Disclaimer: I own nothing.
AN: I hope you like it! Once again sorry for any mistakes I missed.
Chapter Four: The start of Phase One
Lexa returned to her tent just before the sun disappeared from the sky in bad spirits. Her day had been long, and it seemed as it was going to be longer still. She went to her private area and pulled back the curtains.
Clarke was laying on her bed sleeping, and Abby was sitting on a hand crafted stool, hunched over the bed sleeping as well. She reached out and gently touched Abby's shoulder. The older woman jumped awake at the touch, and looked around the small space in confusion. Her eyes fell on her sleeping daughter, and then looked up at Lexa.
Lexa nodded her head slightly in the direction of the main area of the tent. Abby understood the gesture, and stood to follow the commander. Lexa went to her throne and sat down heavily, unconsciously rubbing her bad leg gently. "You must accompany Indra to Camp Jaha tonight. One of her warriors was killed while teaching a group of your people to hunt. One of your men tripped and his gun fired. It was an accident, but my warriors are uneasy around your weapons. They fear them and that is making their minds weak. They are refusing to go near your people."
"So I have to go play peace keeper," Abby summed up.
"Sha. I trust that you and Indra can rally your people and come up with a solution to the unease."
Abby nodded her head. "When do we leave?"
"Indra is prepping the horses. It won't be long until she comes for you," Lexa said.
Abby nodded her head again, and then walked into the private area again. She return a minute later with her knapsack. "Let me check your leg again."
Lexa looked at Abby in annoyance, but stood and dropped her pants regardless. Abby inspected the incision. "It's swollen, but there is no pus. I think you are just over working the leg, and the incision is not happen about being rubbed against your tight jeans. Do me a favor and put lighter pants on, and stay off the leg. At least for tonight."
Lexa nodded her head slightly, and then stood again. She pulled her pants back up, and then moved past Abby to her chest of clothing. She pulled out a pair of softer pants, and then returned back to her throne.
"Can I trust that you will take care of my daughter while I'm away?" Abby asked.
Anger flashed across Lexa's features. "Have I not been doing that?"
"You have," Abby said tightly.
"But you still don't trust me," Lexa finished for her.
"No," Abby said honestly.
"You speak true, and for that I thank you. I am not your enemy, and as long as your people fall in line, I will remain that. I will honor this alliance because it benefits both our people. There is much that our people can share with each other. As long as your people don't commit any acts of war, you and your people are safe."
"And what would constitute acts of war?"
"You are a smart woman Abby of the sky people. That question does not need a response," Lexa clipped. "Tonight you must ride with Indra to prevent a war from breaking out between our people. Once Clarke is well, we can discuss how to bring our clans closer. Until then, get your people to be more careful with their weapons." She paused to see if Abby had anything to say, but the woman stood their silently. She noticed that Abby looked unhappy at being ordered to do something, but was happy the woman didn't comment on her displeasure. "Nyko wishes to see you before your departure."
"I'll go find him then," Abby said curtly, and then left the tent.
Lexa sat on her throne for a while, thinking over the day's events. Octavia had been released from the pole and was already being dipped in the river by Indra by the time Lexa had reached the crowd. She had been impressed with how well the girl took her markings. She had been witness to even her toughest warriors cringing as the needle repeated piercing their skin.
After Octavia's marking ceremony was completed, she and Indra walked the length of the village to discuss the rebuilding. There was much to be done, and Indra had concerns about having sturdy structures built before the winter. With half her warriors at Camp Jaha training Skaikru to hunt and fight, she was shorthanded.
Indra had been most displeased to learn of her warriors passing. She had demanded that her people return to village at once and leave Skaikru to their own devises. Lexa knew the woman was just upset by the loss, and allowed her fear of the Skaikru's weapons take over. Lexa knew how fragile the alliance between her people and the Skaikru was, and knew that she had to do whatever she could to keep the peace until she could return home to Polis and spoke with her ambassadors. She could rally help from the other clans to help Ton DC and Camp Jaha prepare for the winter.
Now she was just exhausted. Her leg hurt from her healing wound, her mind was racing a mile a minute with things that still needed to do, and her chest ached with worry over Clarke. She turned her head to peek through the curtains. The blonde was still lying in her bed fast asleep, her cheeks were rosy red, and soft snores were sounding.
The snores concerned Lexa. Clarke sounded like she was having trouble breathing. She didn't like the idea of Clarke struggling for her breaths. She stood up and walked to the entrance of the tent. She ordered one of her guard to summon Nyko, and then went to Clarke side.
