep. Follow me."

The animals' heartbeats quicken with each footstep as they get closer to their location. Ike starts to breathe rapidly, causing his family to put reassuring paws on him and give him looks that make him feel more relaxed.

Ike: "I'm good. We'll just play it by ear because we've got no choice."

Bea: "Wait! Let's pretend to be asleep!"

Spike: "Play possum like Aunt Heather, and Cousins Mary and Bernard do!"

The hedgies do so immediately. When the door connecting the man-cave to the garage opens, Yvone gasps once she sees the animals. Al immediately hushes her with, "Sh! You don't wanna wake 'em up."

Yvone doesn't take her wide-eyes off the hedgies, but leans her head toward Al as she whispers, "When you said 'animals' I thought you meant stray cats, dogs, and maybe squirrels and birds. What are wolves, ducks, porcupines, minks, and bats doing here?! Are you trying to start a zoo?"

Al: "To answer your first question, you know me and how I love animals. But these somehow snuck into my basement sometime this week; I discovered them, I didn't just let them in. But don't worry Yvone, these aren't like most wild animals. They're a lot smarter and docile. They won't harm you, especially if they're asleep." (To the animals more than Yvone) "And if they wake up and attack, I'll put 'em down."

He reaches into his pocket and shows the concerned veterinarian a Glock 18 auto pistol which he loads and cocks.

Yvone: "O-okay. 'Keep me covered,' solider man. "

Al: "I have lots of experience with that."

Yvone and Al approach the animals who make no movement whatsoever. They go for Clara first since she is most injured and thus has the most bandages. While unwrapping Clara's bandage dressings, Yvone asks, "How did these animals get injured?"

Al: "Those Verm-Tech animal abusers. Seen the posters and gotten those annoying emails, phone calls, and visits from them?"

Yvone: "You're right. These are those animals."

Al: "Poor, furry things must've had a run-in with verminators who're now looking to finish the job."

Yvone: "I can't tell you how many injured pets I've had to help because of those infernal traps Verm-Tech makes. As a member of PETA, I've got nothing but hate for them."

Now having fully undone all of Clara's bandages, Yvone only needs one glance at the wound to see a fallacy in Al's story.

Yvone: "These wounds were made by other animals. Not humans." She points to different wounds to expain what made them. "Those spots were made from bobcats, and these were made from owl talons, but this small area was from some kind of burn...so maybe Verm-Tech or some other humans were involved in part. Let's look at the next one."

After undoing the bandages, Yvone confirms that all the other wounds came from other predators like bears, coyotes, foxes, wolves, snakes, cougars, ravens, and hawks. Al isn't angry about being lied to by these animals. Quite the contrary, he's amazed at how these animals have the intelligence to lie.

Yvone is also impressed with not only how these animals survived such a beating, but how well they have been taken care of. "It's a good thing you bandaged the wounds not too long after they happened, Mr. Al. That saved them from permanent muscle damage. They don't even have to go to a wildlife rehab center."

The animals are eternally grateful when Al takes the credit for patching them up when the man says, "Of course."

Yvone: "I'm gonna show you which antibiotic creams to put on where, then re-dress the wounds. And although I dropped out of the Trail Guide Gals in 6th grade, I was in it long enough to take their motto of 'be prepared' to heart. I always carry my own personal supply of antibiotic shots and pills that animals can take by mouth to prevent internal infections from other animal bites and scratches. I'll show you which ones to give to which animal and where to inject them."

Al: "Thanks Yvone. You're a lifesaver."

Yvone: "But this is where you'll need to really keep me covered. If they aren't in deep sleep, they're going to wake up when I give them shots."

Al: "You've got nothing to fear, Yvone. Part of my obsession with animals included me learning about their most vital areas to target if I ever got attacked by them."

Yvone: "Okay, pay close attention."

It takes Yvone 10 minutes to redress all the wounds and apply the antibiotics. Miraculously, not a single animal woke up during the whole process, even when getting the needle. After finishing, Yvone looks at her cell phone and says, "Yikes! Running late. I gotta leave now."

Al walks her through the garage door while saying, "Well thanks again, Yvone. These animals will be ready to return to the wild in no time because of you."

Yvone smiles and says, "My pleasure. See you around!"

As she makes her way to her car in the driveway, a Verm-Tech van that has been parked across the street drives by, stops, and the driver lowers the window to speak.

Dilbert: "Good morning, ma'am. I saw from your car's bumper sticker, and can tell from your badge, that you're a vet and I was wondering—"

Yvone: "I'm running late for work. I don't have time to chat."

Dilbert: "It'll only take a few seconds."

Yvone: "You've got five."

Dilbert: "Why were you at that man's house when he doesn't have pets?"

Yvone's red alarms have been going off ever since Dilbert had revealed how he knew of her occupation. "Which can only mean he's been waiting for me to walk out like some stalker-sicko," she ruminates. Therefore, she has a good reason to lie to him out loud by saying, "I picked up something I accidentally left at my neighbor's house, and it took us a while to find it. Now move your keister, or I'll drive through your van."

