Chapter Seven
Upon entering the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom, the first scent that hit Bart's nostrils was the unmistakeably pungent smell of garlic.
He then laid his eyes on Professor Quirrell and realised that he was the turbaned teacher; the only one besides Dumbledore who didn't glare at Bart during the Sorting Ceremony.
Heh heh heh, he's a newbie. He'll be even easier to embarrass than I thought, Bart inwardly cackled, before he set about his inglorious work.
"Hey dude. What's with the garlic; do you meet with vampires? Was one of them named Eric Shen?" Bart immediately asked Professor Quirrell, ignoring Daphne's glare, Tracey's rolling of the eyes, the sniggers from Theo, Rachel and Millicent, and the smirks which were exchanged between Draco and his posse at the sight of the previously victimised Muggleborn.
"N-n-n-no, i-it i-is a-actually to w-ward off a R-Romanian v-vampire –"
"Oh, rrrriiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggghhhhhht", Bart interrupted as he feigned acceptance. "Why do you stutter like that? Were you dropped on your head as a baby?"
The class gasped and Professor Quirrell looked affronted as he answered, "N-no, t-the st-stuttering i-is b-because - "
"T-T-T-TODAY TEACHER!" Bart hollered, to gasps and sniggers from most of the class.
When the beleaguered professor tried to respond, Bart asked, "What's with the turban? Are you like a Wizard Hindu or something?"
Rather than interrupting him, Bart then just decided to sit back and enjoy the excruciating sound of Professor Quirrell struggling through a sentence about allegedly being gifted the turban by an African prince because he fought off a zombie.
"Cooooooooooool. So how much human flesh did the zombie eat?" Bart asked in feigned wonder.
"W-well, I-I don't w-want to t-talk about…"
"Did the zombie eat some brains too?"
"I-I don't r-remembe…"
"Did it pop any eyeballs?"
"N-no -"
"Was the prince's name Idi Amin? Oh wait, he used to eat human flesh himself, didn't he?" Bart mockingly asked.
Bart's sarcastic question was met with some looks of befuddlement, because obviously the pure-blood children had no idea who Idi Amin was, but also with wide-eyed looks of horror and a smug chuckle from the reliably misanthropic Zabini.
So he actually has a sense of humour – that's a revelation for the ages, Bart sarcastically thought, having noticed Zabini's lack of reaction to Bart's previous cracks. After some silence, Bart decided to twist the knife some more.
"So was the zombie Voldemort?" asked Bart with feigned innocence.
However, while he expected to get a rise out of the class, he nonetheless underestimated the magnitude of the resultant reaction. Quirrell turned a distinct shade of green, Tracey, Millicent and Rachel gasped, Theo and 'bob-girl' stared at him as if he had just confessed to seven murders, Draco hissed, "How dare you speak of the Dark Lord, Mudblood!", Draco's 'boyfriends' looked even more gormless than normal and an already upset Daphne went red with rage. Even the typically insouciant Zabini stared at him with genuine intrigue.
"Ooooh, tough crowd. Well I'll just be on my way. Nice meeting you, Professor Squirrel", Bart sarcastically said before turning to Draco. "Hey Draco. I challenge you to a wizarding duel, 12pm, second Sunday from now, Slytherin Duelling Dungeon. One-on-one, not me versus you and your stupid friends. Just wands, no other objects. Do you accept? Or are you a coward?"
The whole class gasped as Draco went white with rage. In truth, the blond boy was conflicted about the whole idea. On one hand, he was much more experienced with magic and didn't want to chicken out from fighting someone he considered inferior. Besides, doing so would lose him face in front of his classmates.
On the other hand, he was already serving two weeks of detention and so he had less time to prepare than Bart. Maybe, just maybe, maybe he could fool the Muggleborn into postponing or even effectively nixing the proposed duel.
"Alright Simpson, I accept", Draco sneered. "But I want a second to take my place in case something happens to me."
