Chapter Five

Bart could hardly comprehend the sight before him. There, resplendent in dark green Mulberry silk robes, sat none other than Jake Farley.

OK, I died and went to the Twilight Zone, didn't I?

"Nice to see you too, Bart", Jake greeted with a knowing smirk. "That was a most subtle entrance."

"Yes, so subtle that it could be heard from the other side of Scotland", Professor Snape snarked, as chuckles emanated around the hall.

Ignoring him, Bart asked, "W-what are you doing here?"

"Teaching, Bart", Jake replied to more chuckles.

"Yes, Bart. Professor Farley will be our new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, and that is what you shall address him as during class", Headmaster Dumbledore interjected. "You know, you are very lucky that nobody got hurt. Otherwise, I would have to expel you."

"I meant it that way", Bart replied as he deliberately made eye contact with the aged mage. "Anyway, I'll just be heading to the kitchens and getting some beauty sleep. Later."

"Yes, Bart. Then you will be serving detention with Professor Snape."

"Every evening for the next week", Professor Snape snarled as the hall rang with laughter.

But for Bart, it was still…

Worth it.

However, to his consternation, he was soon staring forlornly at the bare, damp stone wall that blocked him from the Slytherin Common Room.

Hmmm…I could have thought this through a bit better. Still, at least Gemma hasn't gotten her hands on…what the hell is that?

He cocked his ear towards the buzzing noise.

Oh crap, the other students! Quick, gotta hide!

He quickly cloaked and silenced himself as the first-year students came into view. Leading them was Gemma and a male prefect with slicked black hair and dark, foreboding eyes.

OK Bart, stay frosty. Once she passes, you're home free. It's not like she has time to wait for you in the dorms or anything.

Just as Bart finished his thought, Gemma surreptitiously twirled her wand before stopping right beside him.

"Swelling Solution", she uttered, her expression remaining guarded as she twirled her wand again.

All of a sudden, Bart's body froze up as Gemma's left hand snaked out and grabbed him by the lapels. In triumph, Gemma turned to the male prefect and gave him a megawatt smile.

"Travers, could you please lead the firsties in? I need to mete out some discipline."

Travers quickly nodded and gestured to the first-years, for whom the tension was so thick that it could be cut with a knife. When he did, they eagerly followed him into the common room before Gemma appraised Bart with a predatory grin. She looked frightening; her nostrils were heaving while lightning lashed behind her eyes, promising pain and punishment for the young mage.

Oh man, this is gonna suck more than McBain's talk show!

Bart was correct, for Gemma threw him into a nearby classroom before magically locking the door.

Pain shot through the boy as his back kissed the floor. Smelling his fear, Gemma kneeled and made eye contact just as said lightning reached a crescendo.

"Did you really think that I wouldn't find you, Bart?" she enquired with a truly unnerving whisper.

"I knew that you'd be waiting outside the common room because you couldn't have known the password. You see, Professor Snape owls the password to the prefects in advance, and then we tell the other Slytherins, so troublemakers don't wreck the common room and the dorms beforehand. Troublemakers like you.

I'm not going to bother explaining why your behaviour was so blindingly idiotic. No, I'll just punish you instead."

She then silenced him once again before uttering, "Gaseous!"

Suddenly, Bart knew only pain as his insides lit up like Cape Canaveral. This time, Gemma's eyes expressed no sympathy, only an unfettered desire to shove her proverbial medicine down Bart's throat. Time slowed down, with seconds turning into minutes as the punishment continued. Finally, and mercifully, Gemma then applied various counter-spells before pressing her face against his.

"I'll apply the spell for twice as long if you do something like that again. Understand?"

Bart nodded fearfully.

"Good", Gemma cooed as the lightning behind her eyes eased. She then levitated Bart, forced him onto his bed and knocked him out with Somnolus before applying various protective spells. Satisfied with her work, she strode out to check on the other students.

The next morning, Bart groaned as he awoke from a dreamless sleep. Draco, who was already getting dressed, smirked at the sight.

"Your mistress didn't look very happy last night, Simpson. Did she give you a rough time?"

"I don't know. Did you enjoy seeing my butt?"

Draco's eyes flashed briefly, before he took a deep breath and composed himself. Remember what father told you over the holidays. You're a Slytherin; you can't let this piece of filth bait you.

