Happy Monday everyone :)
This is Part II of the Descent and still a very heavy chapter while we're down here.
Again, we see both Lara and Cullen's struggle as well as another Solas POV.
TW: Nightmares, anxiety, vomiting, and sexual assault/sexual trauma.
Mental health always comes first so please skip any parts that are triggering for you x
Without further ado…
—-
Chapter 41:
The taste of vomit was becoming more frequent than the taste of food. The next morning, Lara rushed out of her tent to the ledge of Heidrun Thaig, watching her vomit fly away to the depths below her. Her breakfast left as quick as it went in. Reading those scrolls turned out to be a huge mistake. She should've returned them back. The information imprinted into her brain, unable to erase them. It would now haunt her for the rest of her journey.
Ogres, genlocks, hurlocks. shrieks. They all were darkspawn but of different origins. Ogres came from Qunari, genlocks from dwarves, hurlocks from humans, and shrieks from elves. But all of them originated from the Broodmother. Female darkspawn do not exist, but during raids, they will take females captive, taking them down below. In the depths where Lara now stood. She would be fed darkspawn tissue with the darkspawn spewing into her mouth. Once mutation starts, they become cannibalistic and become Broodmothers by satiating those urges. That information was enough to make the vomit come rushing out of her.
How many women screamed from torture here. She was standing in the very place where their screams echoed. She felt sick to her stomach. So much about the world she didn't know. So much she'd rather not know. It was unlikely she would ever forget it.
Heavy footsteps came from behind her. She didn't dare look. The men had seen her in this position far too much that she lost count. Whatever shred of Inquisitor she might've felt before, that was stripped away the second she stepped foot on that lift.
"Here, Boss. You should take this," Bull spoke to her.
Lara wiped her mouth on the back of her hand. Slowly she sat back from the ledge, trying to stand herself up but lost her balance as the world around her spun violently. A large hand grabbed her from falling over, steadying her. As the world came back into focus, she spotted a vial in Bull's hand. A pale yellow color.
"Please don't tell me that's piss," Lara groaned.
Bull let out a hearty laugh. How he could even manage to laugh through all this was beyond her. She tried to shut out the unwanted images of a Qunari Broodmother from her mind as she watched him laugh. Not again. She couldn't vomit again.
"I promise it's not. It's a Qun tonic, more of an antidote really. Remember when they stabbed me and I said I would be puking my guts out if I didn't take something?" Bull asked.
Lara only nodded.
"That's what this is. I know you're not poisoned but it does stop the vomiting. I keep some on me at all times, especially now that I'm…well, you know," Bull shrugged.
Tal-Vashoth. Lara knew, but didn't say it. She knew Bull still struggled with his new title even if he would always be Bull to her.
"Anyways, you've puked enough. I've actually grown fond of you and it hurts to see you like this, Boss. Don't tell the big guy I said that," Bull winked.
Lara couldn't even smile. The idea of it felt awful, especially in a place like this.
"I will gladly give one of these guys up for you," Bull finished, handing her the vial.
Lara sighed, taking the vial from Bull. She opened it with a pop and smelled it. Nothing offensive, thankfully. Bull didn't comment, just waited for her to take it. Closing her eyes, she shakily brought the vial to her lips and downed the contents. Tasteless. Thank the Maker.
"Thanks," Lara spoke softly as she handed the vial back to Bull.
"Don't mention it, Boss. Dorian has some food waiting for you. At least you'll be able to keep it down now," Bull smiled.
He didn't take his hand off her as he walked her back to her tent, where Dorian indeed was waiting with some food prepared. She had only managed some bites earlier but that hadn't lasted long. Maybe now she could take advantage of the extra food that awaited her.
—-
The lift down had sent Lara into another panic. Her breaths were ragged and shaky as her body trembled, her heart racing. Dorian held her and Blackwall guided her through breathing again. She squeezed her eyes shut trying to steady herself. Further down in the depths they went. Further away from the surface, from sunlight. Further down into where darkspawn were waiting for her. Thankfully, Bull's antidote had worked. Despite the nausea, the urge to vomit did not make itself known. Her stomach was safe until the antidote wore off.
