Chapter 34: One Step Forward, Three Steps Back
Old worn out eyes that were so-alike to her aunt's stared back at Sera. But the woman in front of Sera wasn't her aunt. It was some patient at the clinic who was suspected of being a critic, rebel or traitor—not that it mattered to her, they were all the same to the President.
"Tha-thank you for listening." The woman wheezed out, struggling to get her words out. Another similarity to her aunt but looking at the woman in front of her whose name Sera had chosen not to remember, she was a stranger and Sera was grieving. "Most people would ignore or brush it aside and just…"
"I understand." She parroted the words she said all the time. "I understand how hard it can be especially with the changing times and it can feel like the Senate and the…" She paused for a second before picking up where she left off. "The President doesn't care. I understand."
"It must be harder in the districts." The woman commented with teary eyes on the verge of tears. "I just thought…" She sniffed. "Minister Thistlewood would understand our plight. I feel a little used. My children and my husband…"
Sera only nodded along to the woman's musings. Her eyes wandered to the woman's untouched tea with petals floating on it that reminded her of a foxglove with the shade of a lavender flower but they weren't foxgloves at all, they were a Capitol creation. There was also a half-dead bouquet next to her bedside.
With her leather gloves hand, she gently pushed the saucer towards the frail woman. "Your tea is getting cold. It won't taste good cold."
The woman smiled in thanks and reached for her teacup, hesitating in the last second. "This tea…" She held the cup to her lip, not taking a sip just yet but instead smelling the fragrant warm drink.
Sera stared at the woman unphased. She was always ready for their suspicion these days. She took a sip of her own drink while motioning the woman to carry on. Her tea was bitter and unlike the woman's was different and something familiar. Red rose petals floated on top of her drink as she set down her teacup.
"Something wrong Mrs Songtree?" She queried with a friendly smile.
"Not at all." The woman laughed a little in response. She was embarrassed for making the 'Flower of Panem' worry for someone so insignificant like her but it was nice. "It's just, I've never had tea like this. Did you grow the flowers yourself?"
"Yes." Sera lied. "It's a splice between lavender and another plant that's escaped my mind but I'll be sure to tell you next time I visit." There wouldn't be a next time and she was sure of it, the woman just didn't know it yet and she never would. "Do you not like it?" She asked carefully, setting aside her empty teacup.
"No. Not all. I was just curious. It's really nice and relaxing. I wondered if I could get some for my husband later on."
"Oh," Sera's painted lips grew wider into a smile as turned her back to the woman. "We could have tea together. All three of us."
"I-I can't take too much of your time. You're a busy person…" She frowned, staring hard at the bottom of the tea cup. "...you removed the tea dregs again."
"Is that a problem?"
"No." The woman glanced down at the warm pale gold-blue liquid and finished the rest of it.
Sera looked away and swallowed. She glanced at the clock on the wall next to her. The quiet ticking and the light piano notes from outside were nearly drowning out her thoughts. She looked back at the woman who turned pale by the second and glanced back at the clock.
When the clock reached four, she stood up just as a nurse came in. Nurse Cardea with her pale blue hair entered and Sera nodded. "Visiting hours for you are over today, Mrs Songtree."
The woman weakly nodded and didn't even bid Sera goodbye as she tiredly got under the covers. Sera stared at the woman under the white shroud-like covers as she shut her eyes for her final sleep.
Sera stepped out and turned to the Peacekeeper assigned to her that day. Scarus had been occupied with other tasks that the President had given him. Menial and pointless tasks, he had complained about.
The Peacekeeper raised his head and Sera bowed hers, walking past him. "Five hours, at best." She said and the Peacekeeper nodded.
Mrs Songtree had five hours left to live.
"You're done for the day, Miss Reza." The Peacekeeper bowed his head and walked away in the other direction. He didn't bother to offer to walk her back to her apartment like Scarus would or follow her around like he did either.
Sera didn't look back at the Peacekeeper and disappeared into the crowd, taking a turn in the clean white halls. The more she walked, the less pristinely clean the halls became. Nurse Cardea, the nurse who worked under Plutarch met her halfway to her destination. She gave her a small nod and led Sera to the private back garden.
"Is she already there?" Sera asked quietly, looking over her shoulder.
"Mrs Astbury has been waiting since her lunchtime ended. She's been getting a little too…impatient." The nurse trailed off and paused a little. "I've already let Mr Heavensbee know of this meeting."
A temporary alliance had been formed between Tamora Astbury, Plutarch and her since that disastrous luncheon months ago with Zephyr choosing to help Sera. "Thank you." Sera said as the nurse opened the double doors.
Sera flinched back at the sharp rays of the setting sun and shut her eyes as the rays of the sun bathed her in a warm golden light. It took her a second to adjust to the light before she could see properly. The private garden was very different from the regular clinic gardens.
