It Gets Better, Dotan
Caught in the cobwebs
Memories linger in these rooms
Under the floorboards
Sweeping the stories we outgrew
It's not a place to call home
Just a place we've been for years
The garden weeds have overgrown
We've overstayed our welcome here
So please don't say it gets better
It gets better, it gets better on with time
I'm not better
We're not better, even after all this time
His heart didn't stop attempting an escape as he waited in the Common Room, still horrified at the thought of anyone knowing he even existed, let alone that he was in the castle.
His breathing came in shorter, faster bursts, an ache building in his chest as he paced in front of the fireplace until his vision tilted, turned the room blue-green; shot pain into his eyes as the colours began to hurt. His arms and legs fuzzed into non-existence around the time he realised he was having a panic attack. He grabbed at the armchair closest to him but missed, and went to the floor instead, gasping for breath. He tried to fight it, knowing in the back of his mind that the portrait would swing out into the corridor at any moment, but that thought only made it harder to regain control as his throat tightened. He scrambled out from under the cloak, desperate for air, kicking and clawing it off.
'Tom,' he begged in his head, and he obliged, summoning the curse, snaking up his left arm and washing his nerves and mind clean with agony.
He fell back, sucking air in and forcing the sensations down, along with the thoughts that originated them; until Tom released it and he was able to sit upright.
He was still on the floor, sweating and dishevelled when the first students entered. He scrambled to his feet and was glad at least that he didn't recognize them as they skirted him with wide eyes, already whispering. He scooped up the cloak and watched the portrait hole, heart still palpitating, limbs barely cooperating.
'We can do this a few different ways, Harry, but if you want my… Advice, straighten your back, school your face. Do not give an inch.'
Harry did as he was told, teeth gritted as he straightened and watched the frame resolutely, ignoring the students now flowing in, muttering profusely as they formed a circle around him. A few faces he recognized, Seamus, Neville, Lavender, Colin, several that he'd never seen before, new students. No Hermione or Ginny. He only took them in from the corner of his eye, imagining they weren't there.
"You got a lot of nerve coming back after what you did," Seamus told him, talking louder than the rest.
"Demelza was my friend!" Lavender made him flinch with that, but Tom held it in, "You killed her!" she continued, stepping forward, making Tom bristle while Harry's eyes widened slightly.
Harry kept his face as still as he could, arms crossed as he pretended he hadn't heard anything -stomach lurching with the reality of it, the effort of keeping his face free of expression colossal- as he willed Ginny to appear and the day to end. Lavender was getting closer to him, angered by his lack of a reaction. His insides rolled as the others began to agree with the consensus; to question Harry, louder, more insistently; the circle tightening.
'Tom…' Harry felt a snake of the curse curling up his spine in response, standing him straighter immediately as he sucked in a tiny breath.
Standing taller had been enough to startle the crowd, Lavender taking a step back as they all moved like wary cats circling a snake. He fought to keep his eyes open as the spell whispered up the back of his neck into his hair, tendrils of pain sharpening his focus on the entryway and fading the group into a blur, inconsequential.
When Ginny and Hermione appeared, the crowd fell silent and moved to watch, clearing a space for the drama to unfold. Tom released the curse and Harry nearly gasped at its absence, catching himself before the sound escaped.
Hermione gasped, almost a yelp, her lips moving but forming no words as she held tight to the red-head -whose mouth had fallen open at the sight of the Boy Who Lived- the three of them stood still before Ginny began to fight Hermione off at the same time the bushy-haired teen tried to drag her toward the girl's dormitory.
"-No, no, Hermione," she started to slap at her hands, at first lightly but then with more insistence when she didn't let her go, "Stop- Let me- Get off!" She snatched herself free and crashed into Harry, face vanishing into his shoulder.
He tucked his head into her hair and squeezed her as they fell to their knees, both in tears.
"I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm-" they repeated the same thing into each other's necks as they rocked.
"It's not your fault. None of it," Harry whispered, then Tom straightened his face and told her, "We should take this somewhere else," then to Harry in his head, 'This is giving an inch.'
Harry stood them up and took Ginny -shoved their way out of the crowd- through the portrait hole, the disbelieving silence quickly filled with disbelieving muttering. They ignored Hermione's shouting as Tom threw the cloak over him and Ginny, while Harry hugged her close to his side. She kept looking up at him under the fabric like she couldn't believe what she was seeing.
"Harry…"
"Ginny…"
"Where have you been? I thought that I- that I wasn't going to see you… That you weren't going to- Is- what happened in the hall was that- what… Was that?"
He flinched, bared his teeth, "I'm sorry. It was an accident. It just- happened…"
"Was it because…?" She trailed off but Harry understood that she somehow blamed herself for it.
"No. I mean- I was in shock, but it was… Something else. Something else happened," by then they'd reached the empty classroom that he used to use to cast Liquida Tenebris.
