Chapter 14 – What is love?

"Easy my friend"

Carlisle gently recommended as he extended a cup full of blood to Jasper who was now just sitting down after not being able to control his vampire speed for several minutes. I had never seen a vampire look so ill before, actually I did not even know that something like so was even possible but after the last couple of days there was little left for me to be surprised about.

"Take a sip, it will make you feel better"

Jasper did as told without needing much encouragement from us. He drank four blood bags without saying a single word as we patiently waited.

While I waited for him to finish, I tried to control my emotions the best that I could. Truly, I did not know what to feel. Part of me was glad to have another member of the Cullen family back but at the same time it only reminded me of those who were not so lucky to return. It stung, after all, I thought that after having Jasper back I would feel some sense of normality but it was just the opposite. I had so many questions and conflicting emotions that I almost felt dizzy but still the grief and confusion that I felt was much better than remembering for only but a second my previous conversation with the other man in the room.

So, I choose to focus on the now, as painful and conflicting as it was.

After Jasper was full at last, we walked slowly to living room, helping him along as he still felt disorientated. We sat him in the middle of couch as we took our sits on opposites ends of it. With a gentle sigh, Jasper gazed at each of us.

"You must have so many questions… I can feel the confusion almost screaming from your bodies"

"We don't need to get into all of that right now; perhaps when you feel better and had some proper rest" Carlisle suggested, trying to make our friend believe that everything was alright just like he had with me many moons ago. How things had changed since then.

"No, I have rested long enough; too long I should say…" He refuted with another big sigh as he straightened himself in the couch.

"Very well…" Carlisle said, his eyes flickering from serious to concerned, trying to hide his emotions though fruitlessly in the presence of Jasper and even in mine. I knew his features to well now not to notice the vulnerability in them "Then, please… tell me, how did you end up in Denmark?"

Jasper's eyes darkened with the mention of Denmark, nevertheless, he brought himself to answer the question anyway.

"She…" He closed his eyes sharply as if doing so would undo all that had passed but, alas, fate was not so kind "She told me that such a thing could happen, after all, the moment we entered that battlefield we knew we were, perhaps for the first time in a century, walking into the unknown, completely in the dark. Her visions changed sometimes various times a day, it would be changes so small as a simple look in the wrong direction from one us and it would all be over. So, as you can imagine when we got there, we knew we were walking into most likely death. Only in one vision did we all survive and until the end that was what we held hope for. Then, there was the one that we are living now, where few of us survived and I was taken to Denmark and made prisoner there. They held me there to force her to join them and do their bidding; they were going to torture me to death as every time she refused to help them, they would burn a piece of my body" He bit his lip, looking at where his left arm was supposed to be, leaving me uneasy as I remembered the excruciating pain of losing some of my fingers. I could not even imagine what he had been through "The last time… that I saw her was on that infernal day… they took her away… I can still hear her screams; they are engraved in my mind… we knew this would happen but still we couldn't help our feelings. I tried to calm her down with my ability but I was all in vain; I do not know if my gift was failing me or if her emotions were too strong but either way… that was the last thing I recall. After that they dismembered me in front of her and burned my first finger when she refused to cooperate. We had agreed that no matter what she would always say no, even if I died. I'm glad that at least she kept her word…"

Getting up from my seat, I walked in vampire speed to where he was seated and embraced him gently; I could not help but to do such a thing after everything he was telling us. Guilt spread all over me. He had been suffering so much… while we were… well… enjoying your lives… while I was…; I could not even think of it. And he was in this position because of me.

He embraced me back, as I felt a calming wave wash over me.

"Bella…"

"I'm so sorry Jasper" I blurted out "About everything, all of it; what you have suffered shouldn't have been your burden to bear"

"It shouldn't have been yours either if that is what you are thinking" He stated, letting go of my embrace as I sat down once more beside him. I was about to disagree when he continued "Do not feel guilty, not over this and especially not over that" he said with a knowing look, making me feel naked as he stripped down my emotions. Well, I had missed him but I had not missed being read like a book. Why did my shield have to fail me so massively on this one point?

Of course, I knew immediately the that that he was referring to but I was not about to go there, probably ever, but especially not right now with him in room.

"You are asking the impossible of me" I stated, lowering my gaze.