The roof was an elaborately detailed glass shell like that of a roof of a greenhouse. Flowers—she noted were all out of season like verbena, petunias, wisteria and little pink roses hung from the ceiling. Light piercing through the glass shell casted prismatic shadow on the ground covering everything on the ground.
A fountain sat in the back with twin snakes wrapped around a winged staff. The water was much clearer than the waters in the public clinic garden and there were light wisteria petals floating on the water. A few pale turquoise benches were littered around the private garden but that wasn't what drew her attention.
In the middle of the grassy floor was an old blue-green metal garden table with four chairs surrounding the table. The table was decorated with trays and plates of food. One of the chairs was already occupied.
"You're late." Mrs Astbury stood up from her seat and stumbled back. She looked worse than the last time Sera had seen her. Mrs Astbury motioned Sera to her seat. "Sit down. We-I don't have much time."
Tamora Astbury looked more skeletal than an actual human since the last time Sera had seen her. It was like her skin had been stretched across her bones while the flesh and fat had melted off due to fear and stress. Her wounds were more visible and appeared like tattoos bonded to her skin.
"So you changed your mind—my condolences." If Sera had to be honest, she was already sick and tired of the constant condolences and pity everyone had showered on her since her aunt died. Nevertheless, she just accepted them with a small painted smile. "I've thought about the offer."
"And?" Sera pressed, relieved that her aunt was not the topic Mrs Astbury had decided to pursue. "Have you considered it?"
"I'm surprised at the combination of you and…" She hesitated to mention Plutarch's name and coughed instead. "But it is a tempting idea. I'm just worried that you or he might be implicated."
"If things go well, your contribution will be part of the various things that will bring your br–" Sera stopped herself quickly, noting how Mrs Astbury's shoulders caved in on herself and she hugged herself at the mere thought of Minister Janus, her brother. She was afraid. "We can take the Minister down."
"I already said, I'm willing to do anything, even throw my life away. I wasn't sure if you were the same."
Sera clicked her tongue and looked away. At first she wasn't considering Mrs Astbury's proposal. She was prepared to feign ignorance for the rest of her days but Minister Thistlewood had forced her hand. It was like she was back in the arena. "I'm not throwing away my life. I'm about to take a gamble here that might affect my life…in ways I don't want it to but it needs to be done if I or anyone in Panem wants a peaceful future."
Mrs Astbury stared at Sera for a while, her hollow sunken eyes examined her carefully before she let out a bitter laugh. "This isn't just about taking down my br—the Minister is it?"
"No, it's not." She admitted, a little honest for her own good but she needed Mrs Astbury on her side. "I made a few promises to some people—my help in exchange for theirs."
"You shouldn't make promises you can't keep."
"No, I shouldn't but unfortunately for someone who likes to get things done on her own, I needed a little assistance so I did what I had to."
"Who else?" Sera raised a brow and motioned Mrs Astbury to elaborate. "Who else did you plan to drag down with my bro—the Minister? Director Ennius Walston is gone and now so are his children—"
"That wasn't me." Guilty of many things but one thing Sera was not guilty of was extinguishing the Walston family. It was a pure accident. "How was I supposed to know that my words were going to get him sent off let alone that he'd die there?"
"You had him exiled on purpose then. That much I can contribute to you." Sera looked away. "You should've told me from the start. I would've been more receptive to your plans. This isn't the worst outcome in fact, this might be the best. If Cassius Allard goes down then everything will fall into place and maybe those that died in the Capitol Riots will know some peace—how is Emilia?"
The sudden question caught Sera off-guard more so than her mention of the Director of the orphanage. "Emilia is fine. She's planning to step down soon and why did you mention Director Allard."
"Hmm." In a daze, the former Consul looked up. "Oh, I thought he was included in your plans given he was close to my b—the Minister during his time as the Minister of Energy."
"Minister of Energy?" Sera echoed. "How long? How long was he in-charge?"
"A little over two decades." Mrs Astbury admitted. "I suspect his decisions then were what caused those awful tragedies." Sera's jaws tightened as she breathed in and out heavily. "Anyways," Mrs Astbury noted Sera's response and quickly changed the topic. "Do your promises include Finnick Odair?"
Her cold silver eyes fell on Mrs Astbury. "That's irrelevant to the topic."
"Is it? I just wanted to know if he's part of your plans."
"No." Her voice was barely above a whisper. "He's not. You don't have to worry about him."
"Oh. I thought there was something between the two of you considering all the rumors."
"Rumors are hardly ever true."
"Are they?" Mrs Astbury questioned.
