Chapter Sixteen

The morning after, Bart discovered that his English breakfast included…blue, red, green and yellow pastry snakes, each punctuated with poppy seeds.

Heh, this must be about the Chamber. Nice touch, but I don't get why they bothered making yellow ones. It's not like the Huffle-poofs did anything.

If Bart was more empathetic, he would understand why the Hufflepuffs deserved those treats. They had spent months not knowing whether Justin would pull through, or whether he would forever be frozen.

Indeed, Justin's petrification hit the entire house hard, for they prided themselves on loyalty, and if you couldn't protect your own, then how loyal were you?

But their erstwhile Head of House was hit hardest, for her maternal instincts made her feel like every Hufflepuff was her child, and so Justin's petrification shook her very foundations.

During that time, Professor Sprout's psyche was clouded by darkness, but she nonetheless maintained a positive front for her Hufflepuffs. So when her colleagues enquired about her welfare, she deflected their proverbial Bludgers.

For example, when Professor Sinistra spotted her peering over the Astronomy Tower, Sprout hid her unhappiness by observing the stars' beauty. The Astronomy Professor wasn't convinced, but nonetheless left Sprout to her solitude.

She also made more mistakes while cleaning her Herbology greenhouse, like tripping over a gnarled stump while she was fretting over Justin. Unfortunately, said stump was actually a Snargaluff, who repaid Pomona by launching some long, prickly vines at her throat.

Luckily, like a true, hard-working Hufflepuff, she was prepared for this eventuality, thwarting the vine's murderous intentions with a Protego Totalum, before lowering the shield, knocking back its attack with a Flipendo Duo, and transfiguring a tossed knut into a venison, which the Snargaluff gratefully accepted, as the vines and venison slid back into the stump.

Obviously the plant saw my offering as a mea culpa, Sprout thought, her smirk resembling Bart's. Which was quite coincidental, because Sprout not only disliked Bart's smart mouth and mediocre marks, but also him harassing her Hufflepuffs. Last year, he flicked Howlers their way. This year, Bart mocked Justin's plight. Had she not been battling her mental demons, or protecting her Hufflepuffs, she would have demanded that Bart be disciplined.

Pomona normally sympathised with difficult students, knowing that their behaviour was driven by boredom or parental neglect, but Bart had antagonised her house. And she couldn't have that. No, she and Albus would be having words about Bart.

Speaking of whom…

"HEY GEMMA, HAVE YOU SEEN TH – "

Which was followed by mad cackling from the Gryffindor table.

"Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha HA HA HA HA HA HAA HAA HAA HAAAA HAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"I see that the Weasley twins are quite enjoying the Daily Prophet", the headmaster observed before Pomona took in the eye-catching headline.

LUCIUS MALFOY ARRESTED FOR CONSPIRACY TO MURDER!

She almost spat out her drink.

In truth, she had never liked Lucius. Sure, he seemed a model student, but he had allegedly bullied Muggleborns. Allegedly, because he was never incriminated. Having Horace Slughorn onside helped, and his alleged victims were never forthcoming. Whether because of bribes or threats, Pomona knew not. And the rumours about him being a Death Eater weren't an alarum to love, either.

While Pomona recalled her experiences with Lucius, Daphne and Tracey exchanged satisfied smirks. For Monsieur Malfoy had always been antagonistic towards them. Sure, he hid his acrimony with perfunctory greetings, but the glint in his cold, grey eyes revealed enough.

According to Daphne, their families disliked each other for several reasons.

Firstly, Cyrus was made Head Boy, whereas Lucius was not.

Secondly, Cyrus never actively endorsed blood supremacist ideals like Lucius did.

Third, Lucius endured Lord Voldemort's mood swings and punishments, whereas Cyrus did not. This was because Daphne's grandfather, Darius, paid Voldemort a protection fee, shielding Cyrus from the Death Eaters. After all, Voldemort wouldn't murder his donors.

Fourth, after Voldemort vanished, Cyrus was elected to the Wizengamot, whereas Lucius was not. The Wizengamot had wanted to distance themselves from suspected Death Eaters; a stance which Dumbledore, as Chief Warlock, encouraged by persuading enough Wizengamot members to vote against Lucius during every five-year cycle.

And so, Lucius constantly complicated Cyrus' job, particularly regarding matters which aroused his passions. Like Arthur Weasley's Muggle Protection Act.

