A New Mission
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The group made their way through the village gates, with Tsunade, Shizune, Sasuke, and Jiraiya striding confidently up front. Behind them, Naruto trudged along, her face an emotionless mask, her eyes half-lidded but alert, scanning the cheering crowd like she was inspecting a row of cabbages.
As they walked, villagers gathered, clapping and chanting, "Lady Tsunade! Lady Tsunade!" Flowers were tossed, streamers fluttered. It was a royal welcome for the new Hokage. Tsunade waved her hand lazily, while the crowd continued chanting her name louder and louder.
Naruto, meanwhile, blinked slowly, her face unreadable. She lifted her hand half-heartedly and called out in a monotone, "Yes, yes. Praise her. Praise Lady Tsunade. She is… exceptional. But perhaps, you could also acknowledge me. I, too, saved the village. And brought the new Hokage. Dattebayo."
Her voice faded as not a single head turned in her direction. It was as if she were invisible.
Sighing heavily, she muttered to herself, "So ungrateful villagers…" She then looked up at the sky, her expression deadpan. "Fine. I shall seek ramen. It shall console me."
With that, she shuffled away from the celebration, making a beeline for Ichiraku's.
Upon reaching Ichiraku's, Naruto pulled back the curtain and froze. Sitting on a stool in the far corner was Hinata, her head bowed, looking as miserable as a wilting daisy.
Naruto stared at her blankly, then tilted her head ever-so-slightly, like a confused owl. She stepped forward and loomed over Hinata, examining her face without a shred of subtlety. After a few seconds, Naruto leaned down and asked, in her flat, robotic tone, "Are there chillies in your eyes?"
Hinata gasped, practically leaping off her stool, clutching her chest as if she'd just seen a ghost. "N-Naruto!" she squeaked, her face turning a shade of red that almost matched the ramen broth. "You… y-you startled me!"
Naruto blinked, unfazed. "Startling was unintended. However, your eyes appear… leaky. Is this the result of spicy noodles?"
"No! No, not at all!" Hinata waved her hands, her cheeks still pink. "I'm… I'm just a little… distracted, that's all."
Naruto tilted her head a fraction more, her stare intense. "Distracted by what?"
"Um…" Hinata fumbled, her fingers nervously twisting together. She took a deep breath, trying to muster her courage. "Naruto… do you… still, um… like… girls?"
Naruto blinked, her expression as blank as a stone wall. "I like ramen."
Hinata's face fell just a little, her eyes looking almost… defeated. "Oh… I didn't mean… food," she whispered, her cheeks turning an even deeper shade of red. "I… I meant… love."
Naruto stared at her for a long moment, processing the words. Then, she looked down at her bowl and gave a slow, deliberate nod. "Yes. I love miso ramen."
Hinata stared at her, jaw dropping slightly. "No, no, I meant… like, real… feelings. Love. You know… with another person."
Naruto tilted her head, looking almost thoughtful in her stiff way. "Hmm. But what is real love, if not the warmth of a bowl of miso? The aroma. The texture. The… satisfaction." Her gaze turned oddly intense. "Miso ramen… it fills the heart."
Hinata's cheeks flushed with both frustration and disappointment. "That's not what I meant at all!" she stammered, looking utterly flustered. "Y-you're impossible, Naruto!"
Naruto blinked at her, then shrugged, entirely unaffected. "I am often told I am impossible." She watched as Hinata huffed and stormed off, her footsteps fast and flustered. "Because I make them possible. Dattebayo."
Naruto gave another blank shrug. "Human emotions complicated." She turned back to the counter, looking at Teuchi. "Twenty bowls of ramen. Now."
Teuchi raised an eyebrow, a smirk tugging at his lips. "Twenty bowls? What kinds?"
Naruto blinked slowly, considering. "All kinds. I shall sample them all."
Teuchi chuckled, shaking his head. "Coming right up."
As she waited, her gaze focused, as usual, on nothing in particular. But her strange meal order had attracted a familiar voice.
"Well, if it isn't the little thief— Naruto!" Ino's voice rang out as she walked up to the counter, hands on her hips, a smug grin on her face. "You know you still owe me money for that dress I bought you!"
