Chapter Twelve
Kagome paused with one foot inside. She'd dreaded coming back here, knowing she was going to have to face Inuyasha. Staring at the familiar setting, why did she feel guilt?
Kouga came to mind.
It had nothing to do with the fact that she'd broken Inuyasha's heart and completely to do with the fact that while she'd been tip toeing around Inuyasha, she'd been tip toeing into Kouga.
She'd told herself this was going to be easy. Friendship was a valuable thing and she valued it with Inuyasha.
There were dishes on the table and she caught a glimpse of red clothes on the floor. A small smile tugged at her lips. Inuyasha never had been a very neat person. He tried when she wasn't around, but he never managed completely.
She couldn't even begin to imagine Kouga here. The four walls and ceiling would be like a cage to him. She'd seen the change in him when she met him, but living restrained lifestyle...that wasn't Kouga. Neither men understood her need for orderliness and she doubted Kouga was any better. He was a Wolf Demon. He WAS Chaos. If anything, the Feudal Era had made her OCD worse.
She leaned down and picked up the haphazardly strewn fire rat clothing and neatly folded them before placing them on a nearby chair.
When she looked up, Inuyasha was there. She took a deep breath.
"I'm sorry, you know that, right?" Inuyasha said.
She closed her mouth. She hadn't expected that. He was apologizing. Inuyasha didn't apologize. Like he had done on so many occasions in the past, he wasn't pushing her. He looked set in the realization of the truth. He almost looked lost.
God, she hated that she was the one doing this to him. He was accepting of it. Almost...She knew exactly how he felt, because she had witnessed and felt the same thing every time she'd seen him with Kikyou.
Karma was a bitch. There was no cruel, needless happiness in the thought. It was just there and if Karma was in fact a real person and not just a round about of things, she would have told them to go to hell. They all deserved to be happy in their own ways, not for Karma to come around and laugh.
She nodded. "I know."
They were at a stand off with something broken between them. A new path was forming, leading them both in different directions. Kagome only wished she knew what she was doing.
"I just...will you at least give me a chance to prove myself to you?"
And there he went. She looked away. She thought of the night before and how Kouga had said the same words. She was in the past again with two demons vying for her affections. The difficult part was knowing she had to move on, but she had so much invested in Inuyasha. Maybe she was scared of starting over. Maybe she was scared that as Kikyou's reincarnation, she was destined to be with Inuyasha but she was just too foolish to see that.
God, so many what ifs.
She was a horrible person. Horrible. If she had any good in her heart, she wouldn't have made a trying promise to Kouga. If she was true to herself, she wouldn't be doubting herself. If there was any loyalty in her, she wouldn't have...if only she was half the woman her mother had been.
God, what kind of person was she?
"Prove what, Inuyasha?" Kagome asked softly. "We're going around in circles."
He gave a soft, sad smile. "We are, aren't we?"
This was the Inuyasha she had come to know over the years. He'd grown up. Hardships had changed him. He wasn't jumping to his ridiculous conclusions and demanding answers or worse, demanding she do what HE wanted.
"You still have a place here, Kagome. I'm not going to run you out." Inuyasha said, looking around with bright eyes.
"I'll take the couch, Inuyasha. Don't worry about it." She wasn't going to stay here for long, she already knew that. She wanted a fresh start, some place that didn't constantly remind her of Inuyasha.
The look in his eyes mirrored a certain Wolf Demons.
Kagome cringed on the inside.
"Kagome...I know the mutts been hanging around lately. And..." Inuyasha said, shaking his head.
Kagome bit her lip. "He has a home here, Inuyasha. Maybe not what we call a home, but..."
Inuyasha nodded, but Kagome could see that he wasn't as accepting of the notion as her. She had to mentally guard herself, to will her heart to remain calm. Inuyasha's nose was good at detecting the change in her scent if she was nervous.
Inuyasha ran a hand through his long hair. "...it's just...he thinks..." Inuyasha trailed off, not knowing how to phrase his words. He knew what the damn wolf wanted. That apparently hadn't changed. He looked up, his eyes moving over her face. She was blushing and he detected the slight change in her scent.
He sighed and ran clawed fingers through his hair again. "Kouga?"
Kagome bit her bottom lip. "What about him?"
"If I'm going to lose you, it won't be to him."
Her bottom lip stung and she released. She detected no animosity in his tone, but she didn't like the way he phrased his words. As if he...knew something. Knowing just one thing was too much, especially when Kouga was the one who was slowly making a place for himself in her life.
"It's not him, Inuyasha. You know that."
Inuyasha lifted his hand and tugged a stray hair behind her ear. "I know." Inuyasha admitted reluctantly. "The damn wolf never did know what was good for him, though."
"Inuyasha..." Kagome murmured. "There's nothing between Kouga and I."
Inuyasha gave a soft, sad smile. "I never said there was. But your scent always changes when you lie."
She hated it when he did that, even if he couldn't help it. Sometimes he just let her think she could get away with lying. But she knew better. His nose told all. She didn't want to tell Inuyasha, not when she didn't yet know herself. She was falling for Kouga.