As they ventured, they encountered some scattered darkspawn. Their behavior was more erratic. More bloodthirsty. Their origins came back to Lara's mind causing her to shudder.
"The darkspawn are getting worse. We must be near a nest," Renn spoke.
"A…nest?" Lara asked shakily.
"Darkspawn hoarded together. Some manage to escape, venture elsewhere. We need to be on our guard," Renn continued onwards.
Her stomach churned. Hell was indeed waiting for her. As they used the gears to open the next door, the stench hit her causing her to gag. She was even more thankful for Bull's antidote as the smell alone would've caused her to vomit. Taint, rotten flesh, blood, death. It hit her with such a force she was not prepared for. This layer of the Roads was up in flames, with the screeches of darkspawn echoing through the roar of the fire. Stones were scattered throughout, holes in between, most likely where the darkspawn were crawling in from. It was as if another Blight was taking place here in the Deep Roads, the surface being completely unaware of what was about to be unleashed if they didn't stop it. If this was what Corypheus wanted, to unleash another Blight, he was succeeding.
The Shrieks didn't waste a minute surrounding them, bloodthirsty as the black taint foamed around their mouth, leaked out of their eyes. They were ready to feast. Lara immediately put her shield up, praying to the Maker what little mana she had left would get her through this nightmare. Inquisition soldiers were soon behind them, with Rylen guiding them. They were going to need all the assistance they could get.
Her party began their attack with Bull and Blackwall happily slashing away with their blades. Bull seemed to be enjoying the screeches of the darkspawn as they perished under his blade. Dorian focused on fire, using the element around him to direct it towards the darkspawn. To burn them. Lara focused on keeping up the shields for as long as possible whilst trying to save what energy she had left for her rift magic should it be needed. Her body trembled as she kept up the shields but her mind focused on her party. On keeping them alive. On protecting them. Solas's words rang in her ears, his words of wisdom as he guided her with her magic. She shut everything else out. His words kept her grounded.
The darkspawn attacked in waves. After the Shrieks, they were greeted by Hurlocks. Some with arrows. Humans. They originated from humans. A human woman was tortured to create the monster that stood before them. Lara shook her head, erasing it. Solas. His words. Her energy. Her magic. The shields increased in power as she focused. It was all she could give but it was enough. They needed it to be safe. The screeches continued to increase which meant they were successful in removing them. Forward they continued on. Forward the Inquisition marched.
Genlocks. Mixed with an Emissary. A tough combination. If an Emissary was here, then these darkspawn were being commanded. To serve an Archdemon rather than themselves. Lara ignored it. No Archdemon was going to be served tonight. She would make sure of it. Despite the panic scratching at her throat, itching under her skin, she took a deep breath and focused on her shield. While Bull and Blackwall slashed away at the Genclocks, Dorian focused his necromancing on the Emissary. Her energy flowed through the shields, covering them. Protecting them. It was all she could do, it was all that kept her from falling apart.
A deafening silence. The screeching ceased. Quiet. Lara opened her eyes. No more darkspawn. Only minor injuries amongst the soldiers. No one dared to celebrate. Not here. Not when there could be more of them lurking. The soldiers wasted no time in sealing any holes where more could crawl out of. Lara dropped her shields once she was sure it was clear and her knees buckled causing her to stumble as she cried out. Too damn weak. A strong arm soon caught her before she fell completely on the floor.
"I've got ya, lass," Rylen's voice echoed.
Dorian was soon by her side, with a potion in hand. He glared at her, daring her to protest. She didn't. Instead, she took it. There was still that room at the end of the path that they needed to go through and she was sure that there would be something waiting for them there. They had gone through nearly every kind, except ogres. They had to be somewhere.
They took this moment to regroup. Wounds assessed, supplies counted, maps being observed, plans being made. Rylen sat Lara down on a rock nearby and had joined his soldiers, planning, strategizing. The men hung onto his every word. Cullen had picked his Second in Command well. Lara watched everything unfold in front of her. It still felt so distant, like she was an outsider watching this happen to others. Watching it happen to herself. Watching someone else's memory. Blackwall sat next to her with a grunt, readjusting his armor, cleaning his blade.
