Erza was right. Mercury was awful at keeping secrets.

The ones that he'd held away so desperately from the Thunder God Tribe had all long come to light. They might not have even been quite so hidden as he'd thought in the first place; Bixlow knew about the marking on his chest before Mercury had showed him, and Evergreen, somehow, had known that he had a wife and child.

'A woman's instinct,' she had said.

Mercury quietly took aside each of his three former friends and explained to them what he had told Laxus. He didn't add anything that he had learned from Edolas. It was still too fresh, cutting too deep, and he wasn't certain he could explain it in a way that would stop them from worrying.

(As if that was possible in the first place. Fried was the number one worrywart in the world when it came to Laxus and Mercury's health, and it wasn't like Bixlow and Evergreen weren't close behind.)

But the three of them didn't press for answers, even when the answers he was giving didn't make a ton of sense.

It wasn't as though he was keeping the most recently gained knowledge from them because he didn't want them to know, though. Mercury had all the intent to tell each of them – to tell the whole guild, actually. He just wasn't sure how to go about it without making a huge deal of the whole thing; the last thing he wanted was to become the center of attention for something he actually preferred to keep quiet about in the first place.

Besides, there was one person who deserved to know first.

Laxus.

So, Mercury sat down in his house to write the man a letter. He wasn't sure if it would even find him, wasn't even sure where the man was, but he wrote it anyway.

It took him a long time.

There was no desk within Mercury's house, so he was stuck writing on his kitchen countertop, which had grown a thick layer of dust on top of it from disuse. The last time the water mage had used it had been back when the Thunder God Tribe was still whole – over six years ago. Very rarely was he home long enough to keep it clean. Even when he was home, he cared little to actually do it; this place was a house, not a home.

The first time he had tried to write his letter, the words spilled from his pen like a twister. Everything made it into the letter, every individual train of thought, the handwriting rough and shaky; his hands trembled as he made each pen stroke, touching mind to hand and pen to paper while thinking back to the events of the last week.

Edolas.

His conversation with Porlyusica.

The bitterness that still laid within his skin over Lisanna's return.

Fuck, he was pathetic. He was angry at a girl, and for what? For living? For not staying over on the other side, while Mercury had to live in Earthland without Marissa and Chloe? Without his family?

For the last goddamn time, they're not your –

In his hand, the pen exploded. Jagged plastic parts dug into his fingers, his writing hand stained black with copious amounts of ink. He hadn't realized how hard he was gripping it, or maybe he'd subconsciously latched onto the liquid ink within with his magic, stirring it with his turbulent emotions.

It didn't matter. Ink covered the page, the words beneath unreadable.

Mercury scrapped the first letter.

His second attempt came a couple of days later. The exploding pen had been his one and only – not an expensive one or anything, though it had been a gift from Fried at some point – and he kept forgetting to purchase new ones on his way back from the guild. His days, though drearier with the combination of the newest "threat" on his shoulders and the cold grip of winter, became much busier. Mercury kept himself busier.

He was trying to learn the sword properly, for one. There was no guarantee how much longer he could rely on that swirling magic within his chest, and a decent grasp on a melee weapon was a must if he wanted to defend himself. It wasn't like he was planning to go on any more jobs, but Fairy Tail always seemed to get into endless amounts of trouble, even when – no, especially when they weren't looking for it.

He was always so tired when he went back that the pen kept slipping his mind. True to her word, Erza had been giving him lessons, and he felt like a kid again, taking instructions on how to hold a sword and how to swing it so that it didn't hurt his wrists. It was tough, like she'd said. Mercury's hands were calloused and worn down by the end of each day. He refused to use Marissa's father's sword – at least, not against real, heavy targets – because he was worried that it would break and he'd lose one of the few mementos he'd been able to keep to remind himself that it hadn't all been a dream.

Eventually, he just asked to borrow a pen from Mira.

She always had a stash behind the bar because that's where she now did her share of Master's paperwork – since, for some reason, it had recently been decided that it would be distributed between Mercury, Mira, and the Master himself, instead of just Mercury and Makarov – so she handed one over easily without much of a question. He thanked her, then retreated to the second floor, where no one was hanging out because it was the middle of the day and people should have been out on jobs.

