Chapter Four
They were greeted by the sight of a tall, black-haired witch named Professor McGonagall, who to Bart seemed even more uptight than Principal Skinner. She'll be fun to prank, Bart thought.
The first-years followed her through the entrance hall and across the flagged stone floor, eventually finding themselves in a small, empty, crowded chamber.
Bart initially felt uncomfortable but eventually figured that it was the perfect opportunity to let rip a silent fart. The waving of hands around him made him chuckle inwardly. Silent but deadly, he thought.
Professor McGonagall then went and rambled about the start-of-term banquet, the Sorting Ceremony and the four houses. Bart largely zoned out during this speech because Headmaster Dumbledore had already discussed the various houses with him. After his discussion with Gemma on the train, he already knew that he wanted to be a Slytherin.
However, he heard Harry behind him, asking someone how they were sorted into houses.
"Oh, I heard that they throw you into a gauntlet and you're kicked and punched a lot by a bunch of other students as you go through. At the end of the gauntlet, the injuries that you have determines what house you're sorted into", Bart lied casually, turning to Harry as he did so.
Harry's eyes bugged out like saucers upon hearing this, but he was somewhat reassured by Bart's wink. Some of the other students murmured worriedly, however, much to Bart's amusement.
However, many students were startled out of their thoughts by the arrival of several ghosts. The sight of these ghosts apparently scared many people, but not Bart.
Ghosts? Coooooooooooool, he thought, not seeing any at Ilvermorny. One of the ghosts, a supposed friar, told them that he hoped to see them in Hufflepuff, to which Bart had to keep himself from laughing hysterically.
At that point Professor McGonagall returned and led the students out of the chamber in a line into the Great Hall. Many of the students appeared fascinated by the sights and sounds of the Great Hall but Bart was indifferent, having seen a similar spectacle at Ilvermorny. He heard Hermione say something about the sky being bewitched to resemble the ceiling outside, to which he thought, Nobody cares, you Lisa-wannabe.
Bart then sighted a four-legged stool which had a battered old wizard's hat on top of it. To his surprise, the hat then started singing. After the end of its 'song', the hall burst into applause but Bart was mortified beyond belief. Ok, that was very disturbing, he thought, being reminded of that time when he heard about Ned Flanders singing in falsetto in front of the entire church congregation.
Professor McGonagall then held out a roll of parchment and called out, "Abbott, Hannah!", who was sorted into Hufflepuff. Bart then sniggered when he heard the name "Bones, Susan!" and thought, Haha, boners.
To Bart's relief, Hermione was sorted into Gryffindor. Oh well, at least I don't have to put up with her crapping on about random things that no-one cares about, he thought. However, he was far more amused when Draco was sorted into Slytherin with his two 'boyfriends'. See you at ground zero, you blond bitch, he thought.
The name "Potter, Harry!" shook him out of his reverie and he watched Harry dawdle up to the stool with fascination. After a few minutes, the hat cried out "Gryffindor!", to which Bart slapped himself in annoyance. He liked Harry's unassuming nature and he would like to have had him around as a 'partner in crime'. However, deep down he wasn't surprised – not after Harry had previously admitted to him that he didn't want to be sorted into the same house as Draco.
Before too long, the name "Simpson, Bartholomew!" was called out. He strode up to the stool, savouring the pointed glares of all of the Hogwarts teaching staff, bar the smiling Headmaster and a man wearing a turban, as he did so. With a scowl, Professor McGonagall placed the Sorting Hat onto Bart's head.
"Ahhh Mr. Simpson. You're the first first-year American to be sorted by me for as long as I can remember. You are quite the tricky customer to sort, I must say. Sure, you're no Hufflepuff, but your poor academic record belies your intelligence, wit and creativity. You would be a better Ravenclaw than it would appear at first glance. However, I do not think that is your ideal house. In truth, you would be almost perfect for Gryffindor. You are brave, daring, courageous and athletic. However, you are not very chivalrous. That leaves Slytherin. Yes – you're the quintessential Slytherin, I think. You execute your pranks with cunning, resourcefulness and an utter disregard for the rules. I can also feel your ambition to be great – you wanted to be the Chief Justice of the Muggle Supreme Court of the United States before learning you were a wizard, didn't you?"
"Yes, sir", Bart said, astonished that the hat even knew that.
