Chapter 1.7: Give It to Me, Baby

Day 1, 9:12 AM

Qwark hops up casually, dusting himself off. "No one saw me fall, right?"

I'm lying flattened, barely conscious, on the floor. Clank skates up and begins slapping me in the face. "Come on, Ratchet! Skrunch is coming to give you CPR."

I bolt up like I've caught fire, terrified. Buz has the ball—or it has her, being three times her size. She's clinging tight to it as it spirals back towards the ground. Team Flatline's point total is racing upwards.

I move quickly to intercept her, leaping up onto Wun's back to kick off his shoulders. He grabs me by the ankle. "Ooh! Nice try kitty, you go fly now."

He flings me sideways. I won't give out my biological secrets but I still end up landing on my feet. Buz gives a startled shout; moments later the ball whooshes over my head.

Skidd shoots by and his tail slaps me in the back, making me stumble. "Ah! Hey—" Skrunch leaps on my shoulders, propelling himself forward and knocking me to the ground. "Can I get a little—" Buz lands on the back of my head, smashing my face to the floor. "...help."

"Show the cameras your pretty face, Sugar," Noinah taunts, gilding by and picking Buz up. I look up in time to see her collide with the cluster of contestants grappling over the ball. There's a lot of shouting and chicanery as everyone pits with each other, creating a tangle of chaos.

"...oh no, shit nononoNOOO!" Teddy cries, flying from the nucleus of the group. He hits the ground and slides to a stop next to me. "...it blows being small and competing with these big freaks..."

I pat his shoulder gently. "I share your frustrations."

"AAAHHHH!" Clank screams. He's ejected as well.

I stumble up and barely catch him. His helmet's slipped down over his eyes. Clank flails his arms blindly. "Oh dear, Ratchet, where are you?!" he cries. I tilt his helmet up and he gazes into my face, then giggles in embarrassment. "Oh. Heh heh."

By this point all the teams have gotten some points except for us. Ravenda peels himself free from the group with the ball, then jets off without even being noticed.

The crowd screams indignantly as Too's head shoots up from the mound of people like a worm popping up from the dirt. "What the—hey! BROOOO, Rover's gettin' away with the ball!"

"What? Then who am I on?" Wun wonders.

"Me, dude!" Skidd cries.

"Back me up, pal!" I say, then drop Clank like a dead weight before taking off after Ravenda. Crootch sticks his foot out and I trip, going down. "ARGH, that's so cheap!" I groan.

The Kerchu laughs, only to squeak when Noinah seizes him around the head. With a hefty grunt she pitches him across the field in an attempt to hit Ravenda. The dark racer glances over his shoulder, passing around a rising wall.

Crootch slams into the wall instead. The crowd cheers.

"Stop throwing people! That's getting you notoriety!" Qwark pouts, turning to the scoreboard. "Who's got the—HE DOES?!"

Furious, he explodes from the group of competitors, knocking bodies every which way. I stand, only for Buz to fly into my face and knock me down again.

Ravenda passes over a glowing, curved arrow on the ground. His skates stick to it and he's slung along its parabola, startled as he rockets back the way he came. Wun snatches the sphere from him in passing. "Yes! I get!"

Dallas laughs. "OOOH, disappointing loss! Folks, those glowing arrows on the ground are…wha...?" He holds a hand to his ear, scrunching up his face. "Oh, the good Director says we didn't give them a name? How about...?"

"Nitro ramps?" Ophelia tries.

"Speed boosters?" Dallas guesses.

"Accelerators?"

"Juice Jetters? Well, we'll figure it out later! As you all can see, those little doohickeys will either help or hurt you, depending on the position you're in, the context, your life choices…"

"Too bad, so sad, Rover!" Lia adds. "And also...watch your step, competitors..."

Wun doesn't have the ball for long. A mounted blaster rises from the ground. It spits out a stream of puffy white foam, spattering onto the Thug's face. He yells out in surprise and goes down, dropping the Sphere.