Which Cyrus wasn't opposed to, since dark artifacts harming Muggles made his wife's job harder. Firstly, you couldn't obliviate a dead Muggle; secondly, obliviating a Muggle who had handled a dark artifact could be tricky. Dark artifacts often contained powerful curses which could easily counteract a generic memory charm.

For example, one Muggle archaeologist had stumbled upon a cursed goblet which caused rapid ageing. A mere memory charm couldn't salvage that situation.

But unlike Cyrus, Lucius had been steeped in decades of bigotry, and so genuinely believed that Muggles who handled magical artifacts deserved whatever punishment befell them.

Her parents didn't agree, but passing the act proved difficult. Maybe Lucius spending time in the slammer would change that, especially since the Minister of Magic would surely distance himself from an alleged criminal.

Meanwhile, Bart and Gemma almost burst out laughing. After all, seeing your adversary's father go down like a clown was most enjoyable.

"What do you think could better this, Bart?" Gemma asked under cover of a Muffliato, looking down the table and noticing that Draco was conspicuously absent. "Maybe Draco leaving Hogwarts?"

Bart burst out laughing.

"Are you kidding, Gemma? He's like the salmon that jumps on the hook for you! No, the only thing that could top this, is if someone shoves a tennis racquet so far up Drainy's ass that Pete Sampras can use him at the next US Open!"

Gemma's expression said it all.

And she wasn't the only one looking at Bart, for Harry fixed him with a hard stare while Hermione and Ron spoke.

"So…what was the Chamber of Secrets like?"

"Well, it's a great place to send the mother-in-law."

While Hermione berated Ron for his remark, Harry mentally berated Bart.

I can't believe you'd do that, Bart! Spreading those rumours about Hermione!

Hearing those rumours had upset Hermione greatly. She was going to confront Bart over them, but Harry insisted that he handle the matter. After all, Harry's sense of honour demanded that he act.

And he soon did, with Bart's parchment burning while he lazed in the common room.

"Bart! Explain yourself, now!"

"What do you mean, dude?"

"I mean about Malfoy and Hermione!"

"You think I spread those rumours?"

"I don't think, I know!"

"Look dude, the last time I did that, I actually admitted it."

"That doesn't mean anything!"

"Sure it does. I mean, how many people hate Drainy?"

"Ummm…pretty much all of Gryffindor, I think."

"So why don't you ask one of them?"

After a few moments…

"Alright. But if I find out that you did this…"

"Then you can give me both barrels. M'kaayyyyyy?"

And with that, the metaphorical line went dead.

Bart leant back and cracked his knuckles.

Problem solvered.

Immediately afterwards, Harry sought out the Weasley twins. If someone would spread damaging rumours about Draco, it would be Bart. But if anybody else would, it would be the Weasley twins.

"Fred. George. We need to talk."

Fred grinned.

"About what, my dear Harry?"

"About these rumours involving Malfoy and Hermione."

"Whatever makes you think that we were involved?"

"Such scurrilous tales, they were", George added.

"Sordid!"

"Slanderous!"

"To Hermione", Fred finished.

Harry nodded.

"So…you're saying that you two weren't involved?"

George gave a classic politician's reply.

"While we suspect that Draco does indeed hold a torch for Hermione, we do not recall telling anybody that."

And indeed, they didn't tell any particular person about Draco's alleged crush. Instead, they merely mentioned it in a crowded hall. Quite loudly. Several times.

"Besides, we'd make it up to Hermione if we were responsible", Fred assured.

Harry nodded before trooping off, not noticing the twins' guilty expressions.

Outside the common room, Harry slumped against the wall and took a deep breath. Really, rumours were like Chinese whispers. Once they spread, it was unable to pinpoint who started them, and they became more ridiculous as time went on.

So rather than reacting rashly, he embraced his inner Slytherin and thought things through.

And so, with great reluctance, he found himself before the headmaster.

"What's troubling you, Harry?"

"Umm…Professor Dumbledore, have you heard rumours about Draco Malfoy having a crush on Hermione?"

"Yes, Harry. Bart alleged that very thing. Teenage romance is both beautiful and fragile."

Harry could have sworn that a note of sadness permeated the headmaster's voice when he said that. Maybe he was remembering a lost love from his own youth…

But maybe Harry was imagining things. Anyway…

"It isn't true, and Hermione's very upset about it. Also, Bart says that he didn't start it, and the Weasley twins said that they didn't either."