Naruto turned to look at her, blinking once, then twice, in her stiff, almost mechanical way. With no change in her blank expression, she reached into her pocket and calmly placed a large wad of bills on the counter. "Here. Payment fulfilled. Dattebayo."
Ino stared, utterly speechless. "Where did you even get… this much cash?"
Naruto's eyes shifted back to her ramen, her tone as deadpan as ever. "I am a Jounin now. Dattebayo."
Ino's eyes nearly popped out of her head. "Wait, what? So, Shikamaru wasn't lying?! You're… you're really a Jounin now?"
Naruto nodded slowly, her expression neither proud nor humble. "Indeed. It is… reality."
Ino's expression shifted as quickly as a weather vane in a hurricane. She immediately threw her arm around Naruto's shoulder, flashing a wide grin. "Oh, well look at you! Fancy Jounin, all grown up! You know, you've never really been to the shopping district with me. And I bet you've never eaten at the new restaurant that just opened up. Or… I mean, just look at you. Wearing that weird dress all the time." She gave Naruto a pointed once-over.
Naruto tilted her head, unbothered. "This dress is… efficient."
"Oh, no, no, Naruto, that just won't do!" Ino tsked, shaking her head. "You're practically a hero now. You need more than just 'efficient.' You need style!"
At that moment, Ayame, Teuchi's daughter, walked over with Naruto's first bowl, overhearing the conversation. She gave Naruto an amused smile. "She's right, you know. You really do need more clothes than… whatever that is."
Naruto looked down at her dress, her face as blank as a piece of wood. She lifted her gaze back to Ayame and Ino with a robotic sigh, her voice flat. "Fine. I shall acquire more garments."
Û~Û
Returning to her cluttered, chaotic excuse for an apartment, Naruto shoved the door open with her usual stiff, robotic precision. She stood there, her blank, expressionless gaze sweeping across the room like a high-powered scanner. The smell of instant ramen and some kind of half-hearted cleaning product hung in the air, swirling together in a strange, vaguely unsettling fragrance that could only be described as "Naruto's signature scent." Yet, despite Karin's sworn allegiance to the sacred art of tidying up, the apartment looked exactly like it had the day before: a complete disaster.
On the couch—Naruto's couch, mind you—Karin lay sprawled out like she owned the place, legs kicked up, nose buried in a bright, glossy manga. She looked up lazily, giving Naruto a grin that was somewhere between amused and downright mocking.
"Oh, you're back!" she chirped, far too cheerful for someone who was supposed to be, at the very least, a little intimidated by the apartment's stoic robot-in-residence.
Naruto blinked, her face blank, like an emotionless doll. "Dattebayo."
She blinked again. Then, after a calculated pause, she narrowed her eyes, fixing Karin with an unnerving stare that could only be described as… robotic suspicion. "Report on… cleaning status."
Karin rolled her eyes and scoffed, turning her attention back to her manga with a dismissive little wave of her hand. "Ha."
Naruto's blank expression didn't waver. If anything, her eyes narrowed even more, like she was attempting to drill into Karin's soul with pure, unnerving focus. "Plants?" she asked, her voice a deadpan monotone.
Karin shrugged, barely looking up. "Watered. They didn't die. Yet."
Naruto's gaze drifted to the corner where her single cactus leaned sideways, looking like it was two sad days away from quitting on life. She tilted her head, clearly registering this as "satisfactory," then turned her eyes back to Karin. "Toilet?" she asked, her voice carrying the weight of an interrogation.
"Sparklin' like a gem," Karin replied dryly, still lost in her manga. "Could eat Ramen there."
Naruto gave a robotic nod of approval. "And… the rare ramen soup I had hidden… behind the cabinet?"
Karin smirked without even looking up. "Yup. Collected every last drop."
Naruto squinted slightly, like she was calculating whether this counted as theft or merely acceptable resource gathering. "Good," she said finally, moving closer and fixing her gaze on the manga in Karin's hands. Her expression shifted from robotic disinterest to… a slightly more focused robotic disinterest.
"What… are you reading?" she asked, her voice flat as an ironing board.
