Quinn's Code 14: A Cousinly Wedding
Thursday March 23, 2006
1111 Glen Oaks Lane
It had been an ordinary day at Lawndale High. Daria Morgendorffer was relieved to be approaching home after such a long day. However that relief was soon to vanish.
As she came to the door, she could hear her mother talking on the phone with her aunt.
"Rita, that's so wonderful. I'm so happy for you! You and Erin both," her mom said.
Daria turned to her friends, Jane Lane and Jennifer Burns. "Ah, you better take a hike," she said, with some seriousness.
"Why?" Jane asked.
"Why?" Jennifer asked at the same time.
"My Mom's talking to my Aunt Rita. This aint going to be pretty," Daria explained.
"I see," Jennifer said, remembering what Daria had told her Mom's relationships with her sisters.
"Gotcha," Jane said. "Later."
"Bye," Jennifer said.
.
Daria entered the kitchen. She could see that her father was reading a newspaper and that her mother was making scribbles on a notepad as she talked to her sister. "I can't believe it. Little Erin is getting married. She's not rushing into this, I hope? Oh no, of course not. Twenty one is... I'm not implying anything for goodness sake! Rita, I'm just... This is so exciting! Where? Uh-huh, uh huh... That sounds lovely. I presume Mom's footing the bill? No, never!"
"Your cousin Erin is getting married," Jake Morgendorffer said to his daughter with a little stress as she sat down.
"So, I gathered," Daria said.
"You know there'll be hell to pay."
Helen hung the phone up and sat down. "Well, guess you heard all the wonderful news. Little Erin is getting married." She lowered her voice. "At the Windsor Hills Resort in Leeville."
Jake was impressed. "Whoa-ha! That'll set Rita back a pretty penny," he said.
"Not, Rita, Mother." Helen said harshly. "Nothing but the best for her favorite daughter's darling offspring."
"Windsor Hills. They've got that legendary thirteenth hole!" Jake said in wonder.
"Forget it, Jake. No golf. Wedding."
Daria's sister Quinn entered the kitchen.
"I'm almost sorry I'm going to miss this," Daria said.
"On the contrary; you and Quinn are going to be bridesmaids," Helen said. She lowered her voice. "I made sure of that."
Daria's eyes widened with shock. "Bridesmaids!"
Quinn burst into a frenzy of excitement. "That is going to be great!"
"We only a couple days to prepare..." Helen warned.
Friday March 24, 2006
Daria, Jane and Jennifer were walking in downtown Lawndale. "What a hideous twist of fate. Me, a bridesmaid," Daria exclaimed for the umpteenth time.
Jane decided to humor her this time. "Aw, it won't be that bad. I mean, sure, you'll have to wear some frilly peach-color dress that makes you look like a circus freak, and you'll be pinched on the cheeks by old uncles who'll still think you're six years old, and..." she was interrupted by Daria announcing...
"Here we are."
.
They then entered the shop. The sales lady took one look at Daria and said. "I'm sorry, we only do weddings, not funerals."
"Believe me, I'd rather a funeral," Daria said.
"You don't have to get married if you don't want to, or do you?"
"I'm a bridesmaid in the Chambers-Danielson wedding."
"Um – um!" The saleslady said as she looked up the information on the computer. "Here it is. Pity, they're such lovely dresses."
"What do you mean by that?" Daria asked.
"Well, you don't look like you have much of a figure, do you dearie?" The saleslady said with a condescending tone.
"Well, you don't look like you have much of a figure, do you dearie?"
Daria grumbled. "It depends on how competent the one doing the fitting is, doesn't it?" She said her voice dangerously low.
'Uh oh!' Jane thought. It was starting to look like that time at the Mall of the Millenium. "Um, Daria?"
Daria heard her friend. "Huh?" she asked, her emotions still in turmoil.
"I think we should wait and see before accusing someone of incompetence," Jane said.
Daria could see what Jane was doing, but she managed to calm down. "Good point, Jane," she said in her customary monotone.
"Come this way, dearie."
'Does she call everyone that?' Daria wondered.
.
