Ramen Chakra Pulse

The scene in the room was sheer pandemonium, a chaotic swirl of personalities, stubbornness, and—most of all—ramen slurping that could've woken the dead. Jiraiya lay stretched out like a poorly wrapped present, covered head-to-toe in bandages that only left a sliver of his face exposed. Beside him lay Sasuke, also mummified, glaring up at the ceiling with an expression of pure regret, as if every terrible decision in his life had somehow culminated in this—lying bandaged next to the loudest, most insufferable ramen fanatic in the whole village.

Tsunade, standing over them with her arms crossed and her foot tapping impatiently, looked like a volcano about to erupt. Her gaze zeroed in on Jiraiya with an intensity that could've drilled holes through walls. She nudged him hard with her toe, prompting a groan.

"You deserve every bit of this, you know?" she hissed. "Making me wait while you parade around like some idiotic—"

But before she could finish, a sound so ungodly, so offensive to the ears, reverberated through the room. It was a slurping noise that defied all etiquette, echoing off the walls like some haunting chant. Naruto sat cross-legged on the floor, face deep in a steaming bowl of ramen, her eyes wide with a ravenous, almost hypnotic focus. Her slurping was aggressive, mechanical, like she'd fused with the bowl and become some ramen-eating machine.

Sasuke winced, as though the sound alone could peel his bandages off.

Tsunade's eye twitched, but she tried to press on, her voice rising above the chaotic slurping. "As I was saying… I'm not interested in this Hokage nonsense. If Hiruzen wants to rot in that chair until he keels over, then fine. The village can collapse into rubble, for all I care."

Jiraiya, despite looking like he'd been run over by a herd of wild boars, had the gall to roll his eyes. "Come on, Tsunade. Hiruzen's ancient. You're the only one capable of stepping up. We need someone who can—"

"Step up? Step up?!" Tsunade's scoff cut through the room like a sword. "The only thing I'll be stepping up to is retirement. That chair is cursed! Every poor soul who's ever sat on it, everyone who's even thought about sitting on it, has ended up dead!"

At that, Naruto's head jerked up mid-slurp, ramen noodles dangling from her lips. She blinked, her gaze settling on Tsunade with unsettling intensity. "Wait, so… you're saying if I sit in that chair, I'm gonna die?"

Without waiting for an answer, she slurped even louder, eyes wide as saucers as if contemplating her own mortality. The sound was a grotesque symphony of broth and noodles, like she was channeling her very soul into consuming this bowl.

"If you keep up that racket," Tsunade muttered through gritted teeth, glaring daggers at Naruto, "you'll find out a lot sooner than that."

Naruto shrugged in her usual nonchalant way, not even slightly fazed, and went back to her ramen with even more gusto, as if trying to drown out every thought of death in a sea of broth. Meanwhile, Tsunade let out a deep sigh, rubbing her temples. "Hokages… they're idiots, every one of them. Just a bunch of fools who gave their lives for this village, leaving nothing behind but a statue on a mountain."

"Oh, don't worry, Tsunade—"

"Shut up, Jiraiya!" Tsunade barked, her voice snapping like a whip. "I'm done with your lectures!"

At that exact moment, Naruto's slurping came to an abrupt halt. Her gaze shifted from her bowl to Shizune, who was sitting nearby, clutching TonTon, her little pink pig, close to her chest. Naruto's eyes narrowed, zeroing in on TonTon with a kind of predatory glint that made Shizune's blood run cold.

"That pig…" Naruto murmured, her voice low and strangely flat, her eyes unblinking. "…looks juicy."

Shizune froze, blinking rapidly, clutching TonTon even tighter. "Uh… excuse me?"

Naruto tilted her head, entirely unfazed by the shock on Shizune's face. "I mean, just think about it, Shizune. Imagine how amazing my ramen would taste with a little fresh TonTon pork as a topping. Dattebayo." Her voice was eerie, disturbingly serious, as if she was proposing the most logical, reasonable idea in the world.