"That's a yes, then. Still, I don't know what's rougher than being a Mudblood", he sarcastically observed as his 'boyfriends' snickered.

"Could be worse. Could be you."

"I don't know, Simpson. I'm still going to make you pay for that little stunt."

"In your dreams."

"In real life. Still, at least I'm not in any danger here."

Bart scoffed.

"Your house elf pretty much said the same thing. What, did you think I'd take him seriously?"

Draco recoiled in bemusement.

"What on earth are you babbling about, Simpson?"

"Pfft, you sound even stupider than normal. You know what I mean."

"No, I really don't, Simpson."

Bart rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, whatever Drain-o. Tell your story walking."

Draco shook his head.

"I didn't realise that being a Mudblood damaged your brain so much. Come on Crabbe, Goyle. Simpson's stench is making me vomit."

"You sure it's not your stench, dude?"

Draco didn't bother answering, leading his two 'boyfriends' out instead.

"Guess he's not", Bart remarked as Blaise followed Draco and his 'boyfriends' into the common room. Theo then shuffled out of the shower before appraising Bart with his dark eyes, which glittered with something – maybe curiosity, maybe intensity. Bart wasn't sure, but he was sure that caution was the watchword here.

"Hey, Simpson?"

"Yes?"

"What was that contraption you arrived in last night?"

Bart rolled his eyes.

"It's called a car, Theo."

Theo smirked as he started getting dressed.

"A Muggle invention, I assume? Not very Slytherin of you, Simpson. Nor was that entrance."

Bart smirked in response.

"Really? I thought it was pretty ambitious."

"The rest of our housemates don't see it that way."

"That's because they're not real Slytherins."

"They'd say the same about you."

"So?"

"So you'll need some housemates on your side if you want to survive the next six years. Farley won't be around forever."

"Housemates like you?"

Theo's head cocked deferentially.

"That's one interpretation, yes."

"I'll think about it." When I start pole dancing.

"Well, don't take too long. These are dangerous times, so alliances are important."

Again with that crap about danger. Are they talking in tongues or something? Bart querulously thought, watching Theo stride out before pulling himself out of bed.

Eh, I'll figure it out.

Before too long, Bart sat down in the Great Hall and angrily shoved food into his mouth.

"Are you still angry about last night, Bart?" Gemma asked in a neutral tone.

Bart shot her a dirty look.

"What do you think?"

Gemma sighed.

"Look Bart, I didn't enjoy having to do that – "

"Could've fooled me."

Gemma rolled her eyes.

"I can understand why you're mad, so I'll overlook that remark. But any other prefect would have given you a month's detention. Weasley would probably have given you two."

"You mean like how you gave Drainy two weeks at the start of last year for calling me a Mudblood?"

Gemma smiled tightly before nodding.

"Exactly. So what would you prefer – the quick punishment involving me, or the slow punishment involving Professor Snape?"

Bart shivered in revulsion.

"The first one."

Gemma's smile broadened.

"I thought so."

Bart sighed.

"Fine, but did it have to be so painful?"

Gemma sternly nodded.

"Yes. I can then inform Professor Snape that I gave you a serious punishment on top of his detentions, so he's less likely to extend your detention time if you annoy him."

"Hmmm. Speaking of time, Drain-o and Theo basically said that I might not have much left here."

Gemma put her hand on her chin and frowned as her big brown eyes flicked back and forth.

"Somehow, I'm reminded of Dobby's warning."

"Same here. Is there anything you can do?"

Gemma sighed.

"Giving them a detention won't solve anything. I would interrogate them using Legilimency, but…"

"But what?"

"Well firstly, I can't just interrogate students without cause. Secondly, even if I tried to cover my tracks with Memory Charms, I might permanently damage their memories by mistake.

That wouldn't concern me much, but Chester Nott is close to Lucius Malfoy, who is on Hogwarts' board of governors. Both also know my family quite well, and so they know that I'm a prefect who wields a lot of influence within Slytherin. They would quickly suspect my involvement, especially since we don't exactly get along."

"What, because your family didn't join Voldemort?"

"Exactly. Neither of them perceives my family as being sufficiently loyal to the pure-blood 'cause', and me taking you under my wing would have cemented that perception. So Malfoy would pressure Dumbledore to strip me of my position, lest the old man lose his.

You know what Dumbledore's like, Bart. He behaves like a kindly old grandfather, but he'll push anybody under the proverbial carriage when necessary."