"I've got it!" Buz holds her hands out. The ball smashes her to the ground. "Never mind!"

It's coming to me! I catch it, almost having it slip out of my hands. The Solana Sphere has a deceptively slick surface and jitters idly, like it's trying to get me to drop it. My ID rings.

"Ratchet, what are you doing?" Clank cries at me over communications. "Get moving!"

I look around. "Whelp..."

This isn't good, everyone's rushing this way with murder in their eyes. Even Ophelia. She's leaning on her platform, one fist clenched and wearing a manic grin. Yep, time to go!

Dallas hovers up next to me, matching my pace as I flee for my life. "Run, Ratchet, run! Remember what Ophelia said about watching your step, folks?!"

I've already spotted what he's talking about. I prep myself to clear the gap opening up ahead, innocently thinking it's just a hole.

When I jump over it a gust of compressed wind fires up from the depths, catching me square in the middle.

"Oh shiiiaaAAAHHH!"

I go soaring like a firework. The other competitors stop and crane their heads, watching me spiral over the field.

I fall into a net and get flung back to the ground, tumbling wildly to a stop. Firstly, ouch. Secondly, what is it with these stage hazards? Skrunch rushes in from my blind spot, slipping in and catching the ball in his tail.

"C'mere!" I tackle him from behind and we both go rolling along, intertwined around the ball and each other.

Noinah laughs. "You boys having a little too much fun over there..."

I never thought I'd be in a position like this, myself. It was alright as long as Skrunch kept his lips to himself. Like Qwark, he can get pretty affectionate in a moment's notice.

"Oh, look! A banana!" Clank cries in the distance.

Skrunch immediately untangles himself from me, looking around with a wide eye. Clank rushes in, knocking him into a speed panel-accelerator-whatever the heck they're called. With a screech the monkey goes flying off in a hair spin turn, spinning like a ballerina the entire time. I crack up, skating off with the sphere in my hand. "Thanks, pal!"

"NOO! GET THAT LOMBAX! GET HIIIIIIM!" Crootch screams, sounding moments from a catastrophic meltdown. Poor guy. I must really be an obstacle in his quest to get that one-way ticket out of unemployment.

I haven't gone far before both Thugs flank me on either side. Too squats low, then pivots sharply. His sweeping tail whistles through the air. I jump to avoid its whip-like crack. Wun is waiting to grab me, but our size differences are so dramatic that his big arms only catch air.

"Back it up, pickup truck!" I hit the breaks hard. Wun clotheslines over a hurdle and lands with his legs in the air.

"Wha—!" Too stops himself and turns, only to be mowed over by Noinah.

"How much do you want me, old timer?" I taunt.

She cackles. "Call me a cougar and we'll settle it at that for now..."

Pop.

"YAUGGGH!" Noinah suddenly blasts forward, thanks to the speed panel that had suddenly appeared in her path. Okay, now that's just nonsense.

Thankfully she's thrown off by the sudden increase in speed, still making a wild grab for the ball as she passes. Her claws come inches shy of it. The old gal corrects her path and speed quickly, wheeling around for me again.

I hurtle the Solana Sphere at her in a quick pass. She barely puts a grip on it and her arms mush clumsily into each other as it slips upwards. She loses her balance, pitching forward violently. "Aw, 'noid nuts...!"

I leap forward and put my hands over her back, vaulting over her and catching the sphere as it comes back down. "Get dunked on!"

"Show off," Teddy complains. His little legs are a blur as he tries to catch up with me.

"You say that like I'm doing it on—" I slam painfully into a wall. "...oh, the agony..."

Someone plucks the Sphere out of my twitching hand. "Thanks, dude!" Skidd says, then screams at the several hundred pound lizard hurtling his way. A thud and a grunt of pain later, Wun has the ball again.

The big guy is probably the slowest of us all but he still manages to jump over Teddy's and Crootch's ambush, making them both slam into each other.

