Chapter Two

Five days.

Five days of misfortune befell those living at 4 Privet Drive, with each misfortune being as momentous as the last. A siege mentality spread among the Dursleys, since their enemy seemingly struck with impunity from the shadows. They figured that the freak was responsible, but realistically speaking, anyone could be their enemy: the milkman, the postie, that dog with the shifty eyes…

So Vernon, long believing that sick leave was for scroungers, hypocritically took his. Being the quintessential authoritarian, he called the police. Their searches naturally bore no fruit, but a police car nonetheless monitored their residence.

Petunia's gossiping became ever more feverish, as she convinced herself that the neighbours were punishing her for voting Conservative in the local elections.

Similarly, Aunt Marge, a proud old Thatcherite, believed that those Yugoslav gangs were responsible. Truly, she thought, Old Blighty was seeing her final days.

Meanwhile, the oppressive atmosphere was suffocating Dudley. He was used to ruling the neighbourhood, stalking the streets with his comrades as frightened children paid their dues, lest they be hunted like Harry was.

However, the sixth day of misfortune would reach a new nadir.

For instance, it's beginning was not promising, for Dudley was in his bedroom, drowning in paranoia as he furtively wondered what woes awaited him. He didn't feel like finding out, instead wanting to crawl into a hole and die.

And his friends, his dear friends…they hadn't even checked on him.

A horrible delusion consumed Dudley as his vision dimmed. My mates set this up with Potter, that's why they haven't called me! 'Cos after my family leaves, the freak will let the others steal what they want!

And they'll turn on you just like they've turned on me, freak. Too bad I can't see that happen!

But before his thoughts could drive him insane, Petunia opened his door.

Dudley took a deep breath.

"Yes, Mum?"

Being trapped inside their home had taken a toll on the Dursleys, and so they treated each other with more warmth than usual, because right now, they only had each other. And for all his bratty behaviour, Dudley had always loved his parents.

"Your friends are here!"

Dudley's grin would have made Jack Nicholson proud.

They're here! I'll give those townies what-for.

He veritably flew down the stairs as Petunia grinned.

"It's lovely that you've got such wonderful friends, Dudley."

Dudley inwardly scoffed.

Yeah, we'll see how wonderful they are once I sort 'em out.

He jumped onto the last step, shaking the house and providing the perfect atmosphere for the coming altercation.

Not that Piers Polkiss and his chums realised this, as Piers opened the door.

"'Ey, Big D! How's life without the freak?"

Dudley's blue eyes pierced through Piers' scrawny frame.

The rat-faced delinquent shuddered slightly. Something was very wrong here; Dudley only intimidated enemies like this, not friends.

"U-uh, blimey, what's happenin', Big D?" a similarly nervous Gordon asked.

Dudley took a deep breath and remained incongruously calm. Indeed, it was only their old friendship which stopped Dudley from attacking them full-bore. But angry, he remained.

"The freak has attacked us for days, and you gits weren't here! MAYBE YOU HELPED HIM!"

"But we haven't seen him for yonks", Dennis protested. "Besides, we hate that freak."

"So why would these boys work for him, Dudley?" Petunia asked with unusual disapproval.

Dudley shook his head angrily.

"I dunno. It just feels like everyone's out to get me."

"Well, maybe some fish and chips will take your mind off things", Petunia replied.

As Dudley's friends eagerly charged into 4 Privet Drive, the horse-faced Muggle stared into the sky without knowing why.

If Petunia was more introspective, she would have realised that, deep down, she was worried about her nephew. Bitter though their relationship was, Petunia didn't enjoy losing Lily. And she didn't really want Harry to perish before his time.

But Petunia lacked such introspective qualities, so she shrugged before walking inside.

The big bulbous eyes that watched them disappeared immediately afterwards…

…and entered Gemma's room, only to find two Slytherins listening to the Smashing Pumpkins' latest album.

"Permission to speak, sir!"

Bart regarded the elf with a grin.

"Hey Dobby, what's happenin' at Primal Drive?"

"Sir, the four bad Muggles are too scared to leave the house! But three more young Muggles just entered. And the young bad Dull-sley asked them whether they were tormenting him!"

Bart smirked.

Trouble in paradise, 'ey? They must be family or friends. Better give Harry the scoop.

And so he whipped out his parchment.

"Harry, does the Dursley kid have any friends?"

"Hmmm…Dudley hung around with three goons – Dennis, Gordon and Piers Polkiss."

Bart burst out laughing.

