Chapter Two

Upon hearing the commotion in the living room, Marge ran out from the kitchen.

"Homer, stop that!" Marge admonished. "Bart has already told Lisa and me what happened. It's not the end of the world; he's been expelled before and yet has managed to receive an education from somewhere. We'll just have to sit down with him and find that particular somewhere."

Inwardly realising that Marge was right, Homer stopped choking Bart, but Bart could do nothing but give Homer the most murderous glare that he could muster.

Homer chose to ignore Bart's glare and walked to the dinner table in order to begin eating dinner. Bart followed him while Lisa grabbed Bart's recently-acquired copy of Modern Magical History, which she figured would contain an overview of modern-era wizarding schools. To her satisfaction, she was proven correct.

Eventually, after the family had finished eating, they all sat down and watched Lisa rifle through the book.

"According to this book, there are eight known wizarding schools. The first one is called Beauxbatons, in France. You speak French Bart, so you'd fit right in."

Bart remembered exactly when and why he had learnt to speak French – in response to the criminals Cesar and Ugolin brutalising him constantly by starving him and making him drink wine laced with antifreeze while he was on his exchange trip. Bart shuddered at the memory and immediately talked Lisa out of the idea.

"No thanks Lis. I'm not interested in spending much time in France again. Besides, those uniforms…" Bart burst out laughing at the pale blue robes. When Homer saw them, he joined in heartily and make some choice remarks of his own.

"HAHAHAHAHAH, they look like a bunch of fruits!" Homer exclaimed.

In disgust, Lisa noted to herself, "Well, I guess Beauxbatons is out. Hey, what about Castelobruxo in Brazil?"

"Lis, I don't speak Portuguese or Spanish. Besides, remember when we last went to Brazil? Homer and I got robbed, Homer was kidnapped and I had to fight my way out of a snake", Bart swiftly countered.

"Besides, what sort of stupid name is Castelobruxo or whatever it's called? It just makes me go BRUH BRUH BRUH BRUH BRUH!" Homer sagaciously contributed, to which Bart laughed.

"Well, let's see…Durmstrang doesn't admit No-Maj. So the next alternative is Hogwarts, in Scotland", Lisa continued.

At hearing the name 'Hogwarts' Bart and Homer laughed uproariously. "HOGWARTS? That's the dumbest name I've heard yet. What, do the students call themselves warthogs? Is it nicknamed 'Pig Pimples' as well?" Homer mockingly asked, snorting like a hog in the process and eliciting more laughs out of Bart.

Choosing to ignore Homer's mockery, Lisa continued. "The headmaster is Albus Dumbledore. He's widely regarded as the best living wizard in the world – even more so than Agilbert Fontaine", Lisa enthusiastically noted.

Unfortunately, hearing the name Dumbledore was enough to set Bart and Homer off. "Dumbledore? More like Dumble-ass!" Homer snidely remarked.

At this point, Marge had grown tired of Bart and Homer's colour commentary and overruled them by exclaiming, "That's it! You two have made a mockery of this whole process for long enough! Bart, I'm going to try and get you into Hogwarts and that's final! I'll write a letter tonight to Headmaster Dumbledore explaining your situation. Hopefully he'll understand."

"I'm sure he will Mum; the book even notes how generous in spirit Headmaster Dumbledore is. I'll help you write the letter tonight", Lisa offered in a reassuring tone.

"Well, I hope you're right honey", Marge wearily murmured, already feeling worn out by the process of relocating Bart to another school.

Later that night, Marge and Lisa sat down at Lisa's desk and penned a letter to Headmaster Dumbledore, which was as follows:

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

My name is Marge Simpson and I have a son named Bart. Bart has apparently been able to perform some very impressive feats of magic from a very young age. If his school principal is telling me the truth, he can perform magic without moving a muscle, he can transform objects into animals or beehives, he can lift objects and direct them towards people without touching them, he can make clothes vanish, he can unlock doors without a key, he can change the colour of somebody's hair and he can give people skin infections. I have seen some strange things around the house, but until very recently I wasn't sure if that was magic or me simply imagining things.