TonTon let out a terrified squeal, squirming frantically in Shizune's arms as Naruto's gaze stayed fixed, unwavering, on him. Her eyes glinted as she licked her lips, not in the normal way a person might, but in a slow, deliberate, almost robotic manner. It was as though she'd read about "hunger" somewhere and decided to emulate it for the fun of it.

Shizune's mouth fell open in horror. "TonTon is NOT for eating!"

Naruto looked back at her with an expression of utter calm, like she was explaining basic arithmetic to a small child. "Why not? Sacrifices have to be made for the greater good, don't they? Isn't that the whole point of this village? Sacrifice? It's practically the foundation of the Hokage legacy." She nodded, as if her twisted logic was undeniable. "Besides, it would be an honor for him to enhance the culinary masterpiece that is ramen."

"No! No, no, no!" Shizune's voice shook as she clutched TonTon even tighter, her knuckles going white. "TonTon is NOT a noble sacrifice! He's my pet!"

Naruto tilted her head, her brow furrowing as if genuinely perplexed by Shizune's resistance. "Think about it, Shizune. It's for the perfect bowl of ramen. A small price to pay for culinary brilliance, don't you think?" She leaned in closer, lowering her voice conspiratorially, like she was sharing a deep, dark secret. "I could even cut you a deal. You let me use the pig, and I'll give you the first bowl. Dattebayo."

Just then, Tsunade's patience snapped. She stormed over, grabbing Naruto by the collar, yanking her clean off the floor. Naruto dangled there, arms limp, entirely unfazed by the angry Hokage's grip, her gaze still firmly fixed on TonTon with that same unsettling hunger.

"What on earth is wrong with you?!" Tsunade shook her like a rag doll, her frustration at boiling point.

Naruto blinked, expression deadpan, and pointed a finger at herself. "Me? I'm perfectly functional. Dattebayo."

Tsunade's glare could have melted steel, but she let go, dropping Naruto unceremoniously to the floor. Naruto flopped to the ground in a heap, but instead of reacting, she just picked herself up with an eerie calmness, her gaze sliding back to TonTon, who looked as if he were seconds away from bolting. Shizune hugged the trembling pig tighter, while Naruto's stare intensified, that unsettling, calculating glint making Shizune want to retreat into the nearest corner.

Tsunade kicked Naruto in the shin, pulling her attention back. "Stop trying to eat my pig!"

Naruto let out an exaggerated sigh, as though she was the one suffering from unreasonable demands. "Fine. How about a bet, then? If I win, the pig's mine. You lose, you have to become Hokage."

Tsunade's eyes narrowed dangerously, her patience wearing thinner by the second. Her mind was screaming that she shouldn't indulge this, but her temper got the best of her. "Fine, you little brat! Bring it on!"

Shizune, desperate to inject some sanity into the situation, jumped in hurriedly. "Uh… the bet should be… um… something reasonable? Like a hand wrestling match?"

Naruto's face remained disturbingly blank, unimpressed. "A ramen-eating contest. Dattebayo. Winner takes all."

And thus began the argument. Tsunade's face turned red with frustration, her voice rising as she suggested a dozen different challenges, each more practical than the last, while Naruto stubbornly clung to her obsession with ramen. No matter how many times Tsunade proposed something sensible—arm wrestling, a sparring match, even a simple race—Naruto's deadpan reply remained the same, her voice devoid of emotion yet oddly passionate. "Ramen-eating contest. Dattebayo."

Finally, after what felt like hours of pointless bickering, Tsunade's patience completely snapped. "Fine! You know what? If you're so determined to prove yourself, we'll make it a test of medical skill."

Naruto blinked, her blank expression faltering as she stared at Tsunade in obvious confusion. "Uh… medical skill? Like… healing and stuff?"

