You know that part in The Lord of the Rings where they melt the ring and go home? Stuff happens, but it's not quite as exciting as the rest of the story because the Dark Lord is defeated and the war is over? Hopefully this won't end up quite so much of a muddled mess as that was.

Okay, so as you probably have guessed, no idea where to find Hammond's summer home. I doubted I could find it on any map of the park. Well, any publicly viewable map.

I felt fairly certain it wouldn't be anywhere near the Visitor Center. That place, by and large, used card keys. Even the hotel portion, if memory served me correctly, used card keys instead of the regular ones on the keychain, and even if some of those keys worked in the building, didn't want to hang out in there until after Rexy moved on.

Unfortunately...

Zelda glanced back at the Visitor Center and made whimpering sounds.

"I know, sweetie. But I mean, what can we do? Rexy is huge, and they wanted to hang around and fight her. What sense does that make? Also, they want to kill us, so there's that..."

She nuzzled me, nodding toward the entrance.

"Can't we go down to the lagoon instead? You don't know how long I've stared out through my window and wished I could go down there."

Zelda chirped.

I had hoped for a relaxing evening by the shore, but the other raptors were basically family, and Zelda still cared for them. "Okay, okay. I guess we can sneak up and take a peek."

We crept up through the plants beside the front steps, ever so slightly poking our noses around the corner of the demolished entrance to see what transpired inside.

Rexy had gotten back up, of course.

Clouseau, Felicity, Moriarty and Mickey remained alive. Rexy had been wounded, mostly on or below the belt. Superficial injuries, which meant the other raptors would soon be snacks.

Only Felicity kept her distance. Although probably the wisest of the bunch, she lacked the sense to make herself completely scarce.

Something had to be done. Yet, I didn't want to just jump in there and volunteer to be a snack.

Zelda churred at me, indicating how she would volunteer, but I shook my head no, holding up a claw. "Wait a second!"

Opportunity at last presented itself as Mickey and Clouseau once again leapt on the T-Rex, and Willie, angered at the loss of her friends, nipped at the giant's flank.

And the additional distraction of...

"Yaaaaah!" there came Cynthia again, still clutching the catch pole, this time coated in flour and something smelly and greenish brown.

Carefully setting the keys in a corner between the stairs and the building, I rushed around the corner of the broken door frame, keeping toward the wall until I reached the limit of Rexy's bite range.

I surveyed the area for anything that could possibly provide assistance.

By now I figured Rexy understood the dangers of bowling balls and pipes, so that was out, and several other objects looked too small to do any significant damage.

That's when I noticed the giant skull.

Well why not? As quick as I could, I picked up the heavy T-Rex cranium, wearing it like a helmet. I hefted a couple lighter bones for dramatic emphasis.

I knew I had something when Mickey jumped back in fright, and Zelda retreated from the door frame.

I snuck up to Rexy, waving the bones like a Voodoo witchdoctor from a cartoon. "Booga booga booga!"

Rexy's pupils shrank to pinpoints.

With a horrified shriek, she retreated from me, damn near crushing the other raptors to death in the process.

Rexy's massive head collided with what remained of the front entrance, bringing down more glass and metal as she thundered out of the building.

I set the skull and bones on the floor.

You'd think that Moriarty and the others would have been grateful about me saving their lives, but, wanting their fifty thousand plus pounds of flesh, they only growled and chirred angrily.

"We had her where we wanted her!" Mickey exclaimed.

Although Clouseau probably still had feelings for me, I think she wanted to stand with Moriarty, and also wanted revenge for the raptors Rexy had eaten. "You side with humans and Big Sharptooth!"

"You wouldn't have had a chance!" I tried to argue, but Moriarty just snarled at me. "Leave before I kill you!"

I glanced at Zelda, still lurking around the demolished doorway, giving her a shrug that said, `See? What did I tell you?'

She chirred and nodded for me to depart.

I hurried out to her. "Can we please go visit the lagoon now? After all we've been through, I think we both deserve a little R and R."

"Okay."

I stared. "Zelda, you just spoke English!"

She responded with pleasant growling and a smile.

We took a leisurely stroll down the shores of that little body of water, enjoying the sights, the pterodactyls in the sunny sky, the Brontosaurus herd...

Due to the earlier monsoon, we navigated around patches of wet mud and zoysia grass so saturated with water that they resembled rice paddies. Along the way, I found a dock where they had some boats tied up.

Zelda followed me up the wooden planks, but balked when I climbed into a paddleboat. I beckoned to her, but she shook her head.

I made `Stay there' and `Watch this' noises.

The paddleboat had a big dumb looking fiberglass dinosaur head sticking out the front, and had been designed for two passengers, hint, hint. Still, I thought it looked fun, so I donned a life preserver and moved the pedals.

Zelda kept gawking at me, like she expected me to die at any moment. I suppose Wilbur Wright's girlfriend had the same expression on her face when he took off in that flying machine for the first time. (Did you know he never had kids? Weird!)

"Hey!" I waved to her from the middle of the lagoon. "This is fun! You should try it!"

