Chapter Eight

Leaving Is Easier Than Staying

Two weeks later…

I was there, early in the morning, to meet with Carolyn's trauma specialist outside her door. He frowned as he finally admitted he'd made a grave mistake by saying there was no more they could do for her. He laid out his thoughts for her immediate future and said he would talk to her children when they arrived.

"Thank you." I nodded my understanding, easing his confusion.

None of these highly paid doctors truly knew the depth and breadth of Carolyn's spirit and determination. I accepted his terse apology and his handshake before he shook his head and left me to deliver the good news.

I eased myself quietly into the shadowed room and went to draw back the curtains at the windows. As had become my habit of long-standing, I sat down in the chair beside her bed to watch her slowly come awake again. It was my secret pleasure to see her eyelids flutter as she opened her eyes and became aware of me sitting silently beside her.

Day by day, Carolyn was growing steadily stronger. To the amazement of her specialist medical team, who'd been anticipating the worst, she'd finally regained full consciousness.

The intubation tube had been removed from her throat and she was now able to take liquid food. She'd lost weight and her face was still pale, but she was alive and that was all that mattered.

She'd been badly injured, and her wounds would take months of convalescence to heal completely. I knew there were other injuries that did not show on her body. They were there, reflected shadows in her sea-green eyes, which studied me closely now as I sat beside her. I wanted to be the one to take care of her, but I could see she was already distancing herself from me.

"Good morning," I said quietly, watching her watch me. "How are you feeling today?"

"I'm okay…" Her hand moved restlessly outside the covers, and she sighed.

Our days had come down to this. Inwardly I wished she would say more. Ever since she'd regained full consciousness our conversations had become stilted. I was sure the regular doses of morphine she was still receiving were muddling her ability to think clearly. I worried about that too. I'd ask her questions and her answers were brief and at times a little confused.

We both danced around the truth like a pair of prize fighters too wary to engage. Of course, she had been too weak and stressed at first to be annoyed with searching questions. I still burned to ask that one question that hung between us as the biggest shadow of all. But no matter how I approached it in my mind, I could never quite formulate the right way to voice it.

'Why does your oldest child look so much like me?'

"Edward, Danny and Lucy will be here soon," I continued for something to say.

"That's good."

Carolyn's children were very diligent. They brought light and happiness into the starkly white room. They came every day and stayed until their mother confessed exhaustion. I saw the deep, abiding love they had for each other, and it gladdened my heart.

I knew they blamed me squarely for their mother's grievous injuries and I couldn't fault those conclusions. That world was a dangerous place. I well understood their grave concerns for Carolyn's future. They'd already indicated they did not expect me to figure anywhere in her life going forward. I couldn't fight that logic either.

They were a close-knit team, and they'd closed rank around Carolyn. I knew I had no place there. Not unless their mother allowed me in and told me what she was thinking and what she wanted. Her children would respect her wishes.

Of course, I was painfully aware I should bow out gracefully and leave them to it. But returning to my previous life at FLAG no longer held any appeal for me. I'd handed in my resignation, effective immediately. Jennifer Knight telephoned me to express her deep disappointment with my decision, but she also knew my reasons and sent me her heartfelt wishes for Carolyn's full recovery. We left it there, both knowing we were now on different sides. The board moved swiftly to replace me permanently with Jones who, even now, was slashing and burning his way through everything Wilton and I had built.

For the first time in thirty years, I was a free agent, to go or do whatever I chose. It was an oddly unsettling feeling. I'd spent days and weeks mentally reviewing my options. I was no longer young like Michael with youthful vigour to offer any potential employer. Of course, I no longer needed to work full-time, from before dawn to well past sunset. I could now indulge myself in any way I chose.

I sat back in my chair as a new thought came into my mind. I'd always enjoyed taking photographs. I had a drawer stuffed full of shots I'd taken over the years in the extensive grounds of the FLAG headquarters. Some of them were half decent and I knew I could do better. I shrugged. Maybe there was a future there for me now. Something to occupy my hands and restless mind.

The previous morning, Michael and Stevie came to say their final goodbyes to both of us. There were lots of tears and heartfelt thanks.

"If it hadn't been for your bravery…" Stevie clung to Carolyn's hand. "I'm just so sorry that you got mixed up in it all. But you're gonna be all right. Right, Devon?"