I chuckle lowly at the sight of them bickering at each other's clumsiness, then notice I have company. Of course it's Qwark, hovering nearby with a wide grin.

"What now?" I drawl.

"Ratchet, didn't you say that white looks good on me? What about black and white?"

"You know by now there's a time and place. Don't act like this."

"Like what? I-I'm not attention starved, okay?"

I ignore him, looking at the score board. Wait, Wun doesn't have the ball anymore and our points are going up…

The Solana Sphere bounces off the back of my head. "Damn it, Clank!" Noinah complains distantly. I look up, preparing to catch the ball. I had it...!

Or at least I would've, if Ravenda hadn't shown up. "Hi," he remarks coolly from behind, knocking my legs out from underneath me. The ball bounces off my chest and into his hands.

"AH HAAA!" I scream, lunging for him. He grunts in surprise but still tries to skate away with me hanging off his waist.

Dallas and Lia hover before us in the distance, instigative. "Oh, now look at that! Ratchet and Ravenda already playing footsies!" Ophelia says.

"And handsies, and legsies, and bodies, and basically anything else that involves touching!" Dallas says. "Man, I haven't seen people this friendly since..."

"Keep it real for the censors, Dallas, they're not finalized." Lia deadpans.

"WH...WHAAAT?!" Qwark bellows.

The sound waves make the stadium, probably the entire Dome, tremble. Qwark is now red in the face, barreling forward recklessly. He plows through Skidd, knocking him into a wall, then shoves Noinah in the way of a speed panel. With a shout she gets redirected to the side, slamming into Wun. They both topple over on each other, groaning.

I'm sweating like crazy. "...oh boy."

As fast as I can, I let go of Ravenda and dive under a hurdle, watching with wide eyes as Qwark roars past seconds later. I can't quite make out what happens, but Ravenda does shout when the big guy bears down on him. The ball goes flying back in the air. I rush out of hiding with my arms outstretched.

Skrunch hops onto my shoulders, then makes a forward leap. I make a grab for his tail, but the end of it curls into a fist and belts me under the chin, making me see stars.

After that, it's a constant, nonstop cycle of back and forth. No one takes it easy on another and no one backs down in their attempt to get the ball.

Wun tackles Skidd into a wall. Clank kicks Qwark in the back. Noinah throws a punch that causes Too to stumble. Teddy struggles to strong arm the ball from Skrunch. The ball is never in someone's sole possession for a full five seconds seconds. The points increase randomly and rapidly.

And at least I know there wasn't a murder on the field, since Ravenda pops back up, maybe a little worse for wear but no less of a problem. More accurately, it's like he's trying to actively be more of a problem for me.

Now, nine times out of ten, every other person or two I encounter is him. For half the passes or catches I try to make, he blocks. He lurks in my blind spots, cutting me off and disrupting my momentum at the worst moments. He takes potshots in passing and they sting.

"Agh!"

One particular shoulder check from him has me reeling back; I stagger, catching myself before I lose my balance. He's already gone, a flicker of black slipping through field partitions.

I'm breathing heavily through clenched teeth. I force myself back into play, not wanting to let my body be tempted to rest. Clank comes up next to me. "You look worn, Ratchet..."

"I'm stellar, what are you talkin' about?" I pant, reaching over to straighten his antennae. "Just a little—ah!"

My left arm. It feels tweaked.

"O-Ow...! I'm gonna be feeling that for a minute. That guy sure is something," I say, panting. "Ahhh...he's uh...starting to take advantage of me not feeling my best, I think."

"Hmm...yes, well...not to be a nag. But if you had made better choices last night..."

"Hoooooo," I let out a loud, obnoxious sigh. "I know, I know, yes, it's all on me, Clank, every minute I spend on the field gasping for breath with a blazing headache, I regret it, alright? Partially. Some good came out of it."

"Maybe...we should stick together and use teamwork?"

Oh.

