Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 10
EPISODE 8
Air Date: October 27, 2024
"Sanguis Res" (cover of the Seinfeld episode "The Blood")
Original teleplay written by Dan O'Keefe
#TYH1008
COLD OPEN
(The instrumental to "Premonition (Intro)" by Eminem plays in the background)
The rain is pouring at the cemetery. There are now sixteen headstones to represent all sixteen Halloween episodes of "Thank You, Heavenly," but only fifteen are engraved.
The thunder claps one more time and lightning strikes the sixteenth headstone, which now reads "Sanguis Res - 10.27.2024" in blood. Fade to black.
SCENE 1
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
Fade in. The kids are eating ice cream after school. RK takes the banana from his sundae and eats it whole.
JAYLYNN: Do you have to eat it like that? It's making me sick.
RK: It's a talent, Jaylynn. You can't learn it from some stupid YouTube video. Who am I to act like I don't have it?
BUSTER: You know, I just thought about a million dollar idea. Guaranteed money.
SPARKY: What is it, Buster?
BUSTER: Ice cream you can drink. I'm telling you, it's worth a fortune.
WADE: You mean, like a root beer float?
BUSTER: No, Wade, ice cream you can drink. You have your Oreo ice cream, right? Or your mint chocolate chip? You take it, turn it into a beverage, and it makes millions.
WADE: But I'm pretty sure that-
JAYLYNN: Why do you do it to yourself?
WADE: Because I want to believe things will change, Jaylynn. They have to change!
RK: You know what I could go for right now? A sundae.
SPARKY: You literally just had one.
RK: Doesn't feel like it. I need Woody to go in on the hot fudge this time. If he skimps on it, I'll know.
RK struggles to get out of his seat and holds onto the table for balance.
RK (CONT.): Hoo boy, I love these tables.
WADE: RK, do you need something? Some antacids, probably?
RK: No, are you kidding me? I've never felt better. Then again, I've been losing energy quicker lately. And my pants aren't fitting the way they used to. If I knew what the problem was, I'd fix it, but who knows?
RK walks over to the register.
RK (O.S.) (CONT.): Woody! Give me some motivation!
WADE: That's the third time in two weeks he's needed a table for leverage.
BUSTER: What do you think his problem is? He has vertigo?
JAYLYNN: No, he just needs to lose a couple pounds. Maybe exercise a little more.
BUSTER: But that's not going to cure his vertigo. Or maybe it will.
SPARKY: So, who's going to tell him?
WADE: He's my best friend, so I'll do it. I know how to have these conversations.
RK walks over to the guys with his sundae.
RK: Can you believe Woody? He already knew I would come back for another round, so he planned ahead. What a guy.
RK starts to eat the sundae when the guys look at Wade, who is completely silent and looks down as he continues to eat his own sundae.
SCENE 2
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Later on, the guys look at Wade as they stand outside the restaurant.
WADE: I'm thinking a group effort will alleviate some of the pressure.
SCENE 3
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, Bitch Clock pinches himself as he walks out of the kitchen. Sparky's on the couch watching TV, but his attention quickly shifts as he hears Bitch Clock making weird noises as he continues to pinch himself.
SPARKY: You're not dreaming, this is real life. Stop it.
BITCH CLOCK: I'm just trying to feel regular again. I put in a really good session at the blood bank.
SPARKY: You donate blood? How come I didn't know about this?
BITCH CLOCK: Because what you just said is a lie. Losers donate blood, I preserve it.
SPARKY: Explain.
BITCH CLOCK: What's to explain? I go to the blood bank twice a week, give up my blood, and pay the bank to keep it safe in a temperature-controlled environment.
SPARKY: Why would you waste your time storing blood that you're not even donating?
BITCH CLOCK: Sparky, I know who I am. I'm a proud alcoholic, a drug dealer, an ex-con, an amazing partner in the bedroom.
SPARKY: Ewww.
BITCH CLOCK: But I'm also a fighter. I'm from the streets, man. One day, it's going to go down and either me or the other guy will be gasping for air when it's over. At least my blood will keep me around for a while.
SPARKY: I feel like I'm gasping for air whenever I talk to you.
BITCH CLOCK: That's your brain not receiving the knowledge I'm giving you. But don't worry, you'll catch up when you're older.
Bitch Clock continues to pinch himself and make weird noises as he goes upstairs.
SCENE 4
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, KG watches TV when the kids walk in.
SPARKY: Hey KG. Where's your brother?
KG: Upstairs taking a shower. Unexpected, huh?
SPARKY: What do you mean?
KG: I mean, you came here expecting to talk to RK but I was here in his usual spot. Crazy shit, wouldn't you say?
JAYLYNN: So, is RK going to be done soon? I have Jaylynn stuff to do.
KG: Probably. Just wait upstairs until he's done, I don't know. Damn.
The guys all look at each other in confusion.
SPARKY: We'll let you enjoy your show.
KG: Please.
The guys walk upstairs.
KG (CONT.): Sitting here trying to make conversation. F***ing snot-nosed kids show me no respect in my own house. And what the hell is Jaylynn stuff anyway?
SCENE 5
The Jennings Household
Interior RK's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
RK is on his phone, wearing a bathrobe and a towel around his head when he hears knocking at the door.
RK: Come in, bro.
The kids walk in.
RK (CONT.): Oh no. This is it. Look, guys, I know the government sent you here, so I just want you to know one thing: Aim for the chest, please.
SPARKY: What?! We're not here to kill you!
RK: Really? So, who died? Anna?
JAYLYNN: Nobody's dying. We just wanted to talk to you about your health.
RK: What about it?
SPARKY: Well, Wade suggested you start dieting and exercising.
WADE: I didn't suggest that!
BUSTER: You're the one who said he was getting fat.
WADE: I'm starting to think you're the one who said it.
BUSTER: Well, I never!
RK: Guys, back to Earth, come on.
JAYLYNN: Look, we're just worried about you. We don't want you to go to high school and all of a sudden, you can barely breathe.
RK: Eh, I might take a year off after middle school. You know, just to find myself.
WADE: Please don't do that. But do you think if you start cutting down on junk food, it might help?
RK: I don't see why not. It's definitely going to be an adjustment, but it wouldn't hurt to give myself a challenge.
SPARKY: Wow. We thought you would be kicking and screaming.
RK: I just took a nice shower, so the reality hasn't sunk in yet. For all I know, we're not even having this conversation.
JAYLYNN: We are.
RK: Okay. But I like the idea of this. A purification program. No salt, no sugar. Just water, twigs, and berries every day.