"Perhaps, but you should at least try" He said, brushing his hand against my shoulder in a comforting manner "Besides, we always knew this would happen long before you entered our lives"

"What do you mean?" I questioned slowly in a whisper, my chest tightening slightly with the possible implications of his next words. Still, he on the other hand remained quite calm while he explained in a most detailed way the extension of the meaning behind his previous words.

"We knew that the Volturi would always come for our family; we were different which was enough to get their attention but our numbers and the gifted amongst us truly made us a threat to them. They knew we could take their place if we wished for such a thing and that made them scared, always looking for a way to destroy us, though they would have to justify such a thing to the vampire world, which they ended up doing. Visions of the Volturi haunted Alice since we joined Carlisle and the others, though, she did not know who the Volturi were at the time. Eventually, we learned of their identities and started to look for ways to stop such a fate for our new family. We were desperate you see… and for decades we tried to change such an outcome but it always remained the same… that is until we met you" He confessed not able to sustain my gaze as he continued "When we moved to Forks, she started to see you, already as a vampire, it was still a dim future, but one that could become a reality with just a little push, if one wanted to influence the future…; when you arrived to Forks the vision of the battle start to change suddenly and it was because we had a shield on our side and a powerful one that, a vampire of the rarest and most precious kind. It was the only time our family had a chance and because of that possibility we badly wanted you on our side now, so we supported Edward's feelings for you when no one else did, we encouraged him even, made him believe he wasn't…" But he could not bring himself to continue and I simply stood there, frozen, unable to think. I sensed his gift around me, trying to control my anger but it wouldn't be able to hold it for much longer.

"Go on then, don't stop now" Encouraged Carlisle, anger dripping from his voice like never before. When the silence persisted, his voice rose "He wasn't what? Say it"

"Ending an innocent life" He stated with immense guilt as he gazed back towards me, but even so, such guilt did not make me feel any better like I expected. Something had broken inside of me that could not be mended with a simple look or even an apology, if it ever came "You have to understand, we were only trying to save our family; we would have done anything and at the time we thought… what was the life of simple human compared to the ones of those we loved…?"

I stood up as I could not take another minute of such a conversation, of such nonsense, what was he even saying…? But I could not move as he was concentrating the might of his ability onto me, sending calming waves through my body, stopping me from leaving altogether.

"But we were wrong" He stated firmly, holding my wrest "Bella, I cannot even begin to express how profoundly I regret what we did, the part we played in you being part of our world. If I could take it back I would; if there was a way to make it up to you somehow…"

"Make it up to me…?" I questioned in a cynical manner, not believing his words as I took my wrest away from his grasp "You could start by ceasing to use your gift on me; if all I feel is loath for you right now than let me feel it"

As I said those words, I felt his restrain on me gone, finally able to feel my emotions completely and truthfully. I was at last free to walk away.

"Bella…" Carlisle said, taking a step towards me.

"Don't; please, I need to be on my own for a while"

"Very well…"

As I walked out of the house and into my car, I could still hear them arguing.

"Why did none of you tell me?! Am I a fool to you?!"

"Carlisle, Alice only wanted to protect you…"

"Protect me?! What about Bella? Do you have any idea what she has been through?! Only now has she started to heal from everything but now with this… I think I might have lost her forever- "

I could not keep hearing their conversation, such words hurt too much for me to bear. With a big sigh I left the house behind and I drove aimlessly for hours upon hours until I stopped in front of the house that never changed. The couple was home as the car was parked next to the house. The smell of warm coffee and tea was so strong that I could easily smell it from the inside of the car. They were together in the living room, watching a game, cuddling, and the sense of peace and bliss was so great that I could not bring myself to shatter it. As such, I remained inside my car entranced in the twilight and in the rain that pored.

I could not even begin to think of Jasper's confession. To know that a lot of it had been a lie… broke me. What had I done with my life? What had I done…?

I remembered all of those times that I had thought that Alice was my friend and truly cared for me, how I had been glad that amongst all of the Cullen's she was the one that respected my wishes and even had offered to turn me herself…! And I believed her, even if such things seemed impossible, all because, in truth, I… I needed such a thing to be true; I needed these extraordinary beings to care for me because if they did then it would make up for her-

"Bella?"

Looking up I saw Sue next to the car window, concerned, as Charlie remained at the door of the house bearing the same expression. I cursed myself for not having left earlier as now it was impossible to run away and not disturb them. Great job.