Bart scowled.

"Like Harry."

"Yes, like Potter."

"Hmm…so he didn't take points off me because he wanted to stay in my good books."

Well, it was probably because the term hadn't even started, because nobody ever deducts points before classes begin, but never mind. "Exactly", she replied, her eyes gleaming in triumph.

"Additionally, I'm still not a particularly accomplished Legilimens. Legilimency worked on you partially because you helped me locate the correct memory. I doubt that Malfoy and Nott will be so cooperative. Besides, they may have developed some defences against Legilimency. So there's not much I can do except keep a lookout for anything suspicious."

"Fair enough. But when you say defences, do you mean focusing on something really disgusting?"

Gemma chuckled.

"There's that, although that by itself won't work against a concerted Legilimency attack. No, only proper Occlumency will block such attacks."

Bart snorted.

"Sounds like a type of glasses."

Gemma smiled.

"Well, it not only involves making an invader see the vision you want them to see, as per your approach, but also clearing your mind of stray emotions, memories, and thoughts. Refraining from making eye contact will enhance, but not ensure, Occlumency's effectiveness. V-Voldemort could apparently read minds without even making eye contact."

Bart frowned, for he realised what Gemma meant.

"Yeah, I know. I had to meditate to stop him reading mine."

Gemma beamed. So he has more of a gift for Occlumency than I thought. This will make things so much easier. "Well done, Bart. Most wizards wouldn't have thought to do that."

Bart beamed back.

"Well, I am pretty special."

"Yes, indeed", Gemma noted as she deliberately stroked his ego. "Now, meditation is somewhat helpful, but by the time you've calmed down enough to control your emotions and thoughts, the attacker might have already obtained the correct memory.

For me, the most helpful technique is detachment. Just withdraw and focus exclusively on some random memory or vision. That way, you're not focusing on emotions or relevant thoughts. Within seconds, your attacker will seem like they're miles away, even when they're in front of you."

"Hmmm…how long have you been doing that?"

"For a few years now. You can't show weakness in Slytherin, otherwise people will take advantage."

"Like by using you?"

Gemma grimly nodded.

"And not just for homework, either."

Bart looked at her quizzically.

Of course he doesn't understand. He's still a child. Maybe I should discuss this when he's older.

"Gemma, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, Bart."

"No, tell me. Please", Bart requested as concern creased his features.

I could really use a distraction right now, Gemma thought. Her prayers were answered, for Balthazar suddenly dropped an envelope onto Bart's lap.

Bart frowned. "It's from my family." Why do I have a bad feeling about this?

He soon figured out why, as he read the letter.

Bart,

I'm so disappointed that you stole that car and risked your life unnecessarily. When Headmaster Dumbledore told me what you did, I could hardly believe it. If you don't start behaving yourself, I'll withdraw you from that school and put you back into Springfield Elementary. I don't want to do that, but I don't want that school to become a bad influence on you, either. So be good. For the love of God, please be good.

Love,

Mum

Bart groaned. He never liked being criticised by his mother, and this time was no different. Still, he scrolled down.

Bart,

If Dobby's telling the truth, you're in enough danger as it is, so you don't need to be so reckless. After all, you won't fulfill your potential if you get expelled for auto theft and property damage, or if you perish in a car crash before you hit puberty. Headmaster Dumbledore has given you a second chance that not many wizards receive; how could you throw it back in his face like this? You need to learn to think things through before you do them, because there won't be a third chance.

Love,

Lisa

Bart rolled his eyes. Her and Dobby. Honestly, she should just marry him already, he thought before scrolling down to Homer's message.

BOY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY GUN?

HOMER

"Your father's weighing in with his usual sagacious contribution, I see", Gemma drawled.

"That's one way of putting it", Bart replied as his schedule materialised in his pocket. After reading it, he burst out laughing.

"Hey, what do you know, your dad's up first!"

"Well, he's better than Quirrell."

"So's a giant pile of guano."

Gemma murmured in agreement.

Soon enough, Bart was sitting next to Daphne while Jake twirled his wand in anticipation. Once the Slytherins shuffled into their seats, he started pacing the floor.

"Welcome to Defence Against the Dark Arts, children. Let us begin", he commanded before unveiling some wingless creatures with bat-like ears, electric blue skin, and mischievous smirks. "Now, what are these creatures called?"

Daphne's hand shot up.