WADE: We're not suggesting that.
RK: Too late. I already suggested it.
JAYLYNN: RK, you know we're not telling you to give up junk food forever. We're just saying-
RK: No, Jaylynn, my simple redheaded friend, you made it loud and clear what to do. I have to rid myself of anything unnatural. If it doesn't come from Mother Nature herself, don't eat it.
BUSTER: Oh no, you're going to become a vegan? Those people are the worst.
RK: But they're the best at staying pure. Guys, it's time for another signature moment: The Jennings Purification Program. By the time it's over, I'll be more fit than anyone in the sixth grade, and I'll conquer the world.
SPARKY: I'm glad you're committed to this.
RK: Indeed, I am. Now, get out, the purification starts tonight.
RK pushes the guys out of his room.
SCENE 6
The Jennings Household
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
RK closes the bedroom door.
WADE: You guys want to know why I backed out? Because of this. No matter what, it always leads to this.
JAYLYNN: I mean, this is the same guy that wrote How to Live to Eat. This purification might not even last that long.
WADE: Doesn't matter. When you give RK a challenge, he's going to do whatever it takes to beat it. Now, purification is his thing.
BUSTER: Maybe it won't be like those other times. Maybe RK really wants to change his diet and exercise.
Beat.
BUSTER (CONT.): Okay, he just likes the challenge. But it's our fault for telling him. When you think about it, this is really on us. Wow. We suck.
SCENE 7
The Jennings Household
Interior Kitchen
Seattle, Washington
("Rise and Shine" by J. Cole plays through RK's portable speaker)
The next morning, RK dances along to "Rise and Shine" as he gets rid of the unhealthy food from the refrigerator. KG walks in and looks bewildered.
KG: What the hell is going on here?
RK: What does it look like? I'm purging.
KG: No, you're not. You're not throwing up just so you can look like a popsicle stick.
RK: I don't mean, literally. I'm getting rid of all my junk. Anything that goes against my purification.
KG: Purification?
RK: Yup. The Jennings Purification Program, or the JPP for short.
KG: So, you're not going to be ordering Fernando's anymore or putting Gushers in your Jell-O?
RK: Not right now, no. I want to prove to myself that I can maintain chastity. No more poison. See? *holds up a carton of milk* Poison.
KG: RK, that's almond milk.
RK: Exactly. The only flavor milk should be is chocolate or vanilla. Maybe strawberry if you're feeling saucy, but that's where it stops.
SCENE 8
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
RK runs up to the guys, then runs in place.
RK: Morning, friends. Nice day for a jog, huh?
JAYLYNN: I get why Wade backed out. I really get it.
SPARKY: RK, you ran all the way to school?
RK: Of course not. But I did take my bike this morning instead of my car. I felt just like Lance Armstrong. You know, before he did all that stuff.
BUSTER: So, this is like the new, improved RK.
RK: You know it, babe. This is the kickoff to the Jennings Purification Program, or the JPP for short.
BUSTER: JPP!
RK: Love it.
JAYLYNN: You can't just...I don't know, eat a protein bar once in a while?
RK: Jaylynn, this is me. I can't be one foot in, one foot out. I have to take it as far as I can take it. Besides, isn't this what you guys wanted?
SPARKY: He's right.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, but-
RK: Nope. No mixed signals here. This is about the JPP.
BUSTER: JPP!
RK: Excellent. Now, if you guys will excuse me, I'm going to jog to Yorkin's class.
RK jogs away from the guys.
JAYLYNN: Look, I'm all for being your best self and purity, but does he have to be irritating about it?
SPARKY: It's RK. Whenever he does a thing, he has to become that thing. Remember this summer when he pretended to be Drew McIntyre, and he kept saying he has to win the title at WrestleMania in front of live fans?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, I forgot. That took years off my life.
BUSTER: Do you guys think that maybe RK isn't going through with this and he's just putting on a show for us?
JAYLYNN: That's exactly what I'm thinking. He might be putting up a front to trick us, but he's probably going to Burger King after school without us knowing.
BUSTER: Oh, I'm not accusing him of anything. I just like thinking about different theories. Like maybe, just maybe, ginger ale doesn't have much ginger in it.
SPARKY: Look, as long as RK's listening to us, it doesn't matter how insufferable he is. I'd rather see him do this than hear that godawful Scottish accent again.
BUSTER: Wait a minute, who won the world title at WrestleMania?
JAYLYNN: Drew did. Then Damian Priest cashed in Money in the Bank and won it.
BUSTER: Oh. I still need to watch it.
SCENE 9
Bloodworks Northwest Donor Center
Interior Lobby
Seattle, Washington
That same day, Bitch Clock is enraged as he argues with an employee at the front desk.
BITCH CLOCK: Listen, lady, I give more blood to this dump than anybody else in town. I pay my fees. I'm a civil servant and I demand to be treated like one!
LADY: For the last time, the monthly cost went up because of corporate. If you have a problem with it, take it up with them.
BITCH CLOCK: You know what? I will. Maybe take it up with Capitol Hill. See, this is why nobody respects the Democrats anymore. You always pussy out and let the man control your balls until you achieve pleasure. Well, I can get my pleasure any time I want, because I'm no longer giving my blood until the fees go down!
Bitch Clock leaves the donor center and comes back immediately.
BITCH CLOCK (CONT.): Oh yeah, if you guys could close my account and give me all my blood personally, that would be great. You've got one hour, you cute f***s.
SCENE 10
The MacDougal Household
Interior Kitchen
Seattle, Washington
Bitch Clock polishes a Tupperware container and places it on the counter. He repeats the action as Sparky walks in.
SPARKY: You never clean anything. What's going on here?
BITCH CLOCK: Nothing much. Just borrowing all your Tupperware.
SPARKY: Borrowing, or taking?
BITCH CLOCK: Don't be like that. They're going out of business anyway. Besides, it's just temporary until I get my own containers.
SPARKY: For what?
BITCH CLOCK: Well, the blood bank decided to raise the monthly cost, and I was like, "Screw that," so I closed my account.
SPARKY: Wait. That-that means-
BITCH CLOCK: Yup. The blood's in the attic, safe and sound.
SPARKY: No way.
BITCH CLOCK: Way. You want to see it?
SPARKY: No, I don't! How could you bring all that nasty blood into my house?!
BITCH CLOCK: Hey, that's my blood. It's just as valuable as anyone else's. And I've been on TV, so that makes it famous blood.