"I thought as much. Additionally, like a certain wizard who came here many moons ago you well and truly have the potential to be great and I think that Slytherin will definitely help you on your way to greatness, so it had better be SLYTHERIN!" the hat concluded with a yell.
However, unlike the claps and cheers which greeted every other student's sorting into their respective house, Bart's sorting was met with utter silence, such that you could hear a pin drop.
"We can't have Simpson in Slytherin; he's a filthy Mudblood!" Draco eventually yelled, his boiling anger and prejudice towards the spiky-haired Muggleborn giving forth an ugly outburst. Indeed, such outbursts all too often overcame whatever Slytherin subtlety the blond might have had.
First he wrecks my chance to befriend Harry Potter; now he's in the same house as me! That Sorting Hat must have been Confounded. How in Merlin's name could this have happened otherwise? I'll have to write to my parents about this. He cannot be in my house. While he's still here, I'll make his life so miserable that he'll wish he had never been born!
Draco's slur was received by a stony stare from Gemma, murmurs of agreement and embarrassed looks from other Slytherin members, and scandalised looks and whispering from students from the other three houses. Bart looked over to the Gryffindor table, where he saw Harry fix Draco with a murderous glare and Hermione gaze down at her shoes.
Bart then surveyed the teaching staff, who themselves looked quite shocked at Draco's outburst. They might not have looked forward to teaching Bart, but calling someone a Mudblood in public was definitely not socially acceptable. After a few minutes, Headmaster Dumbledore nodded and smiled at Bart, subtly gesturing with his hand towards the Slytherin table. The boy then turned towards Slytherin and caught Gemma's imperceptible nod and smile.
With that, Bart walked to the Slytherin table. However, he discovered that none of the first-years wanted him to sit with them. Draco in particular fixed him with a scowl, to which Bart just smirked.
The other first-years don't want me to sit next to them – no problemo; I'll just get one of the older students to make room for me.
However, none of the older students were any more willing to make room for him than the first-year students were.
Gemma watched this whole scene with anger and disgust. What happened to house unity in the face of other houses? What happened to looking after your own, Muggleborn or not? When did Slytherin become a hive for blood-obsessed fanatics? When did our house decline to the point that mediocrities like Malfoy are actually taken seriously? she thought.
Gemma's family, while pure-blooded, neither supported pure-blood fanaticism nor fought on Lord Voldemort's side during the last wizarding war like many of her housemates' families did. Instead, they pursued a policy of what Muggle foreign policy experts might term Finlandisation – bowing to Voldemort's side while not mooning Headmaster Dumbledore's. They supplied Voldemort's side with free potion ingredients from her mother's apothecary while selling Headmaster Dumbledore's side information about the movements of Voldemort's Death Eaters. They bought this information from the less loyal Death Eaters, for whom making a buck was more important than Voldemort's cause.
Unfortunately, they were slowly losing money from the practice before the war came to an abrupt end. She, like many Slytherins, valued her family and so was determined not to allow her family to fall into that situation again. In her mind, that could only be achieved not only by decimating the Death Eater ranks, but also by subjugating her family's pro-Dumbledore opponents, thus minimising the ageing wizard's influence on their family and thus making it easier for them to influence Britain's wizarding world.
To this end, she considered Bart to be the perfect weapon to use against her opponents – a young, malleable, once-in-a-generation talent who happened to be attracted to her. What did his blood status matter when he displayed such ability?
Speaking of Bart, he saw him advance towards her, apparently having not found a seat. She quickly ordered the boy next to her to move down and make room for Bart, after which she invitingly smiled at Bart and patted the space next to her. Bart obliged her, smiling gratefully.
"Thanks Gemma."
"No problem Bart. What Malfoy did was violate one of Slytherin's unspoken rules – always display unity in front of other houses. I couldn't punish him there and then because I would be violating that rule too, but once we're in the dungeons, I'll give him detention for the next week for that little stunt. No student deserves to be publicly humiliated like that; not even a Gryffindor", Gemma joked. "So, what did you do to rub him up the wrong way? He behaved like you pissed in his chips", she observed.
"Well, I fought with him at Madam Malkin's in front of a boy who turned out to be Harry Potter", Bart explained.
At that, Gemma laughed. "He's even more arrogant and stupid than I thought! Not only antagonising a massive talent like yourself, but the Boy-Who-Lived at the same time? He really knows how to pick his battles", Gemma sarcastically observed, deliberately stroking Bart's ego in the process. As she said this, she mused, So, Lucius Malfoy's weak link is apparently his son. He should be easier to take down than I thought.