Tsunade's mouth curved into a smirk as she looked over at the two human mummies in the room—Jiraiya and Sasuke. "Exactly. We've got two contestants," she said, pointing to herself and Naruto, "and two patients." She gestured to the bandaged figures lying on the beds. "Whoever heals her patient first, wins."

Sasuke's eyes widened in sheer terror, his bandaged face barely able to move as he let out a strangled, muffled sound of protest. The image of Naruto's "healing techniques" was still seared in his memory, like a nightmare he could never quite shake. It was only a week ago that he'd witnessed her infamous "resuscitation technique," which had mainly involved Naruto pounding on two wounded ninjas' chest while loudly insisting that they were "drowning in their own pain." The poor men had survived—barely—but it wasn't exactly due to Naruto's "medical prowess."

Naruto squinted at the bandaged bodies in front of her, her gaze shifting between Jiraiya and Sasuke with a look of deep concentration. She raised a hand and pointed at Jiraiya. "Alright, fine. I'll take Pervy Sage. Dattebayo."

Tsunade smirked, crossing her arms. "Oh no, no. You're taking Sasuke." She gestured to the raven-haired ninja, whose visible eye was filled with an expression that could only be described as primal horror. "And I'll take Jiraiya. It'll be a true test of skill… and patience."

Sasuke let out a desperate groan, shifting uncomfortably in his cocoon of bandages. "Wait… Tsunade-sama… let's be reasonable about this…"

But Tsunade just gave him a steely glare, her smirk widening. "What's wrong, Sasuke? Don't trust your friend's medical expertise?"

Sasuke, through gritted teeth, muttered something unintelligible, likely a series of curses directed at whatever twisted fate had landed him here.

Naruto, however, seemed undeterred by Sasuke's obvious terror. She crouched down beside him, her face inches from his, and fixed him with an unnervingly intense stare. "Alright, listen up, Bastard. I'm gonna heal you better than you've ever been healed in your life. You'll be running laps around the village by the time I'm done. Dattebayo."

Sasuke let out a strangled cough, his voice filled with desperation. "Naruto… please, for the love of all that's holy… just leave me alone."

Naruto shrugged, waving a dismissive hand. "Stop being such a baby. How hard can this be? It's just some bandages and bruises, right? I've seen people heal from worse after eating a good bowl of ramen."

From across the room, Shizune scoffed loudly. "Naruto, healing isn't about ramen! It requires finesse, precision, chakra control, and years of training—"

"Yeah, yeah," Naruto interrupted, waving her hand dismissively. "You say that, but maybe if you'd let me use ramen in my methods, I'd have healed him already."

Jiraiya, despite his predicament, managed a weak chuckle, muttering through his bandages, "I'd pay to see you try, kid."

Naruto gave him a solemn nod. "Oh, don't worry, Pervy Sage, once I'm done with Sasuke, you're next. I'll heal you so good you'll think you've been born again."

Sasuke looked to Tsunade, desperation in his voice. "Tsunade-sama… please, I'd rather take my chances with you. Can't we switch?"

Tsunade grinned, folding her arms. "Too late, Sasuke. You've already been assigned. Now, Naruto, get started. Show me what you've got."

Naruto huffed, rolling up her sleeves like she was about to dig into a bowl of ramen rather than administer medical treatment. She turned back to Sasuke, her eyes narrowing with determination. "Alright, first thing's first… I think we need to get rid of these bandages. They're clearly not doing any good." Without waiting for a response, she began yanking at the bandages wrapped around Sasuke, peeling them off haphazardly and tossing them aside in a way that could only be described as "enthusiastic."

"Whoa, wait—OW!" Sasuke hissed, gritting his teeth as Naruto's hands fumbled and tugged with zero regard for his comfort. He looked over at Tsunade, who was watching with a mixture of amusement and horror. "Tsunade-sama! She's going to kill me!"

Naruto paused, holding a handful of bandages, and frowned. "Geez, Bastard, don't be so dramatic. If ramen can fix a broken spirit, I'm sure I can fix you up too. Dattebayo." She nodded furiously, looking genuinely proud of her logic.