She looked down at the blonde, marveling at how beautiful was even with bright red cheeks, chapped lips, and a sore, runny nose. She thought back to the kiss they had shared not even two weeks ago. How her heart had soared when Clarke kissed back, and then how her heart had plummeted as the blonde told her she wasn't ready. How the hope had settled in her chest when the word 'yet' rolled off those beautiful lips. It was a lot of emotions to go through her in just a minute. Emotions that she had yet to process fully.
Now looking down at the woman who had captured her heart the moment she had stepped through her tent, she could only feel love. She silently vowed to take care of Clarke, even if the woman was never ready to be with her. Even if she could never have Clarke as hers. She would never let anything happen to her.
"Heda," Nyko quietly said from behind her.
Lexa glanced at Nyko over her shoulder, and then looked back at Clarke. She quietly said, "Clarke's having trouble breathing through her nose. Is there anything you can give her to help?"
"Sha, Heda. There is a tea I can brew that will help," Nyko said.
"Prepare it please," Lexa said.
"Sha, Heda. Is there anything else you need? Perhaps you and the Skaiprisa would like some stew."
"That would be nice Nyko. Mochof."
"Sha Heda," Nyko repeated with a bow, and then left the tent.
Lexa stood above Clarke for a few more moments, and then went back into the main room of the tent to change. She felt much better once she was out of her heavy coat and tight jeans, and into a soft t-shirt and loose fitting pants. She longed for the day when she could be back in her sleeping gowns, or nothing at all. She despised sleeping in pants, and even more in her day clothing. War was taxing on her sleep.
Nyko returned with a tray of stew and two steaming mugs of tea. He set them on the table as instructed, and then departed again once his Heda knew which mug was for Clarke. Lexa made a mental note to send Nyko something nice from the capital once she returned for taking good care of her love.
Lexa went back into her private area and knelt beside her bed. Clarke looked so peaceful that she felt bad for waking her up. She laid her hand on the blonde's shoulder and gently shook it as she said her name. Clarke's eyes opened slowly, and blinked in confusion. Blue eyes met green, and for a moment Lexa it was like Lexa was looking into Clarke's soul. Clarke smiled weakly at Lexa.
Lexa returned the tired smile with a shy one of her own. "I had Nyko prepare some tea for you. It will help you breathe a little better. He also brought more stew if you are hungry."
"Tea sounds good. Not so sure about the stew," Clarke said, and then pushed herself up. "I haven't been able to keep anything down."
Lexa nodded. "Tea first then, and then maybe you could try a little of the stew. It's rabbit today."
"I'll try."
"First I think we should use that device that measures your temperature."
"Thermometer," Clarke said, and picked up the device of the bedside table, and placed it in her mouth. They sat in silence until Clarke pulled the thermometer back out. "Thirty nine point six."
"That is high," Lexa commented.
"Yes, but it's not as high as this morning. So no need to take a trip to the river."
Lexa stood and went over to the table. She returned with Clarke's mug of tea, and sat on the edge of the bed. "Perhaps this will help. If not, I will gladly accompany you into the river."
"Let's hope it doesn't come to that," Clarke said as she accepted the mug. "It might be a little high because of sleeping under the furs. I'll check it again later."
"How are feeling?"
"Stuffy," Clarke said. She sipped the steaming tea and sighed in relief as the heat opened her airways. "My mom ran out of the pain relievers, so I'm stuck dealing with the headache, sore throat, and muscle aches until she can travel back to Camp Jaha."
Lexa looked up at the bag hanging from her bed in confusion. The bag was still full.
Clarke followed Lexa's confused look. "The pain relievers were in the shots Mom and Nyko were giving me. The bag is water, antibiotics, and vitamins."
"I will see if there is anything Nyko can give you. I've sent your mother to Camp Jaha with Indra. There was an incident during a hunting trip."
"Is everything alright?" Clarke asked cautiously.
"One of my warriors was killed by accident during a hunting trip. One of your people tripped and his gun fired. I sent them to ease the tension between our people."
"Your warriors are afraid to be around my people," Clarke stated knowingly.
"Sha."
"Will your people ever accept my people?" Clarke solemnly.