"Miss Greengrass?"

"Pixies, Professor."

"Very good, Miss Greengrass. Take 10 points for Slytherin. Now, pixies have incredible strength for creatures their size. They can lift people and hang them on chandeliers", he noted as he gestured upwards. "They can also steal your wand. Luckily, they can be subdued with simple spells. Mr. Simpson, can you tell me one?"

Bart shrugged noncommittally.

"You could always freeze them with a Glacius."

"True, take 10 points for Slytherin. But a Glacius is a little overpowered in this case. Most wizards would exhaust themselves trying to use that spell against a large group of pixies. Yes, Mr. Malfoy?"

"Father uses Immobulus to freeze groups of pixies whenever we have infestations on Malfoy Manor. It's easier to cast than the Glacius."

Father this, father that. No doubt that father still wipes your buttocks for you. "You are correct, Mr. Malfoy. Take 10 points for Slytherin", Jake sighed.

Draco turned to Bart with a smug smirk.

Oh big whoop Drain-o, you got a question right. Did you want a cookie? Bart thought before Crabbe's hand shot up.

"Yes, Mr. Crabbe?" Jake asked with all the enthusiasm of someone facing a firing squad.

"Kill it with fire?"

"Well yes, you could do that. Then it would fly around and burn your house down. Also, 'kill it with fire' is not a spell. But you can have a nice, shiny point for effort."

Missing the condescension in Jake's voice, Crabbe beamed while Draco rolled his eyes.

"Now, does anybody have any other suggestions that sound like a real spell? Yes, Mr. Simpson?"

"You could always use a Flipendo to knock one pixie into some other pixies and bring them down that way."

"Hmmm…manoeuvring them into a line does require quick reflexes and sharp instincts, but you are correct. Take another 10 points for Slytherin."

Bart smirked at the back of Draco's head. That's right Drainy, I'm racking up the points.

"There's another spell that's effective against groups of pixies. Let me show you."

Quick as a flash, Jake thrust his left foot forward and went side-on before whipping his wand out of its holster and unlocking three cages. The newly unleashed pixies flew towards him at frightening speed; surely they would dispossess him?

But Jake was faster still. With lightning reflexes, he whirled his wand in a circular motion.

"Ebublio!" he yelled as a large bubble burst from his wand and flew towards the advancing pixies. The pixies retreated, but it was too late, for shrieks rent the room as the bubble enveloped them. Jake then repositioned himself before roaring "Flipendo!", as the lead pixie knocked the others back into their cages with an ignominious thud, alongside itself. Jake then bellowed "Colloportus!", locking each door in quick succession.

"Three spells, three downed pixies", Jake smoothly noted. "Now, I'd like you children to come up here and test those spells against the wall. Single file, come on."

"But we've already learnt the last two spells", Pansy moaned.

"But you may not remember how to cast them correctly. Now Mr. Simpson, why don't you start?"

Sure, I'm not zero the hero for nothing, Bart thought as he strode up. His first attempt to cast the Ebublio went wide because his circle was unnecessarily large, but he nailed the spell on his second try. He wandlessly performed the last two spells before strutting back to his seat.

"Impressive, Mr. Simpson. 10 points to Slytherin."

His classmates then had their turn. Daphne needed three tries to master the Ebublio, while Tracey and Draco required four apiece. Eventually, all of Bart's classmates produced a passable, if imprecise, Ebublio. That is, all except Crabbe and Goyle, who were at sixes and sevens even pronouncing the spell, never mind producing it.

"A-BOOB-LEO", Goyle enunciated.

"No, Mr. Goyle, it's EE-BUB-LEO."

"ES-BUTT-MIO."

Jake groaned. Too bad I can't spare the next five hours teaching him. "That's the end of the class, I'm afraid. For homework, write a one-page essay reciting how to cast those three spells. Extra credit if you list some other methods of neutralising pixies. Yes, Mr. Simpson?"

"Do we have to?"

Daphne scowled at him, while Jake sighed. "Yes, Mr. Simpson. If you understand how to cast the spells on paper, you will cast them more consistently in practice."

After his classmates left, Bart continued interrogating Jake.

"Jake, why did Dumbledore hire you? And why did you even take this position?"

Jake smiled indulgently. "I'll tell you once your classes are finished."

"But I have detention with Professor Snape."

"Then I'll notify him that you served it with me."

"Thanks."