SPARKY: I don't care what it is! I don't want to see a trace of it as long as I'm breathing.
BITCH CLOCK: You're a twelve-year-old boy. How do you not want to see someone's blood?
SPARKY: Because I'm normal. I'm telling you, Bitch Clock, if there's even a hint of that blood anywhere outside the attic, there will be hell to pay. Mark my words: Hell. To. Pay.
Beat.
BITCH CLOCK: Halley hasn't been around here lately. Is that the real problem?
SPARKY: Just take the damn Tupperware.
SCENE 11
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster remove the crust from their sandwiches as they sit for lunch.
SPARKY: It's just gross to think about. Bitch Clock's bodily fluids taking up space in the attic? Who knows what he might do with it?
BUSTER: If you ask me, it's all those horror movies. People are obsessed with them, and now, all they think about is blood and guts and stomach acid. It's terrible.
SPARKY: Is that really a thing?
BUSTER: Of course. You wouldn't believe what the sickos on Twitter are into.
SPARKY: This is why I'm not on social media like I used to.
RK walks up to the table with a banana.
RK: What's up, gents?
SPARKY: RK, you're not eating?
RK: In this shithole? Please. It goes against the sanctity of the JPP.
BUSTER: JPP!
SPARKY: You don't have to say that every time.
BUSTER: In a way, I have to.
Jaylynn walks up to the table.
JAYLYNN: What's up, guys?
RK: Jaylynn, I swear, keep talking that shit. See where it gets you.
JAYLYNN: What the hell are you talking about?
RK: What...what is this? The lighting in here is pissing me off, it's too bright. What, are we on a Disney Channel set?
SPARKY: RK, are you sure you're comfortable with this whole purification thing?
RK: Why wouldn't I be? I don't miss my old diet at all. This morning, I had some carrot juice and a low-fat muffin. Very demure, I'd say.
JAYLYNN: That's not what demure means.
RK: Jaylynn, I'm gonna kill you one day.
Beat.
JAYLYNN: Maybe you want me to kill you, what do you think about that?
RK screams.
RK: Why is there so much ringing in my ears?! Where are we, Arrowhead Stadium?!
BUSTER: I'm scared. Sparky, hold me.
SPARKY: Later. RK, go have some lunch. How unhealthy can the food here be anyway?
RK: You would like that, wouldn't you? I fall off the wagon and then you're able to judge me for the thing you pushed me into doing. Probably going to gossip to Wade about it while you're putting in your hair curlers.
SPARKY: You're losing it, buddy.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, you're straight up delulu.
RK: My first name ain't Delulu, it's Ryan. Mr. Jennings if you're nasty. I'm going to the bathroom.
RK leaves the table and goes outside.
JAYLYNN: There's no bathroom out there, what's he doing?
BUSTER: He's talking about the pee tree. A lot of boys go there when they don't feel like being in the bathroom.
JAYLYNN: What kind of weirdo shit is that?
BUSTER: I don't know. Guys are complicated.
SPARKY: I'm worried about RK. It's only been a few days and he's already cracking under the pressure.
JAYLYNN: Now, I feel bad for thinking he wasn't serious about it. What do we do?
SPARKY: We tell him to call it off. Help him find a balance between eating clean and eating like a pig.
BUSTER: I don't think that's a good idea. We're just doing what he expects us to do. We pour him a drink with one hand, and judge him with the other if he takes it.
SPARKY: But RK's not drinking.
JAYLYNN: No, what he means is we're trying to stop the JPP because it's irritating us, not because we're looking out for RK.
SPARKY: We are looking out for him.
JAYLYNN: That's not how he'll see it. Remember, everything is a challenge to him.
SPARKY: Well, we have to figure something out because...Jaylynn, what are you eating?
JAYLYNN: Red sauce. I brought it from home. You want some?
SPARKY: No, that's blood. I'm never eating that shit, never!
Sparky runs out of the cafeteria and makes a bizarre crying sound as he does so.
JAYLYNN: What the f*** is happening to us?!
SCENE 12
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, the kids are watching TV. RK keeps mumbling incomprehensible words to himself, which confuses the kids.
WADE: I'll take every piece of the blame if you guys want me to.
BUSTER: Thank you.
JAYLYNN: RK, will you please stop it? We're missing the jokes.
RK: Huh? Oh, hey Jaylynn, what's up? You look cut.
Beat.
JAYLYNN: Really?
Bitch Clock walks into the house.
SPARKY: Hey, blood boy. What are you going to bring into my house next, some internal organs?
BITCH CLOCK: Will you relax?
SPARKY: No, I can't. I can't eat ketchup anymore thanks to you.
WADE: Could someone enlighten me on this situation?
BUSTER: Bitch Clock saved up a bunch of his blood and stored it in the attic, so now, Sparky's grossed out by anything red and liquidy.
Beat.
WADE: Yeah. That's exactly what I was thinking.
BITCH CLOCK: If you must know, the blood's not in the attic anymore.
SPARKY: Oh no. You jackass, you put it in the fridge?!
Sparky runs into the kitchen.
SCENE 13
The MacDougal Household
Interior Kitchen
Seattle, Washington
Sparky slides towards the refrigerator and holds onto it to avoid falling down, then opens it in a panic to see if Bitch Clock's blood is inside.
SPARKY: Where did you put it, huh? Where?
BITCH CLOCK: It's not in there, my guy, you're wasting your time.
SPARKY: Then explain this!
Sparky pulls out a container with an unknown red substance.
BITCH CLOCK: That's lasagna, how do you not see that?
SPARKY: Well, this bottle isn't lasagna, is it? No!
Sparky pulls out a bottle with a red liquid inside.
BITCH CLOCK: That's your fruit punch, remember?
SPARKY: Prove it. Drink it.
BITCH CLOCK: Okay?
Bitch Clock starts to drink the fruit punch.
SPARKY: You're sick. You're a twisted old man, your mother should be ashamed of you.
BITCH CLOCK: She is, but I don't care. Anyway, Jim let me keep the blood at his place. He has a meat freezer.
SPARKY: Really? So, my house is free of blood? No blood to speak of?
BITCH CLOCK: Not a trace. Now, I don't have to hear you whine anymore and be all, "How could you bring your blood into my house? Do you know the shame you've brought to this house? Get your blood out of my house!"
SPARKY: Why are you making me sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger?
Bitch Clock shrugs. RK walks in.
RK: Hey Sparko, do you have anything non-fattening? Some omega-3 foods, maybe some trail mix or tofu burgers?