Lexa look at the almost defeated look on the blonde's face win a pain in her chest. The truth was she wanted her people to accept Clarke's, but there was a lot of work to be down before that happened. She had to make sure that the Skaikru were willing to follow the rules set forth for the clans in her Collation. That they would be respectful to the clan surrounding them, and that her people can get over the fear of their weapons. There was also the potential risk of Azgeda seeing this as a weakness, and declaring war on her. She hoped that queen Nia would just try for a coup. That would make her life so much similar, but there was no telling when it came to that woman.
Nia was her biggest threat to her happiness. The Queen had already proved that she was willing to do anything to get to Lexa. Costia had been the victim of her last attempt, and she would be damned if she let Clarke fall to the same fate. She had to be sure that Nia didn't find out about Clarke. Not until she was sure there was true peace.
Lexa took the mug out of Clarke's hand and set it on the night stand. She gently picked up Clarke's hand in her own. "I will do everything in my power to bring our clans together," she vowed. She looked into Clarke's eyes as she said the words so that Clarke knew she was being honest.
Clarke gave Lexa as genuine smile.
"Let us not worry about that right now. Once you are better than we will talk," Lexa said.
"Okay," Clarke said softly. She rubbed her belly when it rumbled softly. "I think I want to try and eat something."
Lexa stood up without hesitation and retrieved both bowls. They ate in silence, mulling over their thoughts. Lexa was itching to ask Clarke about going to Polis with her, but she was unsure of where to start. There was something about Clarke that made her nervous.
Clarke was watching Lexa with interest. The brunette had taken a seat on the stool, and was being less guarded with her features. Clarke wasn't sure what all the looks meant, but it was interesting to watch. She didn't know how she felt about the commander, but she did know that there was something there. It was masked behind the pain of what she did to save her people.
Clarke was only able to eat half her bowl before a wave of nausea hit. She leaned over the bed to where the bucket was, and empty he contents of her stomach, knocking the contents of her bowl all over the furs as she went.
Lexa was quick to set her bowl to the side and move to Clarke's side. She held Clarke's braided hair back as the blonde vomited into the pale, and rubbed soothing circles on her back. Once Clarke's stomach was satisfied that it was once again empty, Clarke sat back up wearing an embarrassed look on her face.
Lexa gave Clarke a reassuring smiled, and handed Clarke a cloth.
She wiped her mouth off, and then noticed the spilt soup. "I'm sorry," she said, as she attempted to wipe the soup up with the cloth. She managed to pick up the rabbit, and potatoes, but the broth and the mushy carrots smeared further over the furs. "I'm so sorry."
"It's okay, Clarke. The furs can be washed. I'm more concern with you not being able to keep anything down." Lexa picked up the bowl and set it on the table and started pulling the soiled furs off the bed.
"Thank you," Clarke said softly. She was touched by Lexa's concern, and had overwhelming need to ease the brunette's mind. "The bag is giving my body the nutrients it needs," Clarke told her. "As long as my fever doesn't go as high as it was this morning, I should be fine."
"Then we will do everything to make sure that doesn't happen," Lexa said, and then walked out of her bed area. She returned a minute later with a clean pile of furs, and began Clarke again. She sat on the edge of the bed once she was satisfied Clarke was comfortable. She picked up the thermometer, and shook it like she had scene Abby and Nyko do. She handed the device to Clarke, who put it in her mouth. After a few minutes of silence, Clarke pulled the thermometer out of her mouth, and inspected the temp. "Thirty-nine. See it's gone down a little."
Lexa to the device and laid gently on the table. "This is a good thing. Are you feeling better?"
Clarke snuggled down into the furs further. "No. I'll be happy once I get over this thing."
"As will I," Lexa said. "Perhaps you should try to drink some more of the tea. Your stomach seemed to do alright with it."
"Yeah. It's the food it's not happy with," Clarke said, and reached for the mug.
Lexa's quick reflexes allowed her to grab the cup before Clarke could, and gently hand it to the blonde Clarke took the offer mug with a soft smile, and began sipping the warm liquid. "Not that I'm complaining, but why am I in your tent, in your bed, instead of in Nyko's healing hut?"
"Nyko's hut was destroyed when the missile hit. There is a tent set up for him, but there are still many wounded. You were in his tent for half a day before we realized that you were sick. Nyko feared the wounded would catch whatever you have, so I moved you in here."
"You're not afraid of catching my illness?" Clarke said.
"I am the Commander. I cannot get sick," Lexa said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"A little sure of yourself, are you," Clarke said.
"I have not fallen ill since I was a child, Clarke," said Lexa.
"At all?"