"POL-KISS?! MORE LIKE POL-POT!

Anyway, he asked them whether they were giving the family hell."

"Pfft, they wouldn't have the brains."

"I figured. So, um, apparently there's a fourth Durrrrr-sley there. Do the fat dude and his wife know anyone?"

"They usually saw their friends outside, because they didn't want them to meet me. So the other person must be…Aunt Marge."

Bart felt extremely uncomfortable.

"Ummm…was she nice?"

Bart could almost see Harry laughing bitterly on the other end.

"If you call hitting my shins over and over, giving me dog food for Christmas, and letting her dog chase me up a tree, nice. She also insulted me more than the other three did."

Bart seethed. Better keep this from Lisa. But he kept things light.

"Please just tell me she didn't have blue hair."

"Hah, she looks just like my uncle. She even has a bloody moustache!"

"…you sure they're not brothers?"

"Yes! Now what's going on?!"

"Well, I thought we could have some fun at their expense."

"Look Bart, whatever you're planning, leave me out of it!"

"Aw, come on dude. We're not getting into trouble."

"Look, I'm just not comfortable with it, alright?"

Bart sighed. The Dursleys had treated Harry like detritus, and yet he was passing up an opportunity for revenge? Well, that wouldn't stop Bart.

"Alright, Harry. It's your choice", Bart replied, feigning acceptance rather than fighting unnecessarily. After ending their dialogue, he turned to his house elf.

"Hey Dobby?"

"Yes, sir?"

"Can you go to 69 Fossil Way, Mould-on-the-Wold, and grab a copy of Harry's homework?"

"Dobby can."

"Well, get on it, dude. Gemma, can you get an envelope and a piece of paper, and tell Jake to convert some Galleons into British pounds?"

"That I can, provided that I accompany you on your journey."

"That can be arranged."

And soon enough, The Green Machine was burning through the sky.

Oh yeah, the king's back on his throne, Bart arrogantly thought as the car's HUD constantly recalibrated the distance to 4 Privet Drive. That's right, I'm the UberFuhrer.

Gemma pulled Bart out of his self-congratulatory reverie.

"So this forged note will make it look like Potter was paying off the boy's friends?"

"Yeah. That way, he'll think they were setting him up, they'll fight, their school will hear about it, and they'll all be as popular as turds in a trench. If there's one thing that I learnt from Springfield Elementary, it's that cool kids don't buddy up to freaks.

Also, rumours don't have to be true. Remember when half the school thought that Harry was Slytherin's Heir?"

Gemma nodded, before Bart sniggered.

"Heh, Dudley. What a name. Bet he'll be a dud in bed, too."

"Honestly Bart, get your mind out of the gutter", Gemma replied before smacking him upside the head.

"OW!"

"So anyway", Gemma began, "your sister is starting school this year, isn't she?"

Bart nodded grimly.

"Yeah." But she ain't stealing my thunder.

"Hmmm…she's already begun mastering second-year magic wandlessly. Maybe I should get to know her a little better…" Gemma mused, hoping to arouse Bart's jealousy.

Which she did.

"Hey, I'm good enough for you, aren't I?"

"Maybe…provided your marks improve."

"Hey, they will, I promise!"

"We'll see…"

While the two worked through their tension, The Green Machine flew onwards, until Privet Drive was finally in sight.

Bart made a face.

"Ugh, I forgot how boring this neighbourhood is. What sort of bozo would live here?"

"A blind one", Gemma drily noted.

Bart nodded before pressing the 'CONFUNDO' button.

"MISDIRECTION APPLIED."

At that moment, the policemen monitoring 4 Privet Drive felt an inexplicable urge to leave.

"Bloody hell, mate! We've gotta go!"

"Yeah, let's watch the footy!"

"Nah mate, let's drive into a ditch!"

Showing how confused they both were, his partner nodded before the car sped off.

"Just like clockwork", Bart smugly noted as he set down the cloaked car and disabled the enchanted muffler. "Dobby!"

Dobby appeared in the back seat.

"Master Bart called?"

"That's right", Bart replied before handing Dobby a letter. "Put this letter through the door slot, get all seven inside, seal the doors and windows, and get rid of the phones."

"Yes, sir!" Dobby replied, saluting Bart before leaving.

After a moment…

"It is done, sir!"

"Alrighty, then. Go back to 742 Evergreen Terrace and do whatever."

"Yes, master!"

After he left, Bart maniacally grinned.

"It's showtime!"

He slid a tape into the cassette player before turning the volume knob right up.