"Oh, this?" Karin flipped the manga cover around like she was showing off some treasured possession. "It's called Rent-a-Girlfriend."
Naruto tilted her head, blinking as though processing this absurd title was the hardest thing she'd done all week. "Explain… plot," she demanded in that flat, almost eerie tone.
Karin rolled her eyes, sighing dramatically. "It's about this guy who's so pathetically desperate that he rents a girlfriend. And then, you know, things get… complicated."
Naruto stared at her, utterly unimpressed. "Why… would anyone do that?" she asked in a tone that suggested she genuinely believed this was the stupidest thing she'd ever heard. "Sounds… inefficient."
Karin chuckled, glancing at her with a smirk. "Well, not everyone's got that robotic charm like you, Naruto."
Naruto tilted her head again, processing this in a way that made it clear she took it as a compliment. "Dattebayo." Then, with an almost mechanical shift in her eyes, she leaned forward slightly. "Where did… you get the money… for this?"
Karin's expression changed instantly, her body tensing up. "Well, since you don't exactly give me an allowance, I decided to, you know, work. At the hospital."
Naruto's blank face held steady, but her eyes narrowed slightly, like she was considering some vast philosophical question. "Oh," she said flatly. Then, with a slow, deliberate nod, she added, "Should I… charge you rent… now?"
Karin's eyes widened, and she quickly held out the manga, practically shoving it in Naruto's face. "Here! Why don't you read this? It's… it's hilarious!"
Naruto blinked, staring at the book as though it were some kind of exotic, dangerous artifact. "No," she stated flatly, stepping back with a stiffness that could only belong to her. But Karin was relentless, waving the book in front of her until Naruto finally gave in with a resigned, "Fine. Dattebayo."
Gingerly, she took the manga, holding it as though it might explode at any second. She flipped open to the first page with all the enthusiasm of someone inspecting suspicious paperwork. Her blank expression grew progressively blanker as she skimmed the pages, her face starting to flush—not with emotion, but with pure, unadulterated confusion. It was almost like the ink itself was short-circuiting her system.
Karin tilted her head, watching her intently. "Wait… you can't read Kanji letters, can you?" she asked, eyebrow raised.
Naruto's face immediately froze, her eyes darting around as though looking for a quick escape. "U-uh…" she stammered, followed by an awkward, flat, "Dattebayo."
Karin's grin widened, like a predator who'd just cornered its prey. "Ohhh, I knew it! You can't read, can you?"
Naruto's eyes darted around again as she struggled to keep her robotic cool. "Can too," she replied, trying to sound calm but failing miserably. "I… just don't feel like it. Dattebayo."
Karin laughed, shaking her head with an exasperated grin. "Sure, Robot Queen. I'll teach you, but…" She leaned closer, her grin turning sly. "It'll cost you a tuition fee."
Naruto's blank stare remained steady, but you could almost hear her brain protesting from the effort of processing this. "Ninjas… don't need to read," she said, her tone an odd mix of arrogance and robotic monotony. "Words are… inefficient. Dattebayo."
Karin rolled her eyes, crossing her arms. "Oh really? And what're you gonna do when they dump a stack of mission reports in front of you, huh? You think the Hokage can be illiterate?"
Naruto sighed, the sound so mechanical it almost seemed rehearsed. "Fine," she muttered, visibly deflated. "But… only 100 ryo per month. Dattebayo."
Karin snorted, crossing her arms and tilting her head with a smirk. "A hundred? Pfft, yeah right. Make it 6,000."
Naruto's eye twitched, her expression momentarily slipping as she stared at Karin like she'd just suggested trading her soul. "Unreasonable," she replied stiffly. "200."
"5,000," Karin countered, her grin widening.
"300. Final offer," Naruto said, her voice still completely monotone but somehow managing to convey an air of robotic arrogance.
Karin chuckled, leaning forward. "3,000. And I'll even make you flashcards."
Naruto fell silent, her stare becoming a bit too intense, as if calculating the exact market value of flashcards in ryo. After a painstakingly long silence, she nodded robotically. "Agreed. 3,000 ryo… per month. But… if I do not improve in two months, I am eligible for… full refund. Dattebayo."