"No. The last illness I suffered through was just before the Heda spirit chose me," Lexa said.
"Lucky you," said Clarke as she closed her eyes.
"I'll let you rest," Lexa said, and began to walk toward the main area of the tent.
"Thank you," Clarke said weakly, halting her steps. She turned back around and eyes the blonde curiously. "For taking care of me, and for laying with me last night. That must have been hard for you."
Lexa looked unsure for a moment, before she moved to kneel next to Clarke. "Lying with you last night was the easiest thing I have ever done."
Clarke stared into Lexa's eyes searching them for the truth. All she saw returned was soft caring eyes. "I'm not ready. I need time. I need time to get over killing Finn, and…" She paused and took a breath. "I need time to move past what I've done to save my people."
The words cut Lexa like a knife, while giving her hope all at the same time. She brought her hand up and gently touched Clarke's cheek. "You take the time you need, Clarke. I will be here if you are ever ready to let me into your heart. Until then I will be here for whatever you need. I will hold your hair as you vomit, get you tea or stew, take you into the river to lower your fever, or lay with you if you are in need of comfort. My only concern is for you to get well, and for you to accept what you did. I will do anything the make that happen."
Tears welled in Clarke's eyes. Her heart already felt so full with the grief of what she did to save her people. Hearing Lexa's words, almost lovingly, the emotion trapped in her heart spilled over. She wasn't sure if she would ever be ready to let Lexa into her heart. If she would ever feel worthy of being loved. She didn't want to give Lexa false hope, but at the same she couldn't help but feel comforted by Lexa. She wanted to swim in that comfort. She wanted to feel Lexa wrap her arms around her and make her demons go away. To make the pain she felt be eased.
"Will you lay with me tonight?" She asked tentatively.
Lexa smiled softly and nodded her head. Clarke threw the covers off of herself, and Lexa crawled over Clarke. She settled in behind Clarke, who was laying on her left side protecting her IV arm. She pulled the furs back over them.
Clarke leaned back, and laid her head on Lexa's right arm, while the other one wrapped around her waist. She gently laid her own hand over Lexa's and pulled it so there hands here resting together just below Clarke's breasts.
They laid in silence until Clarke softly said, "Thank you." This time there was no need for Clarke's thank you to be explained. Those two simply words were all Lexa needed to know that her vow was heard, and understood. They drifted off into a peaceful sleep.
Lexa was the first one awake again the next morning. She was once again on her back, with Clarke tucked into the right side. Lexa eyed Clarke's right hand, which was resting between her breasts, and was thankful that Abby had wrapped the IV tubing around Clark so she could accidentally pull it out. The cord was hanging tightly above their heads.
Unlike the previous morning, Clarke was only throwing off a moderate amount of heat. Lexa gently touched the blonde's cheek and forehead, happy to feel that her fever had finally broken. Clarke was snoring slightly due to her swollen nasal passages, but Lexa was sure the worst was over. She breathed a sigh of relief.
Lexa laid with Clarke watching the blonde sleep, happy that the blonde's sleep seemed peaceful. Clarke had woke three times during the night from nightmares. Each one seemingly worse than the previous. Lexa would hold Clarke as the woman cried softly, until she calmed enough to slip back to sleep.
A voice calling her from the main room brought Lexa's attention away from Clarke. She wasn't sure how Clarke would feel about her friend seeing her like this, but she didn't have the heart to wake her.
"You may enter," she said softly.
Octavia walked through the curtains, and froze at the sight before her. Clarke was cuddling with the Commander. What the fuck?
"Why have you interrupted my sleep?" Lexa said softly, but with a clipped tone.
Octavia schooled her features and then looked at her Heda. "Indra instructed me to guard Clarke today."
"Very well," Lexa said with a slight nod. "Please find Nyko and retrieve some tea for Clarke. He will know what you are speaking of. Ask him to add some herbs to reduce nausea as well. Then go to the kitchen and retrieve two bowls of stew and some bread."
"Sha Heda. Is there anything else you require?"
"Not at the moment. Mochof, Octavia kom Trikru."
Lexa watched Octavia disappear through the curtains, in concern. Her mind went back to just a little over week before when she had ordered Octavia's death. She had promised Clarke that Octavia's life was safe, but she was still weary of the young woman. As leader of the Trigedakru, Indra had the choice to accept anyone into her clan, and Lexa respected that. She could see why Indra was so taken with the sky girl. There was a fight in her that needed to be released. That fight needed to be honed though. Octavia was untrained and loose with her thoughts. She didn't know enough about their culture, and she didn't understand what it took to be a leader.