Meanwhile, Dudley was enjoying a nice lunch with his friends and family, before the serenity was interrupted by a commanding drumbeat and a twisting riff.

Then the lyrics kicked in…

"OH-HO-HO, IT'S MAGIC, YOU KNOW, NEVER BELIEVE IT'S NOT SO…"

An ungodly whirring noise then permeated the kitchen.

"IT'S THE FREAK!" Dudley hollered over the din.

"WHAT IN THE WORLD IS HE DOING?" Vernon bellowed.

Dudley and Vernon ran towards the door, only to find that it wouldn't budge.

"IT'S SEALED IN!" Vernon cried before running towards the phone. "WHERE'S THE PHONE?"

"WHERE ARE THE COPS?!" Dudley shouted.

"WHAT'S SPLATTERING MUD ON THE WINDOW?"

"I'LL TRY THE BACK DOOR!" Petunia shouted, pushing the door without success.

Vernon bellowed in anger before throwing the toaster at the window…only for the toaster to rebound and knock him out.

"VERNON!" Marge and Petunia cried.

Outside, Bart inched forward before admiring his handiwork. In the middle of the Dursleys' newly trashed front lawn was a giant donut, and the windows were splattered with mud.

"There. Now they look like trailer trash", Bart cheekily noted.

"You mean disreputable?"

"Yeah."

Gemma glared at the window. Normally, she would disapprove of Bart's shenanigans, but even she had her limits. If anyone deserved to have their lawn ruined, it was the Dursleys.

"I think we should leave", Gemma noted. "Other people would have seen what's going on."

Bart nodded.

"Yeah, they've probably called the cops or something. Dobby!"

Once again, the elf appeared.

"Master called?"

"Yeah, let 'em out, hide yourself in their house, and meet me at the manor in an hour."

Dobby nodded before disappearing.

Bart then pressed the 'DESTINATION' button.

"Farley Manor."

The HUD responded accordingly, before Bart turned to Gemma.

"Let's roll."

With that, he pressed the 'CONFUNDO' button and reactivated the enchanted muffler before easing the gearstick back.

The Green Machine took flight before merging with the clouds.

An hour later, while Bart was lazing on his four-poster bed…

"Master Bart!"

"Dobby, my man! How did things go?"

"Good, sir! The young Darrell-sley picked up the letter, then he and the other young Muggles fought each other. They damaged the walls and crashed through the front window, sir!

And then some Muggles in black pointy hats took them away in some vehicles, sir!"

Black pointy hats? Bart thought, before the penny dropped.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, THEY GOT ARRESTED!"

Gemma stood at the door.

"What's going on?"

Bart was doubling up with laughter.

"That Dursley kid! He and his goons got themselves arrested!"

Gemma threw her head back and laughed.

"His gene pool must be very shallow!"

"Yeah, shallower than Drain-o's!"

Bart then grabbed some money before turning to Dobby.

"Good job, Dobby. Here, go to Diagon Alley and treat yourself to something nice."

"Thank you, sir!" the elf replied before disappearing.

Gemma smiled.

How very Slytherin of you, Bart – winning people over by any means necessary.

But the headmaster could also win people over. Indeed, he won Professor Sprout over one week later. Initially, she did not want to host Harry because of her residence's unique dangers, until the headmaster noted that Harry would be fine if he followed the Herbology professor's direction.

But the elderly wizard could understand the younger professor's concerns. For her treehouse was situated on a Whomping Willow – which meant that one false step potentially spelled death. Moreover, the ladder itself had hidden tentacles to ensnare any intruders. Only two wand taps from Professor Sprout prevented such.

"No doubt you've protected your home from Muggle intrusions, Pomona?" Dumbledore asked once inside, not wanting her residence to play host to police investigations.

"Of course, Albus!" Pomona cheerfully remarked. "I'm not an irresponsible show-off like that Lockhart was!"

The headmaster smiled.

"Again, I appreciate you taking Harry in while I attend Lucius' bail hearing, Pomona."

The Herbology mistress scowled.

"Hopefully he's kept in Azkaban."

Her superior sighed.

"Unfortunately, justice favours the wealthy in this country. It is a bitter irony that injustice mars justice, but that is the situation we face."

"Well, hopefully the Council of Magical Law makes the right decision."

"A hope that I share, Pomona. Take care, Harry."

"Yes, professor."

The headmaster then tapped his wand on a branch next to the door, opening a trapdoor which he merrily jumped through.