SPARKY: If you look in the pantry, there should be some rice cakes. Don't ask me why I bought them, I don't know. And don't ask me why I never threw them away, either.
RK: Thanks.
RK gets a chair to climb up on so he can reach the pantry.
BITCH CLOCK: Why in God's name would he want to eat rice cakes?
SPARKY: He's trying to avoid junk food. It's part of his purification program.
BITCH CLOCK: Purification? I swear, your generation makes everything a big deal. Whatever happened to eating your favorite foods with no care, smoking cigarettes your whole life, keeping your gun and knife with you 24/7?
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, it's 2024. We're trying to be here for a long time, not a good time.
BITCH CLOCK: You can do both. I am.
RK: Hey, look, a pocket knife.
RK begins to play with the pocket knife.
RK (CONT.): You are the prince of darkness, arch enemy, father of evil.
SPARKY: RK, put that down. That's not a toy.
RK: Who said it has to be a toy? Check it out. Shooting star press.
RK flips the knife in the air. Cut to Sparky and Bitch Clock as they hear a scraping sound and RK's scream.
SPARKY: Oh, shit!
SCENE 14
Children's Hospital
Interior Operating Room
Seattle, Washington
RK slowly wakes up in a hospital bed surrounded by the guys and KG. A large bandage is attached to his neck.
RK: Ugh, I feel like I got hit by a truck. What happened?
SPARKY: You tried to make my pocket knife do a shooting star press, then it hit you in the jugular and you passed out.
BUSTER: I keep telling people to let me show them how to do that.
KG: RK, what were you thinking? You almost died.
RK: That's right, almost. The purification program is working, it saved my life.
JAYLYNN: No, it didn't. You were low on energy and you lost a lot of blood.
RK: Huh. Well, I feel fine now. I wonder how they got the blood back.
WADE: It was donated.
RK: Really, by who? I should send them something.
Beat.
RK (CONT.): No. There's no way.
SPARKY: There's a way, RK. There...is...a way.
Bitch Clock walks into the room.
BITCH CLOCK: I hate the fact that these places are dry. Oh, hey Jennings. Are you enjoying the three pints they forced me to give?
RK looks around, then starts to scream in horror as the "Let It Roll" instrumental plays in the background.
SCENE 15
Bang Bang Chicken
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
("Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum plays over the restaurant's loudspeakers)
The kids are having dinner together. RK looks irritated as he goes through a plate of chicken wings.
JAYLYNN: So, this goes against purification, right?
RK: Jaylynn, this is quinoa compared to the shit that's inside me. Ding dong, the JPP is dead.
BUSTER: Um...JPP.
RK: Yup, low energy. Great.
SPARKY: RK, you were dying. When we found out your blood type, it was the only thing that made sense.
RK: Sparks, I don't blame you for saving me. I blame God for giving me the same blood composition as that gross, Satan's spawn, waste of skin alcoholic. Do you know what this means?
WADE: You're back to your old self?
RK: No. It's the opposite. It means I'm impure. My beauty, my essence, everything that makes me RK has been tainted by that piece of shit's blood. How am I supposed to tell my parents?!
JAYLYNN: They won't find out. We'll keep it a secret.
RK: Jaylynn, I...I feel dirty. I have loser DNA running through my veins.
JAYLYNN: I know. But you can get past this. You can still be who you are. Come on now. You're RK, the kind of guy that can eat a banana whole. Pause.
WADE: Isn't you saying "pause" redundant?
JAYLYNN: I just think it's funny.
RK: Look, Jay, I appreciate the pep talk. I appreciate all of your love and support, guys. But it's going to take some time to deal with this. My life as I know it? My future? It's over.
RK shakes his head and leaves the booth.
SPARKY: Just as a safety measure, I had Wade destroy the pocket knife.
WADE: It was the least I could do.
SCENE 16
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK blankly stares at the television. INSERT: A shot of the television, which is muted during a Progressive commercial.
RK: I guess now that I'm impure, I should watch impure TV.
RK unmutes the TV and changes the channel. An audience is heard laughing.
CHANDLER (V.O.): Could we be more white trash?
More audience laughter is heard as RK groans. He then looks at his hands and begins to rub his arms.
RK: If I end up smelling like Jack Daniels, I'm going to give myself the chair. I don't care what it takes, I'm making it happen.
Bitch Clock walks in.
BITCH CLOCK: Hey, do you think you could clip my toenails tonight? They're looking tragic.
RK: First of all, why are you in my house? And second of all, why on Earth would I ever do that?
BITCH CLOCK: I can think of three reasons why you would do that. And they're all inside you in pint form.
RK: Do you think I wanted your blood?! This is the worst thing that could have ever happened to me.
BITCH CLOCK: Quit your boo-hooing. How do you think I feel? I spent months hoarding that blood, saving it for a rainy day. And if I was ever going to donate, it would have been for some sexy broad that would give me something in return.
RK: Well, I'm sorry I ruined your master plan.
BITCH CLOCK: No, you're not. But as long as you sit there with my hard work running through you, you're in my debt. And I intend to collect.
RK: What happens if I say no? You're going to kill me? Because I'm already working on it!
BITCH CLOCK: I'm going to continue to show up here and hound you until you give me what I want. You could tell Sparky, but at the end of the day, we both know I have the leverage here.
RK: Fine. I clip your funky little toenails and we're even, got it?
BITCH CLOCK: We're even when I say we are, blood brother. I'll see you tonight.
Bitch Clock begins to leave the house, but turns back around.
BITCH CLOCK (CONT.): Wait, why are you watching Friends? Sparky told me you hate that show.
RK: This is what people watch when they go against their chastity.
Beat.
BITCH CLOCK: F***ing weirdo.
Bitch Clock shakes his head and leaves.
SCENE 17
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Buster and Jaylynn are by the lockers.
BUSTER: I'm just saying, "That's that me espresso?" What does that even mean?
JAYLYNN: I don't think it means anything. It's just nonsense.
BUSTER: No, Jaylynn, "Nonsense" was on her last album, not this one. I told you.
JAYLYNN: You didn't tell me shit.
Sparky walks up to the guys.
SPARKY: Hey guys. You've seen RK?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, he went to study hall.
SPARKY: Stop lying, where is he?
JAYLYNN: He went to study hall...to do his homework before class.
SPARKY: There we go. I'm worried about him.
JAYLYNN: I'm always worried about him.
SPARKY: No, but think about it. Him and Bitch Clock are sworn enemies, and now, he has to spend the rest of his life with his enemy's blood? That's going to make him go insane.