Normally, Bart would be attending Ilvermorny School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, but as of today that is no longer the case. Unfortunately, he got expelled after stealing a broom from his house's broom shed and crashing into Ilvermorny's headmaster. I don't believe that makes him a bad child though. In fact I know that Bart is a good boy at heart. He just has a spark which makes him do bad things from time to time.

Please give my special little guy a chance to use his magical talents to benefit the wizarding world. I know that he can with the right guidance – he even took down a master criminal all by himself. His talents have already caused his peers to shun him and he's really depressed about that because he's a boy who needs to socialise with other children his age.

Frankly, I am also worried about his safety in Springfield. The town have already tried to burn him and his younger sister alive over their magical talents, the local reverend thinks that they are Satanic and our next door neighbour chases them constantly with his exorcism tongs.

Again, please give Bart a chance.

Kind regards,

Marge Simpson

While writing the letter, Lisa and Marge quibbled over exactly what details to include. Marge was reluctant to discuss how the town wanted to burn her children alive because she saw that occasion as a great embarrassment for the Simpson family, but Lisa informed her that they needed to try and manipulate Dumbledore into allowing Bart into Hogwarts. What better way to do so than to infer that his life and therefore wizarding talent was being endangered by a bunch of provincial No-Maj?

Lisa also thought that the line, "please give Bart a chance", resonated as much as John Lennon's exhortation to "give peace a chance" several decades prior did and asked Marge to end the letter with that particular line. Marge eventually acceded to Lisa's requests and went over to Bart's room, wherein Bart was sitting on the bed and sulking.

"Honey, would you mind having Balthazar deliver this owl to Hogwarts?" Marge requested.

"Mum, I don't really want to go to Scotland, especially to a school named HOG-WARTS", Bart responded, taking care to emphasise each syllable of the school's name in his mockery.

"Sweetie, this is your best chance to make some friends and show your magic off to other people", Marge encouraged, playing on Bart's perpetual need for attention. True to her expectations, Bart perked up at this. "I also know that you enjoy learning new magic tricks and you'll be able to do that at Hogwarts. You'll also be able to get away from this town, its witch-burning people, our narrow-minded Reverend and our crazy tong-wielding neighbour."

Bart accepted this point and relented saying, "Alright Mum. For you."

"Thanks sweetheart", Marge responded as she hugged Bart, after which Bart walked over to Balthazar, who was perched on Bart's windowsill, and gave him Marge's letter. Before Bart could utter the word "HOGWARTS" Balthazar flew off.

How did he know where to send the letter? Can he read English too? Oh well, a mystery for another day I guess.

At seeing Balthazar fly off, Marge smiled, left Bart's room and went back to Lisa.

"He sent the letter off, dear", Marge informed Lisa.

"Ah, poor predictable Bart. I knew that playing on his need for attention would do the trick", Lisa slyly noted.

"Do you want to attend Hogwarts when you're old enough?"

"Well, Bart does bug me a lot. On the other hand, he was the only person who kept me from quitting the last boarding school I attended", stated Lisa, remembering her sojourn at the military academy without any fondness. "Yeah I'll attend. If I have real problems, I know that Bart will have my back", Lisa stated with finality.

"It's good that you think of your brother in that way, dear", Marge tenderly responded.

"Please don't mention it, Mum", Lisa sourly replied.

Marge then went down to the living room and told Homer what she did. After collapsing into yet another fit of laughter at hearing the name Hogwarts, Homer got behind the idea on the basis that Bart wouldn't be around to annoy him for at least a little while.

A few days later, at around 5:45pm, Marge heard a crack and a polite knock at the door. When she opened the door, there stood a man with a long beard, half-moon glasses and twinkling eyes that seemed to survey the area with a mixture of amusement and perception. Although he was dressed in a fashionable No-Maj suit, Marge immediately realised whom this was.

"Headmaster Dumbledore? How did you get my letter so quickly? How did you even know that Bart lives here?" Marge gasped in surprise.

"Oh we have our ways of speedily delivering mail and locating the home of young wizards, Mrs. Simpson", Headmaster Dumbledore cryptically responded. "May I come in?"

