Tonks

'Psst, Kingsley!' she catches up with him as he's heading towards the exit. There are tens of people bustling around and she has a shield placed around them. She manages to slip him the note. There will be a breakout of Azkaban soon. She's been spending weekends at the inn around Malfoy Manor, it's all Lucius can talk about. He's desperate to get back into Voldemort's good graces. She doesn't know how he's obtained classified information, but now she has also been able to obtain it through several quite unorthodox methods. Kingsley is close to Fudge, he'll manage it.

'Any news, Kingsley?'

Fuck, she's late. Dumbledore doesn't seem to mind as he politely nods in greeting. Her eyes rapidly search the room for somewhere to sit. She gravitates towards her usual spot. He's not here. Why is he not here? He has never missed a meeting, not unless they were on mission and they were always on mission together. Snape's cough brings her out of her reverie. Everyone has been waiting for her to sit down so that they can continue. She wakes herself up from her trance and drags an empty chair out to seat herself in between Molly and Bill.

The chair is uncomfortable and she feels suffocated. She notices Snape's smirk towards her and her heart plummets. Does he have anything to do with Remus not being here?

'Yes, so, from what I've gathered thanks to Tonks's intelligence they are planning on rallying the Dementors. Malfoy has been having secret meetings in Azkaban, he's bribed the right people. He cannot, to our knowledge, conjure a Patronus so it will not be quite so easy as it must be excruciating only to have a basic interaction.

'Who has he bribed?' Bill askes.

'The problem is not who he has bribed, we don't have enough money or power to un-bribe them. Besides, he's already made contact, it might be too late. The issue is how we can get in instead. We need to supervise the exchanges. I should have access being one of Fugde's advisors, but I cannot keep watch at all times, we will need to change shifts.'

'I suppose us Ministry staff will come along then. In case we are caught we can always pretend we're there on official duty.' Arthur suggests.

'Me and- Arthur can take first watch!' Tonks automatically volunteers. Her face burns red, realising she was about to volunteer Remus alongside her without considering he wouldn't have been able to join her regardless. She notices now that she has never been on a mission without him, unless she counted the prophecy watch. Was that intentional, she wonders? Did he purposefully come with her because he liked her? Did he like her? Did she want him to like her, she ponders. She certainly wouldn't mind. She thinks if he were to-

'All right, Tonks, we'll note you down with Arthur and then me and Hestia will replace you as you move on to the Department of Mysteries. Afterwards, another two pairs will switch every 12 hours. Who's up next?'

She keeps staring at the space next to Sirius where he usually sits. She sits besides him and listens to Sirius's moaning whenever he bothers to show up. He's still incredibly sour about Harry but there's nothing any of them can do to calm him down so they've all just collectively agreed to let him be. She wants to ask where Remus is, throughout the entire discussion she catches a few pieces from here and there. Umbridge is now a professor, that's just fantastic. Her eye twitches as she listens to Snape give his report. There's something smug about him.

'Before I forget!' Dumbledore continues, 'there's still the matter of Malfoy surveillance-'

'Yes,' Tonks jumps up. 'Our next appointment is on Friday, as I'm to be stationed tomorrow and the day after tomorrow on Ministry watch. To my knowledge, Remus doesn't have any other active -'

'As I was telling Professor Dumbledore earlier,' Snape starts with a vile look on his face, 'Mr. Lupin will be a bit…. undisposed this week as the Wolfsbane potion has yet to properly brew. I apologize, this has never happened before, I must have been…too distracted. Rest assured; it will not happen again.'

Her heart stops in her throat as she does the math, the full moon is tonight and without the Wolfsbane Remus will be aching for days. She always thought Snape was a bit of a git, but she never thought it would go this far, not to mention his compromising of the mission.

'Rest assured,' he continues, 'Mr. Lupin should be back on his feet by next week. Unfortunately, that means Nymphadora must engage by herself this time, but I have utmost faith she will manage.'

'Nonsense,' Dumbledore interrupts. To her gratitude, his voice seems rather angry, or as angry as Dumbledore can sound. He must at least suspect there is something else going on. 'Someone else will take over and Tonks can in exchange take another shift at the Ministry!'

'But we've been going for several months,' she interjects, 'we know the place, the people, we know-'

'Yes, however I cannot allow you to go in on that by yourself considering your family history. I promise you the mission is yours again starting next week.'