Zelda again shook her head, making a noise that meant `I'd rather stick my head in Sharptooth's mouth.'

Seeing me perfectly unharmed, she lost interest, wandering off.

A little hard to steer the thing, but I managed to get it back to the dock and tie it up. We continued our stroll.

We discovered a mutilated Brontosaurus. Rexy's work, no doubt.

Zelda stopped to dine on the carcass. I nibbled some myself, just to be polite and `Do the date thing,' but I really preferred my food cooked and properly seasoned, without vultures, flies and pterodactyls as dinner companions.

It bothered me a little to eat bloody meat that has been lying out for an indeterminate amount of time, but I figured we had hardy stomachs.

"Should've stayed in bed this morning. The tropical storm would have still blown over, and I wouldn't have rug burns, flour and dinosaur diarrhea all over me."

I and Zelda stopped eating, staring at the plump, underwear clad figure in the lagoon.

Cynthia bent over the water, wringing out her dirty jeans, her shirt drifting along the surface.

The Proceratosaurus padded around in the shallows nearby, with the catch rod still around its neck. It lay down, lapping from the lagoon.

When Cynthia noticed me, she covered her chest and screamed, swearing a few times for good measure.

I gave her a friendly wave.

That made her swear more. "Of course it would be you!"

"I see you've got a pet!"

"Can you also see I'm in my underwear? Could you eat somewhere else or turn around? I don't want you looking at my boobies."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm not really interested in people genitalia, but okay..." I turned my back to her, gave Zelda a `Don't look, she's pooping' noise, but that only made her want to look more.

"Your friend too, please."

I gave Zelda a scolding `No,' whiffling sound.

Zelda shrugged, chirping, "I don't get it. She is not pooping." She gave Cynthia privacy anyway.

I pointed to a rifle and a hunting knife on the ground nearby. "Where'd you get those?"

"Found them while Buttface was dragging me around. Isn't that right, Buttface?"

The Proceratosaurus panted, as if in agreement.

I chortled. "I see you named her."

"Yep!"

"So...how'd you make friends?"

"Got the girl worn out, I guess. She laid down in the cafeteria, played tug of war with my purse so I couldn't get my cigarettes. When I baited her away with a piece of fried chicken, she begged for another and rolled over for a belly rub. I know they got all that dinosaur DNA from fossilized mosquitoes, but I think they got sloppy when filling the gaps in the genetic sequence for this one. Probably just drew blood from a Chihuahua or something."

I suppose the domestication of animals has always started with abuse and codependency. "Ummm...why are you still here?"

"Other than the fact I'm covered in dinosaur shit and the helicopter left without me? Okay, how about this? I'm an intern, I'm up to my eyeballs in student loan debt, plus I'm behind on my car note and I get to stay here rent free! My last apartment was seven hundred dollars a month. Mostly I like my apartment here, and nobody's going to evict me with all these dinosaurs in the way. I mean, c'mon, it's a friggin' theme park!"

"Yeah, but, like, what if you get eaten, or...run out of food?"

"Man, Ebert! Why did you have to say that?"

"Hey, I like the story of Robinson Crusoe too, but you gotta wonder how he swam out to that boat naked and still put things in his pockets."

"What?"

"Ummm...sorry, sometimes my mind wanders. I suppose you can use a radio or something and order shipments from the mainland or something, either that, or learn to live off the land and whatever washed up on the shore...though I think the latter will be a bunch of trash, discarded soda bottles and rubber ducks."

"Gee, Ebert! If you want me off the island, you can just say it!"

"Cynthia, I welcome the company, I'm just saying..." I turned to face her again. "You know where I can find Hammond's summer home? He gave me the keys."

Cynthia had been covering her boobies, but now she let her hands drop...along with her jaw. "He has a summer home?"

I explained what happened.

"Gosh, that jerk never gave me anything!...Ebert, you got a little..." She pointed to her cheek.

When I reached up toward mine, Zelda licked the spot clean. "Yeah, she's definitely a keeper."

With her belly now full, Zelda lay back on the grass and sunned herself, her flapping tail meant "Come join me."

I did, staring up at the fluffy clouds for awhile.

Cynthia got up from the water, slinging her wet clothing over her shoulder.

"Going so soon?"

She grabbed the rifle. "I'm not going to sit here all day and pose for you."

"Where you going?"

"To my apartment to clean up. Maybe look around for a map."

"Hey, it's dangerous. Let me come with."

I borrowed her hunting knife to cut a Brontosaurus steak for later, then escorted her to the building.

"I believe what you said about the soda bottles and trash, but rubber ducks?"

"You never heard of the Duck Armada? Roughly thirty thousand bath toys on the way to Tacoma Washington spilled out of a cargo ship..."

Something made an abrasive scratching noise. I looked back.

Although Buttface had lagged behind to chow down on Brontosaurus carcass, she now trailed behind us, dragging the catch pole.

Cynthia frowned when I turned my head her way, to look for danger. "I told you not to look."

"I'm looking forward, okay? Peripheral vision issue. Besides, I like my females green, with a little more meat on their bones."