"But you are here with me." Inuyasha said and before she could protest the hope she heard in his voice, he gave a teasing, fanged grin. "I might have made you sleep in uncomfortable places in my younger years, but I'm not about to start that habit again. The bed is yours." Inuyasha closed the distance between them and enveloped her in a gentle hug.
Kagome embraced the familiarity. However things ended, she could see their friendship remaining. They were strong enough for that.
She embraced the hug and her skin crawled from the contact. Goosebumps rose from where he touched bare skin and a sickening sense of dismay filled her. She lurched back, fighting the sudden nausea and the way her skin crawled at the thought of him touching her. She wrapped her arms around her body, rubbing her forearms from where he'd made contact.
Inuyasha noticed the reaction instantly and frowned. He couldn't sense her, but he didn't need to. The expression was clear on her face. "What's wrong?" He reached out and touched her again.
All he did was touch her, but the contact hurt. It wasn't a physical pain, it was an aching sensation. She pulled back and shook her head. "Nothing. I just..." She didn't want him touching her. Her skin crawled and almost burned from where he'd touched her.
He looked genuinely worried. Even with how things were, he was worried for her. "You look pale."
She felt pale. She would be alright—as long as he didn't touch her again. She shook her head when he reached for her again and his hand halted. "No—no, I'm alright. Just tired is all." Her mouth felt dry. She'd felt like this around Miroku. He'd touched her and she'd recoiled as if burned. The only person whose touch she had been able to bare was Kouga when he'd placed his hand on her back when she'd vomited.
She shook her head when Inuyasha offered to go collect Sango. What she wanted to do was sleep. She'd been through enough in one day and Sango was the last person she was going to bother with her problems. She'd bothered Sango enough. The slayer deserved the alone time with her family.
Closing the door connecting the main room and the bedroom, Kagome made herself a pallet on the floor. The bed looked the least inviting. She stared at the opposite wall for only God knew how long before sinking back against the door and sinking to her knees.
As tired as she felt, sleep wasn't what she had on her mind. It wasn't long before she heard Inuyasha's light snore from the other room.
She slapped her hand against her throat when something bit her. A small moan reached her ears and she withdrew her hand. A small, familiar flea groaned from the center of her palm. "Myoga—I should have known." Kagome said softly, staring at the small speck.
"Why must you always be so cruel? I was just passing through and thought I would say hello to a few dear friends."
She arched an eyebrow and lifted her palm eye level. "And a late night dinner?" She was surprised that he was actually alone. They rarely caught him without a much larger Demon to hide behind. Obviously, he was on his way to said larger demon.
He hopped up and down in the palm of her hand before jumping to the floor where she nearly lost sight of him before he was on the window sill. "Tell Lord Inuyasha I said hello. I have missed dining on his blood greatly. Perhaps next time!" She caught sight of him squeezing through the small space before he turned his tiny head her way one last time. "And congratulations, Kagome!"
She blinked. "On what?"
"The baby, of course." Myoga called out before his small body vanished, leaving her alone.
Kagome stared at the empty place where he had been, trying to make sense of what he'd said when it suddenly hit her. The nausea she'd been fighting earlier came back full force with the realization and Kagome ran to the window and threw it open.
This time she couldn't stop it.
"Did you?" She forced herself to ask.
Kouga knew what she was asking, even if she didn't say it. Had he come in her? He shrugged.
Their earlier conversation came to mind and Kagome squeezed the window sill beneath her fingers so hard her knuckles were white. No—no. Saliva gathered in her mouth and Kagome had to steady herself.
Her hands shook.
She coughed, the unbelievable realization sickening her. Inuyasha was in the next room. She couldn't get sick here—not again.
She suddenly covered her mouth with her hand, swallowing the bile rising up with a sour expression and climbed outside.
She ran, ran as far as she dared before she dropped to all fours and retched. She couldn't stop until she was dry heaving, her heart pounding in her ears.
"Oh God." Kagome whispered sickeningly.
Her stomach tightened as tendrils of damp hair fell around her face. Myoga's words resounded in her brain over and over and she shuddered before finally drawing herself up into a sitting position. Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, she cursed herself. And then Inuyasha and Kouga. Then herself again.
She didn't move. She wasn't so sure she had the strength, so instead she closed her eyes and fell back against the tree trunk behind her and drew her knees up. Her eyes watered as she tilted her head back and stared at the canopy of green over her head.
Horror filled her. What was she going to do? She wasn't ready for this. She was still trying to figure out where she fit in with Inuyasha and Kouga. And now?
Even years later, Kouga still managed to disrupt her life. But it wasn't his fault. She hunched over as another wave of nausea hit her. She wouldn't have believed it if Myoga hadn't said it. He'd tasted it through her blood. Oh God...it was so early on, but Myoga had tasted the life none the less.
Something was growing inside of her. Something so precious, something so innocent. She brought her hands up and covered her face. Life was growing inside her womb and it wasn't Inuyasha's.
"Damn you." She whispered, though she wasn't sure if she was damning herself or Kouga.