Chapter Four

Harry's eyes widened in shock.

"Dobby!" he exclaimed under his breath.

Ron frowned.

"This must be for me", the lanky lad surmised. "I'm a celebrity now, so he'd know who I am."

Harry frowned.

"I didn't know house elves could write."

"They can do loads of things. I guess they can also learn to write. But I don't think the Malfoys taught him…", Ron replied as he thrust the barely legible note in Harry's direction.

"I guess not", Harry replied, cocking his head curiously before pressing on. "But why didn't he just stay and talk?"

"Well, we're a big family. Obviously he was worried about someone else seeing him."

"You think he left Bart and Farley a note?"

Ron snorted.

"Of course. Everyone knows who they are…"

The redhead's instincts were on the mark, for at that very moment, Bart and Gemma were trading notes while sitting on her four-poster bed.

"Who the hell taught him to write? Mr. Magoo?" Bart scoffed as he suppressed a laugh.

"I don't think anybody did", Gemma dryly surmised. "A five-year old could write better than this."

"You'd think he just save himself the trouble and tell Dumbledore."

"Well, he did pinch your file from his office. Maybe he was looking for him."

"Maybe he should've looked harder."

"Maybe house elves aren't that logical. One owned by the Malfoys certainly wouldn't be."

Bart laughed.

"Yeah, ol' Drainy can barely put one foot in front of the other without making an ass of himself. What hope does their goddamn house elf have?"

Gemma laughed.

"True – and I'm glad that you've largely refrained from using such language until now."

Bart smiled warmly.

"I try my best."

Gemma chuckled and ruffled his hair.

"I know you do."

Bart closed his eyes and smiled.

Bart's good mood continued until breakfast on the day they were due to return to Hogwarts. True to form, Sleazy had served up some fabulous French Breakfast Puffs.

I didn't think Sleazy could top that cassoulet. How wrong I was, Bart mused as the tangy taste of cinnamon swept over his taste buds. At that moment, he only knew pleasure, until…

He suddenly leapt upright as shock surged through his system.

"I have to go back to Springfield! Dumbledore will be picking me up soon!" Bart exclaimed, panic filling his eyes.

Jake leant back on the cushioned golden chair and put his hands behind his head before giving the young prodigy a knowing smile.

"He will be doing no such thing."

Bart's jaw dropped.

"Uh – why?"

"The headmaster and I have already agreed that you are safer here than in Springfield, and that we will be transporting you to Platform 9 ¾."

Bart looked faintly suspicious, not quite believing that Dumbledore would be so accommodating. After all, at heart he was a ruthless control freak – or so Gemma said.

"How did you make him do that?"

"By reasoning that allowing us to transport you would ease his busy schedule."

Bart nodded before continuing.

"Fair enough. But why were you even talking to him? I didn't think that you and Dumbledore were that close."

"We're not", Jake agreed. "But unlike our dear friends at Malfoy Manor, we are on friendly enough terms to exchange civil…correspondence…when necessary."

"But why was it necessary?"

"Well, Gemma told me some time ago that Dumbledore was monitoring you quite avidly. I reckoned that if I wasn't upfront with Dumbledore about keeping you here, he would be more suspicious of our intentions than if I was simply honest and upfront with him."

Fair enough. But I still don't think he's telling me everything. Never mind; I'll take it as it comes.

After slumping down in sheer relief, Bart's face erupted into an anticipatory grin.

"When you say transport, do you mean…"

Jake smiled. "Yes, we will be taking the car. I trust that you're a good driver?"

Bart smirked.

"I sure am…"

True to his word, Bart soon commandeered the car. As the Heads-Up Display before him continuously recalibrated the car's distance from King's Cross, he mused to himself.

Give a medal to the dude who invented expanding cassette players and collision control, he thought, tapping his hand on the plastic steering wheel as Radar Love's bassline throbbed away. Makes driving on the other side of the road so much easier. Enchanted mufflers and expanding cars are pretty cool too, especially ones that fit four people, two owls and two big-ass trunks.

"Bart, can you please go a little faster? I'd like to watch some grass grow on the Quidditch pitch", Gemma teasingly asked.

"Caaaan do, Gemma", he slickly replied. Sorry about this, Drain-o. Well, not really, he thought, looking down on the transfigured brick with Draco's face on it. With a chuckle, he pressed down on the brick and shifted gears as the car veritably surged through the sky. I've never enjoyed using a Sticking Charm so much before.

"Much better", Gemma replied, leaning back on the plush leather seat next to him.