Bart scoffed, "Nice try, Dra-cone, but I used to fake sickness to teachers all the time before exams. I won't have a second, so you won't either. Accept these conditions or don't accept at all."
"Fine – but you'll regret this, Simpson", Draco spat in rage, having one excuse for avoiding the duel taken away from him.
"Yeah, sure I will", Bart sneered. With that, he gave Draco a mock salute and headed towards the exit. Before anyone could react, he flipped a knut out of his pocket, transfigured it into a skateboard, cast human revealing, disillusionment and silencing charms respectively, and careened away as fast as his skateboard could carry him, with the rest of the Slytherins watching with combined expressions of anger, bemusement and shock.
The whole episode seemed to turn Quirrell into even more of a quivering wreck as he struggled to even form words from then onwards. Eventually, the whole class left, with most of them desiring to mince Bart and feed him to Manticores.
When I see Simpson, I'll make sure he doesn't behave like that again, thought Daphne angrily.
Meanwhile, Bart, having long since vanished his skateboard, decided not to brave the common room. Instead, on discovering that he had Potions with the Gryffindors, he trooped down to the dungeons well ahead of the other Slytherins. To his surprise, he discovered two Gryffindors walking ahead of him; one with raven and the other with red hair.
Wait, that's Harry!, Bart thought as he revealed himself. He then called out, with both Gryffindors turning around in shock. Harry greeted Bart with a smile, whereas Ron looked irritated.
"Hey, Bart! I haven't seen you since the first night!" Harry greeted.
"Well, if it isn't the slimy snake Simpson! Why aren't you with the rest of your snaky friends?" Ron jeered, to which Harry scowled at Ron.
"Well, that's because they probably want to murder me for disrupting Quirrell's lesson and challenging Dra-coma to a duel right in front of them." After they sniggered at Bart's nickname for Draco, Ron and Harry finally registered what Bart had done. When they did so, Ron stared at him wide-eyed and Harry looked confused.
"Magic duel?" Harry asked.
"It's where two wizards fight each other with wands at a time and location of their own choosing", Ron replied, awestruck. "Simpson, I don't know whether to call you awesome or crazy. Malfoy's a pure-blood; he would know how to perform more magic than you."
"Oh, don't you worry. I have a few tricks up the old sleeves", Bart replied with a knowing grin. At this, Ron rolled his eyes.
"Of course, you're a slimy snaky sleazy slippery Slytherin after all. Well, I thought I'd never say this to one of your lot, but good luck Simpson", Ron stated.
"Gee, thanks Ron. Coming from you, that means more than being showered with all the money in that Gringotts place", Bart replied with tongue firmly in cheek, to which Harry chuckled and Ron scowled.
"Find him funny do you, Harry?" Ron asked with rising irritation.
"Well he wants to fight Malfoy, so he's alright in my books, Ron", Harry tersely replied.
After some consideration, Ron admitted, "I guess he's not all bad. But he's still a Slytherin."
"Hey guys? I'm right here", Bart joked, before the door swung open to reveal a man with greasy, black, shoulder-length hair, a hooked nose and cold, black, soulless eyes that surveyed Harry with the coldest hatred he had seen since the last time Sideshow Bob confronted him.
Hey look, it's Batman in disguise! Bart thought to himself upon seeing the man's black cloak.
"Well, isn't this a most touching display of house unity?" the man sneered. "I'm Professor Snape, your potions teacher and Mr. Simpson's head of house. You're obviously our new…celebrity…Harry Potter", the man sneered, drawing out the word 'celebrity' with obvious mocking contempt. "Thought you could upstage your classmates by arriving early, huh Potter? One point from Gryffindor for your arrogance."
Surveying Ron, he sneered, "You're obviously another Weasley. Get inside the classroom with Potter before I dock you points too. I wish to have some words with our newest prankster", surveying Bart with loathing as he drew out the word 'prankster'. They both gave Bart a forlorn glance before shuffling inside.