"My pleasure, Bart."

Meanwhile, a certain trio was walking towards the Transfiguration classroom.

"Harry, are you going to tell us why you stumbled backwards during Herbology?" Hermione asked.

Harry sighed.

"As soon as Sprout said the word 'mandrake', a random memory just popped up in my mind. The funny thing is that it showed me something that I couldn't remember happening before."

Ron gave him a strange look.

"What do you mean, mate?"

"Well, I saw…Merula Snyde, I think it was…giving a bunch of Stewed Mandrakes to Malfoy and his mum at an apothecary. But it was over in a second."

"You met Snyde previously, didn't you?" Ron asked.

"Yeah, I did."

Hermione shook her head.

"It sounds like a repressed memory. Harry. You should talk to someone about this."

Harry waved his hand. "It's no big deal, Hermione."

"Yes Harry, it – ".

Harry abruptly twisted his head, as a certain spiky-haired Slytherin smirked at them while strolling by. Harry nodded, Hermione glowered, while Ron just shook his head.

"Hmmm…should we tell Bart?"

Hermione sighed. Although she still hadn't forgiven Bart over his misbehaviour, she knew that they were out of options.

"I guess it couldn't hurt, Harry. Maybe Farley knows something."

"Ron?"

Harry and Hermione turned to scrutinise the redhead's response.

"Better him than Malfoy, I guess", he muttered.

Harry quickly started writing.

Just as Bart approached the greenhouse, the parchment in his pocket burnt, compelling him to dart into an empty classroom before whipping it out.

"Hey, Bart."

"Yeah, what?"

"Well, during Herbology, I suddenly remembered something that I couldn't remember before."

"Um… you sure you haven't been sniffing too many plant fumes? My bus driver saw all sorts of weird shit after doing that."

"No, I haven't!"

"Whatever you say, dude."

"Look, when Professor Sprout said the word 'mandrake', I suddenly remembered Malfoy and his mum buying some Stewed Mandrakes from an apothecary."

"Eh, I'd be happy to forget anything that Drain-o does. But I'll see what Jake and Gemma say."

"Thanks, Bart."

"No problem."

Before long, Bart was attending Herbology class.

"You're lucky that I saved this spot at the end for you, Bart", a profoundly irritated Daphne hissed. "Besides, what was that entrance last night all about?"

"Showing ambition."

"Yes, ambition in your stupidity."

"Whatever, toots."

Daphne rolled her eyes and kicked him lightly in the foot while Professor Sprout talked.

"Today we will be repotting Mandrakes. Who can tell me its properties? Mr. Boot?"

"It's a powerful antidote that restores people who've been transfigured or cursed to their original state – unless they've been cursed with a large tax bill."

Most of the class snickered while Professor Sprout shook her head.

"10 points to Ravenclaw, although I'd rather not get reminded about the tax office. Now, why are these earmuffs necessary? Mr. Malfoy?"

"Because the Mandrake's cry is lethal to those who hear it."

Your dad's lethal to anyone who hears him, Bart sarcastically thought as Professor Sprout awarded his nemesis 10 points. Well, it's time to leave the Mark of Bart on this class.

"Yes, Mr. Simpson?"

"Do wizards kill people with them?"

"Hmmm…the Death Eaters weren't known to."

"Do wizards kill themselves with them, then?"

Professor Sprout's usually cheerful demeanour became decidedly frosty.

"Mr. Simpson, I'll start docking points unless you stop asking me silly questions."

"But what about – OW!"

"Thank you, Miss Greengrass", Professor Sprout sighed as the class laughed.

"Hey, whatever happened to house unity?" Bart hissed.

Daphne's cold blue eyes danced with amusement as she smirked.

"It doesn't apply if your actions will cost us points, Bart."

"Now, place your earmuffs on", Professor Sprout ordered. "I'll give you a thumbs up when it's safe to remove them."

Wow, these give new meaning to the word 'soundproof', Bart thought upon discovering that the earmuffs shut out all sound. Now to see how ugly these things are…

He had expected something truly revolting, and he wasn't disappointed, for the Mandrake that Professor Sprout pulled up was a small, muddy creature with pale green, mottled skin. Not only that, but leaves were growing from its head.

Well, it'll still win a beauty contest before Pants Down does, Bart thought with a wince as Professor Sprout buried the Mandrake in a large, compost-filled pot plant before giving the class a thumbs up.