The headmaster suspected that Bart was lying, but he didn't say so. After all, he didn't want to drive a wedge between Bart and Harry, especially when Bart was bringing the houses together after so many decades of division.

"Very well. I will address these rumours during the evening feast. But before then, we have Argus' funeral to attend. So please, come with me."

And before he knew it, Harry found himself sitting in a golden chair by the Black Lake. The atmosphere was suitably sombre, with even the Weasley twins sporting uncharacteristically serious expressions.

As did Ginny, who clearly blamed herself for her role in Filch's demise. Hell, even Peeves was there, having shelved his chicanery for the occasion. However, he didn't see anyone who remotely resembled Argus himself.

So Ron was right. Most wizards really don't want anything to do with their Squib relatives, Harry thought, feeling a pang of pity for Filch despite their antagonistic relationship.

However, Bart felt absolutely nothing. Sure, Filch didn't deserve his brutal demise, but they weren't exactly best buddies. Meanwhile, Gemma's emotions were carefully masked.

Unlike Gemma, Pansy couldn't hide her contempt for the whole experience.

"Ugh, haven't we passed the standard mourning period already? He was only a Squib!"

"Die, so we can find out", Bart muttered, as the Slytherins around him snickered.

Pansy threw him a hateful glare.

"Maybe one day I'll be attending your funeral, Simpson."

"Right after I attend your boyfriend's. Hey, where is he, anyway?"

"None of your business", Pansy snarled before Gemma hushed them.

Just as well, for the headmaster stood before Filch's tomb and began a stirring eulogy.

"Duty. Diligence. Determination. These qualities best define Argus Filch. I had the pleasure of knowing him for 25 years, and throughout those years, he cleaned the castle and kept order to the best of his ability. His duties might now be done, but if everybody here had Argus' discipline and work ethic, then our world would be better for it."

The staff in the front row murmured in agreement. They may not all have liked Filch's personality, but nobody could deny his dedication.

And so, even though he lacked Filch's remains, Dumbledore honoured the old caretaker's request to be cremated by lighting the tomb right up. The fire wrapped itself around the tomb, with a giant white void revealing itself as the sky darkened.

The tomb slowly drifted upwards, before the area erupted in a blinding flash of light, shattering the tomb and enveloping the headmaster in a red and gold haze as the pieces flew into the void.

The void then slammed shut with a resounding boom, reflecting the finality that Filch had always sought in life – whether that be finalising punishments, or finalising his other duties.

Bart's eyes widened at the display.

You gotta give the old man credit; he knows how to send someone off.

"And now", Dumbledore requested as blue sky returned, "would the teachers please lead the students back to the castle in an orderly fashion, the way Argus would have wanted? And Pomona, can you please pick up Mrs. Norris? Arabella would love to have her."

But Bart wasn't loving how the Weasley twins approached him with worried faces.

"We have a problem, milord", George began.

"Abouuuuut?"

"Miss Granger. See, she's upset by these tall tales about her."

"Well, what can I do? I'm not meant to admit anything."

"No, but maybe you can get Hermione a nice book."

"From the queen's chambers", Fred contributed.

"So we can give it to her."

Bart nodded.

"Fine; I'll ask Gemma."

And Gemma would ask Jake.

"Certainly, Gemma", he replied. "On one condition."

"Which is?"

"That you explain that sloppy ruse regarding Bart's heritage."

Gemma's hid her apprehension with a broad smile.

"Whatever do you mean, father?"

Jake smiled indulgently.

"I have contacted MACUSA, and according to them, Bartholomew Steward does not exist. Only Bartholomew Simpson. Simpson is not a wizarding name, and the adults in that…house…cannot perform magic. Which means that Bart is a Muggleborn."

Gemma belatedly recognised her foolishness. Her father was too astute to not investigate her claims.

"I-I'm sorry, father. I-it's just that we've never openly associated with Muggleborns before."

Jake slowly nodded.

"That's true. Doing so is risky, especially since he is still alive.

However, given Bart's prodigious talent, I fully understand why you did. You saw an opportunity to harness a prodigious talent, and you seized it.

Unfortunately, I doubt that the Dark Lord will appreciate your ingenuity."

Gemma frowned. She had freely associated with Bart, and word about that would eventually reach Voldemort, especially since Gemma had made some enemies within Slytherin.

And once it did…their days were numbered. Especially since Bart had already thwarted Voldemort once, and Voldemort was nothing if not vengeful.

"So what can we do?" Gemma asked, trying to fight off her rising unease.

