Not exactly a genius move, placing a raptor paddock right next to a place where the visitors stay. Would have been a shorter story if they hadn't. I guess a lot of stories about this place would be shorter if they'd done things differently...like, for example, paying more attention to human resources.

At any rate, easy-peasy to locate the paddock. I recognized it by the scent, the shredded hammock things they used to lower cows into the enclosure (the other raptors never gave me a bite), obviously the signs reading `Raptor Paddock'...and now, since we had the electricity back on, the voice of James Earl Jones telling me scientific facts about...myself.

The palm trees, the leafy foliage, it added atmosphere, but made it easy for my predatory kin to set up an ambush. I glanced nervously at the fenced-in pit they kept the other raptors in, sniffing for the inevitable lurking `scout.'

There! Up ahead, behind a fern bush, I sighted Speckle Flanks.

I know, not a great name, but it's her most distinctive feature, and Velociraptors don't speak English. You say her real, proper name with one growl, a puff out your nostril, a gurgle and a slight whimper. Her sister, Splotchy Chest, has a similar name, but with a purr instead of a gurgle and the whimper, slightly louder, has a questioning sound at the end. All of them have noisy non-English names like that.

None of them like me, so mine ranges from poop sounds to a shuddering sound worthy of Lurch from The Addams Family.

Speckleflanks sighted me. "Eeeew." Okay, it's more like "Eeeeugh," but it sounds really similar, and it's got the same meaning.

Yes, also my name. Flashing a pleasant, gap-toothed smile, I growled, puffed my nostril, gurgled and whimpered.

Shaking her head in disgust, the female scampered away with a shout of "Eeeew!"

The rest of the pack feasted halfway between the paddock and a concrete maintenance building: Splotchy Chest, Streak Tail, Mickey (she's got a Mickey Mouse shaped birthmark between her eyes), Zorro Mask, Horse Forehead and Rattlesnake.

I gasped. If the violently discarded rifle and gnarled manly hand hadn't been a clear enough indicator, the blood splattered slouch hat made it quite obvious. The pack had made a meal out of Cassie's father.

I put a claw over my breast, bowing my head as I tried to come up with scripture to go with the man's eulogy. The first thing that popped into my head: "With the payment he received for his wickedness, Judas bought a field. There he fell headlong, his body burst open, and all his intestines spilled out." I put the speech on the back burner.

Approaching the feeding raptors, I made growling sounds to the effect of "C'mon, guys, stop eating him. Go eat something else."

In response, I got a bunch of noise that meant "Make us" and "You can't have any, weirdo."

Infuriated, I shrieked at them, ordering them to stop. When they refused, I fired the rifle into the air a few times.

Real bullets. Not darts, hence the pop-pop noise we heard earlier. The other raptors backed away in horror.

The one with the rattlesnake patterning made a "You get rid of her" noise to Splotchy Chest.

Splotchy made a "Do I have to" sound. Rattlesnake grunted yes.

The next thing I knew, I'm being tackled, our bodies tumbling down a staircase. The gun went flying, of course. Out of reach.

We hit the bottom stair, rolled across pavement, growling and flopping like a dog with an inner ear disorder, or a very unusual log. The pavement terminated at the slope of a well manicured hillside.

We wrestled, clawing and biting at each other as we rolled and tumbled. She shrieked, snapping at me.

I rolled Splotchy Chest on her back. She growled and hissed in protest.

All of a sudden, I discovered my body possessed certain...male features. It seemed Grant had been at least partially correct about the African frogs.

It seemed the female also noticed this, for she discovered herself to be very female. "Squee!"

Well! What was I to say to that? "Why yes, I find you attractive too, but I'm still not happy about you killing my friend's dad."

"Awrourar," the female answered.

After sniffing a few times, I discovered she told the truth: The other raptors had used her as bait to trick Muldoon into their evil trap. "That still doesn't excuse you eating him!"

The noise I got in reply could have meant "Sorry" or "I was hungry," or both. She made an indignant "What was I supposed to do?" sound.

I nuzzled her, making a disappointed "You can do better" noise, followed by an "I'll help you," grunt.

Splotchy Chest licked my Proceratosaurus wounds.

"Yeah, met some nasty dinosaurs. I think they're just surface cuts. I bled a little, but—"

She tenderly gnawed my mouth with her mouth, kind of like what dogs do instead of kissing.

"I'm sorry, I have to go," I told her in English. "My friends need me."

"Squee?" Splotchy Chest asked.

"Talk to you later," I told the female in raptor noises.

She responded with an "I love you" noise.

I rushed around to the front entrance. Since I'm not a person, a little awkward for me to open the big double doors.

Unlike that tunnel we came through, these ones opened outward. I had to grab the handle with my teeth and push with my feet, sorta wiggling my tail and butt through the crack.

A massive T-Rex skeleton greeted me when I entered the building. To a dinosaur, it's kind of like displaying the skeleton of Goliath from the Bible. I mean, you could, but where's the skin and clothing? I shivered.

Above the skeleton hung a banner, reading `When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth.' I guess the intention had been to evoke Ray Harryhausen-esque visions of T-Rex chowing down on a Triceratops in volcanic lands, but my mind conjured a different image:

Me, sitting on a throne, kinda like A Pharaoh, King David, or a Japanese Emperor.

...Or maybe me, dressed up likea famous crown wearing musician, with a huge mansion, olympic sized pool (with floaties so I can swim), and ten sports cars. I mean, wow!

Grant nearly jumped through the banner when he met me at the foot of a double staircase. "...Albert?"

I slowly shook my head. "Mr. Muldoon didn't make it. I saw the hat."