"Oh," I echo out loud. "I have been sorta leaving you behind. My bad...I'm not really thinking right. Or seeing right for that matter."

"Heh heh, more than normal, you mean? Let us get back focused, shall we?"

I grin. We slap a high five and wink at each other.

Then I look at the board and almost drop dead from shock. We are in FIFTH. PLACE. That's going to get fixed and fast.

We approach a cluster of competitors, heading them off from the side; the sphere is bouncing over their heads, with flailing hands and limbs keeping it in the air. Ravenda isn't in that group. I take a moment to clear our surroundings because I know the guy's stalking us.

"Ratchet, it is coming!"

Clank's warning is on time, but the Sphere zooms in before I can catch it. It bounces off the side of my head, causing me to stumble. Clank hops up, knocking it back and I catch it, giving him a moment to jump on my back before skating off.

"Shit, NO!" Noinah thunders, "All'a ya'll...do NOT let those troublemakers stay together!"

"Troublemakers?" asks Clank.

I shrug. "Not a new one, but I agree nonetheless."

Since most of them had been in that group there's no one ahead of us to be an obstacle. I'm on my second wind now, quickly outpacing the group clamoring behind us, weaving around the walls and avoiding any of the stupid arrows, which of course are now pointing in the opposite direction.

"It's about time Team Cruise began acting like they're playing a game!" Lia says.

"And, oh! Here he comes fast and hard, folks! Here comes Ravenda!" Dallas yells.

I'd say the warning helps, but I can't SEE the guy coming like the previous hundred times. When I finally catch a glimpse of him he's coming out of nowhere, weaving around a wall and rocketing towards us.

"Ratchet, turn me to him!"

I alter my path slightly and spin, riding out on my momentum. Clank lets go of my neck and pushes off.

On the cameras, he makes a beeline for the dark racer, hopping and transitioning into a slide. He kicks Ravenda's feet out from under him, making him fall to his front.

"Ha!" I weave around Ravenda and hold my arm down for Clank to climb back up.

The crowd roars. "That's more like it, baby!" Lia screams into the air. Her hair's come undone and she's lost her glasses.

"She is so spirited." I say. "I wonder how she'd react if I laid down so we get mobbed together?"

"Are you serious?"

"Halfway, to be honest. Don't you have an idea or something that'll be a glamorized pain deterrent for me? I notice no one's been beating up on you."

"With you present that has always been a general constant in our lives. I do not believe I ever thanked you for that."

"You're welcome, you little cackling nutcracker."

"On the topic of ideas...do you believe you can fly?"

"That I can touch the sky? Again?" I groan. "That doesn't sound painless, pal of mine."

"I gave you a nine out of ten the last time you flew. Your take off and form were brilliant especially for it being so improvised. Your landing was to be desired, however the gymnastics following did save your score from lowering further."

"I hate you sometimes."

I'm still a bit grouchy as he gives me more details about this great idea of his. It's great because it isn't spectacular.

Clank soon drops off my back discreetly, slipping behind a wall where he'll wait for now.

Still, this is the longest we've had the ball! We've already moved up two places, with Noinah and Buz in second and Ravenda in first.

With a exhale, I spin to face the rest of the stadium. Not having the ball so long seems to have made everyone go into some sort of rage mode and there's not a single face that looks like it doesn't want to skin me alive. Ravenda is gaining the most momentum, eyes alit and nose pointing sharply at me.

Laughing maniacally, I zoom for a nearby air vent and throw the Sphere in it before following it moments later. This time I maintain my balance as I shoot straight forward in an arc, the ball spinning several meters ahead of me. The ground plummets and everyone shrinks, gathering below like a school of Swarmers.

I reach the peak of my height, hanging suspended in the middle of the lights and the cameras for a breathless moment. With a little boost from my skates I shoot forward, rearing back and putting all my energy into a spinning kick. The Sphere shoots through the air like a glowing comet.