Bart would normally have been overjoyed at having points taken off other houses, but even he, with his limited sense of fair play, was somewhat taken aback by Professor Snape's obviously arbitrary, unfair behaviour. However, he had little time to contemplate said behaviour before the cloaked professor grabbed him by the arm and pulled him into a classroom corner. Bart, remembering Gemma's advice, assiduously tried to avoid eye contact with the man.
"Listen, Simpson. I know of your deeds in the Muggle world. In fact, you've become something of a legend in the wizarding teaching community because of them. But let it be known that you will not get away with such shenanigans in my class, you unrepentant delinquent. If you put a toe out of line, I will give you a detention. Understand?" Professor Snape hissed venomously.
Upon hearing the word detention, Bart was confronted with the image of Gemma angrily turning him into half a rat. Throwing a resentful glare in Snape's direction, Bart thought, We'll see, Batman, before responding very stiffly, "Yes, sir."
At this Professor Snape released him, briefly wondering why he didn't make eye contact before stalking away.
As soon as the vindictive professor did, Bart surreptitiously vanished and silenced himself when the other Slytherins entered, not wanting to kick-start another confrontation with them so soon. As they passed him, he noted the pickled animals floating in glass jars on the walls and thought, Coooooool. It's like a real-life mad scientist's lab.
After they had all taken their seats, he stealthily sat behind Harry, Ron and Hermione at the very back, and whispered, "Heads up, Harry, I'm right behind you", before revealing himself.
Before Harry could say anything, Professor Snape called Harry's name and again sarcastically referred to him as their new celebrity. Bart would have soaked in the attention, but Harry looked very uncomfortable being called that.
"Oh come on Harry. Enjoy your celebrity", Bart encouraged, which earnt him a glare from Harry.
Unfortunately, as Bart said that, Professor Snape once again referred to Bart as their newest prankster with a glare. Enough so that in fact, that Draco turned to face him and mouthed, "Just you wait, Simpson. You'll get yours."
In response, Bart fleetingly swished his hand as if to remind Draco of their upcoming duel. As Bart expected, this caused Draco to scowl and turn around. Checkmate, dude, Bart thought.
While Bart and Draco were engaging in their little power play, Professor Snape was making what to Bart's ears seemed like an incredibly pretentious speech, replete with lyrical about potion fumes "bewitching the mind" and other assorted magniloquence. He then inferred that most of his students were "dunderheads", which reminded Bart uncomfortably of his kindergarten teacher's disdainful attitude.
I'll definitely have to knock him down a few pegs, Bart thought, still smarting from the earlier confrontation.
"Potter!" Professor Snape barked. "What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?" the hook-nosed man coldly asked, to which Harry admitted ignorance.
"Clearly celebrity isn't everything", Professor Snape sneered.
"Simpson!" the greasy-haired professor continued. "Where would you look if I told you to find me a bezoar?"
Bart knew what his game was; he had seen the likes of Edna Krabappel do it a million times before. Put him on the spot and have him humiliate himself as he said the wrong thing. Unfortunately, he didn't know the answer this time, but that didn't mean he couldn't irritate the professor with his answer.
"I would look where you told me to look."
Professor Snape's eyebrow twitched in irritation at his answer but he nonetheless responded. "But what if I didn't tell you where to look, Simpson?"
"Then I would ask", Bart responded, as if that was the most obvious answer in the world.
The hook-nosed man became ever more irritated but nonetheless tersely replied, "But what if I refused to tell you?"
"Then I wouldn't look", came Bart's innocent reply.
The reactions to Bart's response varied from sniggering, to perplexity, to annoyance. Professor Snape himself looked to be on the verge of exploding. However, he calmed down and promised himself that if Bart took the piss out of him like that again, he would slap him with a detention after class.
"Let's try another question, shall we, Simpson?" the professor sneered. "What is the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane?"