"Absolutely", Marge sputtered, allowing the professor into the living room.

"I received your letter Mrs. Simpson, and I was moved by your plea on behalf of your son. I must say that his antics have already become legend among the wizarding teaching community. I have no doubt that his principal's suspicions are entirely correct and that your son is an incredibly gifted wizard for his age, particularly for somebody with no magical parents. Enough so, in fact, that I thought that I would come to personally deliver an invitation to Mr. Bartholomew Simpson to attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

In truth, Headmaster Dumbledore was omitting crucial information from Marge in order to spare her feelings. Bart was indeed a very gifted wizard for his age, but that was not the real reason why the headmaster chose to attend upon the Simpson abode. No, his concern was that Bart's conscious use of wandless magic at a young age for less than altruistic purposes reminded him eerily of Tom Riddle.

While Bart certainly did not appear to be the sociopath that Riddle turned out to be, he was nonetheless obviously prone to misbehaviour and therefore could constitute a danger to himself, teachers and fellow students if he misused his magic. He also did not rule out the possibility that young Bart would prank any teacher who came for him. He therefore decided that he was to collect Bart from Springfield and keep as close a watch on him as possible.

However, not being able to read minds like the headmaster, Marge had no idea that this was the case and so was beside herself in joy. Bart and Lisa apparently heard her cries of joy from their room and stood on top of the stairs.

"Mum, what's – hey, you're Headmaster Dumbledore!" Lisa exclaimed. Coming down the stairs, she gleefully shook the old mage's hand. "I've read so much about your deeds, sir – defeating the Dark Lord Grindelwald in battle, fighting against Britain's Lord Voldemort and engaging in tireless advocacy for the rights of No-Maj and children born to No-Maj. It's a real honour to meet you, sir."

Heh, Voldemort. Sounds like a type of mouldy cheese, Bart thought as he watched the exchange from afar.

"Ah, you must be young Lisa Simpson. From what I understand, you are quite the magical prodigy", Headmaster Dumbledore complimented, surreptitiously examining Lisa's mind as he did so.

Hmmm…yes, she's much more polite, well-behaved and studious than young Bartholomew, but she definitely has a cunning, manipulative streak. I will definitely need to keep an eye on this young one as well, Headmaster Dumbledore observed to himself.

"You're Headmaster Dumble-ass? I mean, Dumbledore", Bart corrected, as Marge threw him a scathing look. Making an effort to endear himself to the man, Bart politely stated, "It's a pleasure to meet you, sir", shaking the headmaster's hand.

"The pleasure is all mine, young Bartholomew", Headmaster Dumbledore responded as he sized Bart up.

Hmmm…yes, he's trying to manipulate me into his good books. I'll definitely need to keep an eye on him, Headmaster Dumbledore noted inwardly as he probed Bart's mind, recalling Riddle and his manipulative behaviour.

"Young Bartholomew –"

"Bart."

"Young Bart, as I have explained to your mother, I am here to personally deliver an invitation to you to attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

"Really? That's cool. I accept. Soooooo…is it normal for you to personally invite children of No-Maj parents to your school?" Bart enquired, feeling a little suspicious. "When I was invited to Ilvermorny, it was actually the Thunderbird head of house that supervised me when I went to get my things", Bart noted.

"No it isn't, Bart. I decided to invite you personally because you are a very gifted young wizard for your age", Headmaster Dumbledore replied, stroking Bart's ego.

"That's cool. The MACUSA dude said that before I was expelled from Ilvermorny as well", Bart observed. "So, why are you inviting me to Hogwarts if I was expelled from my last school?"

"Bart, firstly you were given permission by Headmaster Fontaine to study magic outside of the United States, in light of your extraordinary talent. Secondly, I personally believe that it would be a shame if your magical talent was forever lost to the wizarding world", Headmaster Dumbledore replied, not wishing to reveal his desire to keep an eye on Bart.

"Headmaster Dumbledore, hasn't the school year started at Hogwarts already? Won't Bart be behind in his classes?" Marge worriedly asked.

