Reader Info:
Hello... Yes, it is I. You know who I am... Your friendly neighborhood Writer-Man! Now, I'm very sorry to have disappeared on you all for over a year and a half, but let's just say life happens. :( Still, really wish I didn't have to disappear like that. But, that's all in the past now, and here we are in the present. So, yes, in some limited capacity, I am back. I've actually been back for quite a while now. My only upload was a short, light-hearted NaruSaku story. Be sure to check that out if you're a fan of the pairing. I actually intended to upload in the next few days after that posting, but things didn't go according to plan lol. Just typical for me... Anyway, this upload is here now so I hope you all enjoy it. I also plan to release another story very soon because it is set around the Thanksgiving time of year. Hopefully, that upload will go smoothly lol. Just a heads up that it won't be NaruSaku though. Sorry in advance. :/ Going for a more real-world, pains-of-life theme with this one. I still saw its potential as a great story though, so I wrote it. Due to the change in pairing, the story will also hit in a very different way than my previous works. I hope that it will put on paper a phase of life that many can relate to, and perhaps bring comfort in some strange way.
Also, if you want a more broad rundown on my current situation and why I am only semi-active currently, please check out my bio. All of that being said, I hope you all enjoy this chapter. I like to think that I've been improving while I was away. Maybe, maybe not, you be the judge, and be sure to let me know your ruling in the review section. :) #ShamelessPlug
"Gotta make you mad to not know who you are. Your soul disappears. Nothing as bad as uncertainty."
- Peter Parker's Doctor (Spider-Man 2)
A Silent Moment
Most civilians understood the basic dangers of being a ninja, a great deal of which revolved around the constant threat of life and death. They were aware of the nagging fear of losing a partner in battle; they were smart enough to know about the constant risk of starvation; all of them had heard about the deceptive practices enemies employed; and they understood that things could get really dangerous really fast if you were to fall into an enemy trap...but what they didn't understand were the small inconveniences.
The inexperienced assume they'll pack a sleeping bag, some clothes, some food, some bathroom junk, and that everything will largely work itself out for the best, that is…if they don't get killed. Any real ninja knows that's a lie.
You'll be lucky if you can keep track of even half the things you bring on your missions. A lot of times, your backpack gets shredded in battle, along with everything in it; other times you have to leave it behind because the enemy got the jump on you; sometimes it just gets lost with everything going on; and on rare occasions, like recently, you just get straight up robbed. And good luck if you were carrying everything in a single storage scroll. You lose that, you lose everything in one fell swoop. Point is that being a ninja came with an even longer list of grievances than most people thought it did. Take, for example, that sleeping bag that's gone missing for whatever reason. Congratulations, that's why you're using a rock as a pillow tonight and the cold dirt is your mattress. Sweet dreams...
These things were only a bite-sized piece of the bitter candy bar that was being a ninja, and the full bar was way too horrid to properly digest. But as unpleasant as the life of a ninja could be, Naruto had gotten used to all of it by now, however strange that may seem. He was aware of the fact that this was what the life of a ninja required, and while most twelve-year-olds had little to worry about but blowing their overly red noses, he knew that wasn't the path he chose; his path was very different.
Groaning, he shifted slightly, a small sigh of relief leaving his lips as the ache in his lower back subsided. That was another thing people didn't realize. The pain… Hospitals became your best friend, whether you wanted them to or not. If you didn't really like that idea, then too bad. Get over it. Not only because you were a freaking ninja and you needed to grow up, but because you'd probably spend more time there than at home anyway. Visits that were supposed to last days lasted weeks, and sometimes weeks turned into months, and if months turned into years, it would probably be better if you just accepted the sad truth that things were worse than the doctors were telling you.
There were ninja who would come back from missions right at death's doorstep, beaten to a pulp, half dead, and nowhere near alive. Naruto felt sorry for them in some respect. Though they had chosen this life same as he, he knew it could be him lying there, broken and hurt beyond repair...well, probably not for long with his healing factor and all, but still, he could relate. Either way, that was the life of a ninja, and it wasn't changing anytime soon.