But the second letter also ended in failure.

Mercury's approach the second time around was much more structured. He wanted to explain everything that happened in Edolas, because he thought Laxus would get a kick out of the situation with Dorma Anim. He also wanted to mention Marissa, and maybe even Chloe, and though the description that eventually came out onto the paper was long and wordy, it came out exactly how he'd intended to describe it – Marissa's somewhat gentle demeanor, and bit of nativity that Laxus would surely laugh at, but also how much she loved her own version of her father.

It took a while for him to think everything out. He wasn't sure how to bring up everything that happened afterwards, pen stalling on the paper multiple times until a large dot of ink marred the white paper.

Mercury ignored it, pressing on. Forcing the pen to keep moving.

The guild below started to fill up slowly as the midday sun sank into the sky and people finished up with their days. Romeo came sprinting through the doors right after school even though his father hadn't yet returned from a several day job, simply soaking in the attention that the guild – his absolute idols – gave him. Team Natsu returned not much later, with Lucy characteristically bemoaning her rent and how they'd have to use their whole reward to pay for damages. It seemed like Mercury's paperwork would soon be growing, so he knew he had to finish the letter sooner rather than later. Mira, Elfman, and Lisanna came back from a day on the town around dinner time, the three siblings trying to make up for the time they had lost during the youngest's death.

Would all of them remember him when he was gone?

The thought was like a jolt of lightning into his brain, sending shivers down his spine. Mercury's hands trembled as though they were dipped in ice despite the warm jacket he had tugged on his shoulders.

Would the guild care when he died?

Something in him screamed – Yes! Yes they would! Erza literally just told you people cared! – but the louder part was still a harsh whisper, reminding Mercury of just who he was. Of just what he was.

He wasn't like them. It was so abundantly clear – that was the whole reason he was writing the stupid letter that laid on the table in front of him, because he wasn't like them and he was dying for it. Mercury sat up on the second floor, staring down at the happy family that gathered below.

He knew that Fairy Tail was not a mere family connected by blood. They were connected by their bonds, by their friendships – by their love for one another. They would sacrifice their own wellbeing if it meant their found family would remain safe. The events of the past six months had made that abundantly clear. They rallied around Lucy when Phantom Lord threatened to take her away. They fought each other until they were black and blue during the Harvest Festival to try and save the girls who had been taken hostages. They took down ancient evils to protect the home of their newest member, Wendy, when they'd barely even met the girl.

But where did Mercury fit into all of that?

Was he even part of the guild? He could barely even use magic anymore. Was there a role for him in this magic guild's family?

Was Fairy Tail a house, or was it a home?

The pen dropped from his hand with a clatter that was loud in Mercury's head alone, blood suddenly pounding as his fingers reached down to brush the guild mark under his ribs, just a couple of inches below the hardening rot. Would that, too, fade away once it was engulfed? Would the memories of him follow?

Mercury put his head in his hands.

Would Laxus even want to receive a letter from a person who hadn't bothered to try to make amends? From a man who had kept everything to himself? From a man who hadn't trusted him with his own life's story?

The small part of him that was drowned out by the roaring fear in Mercury's head continued to prod, assuring him that Laxus would love to hear from him, though he couldn't hear it.

The water mage crumpled the paper underneath his fingertips, nails digging into the table underneath. Pain screeched from the tips as his nails fought between gouging out the surface and staying connected to their beds, where they belonged – but he ignored it, gripping tighter. Mercury wished he had Natsu's fire so that he could burn the paper in front of him, destroy the wishful thinking put down into words, because of course Laxus wouldn't want a reminder of the pathetic man writing them. It was Mercury's fault that the lightning mage wasn't there in the first place; if he hadn't tried to stop the fighting festival, then Laxus would be guildmaster and would still be here. Then, Mercury wouldn't even need to write the damn letter – he could have just asked.

Laxus probably resented him.