"I'm glad you asked Mrs. Simpson", Headmaster Dumbledore replied indulgently. "As a matter of fact, the start of the school term has been delayed by one week so we can enact improved security measures for the safety of the students. There have been too many security breaches at our school in the past. Bart and I therefore have a few days to apparate to Diagon Alley and collect his robes, textbooks and new wand. Do you already have an owl, Bart?"

As if to answer the headmaster's question, Balthazar swooped in through the door, flew around and landed on Bart's shoulder.

"Does that answer your question?" Bart deadpanned.

"Indeed it does, Bart. An eagle owl, I see. A most magnificent specimen but more common among American wizards than British ones. Maybe because of its association with MACUSA?" Headmaster Dumbledore observed.

"Yeah, maybe", Bart insouciantly noted. "Let's go collect our things."

"Ok, Bart."

However, just as Bart and Headmaster Dumbledore were about to depart, Homer came striding through the door. Upon seeing Headmaster Dumbledore, he pointed and giggled at his beard before tactlessly exclaiming, "Oh right! You must be Dumble-ass!"

"HOMERRRRRR!" Marge admonished.

"D'oh! I mean, Dumble-DORE", Homer corrected himself. "I'm Bart's father, Homer."

"Yes, I assumed as much. Well, I would love to stay and talk Mr. Simpson, but I'm afraid that Bart and I have to go and collect his things for the new school year", Headmaster Dumbledore replied indulgently.

"Alright; just make sure the boy doesn't give you too much trouble. He can be a real rascal", Homer replied.

"I assure you that he won't, Mr. Simpson. It has been a pleasure to meet you all. Lisa, I look forward to seeing you at Hogwarts", Headmaster Dumbledore stated, which Lisa responded to by blushing.

Bart also bade his farewell before the pair apparated to Diagon Alley.

"He gets it from your side of the family you know, Marge. No magic freaks on my side", Homer opined after the two apparated, earning him a glare from both Lisa and Marge.

A mere moment later, Bart found himself alongside Headmaster Dumbledore in Diagon Alley. This shopping precinct was more impressive than the last wizarding precinct he had visited; there were not only a greater variety of pubs and shops in which one could buy textbooks, robes and cauldrons, but also to buy wands.

Speaking of these products, the headmaster quietly handed Bart a sheet of paper documenting the materials students need to purchase for the new school year as they walked along, which Balthazar read over Bart's shoulder. Bart shuddered involuntarily as he passed a broomstick shop, vividly recalling the circumstances which led to his expulsion from Ilvermorny.

"Sir, I don't have any money with me, even No-Maj money. How am I going to pay for things without money?" Bart suddenly asked.

"Bart, Hogwarts has a fund for poorer students like your good self. I will pay for it all upfront using this fund and charge your parents half the total a regular student would have to pay, which they can pay over the next few months. How's that?" Headmaster Dumbledore soothingly replied.

"Speaking of money, please wait out here for me. I wish to withdraw some of that money", Headmaster Dumbledore said as he strode into a snowy white building labelled Gringotts that was stocked with goblins, whom Bart privately fantasised about levitating because of their diminutive height.

Out of boredom, Bart non-verbally turned the hair of a passing wizard into a hideous vomit-like colour, which sent him hurtling down the street in a panic. Bart chuckled at this spectacle before Headmaster Dumbledore came out and led him down to Madam Malkin's to get his clothes fitted, much to Bart's agitation.

After Dumbledore gave her what appeared to be gold coins, he waited outside with Balthazar while Madam Malkin led Bart down to the back of the shop, where two students were getting their clothes fitted. One was a platinum blond boy with a pale, pointed face and cold grey eyes, whereas the other was a boy with raven hair, startling green eyes, wire-framed glasses, ill-fitting clothes, and what might have been a partially-obscured scar on his forehead. The two were in the throes of a conversation which the latter boy most certainly seemed not to be enjoying, although the former was clearly oblivious to that fact.

Gee man, the blond kid is so full of it. Doesn't he realise that this other kid doesn't want to talk to him? He's more clueless than Ralph.