Octavia didn't understand why she and Clarke allowed the missile to hit without warning their people. The last she knew, Octavia was angry with Clarke for allowed it to happen. Anger could cloud someone's judgment. Anger could put someone's life in danger, and Octavia's anger toward Clarke could hurt the blonde's healing mind, and Lexa couldn't have that. She would have to speak to Octavia, just like she had talked to Abby.
Lexa looked back down at Clarke. Octavia's presence hadn't woken the woman up, so she would have to do it. She had the urge to place a kiss on Clarke's forehead, but reframed. She did however place her hand on Clarke's bicep and gently ran the hand up the arm.
"Clarke," she said softly.
Lexa smiled softly as Clarke's eyes fluttered open briefly, and then snapped shut again. She groaned, and shifted slightly in protest. "Too early," Clarke grumbled, and then buried her face into Lexa's breast, making the brunette stifle a moan.
Clarke shot to the edge of the bed when she heard the stifled moan come from the woman beneath her. Her cheeks turned pink as she realized why the brunette had moaned. "Sorry."
Lex sat up and gave Clarke a reassuring smile. "Don't be. You cannot control your movements in your sleep."
Clarke gave Lexa a slight nod, and then looked away from her counterpart.
"Octavia will return with rations and tea for you soon. Should I send for Nyko to change your bag? It is nearly empty."
"No. If you get my mother's knapsack, I can change it myself," Clarke said.
Lexa nodded and climbed of the bed, and retrieved the bag from next to her throne. She watch in interest as Clarke closed the valve on the bag already hanging, and remove the end of the tuning from the IV line in her arm. She hung the new bag where the old bag had been, and then opened the valve to release any air left in the tubing. Once drops of liquid were leaking from the line, she close the valve again, and then connected the tip into her IV line.
"How does that work?" Lexa asked curiously.
Clarke looked at Lexa in surprise. She didn't think that the grounders would be willing to be taught about their healing. Lexa hadn't asked how Abby had saved Lincoln's life with the shock baton. She had just marveled at the miracle.
"How much do you know about the human body?" Clarke asked.
"I know I dislocate my shoulder a lot," Lexa said sheepishly.
Clarke smiled at that. "The needle is going into my vein, which carry your blood, air, and nutrients throughout your body. Normally your nutrients are broken down from the food and water you drink and gets absorbed into your system. Since I can't keep anything down, the bag is the only way to get those nutrients."
"Your healing is strange, but effect. I would like it very much if you would teach me more."
"I think that can be arranged," Clarke said. She laid her head against the head board.
"How are you feeling?" Lexa asked.
"A little better than yesterday. Not as good as I would like though."
"Do you think you will be up to joining the feast tonight?"
"Feast?"
"In honor of our victory at the Mountain," Lexa said.
Pain settled in Clarke chest. "I don't want to celebrate the deaths of hundreds of people," Clarke said angrily.
An angry looked crossed Lexa's features. In a clam tone she said, "The feast is too honor those who died to gain victory, and to celebrate the thousands of lives you have saved by slaying the mountain."
"So your people aren't happy that blood has had blood?"
"Your anger is justified, however it is unfounded here. Jus drein jus daun is not about happiness. It's about moving past the pain. We could not move on until they paid with their blood, and you did that for my people. My people can finally move on from what the Maunon did to them. They can move on from the pain of the Maunon taking their mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, sisters, and brothers to bleed them, and turn them into reapers. The no longer have to fear them. My people can finally be at peace. That is what jus drein jus daun give us."
A voice coming from the entrance to the bed area captured both woman's attention. "On the arc you were killed for even the smallest of crimes. It may seem harsh Clarke, but it's doesn't compare to watching your mother be floated for having you, or your father for trying to tell the truth."
Clarke looked directly at Lexa with a hard look. Octavia didn't know that Lexa had ordered her death simply because she had knowledge that could hurt Lexa. Clarke watched as Lexa's brows dipped slightly in confusion, and then slowly realization dawned.
"Leave us," Lexa said sharply. "Leave the stew and have a bath prepared for Clarke."
"Sha Heda," Octavia said as she set the stew down and then left.
"Your father was killed for having knowledge that your leaders didn't want him to announce," Lexa stated. "This is why you were trying to save Octavia's life."