"Sure is", Bart casually remarked, exuding cool with his Ray-Ban Aviators as he navigated the sky, out of mind and sight thanks to the car's professionally-fitted Invisibility Booster.

"Muggles have a much more diverse array of songs than wizards do. I suppose that they needed other ways to entertain themselves in the absence of magic", Jake observed.

"I guess so", Bart agreed in a slightly more formal tone. "And Invisibility Boosters."

"Indeed."

"You know, I really liked that song they were playing in that Muggle music shop next to Diagon Alley. All That She Wants, I think it was", Gemma noted.

"Yeah, it was great." For a shooting disc.

Missing the snark in Bart's voice, Gemma nodded. "And this song is much more interesting than Kool Thing", she noted as a brass section joined the song's drum solo to create something truly dramatic.

"It's also a great driving song."

"That too."

The car's 'DESTINATION' button suddenly beeped and flashed red.

"Well, we're there", Bart noted before pressing the 'CONFUNDO' button, misdirecting every functional thing within a given radius. The HUD quickly changed.

"MISDIRECTION APPLIED."

Perfecto, Bart thought, sending the car downwards by easing the gearstick forward to 'LAND'. The quartet quickly found themselves alone and anonymous in the car park.

This is too easy, Bart smugly thought, shutting the car and its features off by pressing his right index finger where the ignition would normally be.

Before long, they ran into none other than…

"The Weasleys", Bella noted.

The redheaded gang swirled around, as did Harry.

"Hey look, everyone! It's Queen Gemma and her consort!" Fred joked.

"And hello to you too, court jesters", Gemma drawled.

Fred and George simultaneously grabbed their groins.

"Ooooh, feeling the pain!" they both jibed before bursting into laughter. Bart chuckled alongside them before Gemma silenced him with a death glare.

Arthur and his children offered muted greetings, but Molly wasn't in the mood. Instead, she stormed right up and prodded her finger into Jake's chest.

"Just what were you thinking Farley, sending Harry to us in that state?"

Jake sighed.

"He was 'in that state' when we picked him up, Molly."

"And you didn't bother feeding him? Or offering him something to drink?"

"He wanted to visit you right away, so we obliged him."

"Well, he's a child! You should have insisted!"

"Against his will? Only a Gryffindor would think that's a good idea."

Molly's face turned red.

"You leave Gryffindor out of this!"

"Molly, please…", Arthur weakly pleaded.

"Oh no, do continue Molly. Maybe we can put on a good show for the entire station", Jake sneered as bystanders stopped to watch their altercation.

Molly looked around and huffed.

"Fine. But this isn't over, Farley", Molly warned as she stormed off.

"Well, we know who wears the pants in that family", Bart drawled. Some bystanders laughed, as did Fred and George, while Gemma slapped the back of his head. Meanwhile, Ron scowled while Harry adopted the same studied expression he displayed at the press conference.

"OW!" Bart yelled, to yet more laughs.

Molly swirled around and narrowed her eyes angrily.

"And teach that boy some respect!"

When you've earnt it, Jake thought before smirking at Molly. "By all means."

Molly just scowled before storming back and barking out orders.

"Right! Arthur, Ginny and I will go first! Fred and George, you go second! Percy, you can go third!" Molly ordered before turning to Harry and indulgently smiling.

"Harry dear, would you like to go first with Ron? Or are you two OK with going last?"

"Well I think that the family celebrity should go first. The paparazzi have waited long enough", George drawled. Bart, Ginny and Fred laughed, Ron scowled, and Percy pretended not to hear anything. Meanwhile, the Farleys were surveying the spectacle like they were back at the theatre.

Molly silenced him with a sharp look before Harry replied.

"We'll go last, Mrs. Weasley."

Ron quickly nodded in agreement.

"Aw come on, be a good sport, Ron! Enjoy your publicity!" Fred joked.

Great, three Simpsons for the price of one, Ron thought as he narrowed his eyes at Fred.

"Quiet, Fred", Molly warned before turning to her husband and daughter. "OK, you two. On my mark…GO!" she cried. Before long, only Ron and Harry were left behind. Bart quickly nodded at them before turning to the Farleys.

"OK, it's our turn", Bart remarked before slicking back his hair. Gotta look good for the paparazzi.

The Farleys nodded.

"OK. One, two, three, GO!" Jake commanded as the quartet rushed forward.

Unfortunately for Bart, he wouldn't break on through to the other side, for after Gemma vanished…

BAM!