"I'm not much use, am I?" She whispered but Blackwall still heard her.
"Don't discredit yourself. We each have a role to play but our aim is survival. Your shield keeps us alive. Saves us from the taint of those fucking monsters," Blackwall shook his head in disgust.
"I'm supposed to be Inquisitor," She whispered again, her eyes still in a haze as she watched.
"You being Inquisitor doesn't mean much down here. We don't need an Inquisitor in these depths. We need you as you are, fighting by our side," Blackwall faced her.
Lara didn't respond. Perhaps he was right. Perhaps her shield was enough. Perhaps she was enough even if she didn't feel it. Had she not had enough energy to use her shields, the injuries would have been far worse. It eased her slightly even if she was detaching from reality without realizing. A coping mechanism for what she was unable to deal with. It was easier to detach than to experience the emotions that were suffocating her. Choking her.
—-
As she expected, the Ogres were waiting for them right through that archway. She thanked the Maker she hadn't unleashed her rift magic unnecessarily because they needed it now if they were to defeat them. The haunted draft of the tunnels where the darkspawn had emerged from kissed her skin. She could've sworn she heard the echo of the calling through the tunnels, from whatever lurked below in the darkness.
Taking a deep inhale, she unleashed her shields with an exhale. She wasn't Inquisitor. She was a Protector. Keeping everyone safe was enough. These people who fought tirelessly by her side, namely her party, she would fight day and night to keep them alive. Even if she lost herself in the process.
Ogres. Qunari. Did Bull know a Qunari woman birthed these monsters? Did he know he was fighting something that originated from him? Lara shook her head again, wincing. Not now. Solas. His words. Her shield. Her magic. She shut her eyes focusing on the flow of her mana through the shields, intensifying them. Guaranteeing them their life.
Another Emissary. This time an Alpha. The true commander. At the gates where the darkspawn were being unleashed. Dorian focused on it while Blackwall, Renn, and Bull focused on the Ogres. The Inquisition soldiers focused on the Genlocks that now swarmed them. It was an ambush of darkspawn.
"Cut down the Emissary leader, and they're done!" Renn called out.
"What do you possibly think I'm doing? Dancing?" Dorian replied sarcastically.
"Shut it!" Renn shouted back.
"A little gratitude wouldn't kill you," Dorian continued, as he aimed well at the Emissary causing it to change position.
Renn only grunted as he glared at him.
The fight continued on with every agonizing second. The Emissary Alpha was strong, it's magic dark and powerful. It too could hold up a shield, but Dorian could spell his way through it. Break down its defenses. On and on it went until Lara sensed most of the party was slowly becoming depleted. The Ogres were finally defeated but the Genlocks kept coming. It was a dance, forwards and backwards, each side trying to hold their own. Lara took a deep breath, igniting the Anchor. Dorian caught wind of the green hue and smirked. She unleashed her rift magic, covering them all in that sickly green hue suspending time between now and the Fade. Her party wasted no time in giving their heaviest blows, knowing their enemies were now rendered helpless. Her mark was an edge that they had, even if it was slowly killing her.
Her emotions were strong as she conjured them up. As she forced herself to face them. The paralyzing fear, the worry, the doubt, the panic. It choked her but she focused on flowing them into her magic, holding it strong.
You are the controller of your emotions. You will them where to go. They do not control you.
Solas's words rang in her head. If she was not careful, her emotions would consume her one day. But she learned how to place them even if they consumed her. To let them unleash her magic, but she was the one placing them. She was the one summoning them. With a deafening screech and a purple hue from Dorian's necromancy, the Emissary dissipated before them. Lara choked out a sob as she lost her balance, releasing the Anchor. She was still too damn weak and her magic was only causing her to further weaken. The only blessing was that her stomach held up but she was already feeling the antidote fade from her body.
—-
The tunnels on each side were sealed, the haunting song now silenced but Lara could've sworn it still whispered to her. Every aspect of this place haunted her just like she feared it would have. Past the doors was a small landing called the Ancient Lift. Lara nearly cried at the idea of another lift, taking her further down into another layer of this nightmare. Into whatever else awaited in those depths below. She hated that they were setting up camp here but they needed to. After the grueling long hours of fighting, everyone needed their rest. And their stamina.