The private gardens gradually darkened. Sera didn't answer her. The sun had almost disappeared, its last rays of light fought valiantly against the coming darkness even though it was bound to lose. Lights turned on one by one as it got darker.
Mrs Astbury put her hands on the garden table and met Sera's cold gaze. "You know you can see a lot from here." She turned to look at the glass walls connected to the hospital halls. Patients, nurses and doctors were seen walking around and in-between them she spotted Annie's coral hair and Finnick lingering behind. He'd occasionally stop to discreetly look around the hospital room windows before following Annie. "He's been doing that all day. He's looking for you, isn't he?"
The urge to dig her nails into her palms was strong. Instead, Sera dragged her nails on the metal surface of the table. "I think we're done here."
Mrs Astbury frowned and opened her mouth to speak but Sera turned away from her and looked down at her wrist. She was done with her. The longer she sat there, the more she realized that she didn't want to let Mrs Astbury go after taking her brother. Mrs Astbury had to go with her brother. All she needed to do was convince her other allies.
"So we are." Mrs Astbury said with a sigh, disappointed that Sera had ended the conversation. "Don't worry I'll play along with those plans. I look forward to seeing if your gamble works in our favor. Maybe next time we can have some tea together."
Sera left without answering her. Nurse Cardea waited around for her at the entrance of the private garden with an inquisitive look. "She's in. You can let him know."
Nurse Cardea let out a sigh of relief and smiled sweetly up at Sera. "Thank you for this." Sera looked down and walked past her, walking back the way she came from, not really knowing her next destination. Zephyr was probably busy getting used to his new job at the Labs down in the west side of Capitol which was not that far from the clinic but still he was busy. Huxley was back in District 5 and was more likely to come to the Capitol the night before Annie's Victory Dinner.
She had nowhere to go but back to her apartment.
Her feet aimlessly led her to an elevator and she absentmindedly pressed a button. Before the elevator doors could shut in her eyes, a hand shot through between the closing doors and stopped them. She glared at the hand and then turned away, pretending as if she wasn't bothered by it at all.
"Found you." Finnick breathed out tiredly, exhaling loudly. He stepped into the elevator and pressed a button to close it but not one for which floor he wanted to go to.
She froze.
Her heart felt like it had leapt out of her chest at how nervous just hearing his voice made her feel. It had been months since either of them saw each other. Months since everything they had built was washed away like a sandcastle on the beach.
Licking her dry lips, she looked away, not being able to meet his gaze. "Finnick." She greeted him, a little too coldly. "...How hav—how is Annie?" She asked instead, feeling tongue-tied and not knowing what to say. Inwardly she was cursing herself, she was supposed to be good with words and yet, in front of him, she didn't know what to say.
"She's fine." Finnick answered, a little annoyed that Sera wouldn't even look at him. "How are you?"
"As fine as anyone could be in the face of a loss." She answered with a bright smile but inside she wanted to cry.
"Don't." Finnick took a few steps forward, backing her up against the wall of the elevator. "Don't do this. Not again. I thought we were getting somewhere." And finally, she looked at him. Her eyes were a little red as if she was going to cry but she quickly looked away.
He sighed and gently placed his hand under her chin, turning her to look at him with some difficulty. "...I-I'm not the one who decided to just…disappear." She growled out. It had been a long time since he had last seen her so angry even though she had no right to be angry.
"I needed time to…process everything and I should've been there for you but..." She relaxed a little at his apology.
"I'm sorry too." She moved his hand away. In turn, he caught her hand into his, holding on to it and pulling her closer, not caring that they were still at the clinic or the elevator doors might open any moment. "I know you didn't want Annie to have the life we have and I'm sorry that I went against what you wanted for her but I'm not apologizing for choosing for Annie to live, not after I had to send off Jenny after watching her slowly wither away. I know Annie has her father at home, I can't imagine being in his place and losing everyone I cared about." She paused to take a deep breath and gather her thoughts. "I lost my aunt and that threw me off the edge, can you imagine what her father might feel after losing both his daughters?"
He stared at her, picking apart her words, trying to see which ones were the lies and what was true. Only he couldn't. She knew she had done a good job at mixing the lies and the truth, so much so that she herself momentarily forgot what she lied about but she did know what the lies and what the truth was.
"Maybe…you're right. I didn't think it through much. I was a…little reckless."
"No, you were right. I was just acting like how Huxley acted. You said it yourself 'living might be hard and dying is easy but sometimes we have to carry on'. I don't regret choosing Annie." But she did regret it and she regretted using his words against him.
"Annie's too frail for this, Sera."
"...So was I." She breathed out.
A part of her was indeed envious of the bright girl who deserved more than what she got and was actually the person everyone thought Sera to be. She was jealous of Annie Cresta. The other larger part of her was more rational and knew what she was saying was wrong but for some reason, it chose to take a backseat and let her emotional side take over.