"ARGH, WHAT THE HELL?" Bart yelled as he landed flat on his back.

The guard stormed up to him while Harry and Ron rushed over.

"What's going on here?"

"I landed on my butt, that's what!" a red-faced Bart yelled. "Now can someone give me a hand?"

The guard quickly grabbed Bart's left hand and pulled him up.

"You OK, lad?"

"Yeah, I think so", Bart replied. My butt's gonna be mighty sore tomorrow.

The guard nodded.

"Next time, be careful with those trolleys. They can be tough for kids to handle", the guard ordered before storming away.

Bart scoffed. After making sure that he was OK, Ron and Harry placed their hands on the wall.

"The barrier's been sealed!" Ron gasped, his freckled face turning milk white. "We'll miss the school train at this rate!"

A devilish grin spread across Bart's face. Speaking of that real cool ride…

"Well, that is rather unfortunate", Bart glibly noted. "But what would you rather travel in – an old train, or an Aston Martin?"

Harry's eyes widened as he took the hint. "Are you saying that…"

"That's right", Bart smoothly replied. "Follow me, boys."

Meanwhile, on the other side of the barrier…

"OK, is everybody here?" Arthur asked.

"Yes, dear."

"Yes."

"Yes, father."

"Here as here can be."

Arthur then looked around.

"Wait…where are Harry and Ron?"

"It seems that they're a little tardy, Arthur", Jake jokingly replied as he strode up. "But we have everybody here, don't we?"

"Yes, darling."

"Yes, father. Isn't that right, Bart…" Gemma trailed off when she realised that she was talking to an empty space. It was then that the penny dropped, with her skin paling from its usual porcelain.

"BART!"

Meanwhile, Harry and Ron were following Bart.

"What's an Aston Martin?" Ron whispered. Harry whispered back.

Oh of course the Farleys could afford some Muggle superhero's car, Ron thought, his expression betraying his envy. Nothing but the best for Simpson the Great!

Before long, Bart reached the car before circling it hungrily.

"Here it is, boys. 432 horsepower, four leather seats, and a top speed of 150 miles per hour. You can call it an Aston Martin V8, but I call it…The Green Machine", Bart remarked before leaning forward invitingly. "Now what would you rather ride in – a dingy old train with Drain-o, or this baby?"

"The car", the Gryffindors automatically replied.

Bart's smirk widened.

"I thought so."

Harry then eyed the licence plate before furrowing his brow.

"S401 BJS?" Harry asked suspiciously as the trio placed their belongings in the car. BJS…sounds like it could be Bart's initials.

"Had it custom-made", Bart lied before pressing his right index finger where a keyhole would normally be. Bart sat himself down before giving the Gryffindors a Mona Lisa smile.

"Hop in. We'll catch them."

After the Gryffindors complied, Bart pressed the 'DESTINATION' button.

"Hogwarts", he called before the HUD lit up like one of Fred and George's fireworks displays.

"Wicked!" Ron and Harry both cried. Bart smirked.

"Sure is", he replied before pressing the 'CONFUNDO' button. After the people around them disappeared for parts unknown, Bart pressed the 'INVISIBILITY' button and kickstarted the car.

"Drive me Bart, drive me!" the engine purred.

Don't worry baby, you'll be far beyond driven, Bart thought, responding in the affirmative by putting pedal to the metal before forcing the gearstick down to 'FLY'.

"Strap your belts on, boys. This'll be one hell of a ride", Bart noted before slipping a tape into the cassette player and shifting gears. As a fiery burst of guitar blasted through the car, the boys' heartbeats skyrocketed alongside the odometer. Their mouths were dry, their eyes were wide, and they were speeding through the sky in a supercar; this was living! This was what it meant to be alive!

But Bart wasn't done living just yet, as the song reached a crescendo.

"I'M A SPEEEEEEEEEED KING!"

"Sure am!" Bart exclaimed, grinning maniacally before slamming the gearstick forward and sending The Green Machine barrelling downwards.

Just minutes before, Daphne, Tracey and Millicent were sitting in a compartment.

"Why should I help you two?" Millicent asked. "Pansy's pretty nice."

Daphne's sapphire blue eyes burnt through her rather plain brown ones. "But is Malfoy?"

Millicent frowned. "He doesn't even talk to me."

Daphne's lips curled upwards in triumph. "I thought so. To him, everybody who isn't a pure-blood is worthless garbage."

Millicent's eyes blazed with indignation. "But that's not right!"

"Of course not, but that doesn't stop him. His parents are the same."