Karin laughed, extending her hand with a grin. "Deal, Robot Queen."
Naruto shook her hand with a stiff nod, her robotic pride dented but somehow still intact. As they stood there, sealing this ridiculous contract, you could almost hear the gears in Naruto's head whirring, trying to comprehend how she'd just been swindled by the person who was supposed to be cleaning her apartment.
Û~Û
The grand Hokage inauguration ceremony was in full swing, with villagers crowding every available inch of the village square. Banners waved, the air was filled with cheers, and the energy was almost contagious. Almost. That is, if you weren't a certain white haired, robotic ninja sulking near the back with a look of pure, mechanical disinterest.
In the center of all the commotion, the Old Man—the Third Hokage, that is—stood beside a rather unenthused Tsunade. He held the Hokage hat with reverence, practically beaming as he declared, "With honor and great pride, I pass this hat to Lady Tsunade, the Fifth Hokage!"
The crowd went wild, people were cheering, clapping, whistling, and generally acting like Tsunade had just saved the world. Everyone was grinning ear-to-ear… except for one person. One person who huffed so loud it could probably be heard over the entire village if anyone bothered to listen.
Naruto crossed her arms, watching the ceremony with an expression so deadpan that it almost made you wonder if she was alive. "Tsunade doesn't deserve this," she muttered to herself, voice dripping with robotic arrogance. "This is ridiculous. She has zero qualifications. Dattebayo."
Kiba, standing nearby, glanced at her with a smirk. "What's wrong, Naruto? Jealous much?"
Naruto's blank eyes turned to him, and she tilted her head slowly, like she was calculating whether he was even worth acknowledging. "Jealous? Impossible," she said in her typical monotone, not a hint of emotion. "I would make a far superior Hokage. Tsunade is… inefficient."
Kiba rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Keep telling yourself that, Robo-Naruto."
Naruto's gaze went back to the stage, and she let out a loud, robotic huff. "It's unfair. Tsunade has no idea what it takes to lead this village to greatness," she continued, mostly to herself. "I, however, am practically Hokage material already. I have… unparalleled skills. Dattebayo."
Hinata, who was standing on Naruto's other side, gave a small, shy smile. "Um… maybe you'll be Hokage one day too, Naruto…"
Naruto glanced at her, barely moving her head. "Perhaps," she replied in a stiff tone. "But it would be deserved, not handed over like some random participation trophy. Dattebayo."
Meanwhile, on the stage, Tsunade accepted the hat with a grumble, shooting a glare at the Old Man. "You just want an excuse to retire and go fishing, don't you?" she muttered.
The Sandaime chuckled, patting her on the back. "Come on now, 'Lady Tsunade'. You're going to do great!"
Tsunade rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah. If I hear one more person call me 'Lady' Tsunade, I'm gonna punch something."
From the back, Naruto muttered loudly, "Not my Old Man."
Sakura, who was standing nearby, shot her a glare. "Would you stop? Tsunade's actually strong, you know. Maybe you should try respecting her for once."
Naruto's robotic eyes shifted to Sakura, staring her down with zero emotion. "Respect is earned, not given freely. Besides, if they really wanted someone strong, they would have chosen me. I am… the obvious choice. Dattebayo."
Sakura groaned, facepalming. "Sometimes I wonder if you're even from this planet, Naruto."
That evening, Naruto had just settled into her usual evening routine of glaring at nothing in particular when a messenger arrived at her door, looking nervous as he delivered a formal summons. "The Fifth Hokage wants to see you," he stammered, already sweating under her blank stare.
Naruto raised an eyebrow, looking at the slip of paper with disinterest. "This… better be worth my time," she muttered. "I am not a fan of… time-wasting."
As she made her way to the Hokage's office, her walk was as stiff and mechanical as ever. She pushed open the door to find a familiar group already assembled: Kakashi-sensei, looking as laid-back as ever; Bushy Brows, a.k.a. Lee, practically vibrating with excitement; and Sakura, who was glancing around with an eager smile. Then, at the head of the table, sat Tsunade, already looking mildly annoyed.