BUSTER: You know what we should do? We should all just hug RK, right? Hold him tight, and tell him not to worry about anything as long as Jesus Christ is his Lord and Savior.
JAYLYNN: I don't think even Jesus can help him with this.
BUSTER: You're right. Besides, isn't he Catholic already? He doesn't need more religion.
SPARKY: Let's just keep an eye on him. The last thing I want is for him to crash out over this.
SCENE 18
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
At lunch, RK pushes multiple kids out of the way so he can be at the front of the line.
MARTIN: Hey Jennings, what's your problem? I was here first.
RK: Now, you're here second. Cry about it.
MARTIN: Excuse me?
Martin tries to push RK out of the way, but RK knocks him down.
RK: Are you trying to sneak attack me? Do you know who I am? I'll bomb on you in the streets if you wanna take it there!
MARTIN: So, you want to play with me, huh?
RK: No, little boy, you're playing with me.
RK punches Martin in the face and screams as he tackles him. Several kids start chanting "Fight!" and pull out their phones as school faculty try to pull RK and Martin apart. Cut to Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn getting up from their table.
SPARKY: Why do we always miss the fights when they start?
Will runs up to the guys.
WILL: Guys, you have to come quick. RK's whooping Martin's ass!
JAYLYNN: What?!
The guys run to the crowd as RK is pulled away from Martin by faculty.
RK: Tell your friends who did this. I'll go at anybody who wants it. You try to find me, you're gonna get found.
SCENE 19
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Principal's Office
Seattle, Washington
RK is seated across from Principal Schaefer.
PRINCIPAL SCHAEFER: Now, RK, according to Martin, you were the aggressor in your little spat earlier.
RK: He was in my way, so I kicked his ass. Now, he'll know what to do next time he sees me.
PRINCIPAL SCHAEFER: Well, here's what you can see: A three-day suspension.
RK: Of course. You punish one kid and not the other, right? I bet you vote Democrat.
PRINCIPAL SCHAEFER: I...don't see what my politics have to-
RK: Now, look, Schaefey boy, I hate Republicans, too. I hate all politicians equally. But the Democrats are always the ones eating shit. They have to bow down. Who do you bow down to, sir? The superintendent? The board of education? Or your wife? Maybe you eat shit from all three, don't you, you little tramp?
Cut to a still image of Principal Schaefer's disgusted face.
SCENE 20
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
The kids are eating ice cream after school. Wade is absent.
SPARKY: So, you beat up Martin, who plays damn near every sport in the school. Then you get suspended for three days, which turned into two weeks for talking back to Principal Schaefer?
RK: Sounds like an amazing day to me.
JAYLYNN: RK, seriously, what's going on with you? Talk to us.
RK: About what? I almost killed myself, and now, because of my incompetence, an alcoholic's blood has invaded my body. What are you gonna do?
RK's phone starts to ring.
RK (CONT.): I should take this. It's probably a business call or something.
RK gets out of the booth and answers the phone.
RK (CONT.): RKJ here, what it do?
BITCH CLOCK (V.O.): It's time for your next job, blood brother.
RK: Shit, I wouldn't have used my greeting if I knew it was you. What do you want now?
BITCH CLOCK (V.O.): Come to Sparky's. We're going for a ride.
RK: If you're going to kill me, just say it. I'm too old to fall for that "let's take a ride" trick.
BITCH CLOCK (V.O.): It's not a trick. I have some collections to make and I could use a right hand man. Or a human shield, whichever one benefits me more.
RK: Do you really think I'm going to die for you?
BITCH CLOCK (V.O.): Maybe not, but remember that my blood died for you. Three pints, I think it was.
RK: F*** you.
BITCH CLOCK (V.O.): Yeah. F*** me. I'll see you soon.
Bitch Clock hangs up.
RK: I'm gonna die tonight.
SCENE 21
Oryon's
Exterior Parking Lot
Seattle, Washington
Bitch Clock pulls up to Oryon's with RK in the passenger's seat.
RK: You're making your collections at the bar?
BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, why not? I'm a regular here, I'm friends with the owner. I sell him coke, he lets me run up the tab. It's like biosisis or something.
RK: So, why do I need to be here?
BITCH CLOCK: Guy's holding out on me. I'm using you as a sympathy card. Whatever story I go with in there, just play along.
RK: How did you not come up with a story for me?
BITCH CLOCK: You ask too many questions. Let's go inside.
SCENE 22
Oryon's
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
("Brother Louie" by Stories plays over the bar's loudspeakers)
RK and Bitch Clock sit at a table when a whistling sound is heard. Cut to a shot of the bar's manager, Albie, motioning for them to come to his office.
BITCH CLOCK: That's us.
RK and Bitch Clock walk towards the office.
SCENE 23
Oryon's
Interior Albie's Office
Seattle, Washington
("Brother Louie" can still be heard in the background, but at a lower volume)
RK and Bitch Clock walk into the office and sit down to meet with Albie.
ALBIE: Who's this? You know we don't serve children.
BITCH CLOCK: He's my illegitimate son. It got hot and heavy with some girl I was with, I didn't use Kleenex, and this is the outcome.
RK: Dad, please shoot me.
BITCH CLOCK: Not now, son.
ALBIE: Bitch Clock, I've known you for years. You've never mentioned kids.
BITCH CLOCK: What did I just say? Illegitimate. Now, I have a new headache on top of the cash you owe me.
ALBIE: Well, you know I'm good for it. I had other affairs to attend to.
BITCH CLOCK: Like what?
ALBIE: Doesn't matter. The point is, I don't have to explain myself to you. You keep giving me that good stuff, and I'll keep looking the other way on your free drinks.
RK: Sir, could I ask you something?
ALBIE: Sure, kid, what's up?
RK: Is there something lodged so far up your asscrack that you can't understand when you should pay up?
ALBIE: Excuse me?
RK: You're excused. My father is a legitimate businessman and he has bills to pay. He doesn't need this shit right now. Do what he says.
ALBIE: I'm not listening to you.
BITCH CLOCK: Maybe you should.
ALBIE: Alright, BC, get outta here if you're not trying to drink anything. I'll see you another time.
BITCH CLOCK: Fine. I'll get out. I'll get out real soon and then-
Bitch Clock pulls out a baseball bat from out of thin air and hits Albie with it twice.
BITCH CLOCK (CONT.): You think you can screw over your best customer?!
RK: Let me at him, Dad.
BITCH CLOCK: Really? Help yourself.