Harry's jaw dropped, as he remembered jumping through a trap door during his first year. After everything he had been through, that felt like so long ago, with the sepia-toned memory strengthening that sense of distance…yet, he knew that it wasn't.

So much for living a normal life, Harry thought as he ruefully shook his head.

Pomona's maternal instincts emerged as she observed her charge.

"Are you alright, Mr. Potter?"

Harry turned towards her, jaw slackened all the while.

"Oh, it's just…"

The woman shook her head and smiled.

"Professor Dumbledore's in no danger. The bottom's cushioned. Now, how's your Herbology essay going?"

A little while later…

"Is this good enough, Professor?"

"Yes, I think that's enough for an Exceeds Expectations. Now, what would you like to do?"

Harry looked around. The kitchen was split into cooking and dining sections. The shelves were dotted with plants placed in various configurations, with two plants placed either side of the two chairs. Indeed, the entire kitchen evoked the natural world, as the sunlight accentuated the light-yellow paint, preventing the room from looking like a bad hangover from the 60s. Moreover, the chairs and tables were made from pine wood, making Harry feel like he was having a picnic in the woods. Overall, the atmosphere befitted Professor Sprout's earthy yet warm nature.

"Can I please see the rest of your house?"

The professor beamed.

"I would love to show you. Come on."

And so she took him into the living room, which was again dotted with plants. At the end of the living room rested a small portable fireplace, with a bookshelf accompanying a sofa and table, which both hosted a leafy garden.

"As you can see, I quite like plants", Professor Sprout joked. "But that's not all…watch."

She strode over to the light yellow wall and tapped it once, revealing…a translucent window which gave them an eagle-eye view of the picturesque Oxford countryside.

"Wow!" Harry exclaimed.

The professor nodded indulgently.

"Magic makes decorating so much easier", she exulted, guiding Harry to an unobtrusive wooden door and uttering an incantation before leading him into her private greenhouse.

"I spend a lot of time learning about these plants", the professor noted as she led him along the yellow brick path, before they came to a Venomous Tentacula.

In his mind's eye, Harry could see several spiky spore-like balls shoot towards Bart. In a race against time, Harry ran towards his Slytherin friend, but surely the balls would reach Bart first?

In desperation, Harry tackled Bart, bringing him to the ground as the balls whizzed over Harry's head.

The boy then had an idea.

"Professor, can I practice my Shield Charm against these plants?"

The professor looked doubtful.

"These plants are dangerous, Mr. Potter…"

"But you have an antidote, don't you?"

The professor relented.

"Come with me."

And so Harry followed Professor Sprout through her ornate bedroom, with shrubbery surrounding a wooden table and a single four-poster bed with light yellow pillows, sheets and mattresses. Hanging above said bed was a chandelier and a window which introduced natural sunlight, as light yellow curtains lined the room.

But Sprout didn't spare her bedroom a single glance, as she tapped on a wall, revealing a surprisingly nondescript room with cushioned white walls.

"This is where I practice my spellcasting", the professor explained as she placed the Venomous Tentacula on the ground. "The walls absorb stray spells, so don't worry about spells rebounding. Now, are you ready?"

Harry nodded and took up a textbook duelling stance, before Professor Sprout stepped back and pointed her wand at the plant.

"ACTUS EMINUSQUE!"

Immediately, the plant assailed Harry with a barrage of balls. Only his remarkable reflexes saved him from being stung, as he flicked his wand left and right, upwards and downwards, even jumping over a couple of spores.

But then two balls flew at his head.

The boy was drenched with adrenaline, his heart almost bursting from his chest as his eyes widened. In an act of inspiration – and perspiration – he drew his body back and parried the two balls over his head before falling, rolling and firing from a different angle.

But he eventually got tired, and pain suddenly ripped through his arm as a ball caught him unawares. He quickly laid on the ground as the professor performed a Finite Incantatem on the plant before running over, magically opening Harry's mouth and applying the antidote.

After a few agonising seconds, the antidote finally kicked in, as a soothing sensation replaced the searing pain.

Harry sat up and took a few deep breaths, before the professor spoke up.

"Are you feeling alright, Mr. Potter?"

Harry nodded.

"You fought incredibly well against that plant. Frankly, I think that Professor Flitwick would have been dazzled by that display."

"That's good", Harry replied, believing that while he might not have Bart's repertoire, he could nonetheless challenge him.

Meanwhile, in the Farley duelling arena, Bart found mastering the Flipper quite challenging. He was now accustomed to pushing his wand back into his palm, but squeezing his wand out of the front hand with his thumb, index and middle fingers seemed impossible, with the Flipper consistently sailing wide of the mannequin before him.