Millicent looked over at Tracey, who nodded in agreement before speaking up.

"She's right, Millie. Malfoy might not like Daphne, but he at least acknowledges her when we pass him and his gang. He just pretends that I don't exist."

Millicent clapped her left fist into her right hand before sighing.

"But Pansy's family helps mine out. I can't just tell her to sod off."

Daphne smirked.

"You don't have to. Actually, we'd rather that you acted like nothing has changed.

But whatever her family's giving you, we can match – and then some. Her family's one of the poorer pure-blood families, which is probably why she sucks up to Malfoy.

Listen, as soon as the Great Feast is over, I'll owl my father and ask him to send some money into your family's Gringotts account every fortnight. But first, you must take Tracey's hand."

Millicent gasped.

"You want me to complete an Unbreakable Vow?"

Daphne nodded solemnly.

"But why?"

Daphne sighed.

"Well, because I don't want Pansy finding out about this. Pansy doesn't like either of us very much, so I think that she'll accuse you of betrayal before cutting off funding to your family.

And even if she doesn't herself, there's a very good chance that Malfoy will just tell her to, because he would think that assisting half-bloods is completely pointless. Your family will be much poorer afterwards."

Millicent sighed, realising that she had little choice in the matter.

"Alright", she muttered before taking Tracey's extended hand. Daphne whipped out her wand and muttered an incantation before a thin but brilliant red flame slowly but surely wrapped itself around Millicent and Tracey's clasped hands.

"Will you, Millicent, be my ally and Daphne's?"

"I will."

"Will you, Millicent, help Daphne and me whenever we ask you to, as much as you can?"

"I will."

"And will you, Millicent, agree not to tell anybody that we are allies?"

"I…will", Millicent croaked, on the verge of tears.

Daphne smirked.

"It is done."

Tracey smiled before letting go of Millicent's hand.

"You won't regret this, Millicent", Daphne exclaimed as her eyes shone triumphantly.

Just then, the three turned their heads upwards.

"What's that noise?" Daphne asked.

The trio listened intently as the hum progressively turned into a roaring din.

Tracey's hazel eyes suddenly flashed with recognition.

"Don't tell me that's a…"

WHAM!

The three witches toppled over as the whole carriage shook. A deafening noise then ripped across the carriage before flying upwards.

The trio looked askance before they saw a wavy brunette mane fly past their compartment.

Daphne and Tracey looked at each other, as they knew that could only mean one thing.

Bart!

Just moments before…

"SIMPSON, WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING?" Ron yelled while Harry's eyes widened.

"Saying hi to our classmates!" Bart replied before the car slammed onto the top of the train. The boys were nearly launched out of the car, but Bart couldn't get enough, laughing maniacally before using the carriage as a drag strip.

"He's gone mad!" Ron gasped. Luckily he was proven wrong, for Bart shifted the gearstick and propelled The Green Machine into the air just in time.

"Did you enjoy the ride, fellas?"

Ron groaned. "Just…just take us to Hogwarts, Simpson."

Bart's face erupted into a truly twisted grin.

"What was that, Ron? You wanna say hi to Drainy?"

"NO!"

"You got it!" Bart cheerily replied as he turned the car back around.

"ARRRRRRRRRGGHH!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Harry just groaned.

Moments later, Hermione heard a noise from outside the train.

"It's that noise again", she exclaimed under her breath as she looked around. She didn't have to look long though, for the noise progressively became louder and louder.

Both she and Neville spun around with a start, as the raw power emanating from The Green Machine made itself felt.

"No", she muttered. "No, it can't be…"

Unfortunately for her, it very much was. There, giving her a smartass wave, was none other than Bart Simpson.

"Is – is that Bart?" Neville gasped.

Hermione snapped and turned to Neville.

"Yes! But why is he driving a flying car in broad daylight?"

"What's a car?"

Hermione groaned before pinching her face.

"Just…never mind, Neville."

Bart laughed at Hermione's frustrated expression.

"OK, can we go to Hogwarts now, Simpson?"

"Of course not! We haven't even said aloha to Drain-o yet!" Besides, I owe him a lil' something.

Ron groaned while Bart shifted out of 'CRUISE CONTROL' and sped along.

As he did, a trio of Ravenclaws were busy theorising.

"You know, it'd be pretty funny if You-Know-Who turned out to be a half-blood or a Muggleborn", Terry Boot mused.

"Why, because he's all about pure-blood supremacy?" Sue Li asked.

