Tseng XVII: The worst memory

Content warning: self-harm

When he reached the SOLDIER quarters, he hurried straight to Sephiroth's apartment, where he found Zack already waiting for him, dressed in casual clothes. He wanted to praise the young SOLDIER for his diligence in coming back on time instead of staying out with his girlfriend, but he had no time to lose. Without bothering to knock, he swiped his card over the reader and stepped in as soon as the door slid open. He entered in a hurry and looking around he found nothing out of the ordinary. The room was dark but otherwise it was just as they had left it when they left in the morning. Even the glass and the bottle were still sitting on the table but all the lights were off. The only thing he could hear was the noise of running water coming from one of the closed doors.

Zack rushed in behind him and noted: "Oh, he's just taking a shower. But why didn't he pick up the phone earlier?" Tseng looked at him full of doubt. "I wonder if he's really just taking a shower." Zack stared at him. "What else could it be?" Tseng, who was perfectly justified in his skepticism, as anyone who had ever witnessed the state Sephiroth was in after mako treatments, a list of people that was excessively short and included only people who either could not be trusted, were not anywhere nearby or were unavailable for other reasons, could testify, approached the door and knocked forcefully. Pressing his ear on the cold metal he heard no reaction, aside from the sound of gushing water. "Sephiroth? Are you there?", he yelled, but there was no response. He turned back to Zack and said: "Can you go inside to check on him?" Zack raised his hands in a defensive gesture and shook his head as he responded quickly: "No way! Can't you do it?" Tseng stepped aside and motioned for Zack to go. "Believe me, it's better if you do it." With me having no idea at this point what his issue was, I had to disagree with him, for almost anything would have been better for Sephiroth than to be completely alone as he had been since he bid Zack goodbye at noon. But I had no voice and they could not hear me, or see the fearful expression on my face upon realizing what could possibly have transpired here in the afternoon.

Zack hesitantly stepped past him while looking at Tseng full of doubt. Finally, he cracked open the door and peeked inside. Tseng could not bear the thought of Zack having to see something awful, but he still watched with wide eyes as Zack froze and softly exclaimed: "Oh dear!" By this point Tseng, too, was anxious. While he and Sephiroth were hardly ever on the same page about anything, they had known each other for so long that Sephiroth's condition was beginning to affect him as well. He needed to remind himself again and again that they were not friends, a feeling that he believed was mutual. "How is he?", he asked as Zack open the door just enough to step through and answered: "Hang on." He disappeared and closed the door behind him. That made Tseng feel a little better. If Zack was unsure how bad it was, the Turk was certain that it could not as bad as the worst thing he had feared.

Behind the door the sound of running water stopped and then he heard Zack calling out to Sephiroth anxiously. When Zack finally called him in, Tseng was hit by an all too familiar smell. He knew immediately what it was since he had been exposed to the same smell earlier today. Mako energy smelled different for different people and, as ridiculous as it was, it evoked Tseng's childhood memories of growing up in the midst of piles of junk and garbage in the poorest areas of the slums. The bathroom was hot and so full of steam that it made it difficult for him to breathe. Inside, leaning against the wall was Sephiroth, naked and unconscious with Zack knelt beside him. Sephiroth's hands were tightly clawing into his upper arms where long, bloody scratches were visible, emanating a soft green glow, which stemmed from to mako energy the SOLDIER had been infused with today. On the floor beside him were two empty bottles of shampoo. He was breathing but unresponsive.

"Does he need a doctor?", Tseng inquired, but Zack only shrugged and said: "I should be able to take care of his injuries, but I'm not so sure about the rest…" Tseng knew what he meant by "the rest" without him spelling it out. Healing the body was comparably easy. The soul, on the other hand... Tseng wondered if his mako treatment had anything to do with him harming himself. As in his own case, mako energy not always invoked pleasant feelings. Could it be that Sephiroth had tried to wash away the smell and when that had failed, he ended up attacking his own body? His body had been infused with a large dose of mako today so the smell could not simply be washed away. What memories exactly did the mako evoke in him that were so bad that he could not bear them?

Zack slipped his arm around Sephiroth's body. "Can you help me carry him out? He's too heavy for me to carry by myself." While Sephiroth was lean, he was very tall and muscular, so Tseng could very well imagine that even Zack would have problems getting him out of the bathroom without hurting him. Taking care not to look at Sephiroth him more than absolutely necessary, Tseng helped Zack lift up Sephiroth with shaky knees. He did not want to cause the young man any more stress than he already had to endure. He normally avoided touching Sephiroth at all or looking at him in any manner that could be thought of as unprofessional. Although the latter was difficult, considering how provocative the SOLDIER dressed in public. Together they dragged Sephiroth over to the living room where are they laid him on the couch "Did he comment at all today on a smell that was bothering him?", Tseng inquired after Sephiroth was safely and comfortably bedded on the couch, but while responding "Hang on", Zack pulled up his phone and pressed a few buttons. Tseng inhaled deeply to start lecturing him that's not the time to be texting when a green materia appeared in out of thin air in his hand. Tseng instead gave himself a lecture internally for not understanding that he merely invoked the Shinra inventory management to bring out a materia. Tseng hardly took combat assignments anymore, and if he did, he usually relied on stealth and the aim of his gun rather than materia, so he hardly ever used the system anymore.