At that point, the blond started discussing houses and how he aimed to be in Slytherin. At this point, Bart decided to pump him for more information regarding the houses.

"Hey dude, tell me more about the houses."

At this, the blond and the raven-haired kid stopped to look at Bart. The blond looked at him as if he was a particularly unpleasant variant of toad while 'Milhouse', as Bart decided to nickname the other boy, adopted a more neutral countenance.

He looks like a Muggle, the blond thought as he saw Bart's orange shirt and blue shorts, but nonetheless addressed him.

"Who's asking? And what's with the American accent?" the blond sneered.

"I'm from America. The name's Bart Simpson; who the hell are you?"

Angered and surprised at this show of disrespect, the blond replied, "The names Malfoy. Draco Malfoy. You'd better remember that, Simpson, because my father is an important figure in wizarding Britain."

"That's a dumb name", Bart dismissively replied. He then pointed to 'Milhouse' and asked "Who's your friend, Drain-o?"

"It's Dra-co and he's not my friend", Draco roughly replied. "So why are you attending Hogwarts instead of Ilvermorny anyway?"

"Headmaster Dumbledore personally invited me to attend Hogwarts. He said that I was so talented that I deserved his personal attention", Bart bragged, hoping to get under Draco's skin.

His words appeared to have the desired effect, for Draco aggressively replied, "Is that right you filthy Mudblood? Clearly Dumbledore wouldn't have an idea what talent meant if it slapped him across his wrinkly old face if he thought that you had any. We pure-bloods will always be superior to your kind", having deduced from Bart's dress, manner, surname and cluelessness about Draco's surname, that he had No-Maj, or Muggle, parents.

"What the hell's a Mudblood?" Bart responded in absolute befuddlement.

Draco smirked at Bart's ignorance and was about to fire back a withering remark when Madam Malkin intervened.

"Young men, if you can't keep a civil tongue, then you can both leave my shop!" Madam Malkin informed both Bart and Draco.

After a brief pause, Draco stepped down. "Fine. I'd rather shop at Twilfitt and Tattings than associate with this scum, anyway", he remarked, nodding in Bart's direction before storming off.

"Gee, don't have a cow, man", Bart called out as Draco left.

Heh, he was easier to piss off than Moe, Bart thought to himself as he smirked at how easily he had irritated the blond boy. It was like Bart's existence was an affront to the boy and frankly that was how Bart liked it.

He then stepped on a stool next to 'Milhouse', who was looking at Bart with what seemed remarkably like gratitude. Bart saw this and remarked, "You look pretty happy that he's run off like a little girl."

"That's because I am", 'Milhouse' replied with a laugh. "He reminded me of my cousin and I really don't like my cousin."

Bart nodded and properly introduced himself, extending his hand. "Maybe you haven't heard, but my name's Bart Simpson. What's yours?"

Chuckling at Bart's sarcasm, 'Milhouse' took his hand and replied, "Harry Potter. Maybe you've heard of me?" in an attempt at understatement.

Bart looked completely nonplussed and responded with genuine surprise, "Nope. Haven't heard of any Harry Potters. Are you some sort of celebrity or something?"

Harry seemed both taken aback and relieved by this and admitted with a sigh, "Yes I am, because I apparently defeated some Dark Lord ages ago, and frankly I don't like it very much. I'm not comfortable taking credit for something I don't even remember."

A celebrity, huh? So he's like Seraphinus. Seems like another person worth getting to know. Maybe he'll be happy to see me take some of the attention off him. "Dark Lord? Was it Mouldy Cheese, I mean, Voldemort? My sister mentioned him to Headmaster Dumbledore when he visited our house."

Harry answered in the affirmative and chuckled at Bart's nickname for Voldemort, but nonetheless was genuinely surprised as he remarked, "So Dumbledore did visit your house."

"Yeah, he did. I wasn't lying to blondie when I said that. In fact I told him that just to cheese him off", Bart remarked. "What, who came to get you? Do you have No-Maj parents too?"

"It was Hagrid, the school gamekeeper – and what's a No-Maj?"

"A No-Maj is someone without magic. Really a good thing in Ho-I mean my Dad's case. He'd probably wind up cursing himself with his wand", Bart explained.