She wants to argue but Dumbledore's tone is final. She wants…. needs to punch Snape. And more so she wants to punch herself for having gotten Remus into this stupid situation to begin with. Surely, he must be a reasonable man. He doesn't want a werewolf rampaging around here….

'Severus,' she approaches him as he's preparing to Apparate from the sidewalk and is met with a sly smile.

'Yes, Nymphadora?'

She ignores the blatant disrespect and tries to form her words. She cannot get angry she needs to fix this. Remus cannot spend this full moon in such pain.

'I wanted to apologize for…. last time. That was very immature of me. But please don't take it out on Remus, he really doesn't deserve it and truly he only did it because of me. It was indeed quite stupid but I think we should all take precautions not to have a werewolf roaming free-'

'My, my, Nymphadora, that's quite a rude way to speak of your boyfriend!'

'He doesn't know himself without the potion! Actually, you of all people know that!'

'Like I said during the meeting the potion-'

'Please,' she gives into her emotions, 'please just give me the potion, I'll do anything!'

Tears prick her eyes. She will hex Snape if she has to, fuck the consequences, but she's scared it might get back to him.

Snape's smile grows wider. 'You're a respected Auror, Nymphadora, I expected more grace for you. All of this over a werewolf?'

She shudders and her grip tightens upon her wand. She takes a few deep breaths. She will not punch him; it will make things worse. She will, however fix this. She takes a determined step towards him and she swears she could have seen him flinch.

'I am one of the top Aurors in the Ministry. At 22 I am Alastor's Moody's protegee, he has taught me everything he knows. I know I'm young and silly and I wear crazy hair and I'm clumsy. But you will not believe the record I have. In two years, I have filled up tens of Azkaban cells and if you don't believe me, I can easily show you. Now believe me, neither of us want to escalade this but so help me God if Remus goes without his potion tonight and compromises the mission and the Order on your petty childhood rivalries, you will find yourself praying that Alastor gets you first!'

His breath stinks but she does not move her head away. His smile has slowly faded as he's realised, she means every single word. She grabs her wand tighter and his eyes flit towards it.

'I'll see what I can do,' he mumbles.

'Please do!'

She knocks tentatively on the door.

'Go away, Sirius!'

She's never heard him yell before and it's quite harrowing.

'It's me,' she whispers, voice trembling. 'Snape got you your potion.'

A deadly silence follows in which she hears a pained shuffling towards the door and the voice that answers this time is hoarse and in pain. 'He said it wasn't ready….'

'He managed to finish it in the meantime,' she lies. They both know she's lying.

'Tonks, what did you do?' his hoarse voice sounds worried.

'I swear, I just talked to him! No more punching! And no more insulting him, I've learnt my lesson, I'm really sorry!'

'Don't apologize. Thank you. You can leave the glass outside I'm grab it in a minute.'

'I'm bringing it in!'

She pushes on the doorknob and finds out it's locked.

'No. Please leave.'

'Have you started transforming?'

'Soon enough.'

'Then let me come in'

'Tonks-'

'For the love of God, Remus,' the words catch in her throat. 'If you don't open up and let me comfort you, I will fucking break this door down!'

'All right, all right!'

She hears what must be several locks being turned and the man behind the door looks nothing like Remus. She does her best not to look surprised by it, but he clearly notices and give her a wry smile.

'I didn't want you to see me like this,' he says.

His hair is heavily dishevelled and he's started to scratch himself, his arms are almost bleeding. She doesn't know if it's because the Wolfsbane is taken late and she's scared to ask. He gulps it down in one go and grimaces. 'Just as disgusting as always.'

She keeps looking at him and without realising it she reaches out to brush the sweaty hair off his forehead. He looks in so much pain she wants to hold him throughout the whole night. Would he even let her?

'Tonks, don't, I look disgusting,' he turns his head away, but she grabs it in between her hands.

'You absolutely do not.' She brushes some more hair and he doesn't stop her. She can swear his panic is slowly starting to diminish, she's close enough she notices his heart stop thumping quite so loud. 'Let me stay with you,' she ends up whispering but he's already started to vehemently shake his head.

'Absolutely not!'

'But-'

'Even when I take the Wolfsbane I never know how it's going to work. That's why I lock myself in every time. I'm fucking terrified. I could never forgive myself if something happened to you. Sirius will keep guard; I'll be all right!'