Lara sat and watched as the soldiers set up the tents. Their casualties were still minimal, thankfully, but the exhaustion was heavy amongst the soldiers. Luckily, at the Legion Camp up above, more supplies had arrived from Skyhold. Other Legion members were on their way down with the supplies. Josephine must have been working overtime to make sure everything was well stocked.
Rylen and Dorian were muttering angrily amongst each other but she had no energy to even eavesdrop. Most likely it was about her. Her lack of energy, her lack of eating, how distant she was. Bull sat down next to her, a smile on his face. His bloodlust was satisfied.
"They're only worried about you, Boss," Bull said.
"Who?" Lara asked, her mind detaching again.
"Rylen and Dorian. It's what they're arguing about. They're scared you won't make it and they're not sure what to do about that," Bull shrugged.
Lara couldn't even reply. She waited for the guilt, for the shame. That it was a mistake bringing her, that she was a mistake. It never came. Emptiness.
Bull sat with her in silence as he cleaned and sharpened his blade. He didn't push her to talk and Lara was grateful. His presence alone was comforting, his silence appreciated. It helped her feel less lonely in this nightmare. Dorian soon made his way over with two rations in hand.
"Will you eat or do I have to feed you again?" Dorian raised an eyebrow.
Lara didn't dare speak. If she did, she would cry and right now, she preferred being empty.
"Feeding you it is then," Dorian nodded, preparing the food.
"You don't look so good yourself, big guy," Bull watched Dorian.
"This place is not meant for people like Lara and I. You know damn well I'm not coping but someone has to care for her," Dorian sighed.
His response twisted her heart, but only a little. He was holding it together. For her. Because she couldn't hold herself together. It was a rare moment where Dorian exposed a piece of himself. Not just to her, but to Bull. His lover. In front of her.
"I know. I'm always here for you. You too, Boss," Bull nudged her slightly.
"At least you didn't vomit again after this morning," Dorian spoke to her.
"I gave her an antidote. It's really meant for poison but it stops the vomiting," Bull confessed.
"I–you didn't mention…Thank you," Dorian gave a small warm smile to his lover.
"For you, Kadan," Bull gently brushed his fingers across Dorian's cheek as he rose to go to his tent.
Lara didn't miss the blush that coloured Dorian's face as he looked away from her. Even here in these depths, Bull knew Dorian. Knew that here wasn't the time to banter with him. That he too was struggling. It was the first time Lara saw any color in his face since being down here. Images of Cullen now rushed into her mind causing her to wince. She had fought so hard to keep any thoughts of him at bay. To forget the nightmares of him. With her energy depleted, she had no way to keep her mental shields up when she had used it all up physically. The food did nothing to distract her. It smelled like taint, all of it. The stench of what they had witnessed clung to her. Not all the fancy baths in Orlais could remove it from her skin.
Dorian forced her but she could only manage a few bites before the nausea hit her. Her stomach churned and she didn't have the energy to stop herself from vomiting. The antidote sounded tempting but she didn't want to drain Bull's supplies. Not when she didn't know what else awaited her down below. Dorian didn't force her but he too couldn't even finish his portion. She wondered if the stench was affecting him as much as it was her.
"That's the last of the darkspawn. We've confirmed it. The Legion is in your debt, Inquisitor," Renn approached them.
"Look at this, Renn," Valta approached him, her face in awe. "It's…ancient. Maybe a thousand years old."
Lara didn't look at the lift with the same fascination. She refused to look at it.
"Any idea who built it? Or why?" Blackwall asked, entering the conversation.
"This Thaig is on top of a lyrium mine. According to the Memories, the mine was destroyed by some unexplained disaster. The miners must have used this lift to reach the lower levels," Valta explained.
Lyrium mine. Cullen. Lyrium pouring out of his body. Cullen in the courtyard, mad on red lyrium. Lyrium protruding from his body.
Lara let out a slight whimper as she winced at the memories. Somehow she was still able to feel her heart shatter, the pain sharp across her chest. Uncertainty was killing her. She had no idea what state he was in and she didn't dare ask. It would destroy her if she knew the truth. Dorian didn't miss her reaction. He placed his hand over hers, giving her hand a slight squeeze.
