Chapter I: Hello from a million years ago

It begins and ends with a bike.

Nothing even remotely special about the bike in the first place, it was a plain old bike.

Not even electric.

Just a bike.

A bike that his parents had gotten him a couple years ago and that had been about the end of it, just sitting in their house and collecting dust because he never really felt the urge to go out and ride it.

Not initially, that was.

Then he started going to Kuoh and started to dream big.

…Well, his dream hadn't changed.

But he thought about doing something to give himself a real fighting chance against the pretty boys, because girls just loved muscles.

Or athletic guys, probably both.

So he used his great wisdom and put two and two together the second he remembered he had the bike. So he wheeled it out of it's hiding space, already picturing of how many girls would compliment him for his athletic build, and then pushed it outside and started riding it.

And riding it.

…And then he got really tired and went for a break, staring down at his watch and slumping his shoulders in defeat.

"Seriously?"

Issei grumbled in disbelief as he stared at the time, no more then ten minutes from when he had actually set out from his house. Ten minutes and already he was starting to feel like his legs were going to drop off his body. Sure, he wasn't the most athletic guy in the world but surely he had better fitness than this?

Eyeing the bike, Issei frowned a bit deeper and dropped his hand onto his knee.

Wasn't the whole purpose of the bike to make this easier or something? Wasn't that how riding bikes worked?

He'd guys run longer than he'd just peddled his legs.

But for his dream, Issei would endure.

He clenched his hand into a fist and raised his head up high.

"For the sake of Oppai!"

"What the hell?"

A passerby shot him a bewildered - and slightly disgusted - look before hurrying on and walking away from him.

Issei ignored the naysayer, it was something he had heard a dozen times over.

So with that newfound strength, he swiftly rose to his feet and marched to the bike once more, sweeping his leg over it and resuming peddling once again. With no real destination in mind, merely just peddling as far and as fast as his body would allow him. Because the more he pushed himself, the faster he would get muscles.

Yeah, that sounded right to him.

Oppai, here he came!

Issei kicked a stray pebble to the side as he wheeled his bike onwards, keeping his expression as even as he could.

At least for a grand total of three seconds.

Then his shoulders dropped and he started panting again as the exhaustion ran him down like a car, he stopped walking and shook his head from side to side, eyes sweeping over his surroundings as he felt his brows twitch ever so slightly.

"Oh, come on!"

More forest?!

How much greenery was even around Kuoh anyway?

When did he ride a bike into a damn jungle?! This was such crap.

He was feeling tired, his legs felt like jelly and he was panting like a dog.

All in all, this was a massive waste of time and served only to make him lost in the woods and have to walk all the way back home.

Now he remembered why he had left this bike hidden away in the first place, such a pity that the thoughts hadn't come to greet him prior to this moment, but it seemed as though there was no mercy for him. He didn't even understand what he was doing wrong in the first place?

…No, he was exercising when he wasn't used to it…

…Issei's expression soured rather quickly as he realised that he would probably have to endure this every single day for a while before he saw any results. He eyed the bike he was walking beside and then raised his head and looked across the entire length of the woods before he shuddered at the notion and rapidly dismissed it before it could settle.

No way was he going through all of this.

Did that pretty bastard at school have to go through all of this to get as athletic as he was?

Issei didn't want to think about it at all, he hoped he would never see it either.

He'd probably want to punch the guy in the head super hard if he saw them riding a bike.

The fact not even the thought of getting on over on that handsome bastard managed to lighten his mood made Issei grumbled to himself all over again, sweeping back his leg and winding up for another kick and letting it loose.

"Gugh-!"

His eyes bulged and he let go of the bike, dropping down and placing his hands against the tip of his shoe and drawing it back. A strangled wheeze broke out from between his teeth and hissed from the gap, he closed his eyes as the lance of pain climbed up to around his shin and then just settled there.

When Issei finally opened his eyes, he was staring at what he thought was the branch he was going to kick.