"Are you alright?" She asked. I sensed there was a lot more in that question than what she actually said; she was examining me, looking for the color of my eyes and when she found them caramel, she was finally able to relax.

"Yes…" I answered, though, not convincing enough. There was understanding in her eyes and I was grateful to her for not pressing the subject further.

"Do you want to come in?"

For all accounts, I should have said no. A vampire in my condition should not be around humans, they were ever so fragile but… I needed this. I needed to find some sense of safety and somehow there it was right in front of me; it wasn't home but it was all I had left. A chateau full of sunlight right across the world crossed my mind for only but a split second… it remained home in my heart though no longer truly mine. And it never would be.

"Yes… that is… if it isn't too much trouble"

"You're no trouble; we are family" She reassured me with a kind smile.

I parked the car in front of the house and joined them inside. Charlie gave me the biggest bear hug, which was a first for him but somehow it made me feel a bit better almost instantly. He was delighted to see me and questioned me on all my adventures around Europe. I told him about Provence and everything I experienced there thanks to Carlisle. I tried my best not let my emotions get the better of me, reminiscing about such times. As such, I quickly changed the subject, asking them about their honeymoon. Fortunately, that was a topic that they were more than happy to dive into, one that lasted through dinner and even a little bit after. I had just painfully finished drinking the last bit of coffee when Sue got up from the table and started to wash the dishes. I got up to help her but Charlie told me gently to sit down.

"Now, Bells, I won't ask any questions… I know better by now but still, as your father I need to know" He said holding the empty coffee cup with both of his hands "Are you alright?"

"Yes, I… just need some time to think" In truth I did not know what to answer to that question, though, I knew I could not even begin to tell him all that was happening at the moment. I did not want to put him in danger and truly, he seemed to be so happy, finally after all these years, that it was selfish of me to just ruin such a peaceful life. As such, half a truth was better than nothing at all.

"Alright…" He said and I could tell he did not believe a single word that came out of my mouth "And do you have a place to stay? Are you still welcomed at the Cullen house?"

"Why do you ask…?" I frowned, trying not to give anything away; How did he…?

"Well, because I expected…" Noticing my confused expression he changed the subject quickly "Never mind, it doesn't matter; but my question still remains, do you have somewhere to stay?"

"Let's just say that for now… I don't want to go back there" I opted for the truth this time, after all, there was no way I could possibly lie about this. Hearing my words, his expression changed, determined and protective.

"Say no more, you are staying here"

"What? Charl-, I mean, dad, no, I'm not imposing on you two like that!" I protested, trying to control my emotions. I did not want to break anything because I wasn't paying attention and just feeling.

"My daughter imposing?" He said getting up from his seat towards me "You never imposed, darling, not now and not ever" As he said those words that meant so much, he embraced me gently and I could not help but to give into such an embrace. If I were human, I would have cried like a little girl as I had been ignoring this one wound that, if I were truly honest with myself, had started it all "If you need time to put your life back together…" He said, letting go of the embrace to look at me "Let me help you, it is the least I could do" I simply nodded in agreement, not able to speak a single word yet. I was too afraid that my voice would break "Good, then you are most welcomed here" he said with a gentle smile.

"Thanks, dad" I replied, truly grateful for everything, my features mirroring his own.

We talked for a few more hours after that, about much less serious topics and thankfully none of them asked any more question out of me which made me relax. Later that same evening, Sue took me upstairs to my old room that had been turned into a bit of a man cave. It had been a wedding present from Sue to Charlie. There was a huge TV and sofa that occupied almost the whole room and some of Charlie's fishing gear was also on display on the walls with some pictures of the two of them together on the various lakes and ponds around Forks and even in Maine. It was a love letter to my father; all that made him unique compiled into one single room. I smiled gently; she really did love him, didn't she?

As such, she told me that I had to "sleep" on the sofa which was of course fine by me, and also informed me that all of my belongings were in the storage room, so if I needed a fresh pair of clothes or anything else it was almost all of it still there in boxes. I nodded and thanked her with a kind smile and wished her a good night.

Long after they were both sound asleep, I walked to the storage room in search of some pajamas; I might not be sleeping but still I believed it would make me feel a little bit better to put something familiar on, from my human days. It was easy enough to find them; the boxes were made of cardboard and had my name written on them. I took them upstairs to my old room and looked for the clothes first. There was not much left, though, my trusty old sweatpants and tank top were still there. I put them on and busied myself looking through all of the boxes which were four in total, trying to distract my mind. Not sleeping was one of the hardest things about being a vampire; I did not have the luxury of sleeping off my problems.