It was uncomfortable. Daria fidgeted. It was just as she had feared. The dress was ill fitted and to make it more infuriating, the seamstress was continually pricking her with a pin. She silently steamed. 'She is incompetent!' she thought. Not for the first time.
"Nature didn't see fit to give you much in the way of hips, did she, dearie?"
"That shouldn't be a problem!" Daria said, with a merely annoyed tone.
"Turn around please."
"Oh, Scarlet, You grow lovelier by the day," Jane said in a southern accent while batting her eyebrows.
Daria sighed. "I'll kill you."
Jane merely smiled.
.
Suddenly a voice that Daria had least expected to hear squeaked out her name. "Daria?"
"Brittany?"
Brittany Taylor, one of the cheerleaders at Lawndale High, had entered the bridal shop.
"What are you doing here?" both asked at the same time.
"Isn't it obvious?" An Arab shiek's in town to buy a few more wives," Jane joked.
"They're putting on a bridal expo in the gym. We're modelling," Brittany explained.
"A Bridal Expo, that's a good message to be sending to high school students..." Daria snarked. 'Why is Ms. Li doing that?' she pondered.
"I wonder what sort of extracurricular activities would lead to a wedding..." Jane said.
'I'm sure our Principal may have taken the idea into account,' Daria thought. She was sure that Jane was onto something.
"What about you? Are you in a play or something?" Brittany asked.
"No," Daria said. She had had enough.
Brittany then went off...
The 'seamstress' pricked Daria with a pin again, harder this time. "Ouch."
"Hold still. I'm having a hard time with your body as it is."
'That's it,' Daria thought.
"You shouldn't have said that!" Jane said to the 'seamstress'.
"I'm just underdeveloped!" Daria said with an edge to her voice.
"I'm doing my best, dearie!"
"Could you start again?" Daria asked, trying to calm down.
"That would be a good idea," Jane suggested.
"I won't!"
"I'm not paying for it," Daria added, with a calmer tone.
"Fine!" the 'seamstress' said.
.
Finally, Daria was ready. The seamstress had improved upon her second try, but still had made disparaging remarks about Daria's figure. 'I am going to blog about this!' she thought. She was sure that Jane and Jennifer hadn't discovered all of her blogs.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
After a long drive, the Morgendorffers arrived at the Windsor Hills Resort for Erin's Wedding. "This is an expensive vehicle. Be careful with it," Jake told the valet.
"Yeah, right," the valet said, just before driving off with Jake's Lexus.
"Helen!" Rita Barksdale called.
"Rita!" Helen called as she hugged her sister.
"How are you, Jake?" Rita asked.
"Well, I'm not that..."
"Oh, the girls look lovely," Rita interrupted. She indicated a man next to her. "Everyone, this is Paul, my beau."
"Hello," Paul said,
"Paul Meyerson?" Jake asked.
"Jake?" Paul asked. He quickly realised where he knew Jake from. "Jake and I were in boy scouts together. You bring your clubs?"
Jake grumbled.
"Dad, what was that you said about knowing how to pick 'em?" Daria asked. 'I guess, he's willing to see the best in Paul.'
"Oh, Daria..."
.
A sports car then arrived.
"Who's that?" Daria wondered.
"Aunt Amy?" Quinn asked.
Amy Barksdale got out of the car. "I don't mind a few dents, but change the radio station and a you're a dead man," she said with heavy sarcasm.
"Amy, how delightful. I thought you weren't coming," Rita said.
"I wasn't, but I thought if you two could put aside years of bitterness and resentment, then so can I... for a day," Amy answered.
"Oh, Amy, why do you say such ridiculous things?" Helen asked.
"Out loud?" Amy asked rhetorically as she passed between her sisters. "So, Jake. You're still with Helen, huh? Shows remarkable fortitude." She turned to Paul. "And Roger. How's the skydiving going?"
"Amy, Roger passed away. This is Paul," Helen pointed out.
Amy quickly recovered from her faux pas. "Oh, sorry. Paul, how do you do?"
"Who's Roger?" Paul asked.
"A female bovine failed to sufficiently break his fall," Daria answered. She wondered how Paul would react to that.
"Ick!" Paul responded.