Bitch Clock tosses RK the bat and RK goes to town on Albie. As Albie screams from each hit, Bitch Clock goes to the front desk and pulls out money from the drawer.
RK: Are you Republican? Huh? Screwing over the little guy, you MAGA-loving cocksucker?!
RK continues to hit Albie with the bat, but Bitch Clock jumps over the desk and takes the bat back.
BITCH CLOCK: Nice work, my boy. Yo, Albie, consider us up to date. Don't let this happen again.
SCENE 24
Oryon's
Seattle, Washington
("Brother Louie" continues playing in the background)
RK and Bitch Clock walk out of the room laughing.
BITCH CLOCK: That was amazing. You destroyed him.
RK: Well, maybe he can use his money on some physio. It would help. You know what? Take me to the liquor store, I want a drink.
BITCH CLOCK: Really? But we can drink here.
RK: Please, this dump is for losers. I want the top-shelf booze.
BITCH CLOCK: You know what? I'm proud to call you my fake son.
RK: You better be proud enough to foot the bill.
RK chuckles as he pats Bitch Clock on his shoulder, then leaves the bar. Bitch Clock is simultaneously shocked and excited.
BITCH CLOCK: He gets my blood and he turns into a real man? Alright.
Bitch Clock runs out of the bar.
SCENE 25
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, RK drinks a can of Coors while watching TV. There are empty cans of Budweiser, Miller, and Heineken sprawled across the floor. KG walks in the house and simply stands in place upon seeing the situation.
KG: What the f*** do you think you're doing?
RK: What's up, bro? Wanna take the edge off?
KG takes the can of Coors away from RK.
KG: Give me that, are you playing with me?! You're twelve years old, what are you doing drinking?!
RK: I'm not drinking, I'm getting happy. By the way, don't come here at nine. I'll be sleeping in the nude and I don't need your weird ass sneaking a peek.
KG: RK, I'm trying to maintain my composure here. You're never drinking again, and if you do, I'll whoop your ass so bad, they're going to have to send the National Guard to stop me from inflicting more damage. Do you understand me?
RK: Bitch, who are you talking to like that? You don't have enough hairs on your chest to act hard like that.
KG: I'm your brother, not some asshole on the street! Watch your tone with me!
RK: You're a f***boy who needs to fall back. And tell Danielle to wear that thing I like.
KG grabs RK and RK low blows him. RK then smashes a bottle of Jack Daniels over his head, knocking him out.
RK (CONT.): I tried to be the nice guy. You didn't need to piss me off.
RK spits on KG, shakes his head, then leaves the house.
SCENE 26
("Evil" by Eminem plays in the background)
RK has now taken on Bitch Clock's traits, most notably his excessive drinking, misogyny, and reckless nature. At one point, he walks up to Esther while in school and grabs a hold of her rear end, causing her to slap him. RK then laughs and blows her a kiss. He begins to drink during the day, gets aggressive with Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn, and spends less time at home. He puts on a suit and tie at a local gym and sneaks into the ladies' locker room, wanting to see them without clothes. When confronted, he shows them an FBI (Federal Boobie Inspector) badge.
At the same time, he follows Bitch Clock along on his collection routes and acts as an enforcer. They begin to spend more time together and go to strip clubs and nightclubs, getting drunk and starting fights with random people in an attempt to get thrown out. At one point, they're at a bar late at night and get into it with some firefighters, which lead to the police intervening. Bitch Clock fires shots with his gun and he takes off with RK, avoiding the police within seconds of their arrival.
SCENE 27
The MacDougal Household
Interior Sparky's Tree House
Seattle, Washington
The kids are in Sparky's tree house, but RK is missing.
SPARKY: Guys, what the hell is going on with RK? Ever since he got Bitch Clock's blood, he's turned into a monster.
JAYLYNN: You think? I don't know whether to kill him or get him some therapy.
WADE: There's no logical explanation for his behavior. Unless something is influencing him.
SPARKY: Well, he's been hanging out with Bitch Clock too much. Maybe that's it.
WADE: It's not that simple. I think the blood transfusion has altered his personality, it's infiltrated with Bitch Clock's DNA.
BUSTER: You can become a new person because of your blood?
WADE: Not really, but the wires are getting crossed in RK's brain and I think Bitch Clock's blood is causing it. We need to remove the toxins from his body and get him back to his old self.
SPARKY: How? We don't have proof of anything.
WADE: Let me get a blood sample from Bitch Clock. Once I do, I can confirm its harmful properties and get started on a detoxification formula. Let's call it the Jennings Detoxification Program.
BUSTER: JDP!
Beat.
BUSTER (CONT.): It just felt right.
JAYLYNN: Wait a minute, Bitch Clock took all his blood to his friend's house. There's no way we can get a sample.
SPARKY: Don't worry about it. I'll get the sample, and I'm also going to tell him to stay away from RK before he causes any more damage.
SCENE 28
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Bitch Clock walks downstairs while Sparky watches TV.
SPARKY: Come here and sit down. Now.
BITCH CLOCK: Why? You already pricked my finger for some dumbass reason. What did I do this time?
SPARKY: What haven't you done? RK's turned into the biggest asshole on the planet thanks to you. You're having a bad influence on him and I want it to stop right now.
BITCH CLOCK: Look, I don't know what you think, but the kid's way better off now. He's turned his whole life around and I commend him for it.
SPARKY: He's about to get kicked out of school, he's getting thrown out of public places, KG is scared of him, we're all scared of him. And beyond that, he's drinking. Where do you think he picked up that shit from?
BITCH CLOCK: Podcasts? TV? It's natural that kids want to experiment.
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, listen to me. I put up with a lot of shit from you, but this has gone too far. Stay away from RK before you ruin his life. And I'm not asking you to, I'm ordering you.
BITCH CLOCK: Fine. I'll leave the boy alone. Guess I'll have to find a new drinking buddy.
SPARKY: Why not Jim?
BITCH CLOCK: We're not speaking right now. He said I have to start paying him to keep my blood in his meat freezer, so he doesn't exist.
SPARKY: Dude, I swear to God, if it's back here-
BITCH CLOCK: It's not in the attic, you big baby! Jesus, maybe you need a drink.
Bitch Clock gets a text and pulls out his phone.
BITCH CLOCK (CONT.): Hell yeah!
SPARKY: What?
BITCH CLOCK: Albie said I need to come down to Oryon's right now. The new shipment of vodka just came in and his best customer is about to try it.
Bitch Clock runs and grabs his keys.