Mercury pocketed the crumpled ball of words, all-but running down the stairs to put the pen back on the bar so he could leave that awful, collapsing guild hall. He ignored Mira asking him if he was alright before he exited abruptly. It was all for their own conscience, anyway. Nobody would want to talk to a selfish, nobody mage like him who resented a girl just because she had come back from the dead rather than his dead wife or daughter.

The guild was suffocating, the weight of gazes who stared down at him with accusations digging into his back like knives.

It took the water mage… a while to calm down, even in the comfort of his own home. A long while. He became conscious of his own body again while he was sitting in the tub, the faucet running and soaking through his clothes as he rested his hands in his head. He hated it, hated it so much, but he forced himself under the harsh stream of cold water. The thickened fingers that ran through his hair didn't even seem to be his own. Only when he breathing was no longer so rapid, when the tears he hadn't even realized were coming stopped falling, did he take a step back and reevaluate everything that had rushed through his mind.

(But before that – his stomach emptied itself, and his chest burned. He hated that fucking water. Why was that the place that he had unconsciously gone to?)

Of course Fairy Tail would care.

If not for the sake of the water mage himself, they would care just because that's who they were: a guild full of so much love that they would even take in their former enemies. People with no homes found one there, in the well-worn guild hall that was covered in the scent of alcohol and people.

Fairy Tail was a guild of strays. It was the end destination for people who had found themselves lost, with no one to turn to. Mavis Vermillion had founded the guild on the concept of love, and surely she wouldn't be disappointed with how it came out.

And of course Laxus would want a letter, too. Mercury had promised to not let Mira be the one to tell the lightning mage that he had died. It wasn't even like that was what the letter was about, but he got the feeling that his (not-so) former friend wouldn't mind trying to catch up with him regardless.

Of course they would miss him when he was gone.

The ball of paper in his pocket was so crumpled, the words so dribbled and squished together within his sopping wet jacket that it was completely unreadable. Ink angrily stained his skin. And he still didn't have a pen to use in his house.

So, attempt two was a failure.

It took a full week for him to go back for attempt number three.

By then, the harshness of winter was starting to swing in through the doorway of fall. Between the longer and longer sleeping periods that he felt himself taking, his bones weary with the cold, and the thick embarrassment that sunk into his body at the thought that Fairy Tail wouldn't miss him, another thing held him back: he was still filled with self loathing stemming from the feeling of sourness that reached his stomach when he thought of Lisanna.

She deserved to be with her family, and if not that, Mira and Elfman deserved to have their family whole again.

Mercury, on the other hand, did not.

He took some time to himself to sort through his mind, feelings jumbled. He still managed to keep himself busy – managed to force himself to remain busy; not being at the guild didn't mean he couldn't work on the sword exercises that Erza had taught him to work through, after all.

There wasn't really a need to go to the guild. Keeping his body moving was a good way to get his thoughts organized, too.

(Mercury was certainly not hiding.)

But, after nearly a whole week of remaining at his house, he missed everyone. He missed Erza's harsh yet firm instructions, missed Mira's gentle smile, missed Master's subtle, probing questions. Hell, he even missed the chaos that Natsu always brought with him. Mercury never in his whole life would have thought that the sound of ice and fire and steel colliding behind his head would be a sense of comfort, but his house that wasn't a home was much too quiet.

Maybe they were missing him too. They'd been giving him extra space recently, likely on account of the gloomy mood he had been in, but that didn't mean they didn't care – they just cared too much, and didn't know how to help.

They cared. They cared.

The guild was almost empty when he arrived. He'd nearly forgotten that the S-Class trials were upon them, so all the aspiring mages were out taking as many jobs as they could possibly handle, and as a result, the posting board was completely empty. On the other hand, though, Mira and Erza were both present, the S-Class mages wanting to remain in town so that they didn't miss the trials. Mira had returned to her duties now that she could use magic freely again.

She was really the antithesis of Mercury, wasn't she? Regaining magic, regaining family, while he now had to live without both.