"Yeah. It'd be like someone leading the Nazi Party when they're on the Nazis' death list."

"Or like someone claiming to be a wartime hero when they don't know what a war is", Anthony Goldstein observed.

"Shhh! Don't mention the war!"

As the three chuckled to themselves, they suddenly spun around.

There, before them, was a flying car speeding past.

Terry's eyes widened into saucers the size of dinner plates.

"OK, that's the most absurd thing I've heard or seen today."

Meanwhile, Fred and George, having sighted The Green Machine from their compartment, ran into the hall.

"It's Barty the Banisher!"

"Quick, Fred! We must follow!"

The twins sprinted after The Green Machine before it suddenly stopped in front of a compartment. Realising whom was inside, they giggled before surreptitiously sliding the door open.

However, the compartment's occupants had no time to react, for they heard a horn toot behind them. Turning around, Draco and his posse were confronted with…

"Simpson?" Pansy gasped while Draco scowled.

Bart responded in the affirmative by grinning at them maliciously before turning around, dropping his pants, and giving the posse a bad case of Full Moon Fever.

"HAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" the twins crowed from the doorway before a certain prefect shoved them aside and burst into the compartment. Said prefect then stood next to the posse, who were too busy looking outraged at the spectacle outside to care.

"Hey look, it's Queen Gemma, out for the kill!"

"SHUT UP, WEASLEYS!"

For his part, Bart was busy wiggling his bottom before Harry gasped.

"Bart, it's Farley!"

WHAT? Bart thought, turning his head around and seeing Gemma snarl at him from inside.

"OH CRAP!" Bart cried before frantically pushing the 'INVISIBILITY' button, sitting back down and scramming. The two Gryffindors, who were busy keeping their heads down so they wouldn't be seen with Bart, could do little but laugh.

After a little while, Harry asked Bart a question.

"Hey Bart…I mean, I think he deserves it and all, but why did you moon Malfoy?"

"I promised my sis that I'd shove my butt in his smug prick face."

Both Gryffindors chuckled before Ron spoke up.

"Hey Simpson."

"Yo."

"Why the hell did Rita Skeeter write nicer things about you and Farley than me?"

Bart's expression became blissful.

"Ah, that. See, it's like this, Ron. She came to the manor and asked me and Gemma a few questions before Jake stunned her. He then vanished her quill, erased her memories of the interview and the quill, added a few fake ones, and then sent her back to whoever the hell she works for. Simples."

Ron quietly gnashed his teeth as Harry made to console him.

"Never mind, Ron. You're still more famous than your brothers."

Ron nodded at Harry before sighing.

"Yeah, but it's not all it's cracked up to be, really."

"I disagree", Bart smarmily replied.

Yeah, of course you would, Ron thought as he glared at Bart. Your brothers haven't been giving you lip, plus you haven't had to stop nutters from sending you stuff.

Harry then continued.

"Bart…who do you think sealed the barrier?"

"Dobby, I guess. I mean, who else could it be?"

"Then how did Farley get through?"

Bart cupped his chin in thought.

"Hmmm…Bella and Gemma were next to each other. Obviously Dobby didn't want to risk leaving Bella behind, because Bella would figure out how to get to Hogwarts faster than a few kids would. Or so he thought", Bart replied, his smirk growing as he tapped the steering wheel.

Yet again, Harry found himself before his knees against none other than Quirrell.

"Quirrell, you may kill him."

Out of the corner of his eye, Harry saw Bart hang his head like a condemned man. However, before Quirrell could end the Slytherin's life, Harry's instincts kicked into gear. Like a cheetah, he leapt at Quirrell, knocking the turbaned menace to the floor before clinging on to his face for dear life. It was like something within his very blood, something transcending mere logic, was guiding him.

"AAAAARRRRGGGHH!" Quirrell screeched as his skin began dissolving into a bloody goo. The epidermis, dermis and hypodermis melted away under Harry's touch, leaving only a skull, and then ash. A black wraith then confronted him. Surely Harry was doomed; how could he stop such a being? But just after the wraith lunged –

"AGH!" Harry thrust himself upright, only to find himself next to Ron.

"Are you alright, mate?" Ron asked, placing his hand on Harry's shoulder.

"Yeah, you ok dude?" Bart asked, his brow creased with concern.

Harry, who was sweating profusely, took a few deep breaths and shrugged Ron off.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Just a nightmare", Harry replied as his heartbeat slowed.

Bart's eyebrows shot up.

"About what, man?"

"Quirrell."

"But he's dead, dude."