"Yeah, nothing says cunning and resourceful quite like pissing off important, powerful people", came Bart's rejoinder.
"I agree. Slytherin is meant to stand for cunning, resourcefulness, drive, ambition and not being afraid to break the rules, but I realise now that over the years it's just become a hive of scum and bigotry. Most of my fellow students are either thugs, like Malfoy's friends Crabbe and Goyle, or are comfortable coasting on their family name, rather than showing genuine ambition and trying to become great and change history, like you or me", Gemma bitterly replied.
Bart nodded at this, after which point the sorting ended and Headmaster Dumbledore uttered the words "Blubber!" and "Nitwit!"
"He's not referring to Drain-o acting like a blubbering nitwit, is he?" Bart snarked, to which Gemma laughed. After Bart said that, a sumptuous feast magically came into being. For him this feast equalled the one provided by Ilvermorny and he tucked in eagerly.
Eventually the feast ended and Headmaster Dumbledore spoke, introducing the caretaker Filch. Filch, whom Bart privately nicknamed 'Filth', seemed about as friendly as Groundskeeper Willie and Bart certainly looked forward to pranking him. The mage then announced the upcoming Quidditch trials, but Bart remembered how his last sojourn with a broom ended and found himself most uninterested. Finally, he informed the school that both the forest and the third-floor corridor on the right hand side were out of bounds to anyone who didn't wish to endure a painful death. At this, Bart smirked and thought, whatever's in that corridor must be worth checking out. He then locked eyes with a laughing Harry over at the Gryffindor table and could immediately tell that he was thinking the same thing.
To Bart's utter horror, Headmaster Dumbledore displayed his utter lack of signing chops as he butchered the already unmelodic school song, to which pretty much everyone except Bart joined in. Ay carumba! I didn't think it was possible, but that both sucked and blew, Bart thought. Mercifully for him though, that dreadful display ended and the headmaster told everybody to go to bed.
"Bart, follow me. I'm leading you and the rest of the firsties to Slytherin's common room", Gemma instructed before she teamed up with a tall, dark-haired male prefect and went to collect the rest of the first-years.
"Yes'm", came Bart's lengthy response before following her.
Eventually, the first-years all came together and proceeded to the common room, with Bart making sure to walk by Gemma's side in case Draco or another first-year tried to curse him from behind. Sure enough, he felt the heat of Draco's glare on his back but no attacks came as they walked through some labyrinthine passages and stopped at a bare, damp stone wall.
"Veritaserum", Gemma uttered as a stone door concealed within the wall slipped open. Looking around, Bart did see some similarities with Thunderbird's common room, as it also had a fireplace alongside several sofas and tables being featured in the middle of the room. However, this common room was more of an elaborate dungeon, replete with stone walls and a greenish hue caused by overhanging lamps, along with darker furniture. Already having seen a common room, Bart wasn't quite as impressed by seeing another.
After giving the first-years a brief congratulatory speech for being sorted into Slytherin, Gemma pointed out that the boys and girls dormitories could be found beyond the doors on each side of the room. The male prefect then left and she proceeded to follow, before Draco blurted out, "The mudblood Simpson isn't sleeping with us! He doesn't even belong in Slytherin!" to which his 'boyfriends' and another black-haired girl with hair in a bob murmured agreement while the other children said nothing, obviously not wishing to antagonise Draco.
Gemma turned around and gave Draco a dangerous smile. He had just given her the perfect opportunity to double his detention. "Come with me, Malfoy. The rest of you, stay where you are", she ordered, to which Draco reluctantly complied as they both left the dungeon. Although she didn't say as such, Bart knew there would be hell to pay if the other first-years attacked him.
Nonetheless, feeling rather paranoid, Bart turned and stared the other first-years down, like a gunslinger in the Wild West. He knew, despite his prodigious talent, that he couldn't take them all out if they attacked him. No, he would have to 'disappear' by combining the disillusionment and silencing charms like he had so many times before.
As Bart was preparing to do this, a pretty brunette with shoulder-length wavy hair and hazel eyes watched him with interest.
Hmm...Simpson obviously doesn't trust us. It looks like he'll do something at any moment. Run off or maybe even attack us? Who knows? I'd better start talking to him, just so nothing bad happens. I'm a half-blood, so nobody here really cares if I talk to a Muggleborn, since the purebloods think I'm lower than them, anyway.