I found a few CD's and books, along with some old textbooks from senior year. At the bottom of that box there was a colorful photo album from the same year. I took it out and opened it. There we photos of my old human friends throughout the year, although there were more of them towards the end, after all, there was a huge gap in between photos. I did not want to remember the reason for such a gap but I had no choice. In the very begging of the album there were pictures of my 18th birthday. I could not even bare to look at them, to see me… looking at him. Such worry in my eyes, such sadness, like a lost satellite.

I took those pictures from the photo album and ripped them to sherds in my hands until there was nothing left but dust. I sighed and closed my eyes gently.

Maybe I really was a lost satellite.

The next two weeks passed by rather slowly. I spent my days with Sue in the house, helping her take care of it and when we were all done, we used to talk about small things for hours, she even taught me how to carve little wooden animals which was her hobby. Sometimes we would go to the Reservation to visit Seth, since he had decided to stay with Embry after Sue moved in with Charlie. It was good to see him but his questions about the Cullen's only made my heart sank. I did not tell him anything that I had discovered of late; I did not want to cause any more fights.

After our visits and long days alone, Charlie's arrival seemed to bring life back into the house. We all ate dinner together every night and even watching the games became a pleasant normality.

At present, it was Saturday morning. I was washing the dishes of breakfast as the two of them were getting the fishing gear in the car for a full day of fishing. After that, I decided to clean the kitchen cabinets to entertain myself while they were gone for most of the day. Charlie was about to leave when he saw me. I sensed his eyes on me and wondered the reason for such a delay, after all, he should be ecstatic to go out the door at once.

"Have a good day!" I wished turning slightly away from the first cabinet to smile gently at him, encouraging him to have fun and turned back to face the task before me. I would to this without vampire speed in order to take longer. I needed to be busy for as many hours as possible after all. I did not wish to find another moment to think about what had happened.

But, to my surprise, Charlie did not move from where he was. I looked at him again and he seemed deep in thought, worried about something. I was about to question him about it when he suddenly left and I listened to him walk to the car where Sue was waiting. He informed her that he was going to take a while as if he did not do this now, he would regret it.

He came back into the kitchen, closing the door behind him.

"Dad, what is the matt- "

"Why do you do that?" He questioned me calmly, leaning against one of the kitchen chairs. I had never seen him like this; so serious, so direct, after all, such words were not ones that I would have used to describe Charlie in the past. And as such, it scared me.

"Do what…?" My voice was slow, controlled.

"Spend your days cleaning, taking care of the house… of me…?"

"Well… because it distracts me and… I'm an adult, if I'm going to stay here for a while I have to help around the house" I tried to explain, deflecting, taking my gaze away from his, hands shaking ever so slightly. Why was he doing this? Why was he finally noticing? I did not want to think… of any of it, but his words, his eyes that pierced my soul as if looking at me for the first time, really looking, reader, were making me feel uneasy. My breathe became uneven with the nerves as I sense that I could not fool him like I once did so effortlessly.

"I understand, darling, but…" He said gently, taking a step towards me "It's the second time you cleaned those cabinets this week alone"

"They needed some extra cleaning" I explained, perhaps a bit sharply, as I turned my back to him and continued to wash the dishes "And besides, it is my duty"

"Duty?" His voice was curious, though, I sensed drips of sadness and anger in it as well.

"Yes…, as I said, since I'm staying it is my responsibility to help"

"I see…" Silence fell between us, giving me some hope that he had finally given up and was ready to leave me be for the rest of the day. But it was not so "What about before?"

"Before what?" I said sharply, ready for the conversation to be over, inhaling deeply in a faint attempt to calm myself down.

"Before you were an adult"

I stopped washing the plate I had on my hands, completely frozen, after all, he was asking about the one thing I did not wish to think about for a very long time. Everything that I had discovered from Jasper of late almost made me to it but it had gotten it under control in time but now… there was nowhere to hide. I could not think about such because if I did… if for only but a moment I allowed myself to really feel, I knew I could never come back from it. Not the same, no… because what scared me the most was would I feel worse knowing that all of my deepest, darkest fears were really true?