She looked to me for confirmation, and I cautiously relieved her concerns. "The doctors say Carolyn will make a full recovery as long as she doesn't overdo things."

"No one around here allows me to do anything," Carolyn complained quietly, frowning at me.

"At least, Rolands will pay for what he did to you. And more besides," Michael added. "I made sure of that."

"I'm so glad you didn't kill him…" Carolyn took Michael's hand. "I didn't want that."

"Blame Kitt," he replied grimly. "I was happy to beat the life out of the man's worthless hide for what he did to you and others. I came close to doing it too. But Kitt said that I wouldn't be able to live with myself."

"Then, thank you, Kitt," Carolyn added quietly, looking toward the window.

"You're very welcome, Mrs Bridges," the car replied through the commlink Michael was now wearing again. "It is wonderful to hear you sounding so much better. We have all been deeply worried. I would not have you get hurt for the world. I am so very sorry it happened at all. It was a serious lapse in security."

"I am better, thank you," Carolyn replied quietly. "And I will get better still. And my name is Carolyn."

"Thank you, Carolyn," Kitt said, his tone full of warmth. "I shall treasure our time together. It is truly very hard to say goodbye."

"But we're only a phone call away…" Stevie bent down to kiss Carolyn's pale cheek. "Should you ever need us…" She returned to her husband's side to hug him tightly.

"Yeah, should you ever need us…" Michael divided his questioning glance between us. "Kitt can have us here in a flash. Just say the word."

"I'll keep that in mind." I shrugged.

It wasn't up to me. It was all about what Carolyn wanted from now on. If only she'd tell me what that was. She knew I was desperate to take good care of her, but she kept denying me the right to do so.

"I'm truly sorry for overstepping things with your personal details like I did," Michael admitted then, shaking his head. "But, at the time, it all seemed a little too neat, your sudden reappearance in Devon's life. I hope you will be able to forgive me one day. I truly meant no harm and I'm very sorry you got caught up in it all and got so badly hurt."

"I can forgive you now," Carolyn replied quickly, seeing the consternation in his eyes. "At the time I was deeply hurt and angry. But I can understand your motives."

"Thank you…" Stevie breathed, bending down to kiss Carolyn's pale cheek. "We're so sorry you got hurt. It still gives me nightmares."

"Yes, thank you. I truly won't forget what you did for us…" Michael nodded before turning to look at me.

He could see how all this was affecting me. The inaction, the waiting for the course of my new life to be finally sorted out for the better or worse. He shrugged, giving me his silent support and looked away. He knew how much pain I was in but couldn't offer any help.

Michael and Stevie left after a flurry of goodbyes and cautious hugs. My good friend shook my hand and clasped my shoulder, silently telling me not to give up. Surely it would all work out in the end. I just had to have faith.

"You two need to talk it all out," he advised quietly, squeezing my shoulder. "Sit down and just start. What do you have to lose?"

"I know…" My breath left me in a rush. "I'll keep trying."

I could talk, no problem there. But Carolyn refused to answer me and looked at me as if she didn't want me around. But I couldn't burden Michael, not now that he'd made a clean break and gotten away from the dangerous life, he'd led for the last four years.

They took Kitt with them as they moved further up the coast to begin their new lives. They'd talked about Michael's idea of starting a private detective agency. I knew that with his police and FLAG backgrounds, Michael would be ideally suited to the work.

As the days moved on, Bonnie and RC could see the writing was on the wall at FLAG for them as well, and they'd expressed interest in joining the new firm. I wished them all well, though I would miss their uncomplicated company.

So, with a great deal of time on my hands and nowhere else I needed to be, I stayed here in this starkly white room for as long as I was wanted. FLAG had agreed to allow Carolyn to continue using their facilities for the short term, but I was now the one paying her medical bills. I could afford them.

I had spent very little of my generous FLAG salary since I'd lived and worked on the property for the last thirty years. The red sports car was my one true indulgence. I had more than enough money that I would never have to work again if I chose to retire. Or I could go out and purchase the best camera set-up money could buy and begin again.