Harry laughed at Bart's withering remark but responded, "Over here, we call No-Maj, Muggles. No, I do have wizarding parents, but they've long since died."

Bart was going to laugh at the word 'Muggle' but instead expressed as much sympathy for Harry's loss as he could muster. After doing so, he asked, "Hey, do you know anything about the Hogwarts houses?"

"No, but I don't want to be in Slytherin because I expect that Malfoy will be there", Harry admitted.

Bart smirked evilly and remarked, "If the dumb blond gets into Slytherin I want to be in Slytherin just to make his life a living hell." Observing Harry's look of shock, he continued "Trust me, Drain-o hasn't got a clue who he's messing with. I wasn't lying when Dumbledore said I was gifted."

Harry sniggered at this. By this time, both boys' robes had been fitted and both proceeded towards the door, where Hagrid, Headmaster Dumbledore and Balthazar awaited. After Headmaster Dumbledore introduced Bart to the bearded Hagrid and Hagrid introduced Harry to Dumbledore, the four wandered down the street.

They both purchased their textbooks from Flourish & Botts, along with their cauldrons. While Bart and Headmaster Dumbledore waited for Hagrid and Harry outside, Bart asked the Headmaster to discuss the Hogwarts Houses. The man obliged with a trademark twinkling of his eyes.

"Well, young Bart, there's Gryffindor, which values bravery, nerve, athleticism, courage, chivalry and daring. There's Hufflepuff, which values loyalty, fair play and tolerance. There's Ravenclaw, which values intelligence, wit, wisdom and creativity. Finally, there's Slytherin, which values resourcefulness, cunning, ambition, drive and a certain disregard for the rules."

Hmmm…I don't think Hufflepuff suits me at all. Heh heh heh, Hufflepuff. More like Huffle-poof. I could be a Ravenclaw, but I think that Gryffindor or Slytherin suit me best. It'd be a blast if I got into Slytherin, just to see the look on Drain-o Mal-formed's smug prick face.

After Harry purchased his snowy owl, the four entered Ollivander's wand shop. Bart tuned out while Harry tried out various wands, instead fantasising about Itchy blasting Scratchy's head off with a wand. After a while, Harry picked out a wand, to which the wand-maker, Ollivander, waxed some lyrical about how Harry and Voldemort's wand both contained a feather from the same phoenix, and how Voldemort's wand caused Harry's scar.

Bart thought to himself, As if having the same wand as some Dark Lord means anything. If Harry's a Dark Lord than Homer's the smartest person in my house.

Suddenly looking as if he'd rather be anywhere else than with Ollivander, Harry paid his money, took his wand and led Hagrid out of the shop, quietly wishing Bart luck in the process.

Bart confidently sauntered up to the counter and casually requested as follows, "Ollivander my good man, give me a 10-inch wand with a Thunderbird tail feather as a core. That's what I used at Ilvermorny."

Ollivander was momentarily taken aback by Bart's cocksure manner, but quickly recovered and asked Bart about the circumstances in which the wand selected him, to which Bart admitted that it was the most suitable of the four that he had actually tried.

"Then I'm not satisfied that the wand you described is the most suitable one for you. You often need to try more than four wands to obtain the right one. Besides, I don't use Thunderbird tail feathers because in my opinion they are, like the Thunderbird itself, too dangerous and temperamental", Ollivander explained.

Bart was annoyed at hearing this, and with some justification as Ollivander made him try dozens of different wands. Some were functional but in both Headmaster Dumbledore and Ollivander's opinion didn't fully reflect Bart's disposition or his considerable magical talents. Others simply disintegrated in his left hand, while others resulted in Bart demolishing most of the shop, with the headmaster having to use a powerful Mending Charm to repair the damage.

Eventually, Ollivander narrowed Bart's choice down to three potential wand woods: the larch, maple and redwood, all of which had a phoenix feather core. In both Ollivander and Headmaster Dumbledore's mind this was somewhat fitting, for the phoenix and thunderbird were both related.