Naruto strode in with all the grace of a malfunctioning robot, stopping dead in the center of the room. "This… better be worth it," she declared in a flat tone. "I do not have time to waste. Dattebayo."
Kakashi raised an eyebrow, glancing at her with his typical lazy eye-smile. "Good to see you too, Naruto."
Lee struck a pose, eyes blazing with enthusiasm. "Naruto! The flames of youth burn brightly in you today!"
Naruto's face remained as expressionless as ever. "Please refrain from… poetic statements. They are… inefficient. Dattebayo."
Tsunade rolled her eyes, waving a hand dismissively. "Alright, enough with the dramatics," she said, clearly already regretting her new title. "You all have a mission. This one is… a bit unusual."
Naruto blinked, her robotic eyes zeroing in on Tsunade. "A mission?" She tilted her head, processing this. "Interesting. As long as it does not waste my valuable time."
Tsunade sighed, looking at her like one might look at an overly complicated machine. "Right. Anyway, the mission is to guard Yukie Fujikaze, the famous actress, while she's filming her new movie."
Naruto blinked slowly, her eyes widening just a fraction as she processed this information. "A… famous actress?" She tilted her head, her expression becoming almost… intrigued. "I see. The actress will likely be… impressed by my unparalleled abilities."
Kakashi gave her a gentle nudge. "Focus, Naruto."
Tsunade continued, her patience wearing thin. "You'll be protecting her from Doto Kazahana and his gang of goons who have… less than honorable intentions."
Naruto's eyes narrowed slightly, her mechanical brain already picturing the dramatic fight scenes and triumphant victory over these "goons." "Understood," she said, a faint hint of pride slipping into her monotone. "The actress will be… astonished by my excellence. She may even request me as the main star. Dattebayo."
Sakura snorted. "Yeah, keep dreaming, Naruto."
Naruto turned to Sakura, her gaze piercing in its intensity. "Dreams are for the inefficient. This is… inevitable."
Kakashi chuckled, patting her on the shoulder. "Well, you certainly don't lack confidence."
Lee clenched his fists, eyes blazing with passion. "To protect an actress with all the fiery spirit of youth! I am honored!"
Naruto barely reacted, instead turning her attention back to Tsunade. "I assume… I am team leader."
Tsunade raised an eyebrow, barely holding back a smirk. "Actually, Kakashi is the team leader. You, Naruto, are… second in command."
Naruto blinked, looking mildly insulted. "Second? This is… an insult to my capabilities. Kakshi is unworhy."
Kakashi held up his hands, giving her a calming smile. "Don't worry, Naruto. You'll get your chance to shine."
Naruto gave a mechanical nod, but she was clearly still disgruntled. "Very well. The actress will undoubtedly recognize my… superior qualities. She will see that I am not second but… primary. Dattebayo."
Sakura rolled her eyes, looking at her with a smirk. "Oh, I'm sure she'll be very impressed by your… robot skills."
Ignoring her, Naruto's mind was already racing with grand images of her standing heroically next to the actress, Yukie Fujikaze, while she gazed at Naruto with admiration and awe. "She will probably insist on casting me as the main actress in her movie. I am… magnificent, after all. Dattebayo."
Kakashi gave her an amused sigh. "Yes, I'm sure she'll see your… unique qualities."
Naruto's eyes glazed over in robotic fascination, and she stood there, slightly drooling as she imagined her inevitable rise to stardom. The others exchanged glances, Sakura holding back a snicker, while Kakashi looked resigned, and Lee practically beamed with excitement.
"Well then," Kakashi said, breaking her trance. "Let's get this show on the road. We're taking the mission."
Naruto blinked back into focus, nodding stiffly. "Excellent. This movie shall reach… new heights with my presence. Dattebayo."
Sakura shook her head, muttering to herself. "This is going to be a long mission…"
As they all exited the office, Naruto strode ahead with a proud, robotic gait, clearly envisioning herself as the future star of the big screen.
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Û~Û
Author Note:
I hope you liked this chapter. It was reaaally fun to write. Changed a few things from the movie. Dattebayo.
Next chapter: Android in the Land of Snow: Part I
Thanks for reading this chapter. Stay tuned for more.
Till next time!
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