It wasn't a branch,

It was the stump of a really thin tree.

His eye twitched and he felt the urge to leave this forest right now.

Standing back up, he winced once more at the throbbing pain in his foot and turned his head towards his-

…?

…Where was his bike?

Issei frowned and looked around, even if he hated the bike right now, he'd rather not have to explain to his parents why he came home without it after they looked so happy he'd told them he was going exercising.

They'd definitely be pretty sad about that.

Much better if he came home tired and then never go out and do it again until they forgot about it completely.

And they'd paid for the bike.

Rubbing his hands over his face, he rested them on the back of his neck and glanced about, frowning a bit deeper and turning his head ever so slightly to the left and squinting. There was a short incline which led down to a little pit, a small hole, and the ground seemed to have been messed up.

…Which was just typical.

Issei dropped his hands down to his side and let out a tired sigh.

"Great."

Climbing down the short incline, he eyed the hole with a little bit of wariness and came to a stop at the mouth of it. Leaning forwards and peering down, he squinted just a bit into the darkness and found - with some mild trepidation - that he could not actually see what was down there in the first place.

It was a really deep hole.

Maybe.

If not deep, then just dark.

Dropping down onto his knees, he placed his hands either side of the hole which was fortunately just wide enough to accommodate that, and leaned forwards a little bit more to try and get a better look. There was still very little that he was actually seeing down there and-

"Eh?"

Suddenly the pressure under his hands vanished and his weight slipped forwards.

Issei felt a strange sense of confusion as he found himself slipping into the darkness.

"Shi-!"

A curse sprang from his lips the second he realised what was happening, then he felt himself strike something a bit solid which knocked the wind out of him. Gasping, he tumbled down head over heels and finally felt himself slide to a complete stop over something.

Though it didn't feel all that comfortable, the ground was definitely uneven around here.

"Ooooooh."

Groaning, he pressed his hands to his gut as he slumped his head back and started to cough, or at least tried to.

There was nothing for him too cough in the first place, so he just sort of lay there and sputtered up while his eyes were fixed on the hint of light which was bleeding in from the entrance to the pit above him, he could just about make out the slope he had fallen down as well as the indentation of his backside in the mud.

It explained why he felt a bit chilly down there now.

Rolling to the side, he felt himself touch something cold and then jerked back only to stop.

Issei squinted.

"...Crap."

It was his bike and it looked as though it had not had a good time of it.

The front spokes of the wheel looked crooked and the chain had snapped.

But forgetting all of that, his eyes went from the bike and then to the hole once more.

To-and-froe they went.

Issei just slumped back into the dirt and moved his hands from his gut and to his face once more.

He was never going exercising ever again if he could help it.

Never.

"Damn it!"

Spitting, he pulled himself up and sat there with another heaving sigh.

Hands flat either side, he pushed himself up to his feet and stood on slippery ground, eyeing the mud which covered his trousers and shoes - the once grey pair were now caked in brown - before moving across and leaning down to take hold of the bike, pulling it up and giving it another once over.

…Well, at least he had a justifiable excuse to never use it again.

It slipped off a trail and broke.

His lip twitched a little sardonically before he remembered he still had to get it out of this pit which was…

…Why was there even a pit in the middle of the damn woods in the first place? What was up with that?

Putting all that to the side, Issei turned around and dragged the bike along with him as he stepped towards the slope, putting the bike in front of him and starting to push it upwards, hardly like he could damage it any worse than it already was, at least.

But that was, of course, something that only seemed to work out easier in his head than in reality.

"Ooof!"

The wet mud slipped him up and he crashed back down onto the slope, this time slathering his arm in muck.

Dragging his hand out, he gave another shaky breath as he struggled to contain his frustration.

Was this the universe testing his desire to work and get a Harem?

Because if it was, then the universe was really giving him everything that it could possibly muster at the moment.