"But we're not using that lift, right?" Dorian asked, sneering at the lift.
"If there is a Titan causing earthquakes, it's down there," Blackwall answered.
"I found this book with the Emissary. The pages are mostly ruined, but a few are readable. See this line? 'I awoke to the singing stone. Our kingdom trembled at the Titan's hymn'," Valta read out loud in excitement.
"It sings…like lyrium…" Lara choked out.
All eyes were suddenly on her. Dorian scooted closer to her, now knowing what, or who, was on her mind.
"Yes, a hum. The mining caste follows it to find lyrium veins. They say it's the stone calling to them," Valta explained.
Cullen must've heard the Song, the hum, when he was down here…It must've sung to him…
Memories of Cullen in his tent in the Emprise, the red lyrium dragging him in. How quickly he succumbed to it. Lara shut her eyes trying to remove it. Sleep would escape her tonight, the nightmares taking its place.
"Is it possible the darkspawn or the Emissary can hear it, too?" Blackwall asked.
"The Stone would never call to those vile creatures–but that doesn't mean they can't hear her," Valta answered, shaking her head.
"Darkspawn live and die by the Blight. They don't care for much else," Renn added in disgust.
"I didn't realize you knew so much about darkspawn motives," Valta teased.
"Not everything's a mystery, Valta. Some things are exactly as they appear," Renn offered a weak smile.
"If similar quakes happened, there must have been a way to stop them," Blackwall inquired.
"I see no solution in the text, but it's practically dust. We're lucky any words survived," Valta sighed.
"Heh, half a poem. Just what we needed," Renn grunted.
"Perhaps this will change your mind. Look here. It's the royal seal of Orseck Garal," Valta's smile returned.
That got Renn's attention as he turned to face her.
"King Orseck Garal? The book belonged to a paragon? Maybe you are onto something, Valta," Renn looked convinced.
"Of course you'd take a dead man's word over mine. Always the traditionalist," Valta shook her head.
"Hey…challenging tradition lost you a cushy position in Orzammar," Renn warned.
"Wait, what does he mean you 'lost' your position? You're not a Shaper then?" Dorian piped up at that.
"Not all Shapers have the same duties. Mine were…adjusted," Valta admitted.
"When my superiors ordered me to remove an official record from the Memories, I declined. They decided it would be best if I served the Shaperate here; finding history instead of recording it," Valta continued.
"Ah, corruption exists even down below. If Memories can be ordered to be removed, who's to say they haven't ordered any records on Titans to be removed?" Dorian tapped his chin, pondering.
"Why would they do that?" Renn asked.
"Because someone in power demanded it," Valta answered immediately.
"I'm sorry I brought it up. We don't know where this lift leads. We better prepare for tomorrow," Renn stated.
Silence. Everyone went their separate ways. If history could so easily be erased, who knew what other facts had been wiped out. Lara shuddered to think. Perhaps it was why Valta couldn't find the information she needed on Titans; someone wanted it removed. Someone was hiding something in the depths below. She almost considered writing to Skyhold to request information but thought against it. Those scrolls had haunted her enough.
Alone with her thoughts, she washed up quickly, not wanting to linger in silence for too long. Blackwall kept watch outside her tent while Dorian took the opportunity to spend some time with Bull, no doubt needing the comfort Bull offered him. She yearned for Cullen, craved his warmth, his arms holding her, his soothing voice. Closing her eyes, the faint smell of elderflower and oakmoss reached her as she felt his embrace around her. Tears slid down her face as she wrapped her arms around herself. How much she had needed him yet there was no end in sight as to when she would see him again.
Sighing, she laid down in her bed tucking herself in, silently crying herself to sleep while she kept her arms wrapped around herself tightly.
—-
Panic erupted as she found herself back in the Circle. Only it wasn't Ostwick. Templars fought around her, their blades clanking, echoing through the walls. Some ran, trying to save each other. Fire, ash, and blood clogged her nostrils. Dead bodies lay everywhere. Demons now echoed their screams throughout the Tower. Abominations. The tang of blood magic sat on her tongue. She could taste it. Was this Kinloch Hold?