"Yes," Clarke said. "We came down from the sky because the Arc was dying, and my father knew about it. He thought the people should know and it got him killed. I spent a year locked away because I knew, and I would be dead right now if the council leaders hadn't sent me to the ground with the rest of the kids in lockup."
"I am sorry, that you had to go through that," Lexa said. She felt bad for her hast decision to have Octavia killed. She wanted to tell Clarke that she will never kill to protect herself and the Collation, but she could not. She could not tell the blonde that she would never kill somebody who crossed her, who questioned her strength, or her leadership. She could not tell Clarke that she would never again order the death of one of her people, if that person put the peace she was trying to build in jeopardy. She wanted to tell Clarke that she was not the evil person she was picturing.
The truth was, she was that person. She had to be that person in order to be Heda. Sacrifices had to be made, and it was her job to carry those sacrifices. She hoped that one day there would be no need to kill to protect the peace, but she was still at least on war away from that happening. One potential war was on the horizon. One war that she had been waiting years to fight, and now that the mountain has been slayed, that war was close.
Clarke watched Lexa closely. The brunette had gone silent a few minutes before hand and seemed to be in a trance. She sighed to herself. She was being too hard on Lexa. The Heda was taking such good care of her. She was being soft, kind, and caring, and here she was condemning her. She understood that in order to be leader, Lexa had to make hard choices. Clarke was beginning to see that there were too sides to Lexa. The Heda side, which was cold, harsh, and stoic, and the Lexa side, which was fairer, kinder, and gentler.
Clarke touched Lexa's hand, capturing the brunette's attention. "I'm the one who should be apologizing," Clarke said. "I get it. I do. I killed Finn to protect my people. I shouldn't be condemning you for doing what you need to protect yours."
Lexa gave a Clarke a sharp head nod, and then busied herself with getting Clarke's tea. They ate in silence. Clarke and Lexa were pleased that Clarke was able to keep all the food she consumed down. Once they were finished, Lexa excused herself to go tend to her duties.
Lexa left the tent feeling more frazzle then she had ever felt in her life. Not even Costia had made her feel this way. Everything with Clarke was like a friendly sparing match. The constant flip flopping between having the upper hand, to being evenly matched, to being flat on her back.
Her first duty of the day was to find Octavia, and have a talk with the young warrior. She had appreciated the girl's input earlier, but she still needed to make sure Octavia wasn't going to impede on Clarke recovery. The first few months after doing something like Clarke did were the most fragile. This is when you either heal your fragile mind, or damage it further.
She found Octavia as the girl was coming out of the bathhouse. Octavia went to say something, but Lexa put her hand up to stop her. She gesture for the warrior to follow her.
As they walked, Lexa began to speak. "Clarke's mind is weak. She struggles with her decision to irradiate the Maunon. She knows that it was for the best, but her heart tells her otherwise, which is making her mind doubtful. Clarke is a true leader. She was born for this, but the harsh ways of our people are still new to her."
"Our life on the arc was harsh. My mother was a good woman. She taught me to read and write, and would read to me and my brother every night. But every day, I was forced into a hole in the floor. Forced to live my life in solitude, a prisoner to the Arc's laws. I lived in the floor for sixteen year until I was arrested for existing. To birth a second child was punishable by death, and that exactly what happened. The floated my mother, and locked me away with the rest of the underage criminals."
"You understand our ways better than the rest of Skaikru," Lexa stated.
"That's because I have Lincoln. He is my family now, just as much as Bellamy. He teaches me our ways," Octavia said.
"Just as your mother and brother taught you the ways of Skaikru."
"Sha."
"And yet you condemn Clarke and I for not warning our people about the missile," Lexa said, and then stopped walking. They were standing at the edge of the hole that was created by the missile.
"People died because of your decision," Octavia said. She didn't look at Lexa, instead kept her eyes trained on the hole.
"And many more were saved because of the decision," Lexa countered. "You are not a leader Octavia. Indra sees promise in you though. She wants to train you to be a strong warrior, and a strong leader. As strong as she is. One day you will be forced to make a decision like this one, and you will understand."
Lexa paused to see if Octavia had anything to say, and then continued. "After I learned that you knew of our secret, I ordered Ryder to kill you."
Octavia sucked in her breath sharply, and turned to look at Lexa in shock.