Not knowing the correct answer, Bart considered his reply. He suspected that Professor Snape was all too ready to thrust a detention upon him if he provided yet another smart-alecky quip, thus placing him in Gemma's bad books. In the end, he decided to answer the cloaked man's question…with another question. Hopefully the lack of overt disrespect in doing so would avert a detention.
"Are they similar, or maybe the same?" Bart ventured.
At this, the professor raised his eyebrows, as if surprised that Bart said something that approached a correct answer. Losing his composure briefly, he ordered Hermione, who had her hand raised the entire time, to sit down before quickly regaining said composure.
"Ahhhh Simpson. Despite your obvious lack of insight or knowledge, you managed to stumble upon something approaching a correct answer. However, it would have helped immensely if you had actually read the book. Don't think you can just improvise your way through my class", Snape lectured, being rewarded with a scowl from Harry and sniggers from Draco and his 'boyfriends'.
Damn. Snape and Mal-formed still got one over me, Bart thought, as he just about refrained from sniping back at the antagonistic teacher.
Professor Snape then explained what those substances were before ordering the class to write them down. Naturally, Bart wrote as little on his parchment as he thought he could get away with.
From there, things didn't get much better, as the professor paired them all up and instructed them to conjure up a potion which could cure boils. Unfortunately, Professor Snape paired Bart with a Gryffindor boy who was apparently about as intelligent as he looked – which was to say, not very.
Bart soon realised why the cloaked menace did that – if the Gryffindor stuffed up, then he would humiliate Bart in front of Draco, whom Professor Snape seemed to like, judging by his comparative deference towards the boy. If both Bart and his Gryffindor partner were injured in the process, all the better.
To prevent this, he requested of the other boy, "Hey, um, Neville. Just hand me stuff when I ask you to and I'll prepare it and put it in the cauldron, alright?"
"S-sure", the other boy stuttered, apparently surprised that Bart, a Slytherin, was not only civil towards him, but also addressed him by his first name.
Now, Bart was no Michelin chef, but he could read instructions when the mood took him, and his excellent fine motor skills meant that he could cut, crush and weigh fangs and nettles to the required standard. However, while his potion was adequate, Bart still felt sour at having Snape and Draco get one over him. However, he soon saw the perfect opportunity to get back at them.
He saw Professor Snape and Draco with their backs to him, examining Draco's potion while the cauldron was still on the fire. Draco was looking as smug as ever, so Bart surmised that the older man was stroking his ego. In one fluid motion, Bart whipped out his slingshot, fired a porcupine quill at Draco's cauldron and disillusioned his slingshot before placing it underneath his shoe.
Bart's aim was true; the porcupine quill sped across the room and slammed into Draco's potion with a resounding PLINK! Before Professor Snape could react, the dungeon was filled with loud hissing and acrid green smoke. Draco's cauldron then became a twisted blob, with the potion burning holes into people's shoes as it slowly seeped towards Bart.
Instinctively, Bart hoisted Neville onto the stool and witnessed a most pleasurable sight; Draco and Professor Snape soaked in potion, moaning in pain as they were covered from head to toe in angry red boils.
As soon as the hook-nosed menace was able to recover his bearings, he whipped a Cure for Boils out of his pocket and consumed some himself before giving the rest to Draco.
"Crabbe, Goyle, take Malfoy to the hospital wing to assist in his recovery. I'm going to find out who did this and expel them", Snape spat, with Bart smirking as the terrible trio passed him.
Ok Bart, stay frosty. Don't make eye contact and don't move your shoe.
"POTTER!" Professor Snape barked. "Turn out your pockets!"
When Harry did, Snape found nothing. He also peered into Harry's eyes and seemed surprised by what he saw – no evidence of guilt whatsoever.
So he can read minds, Bart thought.
"One point from Gryffindor for failing to prevent the incident, Potter", Snape finally hissed.
Bart was bemused by Snape's unreasonableness towards Harry, thinking, Man, he really has it in for Harry. Did Harry kick his dog or something?