"Simpson! We don't have to be enemies! It's just that Draco's father is a very dangerous man who can harm our families and so we're all afraid of annoying his son!" the brunette explained.
Wow, that came out of nowhere, Bart thought, but his response was nonetheless terse.
"Well, that hasn't stopped me from fighting him."
"Simpson, you're the first Muggleborn to be sorted into his house for a very long time and you don't even sound like you're from Britain", the girl began.
"That's because I'm not."
Ignoring him, the girl continued, "Listen, the Malfoys are very wealthy and so hold a great deal of power within the British Ministry of Magic and within Hogwarts. Draco's father is very close to the Minister of Magic and so influences him greatly. He's also on Hogwarts' board of governors. Crossing Draco is not a good idea for that reason, because he'll go running to his father, who can use his influence to make our lives and those of our families very difficult."
Finally, Bart understood why these kids were reluctant to openly associate with him. Draco's family couldn't easily harm Bart or his family due to their great distance from magical Britain, but they could certainly harm these children and their families.
"My name is Tracey Davis by the way. It's good to finally talk to you, and congratulations on being sorted into Slytherin", she said, holding out a slender, delicate, manicured hand, which Bart took.
One by one, the other kids came up and shook his hand, except for Draco's 'boyfriends', 'bob-girl', as Bart nicknamed her, and a black boy who disdainfully turned his back on the rest of his housemates. His personality obviously matches his skin colour, Bart thought.
First, there was a pretty girl with long blond hair, high cheekbones and sapphire blue eyes, who introduced herself as Daphne Greengrass. There was then a weedy, vaguely rat-faced boy with dark hair and eyes named Theodore Nott, followed by a heavyset girl with brown eyes named Millicent Bulstrode, and finally a brown-eyed girl with long brown hair who introduced herself as Rachel Runcorn.
Eventually, Gemma returned without Draco and instructed all the first-year students, except Bart, to go to their dormitories. Soon enough, the two were alone.
"What happened to Dranny?" Bart asked.
Gemma laughed before explaining, "Well, I told naughty little Draco that he had two weeks detention and that he had to start serving the detention tonight. Let's just say that Draco will be having a rather late night." At this, she gave Bart an intimidating grin.
Bart chuckled before Gemma walked him down the stairs to the boys' dormitory.
"By the way Bart, there are two spells I want you to learn: Protego Duo and Protego Totalum. The first one shields you from physical and magical attacks, of which I think you'll receive many in Slytherin. The second one protects an area for a long period of time. You'll need to cast that one over your bed every night. Don't think that Draco won't try and attack you in your sleep. I'll show you how it's done the first time – just get into bed and then watch me", she instructed as they entered Bart's dormitory, with every other student apparently having already fallen sleep, seeing as how their velvet green curtains were drawn closed. After Bart entered the large, four-poster bed on the far left, which had a trunk labelled 'SIMPSON' at its foot, Gemma covered the bed in a translucent shield by saying the relevant incantation while flicking her wand.
"Coooooooooool", Bart replied, to which Gemma smiled at him, bade him goodnight and strode out of the dorm. Even the energetic Bart suddenly found himself rather worn down by the day's events and so, without even really taking in his surroundings or thinking about Balthazar, he dropped off into the land of slumber.
Author's notes for Chapter Four:
As Gemma has lampshaded, the Slytherins are meant to be cunning, resourceful, ambitious rule-breakers, but none of the canon Slytherin students consistently demonstrate those qualities; not even Draco. Draco and Zabini are mostly just elitist snobs whereas Crabbe, Goyle and Marcus Flint are just thugs who appear to be there just so JK Rowling can make Slytherin look worse.
I think my interpretation of Finlandisation is correct; please tell me if it isn't.
As per canon, Draco, Pansy, Blaise, Crabbe and Goyle remain unpleasant. Fanon stylings usually portray Daphne as a blue-eyed blond and Tracey as a brunette, so I've run with that. Theo is described as weedy in canon so I've gone with that.
Also, credit to Tathrin, the author of Green-Eyed Snake for the descriptions of Slytherin's Common Room and Boys Dormitory.
The character Rachel Runcorn was included to balance out the number of Slytherin boys and girls – excluding Bart, of course.
In Bart's eyes, Harry can be considered a stand-in for Milhouse (who in this universe fears and avoids Bart). Both are unassuming introverts who wear glasses.