There's something that's missing, Bart thought as he knelt and panted. But what?

The headmaster felt similarly discombobulated when he reflected on Lucius' bail hearing that evening.

Sure, Lucius' bail was prohibitive. Sure, Lucius had relinquished his International Travel Permit. Sure, a trace was applied to his wand. Sure, he was forbidden from contacting Willy. Sure, should Lucius' pay his bail, he'd be confined to Malfoy Manor until his trial. Sure, he had to contact the Ministry once a week to confirm his whereabouts.

Normally, the headmaster wouldn't be so concerned. After all, the person in question had donated generously to various causes over the past decade, and he had never been convicted of a crime. Moreover, there was no evidence that he owned any overseas residences. So he would normally understand why Madam Edgecombe granted bail.

But this was Lucius Malfoy. A suspected Death Eater. A man accused of committing conspiracy to murder. A wealthy man. Moreover, upon seeing Narcissa's smirk after Lucius was granted bail, the headmaster knew that she was planning something.

But what, he did not know. He had to monitor her movements so he could find out.

He'd normally contact an Order of the Phoenix member for assistance, but they were generally hostile to the Malfoys.

However, there was another option. A former Slytherin student who had recently helped him transfer Norbert to Charlie Weasley. Someone who wouldn't make the Malfoys suspicious, but who could keep a secret.

Now he just had to contact him…

Much like Harry contacted Bart via parchment.

"Bart, did you vandalise the Dursleys' lawn?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Firstly, you said that you'd have some fun at their expense. Secondly, Mrs. Figg told Dumbledore that she saw something splatter mud onto the Dursleys' window, but she couldn't see what was doing it. She figured that it was magic."

"What did Dumbledore say?"

"He told me that you probably took your car over and did it. He's seen the inside; he knows the car can cloak itself."

Bart sighed.

"Yeah alright, I did it. But you're not gonna give me the third degree, are you? I mean, Dudley was stupid enough to get arrested afterwards!"

Bart assumed that Harry found that hilarious, but his reply was rather understated.

"I wouldn't have minded seeing that…you know, the Dursleys told me that my parents were drunks who died in a car crash."

Bart should have treated Harry's admission with more gravity. But instead, he laughed.

"What, was Voldemort driving the other car?"

"Maybe. Knowing him, it was probably a MurderMobile or something."

"Yeah, probably. Anyway, the best part about Dudley getting arrested is that he was fighting with his friends! He thinks they set him up! So now they all hate each other!"

"Good. Hopefully he'll now understand how it feels to have no friends."

Gemma and Jake, meanwhile, were unsure how they felt about their basilisk fang.

"What do you wish to do, father?" Gemma asked. "Dumbledore warned us that he would contact Amelia Bones should the fang enter the wrong hands."

Jake thought for a moment.

"Taking it overseas is most likely illegal. I therefore think that we should conceal it, protect it with enchantments and place it in the cellar. Should we evacuate this residence, it will probably remain hidden. Then we can preserve it until its value increases before selling it."

Gemma nodded, impressed by her father's foresight.

"And what about her?"

A dark look came over Jake's face.

"Oh, don't worry – she'll pay."

While Jake and Gemma were talking, Willy was drinking at the Leaky Cauldron. Consumed with guilt over his role in Lucius' conspiracy, he had taken to drowning his sorrows with ample amounts of Firewhisky. Which would have gratified Tom the Innkeeper.

Not that Willy thought about that, as he lurched out the side door to vomit.

Unfortunately, something was waiting in the shadows…and that something knocked him down, with his head slamming onto the concrete.

"AGH!" he cried, the impact stunning him as his assailant ripped both his pockets and grabbed his wand before muttering "Stupefy!"

Willy was out like a light.

Not long afterwards, the headmaster found himself at 742 Evergreen Terrace, dressed in a navy blue suit. He had promised to escort Lisa to Diagon Alley. Merely being Bart's sister, and a prodigy in her own right, would have attracted the headmaster's interest, but underneath her idealistic façade lay a pronounced manipulative streak. One that he saw in himself during his introspective moments.

Normally, he would have asked Bart if he wanted to come along, but Miss Farley would insist on joining him. And she would then sink her claws into Lisa…with unclear consequences. So he didn't bother asking.

After knocking on the door…

"Oh, hello Headmaster Dumbledore!" Marge gushed. "How have you been?"

The headmaster smiled.