He swore through his head as the negativity coursed through his body once more, nearly biting through his lip at the sight of the white haired mage. Maybe he should take over her bartending duties now that he was apparently the useless one.

The braid at his back, born of too much free time and fidgeting hands, whipped behind him as he shook those thoughts out of his head, giving his cheeks a little slap as though he was merely dreaming. He wasn't useless. Fairy Tail cared about him.

Mercury idly wondered if Gildarts was going to be coming in soon. The guild was down to only three S-Class mages with Laxus's excommunication and Mystogan's departure to Edolas.

He asked once more to borrow Mira's pen, this time, explaining that he was going to send a letter to Laxus in hopes that he couldn't chicken out. Mira gave him a small, concerned smile, much like you would give an alcoholic who was babbling about whatever was ailing them, and handed the pen over without another word.

He didn't go to the second floor this time. It was comfy, but the gentle buzz of his guild would do nothing but distract him today. The library, however, was quiet and empty, perfect for his purposes.

The pen slipped over the paper much more easily this time. He'd been thinking tirelessly about the content for the past week, organizing exactly what he wanted to include, as well as what was unnecessary.

He described Edolas; its green sky, the way it felt like the magic was being squeezed out of him, and the mad king all made it in. Versions of themselves, how he wanted to meet Laxus's alternate self. He made a disparaging comment, saying that the other version of Laxus was probably a coward. Then there was a faint outline of what had actually happened.

Mercury couldn't quite put the feeling of Dorma Anim into words, but tried his best, and he wasn't too unsatisfied with the result. Afterwards came the section about Marissa. It was shorter than the last time he'd tried to write it, the words reduced down to the barest minimum of what he needed to describe the girl. She's not my daughter, he wrote, but I'm glad I got to see her all grown up.

The part where he wrote about Chloe was even shorter than the interaction with the woman itself had been.

It was the section about himself that was the hardest to write. How exactly would he put it into words when a week's worth of thinking hadn't gotten him much closer than describing his feelings to himself? Even though he'd planned the whole thing in his head over and over again, that section had always failed to get the right flow to it, so he trusted his heart and the alcohol to take over for him.

First, the Typonnes. Briefly. They weren't the same as him, but they were a start. Then, his passing out, where he left out cardiac arrest entirely and instead wrote that his senses were overwhelmed by the magic, describing Magic Hypersensitivity, and followed that with an explanation of Magic Deficiency.

The pen faltered once when he came to the topic of his own death.

It's not imminent, but it is slowly approaching. I'll be fine until you figure it all out, was all he wrote about when it would come, because that was as accurate as he could get. The marking on his chest hadn't grown since their return from Edolas. He'd taken to outlining the edges out in the mornings with a pen just so he could be sure, and they remained comfortably on the border of the brand.

He didn't want to worry Laxus, but he still wanted the lightning mage to know. Just in case.

(He's not dying, he's not dying, he's not dying –)

The matter of actually sending the letter would be the hard part, because he didn't know where the lightning dragon slayer was – no one did. He decided to ask the Thunder God Tribe if they have any ideas as to where he might have gone.

It took a couple more days before they returned, and coincidentally, it was on December 13th, the day the S-Class trial nominations were announced, so Mercury didn't find the chance to ask. The mood was too high, the nominees too happy and engaged with the guild for him to say anything, and that was fine.

The letter wasn't going anywhere. He wasn't going anywhere.

Natsu, Gray, and Elfman were all given to be nominated, and their partners were Happy, Loke, and Evergreen respectively – the last one surprised Mercury greatly, almost as much as Levy choosing Gajeel as her partner. Fried, too, was unsurprising as a nomination, his choice of partner in Bixlow also as expected. Cana and Lucy paired up. Juvia and Lisanna followed.

The most surprising pair was Mest and Wendy. Mercury wasn't sure when the Magic Council infiltrator even found the time to befriend the young dragon slayer, or if it was just a trick of memory manipulation magic; regardless, he'd be having a conversation with Mest when they returned from the trials. He wouldn't return unless something had prompted him to, and with Fairy Tail's recent luck, Mest was trying to do to them exactly what he was doing to the Council – double crossing.