Dilbert says, "Yes ma'am," while Yvone turns away from him and focuses on opening her car door. While moving his van, Dilbert smiles smugly while musing, "You're a terrible liar, lady. I sniffed out wolves, porcupines, bats, minks, and ducks as soon as you opened the front door to leave. And I remember the smell of a particular wolf with a scar on his eye."

He waits for Yvone's car to leave the street, then puts his own in park to get out. He walks to Al's front porch and rings the bell. A few moments later, the door opens and Al asks, "Hello young man. Who are you?"

Dilbert: "Name's Dilbert Stanton. And who do I have the pleasure of speaking to?"

Al: "Albert Cunningham."

Dilbert: "Mr. Cunningham, I'm a Verm-Tech student. Now, before you close the door on me, the woman who just left your house was a veterinarian and I was wondering why she would visit you if you don't have any pets?"

Al: "How do you know I don't have pets?"

Dilbert: "One of my pals from yesterday told me about this house he visited asking about the animals from the flyers and messages everyone in the EFE has been getting. But could you please answer my question?"

Al: "She's a good friend of mine who likes to check on this grizzled man in his sixties. Since my kids moved out, she's been like a niece. We got so busy talking I almost made her late for work."

Dilbert: "That's so nice of her. But I asked her why she visited you, and she said it was to pick up something she had left here..."

Al already had a problem with Dilbert from the moment he laid eyes on him. He doesn't even know the guy, but Al's gut feeling tells him that Dilbert's a prick. As a former soldier, Al trusts his gut feeling. "And not only is he trying to get into my business, he apparently did the same with Yvone," Al thinks. Now he knows what he must do. "First, we were talking while looking for her lipstick. And second, who asked you to be so nosey? Cut the crap, kid. Why are you here?"

Dilbert: "I apologize, Mr. Cunnigham. I'm not just a Verm-Tech student, I'm a verminator, and a darn good one too. My girlfriend's dad taught me to sniff out animals, literally, and I caught the smell of wild animals in your house."

Al: "What are you, a dog or a man?"

Dilbert: "I'm a man, and a very good verminator."

Al: "Well, go see an ENT soon, because your nose needs some serious examination. There's no wild animals here. I was a Navy SEAL and can smell better than the average person, so I'd know if there were any wild animals in my own house."

Dilbert: "Then why are you being so defensive if there's no animals in your house?" (Glances to the side with his eyes, raises an eyebrow, and gives a look of fake confusion) "Hmmm...?"

Al gets literally nose-to-nose with Dilbert, causing that insufferable facing expression to go away. "Don't you dare disrespect someone of my caliber with that snarky attitude, boy. I've fought in wars against armies and terrorists who get their kicks by forcing civilians to run through mine fields while making a bet on who will and won't get blown up. I've seen even worse horrors that would make you wet your pants like an infant. I did all of this so that people like you can live safe and comfortable lives; watching TV, playing games, going to ball games, and even walking to your front porch and back without getting your head shot off. You better show nothing but respect for a man like me from now on, got it?"

Dilbert gulps and peeps out, "Y-y-yessir. Forgive me."

Al: "I will this once. Next time, I'll have to 'spank' you, which is something your parents didn't do enough of.

"Now, with that out of the way," (Backs up from Dilbert) "Are you calling me a liar about having animals in my house? If so, that's bad enough. The only thing worse than that is if you say my senses are getting dull."

Still anxious after the stern talk and closeness the Navy SEAL had been with him, Dilbert changes his tune by suggesting, "M-maybe I've got the wrong house. My 'vermin sniffer' is still young, after all. I'll leave now and am sorry for wasting your time with my mishap, and thank you for all your hard work for our country."

Al: "You're welcome. But pro tip I learned in boot camp: 'learn to wipe your own butt before wallowing in other people's crap.' Because you seem to lack common sense, that translates as 'keep out of other people's business.' " (3)

Dilbert: "I will certainly do that, Mr. Cunningham. I'll take that advice to heart."

Al nods yes, then closes his house's door. Dilbert's dose of reality has left him shaken on the inside and he is so flustered by it that he can't think of why until he gets back into his van. He comes up with the answer by admitting the truth. "Well, because the guy was scary. Hardened facial expression, intense voice, sharp eyes that pierced into my soul, and no respect for personal space. I'm surprised I didn't wet myself." Dilbert switches his thought process into the one thing that will get him to calm down, "But he was lying. Some of the animals I'm looking for are in his house. And sooner or later, I'll get them."

After remembering that one of the wolves and porcupines in Albert Cunningham's house have nanobots in them, Dilbert's smile returns. "Who says I have to get my hands dirty...?"

Note: (3)=Based on a line from Final Fantasy VII Remake. Copyright by Square Enix.

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I hope you readers enjoyed my present to you all, thank you for your support—that is the gift you provide me all year 'round—and wish you the best in the upcoming 2025 (at the time of this December 21 posting)!