From the other bed, Jiraiya's voice was muffled but undeniably entertained. "This… this is priceless…"

Naruto, turning back to her "patient." She took a deep robotic breath, gathering chakra in her hands—or trying to, at least. Her hands glowed with an inconsistent, flickering light as she pressed them down on Sasuke's arm, as if trying to mimic the technique she'd seen people use.

Sasuke winced, his face contorted with pain. "Naruto… this… doesn't feel… right!"

Naruto didn't seem to notice his discomfort, her brow furrowing in concentration. "Hold on, it just needs a little more chakra… and maybe if I visualize it as a bowl of ramen… Hm, I wonder if I could channel the essence of ramen into this healing technique."

"Ramen isn't magic, Naruto!" Shizune shouted, exasperated. "It's soup! Made from water and noodles and spices!"

Naruto, looking up with genuine confusion, tilted her head. "Then why does it make me feel so much better every time I eat it? Isn't that basically the same as healing?"

Shizune slapped a hand to her forehead. "There is no ramen-based medical ninjutsu, Naruto!"

"Not yet," Naruto muttered under her breath, casting a dark look at TonTon. "But there's always room for innovation…"

"Don't even think about it!" Shizune snapped, clutching TonTon protectively. "This pig is not an ingredient!"

Naruto grumbled but returned her focus to Sasuke, who was looking pale, his face strained. He eyed her warily, bracing himself for whatever she had planned next.

"Alright, Sasuke," Naruto said, her tone serious, "I think I need to try a more advanced technique on you. Something… revolutionary." She leaned down, whispering in his ear, "I call it… the Ramen Chakra Pulse."

Sasuke's eyes widened in alarm. "The what?"

Naruto didn't wait for his response. She pressed her hands against his chest, her face set in fierce concentration. "Focus on the warmth of ramen… visualize the noodles… the broth… just let it flow through you. Dattebayo." She shut her eyes, as if willing Sasuke to miraculously heal through the sheer force of her ramen obsession.

Sasuke struggled to keep his composure, his face twisted in panic. "This… this can't be happening…"

Across the room, Jiraiya's muffled laughter grew louder, shaking with amusement. "Naruto… is this really your idea of healing?"

Naruto opened one eye, looking vaguely offended. "Pervy Sage, I'm trying my best here. Besides, sometimes you have to think outside the bowl. That's what true geniuses do. Dattebayo."

Sasuke clenched his fists, glaring up at the ceiling as if appealing to any higher power that might intervene. "If I survive this, I swear, I'll never complain about training with Kakashi again…"

Naruto gave him a reassuring pat on the shoulder, but her stiff robotic gesture only added another bruise. Her hands were still glowing with a flickering, unsteady chakra. "Relax, Bastard. You're in good hands. Now, if I could just figure out how to make the broth flow through you…"

Tsunade finally had enough. She stomped over, yanking Naruto away with a look of pure frustration. "Alright, that's enough. You're going to kill him before you heal him. Healing is not about ramen. It's about control, skill, and dedication to the art—not culinary fantasies!"

Naruto pouted slightly, crossing her arms. "But ramen makes everything better…"

Tsunade sighed, giving Naruto a stern look. "Listen carefully, Naruto. I'll give you one week. Medic-nin aren't just ramen-addicted maniacs, they're—people who put the patients before themselves. So one week and prove if you are really as good as you say. "

Naruto's eyes narrowed. "Fine, Granny, but one day, I'm telling you, I'll find a way to combine healing and ramen, and it's going to be legendary. And when I do, you'll be begging to be healed with my ramen techniques. Dattebayo."

Û~Û

Author Note: Well, that was something.

I hope you liked this chapter.

I plan on updating more than ten stories of mine this weekend. Stay tuned for more!

Next chapter: The Sannin and an Android.