"He was one of the lucky ones," Quinn said meaningfully.
"Girls!" Helen admonished.
"Hey, what's the point of a senseless tragedy if you can't find a little humour in it? I like the way both of you think, particularly you, Quinn."
Daria grumbled.
"Now, Amy. I don't know where we're going to seat you..." Rita began as she lead her younger sister into the building.
"I need a drink," Helen said.
Jake laughed.
"Why are you laughing?" Helen asked.
Jake stopped laughing as he followed his wife inside.
"You know, Quinn, Aunt Amy's really weird," Daria said, trying to stirr Quinn up.
Quinn didn't take the bait. "Yes, she is," she said. 'My kind of weird,' she added to herself. It was going to be great, catching up with her aunt.
.
As the wedding party prepared for the actual ceremony, it was threatening rain. "Oh, it can't rain on Brain and Erin's wedding. It just can't," one of the bridesmaids said.
"That would be so awful. I couldn't stand it," another said.
"On the contrary. Rain is an ancient symbol of fertility. Every couple should be so lucky," a teenage groomsman said in a monotone.
"Oh, don't you see? A little rain won't spoil the happiest day of Brian and Erin's life," a third bridesmaid said.
Daria and Quinn approached them. "A little heavenly, isn't it Daria?" Quinn asked. 'I know she'd think the opposite...'
"You must be Erin's cousin," the third bridesmaid said.
"We both are," Daria said.
"I shall introduce you to your escorts," the bridesmaid said. She led them to a handsome young man. "Daria, Quinn, this is Garrett. Garrett will be with Quinn.
"Of course," Daria said. She walked off with the bridesmaid.
"Quinn, you're just about the loveliest thing I ever saw," Garrett said. "I kinda imagined the hair would be longer though," he added.
"You like it?" Quinn asked as she did a pirouette. "It's been like this for a year or so," she added.
"Yes," Garrett answered.
"That's cool. Say, you like games?"
"Daria, this is your escort, Lurhman," the bridesmaid said, indicating the monotone teen from earlier. She then left.
"Of course," Daria said.
"How do you do, Da-rye-a?"
"It's Daria, actually."
"Sorry."
"So, Luhrman. Is that your first name or your last name?"
"Does it matter?"
"Not really," Daria said.
Lawndale
The Bridal Expo at Lawndale High was in full swing. Charles Ruttheimer III was announcing. "Here's lovely Brittany in a sleeky and latiny number from Lanurb that says that this may be my wedding day, but dammit, I want to dance!"
Her boyfriend, Kevin Thompson, was in the stands. But he was sleeping. His friend Michael 'Mack' Mckenzie shook him to wake him up. "Wake up! It's Brittany!"
"What? Huh?" Kevin said. He accidently spilled soda on his pants. He stood up. "Oh man!"
"I think you're blowing our cover," Mack said.
"I don't think so!" Kevin objected.
Brittany saw Kevin in the stands. "Kevin, what are you doing here?"
"Surprise, babe!"
"Ooooh!" Brittany projected as she walked off the stage.
"Now you have," Mack said.
.
On the other side of the hall, Jennifer and three of her other friends, Cindy Brolsma, Kristen Leung-Bell and Stacy Rowe, laughed.
Leeville
The reception had started. Lurhman mumbled something. Daria couldn't make it out. "What did you say?"
"Just a little pointless chit chat. Forget it. Would you like another soda?"
"No thanks," Daria said.
"Or shall we just split a bottle of drain cleaner?" Daria glared at him. "Please be assured my remark was intended in jest, and not as an incitement to any type of self-destructive behavior."
Daria was impressed. She thought that they could get along. "You're not from around here, are you?"
"Not very far," Lurhman answered, his voice unchanged.
.
Quinn was in over her head. She had gained the minister's attention. She was sure that it wasn't the right kind of attention. "A wild, rolling, surging ocean of love, on which we, as mere individuals, have no control. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
"A little," Quinn said as she tried to put to words her objections. Daria came by.
Hi, Quinn. Hi Father," she said.
"Actually, I'm a minister, not a priest," the minister clarified.