All of these factors combined was why Naruto knew exactly where he was even though his eyes hadn't opened in the slightest. The semi-hard, semi-soft bed; the annoying needle he could feel lodged in his wrist; the overhead light that made him see bright orange from behind his eyelids. A hospital. Probably the trauma unit, or a regular room if they had already treated his injuries.
It was hard to breathe. He could feel no mask on his face, but still. Lung damage maybe? His mouth also had a taste he didn't like at all, like dried-up blood mixed with day-old spit. Trying to smack away the grossness, he shifted slightly, another groan leaving his lips as he did. Despite his breathing troubles, he could smell the crisp smell of fresh hospital air; it was too familiar for him to miss.
Grunting silently, he scrunched his brows, trying to remember more. Where was he?... There was a name for this place...he couldn't remember. But Jiraiya... He was chasing him, wasn't he? He must've gotten away somehow... It was all so hazy...
Cracking his eyes open. The bright white of the light hanging above him made him feel like he was looking into the sun. "Ugh," he grunted, bringing his left arm up to shield the groggy blue orbs. Within seconds, the light was turned away from him, moved away by a helping hand. It lightly squeaked its age before stopping a few feet away. Rubbing his eyes with his palm, he sat up a little straighter. Spots filled his vision when he did, as did an orange afterimage from the light overhead.
When a few of the spots had faded away, he turned to the side to see who had so kindly helped him out. It was a nurse with short white hair, dressed in light green scrubs. In her right hand was a clipboard, which she was writing on with her left hand, the pen jumping back and forth in jerky intervals. It was then that it all started to come back. This nurse with short white hair...she had helped him...with a wheelbarrow. Yeah, Jiraiya...the chase, the alley...the shadow clones, her, the wheelbarrow...and now, the hospital.
"Surprised you're waking up so soon," she said softly.
Still slightly out of it, he let out a silent groan, trying to use his arms to sit up fully.
"Easy, kid," the nurse said. The glance she gave him suggested her mild concern. "You've got enough problems as it is. Just chill out for a second."
"I don't have time to chill out," he groaned. "I've gotta keep moving." He tried to prop himself up on his arms again only to feel a sharp pain in his side. It elicited a shaky cry of pain, and his left arm jerked over to it immediately. Ok, that was new.
"Tried to tell you," she said, having returned to scribbling away. "You're pretty banged up."
The grimace of pain never left his face; he simply sat where he was, breathing labored and heavy.
"Slow, deep breaths."
He opened one eye to look at her, then let it fall shut again, his breathing slowing down in steady intervals. When he had finally caught his breath, he let himself back down onto the bed, much more gently than he would normally.
After relaxing into the semi-soft cushioning, he glanced towards her and took note of her slim form. It reminded him of Shizune a bit. An unconscious frown crossed his lips at another reminder of the place he once called home. A light shake of the head was enough to chase it away. Groaning, he raised a hand to his temple. Besides chasing away images of home, his head shake had also exacerbated the mild throbbing he could feel in his brain. Great, always something. Swallowing his discomfort, he decided to ask one of the questions he knew was absolutely critical for any ninja to ask after falling unconscious. "How long was I out?"
"Well, let's see. When you barfed all over my toes it was around noon. It's now around 5 o'clock so I'd say a few hours."
Her politely chipper voice wasn't enough to hide her underlying ire. "Sorry about that," he said silently. "The barf, I mean."
"You should be." Lowly, she added, "I had just gotten a pedicure..."
Straining slightly, he looked down over the side of the bed to see that her feet were in a pair of black hospital flats, her toes completely covered by the familiar fabric.
"Well, I can't show 'em off now..." she mumbled. "They're more like boes than anything else..."
"Boes?"
"Barf toes, genius."
At first, the statement didn't fully register, but when it did he could feel the corners of his lips slowly stretching into a grin, and then a bit of a chuckle leaving his throat at the improvised name. "Boes," he said silently. "That's pretty good."
Her icy blue eyes shifted to look at him. "You laughing at me?"
His grin turned lopsided. "Eh, maybe a little."
"You're horrible."
His grin only grew.
"Double horrible," she emphasized.
"Sorry," he smiled.
"No you're not," she said, the sides of her lips pulling up into a faint grin. "And you're a terrible liar."
"Honest," he replied, smile never wavering. "If I'da thought about it, I woulda aimed better."