"I reassigned you to watch duty and then ordered Ryder to kill you. Clarke figured out what I had done and saved your life. She marched Ryder into my tent with her gun to his head, and refuse to let him out of her sight until I told him to stand down. I pointed out that she was willing to let you die just a few days before. I didn't trust you to keep our secret, and that was why I ordered your death. Clarke trusted you, and I trusted Clarke so I lifted the kill order."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"So you understand. Clarke was willing to let you die the day the missile hit to save Bellamy, and to protect the plan. She was willing to put herself in danger to save you just a few days later because you had done nothing wrong. You just had knowledge that could hurt me, and my collation. I trusted Clarke then, but I don't trust you. You are new to our lands and our ways, and have much to learn. On the other hand, you are a Trikru who an understanding of Skaikru ways, and are in a position to teach our people their ways. I am giving you an opportunity to earn my trust for yourself."
"And how do I do this?" Octavia asked skeptical.
"Clarke is hurting. I need you be a good friend to her. Forgive her for the missile if she asks for it, listen to her as she speaks, teach her our ways, and do not condemn her for the things she did to protect her people. She is doing enough of that herself. Can you do this Octavia kom Trikru?"
Octavia turned to look at the hole. "Clarke saved our friends. Their alive because of what she did. My brother is alive because of what she did. That's all I care about. I'll give Clarke her forgiveness if she asks."
"Mochof," Lexa said.
"Sha Heda," Octavia said. She turned toward Lexa, and bowed slightly.
"You'll have my trust once you prove yourself. Protect Clarke with your life. You are dismissed," Lexa said.
Octavia nodded again, and walked away.
Lexa looked in the hole and for a brief moment she allowed herself to feel the grief of her people. She allowed herself to feel weak. She had been taught all her life that love was weakness. When she fell in love with Costia, she had for a few months allowed herself to feel otherwise. After Costia was murdered, she was certain that Titus's teaching were right. He had told her many times that to be commander, meant to be alone.
Clarke was making her feel differently. Clarke had saved her people because of her love for them, not by shutting those feelings off. Her love was what gave her the strength to do what needed to be done. She was sure Titus just didn't understand what it took to be a leader. Maybe it wasn't love that was weakness, but the feelings that you let over take you. That you let cloud your judgement. Maybe what her people saw as weakness, was really just her greatest strengths. The massacre of Ton DC proved that she was able to put her feelings aside, and do what was best for her people. Clarke was right, she had felt for the people of this village. She wasn't so cold hearted as her people were lead to believe. She was ruthless, but only when she had to be. There had be a balance between them.
Lexa gave the hole, one finale look and then turned around. She mentally bottled up her grief, and schooled her features. She had wounded people to see today, to check on their recovery. She had a plan set in place for the rebuilding of the village, and she had to ride to Camp Jaha to make the appropriate arrangement there. All the while a feast was being prepared for the nights festivities. Festivities that were sure to carry on well into the night.
Octavia walked back into Lexa's tent to find Clarke bent over the bed vomiting violently into the bucket beside her. "Ugh, that sounds pleasant," she quipped, as she moved to pull Clarke's braid hair back.
"It's not," Clarke cried, and then vomited again.
"I bet you can't wait for this war to be won," Octavia joked.
Clarke sat up, and gave Octavia a glare. "Very funny."
"I thought so," Octavia said, as she took the bucket to empty it. She returned a minute later to find Clarke laying down in the furs again. She sat down on the chair and watched the blonde in interest. Clarke was watching her as well. "So I just had a very interesting conversation."
Clarke tired looking eyes were suddenly alert.
"I've been given a chance to earn Heda's trust for myself, instead of relying on her trust for you to save my life."
Clarke's eyes widened. "She told you?"
"That she placed a kill order on my head, and that you saved me. Yeah. She told me," Octavia said.
"Why would she do that? If her people find that out that she let you live, then they will think that she is weak."
"I think that is a part of why she told me. A test of sorts to see if I am loyal," Octavia said. "You are the reason she told me though. She wanted to make sure that I understood that you did what you had to do, not because you wanted to, but out of necessity. You were willing to let me die to protect Bellamy, and the plan, but when killing me would only ease fear, you saved me. She was very clear that I not hurt you with my anger. That I give you forgiveness for the missile if you asked for it."
Clarke opened her mouth to say something, but Octavia out her hand up to silence her. "She made it clear that you were torturing yourself enough over the things you did, and didn't need my judgment on top of that torture. I may not understand how you could just let it happen, but I do understand why you did. You don't need my forgiveness because there is nothing to forgive. You save our friends. My brother is alive because of what you did. Our people are safe. That's all that matters now Clarke."