"The important thing is, you're the voice of morality in the community," Daria said as she passed by to the bathrooms.
"You know, my sister has a point!" Quinn said, backing off.
"I don't get your meaning," the minister said.
"I think you do!" Quinn said, backing off again.
"Wait!"
"Gotta go!"
"Wait!" he said, a little louder.
.
Meanwhile, when she had done her business, Daria found Amy at the sinks. "I hate myself in a formal dress, and everyone else, too. You don't look too thrilled at things, either."
"Oh, no. I'm overjoyed to be at this big family event. Day to day life isn't humiliating enough," Daria responded.
"Let's see, you're in college now, or something," Amy guessed.
"Still high school, unfortunately," Daria responded. 'She has been out of contact with Mom long enough to have lost contact,' she thought.
"I have some vague memories of high school, but these days, you all carry weapons, right?"
"Well, not to formal occasions like this."
"That's where you kids make your mistake," Amy thought for a moment. "I thought when turned thirty I would stop feeling out of place at these things."
"You feel out of place?" Daria asked in surprise.
"You didn't notice that my sisters are busy competing with each other that I don't even register on their radar?"
"Sounds like Quinn and I," Daria mused. "But I figured that you were above all that." She paused. "I mean, you're kind of..." She trailed off, not wanting to use the word she was thinking of out loud to an adult.
Amy knew what word she was going to say. "Cool?"
"Um..."
"I know, you can't say that to me. Law of the teenagers."
"Thank you for respecting it."
"When I was a kid, with Helen and Rita going at it all the time, all they left to me was to supply the color commentary. Then one day, I found myself all grown up, with my own point of view, and feeling no particular obligation to listen to anyone else's BS ever.
"So it actually turned out really well," Darai commented.
"Unless I have to see my sisters at a wedding, yeah. Sarcasm. It's a wonderful way to deal." Amy paused and put on her glasses. "But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"
Daria smirked.
Lawndale
Mack and his girlfriend Jodie Landon met, Cindy Brolsma, Kristen Leung-Bell and Jennifer Burns. "You're sick of this expo too, huh?" he asked the three friends.
"Yes," Cindy answered.
"I don't know why Ms. Li organised it," Kristen said, with annoyance. She shook her head. 'She's out of control.'
"You want to complain to her?" Jodie asked.
"Yes," Kristen answered.
"I think so too," Jodie said.
"Let's do it," Jennifer contributed.
"Sure," Jodie said. "She should be in her office."
.
Soon, they found the Principal in her office.
.
"Why are you here?" she asked as she looked up from the paperwork on the desk.
"Asking why you organised the bridal expo," Kristen said.
"That is really none of your business," the Principal protested.
"You said the same thing about Amazon Models," Jodie pointed out.
The Principal was flustered. "Yes. And someone cracked my email and in order to get that Mercenary to visit!"
"It wasn't anyone here," Jennifer pointed out.
"That is obvious," the principal said. "I have my suspicions, but there is no proof. As far as the current Bridal expo is concerned. It's none of your business." She paused for effect. "As far as that cracker is concerned, he or she will not hear about this. And if they do, they won't find out the reason. But I will know that unauthorised activities were carried out."
"Ms. Li. I have no idea what you're talking about," Jodie said.
"I know you don't, Ms. Landon," the Principal said before Jodie could say anything more.
'I do know, but I'm not saying anything,' Cindy thought. Quinn had told her her suspicions.
"But the question is still valid," Jodie pressed.
"I am not answering. Good day!" the principal said.
The group exited the office.
"That didn't work," Mack commented.
"Obviously," Kristen stated.
Jodie turned to Jennifer. "Spill!" She said.
"What do you mean?" Jennifer asked, with surprise.
"You told Ms. Li that it wasn't anyone here. Therefore you do know who it was," Jodie answered.
"It's best that we talk elsewhere," Cindy interjected.
"Sure," Jodie said.
Leeville
"Oh, it was a lovely ceremony, wasn't it?" Rita asked.
"It really was, Rita," Jake answered.
"I'm just so sorry Mom couldn't be here."
"Don't worry, she'll get to live it all vicariously when the bills arrive," Helen commented. "Jake, how about getting me another glass of wine?"