However, when Bart used all three wands to cast the same red sparks, none of them appeared to 'choose' Bart more than the other two, with each casting the same quantity of sparks.

To help determine the right choice of wand for Bart, Headmaster Dumbledore requested permission to read his thoughts by looking the boy in the eyes. As he had been cooped up in the shop for far too long for his liking, Bart gladly agreed.

However, the headmaster's probing into Bart's mind failed to establish a clear answer. Like the singer Celestina Warbeck, who possessed a larch wood wand, Bart was a talented musician and also displayed artistic and intellectual potential that, despite his considerable magical talent, had not been fully realised up until now due to enduring a series of muggle Primary School teachers that were generally anywhere from apathetic to outright demeaning.

The maple wood also suited Bart because of his lust for exploring, travelling and novelty, while he was clearly very magically ambitious for his age. As for the redwood wood, Bart was both incredibly fortunate and resourceful, encountering liberty or even life-threatening situations and yet falling on his feet, either because he made the right choice and snatched advantage from catastrophe, like when he tricked Sideshow Bob into signing the entire score of the HMS Pinafore so that the Springfield Police could arrest him, or because somebody else saved him at an opportune moment, like when Principal Skinner prevented Bart from being jailed for his supposed murder.

In the end, Headmaster Dumbledore and Ollivander decided to, for the first time in living memory, fuse all three wand woods together using the headmaster's Elder Wand before shortening the length of the wand to 10 inches; the size of Bart's Ilvermorny wand.

Finally, the headmaster paid Ollivander some more gold coins, allowing Bart to scarper out of the shop and put the whole gruelling ordeal behind him.

"Sir, what were those gold coins?" Bart asked.

"In Britain, we use galleons, sickles and knuts instead of dragots and sprinks. Galleons are the gold coins", Headmaster Dumbledore explained.

Momentarily Bart found himself back in Springfield with Headmaster Dumbledore and Balthazar. The headmaster then turned to hand Bart two documents.

"Here you go, young Bart. A ticket for Kings Cross, 9 ¾ quarters, September 8th, plus your International Travel Permit from MACUSA, which Mr. Tychus Tolliver kindly approved when I contacted him and explained that you were enrolling in my school."

"What, so I'm not catching an invisible, enlarged school-bus this time? Also, 9 ¾ quarters? Is that just some sort of prank I'm not getting? Besides, what makes it so difficult for you to just take me into Hogwarts?" Bart asked.

Dumbledore just chortled at Bart's sass and responded, "Bart, I cannot apparate directly onto the Hogwarts grounds. I wish for you to catch the train so you have the opportunity to meet some of your fellow students. As to exactly what Platform 9 ¾ quarters is, that will become clear in due time. I will be seeing you in a few days."

After saying this Dumbledore disappeared with a resounding crack, leaving Bart in a state of profound bewilderment, before he finally recovered his senses and opened the front door, dragging his newly-acquired belongings into the house with him while Balthazar flew up to his windowsill and rested there.

Author's notes for Chapter Two:

I changed the part about Modern Magical History being part of Lisa's collection to being part of Bart's recently-acquired collection of textbooks, because for reasons explained earlier even the ever-studious Lisa would find such a book exceedingly difficult, if not impossible, to acquire on her own. Modern Magical History isn't actually part of Hogwarts' first-year list of required textbooks, but it could quite possibly be part of Ilvermorny's required list.

I did play around with the timeline slightly in this chapter in order to advance the plot. For instance, after opening the first book again I discovered that Harry spent another month with the Dursleys after leaving Diagon Alley. Bart most certainly doesn't spend that long with the Simpsons after coming back from Diagon Alley.

This chapter is longer than I initially envisaged because I felt the need to detail the circumstances beyond Bart's enrolment at Hogwarts, alongside his first interactions with Dumbledore, Draco, Harry and Hagrid, all of whom will play at least some part in the coming chapters. I also felt the need to explain the unique circumstances behind how Bart acquired his wand from Ollivander. Bart is a unique young wizard after all, so it figures that his wand will be unique.

I assumed that owls can apparate with their owners – it's not made clear in canon to my knowledge.