Two days later, on December 15th, the nominees and S-Class mages left for Tenrou Island. Mercury sent them off at the dock even though being that close to the water's edge had his fingers feeling numb with fear, giving them a smile as they all prepared to dock.

"Erza," he called, "remember what I told you when we came back from Edolas?"

She nodded with a wicked grin as though he was going to tell her for her sake and not for his own. "Are you finally ready to spill?"

The water mage nodded, albeit with slight hesitancy. He had the words right there, floating around in his head, though he chose not to give them a voice right at that moment – it wouldn't be proper of him to weigh them all down with it now. Besides, he had plenty of time.

"Keeping secrets, are we?" Mira peeked over the edge of the boat and looked down the side to stare at the two and their private conversation, eyebrows raised in both surprise and mischievousness.

"I'll admit, I was. You'll have to wait until you get back to hear it, though."

"Are you sure you're not just making excuses to wait longer? Is it the same thing as what's in that letter you've been stressing about?"

Mercury paused. He didn't think Mira had noticed him struggling to write it, but then again, he had asked her for a pen twice.

"Mhm. It's probably not what you're thinking, though. I'll tell you after I send it, that way you have to bug me about it if I don't tell you," he said with a little wink. He didn't think they'd actually have to bother him about it, because he already felt like it was about to slip off his tongue if he wasn't careful. While the trials were going on, he'd try to locate Laxus so he could send it as soon as they got back. If he couldn't, then he'd ask Fried, Bixlow, and Evergreen for help.

He had to admit, it felt good to finally be able to tell someone a secret.

Then, Natsu had jumped in, proclaiming that he wanted to be 'in on it' too, so Mercury had promised to tell him when he told Mira and Erza.

The boat filled with the nominees, S-Class, and Master pushed from the harbor soon after, quickly fading into the distance until it was no more than a speck on the horizon. Mercury scrambled away from the docks. Part of him watched from a little further away with fear in the pit of his stomach because he could imagine the icy cold grip of the ocean tugging the ship underwater, never to be seen again, but he fought it off to make sure that the last part the ship saw of him is a goofy smile. They would be fine. The guild would be whole again once the holiday season rolled around, and they'd all be ready to exchange gifts with each other in the guild hall or in private.

It reminded him that he'd have to get around to purchasing them soon. It would be a good distraction to think of what everyone needed, because he'd never been great at gift giving. This year, he thought it would be easier – his understanding of them had deepened greatly, to the point where he was already coming up with ideas as he watched the ship disappear completely.

He wondered who would come back as S-class. Wondered when they'd be back. Mercury itched to send the letter right then and there, even though he had to actually find the lightning dragon slayer's relative location before he could get around to doing just that.

Cana had card magic, didn't she? Maybe she could tell Laxus's location from them – he vaguely remembered her doing something similar when Phantom Lord had attacked.

The sealed envelope felt incredibly heavy in Mercury's pocket.

He headed back to the guild to wait out the duration of the trials with the rest of Fairy Tail, who were already rowdy enough to even make up for the departure of the rowdiest among them. Spirits were high as they all placed bets on who would prevail; Mercury bet on Fried, partially out of a sense of loyalty and partially out of begrudging respect for the mage's rune magic. Even though the water mage had learned it, it was still incredibly difficult to use, and Fried clearly had an unrivaled mastery of it, as well as a dependable partner in Bixlow.

They stayed up late into the night, each predicting and defending their choices. Macao and Wakaba argued over whether Natsu or Gray would prevail; Jet and Droy both unanimously agreed it would be Levy. Mercury decided that it was finally fine to get out of his mopey mood, and taunted all three of them with his choice of Fried. At least Fried had been part of an S-Class group; the rest of them had, at most, only been around Erza, even if Juvia was technically a former S-Class herself.

Everyone agreed that he was biased, but that didn't stop him from arguing for the argument's sake.

A few days later, on December 18th, exactly one week before Christmas, the news that Tenrou Island had been obliterated reached the guild.

Mercury never sent the letter.

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