It was obvious she had had a few already. "Gee, honey, maybe you shouldn't..." he admonished.
Helen was having none of that. "Jake, I'd really like a glass of wine, now."
"Right!" Jake said as he left.
"Helen, you're not bitter about this."
"Rita, please. Why would I be bitter?" she asked rhetorically. "You and Erin deserve the best. You always have." She meant the last part to sting.
"Oh, so I should be punished forever because I made a few bad decisions," Rita retorted.
Amy approached. "Hi. What are you two arguing about now?"
"Arguing? We're not arguing," Helen retorted.
"Still mad because Dad gave Rita that MG and all you got was a Plymouth Valiant?" Amy asked.
"My goodness, Amy, the things you remember," Rita commented.
"It was a Dodge Dart," Helen added.
Lawndale
Jodie, Mack, Kristen, Jennifer, Stacy and Cindy arrived at a pizza place frequented by Lawndale High students.
"So, tell me about the cracking," Jodie said to Cindy after they had ordered and sat down.
"It's only Quinn's suspicion; it may be baseless," Cindy said.
"But you agree with her," Jodie added.
"I do," Cindy said.
"So, spill!" Jodie encouraged.
"Quinn thinks that it's Andrea Hecuba," Jennifer said.
Jodie turned to Kristen. "And you agree?" she asked.
"I agree," Kristen said simply.
"Why does Quinn think it's her?"
"Strange vibes she has felt since joining the Programming Club and the fact that Daria used to subscribe to Conroy's magazine," Cindy answered.
"Let me get this straight, Quinn thinks that Daria asked Andrea to ensure that General Conroy would come into the school?" Jodie asked, picking up on the second part of Cindy's statement.
"Yes," Cindy answered.
"Right," Jodie said as she thought about it.
"Clearly, cracking was involved. Ms. Li looked quite shocked when the General said that he had the email and receipt," Mack pointed out.
"I remember," Jodie said. "But there's no reason to blame Andrea either. It could be all Daria, or another person entirely."
Jennifer remained silent. She didn't want to implicate Daria any more than she may have been already.
"So, you want to keep an eye on both of them?" Mack asked.
"Yes," Jodie said.
They then remained in silence until the pizzas arrived.
Leeville
In the meantime, Helen had continued to drink. "Honey, maybe we ought to think about getting back," Jake said.
"No, my little party's just beginning," Helen objected. "Waiter!"
"Here, I'll get you some coffee and wedding cake," Jake said trying to defuse the situation.
"Oh, Rita would love that, seeing me balloon up right in front of her."
"Helen, um, you're being kind of loud."
"Oh, no! We don't want a scene do we? We don't want to spoil the lovely wedding that lovely mother spent so much lovely money on."
Paul arrived at the table at that moment. "Is everything okay here?" he asked.
"Well, you're right about one thing; she sure knows how to pick'em!" Helen said in her intoxicated state.
"Hey!" Paul cried out.
"Keep it down!" Jake cried out.
"Wanna make me?" Paul asked.
Rita and Erin then arrived. "What's going on? Helen?" Rita asked, shocked at the scene.
Erin was even more shocked. "Oh, you know perfectly well what's going on, Mother. Your pathetic boyfriend is making a scene!"
"What do you mean, pathetic?" Paul asked.
"Look in the mirror, pal!" Jake answered, his voice rising.
Helen stood, swaying. "I just want to say one thing, Rita. You may be the pretty one, you may be the one Mom loves, but I worked my damn butt off!"
Erin didn't like this at all! "Aunt Helen! Please!"
Brian then arrived at the table...
"What's going on? No cat fights, ladies!" he said.
"Shut the hell up, you prehistoric imbecilic!" Rita called out.
.
Amy and Daria looked at the increasing fracas with increasing worry. "Things are getting ugly. I suggest we make a hasty but unobtrusive exit," Amy suggested.
"I agree!" Daria said. She was angry at the situation, but she didn't want to get involved.
"Let's go find a place that serves cheese fries. You eat; I'll watch."
Daria turned to Luhrman. "I'm taking off."