Jake frowned.

"To my knowledge, the Dark Lord never conducted operations outside the United Kingdom.

So…while the notion makes me retch, I will consider purchasing a property in Bart's hometown over the holidays. And then make it Unplottable. The Dark Lord would not track us there – the country is too large, and he has too few operatives.

Given the protections around Bart's house, we would also set up a Portkey between ours and his, in case we must evacuate, or vice versa."

Gemma tilted her head.

"And Farley Manor?"

"We will set up a Portkey between there and here – and when the time comes, we will abandon the manor and take the Portkey with us."

"And the apothecary?"

Jake sighed.

"I will need to find a buyer posthaste. I may not receive an ideal amount, but it is certainly preferable to abandoning the premises should we have to flee. And, should the buyer engage in any tricks…well, there are the usual protections."

Gemma nodded.

"Very well, father. I will let Bart know. And thank you for the book."

And with that, she left his office.

But Jake was left with some thoughts of his own.

Where did Bart acquire such talent?

Meanwhile, Severus and his superior had a thought-provoking discussion.

"Are you telling me…that Potter ventured into the Forbidden Forest to converse with some Acromantulas?"

The headmaster nodded.

"That boy…he's even more reckless than his saintly father. I've no idea why you haven't cordoned off the forest with an age line, already."

Headmaster Dumbledore sighed.

"We've been over this, Severus. The centaurs won't allow it. They informed me that in an emergency, they couldn't then evacuate their foals from the forest. And I never thought that any student would actually seek out an Acromantula.

However, I will ensure that only Hagrid can access that section of the forest."

"Good. We do not need vengeful Acromantulas breathing down our necks."

The headmaster nodded before lifting Tom Riddle's diary.

"Tell me, Severus. How many diaries can possess a young girl before manifesting physically?"

The potion master's eyes widened as he remembered seeing a figure loom over Gemma.

"You're suggesting…that the Dark Lord emerged from the diary?"

"Harry indicated that, yes. Which makes me suspect that this was a Horcrux."

Severus almost choked on his own saliva.

"A-a Horcrux?"

"Yes. For you see, Ginny exposed the diary to her emotions and thoughts. In doing so, she exposed her soul…to the soul trapped within the diary. The two souls then met, and became one as Voldemort's soul began controlling Miss Weasley's.

And what worries me is how cavalier he was with this diary. One would think that he would always keep it close."

"What are you suggesting?" Severus sharply asked.

The headmaster closed his eyes and took a deep breath before responding.

"That Lord Voldemort made more than one Horcrux."

"What?!" Snape angrily hissed, his tone betraying his disgust. For all his flaws, not even he had contemplated splitting his soul, much less doing so repeatedly.

"That is correct, Severus. Though I must determine what they were, and where they are."

"When you've found out…you know what to do."

The headmaster nodded with grim determination.

"What about the Board of Governors? They will be seeking a new chairman."

"And I will recommend Horace. It is a relatively undemanding role which allows him to influence the school's running. Plus, it leaves him plenty of time to persuade Cornelius that playing into Lord Voldemort's hands isn't such a good idea.

Especially since he'll be competing with Dolores Umbridge for influence, and he was never fond of her."

For good reason, the potions master thought, remembering Dolores as the brown-nosed gnome who constantly sucked up to authority figures.

"Will you reveal the Dark Lord's identity?"

The headmaster sighed.

"I tried exposing his identity on the Wizarding Wireless in the 1970s. Not only was I asked not to call in again, but the host subsequently disappeared. Besides, his sympathisers would simply ignore me."

The potions master nodded before continuing.

"Soooooo…are you holding another press conference in Simpson's honour? Are you going to beatify him, perhaps?"

The headmaster glared at Snape.

"In fact, I will do neither. I initially thought that the press conference last year was a raging success, but with hindsight, that was only because Bart galvanised most of the school. The knowledge that Voldemort had infiltrated Hogwarts might otherwise have prompted more parents to withdraw their children.

And if they discover that a basilisk was underneath the school…well, I fear an exodus. Especially given the student faculty's reaction when I informed them about Argus' passing.

So, I will prompt the five students involved to sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement. Any attempt to break it will see them become tongue-tied."

The potions master was unimpressed.

"You understand that rumours would have already spread, Albus?"

"Yes, but not even the most paranoid parent would truly believe that a basilisk resided beneath Hogwarts… unless that was revealed by one of those involved."