SCENE 29
The MacDougal Household
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Bitch Clock looks at the keys and sighs.
BITCH CLOCK: These are Sparky's keys. But I don't want to go back in there, it's too much work. Plus, I know the rule. In case Albie tries anything funny, he won't be shooting up my ride.
Bitch Clock laughs and takes off in Sparky's car.
SCENE 30
("WHISKEY WHISKEY" by Moneybagg Yo featuring Morgan Wallen plays on Sparky's car radio)
Bitch Clock jams to "WHISKEY WHISKEY" as he drives to Oryon's. As he bobs his head back and forth while mouthing the lyrics, he gets clipped by an incoming car.
BITCH CLOCK: Shit.
Bitch Clock gets out of the car to inspect the damage.
BITCH CLOCK (CONT.): Sparky's gonna kill me when he finds out!
RK (O.S.): Don't worry about him.
BITCH CLOCK: What?
Someone in a hoodie hits Bitch Clock in the head with a lead pipe. The person takes off their hood to reveal themselves, and it's RK.
RK: Look at you now, boy! Huh?! Look at you now!
RK grabs an unconscious Bitch Clock, puts him in the trunk of his car, and drives off.
SCENE 31
Bitch Clock's Apartment
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Bitch Clock wakes up at RK's feet.
RK: Yeah, that's right, wake up. This is the last time you're ever going to see this place, so drink it in.
BITCH CLOCK: I can't believe you. You're going to kill me in my stash house?! How did you even get in?
RK: I don't know, maybe I got in because somebody was too stupid to lock the door.
BITCH CLOCK: Alright, that's on me. But we're friends now, you shouldn't be doing this.
RK: We were never friends. This whole time we were messing around, I was taking my time. Studying your moves, following you. I was getting all the info I could so I could kill you.
BITCH CLOCK: You sick f***. How dare you try to murder the man that sacrificed his own blood for you?
RK: You didn't sacrifice shit. You used it against me. My life is hell because of you. I lost my blood, and now, I'm going to make you lose yours. For good.
RK kicks Bitch Clock in the head.
SCENE 32
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky is in the middle of a phone call.
SPARKY: So, you're sure that RK is acting like this because of the blood?
WADE (V.O.): Precisely. I ran all the tests and Bitch Clock's blood has high amounts of toxicity, which can affect a person's emotional state.
SPARKY: And what about the detoxification?
WADE (V.O.): Already have it set up. We just have to find RK and-
Buster and Jaylynn run into the house.
BUSTER: Sparky, did you get a text from RK?!
SPARKY: No, what happened?
BUSTER: He's going to kill Bitch Clock, and he wants us all to have a front row seat when he does!
SPARKY: What?! Where's he doing it?
JAYLYNN: At his apartment where he keeps his drugs. But he might already be dead, so we could just be wasting our time.
WADE (V.O.): Sparky, what's happening?
SPARKY: RK's about to kill Bitch Clock at his apartment. We have to stop him. We'll pick you up at your place and give RK the formula before it's too late.
WADE (V.O.): Alright, I'll get ready.
SPARKY: Come on, guys, let's keep RK from life in prison.
Buster and Jaylynn run out of the house, and Sparky follows them, but he doesn't see his car keys on the table.
SPARKY: Wait a minute. Why are Bitch Clock's keys here and not mine?
SCENE 33
The MacDougal Household
Exterior Garage
Seattle, Washington
Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn stand near Sparky's garage and see that his car is gone.
SPARKY: That idiot took my car?!
JAYLYNN: He really makes it hard to root for him.
BUSTER: Just take Bitch Clock's car. And if he asks about it, you'll say "an eye for an eye" or some corny shit like that.
SPARKY: Fine. But be prepared, guys, because nine times out of ten, Bitch Clock's car smells. Something fierce.
SCENE 34
Bitch Clock's Apartment
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK holds Bitch Clock to the wall with the same lead pipe he used to knock him out earlier.
BITCH CLOCK: Look, kid, I know you have severe mental problems, but this is loco even for you.
RK: Shut the f*** up. Any more mouth, I'll put a bullet in your eye.
BITCH CLOCK: You don't even have a gun.
Beat.
RK: I'll kill you regardless.
BITCH CLOCK: What did I ever do to you? I'm a pillar of this community. I'm a civil servant, a former activist, a retired TV star. I matter!
RK: No, you don't, especially not to me. You're the biggest loser I've ever seen in my life, and now, I can't let you survive knowing your blood is inside me. You said you'll let me know when we're even? Well, we're going to be in five minutes.
BITCH CLOCK: RK, I'm telling you, I've been to prison before. You haven't. You're not built for it. And when they throw the book at you, you know how many of my fans are going to jump you for what you did to me? I have Twitter followers doing time!
RK: You're boring me.
RK hits Bitch Clock in the stomach. Bitch Clock spits out some blood and coughs.
BITCH CLOCK: So, this is how it goes down? Fine, you little f***. Do it. But if you're going to kill me, just know I'm taking you with me!
("To a Friend" by Alexisonfire plays in the background)
Bitch Clock tackles RK and the two brawl on the floor for a couple seconds. RK gets the upper hand and tries choking Bitch Clock to death, but Bitch Clock kicks RK down low. Bitch Clock crawls towards the lead pipe in an attempt to use it, but RK sees this and drags him away. The two then continue the brawl and RK lands a few more punches, then a roundhouse kick. He then tosses Bitch Clock into a closet, grabs a coat hanger, and strangles Bitch Clock with it.
SCENE 35
Sparky drives Bitch Clock's car with Jaylynn in the passenger's seat, while Buster and Wade are in the back.
SPARKY: I hope we're not too late. I just want my old friend back.
JAYLYNN: Me too. I miss when he would make references to shows I never watched.
WADE: Guys, he's not dead, he's just chemically imbalanced. We can save him.
BUSTER: Is it me, or is something smoking?
WADE: Yeah, I smell it, too.
SPARKY: The engine. Of course, Bitch Clock doesn't take care of this thing.
SCENE 36
The kids have the car pulled over by the side of the road.
SPARKY: This is bullshit. We're never going to make it in time.
BUSTER: Maybe we could call an Uber.
WADE: Something tells me we'll be waiting a long time for a driver.
JAYLYNN: We just need something that can cool down the engine. Wade, give us whatever you have in your pocket.
WADE: Jaylynn, I'm a scientist, not a magician. I have no resources in my pocket that can take care of this.
BUSTER: You think, uh...Bitch Clock has some blood we can use?