"That doesn't mean he can't have nightmares about him, Simp –"

Harry raised his hand up, silencing Ron before he could start an argument.

"Yeah, but it was a pretty crazy experience. Don't you ever think about him?"

Bart sighed.

"Not really, Harry. He's not coming back. But maybe you should get some help." And maybe I should let Lisa know. At least she won't blow her top if I tell her this.

Harry shook his head. He wasn't ready to reveal such things to complete strangers – not yet, anyway. After all, it wasn't like the Dursleys indulged him, so why would a stranger? Wanting to change the subject, he turned to that old standby – current affairs.

"So I'm guessing you saw Fudge's safety tips in the paper, Bart?"

Bart scoffed.

"Yeah, I did. It read like a goddamn hurricane warning. Seal doors. Seal windows. Set up wards. Prepare a Portkey. Pray to God, Mary, Jesus, Satan and Percy's pantalones."

As the boys in the back sniggered, Bart pressed on.

"So Ron, who's the owl?"

"Her name's Hera. She's an Eastern screech owl."

Well, it kind of looks like Ron, Bart noted, observing its reddish-brown hue before continuing.

"Better not let it near Balthazar, then."

"Wouldn't dream of it."

"By the way, who's the black dude who has classes with me? I keep forgetting his name."

"Ummm…Blaise Zabini", Ron replied.

"More like Blouse Zucchini", Bart sniggered to stifled laughter from the back. "What about Drainy's two boyfriends? I keep forgetting their names."

The Gryffindors snorted.

"Crabbe and Goyle", they automatically replied.

Bart burst out laughing.

"CRABBE AND GOYLE? MORE LIKE 'CRAP AND BOIL'!"

The two Gryffindors roared in laughter as The Green Machine roared onwards.

As day turned into night, and the clouds were joined by stars, a voice whispered ominously over an idling guitar riff.

Harry groaned. "I wish we had something to drink. I'm thirsty."

Bart frowned momentarily before encouraging Harry.

"So do I, man. But don't worry. We're way ahead of schedule, and I can see Hogwarts up ahead."

Ron and Harry leant forward excitedly. Bart was not wrong; there before them stood the towers and turrets of Hogwarts.

Bart smirked.

"See? Nothing to worry about."

"Fear of the dark…fear of the dark…I have a phobia that someone's always there…"

Suddenly the HUD beeped and pointed above.

"COLLISION IMMINENT."

"Hey, what the - ?"

BLAM!

Just as the song exploded into life, something slammed onto the car's roof with ferocious force, denting the roof.

Fear gripped Bart's heart.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" he cried.

"YOU DROVE US INTO THE WHOMPING WILLOW, YOU IDIOT!" Ron roared as Bart frantically swerved and shifted gears as the HUD lit up again. Luckily, the tree's branch missed them by mere inches.

Bart's breath went dry as he frantically pressed the 'CONFUNDO' button. He then leant back and took a deep breath.

There, that should take care of it.

And indeed it did – for about five seconds.

"COLLISION IMMINENT."

Luckily, Bart was quicker off the mark this time, flooring the brick beneath him and slamming the gearstick down, forcing The Green Machine upwards as the branch swished at the space below.

Of course! That spell doesn't work as well on larger things. Time for Plan B, then.

Ron and Harry lurched back. Bart felt the blood rush to his head, but nonetheless had enough about him to press the 'BOMBARDA' button.

Two forward-firing metallic wands jutted out from beneath the front lights before locking onto the tree branch, which had moved above the car and was readying a crippling strike.

"TARGET ACQUIRED."

Bart quickly pressed the flashing 'BOMBARDA' button again.

Just as the branch swooped down, the metallic wands fired.

The resultant barrage slammed into the branch, forcing it back before finally, and thankfully, blasting it into a million pieces.

The boys cheered before the pieces flew towards them.

"YAAAAAAHHHH!" the Gryffindors yelled as they ducked their heads while Bart burst out laughing.

"Don't worry, dudes! The car's reinforced! That's why that tree branch didn't cave the car in. Those pieces will bounce off, no sweat."

True to his word, the pieces simply pinged off the car.

"All right, time to tell this tree to EAT MY SHORTS!" Bart triumphantly yelled as he pressed the 'ROCKET' button.

The boys were thrust back as The Green Machine catapulted forward. Unfortunately…

"BART! WE'RE GOING TO CRASH INTO THE CASTLE!" Harry cried as the wall closed in.

Bart's eyes widened.