She wants to argue, but he's right. He has Sirius, an Animagus, there's nothing she can help with. She just wants to hold him and let him know he's not alone, but she'd be useless.

'I'll be all right, I promise. Not my first rodeo!' he leans in to kiss her forehead and before she's realised what happened he's locked the door again.

'What are you doing here?' Sirius asks. She's leaning against the door as she looks up to him. 'Sitting. Aren't you supposed to be in dog form?'

'I used to be when I was in the room with him,' he sighs as he sits down besides her. 'He doesn't let me anymore, so best I can do is stand guard and promise him in the morning that all the locks were properly bolted down.'

'You're a good friend, Sirius.' She says and leans against him. She's growing tired, she only now realises she's been on back-to-back missions and she has Azkaban duty tomorrow. She should probably leave. He has Sirius and it's not like she can do anything regardless. But she doesn't.

'Eh,' Sirius says, 'not that great.' He pauses before going on. 'Do you know why Snape hates Remus so?'

'Cause he was friends with you. Which personally I don't really find fair-'

'Yes, but not only that.' He takes a deep breath. 'I'm really not proud about what I'm about to say so bear with me. We were in our third year when I decided to play a prank on Snape. I…told him to go after Remus during one of his transformations.'

She distances herself from him. At least he looks ashamed, she thinks. 'That's horrid… you could have killed him. And Remus would have been the one to live with it! As if he doesn't hate himself enough!'

'I know,' he replies, refusing to look at her. 'I was stupid. Then Snape became a Death Eater and that was how I tried to justify it.'

'That's idiotic. I don't know how he forgave you. That's how Snape found out about him too, isn't it?'

He nods in shame. An horrific cry comes from behind the door and she flinches in fright. She almost gets up, but she has to remind herself. It's Remus. Remus wouldn't hurt them and most importantly, Remus is in pain.

'I think that's why he truly believed I was the spy. Rightfully so. I'm really trying to make it right this time, but I don't think I'm doing too great of a job to be honest.'

'Yeah, you're kind of a git,' she replies. 'But you had 12 years in Azkaban so we gotta forgive you I guess.'

He gives out a weak smile. 'Azkaban is going to emotionally destroy you.' He says 'It takes guts for you to stay here. You must be exhausted; you should go rest and prepare.'

'I should…' she closes her eyes as another piercing howl breaks the air. A small thud follows after which Remus seems to yelp. He's hurt himself. He's hurt himself and she cannot go in. she wants to run away and crawl under her covers. She cannot bear to hear him like this.

'You're not going to leave thought, are you?' Sirius asks.

She shakes her head and sips her coffee as another thud follows. 'You should be in there with him…'

'He's not letting me, I told you-'

'So try harder!' she snaps. Sirius flinches and stares at the ground. 'I'm sorry, I-'

'No, it's all right. I should try harder. It's just very hard when he hates himself like this. You feel so powerless and he keeps pushing you away and…. He does it on purpose, I think. He feels the need to punish himself. He wants to be alone to punish himself…'

'What for?'

'I dunno. I've stayed with him for about a year. He's starting kicking me out recently. Like a few months ago.'

'Maybe he blames himself for Harry? For the war?'

'Tonks, he blames himself for everything,' Sirius's voice is laced deep with pain. 'He doesn't believe he deserves good things. It's almost as if he's internalized society's perspective of people like him to the point where he actually believes it.'

Tears well up in her eyes as more howls fill the air, resonating across the house. She hates this. She hates this so much. She wants to burst in and shake him and convince him he's worthy. But of course, it wouldn't be that easy. It never is.

She wishes she could fill the deadly silence with something. Anything. But she cannot concentrate, the howls are getting louder and louder and the floor is vibrating.

'How long does this take?' she asks quietly.

'He's in pain,' Sirius replies. 'He's going to thrash around for a while, then he'll probably start to gnaw at himself to supress the urges. He'll eventually quite down and fall asleep. But that's a long way ahead.'

She nods and takes another sip of her coffee. She feels the exhaustion creeping up on her, but she needs to stay awake. There is no other option here. Besides, his cries of pain keep her awake.

'Seriously, Tonks, you should go home, there's nothing you can do…'

'I don't care,' she curls up in a more comfortable position and rests her head on his shoulder. 'I don't care. I know he feels we are here and that we love and care for him. I need to believe that otherwise the thought of him going through all that is just too painful, okay?'

'Okay,' Sirius says.