"Indeed", Severus replied, realising that Bart would blab about his experience inside the Chamber to boost his own fame, given the chance.

And that's when Severus had a horrifying epiphany.

Good Lord, Simpson is practically a Slytherin James Potter! He's certainly arrogant enough.

Moreover, Bart possessed a rat cunning which the elder Potter lacked. For instance, Snape doubted that James would get away with engineering a teacher's strike singlehandedly.

And yet, Bart did.

With growing dread, Snape realised that the next five years would be most unpleasant.

Not that Bart felt much better as he confronted Dumbledore.

"What do you mean, I have to apologise to the Huffle-poofs?! They accused me and Harry of killing Filch!"

Harry nodded.

"That's true, sir."

The headmaster inwardly groaned. Having Bart and Gemma sign the agreement was like pulling teeth, so this tussle was one he'd rather not have.

"Fair enough, Bart. I will notify Pomona. But if the Hufflepuffs do approach you…please consider my words."

"Sure thing, headmaster", Bart smoothly replied, grabbing an apple and biting on it before waltzing out of the headmaster's office.

Gemma shook her head.

He really needs more etiquette lessons.

And Bart would learn a lesson in humility when some Hufflepuffs approached him. This was because the headmaster had informed them all that the threat arising from the Chamber of Secrets was no more, and that no current Hogwarts student was the heir.

"Simpson", Ernie pompously began. "I must humbly apologise for accusing you and Potter of murdering Filch."

Bart narrowed his eyes.

"Did you say sorry to Harry?"

The Hufflepuffs nodded.

"Yeah, alright. And I'm sorry for giving you guys shit over the past two years", Bart replied as his guilty conscience got the better of him. "But we're still not friends. Got it?"

Ernie nodded.

A Gryffindor soon approached him in an empty corridor.

I didn't know I was doing a meet n' greet, but them's the breaks. "Can I help you, man?"

Seamus nervously rubbed the back of his sandy hair.

Bart narrowed his eyes as he suddenly understood why he was approached.

"This is about Hermione, isn't it?"

"Yeah. Look, I just wanted to say - "

"It's OK, dude. I put the fucker who did that back in his box anyway, so it's all good."

"Who was it? I mean, the heir? Was it Malfoy? He's like Hitler, or one of them mad fellas!"

Bart groaned.

"Ugh, he's worse than Hitler. At least Hitler hasn't got a smug prick face."

Seamus laughed.

But Harry wouldn't be laughing when the headmaster summoned him a month later.

"Harry, my boy. I'm so very, very sorry."

"About what, Professor?" Harry asked, seeing that the man was holding back tears.

"For having the Dursleys house you."

Harry angrily leapt out of his seat.

"WHAT? YOU DID THAT?! WHY?"

The headmaster lowered his head.

"Because, in my naivete, I assumed that Petunia would treat you like family. Instead…she saw you as subhuman. They all did. And it's all my fault."

And with that, the headmaster started crying. Harry didn't have the heart to lay into the man right now, so he only asked…

"Why?"

"Because the protective enchantments around the property would ensure your safety from Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters, as long as you called 4 Privet Drive home."

Harry shook his head.

"Professor…4 Privet Drive hasn't been my home for two years. I just stay there over the holidays; Hogwarts is my home."

The headmaster gasped. He knew that the protective enchantments were inadequate – if Dobby could get through, then Lucius could surely exploit Dobby's magic and penetrate the barrier – but he didn't know that they were a complete lie.

Until now.

"Then I have put you at risk unnecessarily. You must forgive me, Harry. For you see, while I have done great things, I have also made great mistakes. And your upbringing was one."

"W-why didn't you see me?"

"Because Arabella Figg was looking out for you."

Harry scoffed.

"She didn't know anything. Nobody did."

The headmaster took a deep breath before looking Harry dead in the eye.

"Harry. Would you like to press charges?"

Harry thought for a moment before shaking his head.

"No. I'd prefer to forget about them."

"In that case…I was planning to house you myself. I will resign as Supreme Mugwump to make that possible. Would you please give this old man a chance to atone for his mistakes?"

Normally, Harry would ask himself whether he really wanted to live with a man who had hurt him so, but Dumbledore's pleading tone veritably tugged at his heartstrings. And besides, anywhere was better than 4 Privet Drive.

And so, Harry couldn't help but grin.

"I will, sir."

They quickly clasped hands, as the headmaster cried tears of joy.