She shuddered visibly. "Please never use that phrase again."

"Oh yeah. Because I'm a bloodthirsty predator with sharp teeth. Sorry. Won't happen again...Speaking of looking, why don't put your clothes back on?"

"Because they smell like shit and have poop stains on them. I need like a washing machine and detergent and bleach to get it out. I got more clothes in my apartment, I just didn't want to get them with that big assed T-Rex and your raptor buddies hanging out in the building." She scowled at the chunk of meat in my claws. "We got stuff in the kitchen, you know."

"Yeah? Well if we run out, what are we going to do? Swim to the grocery store? Besides, don't you want to try a Brontosaurus burger?"

Cynthia wrinkled her nose. "Sounds great, but I don't know how long that thing has been rotting in the sun, or how many deadly microbes I'd be ingesting. It's bad enough that we eat genetically modified produce...humans, I mean."

When Zelda clomped up beside her, she flinched. "Is your girlfriend safe? She's not going to get hungry and eat me, is she?"

I churred, `Food?' to Zelda, nodding toward the woman.

Zelda raised her eyebrow ridges, making a noise that meant, `Is this a joke?'

"I'm pretty sure you're safe. She did help Cassie and those other children."

We didn't see any sign of the other raptors or Rexy.

I followed her through a hallway and down a long staircase to another hotel-like area. Vending machines, ice machines, potted jungle plants. Little den with a TV, comfy chairs and couches and a miniature coffee shop. I paused beside an immense framed map of the park, studying it carefully.

"It's not on there. I've stared at it enough to know."

She marched down a hallway of doors, stopping in front of one as she dug in the sodden pants she carried with her.

I watched with excitement as she opened the door. "Wow, an actual human dwelling! I've never been in one of these before!"

"And it's all mine," Cynthia groaned.

Buttface trailed us in.

Pretty cozy setup. She had a fireplace with a mantelpiece and bookshelves, a kitchenette with a shiny chrome refrigerator, leather furniture, a little cafe table with chairs. A few accents had been provided by The Park, like a throw rug with the Jurassic Park logo, a clock with the logo on it, a miniature dinosaur skeleton wall hanging, and framed renderings of dinosaurs (made by artists who'd never seen a real dinosaur). Cynthia had decorated a bit too. A dart board, painted wooden images of Sylvester, Tweety and Disney's Pluto had been nailed to the walls. Oh, and Bon Jovi, and a big picture of Michael Jordan dunking with his tongue hanging out.

Other decorations: One of those paw waving Neko statues, giraffe and elephant sculptures made from some sort of leather, a fish tank and an imitation pagoda lantern. Her TV kept flashing this message: SATELLITE DISH OUT OF ALIGNMENT.

Cynthia threw on a bathrobe. "I asked for a place with windows, but only the hotel section has those. They told me I can either take a room down here or play musical hotel room roulette. I guess considering last night's storm, it's really for the best."

"I thought you were in debt."

"It looks more expensive than it is. Some of them are gifts."

I marched up to the fridge with my Brontosaurus steak.

"Unh-uh! No way! You keep that dirty shit out of my fridge! If you want to store rotten meat, use that deep freezer upstairs."

Oh. Right. Felicity and Hastings no longer occupied the cooler.

"Speaking of which, what's up with Poopy Raptor? Why's she got a tummy ache? And making the floor filthy?"

"Uh, long story—"

Zelda paused before the sofa and urinated on the carpet.

"Ebert! Why didn't you tell me she wasn't housebroken?"

I gave Cynthia an embarrassed grin. "I thought you'd be satisfied with her not trying to disembowel you."

"Well," she stammered. "That is important..." Swearing under her breath, she looked around for cleaning supplies. "What about you? Are you housebroken?"

"Uh...kinda, as you have communicated your need for me to not pee on your carpeting..."

Cynthia glared at Zelda, digging around in cabinets for carpet cleaner. Once she'd gotten the stain treated the best she could, she grabbed some discarded clothing from beside a stuffed leopard toy on her bed and stomped into the bathroom. "I'm taking a shower. If your girlfriend has to pee again, take her the eff outside."

Immediately after the bathroom door closed, and the water came on, Buttface squatted next to Cynthia's sofa.

Setting the bloody Brontosaurus steak down on her glass coffee table, I imitated the woman, tearing off some paper towels and bringing out the cleaner.

Didn't know what she did with droppings, so I put them in her sink. Seemed like as good a place as any.

I shook the red canister, pointed at the stain...and sprayed foaming chemical into my eyes.

Boy that stung!

Shrieking, I flailed around in helpless search of something to wash my eyes. At some point the table shattered. Zelda tried to help, but something happened and the Michael Jordan came off the wall, the aquarium burst open and a bunch of other stuff got broken.

The next thing I heard (but did not see) something dripping and stomping around on the carpet. "What in the holy hell?"

And then...

"You broke my coffee table!...My fish!...My carpet! I thought I told you to take her outside!"

And then...

"My sink! You shat in my sink!"