Carolyn tolerated my continued presence. She was polite, as though I was an acquaintance just dropping by. I was bewildered by the change in the sweet, emotional, very passionate Carolyn. Now this calm, detached woman watched me with cool, almost indifferent eyes.

I tried every tactic to penetrate her cool reserve but to no avail. I had no idea of what to do next. I wasn't used to being rejected by a woman, especially Carolyn, who had made it very clear she wanted me as badly as I needed her.

It was only when she thought I wasn't watching her, or I was feigning sleep, that her need still showed. I could sense her studying me as if she couldn't make up her mind about what to do about me.

That was some sort of progress, wasn't it? I clung to the idea and tried to make it work for me.

But I couldn't ask her what she wanted, because I was deeply afraid of the truth. Blasted Schrödinger's cat has a great deal to answer for…

"I met with your doctor just now. He said you're well enough to travel. If you decide to leave. He wants to talk to your children when they arrive. You'll still need ongoing care."

"Thank you. You… don't have to stay, you know…" Carolyn moved restlessly as she watched me.

"I know…" I nodded.

She no longer allowed me to take her hand. She would pull back slightly if I reached to touch her.

I'd been shocked the first time she denied me. I wanted to say those words I had written to her in my note. 'Please don't leave me here, alone in the dark...' but they stuck in my throat. I drew a deep breath and managed to ask that one burning question.

"Carolyn…" I finally leaned forward in my chair. It was well beyond time I came straight out and asked. I didn't try to reach for her hand. "Why couldn't you tell me about Edward? Why does he look so much like me?"

She froze as she stared at me. I saw the frowning acceptance in her eyes. The time had finally come for a full confession. She drew a long breath and released it slowly, obviously trying to assemble her thoughts into a coherent whole.

"You left me there alone, on that railway platform," she replied in a flat tone. "You lied into my mouth as you kissed me goodbye. You knew you weren't coming back for me. Our masters had given their orders. I looked for you in Paris. You were never there."

She lifted one shoulder offhandedly. "And then Ian was there for me, asking me to marry him. I… didn't know then that I was already pregnant with your child. Your son."

Her sweet mouth thinned. "That same day, our masters had told me you'd been killed in a terrible accident. They showed me your… body. I couldn't take any of it in. My whole world ended then. I should have died too. But I knew I had to go on and make something of my life. Ian said he loved me, and I believed him."

I closed my eyes when I saw the tears gathering in hers. I'd always hated to see her cry. "And you felt you couldn't tell me on that day when we suddenly met up again."

"What could I say?" She continued to pluck restlessly at the bedcovers. "Hi, Devon, how nice to see you again. Great to know you aren't dead, after all. Oh, and by the way, I gave birth to your son thirty-four years ago. I see you in him every day because he looks just like you."

I was about to reply when I became aware of quiet movement behind me. I turned to look, already knowing who was there. Edward was watching and listening. He looked shocked by his mother's revelations and her unemotional, disinterested tone.

"The others have gone to get us all some coffee," he said, walking into the room and shutting the door behind him. "What's going on here? What are you two talking about? And why's Mum crying?"

I shook my head. They were all perfectly good questions that deserved answers. But they were not mine to give.

"Come here…" Carolyn held her hand out to him, drawing him down to sit on the side of her bed. "You deserve to know the truth. I am so sorry I didn't have the courage to tell you before. But then, I didn't know…" Her eyes tracked back to me. "You see, I'd been told that Devon had died all those years ago. I'd put it all behind me and moved on with my life."

She inhaled shakily. "His name was Edward back then, and we were both working for the British Secret Service in London after the war…"

Seemingly unconscious of doing so, she reached out and took my hand. I exhaled slowly, not daring to move a single muscle or show any awareness. I sat and listened carefully without comment as she told her son our story. The complete and unabridged version of our affair, our work and the unfortunate conclusion to all our hopes and dreams.

At the end of her recital, there was complete silence in the room. The man who had just been told he was my son took it quietly and without immediate comment. But his blue eyes tracked warily to mine and I could see the censure in them.

'Don't worry, I wanted to say, I've already said the same to myself. And more besides…'

Carolyn tugged her hand from my tight grasp as she became aware of Lucy and Danny standing in the open doorway. They'd heard the last of their mother's frank confession. Both turned to look at me as well.