"Forget what I said."
"No," He shook his head, his eyes narrowed in on her and she flinched back. "I won't because at least you were sane. Annie can't even tell if it's day or night or if she's dreaming or awake." His grip on her hands tightened and she tried to pull away but he didn't let her. "You see why I thought she'd be better off dead but then you're right, her father would be devastated and then we'd all be back where we started." He finished, dropping his head down on her shoulder.
Silence hung over them like a noose as Sera stared at a wall in the elevator aware that Finnick's eyes were on her. Things were getting more complicated than she'd like and she had a few choices on how she could move forward. Finnick was too good to get tangled up with someone who saw people she didn't know much or like as pawns.
"I didn't know she was this bad." And now Sera felt guilty for including Annie in her plans but she couldn't stop. It was the only way to free herself and maybe even Annie. "If I knew…" She wouldn't change a thing. If anything, Annie being more sick worked in her favor.
"I didn't tell you. I didn't want you to worry since everything happened with Leora and then being told you're going to be more…" He swallowed. "...busier than before. I didn't want to stress you out."
"It doesn't change much. She was–is important to you and I'd still choose her because she's your childhood friend."
"It wasn't your choice to make. You should've just—"
"Stayed out of it?" She finished his sentence.
His jaw tightened and he looked away. "You've always been someone who doesn't like getting involved with other people." The elevator suddenly felt cold and hot at the same time. "So…why?"
She swallowed and let out a loud audible breath. The truth haunted her, she had to fight back the urge to tell him everything. Instead all she could spit out was a pretty lie she knew he wouldn't believe. "...I did it for you."
His head moved towards, his eyes locking with hers. His eyes were a little red and moist. He dipped his head down, almost burying it in the crook of her neck. "Did you?" He asked quietly, his lips brushing against her ear.
Sera nodded and sucked in a breath. "Of course I did. I just wish you told me what Annie was going through after the games every time you were at my place."
He pulled back and nodded. "I should've."
"I guess we need to trust each other more."
"I trust you." Finnick said, merely seconds after she finished speaking. He looked at her earnestly—he wanted her to trust him too, she just didn't trust him to keep up with her.
Instead of answering him, she stood on the tip of her toes and craned her neck up. She softly grabbed him by the nape of his neck and pulled him in. His lips on hers were soft and sweet but a little bitter because of the lingering flavor of the rose tea still on her tongue. He didn't let her back hit the mirrored wall behind her and instead pulled her in, letting go of her hand to cup her face into his hands.
Gradually, Sera felt as if her breath was being taken away and she was losing herself. She had to stop before she crossed the line she was trying so hard to draw. She pulled away and looked up at him, her face flushed red like the tulips the two always talked about. She didn't answer his question at all and he had nearly forgotten about it.
The two were left breathless for a moment, taking their time to catch their breaths. They had bright smiles on their faces but only her eyes didn't reflect the joy of the smile she was wearing.
Finnick was the first to recover just as the elevator reached their destination. Somewhere in-between, Sera had pressed a button and he didn't even notice, he didn't really care. "Do y-you want to have dinner tonight?" His smile was still present on his face. "It can be like the dinner party at your place with Annie, Mags and Zephyr and obviously you and me or…" He took a step forward and pressed the button to close the elevator door. He took her hands into his and looked her in the eye with such brightness that it almost blinded her. "Or it could be just you and me."
Her heart felt a little heavy again and she bit her lips nervously before shaking her head. "No, I can't. I, uh, I have something tonight." She lied. "Zephyr and I are gonna prepare for Huxley and Talissa might be coming as well—I'm not sure."
"Oh." She could hear the disappointment in his voice but he tried his best to stay smiling in front of her. "Maybe another time. What about…after the Victory Dinner?"
"I can't. I have to go straight back to Five after this. My aunt's shop needs to be managed. Someone has to take care of Nox—my cousin as well."
"And you have to be the one to do it?"
"Yes." She hesitantly answered. "Maybe another time." But both of them knew there might not be another time. She didn't let Finnick speak again before she pressed the button to open the elevator again and hurriedly walked past him. He tried to grab onto her but she slipped past him like rushing water and she was gone from his view.
It was already dark outside the clinic when she walked out, she was late. Zephyr waited at the bottom of the marble steps of the clinic, a pocket watch in his hand. He held it up and she nodded, she knew she was late. She didn't need to be told that.
"He's not gonna be happy." Zephyr muttered into her ear as he pulled her into the car, his arm around her waist.
"I know. I know but remember the whole alliance—"
"—is temporary." Zephyr finished for her. He rolled his eyes and shut the door of the car, nodding at the driver. The two left the clinic and only Sera looked back.