Clarke teared up at Octavia's words but refused to let the tears fall. She didn't deserve any body's forgiveness, but she appreciated it all the same. Her heart felt a little lighter knowing that Octavia doesn't hate her any more. "Thank you."
"Don't thank me. Thank the Commander," Octavia said. She eyed Clarke curiously, unsure if she should asked her question or not. She wanted to know but didn't want to cross the Commander. Lexa had said to be a good friend though, and she was always reading about friends gossiping about their lives. "What's going on between you and the Commander?"
Clarke looked taken back by the random question. "I don't know what you're talking about Octavia."
"Don't play dumb with me Clarke. First I find you cuddling with her, and then the Commander pulls me aside to make sure I don't hurt you. You're not going to tell me that there isn't something going on."
Clarke stared at Octavia in slight awe. For somebody who lived under the floor for her whole life, she was damn good at reading people. She briefly wondered if this was why Indra thought Octavia would make a good warrior. She would have to make a point to ask Indra.
"I don't know," Clarke sighed, and then sat back up. She picked up her mug and stared at the contents intently between each tentative sip. "She kissed me."
Octavia's eyes widened comically, and her mouth dropped open in shock. "She what?"
"After she told me that you had nothing to fear from her, she kissed me," Clarke said.
"Just out of the blue. Hi, I won't kill Octavia, please be mine? That's a hell of a pickup line."
"It wasn't like that exactly," Clarke said, slightly amused by Octavia. "She said her ways seem harsh, but that how they survive. And then I told her that maybe life should be about more than just surviving. Then she said maybe you're right, and kissed me."
"Damn. What did you do? Did you kiss back? What was it like?"
"I was shocked when I realized what she was leaning in to do, but that went away the second her lips touched mine. It was like my mind brain froze and all could feel was her. I kissed her back. Then she broke the kiss to turn her head, and the world came crashing back to me. I saw Finn tied to that post. I could feel his body as I killed him. I pulled back and told her that I was sorry, and that I wasn't ready to be with anybody yet."
"You didn't completely shut her down," Octavia stated. "You seemed awfully cuddly for somebody who shot down her advances."
Clarke looked back down at her mug, as tears welled in her eyes. She was unable to keep them from falling this time. "It hurts, O. To think about what I did to save everybody. I see their burnt bodies every minute. I dream about saving them. I dream about them rising from the dead and trying to kill me and everybody I care for. I hear Raven's screams in my dreams. I hear my mom's. I feel myself killing Finn over and over again. I hear the screams coming from Ton DC, and it hurts. It all hurts, and I can't make it stop. Until Lexa touches me. A single touch from her makes it all stop. When she lays with me, the dreams can't hurt me. I still have them, but when I wake, I have Lexa there to make it stop."
"So are you together?" Octavia asked confused.
"No."
Octavia's brows furrowed deeper in confusion. "Have you talked about what all this means at least?"
"We have. I told her that I need to get over everything. She told me that she would give me the time I needed, but that she would be here for whatever I needed. Even if it was just her laying with me."
A smile formed on Octavia's lips. "She loves you."
Clarke looked up sharply at Octavia.
"Lexa see love as a weakness," Clarke said.
"And yet she has declared that she will wait for you until you are ready. Only somebody who is in love with you will do that. Do you think you could love Lexa?"
Clarke sighed. "I think maybe one day I can. I don't know what I feel for Lexa. My emotions are a jumbled mess at the moment. I do know that she makes it easier. She makes me feel like maybe one day I won't hurt as badly. That maybe I can forgive myself for what I've done."
Octavia sat forward a little. "We deserve to be happy Clarke. You gave us that chance. You saved our friends, and now because of you, Skaikru has the chance to thrive with the help of grounders. Don't beat yourself up too much."
"I'm glad that you don't hate me anymore," Clarke said.
"I never hated you. I just didn't understand how you could do something like that. I get it now," Octavia said. She eye the mug in Clarke's hands. "How are you feeling?"
"Better. Nyko's tea really helps," Clarke said.
"Do you need anything? You bath is probably cold by now, but I can have then warm it back up."
Clarke smiled at her friend again. "That sounds good. Thank you."
Octavia help Clarke out of bed, and they slowly made their way to the bathhouse. They spent the rest of the day talking, and joking. Being around Octavia, knowing that she didn't hate her, made Clarke's troubled mind feel better. She felt a little more at ease with what she had done.