I stood up under their unwavering scrutiny. "If there is any blame in all of this then it's mine alone. Your mother did the best she could under very difficult circumstances. I was not free to return to her."

I raised my shoulders. "Our masters had also told me that Carolyn – Lucy – was dead. That she'd died in a car accident. Until a few weeks ago I didn't know she was still alive and living in this country. And then, we met, quite by chance, in the street while I was buying a bunch of roses for a good friend…"

I swallowed tightly as I left it there. I could see they were not interested in my side of the affair. They'd already taken their stance on the opposing side.

"I see…" Edward drew a long breath and expelled it in a rush. "And you've been paying Mum's hospital bills." He waved a hand toward the door. "The nurse told me as we came in. She said we have until the end of the month and then Mum has to be out of here. But the surgeon's just told me she can leave by the end of the week if she wants to. As long as she has somewhere she can go where she can take her time to recuperate fully and be cared for."

His eyes narrowed. "He also told me Mum has to leave because you no longer have your job with the institution that owns this place."

"You've resigned from FLAG?" Carolyn gasped. "Why didn't you tell me?"

I shook my head. "It didn't seem important when your life was in such serious danger."

"Still with the secrets. You just can't help yourself…" She turned her face away from me. "Please send me the hospital receipts and I will pay you back every penny. Edward will give you the details of where you can send them."

"If that's what you want…" I stared at her, seeing her cool dismissal.

I felt the chill wind of impending loneliness blowing at my back as she looked to her children. But I felt helpless to prevent what was happening. Lucy and Danny walked to her bedside to join their brother. They presented a united front, shutting me out. I knew I no longer had a place at the bedside. It was time to leave.

"I think it's time I left LA…" Carolyn said quietly, taking her daughter's hand. "There's nothing left for me here, now. Take me home, please…"

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Six months later…

"If you're planning on overdoing things again today like you did yesterday, then you'll have me to deal with!"

I glanced up from my typewriter. I knew I looked guilty. I couldn't help it.

Maria Flores was standing in the open doorway of my study with her balled hands planted firmly on her generous hips. She was my efficient live-in housekeeper, my uncompromising nurse and my very good friend. Not always in that order. Today she was my nurse, strict and unbending.

"What more do you want?" I complained with a rueful smile. "I'm sitting down and behaving myself. I've been here the whole morning."

"And when my back is turned you get up and go for too long a walk in the hot sun," Maria accused, advancing into the room. "You forget I have my spies everywhere. You've been seen overdoing it when you should be resting. We both know you don't sleep well at night. I hear you moving around."

She jerked an accusing thumb at the covered tray beside me on the table that held my noon meal. "And you've hardly touched your la comida. It'll be cold by now. All my hard work and for what?"

"Por favor… But I… wasn't hungry," I replied quickly. "I wanted to get finished on my new outline. I just lost track of the time."

"You don't eat enough to keep a sparrow alive." Maria's accusing stare disbelieved my excuses. "And you spend far too much time in here with that Edward Grainger. You daydream about him all the time. Don't think I haven't seen you with my own eyes. You're acting like he's real or something."

"He pays the bills," I prevaricated quickly. "And your wages. I've begun to work on the idea of another trilogy now that I've sent away my last, completed manuscript."

For the first time in a long time, I began to feel a sense of anticipation. My spirits were finally lifting from the gloom of the last six months. I'd gone through more surgery on my shoulder and then several plastic surgeries to complete my full recovery. The morphine had muddled my thinking for too long. I took myself off it before my doctors were comfortable with the idea, but I refused all their efforts to prescribe more of the addictive drug.

I would get by without it and handle to consequences as they came along. The pain of my wounds and the snarling face of the gunman did stay with me for some months afterwards. But they did fade with time and determination. I would not allow either of them to define who I was.

I knew I pushed myself daily to do better and walk further because I wanted to get back to the woman I used to be. I was impatient to be her again.

My children had wanted to stay with me in my house in Santa Fe. I had to gently but firmly tell them to go back to their own lives. If I needed anything, I would call them. Maria's watchful presence was the final reassurance they needed. Their mother was safe in her stern but loving hands.