"Mhm," was her only response, and then a woeful sigh shortly after, her mildly loud scribbles continuing as she glanced down at the board. "Don't worry about it, kid. I'm just one of those worst luck in the universe type of people."
"Join the club."
Her lips pursed. "Join? I'm older than you. Trust me, kid, I've been part of it for much longer."
Despite everything, he smirked.
"But with how beat up you are," she continued, ripping the paper she had been scribbling on off the clipboard. "You're definitely in the running."
"Well," he grunted, shifting on the bed and cracking his neck. "Can't argue with you there."
"Your right arm was in pretty bad shape," she started.
He looked down to it and suddenly felt the slight throbbing that had been there the whole time. Bringing it closer to his face, he examined the white bandages that now wrapped it. The pain was minimal now, a refreshing change of pace from the searing burn he had experienced not too long ago. They must've used medical ninjutsu to heal him.
"You're welcome," she said, now scribbling on the next page of the clipboard.
He looked to her, then back to the bandaged appendage. "Thanks."
"You were also poisoned," she noted.
"Yeah. Sucked when I found out."
"I can imagine. The poison we extracted is from the Orakasa mushroom, which unfortunately for you is related to one of the most deadly mushroom families we know of. You ate them willingly?"
"...Yeah."
The corner of her lips twitched and her eyelids fluttered shut as a slight grin pulled towards one of her dimples. "Skipped survival class one too many times?"
His lips fell into a pout. "Hahaha," he said drabbly. "I needed food, ok."
Her smirk only grew.
"Happy?" he asked. "Got your revenge?"
Letting her eyes roll open, she bit her tongue. "Maybe... But, in all seriousness, you should take better care of yourself, and that includes not eating poisonous mushrooms."
"To be honest, I've probably eaten much worse."
Her response was an amused but displeased frown coupled with the shaking of her head. "Whatever, kid; it's your stomach. Lucky for you, you managed to somehow work most of the poison out of your system naturally, so we don't need to do anything there."
"Not surprised; it was a while ago."
"Still not normal. Most people are barely able to stand after eating something like that. You were running from what appeared to be a high-level ninja."
"Not my first rodeo."
"Well, coulda' been your last."
His eyes narrowed into a squint.
"Just a quick run down," she continued, looking down to her clipboard. "We put you on antibiotics to take care of that wound in your arm. It was infected pretty bad so we had to clean it up and treat the infection." She flipped over to the next page. "We also gave you some painkillers for your leg since it was fractured in multiple places. From what we can see, it looks like it had been completely dislocated at one point." The icy blue eyes fixed him as if waiting for a reply.
"...Yeah, I got ambushed a while back. No biggie though. Everyone gets hurt."
"You pulled it back into place yourself?" Her eyes and blank stare showed her disbelief.
Pausing, he shrugged uncomfortably. "Something like that."
After a brief pause, she looked down and started scribbling again. "Man, you ninjas are something else... We'll have to properly set that later today, maybe even break it again. Otherwise, it'll heal wrong and you'll end up with annoying leg issues for the rest of your life."
Pausing to think for a moment, he shrugged dismissively. "It's whatever."
There was a noticeable delay before she spoke. "You know," she said, squinting in his direction. "I'm surprised you were able to keep going as you are. Most people wouldn't even be able to walk in your condition."
"I'm not most people."
"I can see that," she acknowledged. "Based on your bloodwork, you have a healing factor. Is it some type of regeneration jutsu?"
A brief pause, and then the blue eyes trailed off to the side. "No."
"Kekkai genkai?"
He shook his head left and right.
"Then how are you still going?" Her voice was more curious than prying; still, he kept his gaze on the bed.
After a while, he shrugged and sniffled a bit. "Because I have to."
By her silence, he could see that she was pondering his response; fortunately, not for too long. Without another word, she tucked the clipboard under her arm. "It's alright," she said. "I'm probably asking too many questions. There'll be time for that later." Resting one hand on his good leg, she finished, "Get some rest, kid. You really need it."
As she walked away, he watched her silently, his eyes not leaving her until she had flicked off the lights and let the door click shut behind her.