Cullen.
Lara ran as fast as she could, joining in on the chaos around her. Maybe she could save him. Maybe he didn't have to be tortured. This was his reality. This was what he had endured. It was risky to meddle with time but perhaps she could stop his fate.
The cells. She needed to find them. That's where he was taken to be tortured. She scrambled across the dead bodies, shoved her way through the Templars, trying to make her way before she was too late. The long corridor ahead whispered her name. She followed it.
"Cullen!"
There he stood at the end. Watching her. A younger version of him. She panted, trying to catch her breath, her legs burning.
"Cullen, please! We have to go!" She shouted.
He only cocked his head to the side, watching her. Confused, she continued to plead with him. Why was he not joining her? Her eyes widened as a figure behind him placed an eerie hand on his shoulder, gripping him. A demon. He was captured. She was too late. Her body froze as the desire demon morphed into a scantily clad woman the second he turned towards it.
Solona.
Her heart beat furiously in her chest but her legs had turned to stone, chaining her to the ground. Cullen looked back at her and then at Solona. He chose her. She was luring him into that cell and he was…letting her. Following her. His clothes were being removed one by one until he stood naked and Lara was being forced to watch. Watch her sit him down, watch her straddle him. He had only let her strip him once and never so willingly. She couldn't move…she couldn't stop it. Bile rose in her throat.
Smirking, Solona tipped his head back and poured liquid lyrium down his throat. He licked every last drop as she rode him. As he moaned out her name. Jealousy tore at her. Anger, hatred, resentment. He had chosen an ill-infatuation over her. Chosen lyrium instead of freedom. Chosen the Order instead of a second chance. The emotions bubbled up inside of her until she screamed, unleashing her magic. That scream was then mixed with vomit as she awoke.
—-
"Vishante Kaffas!" Dorian muttered under his breath as he only just managed to get Lara on her side.
Lara heaved up the contents of her stomach as the nightmare replayed in her head, the images ingraining themselves into her memory. Gasps and sobs escaped her as she hurled and hurled into the bucket. Her body shook under Dorian's grasp but he merely rubbed circles on her back, comforting her.
"Maker's fucking Breath, lass," Rylen entered the tent, looking pale.
"Don't start," Dorian hissed.
"Half the men were petrified to death thinking someone had been attacked," Rylen rubbed his hands over his face.
"They can rest easily. It's only another nightmare," Dorian looked back at Lara, assessing her.
"Involving Cullen?" Rylen dared to ask.
Her heaves were replaced by sobs. Uncontrollable sobs. Dorian wrapped his arms around her as he sat her up on her bed. He held her to him, saying nothing. Rylen was soon on her other side, also wrapping a protective arm around her. The sentiment warmed her but it wasn't Cullen. It wasn't the safety he provided. The safety and protection he enveloped her in. The sobs wracked her body, she didn't have enough energy to fight them. Her body shook in fear, in terror, in hurt. The pain slashed her chest, it was so hard to breathe. Heartbreak. It was heartbreak she was experiencing. Fear. Her deepest fear that he would realize she wasn't worth it and abandon her. That she was just a mistake.
—-
The creak of that cell haunted him. It wouldn't go away. Back in that cell, his fate of being tortured was imminent. He couldn't escape it no matter how hard he tried. He licked his lips desperately as if a drop of lyrium would be there. How long he had been without it, he was unsure, but it was already sending him into a craze. Into a frenzy.
The demon appeared. A desire demon. His ill-infatuation being used against him while he was forced to listen to the screams of his fellow men. Forced to listen to their bodies hit the floor until there were none of them left to tell the tale. To bear the mental and physical scars as he had.
He waited for Solona. Waited for her to tempt him, to use his desires against him, his own body betraying him. Only it wasn't her. Emerald green eyes appeared before him and he stared at the woman before him in shock. He backed away into a corner, keeping distance between them.
Lara.
No. No. This was wrong. She wasn't supposed to be here. Only it was her. Her scent, her naked body. If his body had betrayed him before, it was certainly betraying him now. How could he resist her?