"Now, these are only seedlings, so they won't kill you. They will knock you unconscious for the rest of the school day, however, so your earmuffs must be securely fastened. Now, it's your turn to try what I did. Four to a tray", she commanded as she slapped away a Venomous Tentacula.

"Come on", Daphne hissed as she led Bart and Tracey to a tray. However, they weren't alone.

"Pssst, Simpson."

Bart quickly turned to his right, only to lose himself in some dark, intense, and disturbingly familiar brown eyes.

"Y-yeah?"

"You know Seraphinus, don't you?" Terry asked.

"We met on the school bus and exchanged some letters. Why?"

"It's just that I spoke to him at a family reunion over the summer."

"He told me that he didn't really know you."

"No, but he knows that we both attend the same school, so he asked me how well I knew you."

"And you said that you didn't."

"That's right – but we can still get to know each other better", Terry noted as he extended a hand, with his smile elevating his high cheekbones.

Bart stopped and recalled Gemma's warning about getting too close to Dumbledore's supposed associates. Ah, what the hell. If Gemma pulls me up about it, I'll just say that I was pumping this dude for info about Dumbledore. "Sure, dude."

The pair then clasped hands firmly, as if they were sealing a thousand-year agreement.

"I guess my little speech about house unity last year really psyched up the school", Bart surmised.

Terry laughed.

"I suppose so. Anyway, you're Greengrass, and you're Davis, right?"

Daphne coldly nodded while Tracey tightly smiled.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Terry Boot."

"Yes, we know who you are", Daphne replied rather blandly. "Now, let's pull these Mandrakes. They aren't going to pull themselves, after all."

"I wouldn't be so sure", Bart nonchalantly replied. In a flash, the screaming mandrake zoomed into his outstretched palm. However, he wasn't finished there. With trademark grace, he loosened his wand holster and thrust his wand up before stunning the creature and slamming it back into the dirt.

"K.O. I win", Bart cockily effused as Terry stood there incredulously.

"Y-you can perform wandless magic?!"

"Sure can. It's as easy for me as saying A-B-C."

"And don't us Slytherins know it", Daphne drawled.

"Indeed. Now I'm just going to stand back here and watch you three pull those things out."

Sure enough, Bart was soon standing back and smirking while his classmates tried to extricate their Mandrakes. At the end of the class, he was clean and they were dirty, so he was obviously…

Winning.

That winning feeling stayed with Bart when he walked into the courtyard with Gemma during their lunch break. Even the overcast sky, dull, grim and gloomy though it was, couldn't dampen his mood.

However, Harry and Ron were less fortunate, as Draco had apparently decided to hold an impromptu signing session for the pair.

"COME GATHER ROUND, CHILDREN! POTTER AND WEASLEY ARE SIGNING ANYTHING, ANYTHING, THAT YOU HAVE! PLUS, IF YOU'RE AS POOR AS THE WEASLEYS YOU CAN AUCTION IT OFF!"

Hey, why should Harry and Ron hog all the attention? Bart querulously thought as he ran forward and stole their supposed thunder.

"STEP RIIIIIIIGHT UP FOLKS! THE ONE AND ONLY BART SIMPSON'S SIGNING WHATEVER YOU HAVE! BOOKS, BROOMSTICKS, CAULDRONS, PHOTOS, WANDS – YOU'VE GOT 'EM; I'LL SIGN 'EM! COME ON NOW, PEOPLE! SINGLE FILE!"

Right on que, a crowd lined up for Bart, while a small, mousy-haired boy placed an arm around him and thrust a camera into his face before pressing the trigger.

"Hey, Bart! I'm Colin Creevey! I've heard and read all about you!"

"That's wonderful, Colin. Everyone should read about me."

"Yeah, I wish I had stopped You-Know-Who!"

"Don't we alllll?"

"Yeah! And you must be Gemma Farley!"

"I certainly am, young man", Gemma replied as the crowd flocked behind the Protego Totalum that she had placed around the trio. "I assume that you're a first-year?"

Colin nodded excitedly. "Yes. I'm a Gryffindor like Harry and Ron, and a Muggleborn like Bart!"

"It's great to see that you and Bart have something in common", she purred before casting a Sonorus and turning to the crowd behind her.

"LISTEN UP! I'M GEMMA FARLEY, AND BART AND I WILL BE SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS UNTIL THE END OF LUNCH! GET INTO LINE OR WE'RE LEAVING!"