However, he was momentarily surprised that the professor didn't round on him next, before remembering with a thrill of horror, He won't confront me in front of the Gryffindor students. Snape might be a jerk, but he still has to treat Slytherins better than Gryffindors in some way, because 'house unity'. No, he'll confront me after class.
Bart then surreptitiously collected and pocketed his slingshot, wrote down Snape's homework and, after stealthily silencing and vanishing himself, bolted out the door before the enraged professor could tell him to stay.
Unfortunately, while Bart escaped Professor Snape's clutches, having called for him and received no response, despite various students confirming that he was previously there and had in fact copied down the homework, his vanishing act did not escape the notice of two students: Hermione Granger and Daphne Greengrass. Both wanted to have some sharp, visceral words with Bart regarding his conduct, especially Daphne, who desired to figuratively maul him by this point.
For his part, Bart thought that he was safe from both Daphne and Professor Snape for the time being. He probed his common room for intruders and found nothing out of the ordinary; just a group of students going about their business. He proceeded down the stairs when suddenly, as he entered his dormitory, two pairs of hands roughly shoved him back first into a wall.
He was greeted by a most unwelcome sight; Daphne was inches from his face, with a face as red as Mars. A similarly angry Tracey was standing just to her right. To ensure that he could not move, Daphne had pinned his arms to the wall, while Tracey placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. This made Bart feel seriously uncomfortable, at which Tracey sniggered.
Hope they don't have any cooties, Bart thought, as he realised that Homenum Revelio didn't reveal exactly who was in the area. He was shaken out of his reverie by Daphne's voice, which while being very quiet exuded pure rage.
"You know, Simpson, after all the effort Tracey and I made to meet with you secretly, at possible cost to our reputation, and tell you how to behave among Slytherins, I didn't think that today you would go out and act like the worst type of Gryffindor. In other words, like a complete prat who thinks nothing of causing trouble and doesn't even take the prospect of getting expelled seriously. Plus you still behaved like an American Muggle in using that slang.
Firstly, you disrupt Quirrell's lesson by asking him offensive questions, then you brazenly challenged Malfoy to a duel in front of everyone, then you mentioned You-Know-Who's name, then you left on a Muggle contraption, then you decided to give Snape stupid answers to his questions, then you gave Malfoy and Snape boils out of spite!"
When Bart looked surprised at Daphne knowing this, she responded, "You were the only student in that class who would be reckless enough to do that to Snape, especially since he tried to embarrass you twice. I don't think Potter would have done it; I think he's too polite. That leaves you.
Simpson, none of what you did today was cunning, shrewd or subtle and the only drive you showed was a drive to get expelled."
Daphne felt like slapping Bart for his behaviour, but she didn't want to alienate such a brilliant and potentially helpful talent further. Instead, she took a different approach.
Her original goal was to let Gemma Farley have Bart take care of Malfoy for them and slowly ingratiate Tracey and herself to Bart over a number of years, so that when Farley graduated, Bart would have Daphne and Tracey as his biggest allies and thus would serve their interests more than Farley's.
However, Bart's brazen behaviour put him at risk of getting expelled before that could even occur. Daphne therefore realised that she needed to be very direct to Bart and explain to him exactly what their agenda was. After all, a Slytherin he might be, but he clearly had more than a few Gryffindor traits.
"Bart", deliberately using his first name to ingratiate herself with him just as Gemma did, "I'm frustrated because I want to see you be the great wizard that you have shown that you can be, but it seems that all you want to do is insult teachers, settle scores and play practical jokes.
To be great, you really should listen to us because Tracey and I know the wizarding world much better than you do. I am also a model student, so if you let me help you with your schoolwork you will do well. I also want to help you defeat Malfoy, since I am a better witch than he is a wizard.