He ushered her in and pulled the cloak off as they sat down, cross-legged across from each other. Harry asked her to silence the room, still not sure what he was going to do on that front, his magic wild and unpredictable. She did, and then they frowned at each other for a long, heavy moment.
"I am sorry. About the curse. After I- I- you were sitting right next to me… I know it's- it's horrible," he tried to say more but she stopped him, wincing.
There were tears in her eyes and he wondered, again, exactly how bad it had been. There was another pause that Harry didn't know how to fill, guilt rising.
"Harry… When I," she stopped and frowned, looked away from him and back again, "When I re- ugh. The term is… Reanimated… When I reanimated him that night at the Ministry it wasn't intentional I didn't mean to I just saw the green light and I saw him fall and then he was standing again and I could see through his eyes and you were screaming and fighting with Dumbledore and You-Know-Who was there and I couldn't understand- the Order arrived, the Aurors… And… I wanted to tell you all of it, but Sirius… Then it was- I didn't want them to charge you with his death- I wanted to clear your name but that would have meant… That- I didn't even know that I could- that I could do-"
"Ginny. It's okay. I'm glad you didn't try to clear my name. I haven't judged you for any of it."
She let out a long shaking breath, "Did you get my letters? Where were you?"
"I… Got two of them. Did you get… mine?" He avoided her question.
"Do you mean the four words you sent me?" She was bewildered.
"Six," Tom corrected, before Harry told him silently to be quiet, "I'm sorry. I was… Basically a fugitive while… Things were sorted. I almost couldn't send… Six."
"By who, Harry? Sorted by who?" She pressed.
"I- don't even know how…" He started to pull away from her; not ready for that discussion by a long shot, when she started speaking again, dropping her question.
"Mum almost didn't let me come back, even though the… New law. I wasn't sure if you'd- Hermione said the trial was… That you looked- you do look different… You seem… different- and then right after, the school… And Dumbledore, the Death Eaters... He took the Ministry and Hogwarts so- so easily. I can't believe he's gone. I can't believe how fast it was. Hermione said Dumbledore left her at the trial and that was pretty much the last anyone in the Order saw of him apart from- and no one has said anything outright, but they talk as if- as if You-Know-Who's won…"
Harry could sense a thousand questions, but he didn't have the strength or the desire to answer them. He hadn't prepared for this conversation largely because it felt un-rehearsable, he couldn't plan those words and say them to her. Particularly with the knowledge that it would likely change how she looked at him forever. Maybe she would never look at him again.
"Kingsley and Mad-Eye… Are taking care of things now. And- Dumbledore's brother. Aberforth, he came and told Remus that he wanted in-"
Harry put a hand up to stop her, frowning at Tom's intense interest. She shook her head, brow furrowed as she continued, "…Bill and Fleur got married. A month after… Ron's funeral. Tonks is pregnant. There was some… Good news."
"I'm sorry I wasn't- that I couldn't be there- I'm… I missed you-" His throat closed unbidden.
Her face broke and she nodded furiously, "I don't blame you for any of it, Harry."
He heaved a gasp at her words, rocked by them because it was his fault. He'd done all of it. Made all of it… "Ginny- what if it- If I told you it-" he couldn't verbalize it, struggling for any words he felt like he could say.
"Ginny, was there ever a point- with Ron… I'm sorry, I am, I'm-" he cleared his throat, "-Was there ever a… Point with him where you felt like it was just- huge. That it had just snowballed so far beyond your control that even if you could speak it out loud you couldn't- it wouldn't come out like-"
"I still feel that way all the time Harry," she whispered.
"I made some bad choices. Really, really… Bad, Gin," he didn't look at her as he spoke, not willing to see the questions in her eyes.
"When Fred and I… Would listen to the Order meetings- it got harder to do, like, they were so spooked, the security got- Dumbledore would say the same thing."
"That he made bad choices?"
"No… That you did."
Tom cackled a laugh that Harry caught on the tail end, decidedly bizarre, making Ginny narrow her eyes and sit up straighter.
'Stop it. Don't make this harder,' Harry thought, then out loud, "Sorry- That's… I didn't mean to laugh- that was- I mean it's not- untrue but… Ah. I need- more time."
"But- I have questions. I have… So many, actually, and it's been- it's been-"
"Ginny," He began, bypassing her question, unsure of how much he could say before it all unspooled out of his hands, tumbled out of his mouth, "Do your parents- are your family- are you- are you all… How… Deep- with the Order? because- Ginny you were right when you said that- that he's- that he's won. Voldemort has won," he whispered the last part, eyes still glued to the stone.
She'd shuffled closer to him to hear his muffled words and then shook his shoulder when she'd registered it, "What happened? What do you mean? Just because he has the Ministry doesn't mean it's over Harry, even the school, you're still the one destined to defeat him, right? I- I- Dumbledore told the others the prophecy… And if we can just get you-"
Tom snapped their head up and searched her eyes, "What," he growled the word and Harry tried to reign him in, "He told them? What-" He'd wanted to ask which prophecy, but he caught the words.