He hadn't even done anything wrong to begin with and now he was stuck in some muddy hole with a busted up bike and his clothes covered in filth. In all the time he had gone with his friends, this had never happened to either one of them. It really was such crap that he was enduring this.

…Well, he would not be deterred so easily.

Sure, maybe this had turned into a big stinky failure but Issei would come up with another method of getting fit and then attracting the eyes of girls.

"Just you wait Universe! I'm gonna get out of this and when I do-!"

Water dripped down on his face, his words stopped at that.

His hand, pointed triumphantly at the sky, faltered and then fell.

It was raining through the hole and right onto his face.

"...Mother fuc-!"

At least it was thundering, Issei told himself as he sat away from the downpour of the hole with his arms folded over his knees, glowering at the growing brown puddle that sat just at the base of the slope.

Issei didn't need much smarts to know that he was probably not going to be getting out of here with the bike now.

And so, with his head slumped forwards, he surrendered himself to the idea of sitting out the rain and waiting for it to end.

Whenever that was.

Issei fished his phone from his pocket, flipped it up and then stared at it for a second or two.

A cracked glass screen stared right back at him.

His eye twitched and he put it back into his pocket.

"Lovely."

This was fine.

…It wasn't but if he said it enough, he probably would be fine.

The not good and very bad day he was having.

Fine.

Great.

Whatever.

Clapping his hands on his knees, he tried to whistle and looked around his little den for a few moments, actually taking the time to examine his home for the time being. It was a bit more spacious than he thought it would have been…it actually looked really cool, now that he thought about it.

…He figured that one of his friends from way back when would have loved it here.

What was his name again?

Irina?

Yeah, they would have definitely loved it.

Well, not that it mattered much now.

Issei wasn't here for the fun of an underground bunker and-

Something caught his eye, it was really something he doubt he would have noticed at first.

But it was the barest hint of something a little green looking…maybe?

But it twinkled just enough that he spotted it, for a moment he thought it might have been a trick of the eye.

Then it twinkled again.

With nothing else to do, Issei rose up and crawled towards it, just embedded in the side of the wall really far in. He squinted at it and reached up, rubbing his finger along it and then quickly pulling back when it was far from what he expected.

It was warm to the touch, he eyed his finger and then eyed the little glittering spot.

"What the…?"

This was so weird.

It wasn't like it burned him or something, but touching it was definitely not what he expected.

So he moved in again and rubbed his finger over it, letting the heat flow down his mud soaked finger, then pinched it between his finger and thumb and gave a slight pull. His hand only slipped off it as he felt far more resistance than he thought. Which meant that it was larger than it looked.

So more was buried inside of the mud.

Issei shrugged is shoulders and moved his hands either side of the strange green thing.

It looked a bit like glass to him, so it might have been an old bottle that got buried or something.

Unless it was literal buried treasure.

Wouldn't that be funny.

He frowned a bit deeper as he scooped aside the mud from either side of it, watching as more and more was revealed and it somehow kept on going in. It was getting larger and larger, now about the width of a small plate and still more being buried inside. Issei briefly stopped and drew his hands back, tilting his head and squinting.

This was so weird.

Had someone lost a piece of a window around here?

It was really thick though, perhaps a good couple inches?

Raising his hands, he started to pull at the mud with a bit more tenacity.

At first it had been a sense of boredom, but now he was genuinely curious.

He even stopped caring about how dirty his hands were getting, a smile pulled at his lips as he continued his little excavation. It was tiresome work, he was making not a lot of progress, but he was steadily getting further and furhter into revealing the shape of it. Though most of it was still covered in mud and grime.

But now, after perhaps a couple minutes of digging, he had about half of it free.

It was big.

Now the size of a large dinner plate or a small garden slap.

Vaguely pentagon shaped…maybe and old decorative slab?

But it felt like it was made of glass or something like that.

Taking in a deep breath, he rose up and then gripped it tight with both hands.

Sucking in his strength, he leaned back and pulled.