In her absence, the room fell silent and, if he was honest, felt just a tad bit emptier. One part of him regretted making her leave, his aloof and closed-off nature having chased her away. She was already shaping up to be a pretty good friend... But still, he needed this...this...silent moment. He had to think about everything and figure out what to do next. That was the right call here, wasn't it? What a proper ninja would do?
Sighing, he shut his eyes and shook his head a bit, turning his gaze to look towards the curtained window. The sunlight was still getting through somewhat from outside, though the room was only dimly lit because of the dark green curtains. The clock next to his bed let him know that the nurse was telling the truth. 5:22 PM. Left with nothing but his thoughts, he sighed deeply, letting his head fall back onto the pillow.
In the silence, recent events started running through his mind. Running away from home, eating poisonous mushrooms, running into Sasuke and those jerks, getting his leg broken, fighting in a bar, falling in a vent, fighting some perv in a warehouse, fighting Jiraiya right after, and now ending up here! One thing after another after another! And the worst part of it all was that it had only been two days... Two days! In the recesses of his mind, he could hear a whisper asking a question that made his blood run cold. Will it be like this forever?... Naruto Uzumaki against the entire world? He let his eyes fall shut as he exhaled his frustration. This had gone so horribly, horribly wrong... Stupid. Stupid! Stupid!
"I get it. Stupid."
At the familiar rasp, Naruto's eyes widened and narrowed all at once.
"Don't tell me after a little chase and fight you've already forgotten me?"
"Nah," he said, blinking a few times. "Just thinking about things."
"Doesn't sound like that's going so well."
"I just need some time to think, that's all."
"Maybe, or maybe there's more to it than that."
He scoffed quite loudly. "Not now, Kurama. Last thing I need is you picking my brain."
"You got better things to do?"
"...Shut up."
"Eh he he he..."
"It's not funny."
"Yeah, whatever you say, kid. If you just wanna sit here thinking about all the things that have gone wrong, be my guest. Probably not the best idea though."
"What else can I do? Nothing went right."
"Well, you're still alive, so that's something."
"Yeah, if only you weren't the only reason I was."
"Odd way of saying thanks, but you're welcome."
"I'm not joking, Kurama. I wouldn't have lasted two seconds out there."
"Well, that was obvious from the night we left. I told you the only way this would work was if I was on your side. I am, so it's working."
"Yeah, I mean, it's not like I have a broken leg and a busted-up arm."
"You're in a hospital; you'll be fine. And you've got me."
"And it's not like I actually want to be able to do anything to survive on my own."
A deep sigh resonated in the chambers of his mind. "Kid, word of advice. Stop beating yourself up. You're just a kid and barely a genin. You just survived an entire team ambush, a run-in with what I assume was an S-level threat, and an encounter with one of the Legendary Sannin. You're doing better than you think, even if it's with my help."
"Yeah, I guess..."
"Not I guess, kid. Give yourself some credit. Even if I gave you some help with the other stuff, we only escaped Jiraiya because you thought outside the box. That bundle of shadow clones, that was all you. And the drive to keep going even after he started attacking the clones... Well, that was something else entirely." Naruto could hear a pause and the question lingering on Kurama's tongue before he asked it. "Where does that even come from?"
A short pause and Naruto's gaze fell into his lap, silence filling the air. Finally, he whispered, "I guess I just didn't want to lose the fight..."
"Oh, come on, kid. I've seen you not want to lose a fight. I've even seen you have something to prove. This...this was something else entirely."
Naruto sighed, the room almost seeming to deflate with him. "I don't know," he said weakly. "Back when I was in Konoha I just wanted to be Hokage, to somehow rise to the top even though no one thought I could do it. I made that my one dream. It," He paused, the words not quite coming to his tongue as he liked. "It...consumed me. That was what drove me. Heck, that was the whole reason I left in the first place, but now that I'm here... Well, now that I'm here..."
"You're starting to realize it's much more than that."
He sniffled to himself and cracked his neck absentmindedly. "Yeah, and I'm not sure what it is, but I know I'm not going down without a fight."
"Hm," Kurama pondered, silent for a little less than a moment. "Think it's got something to do with why you left in the first place?"