"I also… I heard it when you… Told Ron… So, I already knew, I'm sorry, I didn't know how to-"
"No, no, I- that's not- that's… Fine… He told the Order? The- The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches? He told them that?"
"Yes… Harry. And it's still true, right? We can't just give up?"
Harry fought to inhale, "Everyone… Hermione- they think I killed Ron… And it's better than the alternative, I'm not saying you should- those students in the hall… Though, I did- I did… kill them, Ginny. I got away with- the trial was- but I did- and- and- I- the prophecy- I've done-" his face was red with the effort of drawing breath.
"Harry, you didn't hurt Ron. That wasn't your fault. We can make Hermione understand. You said the Hall was an accident, it was awful, but it doesn't change who you are, it doesn't mean we can't find the Horcruxes and destroy-"
Harry had scrambled to his feet, unable to bear another second of it. Tom pulled him together, apologized at a flabbergasted Ginny woodenly, and then he left her alone in the empty classroom.
He couldn't go back to the Gryffindor Tower afterwards, he felt like an alien, like an irregularity. He supposed he was. He was dumbstruck by how much had changed, how little Ginny really knew, how much he'd have to tell her, the bridge she'd have to cross to meet him where he was.
'No matter her choice you paid the price to keep her safe.'
'Yeah. Yeah, I did pay the price, and I want to hear him say it,' Harry thought, carrying them to Cassiopeia's office.
He didn't knock, he knew she was in there and that she would hear him coming. She was already at her desk when he entered.
"Nice feast tonight? Reconnect with friends?"
"I want to see him," Harry said, not sitting down.
"Well, unfortunately, he's busy."
"I don't- I don't care, I want to make sure- I need to ask… About the hostages, for one, that he took. And I want to make sure that Ginny…"
She let out a long-suffering sigh, "No one is under her bed, Harry Potter. Consider her safe. The hostages aren't your concern, you said nothing about casualties of war in your… Terms… With our dear friend. Now, is that all? I have dinner plans."
"But I need-"
"Oh my god, go AWAY," she stood very abruptly, fangs bared, and Harry did as she asked.
'You are so persuasive,' Tom thought as they barrelled back out into the corridor, once again under the cloak, unwilling to see anyone.
'I hate you.'
'Sure.'
He found himself outside the Room of Requirement, pacing in need of a bed.
He awoke before sunrise, though there was no way to tell inside the room. It was something he just assumed. The second of September was a Tuesday, and there was to be no pause before the start of classes.
He'd taken his bag with him to the Room of Requirement, but he would need to go back to the tower before the start of the day. He and Tom had discussed for hours how they would face the other students, both presenting possible scenarios, brainstorming solutions and reactions. Tom insisted that the cloak had to go. That it needed to return to emergency status only, that showing no weakness or fear was the best course of action. That meant strolling through the corridors with his nose in the air, as though he owned the place, which Tom liked to think he did. To inspire fear.
Harry was undecided. He didn't want to bear the brunt of the hatred, no matter what he'd done to deserve it. He'd berated himself plenty and planned to continue on his own time. Harry had reiterated that if Tom wanted to inspire fear, it would need to be vague fear. He didn't want to use the curse or say anything that insinuated… Anything. His biggest concern was restraining both his and Tom's anger in the event of a confrontation. Tom liked to think that he didn't have an anger issue, that it was all 'well in hand'. Which worried Harry further.
He didn't want to be seen talking to the Slytherins, didn't want it to seem as though he'd spent the entire break at the Malfoy Manor, he didn't know what they'd been told or what they could say, particularly Malfoy. It was with that thought in mind that he sought the blonde out on the map, in his bed in the dungeons. He used the cloak to infiltrate the Slytherin Dormitory, wanting to talk to him before the start of classes. It was still dark in the halls, darker in the dungeons.
When he reached the seventh-year boy's dormitory he found the blonde, curtains open. With no other option, he clapped a hand over his mouth to stifle the scream that inevitably came.
"…Malfoy. Malfoy. Malfoy," he hissed, and the Slytherin stopped trying to scramble away yelping when he finally registered who was talking to him, "Silence the curtains," Tom said, climbing into his bed, sitting cross-legged at the end, and making Harry feel insanely awkward.
He did as Tom asked, silencing and closing the curtains as he sat up, staring at him with wide eyes.
"I need- I mean, obviously, I need to make it clear that- we aren't- we don't- I wasn't at the manor," Harry stumbled over his words.
The blonde grinned, slowly spreading on his face, "I thought you wouldn't be coming. That he'd put you somewhere else. A free prisoner looking to keep his captivity private, eh? I don't know if Pansy is going to be happy to hear you aren't the best of friends."
"Heartbreaking," Tom said, and Harry thought that he meant it a little bit.
"Tell Narcissa I said thanks. For everything," Harry said, feeling awkward enough to start taking his leave.
"You're still welcome to join us. We know how to keep a secret," he raised his eyebrows as Harry scrambled out of the curtains and dormitory muttering non-affirmatives.