"Lara…don't do this…not here!" He gritted out.
She didn't listen. His deepest, darkest desires…were being demonstrated before him as she grabbed him, touched him, moved on him. He shook his head, tearing his eyes away, not wanting her to be defiled by the darkest corners of his mind. He wouldn't let the demon ruin her. Solona was one thing, but not her. Not Lara. He clenched his jaw trying to hide away his pain, trying to stop his body from reacting.
It was no use. She knew him too well, playing out his desires. Her moans, her movements…it edged him. Edged him to the point where he couldn't control it. He came, filling her. And he vomited soon after.
—-
Solas made his way to the infirmary after a scout requested him in a panic. Cullen was still not faring well. His mind was stuck somewhere in his past, somewhere where his withdrawals were keeping him stuck. It seemed he would need to go to the Fade and try to sense Cullen. Try to pry and see where his mind kept him. Cassandra was barking orders, her voice a pure panic. Cullen was drenched in sweat again, his body tense, thrashing. Another flashback.
"I will be in the Fade," Was all he said to Cassandra as he sat on the floor next to Cullen's bed.
Cassandra wasted no time in ushering the men out besides the other rebel mages who specialized in healing. They tried to contain Cullen, so he couldn't hurt himself. Solas closed his eyes, going to the place he knew inside and out. The place he had even survived physically, thanks to Lara. He would be forever grateful to her for that opportunity. He searched for Cullen and found him immediately. His panic was an alarm bell ringing wildly. Solas merely observed, not wanting to intervene or warp his dreams. It was worse than he thought. The ending was obvious to Solas and he was in the direct line should Cullen vomit. He had seen enough.
Opening his eyes, he pushed the bucket closer to Cullen, moving himself out of the way. The healers were ready, gently placing their hands on him, ready to move him on his side. His fever was spiking uncontrollably, his breath ragged. The vomit came and immediately he was pushed over on his side. Solas stepped back to join Cassandra while the mages tended to him.
"Well, what is it?" Cassandra urged.
"It's not good. He is stuck in the memory of when he was tortured, only now he is confusing his present and his past," Solas explained.
"What do you mean?" Cassandra's eyes widened.
"He was tortured by a desire demon I believe," Solas continued.
"He was. In Kinloch Hold," Leliana now joined them, confirming Solas's suspicion.
"That demon took the shape of the Hero of Ferelden?" Solas asked.
"Correct. He had once desired her and it was used against him," Leliana arched an eyebrow.
"That demon is now taking the shape of Lara," Solas sighed.
"No! That cannot be," Cassandra gasped, shaking her head.
"Memory loss," Leliana pointed out.
"What I feared might happen at some point if his withdrawals were bad enough," Solas nodded.
"I told him not to go down there. It would only haunt him with the lyrium mines being so exposed from the quakes," Leliana spat, narrowing her eyes at him.
"What's done is done. We cannot change it but we cannot let it destroy what he has with the Inquisitor. She cannot come back to that," Cassandra urged.
"I don't recommend it, especially not with his kind. For her, I will do it," Solas confirmed.
Lara had given him so much. It only made his plans more difficult to complete knowing at some point he would have to abandon her. At some point she would know the truth about him and he knew her suspicions were growing. She was a keen one for a human, sensitive to everything around her. He had not seen her coming, and that is what frustrated him most. But he would not let Cullen be taken from her. She deserved happiness even if he would hurt her in the end. A trickster was truly what he was. He had tricked Lara, her innocence too easy to manipulate. He continued to trick her with each passing day. Each day it became a burden for him.
"Do what?" Leliana questioned.
"Alter his dreams. Especially if she appears as she did now. Unlike mages, humans don't remember much of their dreams when they wake. Hopefully he won't remember this one," Solas nodded.
He made his exit, walking to Cullen's bed. His thrashing had ceased yet his breathing was still ragged as his body shook. Solas placed a hand on his forehead. Still burning but not as much as before the vomiting. The mages administered the tonic to him but he needed more. Tonics alone would not save him. He had already been too long in this state and Solas needed to act fast. Cullen was too weak without lyrium and his body could only sustain so much before giving up completely.