"THE HELL WE ARE!" he exclaimed, ignoring his skyrocketing heartbeat as he slammed the gearstick forward and floored it, saving them from a very bricky end.

But Bart wasn't done there, as he quickly pulled the gearstick down and stabilised the car before it slammed into the ground. Nonetheless, its relationship with the ground was still intimate, as…

BANG!

The boys nearly hit their heads on the car's roof as it landed, but Bart was undaunted, grinning before pressing the 'REPARO' button.

The car's roof suddenly crinkled upwards.

"There! Good as new!" he crowed.

The Gryffindors in the backseat just groaned in exhaustion and pain.

"Bart…just take us to Hogwarts, please", Harry wearily croaked.

"Can do, Harry!" Bart replied, flooring the pedal and swerving up to an entrance before pressing down on the transfigured brick with Pansy's face on it, stopping The Green Machine in its tracks.

"OK, there we go. Get your things out, dudes."

"Why? What the hell are you doing?" Ron querulously asked.

Bart whipped his head around before offering a knowing smirk.

"If you want to make an entrance, you gotta make it big. Harry, when you're in the Great Hall, tell me when the Sorting Hat's finished sorting everyone."

"Why?"

"Simples. Firstly, I don't want any kiddies to get hurt. Secondly, I don't want to hear that stupid song again", Bart replied as he shuddered at the memory.

"Fair enough. Ron, let's get our things and go."

"Gladly", Ron muttered.

"Wait, aren't you thanking me, Ron?"

Ron was about to bite back, but Harry thrust his hand up and shook his head before replying.

"Yeah, we're very grateful Bart."

"That's what I like to hear!" Bart whimsically replied as the Gryffindors unpacked. Having collected their belongings, the two raised their wands.

"Wingardium Leviosa!" they exclaimed, levitating their belongings before shuffling out of sight.

Bart smirked and pressed the 'INVISIBILITY' and 'SILENCIO' buttons before putting his feet up.

"Now to ressssst…"

Shortly afterwards, in Gryffindor Tower…

"HE – IS – THE – WORLD'S – BIGGEST – GIT!" Ron yelled, punctuating each word by slapping the bed.

"Well, at least he got us here, Ron."

"Yeah, by almost killing us!" Ron exclaimed, thrusting his arms forward for emphasis. "How in the blazes do you put up with him?!"

"Well, he did rescue me from the Dursleys."

Ron took a deep breath, not wanting to argue with his best friend over the Slytherin again.

"Yeah, fair enough. What's happening with them, anyway?"

"I don't know, but I'm sure it's nothing good. Look, I don't want to talk or think about them. Let's just go to the Great Hall. I'm starving."

Ron's stomach rumbled in agreement.

"It seems that I'm not the only one", Harry observed with a wry smile.

"Yeah, I could eat a house right now", Ron admitted as they both left the tower.

Soon afterwards, Harry and Ron were joined at the Gryffindor table by none other than…

"Hermione!" Ron exclaimed, as a bushy-haired figure enveloped them in a suffocating hug.

"Where were you two? I was so worried!" she breathed before sitting down, having almost cried.

"Travelling on the Simpson Express", Ron muttered unenthusiastically.

Hermione gasped.

"You were in that car?!"

The two nodded solemnly.

"Why didn't you just send one of your owls to Hogwarts?"

"Because we could have been waiting there forever, Hermione", Harry replied. "Besides, the whole thing was Bart's idea."

Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Oh, of course it was. Only he would be so reckless", she scoffed before looking around. "But then…where is he?"

"That's what I'd like to know", an older, steelier female voice piped up.

There, standing behind the trio, was none other than Gemma.

Harry almost gulped as he saw the thunderclouds forming behind her eyes.

I wouldn't want to be Bart right now.

"At one of the entrances", Ron groaned.

Gemma leaned forward and peered menacingly into the redhead's eyes.

"Which – one?"

Ron took a deep breath before replying. Hot-blooded though he was, even he could see that Gemma was not to be messed with right now.

"We don't know. Near the Whomping Willow, I think. But he said he'd be here soon. You can punish him then."

Gemma nodded.

"You two had better hope so. You're lucky that I haven't given you both a detention for being such idiots", she hissed before storming off.

Not too long afterwards, Professor Snape surveyed the crowd before him from his seat.

"Albus, Simpson seems conspicuously absent."

"Indeed, Severus. And Miss Farley seems none too happy about it."

"Should I go on a little hunt, then?"

A rapid drumbeat suddenly echoed through the hall, causing the crowd to turn their heads and mutter in confusion.