Grant swallowed. "I was afraid that's what happened."

"Where's the kids?"

"In the cafeteria eating. I'm looking for my friends, and a doctor. Apparently they're not upstairs."

I scratched my head. "Want me to help?"

He paused and thought a moment. "You should probably watch the children."

I saluted him, making him smirk a little. He marched on down a hallway.

The children had found a buffet. Although the chefs abandoned the area, the cold and steam tables continued to run, so the three abandoned serving etiquette, sticking her grubby hands into everything and stuffing their faces without utensils like folk from some impoverished third world nation. Lex, of course, stuck to greens, nuts and mushrooms. I guess she didn't know they made Jell-O from pulverized bones.

Cassie approached me with a greasy chicken drumstick clutched in one fist, a glazed roll in the other. "Did you find my dad?"

I nodded slowly. "I'm sorry, Cassie. It looks like we're both orphans now."

"You mean Mom was there too?" she dropped her food on the carpet and wailed.

"No no!" I blurted. "Just your dad! Just your dad! Sorry, I didn't know what orphan meant!"

"Daddy!" the girl sobbed. "Nooo!"

Cassie ran away crying.

Actually, ran to the buffet, stuffed a glazed roll into her pocket, then ran away crying.

I rushed after her, but then noticed a tower of gelatin trembling...a little too much. About the same time, The Glenn Miller Orchestra came on the PA system with `It Must Be Jelly `Cuz Jam Don't Shake Like That.'

Lex and Tim jumped at shadows moving across a mural nearby. I only had to sniff to know the source of the disturbance: The other raptors had somehow followed me in.

Rattlesnake marched across the tile floor, looking very smart in her bloody slouch hat. By her side, Horse Forehead and Zorro Mask visually swept the area, followed by Streak Tail, Speckleflanks and Mickey. I didn't see (ulp) Splotchy Chest with them.

"Cassie!" I called. "If you're hiding...Stay there!"

Clump! Went a door behind me, the latching sound a little too noisy for comfort.

The other raptors perked in excitement of the hunt, rushing toward the buffet.

"Ladies..." I gestured to the spread. "Have a plate."

The uncivilized females ignored the fried chicken and roast beef, grunting about live prey.

I stepped back in Fighting Horse Position, raising my claws. "Take a booth, or I take you out."

Zorro Mask tried to rush past, so I jumped and kicked her in the face.

Horse Forehead snuck past while I did this. I grabbed a carving knife from the roast, flinging it in her direction. It thunked through a vent cover below the salad bar.

Zorro Mask bit me. I threw mashed potatoes into her eyes, and when she snapped her mouth at me again, I stuffed it with fried chicken. "Open thy mouth and I shall fill it," I quoted.

Zorro Mask shook off the potatoes, smacking her lips. She got up on the buffet, pigging out on seasoned bird parts.

"See? It's not so—"

A body with a red streaked tail thundered me into a soda fountain machine, showering us both with ice chips.

I shook off the frosty bits. "It's good that we're not cold blooded. Anyway..." I opened a cabinet door, and upon sighting a huge container of ice, dumped its contents all over my scaly companion.

I yanked on a random hose, and carbonated water came spraying out, with a gush of sticky corn syrup. I let Streaktail have it, full blast. "Drinks are on you!"

Streaktail growled through an English Bulldog's underbite, breath coming out in a fog.

"And what a lovely smile you have!"

Horse Forehead and Rattlesnake darted toward the kitchen door. I tried to head them off, but Speckleflanks knocked me into the chocolate fountain display. Warm fudge dribbled all over my head. Pies and cakes on little plates crashed to the floor under a rain of chocolate and candy sprinkles.

I poked my foe in the eye with an ice cream scoop, leaping after Rattlesnake and her friend with the equine star stripe marking.

I threw the scoop at Horse Forehead. It hit the target, but bounced off, not deterring her in the slightest.

I picked up a heavier object, a chunk of marble shaped to resemble a dinosaur egg.

That one hit her square in the back...and boy was she mad!

When she rushed me, I shoved a serving tray into her claws. "Here! Hold this."

To my surprise, she actually grabbed the tray. I presented her with a kick to the face. She collided with a buffet table, receiving a shower of scalding fondue.

Speckleflanks came charging at me, but I toppled a recycle barrel and opened the lid. She plowed headfirst into Tin Can Land with an amazing amount of noise.

I jumped on her silver streaked back and hopped toward the kitchen, but Mickey, Horse Forehead and Streaktail awaited me, tackling me to the floor like a quarterback in a fumble pile.

"Leave him alone!"a voice shouted.

I stared in astonishment as a small hand swung a thick dinosaur bone, cracking Mickey across the forehead.

A child, swinging a femur, possibly from that raptor skeleton I dismantled in the upper hallway when I did my Scooby Doo routine.

"Cassie?"

The second time the bone came down, I noticed another shocker: She rode on my girlfriend's back!

Splotchy Chest's body crashed into Horse Forehead's. The bone club struck again.

The moment I got up from the floor, Splotchy Chest made the "I love you" sound.

I responded with a "You are the only female I will ever love," noise.

She rubbed her head against Cassie. "She smells like you."

I jump-kicked Streaktail in the temple, then, since she hadn't eaten, gave Splotchy Chest some pot roast.

"Albert!" Cassie cried, pointing to the kitchen.

Rattlesnake now stared through a window on the kitchen door, warm blooded breath steaming up the glass.

Noticing the hat, the girl sobbed, "Daddy..."

"I know, Cassie. I'm sorry...You know, I'm surprised that hat fits on her head."

Her fist clenched tightly around the bone. "Put her in a bodybag."