It remained rather stuck, but Issei wouldn't quite just yet.

Bracing himself, he clenched his jaw and yanked back with as much as strength as he could possibly muster.

The resistance lingered for a few moments.

"Ooof!"

Before vanishing completely, Issei tumbled down to the ground and felt a weight settle on his chest, grunting and sitting up, his eyes dropped down to the prize on his lap, he shuffled a bit and tilted his head.

Definitely looked like a garden slab to him.

A really expensive one too.

He raised his hand and brushed his fingers over it, sweeping them along the clear feeling of a pattern on the surface and dragging out the mud, frowning as he flicked it aside and tried to make sense of what he was seeing.

It looked…a bit like a plus sign to him but maybe not?

His fingers pulled away a bit more of the mud and he swept it across, squinting just that little bit more.

No, there was something more.

It was a diamond shape with…an M in the centre?

Pulling his finger and clearing out the interior, Issei returned his hand to the side of the rather heavy slab and stared at it for a couple seconds, tilting his head just that little bit as he looked down. It definitely looked like an M inside of a weird diamond which was…definitely a thing.

He didn't know who would have this in their garden - or why it would end up out here - but he supposed there was no helping any of it now.

Shrugging, he stood up and turned his head from his 'prize' and towards the direction of the hole once more. At least the rain had stopped during the time it had taken him to dig this out, but now he felt rather disgusting. Raising the slab up, he grimaced as he beheld the state his clothes were in.

Walking back home like this was not something he was looking forward to.

Hopefully his parents would take one look at him and decide not to ask any questions.

Issei grumbled and lowered the slab back down and likely would have put it back on the floor.

Except something happened.

Something a bit peculiar.

The slab started to heat up, he didn't notice at first, but then his fingers felt a bit tingly, or rather hot.

Like they were resting against a radiator.

With a startled yelp, he loosened them and the slab slipped out from between his fingers and thudded into the dirt.

Or that is what it should have done.

It didn't.

Rather, the slab hovered about a couple centimetres off the ground.

Which was not normal and he felt wholly justified in panicking now.

Issei stared, bug-eyed, as the slab started to glow and an ominous hum leaked out from it.

He stepped backwards rather sharply, only stopping when his back collided with the wall of the little cavern he was stuck in. If there was one thing he wasn't going to do, it was stick around in a little trapped place like this with weird glowing slabs.

Keeping his back to the wall, he scooted across at a rather rapid pace until he was perched directly under the downpour of light. At the last possible second, he whirled around and thrust his hands into the mud and started to pull upwards, gritting his teeth and hissing under his breath as he yanked his weight higher and higher, feet struggling for purchase.

Could he seriously not even exercise to save his own damn life?!

"Come on, come on, come on-"

The noise grew in intensity, he cringed and resisted the urge to slam his hands over his ears.

And then suddenly his shadow was cast right before his eyes, the noise burned through his ears and light flooded around him. With a shout of alarm, Issei slipped away and slammed face first into the mud - thankfully blotting out the light - and then rolled back down onto his back.

Did it explode or something!?

He curled into a ball and waited - dreaded - for something to happen.

And waited.

And waited.

And…waited?

…Why was he still waiting?

Hacking out the mud on his lips, he spat it off to the side and moved his hands up, wiping down at his face and heaving in disgust as the taste and the smell of wet mud slipped into his body, he was now gagging and spitting more frequently, rubbing the dry parts of his forearm over his face and pulling away bit by bit of the filth.

A final cough and he was free.

Issei blinked the shapes of the world back into focus, the light coming down from the hole above his head, the dirt which caked his entire body.

And the glowing white eyes of the shadow standing directly to his left-

He froze.

His head turned so slowly he could feel the crank of every muscle within his neck.

Up until a couple seconds ago, he had been alone in the little hole.

And now he wasn't.

Issei felt his response was very justified and not at all unmanly.

Screaming at the top of his lungs.