"Maybe... Maybe not... Whatever it is, it's changing something in me, Kurama. I don't know what it is, but I can feel it. It's inside... I don't know where it came from, but it's like this...this anger...and this uncontrollable rage. It started while I was fighting Pervy Sage and now it won't stop." Lifting his palm and bandaged hand just slightly off the covers, he looked at them with a sort of solemn stare, the blue of his eyes filling with what appeared a confused sadness. "It just keeps growing...even now."
"...I'm sorry...I guess."
Blinking a few times, then letting his hands fall back into the covers, he brought himself back to reality. "Everyone's got issues."
"Maybe. Doesn't make it any easier to deal with though."
The dim room and eerie silence acted like a dynamic duo, a sort of double heaviness now lingering about in the hospital air.
"You know," Kurama eventually said. "I think something is finally starting to make sense to me now."
"Feel free to share with the class."
A light inhale, and the rasp returned. "In my spare time, I like trying to figure you out. Sometimes on my own, sometimes by searching your thoughts."
"On second thought, I probably would've preferred you keep that to yourself."
Kurama chuckled a bit. "I already told you we're jumbled up in here."
"Doesn't mean I want such a creepy reminder," Naruto answered. "And what's so interesting about me anyway?"
"Nothing special really, you're just all I've got to work with."
"Tch. Gee, thanks."
A few more raspy laughs echoed in his mind. "Kidding. In all honesty, I try to figure you out because I find you oddly interesting."
"Interesting?"
"Yes...oddly. There are many mysteries about you I haven't quite figured out yet, but there are two in particular that have been bothering me a bit more recently. This is one of them, and I think I've finally solved it."
Naruto huffed lowly. "Then out with it."
"I always asked myself what gave you that odd drive you have to keep going and to never give up despite the circumstances. I always knew it was more than just the type of person you were or the sheer will and drive to not give up, but I could never put my finger on it. I always thought it was because you had some complicated reason tucked away in your head that was just too jumbled up for me to understand, or maybe just because you had something to prove, not only to everyone else, but also to yourself, especially with all the Hokage talk. But now I see..." A moment of silence and his conclusion drifted in like the dim sun rays. "I can't figure out what truly drives you...because even you don't know."
A brief pause and Naruto's head fell, the corners of his lips curving downwards even more than before. It was obvious Kurama didn't mean anything by it. In fact, there was a soft sadness in his tone that showed some level of awareness he didn't think the old fox had. Yet that soft sadness wasn't enough to take the sting out of his words. It was infuriating. To not know what it was he really wanted. To not know why he did all the things he did, especially when he thought he had it all figured out only a few days ago. He could feel his teeth starting to grind at the mere thought of it, and the persistent frown had soon morphed into a furious scowl. Shutting his eyes, he materialized in the dark chamber once more, ripples going through the water at his sudden appearance.
Sighing and shaking his head, he scoffed to the side. "I've been trying to figure it out since I left that stupid place. I left to get stronger, right? So I could become Hokage?" As he looked back to the fox, his face turned a cross between squinting eyes and a half-open mouth. "So why don't I want that anymore?"
"You don't want to become Hokage?!"
"What?! No! That's not what I meant! Well...I mean..." He sighed. "Look," he said, eyelids falling shut. "I still want to become Hokage... It's just...It's just that I feel like I don't care as much anymore, you know. Being Hokage, being acknowledged...all of that feels so far away now." An amused huff crossing his lips, he added, "Kinda like Konoha actually is..."
The blackness fell quiet, and the only sound from Kurama's lips was a silent, "Oh..."
"Yeah," he said, sighing and sitting on the water. "That's kinda how I feel... And with all that going on inside, I don't really understand why I left anymore. And if I don't understand why I left, then...well, I guess..."
"You don't understand you," Kurama finished.
"...Yeah."
This time it didn't take long for the familiar rasp to answer. "Can I be brutally honest with you?"
Naruto scoffed, looking down into his lap with a strange sadness. "Yeah, why not."
"I never understood you."
The dark blue of his eyes shimmered as they shifted up and back towards the large, orange fox face just a few feet away. "What do you mean?"