It was going to be a long night. A long next few days even but Solas was prepared. Prepared to spend as much time in the Fade as possible, even if he was intruding on Cullen's dreams memories. His trauma. Cassandra's words stuck to him.
She cannot come back to that.
Cassandra was covering this up and he knew she had no intention of notifying Lara. He would deal with that later and try to somehow find her in the Fade. To warn her. Right now, Cullen was more urgent. He was succumbing to his withdrawals at an alarming rate.
—-
"Shit, shit, fucking shit!" Rylen cursed as he crumpled the letter in his hand.
Rylen,
It has come to my attention that word has not gotten back to you regarding your request. I will reprimand them for it.
As for your question, the Commander is experiencing extremely severe withdrawals. He has yet to be awake. Solas is tending to him as well as any mage healers from the College. Fiona has allowed them to stay by Cullen's side until he makes a full recovery.
I will write to you if his situation improves. I hear the Inquisitor is not faring well either. Keep an eye on her.
Please keep me updated.
Leliana.
"Fuck you, Cullen," He gritted out under his breath.
This was not what he needed to start the day. He had warned his Commander not to do it. That it would destroy him. That it was selfish of him when he knew Lara needed him. The lengths she went through to make sure he was safe. Rylen knew how bad Cullen had it. How he had risked his life by quitting his addiction altogether. How it could kill him if his symptoms were severe enough. Leliana said he wasn't awake yet. Maker it's been fucking days. He looked over at Lara who still wore that distant look as if it were her new normal. The screams she erupted in the middle of the night had awoken him with a harsh gasp for air. The soldiers were also in a state of panic. Through the screams, he had heard Cullen's name causing his hairs to stand on end. He hated that he was familiar with those sounds.
What was she seeing in those nightmares? Was she seeing his withdrawals? He bit his tongue to stop himself from asking. It was too intimate a question and it might have been an answer he was not prepared to hear. Instead he focused on the task ahead; the Ancient Lift. The darkspawn had been removed thankfully but were they to face this Titan already? He worried about the state of his men. They seemed alright but some were a bit shaken after Lara's screams, some not able to go back to sleep.
"You're in a foul mood," Dorian approached him.
"No shit," Rylen gritted out.
"Watch your tone with me," Dorian narrowed his eyes.
"She's not any better. I'd argue she's worse," Rylen finally faced him.
"Any news?" Dorian arched an eyebrow.
Shit…no. Not now.
Rylen shook his head.
"How odd," Dorian stated, but still watched him.
"If anything's happened to him, they're trying to keep it hush. They already know she's in a bad state. Perhaps we shouldn't have mentioned it to them," Rylen continued.
"I will deal with them when we get back. If I were you, I wouldn't keep anything from her. She will never forgive you for it," Dorian warned him.
"Even if I was to know, what good would it do her?" Rylen questioned, crossing his arms across his chest.
"She is not a child. Do not treat her as such. She has been deceived enough in her life. Do not add to it. The truth is all she asks for," Dorian warned again as he departed.
Rylen swore under his breath, his anger rising. He assessed his men as they prepared their supplies and gathered by the lifts. Some of the men would stay behind, guarding the tents in case anything arised. Back in his tent, he gathered the last of what he needed. He pocketed the letter in case prying eyes were to find it. If anyone was going to tell her, it would be him. For now, he would assess her, see how she fared as they ventured below.
Rylen entered the lift with Lara and her party. Rylen would make sure it was safe first. Renn would supervise the Inquisition soldiers as they went down the lift in sections. As they stepped on the lift, Rylen saw the pure panic on Lara's face, erasing that distant look as she realized her surroundings. She immediately reached out for Dorian who held her firmly, as if he had done this a million times before. Her eyes squeezed shut as they descended, panicked sobs echoing around them. Blackwall began commanding her breathing, getting her to focus on the here and now.
"This happens every time we go on a lift," Bull said to him.
Rylen felt the guilt curling in his gut. He didn't know how long he could keep it from her, seeing her like this. Deep down, he knew a good portion of her fear was Cullen. The not knowing. He battled inside his head as he watched her; would he save her or destroy her by letting her know the truth.