"I don't think that will be necessary, Severus."

The hook-nosed professor facepalmed before taking a few deep breaths.

"Can – I – give – him – a – detention?"

"But Severus, term hasn't even begun yet."

"Please, Albus! Just this time!" Professor Snape hissed, turning and gesticulating for emphasis.

The headmaster sighed as the drumbeat was joined by cymbals and then a guitar solo.

"If you insist, Severus", Professor Dumbledore placated with more than a hint of mirth.

"Thank you", Bart's head of house quietly exclaimed before turning towards the noise.

VROOOM! VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"No…no, he didn't", the potions professor whispered as the crowd's confusion increased.

The headmaster chuckled.

"It seems that he has, Severus."

"When in Merlin's name did he learn to drive a car?"

"Before today."

Professor Snape rolled his eyes as words became audible under the aural inferno.

"I'M HOT FOR TEACHERRR!"

BANG!

The Green Machine slammed into the door sealing the Great Hall with full force, tearing it asunder and scattering wood around the area before screeching to a halt, leaving a giant skid mark in its wake as smoke drifted across the room. Some students coughed; others waved their hands.

"HEY, DID I MISS ANYTHING?" Bart called out, slamming the door behind him.

"Only the sorting, young Bart", the headmaster replied as the hook-nosed professor beside him facepalmed and took some very, very deep breaths.

Bart momentarily scowled at him before pressing on.

Why was Bart scowling at me? the headmaster thought in confusion.

"All good, then. Well if you don't mind, I'll be taking some things from the kitchen and heading to the dorms. I need some beauty sleep, you see."

"Don't you want to sit with Miss Farley first, Bart?"

Bart looked over at the Slytherin table, only to see Gemma fixing him with a petrifyingly murderous gaze. Indeed, Bart could just see the lightning arcing behind her pupils.

Oooh, I don't want any of her right now. "Nah, I'm good", Bart replied as he suppressed a shudder.

"OK, but don't you want to see whom your new Defence Against The Dark Arts teacher is?"

Bart rolled his eyes.

"Why the hell would I want to see -"

He then spotted a certain someone out of the corner of his eye.

"J-Jake?"

Author's Notes for Chapter Four

Bart would want to travel to Hogwarts in something cooler, more modern and more stylish than a Ford Anglia. Hence, Timothy Dalton's Bond car – the Aston Martin V8, which he used in The Living Daylights (foreshadowed in Chapter 2). 'ROCKET' was just the Rocket Charm; I thought about putting 'ERUCA' (Latin for rocket), but the word doesn't resonate as much, given how fraught the situation was when Bart used it.

Canonically, Snape accuses the two Gryffindors of wanting to arrive with a bang. Ironically, the Slytherin Bart really would want to arrive with a bang if he got the chance, which he did.

RE Jake as DADA teacher, that's subtly foreshadowed in Chapter 2, when he shares a knowing look with Gemma (which Bart doesn't notice), and also earlier in this chapter, when Bart realises that Jake's concealing information from him RE Dumbledore. How Jake got that position will be explored.

RE Rita Skeeter, I had a scene planned out in my mind, but that just seemed superfluous.

Ron is seeing that celebrity isn't necessarily the boon that he thought it would be (although he did get enough money to buy an owl; Hera is Ancient Greek for 'support', which Ron pretty much is). Bart will face the challenges of such at some point, too.

Whether house elves write is never explored in canon, so I've justified it.

As usual, I have my reasons for introducing the Ravenclaws. I tried to make them wittier and more theoretical than the Gryffindors or Slytherins.

Songs: Radar Love by Golden Earring from 'Bart On The Road', Speed King by Deep Purple, Fear of the Dark by Iron Maiden, Hot for Teacher by Van Halen. All That She Wants by Ace of Base, which is about a maneater (Gemma's a non-sexual variant), is referenced.

Reginald Granger is based on Uncle Dynamite, which has a character named Hermione in it.

S401 BJS = Slytherin, 1 April, Bartholomew Jo-Jo Simpson

James Songbird/Monster King: Cheers. Thanks for reading.

Pyromania101: 1) RE toilet humour, it is in character for 12-year old Bart, but admittedly 16-year old Bart doing the same thing would just be silly, so I will phase it out over time, 2) it was never dead, just on extended hiatus, 3) Gemma won't spank him at Hogwarts; that's corporal punishment. Outside? Probably. 4) I'm very grateful and humbled that you'd go to the time and effort to create a TVTropes page for my story :).