The crowd immediately complied as Hermione and Harry respectively looked on with disbelief and gratitude. Ron wasn't sure whether to be annoyed or relieved, but he nonetheless rubbed salt into Draco's proverbial wounds.

"I bet you wish that people wanted your autograph, huh Malfoy?"

"Not if it took being a filthy Mudblood", Draco sneered in disgust. "Let's go."

Draco's posse stormed off, with the Gryffindors quickly following. Not that Gemma or Bart cared, because Bart could never get enough of that sweet, sweet Barto Love.

Bart's good mood remained during Transfiguration, when he turned his beetle into a button before anybody else even started, and when he strolled into Jake's office that evening.

"Ah, Bart. How nice to see you again."

"You too, Jake", Bart unctuously replied. "So please – may I ask how you obtained this position?"

"Certainly, you may", Jake replied, pouring them both a Butterbeer before leaning back and sipping on his. "I don't believe that I've served you this before."

"No you haven't, Jake. And I must say, it tastes succulent", Bart slickly replied as the butterscotch overwhelmed his taste buds.

"I'd be more concerned if you thought otherwise. Now, our dear headmaster requested an audience from me on the first week of the summer holidays."

"I thought that you had family business to deal with?"

"We also had to attend somebody's funeral."

"Fair enough. So I'm guessing he offered you this job?"

"That's correct."

"Hmmm. Weren't you working for the Ministry?"

"I was, until Dumbledore informed me that the Minister of Magic would give me a golden handshake and treat my departure as an early retirement if I accepted this position."

I hope that was the only golden thing he got. "I didn't think the Minister cared that much about this job."

"Historically he hasn't, but he was unusually receptive to the headmaster this year. I did ask about this, but he just mentioned putting the minister at ease beforehand."

"How?"

"Apparently by solidifying the Minister's position."

"Heh. I didn't realise Dumbledore was rich enough to attract you."

"Nor did I, until he disclosed his…interest…in the late Quirrell's estate."

"Let me guess, he seized it and paid you off with the proceeds?"

"Something like that. You-Know-Who always did enjoy the high life, so he had Quirrell rob some Muggle Albanian banks. His actions apparently contributed to Albania's current economic crisis."

Yes, take that Adil! Bart thought, sneering as he remembered the Albanian boy who exploited his family's hospitality by committing espionage while he was being abused in France.

"Well anyway, the position is supposedly cursed, so I still wouldn't have taken up the position – that is, until Dumbledore informed me that the curse's effects were mitigated if your contract ran for less than 365 days, which mine does. After that, I'll have a lot more time to help Gemma train you."

"That sounds good – but Gemma told me that Dumbledore's a control freak. He probably hired you so that he could watch you."

"No doubt. But since you and I are spending more time together, I couldn't care less, especially since he's paying me so well."

"Fair enough. By the way, Harry told me that a random memory popped into his head."

"Hmph, that does sometimes happen, yes", Jake drolly replied.

"One that he only remembered after Professor Sprout said something."

Jake eyed him with intrigue.

"What was it about?"

"Apparently about Draco and his mum collecting some mandrakes."

Jake's eyes drifted off in thought.

"Hmmm…I can understand why he would rather forget seeing the Malfoys at all, but that memory doesn't seem very traumatic. So, the only other possibility is…an improperly executed memory charm."

"You mean his memory was wiped? But why?"

"Honestly, I have no idea. Perhaps he saw something that somebody didn't want him to see."

"Why would anyone care about him seeing that?"

"I honestly don't know. Customer confidentiality, perhaps. Anyway, I've kept you for long enough. That's for Professor Snape, and please, say hello to my darling daughter for me."

Speaking of Jake's darling daughter, she was currently conversing with her head of house.

"Why are you here instead of Simpson, Miss Farley?"

Gemma looked around in confusion, before using Occlumency to suppress her rising annoyance.

"I honestly don't know where he is, Professor. I'm sure he's just running late."

"He'll be leaving late, then", the hook-nosed professor drawled. "Was there anything in particular that you wished to discuss?"

"Well, I've given Simpson an extra punishment on top of his detention."

"So you expect me to ease his detention schedule?" he asked with increasing ice in his tone.

Gemma composed herself before responding.

"No, I'm just assuring you that extending his detention schedule won't be necessary. If he does anything else that's idiotic, I'll punish him, or another teacher will."