"Oh, sure, leave me to the dogs," Luhrman said, his monotone unaffected.
"You can come if you want," Daria offered.
"No, I prefer to sit here and watch the carnage unfold. It's been fun, though," Luhrman said. He offered his hand to Daria.
Daria shook it. "Yeah," she said.
.
As they began to walk out, they heard Quinn call out. "Wait!" They turned and saw Quinn running up to them. "Don't leave me here!"
"What about Garrett?" Daria asked.
"He can look after himself," Quinn said defensively. "He knocked out that creepy minister when he started to hit on Daphne."
"I see," Daria said.
"Follow me," Amy said as Daria and Quinn followed her. "Don't look to the left or the right. There's nothing you can do for these people now."
.
They drove around Leeville, looking for a place to eat. "What would be a good place?" Amy asked her nieces.
"A fast food place," Quinn answered.
"Probably not," Daria objected.
"Maybe a place that sells fast food, but not as their primary business, like an arcade!" Quinn said.
"Quinn, I'm not in the mood for your gamer persona," Daria said.
"Persona!" Quinn objected.
"Yes. Persona, as in not your true self!" Daria said.
"What a lot of mumbo jumbo!" Quinn objected.
"Stop!" Amy said.
"What?" Quinn asked.
"You're sounding like your Mom and Rita at your age," Amy explained. She paused. "I had enough of it then."
"So, they fought from their tween years?" Quinn asked.
"If you mean, 'pre-teen', yes," Amy answered. She glanced at Daria who was still seething. "Although Helen didn't get quite that angry."
"I see," Daria said.
.
Amy waited a few seconds before asking the question again. "A bowling alley," Quinn answered.
"Daria?" Amy asked.
"That would do."
.
Ten minutes later, they found the bowling alley.
"Amy, is life always tawdry, stupid, and humiliating, or is it just a phase?" Daria asked.
"Oh, Daria!" Quinn said with exasperation.
"A phase that I'm expected to grow out of any time now," Amy answered. She noted Quinn's response, but decided that she hadn't hit that phase yet. 'Or if she has, she's either hiding it really well, or has friends who help her see the good stuff,' she thought. She remembered that Rita had had plenty of friends back in high school, but she still had her down moments.
"Um, sure," Quinn said, uncertain.
As they entered, they saw that Brian had beat them there. He was sitting there watching tv. "One three-time hubby is not enough for this red hot mammal. The polygamous hippopotamus, when Sick Sad World returns."
"I'm not going back there. I don't care who sent you."
"Does he look familiar to you?" Amy asked.
"I think I saw him on America's Least Wanted," Daria said.
Quinn giggled in response to Daria's statement.
.
Soon they sat at a table. "I suppose you want to ask me what your mother was like as a child," Amy said.
"You already gave some hints," Quinn pointed out.
"True," Amy said.
"Okay, what else?" Daria asked.
"A tightly wound pain in the ass," Amy answered.
"That's still true!" Quinn said with a slightly subdued giggle.
"Tell me more," Amy encouraged.
"No, we need a new topic," Daria said with irritation.
"I'm curious," Amy said.
"Earlier this year, she tried to introduce ridiculous rules, and put us through a 'Family Court'!" Quinn elaborated.
"That..." Amy began with disbelief.
"Very annoying..." Daria began. She paused. "Like a certain sister..."
"Dar-i-a! Amy would like to know!"
"We'll talk about something else, later. At the moment, Quinn. I'd like to know more,"
"It started after Daria and I arrived home late," Quinn began.
.
Back at the reception. Daphne was trying to soothe, Garret's wounds, both to his body, and to his ego.
"I don't know what happened. One minute I had him, and then..."
"Shush, Garrett," Daphne said. "It's very sweet, sticking up for me."
"Yes..." He stopped, in pain.
'He's cute,' Daphne thought.
.
Out on the golf course, despite the fact that it was night, someone was there. "Sir, wouldn't this be more enjoyable in the day time?" a caddy asked.
Jake was enjoying himself plenty, focusing on the game, trying not the worry about his wife causing a scene with her family. "Don't talk son. You're shaking the light," he said to the caddy.
Finis