"You've made this old man very happy, Harry."

And Harry conveyed that happiness to Bart.

"Bart, guess what?"

"What, man?"

"I'm not going back to the Dursleys! Dumbledore said that I could stay with him!"

Bart's face fell.

"Well…at least you're not living with those assholes anymore."

"Yeah! By the way, I found out that the Weasley twins spread those rumours. They told me they'd make it up to Hermione if they did, and apparently they gave her a book."

Bart suddenly felt a little guilty.

"Umm…you weren't too rough on them, were you?"

"Well, I did give them a piece of my mind. But I didn't curse them or anything."

"That's good. Besides, they obviously damaged Drain-o's reputation, 'cos I haven't seem him 'round here in weeks!"

"Speaking of which, there's one last thing I wanna do."

"Which is?"

"Free Dobby."

"Umm, how?"

"By getting the Malfoys to give him clothes."

"And how the hell are we…"

A lightbulb then went off in Bart's head.

"Harry, I've got an idea."

Soon enough, Bart was talking with Gemma in an empty classroom. The prefect's eyes glazed over in thought. She always loved getting one over the Malfoys, but…

"There are just a couple of issues. Firstly, we need an alibi. People will notice if multiple students are absent for an extended period during school hours.

Secondly, we must check that Malfoy Manor isn't rigged with safeguards, like a Caterwauling Charm. I'll send a disillusioned Sleazy to scout the manor first. If there are any safeguards, he'll report back so we can infiltrate the manor and rescue Dobby."

"Jake can cover for us. He hates them too." And I could always use a house-elf…

Gemma nodded.

"Yes, he could always say that I am helping you study."

Bart nodded before sliding off the desk.

"Let's go, then."

The next day, a disillusioned Bart, Harry and Gemma crawled through the confines of Malfoy Manor. Sounds were unnecessary; they'd only alert the portraits above them.

Luckily, Gemma had been here many times for balls and soirees, otherwise they would have gotten lost in the winding hallways.

How convenient then, that Lucius showed her family Draco's room. He had obviously meant to rub his wealth in their faces, but his arrogance would soon come back to bite his family.

How poetic.

But Draco didn't know that, as he moped on his four-poster bed.

Even his wealth couldn't distract him from the obvious: he had endured an annus horribilis. Not only had Bart and Gemma humiliated him repeatedly, his father was arrested! And for what, striking back at their mortal foes? If anything, his father did his duty!

Moreover, he was confronted with rumours about him and Hermione Granger. He knew that Bart was behind that, but his allies didn't. As such, he had to convince them that if he had a crush on Hermione, he wouldn't be calling her a Mudblood.

However, his allies were still reluctant to back him up – not just because they had repeatedly been punished, but also because Lucius' arrest meant that Draco could no longer hide behind his influence.

He pointed out that Narcissa was a Black, but that did little. The Blacks weren't so feared anymore, since almost all of them were dead or imprisoned.

Luckily, his mother had withdrawn him from Hogwarts in protest after Lucius' arrest, so any backlash resulting from his waning influence was limited.

Surely things can't get any worse?

He'd be proven wrong, for he suddenly had an uncontrollable urge to give Dobby clothes.

"Dobby!"

"Young master called?"

"Yes. Here's a glove."

Dobby then realised what had happened.

"Master has given Dobby clothes!"

"Now!" Gemma whispered into Bart's ear.

The boy needed no further invitation, whipping out his wand before casting his newest spell.

"Carpe Retractum!"

Before Draco could react, a cord of orange light wrapped itself around Dobby before pulling him towards an unseen object.

Quick as a flash, the cord had disappeared with Dobby.

Draco stood there for a few seconds, trying to process what had just happened.

But then it all made sense, as he stood up.

"MOTHER!"

Before Bart knew it, they had all collapsed inside an empty Hogwarts classroom.

After Gemma removed the disillusionment charms and dismissed Sleazy, Dobby stood up.

"Oh, the great Harry Potter and the magnificent Bart Simpson have come through for Dobby! How can I ever repay you?"

Harry chuckled.

"Just don't send Bludgers after me again, OK?"

Dobby then turned to Bart and Gemma with a guilty expression.

"Young Draco told me to send you two into a wall. Dobby is very sorry for that."

Bart smirked.

Now's my chance! "Well, how about making it up to me by becoming my house elf?"

Harry turned towards Bart with an incredulous expression, but seeing Dobby's pleading stare changed his mind.