Dozens of yards away, Clank stands pointedly with his hands outstretched. By now the others are clued in and change targets with no lack of swearing and complaining.

Clank jumps to intercept it. He's knocked back, doing a flip, bouncing once, then lands on his feet again.

"OOOOOOH, look at that, folks! Strategy instead of mind-numbing brutality?" Dallas exclaims, spinning an arm in the air and fist pumping. "Clank is just the gift that keeps on giving!"

Everyone is now in hot pursuit, already quickly closing the distance. My landing is a bit shaky but at least it's not face first again.

"That was perfect that time!" Buz says. "Gimmie some dap!"

"Sure thing!" I say. Instead she hops on my face, grabbing hold tight. Now I can't see. Unreal.

"Everyone, let's dogpile Clank!"

My ears shoot up. That'd come from Too. Due north east it is, then. I hone into him like a missile, just about ramming the soul from his body.

"What the, WHAT?!" Buz cries.

I laugh, asking, "You really wanna be a crash test dummy, don't you?"

I charge off wildly. She takes the threat seriously and takes off. I screech to a halt, moments before I would've fallen into a pit of maple syrup.

Now Clank is about to get ganged up on anyway. Skidd and Ravenda are the closest, and are stiff arming each other. I wince when they collide near Clank's position. The sphere shoots into the air when they do. I take off.

Pop.

A wall appears in front of me and I wreck right into it.

Moments later I blink awake, finding myself sprawled on my back. I'm angrier at the fact that the wall is gone, like it'd never laid me out in the first place. This field really has my number.

"You okay there, Ratchet?" asks Qwark, now suddenly next to me again. "You look kinda down..."

"Because THINGS ARE SPAWINING instantaneously on the field!" I say, irate. "They're not actually here, they're just showing up outta thin air!"

"Well, I did help design invisible stage hazards," Qwark says thoughtfully. I'm now realizing he has the ball. "But between you and I, those were for events later on in the week. About the whole teleporting objects thing, that's news to me."

I stand up carefully. "Oh yeah? Tell me more..."

Before I can pounce on him something lands on my back, covering my eyes.

"What the, WHO IS THIS?!" I cry, stumbling around blindly.

It's Skrunch again. He has seriously been another problem so far. I try pulling him off but he's welded himself to my head, squeezing all the air from my lungs with how tight he's got his legs crossed in front of my chest. He's so big that unlike Buz he can cover my eyes and ears.

"Hand it over, Captain!" Skidd yells. I'm too disoriented to discern where his voice is coming from. "I'm doing too epic to start choking now!"

"You think you can match all this lean beef?" Qwark asks.

"'course I can! When I move in like a shadow, dude, I'm virtually unstoppable!"

"Say cheese and die!" Buz screams. A sudden explosion rocks the stadium. The crowd gasps.

"Wh-What was that attack?" asks Wun.

"Dunno, I was too busy looking at our piss-poor score." Teddy grumbles.

"Get offa me, you butt-scratching cyclops!" I snap.

"I'm getting drunk off this tension, folks!" Lia exclaims. "Someone might end up committing a crime of passion!"

Skrunch lets go, shoving me in the back. I stagger and get my bearings, staring around wildly. Ravenda simply swats the ball away from an incensed Buz and Too tries to catch it, but it slips through his hands like ice and rebounds off his face, making his eyes spin.

"By the way, was what Buz did even allowed?" Dallas asks distractedly.

"Maybe. I wasn't looking," says Lia. "But this is the first installment of the games, so our parameters are sort of evolving on the fly. It's...kinda like show-and-tell in Pre-K where you brought nuclear weapons to show off! Right? Anyone else do that, or was it just my graduating class?"

"I've got it!" Teddy yells.

"No, I've got it!" Crootch snaps, elbowing his partner out of the way. He catches the Sphere and his fingers hold onto it for a second, until Wun comes in and punches the ball hard with a roar. It ricochets rapidly between their faces until they both topple over, stunned.