"Very well, Mrs. Simpson. Is Lisa ready?"

"Certainly, Headmaster Dumbledore!" Lisa eagerly replied before appearing beside Marge. She was smartly dressed, wearing a light pink dress and shoes instead of her usual orange. Moreover, a pink bowtie adorned her head.

"Very well, Lisa. For the final time, are you sure that you do not wish to attend Ilvermorny?"

Lisa nodded.

"Yes, sir."

"Fair enough. Would you and your husband like to come, Mrs. Simpson?"

Marge looked doubtful.

"I don't know…"

The headmaster would soon figure out why Marge expressed misgivings, as Homer weighed in by drunkenly singing some truly nonsensical lyrics.

Animal house, house, house

Nobody ever liked the class

And I saw Peckerhead and Dumble-ass

Animal house, house, house

Where they did the end like American Graffiti

Where you find out what happened to everyone.

Homer, who was sporting a toga, then shoved his wife out of the way before crashing face first onto the doorstep.

THOMP!

"Ah, I see that you will need to attend to Mr. Simpson", the headmaster evenly remarked, as if Homer's behaviour was nothing out of the ordinary.

Marge uneasily nodded her head and faked a smile before dragging Homer inside.

Lisa's grin was equally insincere.

"I'm sorry about my dad, headmaster."

"Don't worry, Lisa. I also enjoy a good drink from time to time. Anyway, let us depart."

Before Lisa knew it, she found herself in Diagon Alley. As he did with Bart, the headmaster handed Lisa a list of required materials for first-year students. Like Bart, Lisa asked about finances. The headmaster then reassured her like he did Bart.

These parallels were lost on Lisa, but there was one significant difference. For this time around, the headmaster saw a foot outside the Leaky Cauldron.

"Merlin's beard! Is that a person?" an alarmed Dumbledore remarked. "Miss Simpson, please stay close to me."

Lisa complied as the two edged forward. The headmaster then turned the corner, wand drawn only to find…

"Willy Widdershins!" Albus gasped, quickly untying the man before helping him to his feet.

"Ugh…thanks Albie", Willy slurred before laying eyes on Lisa. "Who's…"

"Ah, Willy, this is Lisa Simpson. She'll be commencing her schooling at Hogwarts this year. Lisa, this is Mr. Widdershins, our caretaker."

"Pleased to meet you, Mr. Widdershins", Lisa brightly remarked as she shook his hand.

"And you, Miss Simpson", Willy replied. "Are you Bart's sister?"

Lisa reluctantly nodded.

Willy grinned.

"Are you gonna stitch the teachers up the way 'e does?"

"Willy, Lisa is far better behaved than Bart", Albus interjected.

"Besides, I wish to be my own person", Lisa replied.

"Yeah, freedom's what it's all about", Willy replied, before feeling his pockets. "Shit! Some bloke nicked me wand!"

"Do you know whom, Willy?" Albus asked.

Willy shook his head.

"Nah, mate. Bugger jumped me from behind."

The headmaster nodded.

"Never mind. I will purchase a new one for you."

Willy gave the headmaster a dopey grin.

"Thanks, Albie!"

"Think nothing of it, Willy. Now, please follow Miss Simpson and I."

That he did, following the pair past a broomstick shop before waiting with Lisa while the headmaster withdraw money from Gringotts. While they waited, Lisa saw dwarves, goblins and wizards pass, with some giving her quizzical looks.

Wow! The wizarding world looks really interesting, she thought.

More interesting, however, would be a conversation she'd have after Madam Malkin led her to the back of her store, where a brunette with hazel eyes was getting her robe fitted.

Said girl turned and took in Lisa's blue eyes and spiky blond hair.

This girl looks like Bart…is this his sister?

She'd soon find out, extending a hand after Lisa stood on the stool.

"Hello, my name is Astoria Greengrass. Whom might you be?"

Lisa smiled and took her hand.

"Hi, Astoria. I'm Lisa Simpson", she replied in a telling American accent.

Astoria feigned surprise.

"Bart Simpson's sister?"

Lisa sighed. Back in Springfield, she overshadowed Bart, but here it was seemingly the other way round. Quite frankly, she wasn't exactly thrilled with the change.

"Yes. But I'm not like him, really."

"Don't worry. I'm not like my sister, either."

"So you know what it's like to suffer from an inferiority complex?"

Astoria nodded.

"Oh, thank you for knowing what that means!"

The brunette felt sympathy for Lisa.