SPARKY: For the engine? Are you out of your mind?
BUSTER: Look, I saw this thing on YouTube about how blood is really cold, right? And Bitch Clock probably keeps some of it in his trunk to be safe. It's worth checking out.
SPARKY: Well, I don't know where he moved the blood, but I doubt it's in this car.
SCENE 37
The kids open the trunk and find several cases of blood.
SPARKY: I still don't think it makes sense scientifically.
Buster and Jaylynn turn their attention to Wade.
WADE: It might not be the worst idea to use the blood.
SPARKY: There's no way it's going to work, guys. There's just no way.
SCENE 38
Cut to Sparky driving the car like before, with the blood presumably having stopped the engine from overheating.
SPARKY: I never want to see that ever again.
WADE: None of us do. We did what had to be done.
SCENE 39
Bitch Clock's Apartment
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
("To a Friend" continues playing in the background)
RK and Bitch Clock continue their fight, but it seems like RK has gained the upper hand as his stamina and conditioning is better. Bitch Clock tries charging at RK, but RK slams him through a table. RK then screams and waits for Bitch Clock to get up, then hits him with a Claymore Kick. RK is foaming at the mouth as he stalks Bitch Clock, then hits him with another Claymore. RK looks to the side and notices something in the closet that piques his curiosity.
SCENE 40
Bitch Clock's Apartment
Interior Closet
Seattle, Washington
("To a Friend" continues playing in the background)
RK runs into the closet and picks up a handgun. He laughs as he sees that the clip is full of bullets and walks out.
SCENE 41
Bitch Clock's Apartment
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
("To a Friend" continues playing in the background)
RK marches towards Bitch Clock, who coughs up more blood. RK is enraged that Bitch Clock is conscious, so he hits him with the lead pipe again. Now convinced that Bitch Clock is finished, RK takes the gun and puts the barrel in Bitch Clock's mouth.
RK: You should have left me alone, but you didn't. This is all on you.
Everything becomes slow-motion as RK laughs, then prepares to shoot Bitch Clock to death. The door opens, which makes RK remove the gun from Bitch Clock's mouth instinctively, but a shot is fired by accident. Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn tackle RK and force him to let go of the gun. Wade then takes his detoxification formula and injects RK in the back of his neck, which causes him to lose consciousness and fall to the floor. "To a Friend" stops playing and the slow-motion effect is removed.
WADE: It's over, guys. It's all...it's all over.
JAYLYNN: We, um...we should probably take these guys to the hospital.
SPARKY: I think we all need to be in the hospital.
SCENE 42
Children's Hospital
Interior Operating Room
Seattle, Washington
Hours later, RK is on a hospital bed surrounded by the kids.
JAYLYNN: RK, are you sure you don't remember anything these last few weeks?
RK: Not really. Last thing I remember is hitting Martin in the head with a lunch tray.
SPARKY: Look, the important thing is that you're back. We missed you, buddy. The real you.
BUSTER: Yeah, you don't need a purification program to impress us. We want you to be happy just the way you are.
RK: What the hell are you guys talking about? Why am I in here?
WADE: Just so you know, the detox formula got rid of all of Bitch Clock's blood and restored you to your original form.
RK: What detox formula? Am I in a simulation?
Someone pulls their curtain open. It's Bitch Clock, with notable scars and lacerations on his face, his arm in a cast, and a broken leg.
BITCH CLOCK: You better be, because I'm coming for you when I get out of this bed.
RK: The f*** is he rambling about? They shouldn't allow drunks in the ER.
BITCH CLOCK: You know what you did! You know what you did!
RK: I really don't, please leave me alone.
Dr. Wardenson walks into the room.
DR. WARDENSON: Good news, guys. Bitch Clock's blood transfusion was a success.
BITCH CLOCK: I knew my blood would come in handy.
SPARKY: We used all of it to keep your car engine from breaking down.
BITCH CLOCK: What? Are you insane?!
SPARKY: No, and I would appreciate it if you never touch my car again.
BITCH CLOCK: Wait, so if my blood didn't save me, whose did? One of these idiots?
DR. WARDENSON: No, a lovely woman named Agatha Carmichael heard about your emergency and helped out.
BITCH CLOCK: Agatha? Crazy Agatha from Applebee's who kept stalking me for six months?!
DR. WARDENSON: I don't know, probably.
BITCH CLOCK: There's no way. There can't be a way.
SPARKY: There's a way, Bitch Clock. There's...always...a way.
Bitch Clock screams upon realizing he now has Agatha's blood.
RK: Doc, I'll pay for my own room.
Cut to black.
("I Will" by Eminem featuring Royce da 5'9", KXNG Crooked, and Joell Ortiz plays over the end credits)
POST-CREDITS GAG
The MacDougal Household
Interior Sparky's Tree House
Seattle, Washington
On Halloween night, after going trick-or-treating, the kids have returned to Sparky's tree house with candy and are enjoying a meal of Burger King. RK realizes his tongue is now black.
RK: Holy shit.
JAYLYNN: Whoa, baby! The new grape strawberry ICEE from Burger King has made your tongue black, RK!
RK: Why are you talking like that?
SPARKY: I think my tongue's black now, too.
BUSTER: Cool, so is mine!
WADE: Make that four.
RK: Oh, no. I don't feel so good, my friends.
JAYLYNN: Maybe you should have waited to eat your candy after the food.
RK: It's not that. It's...the force, it's...it's got a lot of power and...
JAYLYNN: What?
SPARKY: I know what you mean, RK. It's definitely the force.
JAYLYNN: What force? What's happening?
BUSTER: Your tongue's not black, you wouldn't understand.
WADE: Guys, I think it's coming.
JAYLYNN: What's coming?!
RK: The force. It makes us feel like...woo!
("Discombobulated" by Eminem plays in the background)
At that point, the boys simultaneously finish their ICEEs and then remove their skin to reveal their own skeletons. Jaylynn is bewildered as the boys dance to "Discombobulated" as skeletons while wearing top hats and twirling around canes.
JAYLYNN: I'm out.
Jaylynn tries to leave, but the skeletons pull her back and laugh as they come towards her. Jaylynn screams.
CONTINUED...
The Hernandez Household
Interior Jaylynn's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn wakes up and starts breathing heavily, then grabs the empty Burger King cup on her nightstand and looks at it.
JAYLYNN: What the hell did they put in this drink?!
The "Discombobulated" instrumental plays briefly as we get a freeze frame shot of Jaylynn looking at the drink. Cut to black.
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HAPPY HALLOWEEN