I collapse, laughing so hard I almost start dry heaving. Clank shows up, giggling. "Oh, for goodness' sake, Ratchet…"

"It's do or hopefully-not-die time, people!" Lia exclaims, "Time's snuck up on the weary! In these last thirty seconds, points are not doubled, but tripled! Who's gonna take advantage of this?! Who'll send someone else home in a coffin? Don't say your mother!"

"Nah, say your mother," Dallas adds. "We don't judge here."

"Triple points? Oh yeah, I forgot about that little tidbit," Qwark says, looking a bit disheveled with his crooked antenna and black eye. The ball flies to him and he fumbles it. Qwark trips over the Solana Sphere, going down like a giant log and lands on Noinah. "Get your big ass offa me!" she snaps.

Buz jumps and makes a grab for it, but it sails over her head. "Damn it!" It bounces off a partition and back to her. She pounces, missing again. "TRIPLE damn it!"

The ball bounces through legs and past frantic, reaching hands, back towards us.

Clank hops up. He lands on it, skating in reverse and rolling on it with his arms behind his back.

I stick my fingers in my mouth and whistle, cheering him on. Teddy is practically having a heart attack, pulling at his ears with a hysterical scream. "How in the actual HELL, you CANNOT tell me that this isn't rigged!" he yells.

Clank's fun time is over soon. Skidd, sporting a swollen lip, slides in from the side, knocking the ball out from underneath him and causing him to plummet to the ground. "No more points for you, bro!"

"Yeah, thank you!" shouts Noinah, grabbing the ball as it flies into her. "Bro!"

"Only Wun, Too, Tree, are related here!" Wun thunders, uppercutting the ball out of her hand. It flies towards Clank's direction again and he holds his hands up on reflex but it's well over his head.

I've reached him by now. "Come on, pal, we—"

I spot Ravenda out the corner of my eye as he comes out from behind cover. We both look at each other then make a break for the ball. Clank yelps but hangs on tight to my shoulder.

I bare my teeth and lean forward, pushing my legs as hard as I can. Next to me Ravenda is doing the same thing, his nose the tip of the aerodynamic machine he was. The Sphere is bouncing closer and closer to the wall of the field. Neither of us is dissuaded, pouring on the speed.

"Hey now, what's this?" Dallas yells, keeping pace with us as he hovers along. "Two, no, three contestants playing chicken!?"

"Don't know about you folks, but this is a noooo go!" Lia says, hovering on our other side. "Who's got the doctor on the line?"

Every seconds slower, every bounce is longer…several dozen feet…but I can feel it, I'm not going to make it first. Ravenda is already slowly gaining inches on me. My blood is boiling and I glance sideways at Clank. He nods resolutely.

"Hey, Ravenda," I pant. "This is where you learn that two against one isn't good odds for you!"

He grunts and doesn't realize what I mean until I haul back, hurtling Clank as hard as I can.

"Oh! He shoots!" Dallas cries, as the crowd screams.

Ravenda stammers wordlessly. He's cowed, and it's just the moment I need.

I lunge sideways, putting all my strength in a tackle that sends Ravenda in a reckless, out of control spiral to the side.

Clank doesn't reach the ball before it hits the wall. It rebounds right into his arms.

I'm there to catch them both and the impact pitches us back. Within the same split second I hit the ground, and the entire stadium erupts.

"And THEY SCOOORE!" Lia explodes, leading the roar of the entire stadium. "That makes the end of round ONE, folks, in which Team Cruise takes first!"

What I feel now is indescribable. With all the ruckus, and Clank lying on my chest, holding the Sphere up so it catches the bright lights...my eyes are unfocused. My head spins. I feel like I'm tripping hard and oh, my heart is going wild...

"All pain, all gain, I suppose," Clank says. I get up and grab both of his wrists, making him drop the Sphere, then begin spinning him around on the spot. "Oh, Ratchet...!"

"That was awesome!" I yell. "I freaking LOVE you, man!"