She's impressed by that? What's her home life like? "You're welcome. By the way, are you familiar with our house system?"

Lisa nodded.

"Yes. You have Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin. Gryffindor values courage and chivalry, Hufflepuff values loyalty and fair play, Ravenclaw values wisdom and intelligence, and Slytherin values cunning and ambition."

"A very neat summation", Astoria replied with her cultivated British accent. "I will likely become a Slytherin. You seem like a born Ravenclaw."

"Why?"

"Well, you seem incredibly inquisitive, for one thing."

Lisa beamed.

"I'd like to think that I care about learning more than Bart does."

Oh my, somebody's envious. "I see."

"Um, Bart said that he was picked on for being a Muggleborn, Will I be, too?"

Astoria frowned.

"I expect not. That's largely a problem within Slytherin, and from what I understand, your brother antagonised some of his housemates."

Lisa smiled.

"Um, Astoria?"

"Yes?"

"Can we be friends?"

Normally, Lisa wouldn't have been so forward, but a lifetime in Springfield left her starved for friendship. And she thought that maybe, just maybe, she could make a friend overseas.

And she was correct, for Astoria grinned. Partially because Daphne asked her to befriend Lisa, but also because they had much in common. Both were smart, sophisticated girls who envied their elder siblings.

"Yes, we can."

And their friendship was sealed with a handshake.

After Lisa's robes were fitted, she ventured into Eeylops Owl Emporium. In an ideal world, she would have purchased and housed all the owls…but she could only purchase one, so she selected Muskar, a male snowy owl who emitted a distinct musk.

Finally, the trio headed into Ollivanders.

"Hello, Albus. It has been a while."

"True, Garrick, but even a while seems like a second when you're my age. Anyway, I have two customers here for you."

"Ah, Willy Widdershins. A most entertaining customer, you were."

"I doubt that's changed, mate", Willy jovially replied.

"The other customer is Miss Lisa Simpson", Dumbledore noted.

The elderly wandmaker looked Lisa over with fascination.

"Really? Why, I will never forget serving your brother. He's the trickiest customer I've had by a distance, and I remember every wand that I've sold. Hopefully you will not be."

Unfortunately, Ollivander's hopes were dashed, for Lisa proved equally tricky. Some wands didn't fully reflect her dangerous gifts, others disintegrated in her right hand and others just didn't fit right. The only consolation was that she didn't demolish the shop.

Ultimately, Ollivander selected four different wand woods for Lisa: acacia, poplar, vine and walnut, all with phoenix feather cores. Like with Bart, the headmaster probed Lisa's mind with Legilimency…and again couldn't pick the best one. For the acacia reflected her prodigious talents, the poplar reflected her moral certitude, the vine reflected her ambition and purposefulness, and the walnut reflected her intellect.

The headmaster thus fused all four wands together using his Elder Wand before shortening the length to 9 inches, so the wand would fit snugly in Lisa's stubby right hand.

The wandmaker wiped his brow.

"I expect that you need a dogwood wand with a dragon heartstring core, Mr. Widdershins."

And Ollivander would be proven correct – after all, Willy's fun, flamboyant nature remained. The headmaster then paid the wandmaker, after which all three left the store.

Albus then bade Willy farewell before transporting Lisa and Muskar back to Springfield.

Later that night, Astoria lazed on her four-poster bed, enjoying the feel of her white acromantula silk sheets while telling Daphne about her encounter with Lisa.

"She asked you to be friends with her that quickly?" Daphne asked.

Astoria nodded.

"Why?" Being a typical Slytherin, Daphne wanted to know what Lisa's angle was.

"She told me that she had never made friends before."

"And you believe her?"

Astoria thought for a moment…before nodding.

"Yes. She seems honest…maybe too honest for a Slytherin."

Daphne nodded in understanding.

"What does she like doing in her spare time?" the older sister asked, wondering if Lisa was a carbon copy of Bart.

"She enjoys protesting. Recently, she was protesting her country's involvement in Somalia. Must be a Muggle affair."

Daphne sat and thought for a second.

That doesn't sound like something Bart cares about. "What else did you discuss?"

"School subjects. She was particularly taken with Transfiguration."

"Do you think she's as talented as her brother?"

"I don't know, but she seems quite intelligent."

"Does she have any ambitions?"

"I think she wants to stand out."

So, she's not totally different from her brother. "Will you help her?"

"Should we be sorted into different houses, I will secretly meet up with her."

Daphne smiled.

"Spoken like a true Slytherin, Astoria."