The professor nodded.

"Very well, Miss Farley, I'll hold you to your word. Was there anything else?"

"If my family donated to the Quidditch team, would you allow Simpson to be a Chaser?"

Professor Snape shot her an unsettling smirk.

"On par with Lucius Malfoy donating Nimbus 2001s to the entire team?"

Gemma's eyes widened slightly as she inwardly seethed.

Damn, I didn't see that coming. But why would – unless… "Was the donation quid pro quo?"

"I'm not at liberty to say, Miss Farley."

So it was. I'm guessing that Draco's been guaranteed a spot on the team, so… "What if…my family made its own donation in exchange for Simpson being guaranteed one game as a Chaser?"

"Wasn't Simpson expelled from Ilvermorny for misusing a broomstick?"

"Yes, but I've been training him over summer. He's got phenomenal agility, acceleration and balance. I guarantee that he'll score many goals for Slytherin."

"Lucius Malfoy won't want Simpson on the team, never mind using one of his brooms."

"But he wants Slytherin to win, doesn't he?"

"Naturally."

"So why not give Simpson one game?"

Professor Snape sat back contemplatively.

"Fine, but only because I trust your judgement, Miss Farley. However, I have two conditions."

"Which are?"

"Firstly, that Simpson uses his own broom, because I do not want Lucius to withdraw his brooms. Secondly, if Simpson embarrasses the team, then he will be barred permanently. Understand?"

Gemma slowly nodded.

"Good", the professor purred before the pair heard footsteps.

"Hey Professor Snape, sorry I'm late. I have a note from Professor Far-Gemma?"

Gemma curtly nodded while Professor Snape simply scowled.

"Give – me – the – note – Simpson."

Sure thing, Batman, Bart thought as he gave the professor the note before jumping away like he had just seen something foul. Not that Professor Snape noticed – he was too busy examining the note. He then made eye contact with Bart before reluctantly nodding.

"Very well, Simpson. But tomorrow evening you will have detention with me."

"I can live with that." You booger-sniffing lame-o.

"So I've seen. But anyway, Miss Farley told me that you are quite the flyer. As such, you will be one of Slytherin's Chasers for one game. But you had better perform. If you indulge in your usual pitiful antics, you will not receive another opportunity. Now get out of my sight."

Aye aye, cap'n! Bart sarcastically thought as Gemma escorted him out before explaining herself.

"I apologise for putting you in an awkward position, Bart, but Snape told me that Malfoy's now on the Quidditch team. To guarantee your safety, I had to volunteer you for the team."

"Fair enough, though I still think Drainy's dumb enough to try something stupid." The moron.

"If he does, he will face dire consequences", Gemma coldly replied before turning to Bart and smirking. "But for now…"

Bart smirked back.

"It's time for take-off…"

Author's Notes for Chapter Five

This chapter's purpose was to display 1) the aftermath of Bart's stunt, 2) Jake's competence as a teacher, 3) how Jake came to obtain the position and 4) Bart's interactions with his classmates. So it's more sedate than Chapter 4, but also more character-driven.

Yet again, Gemma didn't use direct corporal punishment (apparently illegal at Hogwarts). Also, to be expelled your stunt apparently has to seriously hurt or seriously risk hurting someone. Bart let Dumbledore know that he timed his stunt so that wouldn't happen, and Harry can back him up.

Jake is yet again characterised as stuffy and somewhat condescending, but also knowledgeable and effective, with his teaching methods combining revision, interactive learning, and theoretical and practical education. He clearly cares about his students actually learning what he teaches, unlike Snape or Lockhart.

The consequences of an incomplete Memory Charm were never really explored in canon, so I've done so here. It is possible for flashbacks to be triggered by words in real life.

Yet again, Draco fails to take Bart seriously because he's a Muggleborn. Speaking of Draco, I've established that while Ron might not care for Bart, he still dislikes Draco so much more.

Again, I showed why I included the Ravenclaws in the prior chapter.

Yes, Albania suffered an economic crisis in 1992. No, it was not because Voldemort robbed a few banks.

Somnolus = fanon for the Sleeping Charm, as per Hogwarts Mystery.

Radar Love = Love = Barto Love = Barto = El Barto

James Songbird/Monster King: Really appreciate the kind words.

Pyromania101: I've largely removed the OK's.