The warm, dry desert air and Maria's good home cooking and care had gradually restored my battered body. I slowly began to feel like the old me again. The woman who'd finally told her cheating husband to leave and got on with making something of her life. That had been the woman Devon had met on the sidewalk in LA when he was buying yellow roses for a very good friend.

'Devon…' seeing him again had stripped the years from me and sent me tumbling back into the past. I was twenty once more and so deeply in love with a dream…

Of course, my nightly imaginings were another matter entirely. In them, a very different 'Edward' often showed up. My escape from the memory of Devon Miles was not going to be as easy as putting some much-needed distance between us.

The last time we saw each other in that starkly white FLAG hospital room still haunted me. He knew I had decided to put him behind me again and move on. But a part of me wanted to beg him to stay, even as he walked toward the door. But the regular doses of morphine dripping into my bloodstream messed with my thinking and my ability to clearly say what I wanted. I could only watch helplessly as my children took control, thinking they were doing the right thing for me. They knew no better.

Edward's warning hand on my uninjured shoulder and my daughter's tight squeeze on my fingers were the only two things that kept me from crying out in my confusion. They knew I was a hopeless case and helplessly in love with the man who was about to leave me all over again.

They were not about to encourage him to stay. I knew they blamed him squarely for my injuries and for putting me in harm's way. I shook my head, but the fog of medication refused to clear.

I felt Lucy watching my reaction as Devon paused in the open doorway and looked back at me one last time. I could see it in his eyes that he wanted me to beg him to stay. All I had to do was open my mouth and say the words. But my dry tongue seemed to be cleaved to the roof of my mouth.

Seeing my distress, Lucy bent down and kissed my cheek as she gave me her unconditional support. Of my three children, she was the closest to me in temperament. Like me, she was an incurable romantic. She could see how much it was costing me as I struggled to make sense of it all.

"If we need anything we'll call you," Edward told Devon brusquely. "Mum's in safe hands. We'll take her home to Santa Fe where she belongs. Don't worry. We'll make sure she gets the very best of care."

"Thanks for all you've done for her," Danny added brusquely, before he stepped into my line of sight, blocking my view. "Goodbye, Mr Miles."

And that was that. The door shut abruptly behind Devon as he walked out of my life for the second time. I choked back a despairing cry. But it was no use.

Resigned to being alone again, I did my best to get on with the business of living. I was beginning to do quite well too, with the help and guidance of an unexpected friend and secret confidant who'd been with me all through these last few difficult months. Someone Maria knew nothing about.

"Where have you gone now?" she demanded to know, watching me closely. "You get that look on your face sometimes. Like you've lost something precious. Edward told me about that Devon Miles guy you met who managed to get you shot. Don't you go entertaining any more thoughts about him. He's in your past and should stay there."

Her frown was sympathetic. She didn't fool me. My lovely Maria was a bigger romantic than I was. She just hid it better beneath her no-nonsense exterior. But she'd read all my books, giving her unfettered opinion on every single one.

"That Edward…" she would often sigh as she closed my latest novel. "If I could just find a man like him…" She would shake herself from her reverie and go on with life.

"I wasn't thinking about Devon," I lied quickly, trying to control the flush of betraying heat in my cheeks. "I was just thinking… about my new trilogy. What I want Grainger to do this time. I need to take him somewhere new. Somewhere he's never been before. Then he can have a brand-new adventure while saving my next romantic couple."

"Ah ha…" Maria nodded. "Well, I'll go and make you a fresh pot of my special herbal tea. Then you will stop thinking and take your afternoon siesta. Just like your good doctor ordered."

She picked up the tray from the table and swept from the room. I looked after her ruefully. She was right, of course. Everyone had my best interests at heart. But why did it all make me feel like a recalcitrant child who constantly needed to be reprimanded, fussed over and coddled?

I was brooding on the injustice of it all when the telephone beside me on the desk suddenly rang. My heart skipped a beat as I glanced up at the clock on the wall. I hadn't been paying attention to the time of day and the hands were now pointing exactly to one o'clock.

"Right on time as always…" I shook my head in wonderment at my caller's pinpoint precision even as I reached eagerly for the receiver and picked it up to press it close to my ear. "Good afternoon. I hoped you weren't too busy to call with Christmas just around the corner. I have so much to tell you. But I'm afraid we don't have long before Maria comes back…"

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