The only sound left in the kitchen was the water running aimlessly.

"I'm your daughter, it is my job to do such things"

My voice was only but a whisper as I saw him turn off the water and taking a dry cloth to clean and dry my hands, taking them into his own, warming my ice-cold skin with his.

"It was never your job to do that" His words made me look at him now for the first time since the beginning of our conversation but I could not help it, his words surprised me so. His expression was not of anger like mine had been a few moments ago, but of pure compassion and love, sprinkled with concern "Not now and especially not back then"

"What use would I have to you if I didn't?" I asked, wanting ever so desperately to believe his words but being unable to do so. After all, such a life was all I had ever known.

"Use to me? Bells… that is not how relationships work, I know that now; And I'm sorry, I admit I took advantage of you being like this, a little adult at the time, because… it was easier not look at you, not to feel… at all… after all, it was the only way I was able to survive, it always worked for me before… so why not for you too? And truly… I did not even want to begin to see the damage that I had done and that your mother…; The point is, you never had to earn your place in my heart Bells, even though I did not always show it in the best way, I always loved you and always will, just the way you are and you never had to do or be anything for me to love you more or to have a place in this family"

I could not help but to hug him tightly, not minding the vampire speed for once. Those words he had just uttered… I did not realize how long I had waited to hear them. I always thought that I had to earn love, but for the first time in my life he was telling me something completely different. I wanted to believe him, I really did, but it did not feel real. He couldn't possibly be serious… could he?

"So… even if I was a couch potato and did nothing useful… you would still love me?" I questioned, almost sounding like a little girl which surprised even me, my face still buried in his shirt. I felt him giggle lightly, a hand brushing lightly against the length of my hair.

"Yes, couch potato and all" I felt him giggle lightly, a hand brushing lightly against the length of my hair "Look, Bells, I don't know exactly what happened between you and your mother but… you are loved and cherished just by being yourself, messy parts and all, everyone has them, I certainly do, but that does not make us unlovable. We are human and are meant to be imperfect, Sue taught me that much" He let go of me ever so slightly to look upon my features "The point is: I love you, Bells, so very much"

And in those moments, I felt it. For the very first time I felt loved. Truly. I did not think my dad felt this way about me, and anyone for that matter, but the truth in his eyes… he wasn't lying, or saying things to make me feel better about my faults. Maybe that really was what love was: to love someone unconditionally, looking at their flaws and still choosing to stay. Not in the way that I did with Edward, in an obsessive way, ignoring all the red flags, but in a new, more balanced and gentle way which was yet not knowing to me. But through my dad I could start to see it slightly, bit by bit.

"I love you too, dad" He smiled gently at my response, though, not for long as his gaze turned grave.

"I'm sorry I did not see it soon, darling, maybe if I did you wouldn't have-"

"Hey, dad, don't; I made my choices… now I must face the consequences" I reassured him, but, then with a smile I added "But, thank you"

"No, thank you, Bells" He said, letting fully go of me embrace as he searched the interior of his pockets, finding the door keys "And you know what, why don't you come with us? It is a lovely day and maybe you could do so more of that writing of yours, don't think I haven't noticed" But then he added concerned "That is… if you want"

"Of course I want" I stated with a soft giggle, realizing this was as new for me as it was for him. But I liked it "Actually, there is nothing I would rather do"

Truth be told, reader, I never in a million years thought I would have fun in a fishing trip but I was wrong. It did not matter that I hated fishing, or that the sun could reflect my marble skin, or that I wasn't exactly the best spot to write… I was with those that I loved and that loved me and for once… nothing else mattered. My mind was still trying to make sense of it all, not truly believing yet but… willing to try and I could not ask anything more of myself. Though, I could not say what would happen at night when I was alone with my thoughts but, tried not to think much about it.

As we arrived from the fishing trip, everyone was tired, so they ordered so pizza and quickly went to bed. I did that same, thinking of spending my night reading as I was not yet ready to start unpacking everything that happened during the day. But it was then when I interred my improvised room that I felt a different sent. A vampire had been there. A vampire that I knew too well.

I walked towards that couch where a small folded paper was laying. Holding my breath, I opened it.

"Forgive me for summoning you like this, I know I am the last person you would like to meet at the moment but this cannot wait. If you are willing to see me one last time, please, meet me at the Chateau two nights from now at dawn" - Carlisle