"Oh, all right."

Dobby jumped for joy.

"Dobby would be honoured to serve Bart Simpson!"

"Well then, my room at home needs cleaning. You know where I live, right?"

Dobby nodded.

"Then get on it, dude."

And with that, Dobby disappeared.

"Nicely done, Bart", Gemma commented. "Potter, why didn't you claim Dobby for yourself?"

Harry sighed.

"I don't need any house elves, Farley."

"Well, if you enjoy making your life harder…"

"Look, just because I don't like taking advantage of - ".

Bart quickly intervened.

"Alright people, we'd better break this up, or teachers will start looking for us."

"Gladly. See you two later", Harry muttered before storming out.

Gemma shook her head.

He's definitely no Slytherin.

Meanwhile, back at Malfoy Manor, a Slytherin student was being comforted by his ex-Slytherin mother.

Narcissa had a very good idea who had tricked Draco. The guilty party would need a house elf to trigger the Caterwauling Charm – thus coaxing Narcissa into investigating and deactivating the charm – and apparate the guilty party inside Malfoy Manor, since its protective charms prevented wizards from apparating inside themselves.

She cursed herself for not seeing this coming, but no pureblood family had pulled something like this before.

"Don't worry, Draco", she consoled. "We will acquire another elf and get revenge in due course. But first, we must rescue your father from prison…".

Bart was feeling on top of the moon the next morning.

His father's in jail, and now Drain-o doesn't have a house elf! This is as good as it gets!

Now, had the headmaster announced that Hogwarts' Library was purchasing Radioactive Man comics, he'd change his mind. The letter that he did receive, from Seraphinus Boot, did not. Nonetheless, both Bart and Gemma read it while eating, under cover of a Muffliato.

Gemma summarised what she was reading.

"Let's see…Boot woke up in the hospital bed on the first day with his memory wiped."

"Yeah."

"He then went into the Great Hall, where a student loudly accused him of stealing his wand in front of hundreds – and the wand was found in Boot's pocket."

"Yep."

Etiquette, Bart. "And then, after Fontaine investigated their memories, Boot was wrongly accused of stealing and was punished accordingly.

He's then constantly hexed and jinxed over the next few months. He's even jinxed while flying."

"Obviously someone wanted Ilvermorny's hero gone."

"Well, he and his friends had Glittergolds – the American Gringotts – create a moving Ilvermorny map using the Homonculous Charm, with the Sneakoscope's runes added to detect hostiles. Very clever, I must say. At least the twins don't have anything like that."

Bart burst out laughing.

"Yeah, Snape would have lost his clothes by now!"

"But there are too many hostiles on the map. However, some months later, Boot overhears a conversation involving killing him, only to be exposed and stunned."

"Hmph, they obviously saw him coming."

"Yes. They tied him up in a room with a printing press…"

"Money laundering!" Bart realised.

"Yes. They explained that they earlier spiked his drink with Essence of Insanity to compromise his decision-making processes and lead him into unnecessary trouble, but he still annoyed them. So they would now give him the whole bottle."

"You'd think that'd get them expelled."

"Not if they weren't students and were never caught", Gemma replied.

Bart shrugged.

"Anyway, when the men leave, Boot props his chair up against the conveniently lit fireplace, singing the ropes before grabbing his wand, which his kidnappers left with him.

Boot must drink a bottle of Felix Felicis – lucky potion – every morning."

"Maybe they're just stupid."

"Maybe. Anyway, Boot's friends locate him using their map, and so a massive fight breaks out outside, which Boot joined by stunning a couple of wizards.

He and his friends were still about to lose, until Fontaine and Dumbledore appeared."

"Must have been after Hogwarts suspended him." Probably checking in on his criminal empire. He probably hid the printing press afterwards.

"Hmph, yes. Anyway, that wasn't the end, because one wizard cast a Fumos before running into the Astronomy Tower. When Boot chased him up there…"

Bart pictured the scene in his mind's eye.

"Give it up, Selwyn! It's over!"

"When you drop your wand, goody-goody!" Samuel Selwyn replied with a feverish expression, his wand held to a girl's head.

Seraphinus took a deep breath. While his eyes burned with their usual ferocity, he slowly, slowly lowered his wand.

But then…

"YOW!"

The girl stamped on his foot and ran into the crowd watching them. In desperate anger, Samuel turned towards Seraphinus.

"AVADA KEDA - !"

"FLIPENDO!"