As for behaving in class, you should do so because being outside is more fun than being in detention, plus you get more attention outside than in detention", Daphne said with a smile, hoping to manipulate Bart's obvious need for attention.
"That's c-I mean, good. So what will you get in return?" Bart asked, having quickly become acquainted with Slytherin's agenda-driven, quid pro quo modus operandi.
"Simple, Tracey and I receive a chance to become friends with a really talented wizard. We can openly become friends once you defeat Malfoy, because Malfoy's reputation will be discredited next to yours, since he would have shown himself not to have enough power or strength.
When I say that we can openly become friends, I mean that Tracey and I will sit next to you in class, but not in the Great Hall. Older students may still give us grief over openly associating with a Muggleborn", Daphne explained.
"I'm thinking that he might skip the duel", Bart admitted.
"Don't be. If he does, the news will be spread throughout Slytherin House and quite possibly the whole school. Slytherins might not respect bravery like Gryffindors, but that doesn't mean that they appreciate complete cowardice, like a pure-blood refusing to fight a Muggleborn with supposedly little-to-no understanding of magic or the wizarding world after having accepted a challenge.
You'll gain respect because you showed that you could achieve a goal, which was to beat Malfoy, by training and showing up, whereas Malfoy would not have shown that and so he will not receive the same respect."
"That's…a very interesting way of looking at it", Bart contemplated.
Daphne nodded as Bart considered her words. Gemma was Bart's most important ally and would be for the foreseeable future, but although he was infatuated with her, he knew that realistically, she wouldn't always be at Hogwarts. He needed other allies at Hogwarts when she graduated.
"Now I assume that we won't become friends with Theo because his father worked for Voldemort, but what about Millicent and Rachel?"
To that, Daphne responded, "Bulstrode would make an effective enforcer, but not much else. However, she would probably identify with Tracey as a fellow half-blood, so she's worth approaching.
Runcorn's an enigma. Her father works at the Ministry of Magic and while there's no evidence that he served You-Know-Who, I have heard that he sympathises with many of their prejudiced beliefs against Muggleborns. She did shake your hand that night, so she may not feel the same way, but you should be careful around her.
Oh, you also used You-Know-Who's name again, so obviously you don't understand why you shouldn't. The demon actually had a trace on his name which allowed him to track down people who said his name because the people who did, like Dumbledore, were often his enemies. That, and it's not the polite thing to do in modern society. We pure-blood ladies are very much raised to be polite", she noted.
It was then that Bart finally realised why Gemma seemed so uncomfortable uttering Voldemort's name, as Daphne turned her nose up at Bart in a subtle attempt at humour.
Unfortunately, Bart didn't really get the joke, instead simply asking a non sequitur of a question, "How come I needed to use Alohomora Duo to unlock that door when I entered that classroom that day?"
Daphne sighed and replied, "Bart, I used a spell called Colloportus, which locks doors. You needed to specifically use Alohomora or Alohomora Duo to unlock the door. If you didn't know how to do that, we would have opened the door after you told us whom you were."
Bart nodded in understanding, so both Tracey and Daphne released Bart, at which point they all walked out of his dormitory. They let him walk ahead to their Astronomy class, allowing them to watch his back in case Draco had a 'surprise' in store for the Muggleborn.
Unfortunately, Bart found looking at planets and stars every bit as boring as he did that time Lisa gave him a telescope, so Bart did the bare minimum in that class, again jotting down as little as he thought he could get away with. Daphne or Gemma could always give him pointers if he needed them later on, so why try harder?
He had more important things to do after all – like prepare for his upcoming duel with Draco.
Author's notes for Chapter Seven:
How would Bart know about Idi Amin? Well, Lisa admitted that when it came to cruelty, Bart knew his history – and Idi Amin certainly was cruel. The rumours about Idi Amin being a cannibal were never properly verified, but Bart wouldn't care too much about that.
The reference to Lisa giving Bart a telescope, and Bart subsequently finding the universe boring, is from 'Bart of Darkness'.