One week later, the headmaster indulged his inner Slytherin as he secretly discussed Narcissa's activities with his Ministry contact. Apparently, the Malfoy matriarch had entered Gringotts a couple of times.

This piqued the headmaster's interest.

Why would Narcissa need to enter Gringotts more than once in such a short period of time?

He deduced that she must have been incrementally withdrawing money, so as not to arouse suspicion. However, contacting Amelia Bones was pointless – withdrawing money was not a crime, Narcissa was technically not meant to be monitored, and the goblins would never willingly disclose any information about Narcissa's activities. So he could only wait.

The waiting would last a week, for Amelia Bones frantically called from his Floo fireplace.

"Albus, come quick!"

The professor strode over.

"What is the problem, Amelia?"

"Lucius Malfoy hasn't reported to the Ministry! He's 3 hours late!"

The headmaster sighed. He should have known that Lucius would become an issue. After all, he had been bailed very recently.

"Are you sure that he isn't unwell?"

"We sent an owl to Narcissa to find out, but the owl came back without a response!"

A feeling of dread overcame Albus. He was always inclined to look on the bright side, but right now that side seemed very dark indeed.

"What will you do, Amelia?"

"Send in the Aurors. I have an arrest warrant."

The headmaster sighed. No matter how many times he did it, he was never accustomed to using force. Yet he knew that Amelia's decisions would not be extrajudicial.

"Very well, then. Please keep me informed."

And so, some hours later, an Auror team assembled outside Malfoy Manor. Amelia Bones marched to the wrought-iron gate, which morphed into a face as it surveyed her.

"Greetings. Why are you here?"

"I'm Amelia Bones, the Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. We have a warrant for Lucius' Malfoy's arrest because he has violated the terms of his bail arrangement!" Amelia replied as she displayed said warrant. "Let us in!"

The gate clicked open, after which Amelia cast a Protego Totalum and gave orders.

"OK, everybody huddle behind me and move forward!"

And so the team scuttled forward. When they were within fifteen metres of the walnut door, Amelia ordered them to halt, before using an Alohomora Duo.

BOOM!

The door suddenly exploded into a million pieces, with some shards flying towards the unit. Had Amelia not had her shield up, casualties would have resulted. As it was, however, the pieces harmlessly bounced off the shield.

"Bastard!" Amelia hissed as her ears rang, realising that Lucius had boobytrapped the door with an Erumpent horn. "I knew he'd pull something like that! Move forward, everybody!"

Eventually, the team found themselves in the large and luxurious but dimly-lit hallway, which they scuttled through before Amelia unlocked the door to the drawing room. Luckily, this door wasn't boobytrapped.

She set down her shield charm, before taking a deep breath and barking orders.

"Split into teams of two and clear the manor! Report back, pronto! Go!"

After some minutes, a pink-haired auror and her wiry, grey-haired partner returned.

"Tonks, Dawlish, report!"

Tonks breathlessly replied.

"He's…gone. Malfoy's gone."

Author's Notes for Chapter Two

I had Lucius escape the Ministry's grasp because I didn't want the heroes to have everything their way. This isn't the end, though.

Fanfics don't typically punish Dudley's friends (who don't deserve to get off scot-free).

I don't remember Professor Sprout's residence ever being explored in fanfics. I made it reflect her plant-loving nature.

Actus Eminusque = Fanon, a rangefinding spell which compels a Venomous Tentacula to attack anything within around 25 metres. Derived from Latin + Roman measurements.

Astoria is more cheerful than Daphne in fanon, so I've gone with that. You can see the contrast between Bart and Lisa - Lisa is more inquisitive and diplomatic than Bart, but also more envious and insecure.

It often takes UK cops several hours - if not more - to respond to priority calls, and Lucius would be a priority IMO.

In the UK, riot police apparently huddle behind a shield.

Dumbledore's Slytherin contact is actually the Player Character from Hogwarts Mystery, first referenced in Chapter 6 of the first book.

Townies = 90s UK slang

Songs: Magic by Pilot

Simpsons episode references

'Margical History Tour': Homer signing about Animal House

'Beyond Blunderdome': Dog with shifty eyes

Monster King/James Songbird: Thanks.

bauers374: The wand holster's basically Ascended Fanon/I won't dwell much on pureblood politics - it slows the story down

Sgt: Gracias/Bueno, Marge y Homer no van a Diagon Alley esta vez tambien. No se Graggle Simpson LOL.

Merinus: Yes, Bart's a manipulative kid with some good traits (or a good kid with a manipulative streak).