Which knocked Samuel out of the Astronomy Tower's window.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Lucky there were witnesses", Bart observed.

Gemma nodded.

"And then he receives a Community Service Award and Merlin knows how many points, helping Thunderbird win the trophy.

I stand corrected, then. Boot drinks a cauldron of Felix Felicis every morning."

Bart chuckled before writing his response.

The next months blurred by for Bart, as did his birthday and Gemma's Sweet Seventeenth. Every time he lost concentration while studying, Daphne and Tracey would hit him on the head or kick him in the shins. Gemma occasionally helped him, but she was otherwise consumed with her N.E.W.T's.

Yet again, he passed everything. Yet again, Gemma was underwhelmed. That his History of Magic mark was slightly better than last year's didn't mollify her much, although at least he wasn't backsliding.

Clearly Bart isn't born for academics, Gemma mused. But surely he'll receive an Outstanding sooner or later?

But Gemma soon cheered up.

"On 480 points, the House Cup winner is…SLYTHERIN!"

The Slytherins cheered, hooted and hollered, almost drowning out the other three tables' groans. Bart and Gemma hugged each other in pure, unadulterated joy.

All the cooties in the world are worth this. Especially since Drainy ain't here to see it! Bart thought. He felt sorry for his Gryffindor friends, but once a Slytherin, always a Slytherin.

But as the din died down…

CLAP! CLAP! CLAP!

This caused a commotion until everyone saw a lone Gryffindor, Harry, applaud the Slytherins. The entire Weasley clan joined him, as did Hermione.

"Thank you, Bart", she mouthed.

"No problem, Hermione."

He then saw four Ravenclaws – Anthony, Terry, Su and Luna – applaud.

Seizing the initiative, Bart jumped on the Slytherin table and bowed to them, triggering applause from not only the other three houses, but from most of Slytherin, as blood prejudices were overshadowed in one shining moment.

The staff joined in, with the headmaster wiping away a tear of pride. Even Snape managed a satisfied smirk.

This is what Hogwarts should be about. Applauding successes and building bridges, rather than dividing and undermining each other.

Right now, Hogwarts was further away from Tom's ideals than ever. And that made the headmaster very happy.

While Bart and Gemma rode home together, a door opened.

"Bart!"

"Yes, Luna?"

"Daddy and I are going to Australia to find a Crumple-Horned Snorcack!"

"Have fun, then!" Bart replied, barely restraining his laughter.

The door quickly closed.

"What did you tell that girl?" Gemma asked.

"It's a long story."

And in Farley Manor, Bart and Gemma would finish another long story – Return of the Jedi.

"You know, given how ridiculous these movies are, they are quite enjoyable", Gemma observed as Luke waved Anakin, Yoda and Obi-Wan goodbye.

And with that, they held hands.

Meanwhile, deep within The Burrow, a certain rat realised that its time was coming…

ENDUT! HOCH HECH! – BOOK 2

Author's Notes for Chapter Sixteen

It's the end of the line, after 20 months! Thanks for everyone who stayed with me! I hope that this book was better than Book 1, and I hope Book 3 will be better still!

The Wizengamot's five-year cycle is based off the British Parliamentary Elections.

Canon implies that Filch began working at Hogwarts in the late 1960s.

Inspired by The Chosen Six by Tribun, I decided to explore valid reasons for Dumbledore NOT sealing off the Forbidden Forest.

Dumbledore discussing Horcruxes sets the scene for subsequent books.

This isn't the end for the Dursleys. I'll reveal more details about Dumbledore's visit in subsequent chapters, and they're not getting off scot-free.

Fanfics often show Narcissa abandoning Lucius as soon as he does something stupid. I don't think canon Narcissa would do that. The Malfoys love each other too much, and Narcissa disdains the Weasleys. Moreover, Narcissa loved Lucius even though he likely committed atrocities in the First War.

Glittergolds is fanon - taken from Forgotten Realms, it's meant to be the American version of Gringotts.

Samuel Selwyn falling out a window is loosely based on Die Hard.

Gemma wrongly guesses that the Weasley twins don't have a Marauders Map - another Mary Sue aversion.

The story opens with A New Hope and ends with Return of the Jedi - a nice bookend.

I'll cover more about the Parkinsons and the Simpsons in the next book.

Simpsons episode references:

'Sideshow Bob Roberts': The twins' evil laugh

alexeie206/Stormzy/Nom de Plume/Monster King/Merinus: Thanks.