Zack cast a curaga spell over Sephiroth which wrapped his body by an intense glow in all colors of the rainbow. The Turks did not often use high-level materia, but he was all too familiar with the miracles a trained SOLIDIER could perform using such materia. Immediately after that, the deep, bloody scratches on Sephiroth's started to close as the wounds healed at an accelerated rate. But the faint green glow radiating from where the wounds had been persisted. Zack put the materia in his pocket and gently brushed Sephiroth's hair out of his pale face. "As far as I know, the only thing that actually helps against mako intoxication is rest and time, so that's pretty much all I can do", Zack remarked. As a member of the SOLDIER program, Zack would be all too familiar with the harmful effects of mako intoxication, so Tseng did not doubt his words.

"So? Did he say anything at all about a smell?" Zack contemplated for a moment and finally responded: "He said that he got the smell of 'that man' all over him" That man? "What does that mean?", Tseng asked back. "What was he talking about?" – "He asked what Professor Hojo did to him." Tseng closed his eyes. Everything was falling into place. Sephiroth had spent the early years of his life in the research department under the care of Hojo, if one could call that "care" at all. From what he knew, Sephiroth had been left to the Shinra company owing to his extraordinary abilities which he already displayed at birth and the research department had made the most use of the boy, so it was no big surprise that Sephiroth was still affected by the memories. Although not all memories were from the past, since Hojo continued to torment him in every possible way, from stalking him, sending him creepy things under the pretense of leading a fan club, leaking private details or spreading lies about him to the public, all the way to putting him through unnecessary and questionable experiments. The silver-haired boy had been able to put some distance between himself and the research department only after the SOLDIER program was formally put into place. But even so, he could never be fully independent because the SOLDIER department was still part of the research department. Although he technically had fully authority over them, the current head of the research department, Hojo, did not interfere with the day-to-day affairs of the SOLDIER division, but he was able to issue commands as the formal superior in charge. As a result, Sephiroth was still frequently called in for extra treatments and experiments, although the nature and purpose of these experiments eluded Tseng and he was certain that they had no point other than gratifying the professor.

"What now?", Zack finally asked. The truth was that Tseng himself had no idea. Sephiroth was needed for the mission in two days, but no one could have an issue with him resting until then. However, he was not certain that leaving him alone in his condition was a good idea. But the only person Tseng would trust to watch over him and Sephiroth being okay with it needed to leave on a mission himself in the next morning. It could not be helped. Finally, he addressed Zack again: "I know that you have to leave early tomorrow but you will have enough time to sleep on the flight." Zack looked up. "Stay here until the morning. I will take over before you leave. I do not know how he will react when he wakes up, but feel free to blame it on me. I will talk to him when he's back on his feet." Zack shook his head. "No, I think that's a good idea. I'm on board with it."

Tseng nodded. "Very well then. You should get ready to leave in the morning. Can you get your things from your room?" Zack nodded and left for the door. "Be right back" Tseng entered the bedroom, picked up a blanket from the bed and wrapped it around the unconscious young man. He pulled up a chair and, sitting down with his legs crossed, he watched the SOLDIER sleep. Sephiroth was still as beautiful as he had ever been, but in pained Tseng to look at him. He had first met a young Sephiroth a short time after he first started working for the Turks. At the time, Sephiroth was perhaps 15 or 16 years old. With the SOLDIER department barely having been established with just a few members, without uniforms or formal ranks, the two loners had been paired on some rookie missions together. Sephiroth had not been any less distant than he was now, but despite that, they got along reasonably well and had achieved results that were positively received by those in charge.

It was a different time when Shinra was still in the process of solidifying its power over the smaller players in the world. Travel was hard and time-consuming, and they had spent many an hour together on trucks carrying them through more and less desolate landscapes. Despite their difference in age, Tseng had found a kindred spirit in the young soldier and opened up to him about himself, although the same was not reciprocated by the boy. When he finally did open up to him, it turned out that Sephiroth had completely misunderstood the nature of their relationship. Perhaps Tseng should have known better, but what he had failed to see and understand had permanently soured their relationship.

Looking back at these events retrospectively, Tseng could not help but fear that Sephiroth's choices at the time had more sinister reasons than Tseng had initially thought. Naturally he had done what he thought was necessary at the time, and that included severing ties with the boy. But boundaries had been crossed and the damage had been done. And their relationship was never able to fully recover from this experience. He tried everything in his power to make up for it, and, while he had managed to regain some amount of trust, he would not ever allow himself to overstep any more boundaries with Sephiroth.

Lost in thought, he had started dozing off and awoke with a start when a loud knock came from the door. Tseng got up and opened the door. In came Zack, fully dressed in his uniform, two swords on his back, with a travel bag in hand. Tseng nodded in satisfaction. He barely ever needed to explain anything to Zack because he simply understood. "Like I said, I have no idea how he will react when he wakes up", Tseng warned Zack before he left. "If there is anything, call me." Zack scratched his head. "In the middle of the night?" Tseng folded his arms. "It doesn't matter. This is more important." Zack nodded. "OK. Um, well, good night?" Tseng smiled grimly. He still had a few things to do before he finally got to go to bed.