"Come on, let's be honest, kid, the villagers have treated you like garbage for most of your life, and some of them still do. Only among your fellow genin have you started gaining what I would actually consider to be "friends". And I'll grant that some of the adults seem to have come around a bit too, but that's about it. So I always wondered what made you want to rule those people. I mean, I can understand wanting to prove them wrong, but somehow, you're so attached to them that you not only want to prove them wrong, you want to end up...ruling over them?"
Naruto's lips pulled to the side, his eyes flitting back and forth on the waters, searching for something he did not know. Finally, he looked up, voice strangely serious and carrying a solemn air. "What would you do? You think you'd have it all figured out?"
Kurama scoffed lightly. "No. But I at least know I would've left a long time ago."
Naruto's eyebrows rose and fell, his eyeballs spinning as they did. "Of course you would."
"And if I ever came back," Kurama continued. "It would be to say, 'Look at me now.' I told you something similar the night we left. 'Become stronger than they could possibly imagine.' That's what I would do. That would be my way and my chosen path. I'd leave young and come back when I was a little older, only to let them know that I could've been on their side, but they pushed me away, and now I'm not. So I can understand wanting to prove them wrong and I can understand wanting to get back at them. But what I can't understand is wanting to get back at them by rising to a position of power and then," - one of his eyes scrunched more than the other - "Serving them?"
Naruto scoffed a bit, his gaze flitting to the side and back. "They're my only family, Kurama. I'm just making do with what I've got."
There was the briefest of pauses, and then a few of the yellow teeth came into view, accompanied by a string of quick-winded chuckles. "Ah," he rumbled lowly, the underside of his chin becoming slightly visible as his head tilted back a bit in the shadows. "So that's what it is. That's what you think they are? Your family?"
Naruto's brows furrowed ever so slightly. "What's that supposed to mean?"
One of Kurama's brows lifted. "Besides the obvious?"
"...Family isn't just blood, you know."
"True...but do you think that whatever family actually is, you have it back there?"
"...Yeah."
"Hm," Kurama mused. "Interesting."
"Why?"
"Because I never saw it that way."
Naruto stared oddly through the dark, a sort of unspoken question lingering in his slightly squinted eyes.
"I always thought family was more about relationship, you know, who you cared about and who cared about you."
"...I agree."
"And you think you have that?"
"You don't?"
Kurama thought about his answer for less than two seconds. "No... But maybe we just see things differently."
Naruto's gaze fell then settled off to the side, brows furrowing in the dark.
"Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying this to hurt you, kid. I just think we see things differently because of our experience." Scoffing a bit of a chuckle, he continued. "I've been around for a veeery long time, and trust me when I say that I've seen families at their best and at their worst. What you had in Konoha, being the village reject and the class clown, it was..."
The silence lingered between them for a moment before Naruto spoke. "Not a family?"
"...Strange," Kurama finished. "And I always knew it was built on a shaky foundation. To be honest, I wasn't really all that surprised when it blew up. I mean, who likes being the oddball..."
Naruto's gaze stayed on the ground, blue orbs following the blackened ripples. When he spoke, it sounded as if his words had somehow been drawn from a formerly untouched part of his soul. "How could I even know what a family is?... I grew up without a mom, without a dad, without any sense of what growing up in a normal home would feel like." He opened his mouth to say something else, then pulled his lips into a tight-lipped frown. "I don't even know what else to say."
Kurama's frown grew. "You don't have to say anything. You had a messed up life. That's just the facts. It's ok to feel sad."
"But feeling sad doesn't change anything," he said, an angry sigh on his lips as he popped back onto his feet and took a few steps in the opposite direction.
"Maybe not," Kurama agreed. "But understanding why you feel sad might."
Turning around halfway, he scoffed and half-heartedly said, "So understanding the past is supposed to help me somehow?"
"Yeah. Probably more than you think."
In the air between them lingered a silence that matched the dark, and between their eyes a question neither knew. Finally, Naruto spoke. "Explain it to me."
Kurama eyed him through the dark for but a moment, then let his gaze fall and rise back up. "You said you didn't understand yourself before – why you did what you did, why you believed what you believed, why you even really wanted to be Hokage."
"...Yeah."
"Can't you see? Your past is literally at the heart of everything you described – the rage, the frustration, that deep-seated drive you can't explain."
"What are you talking about?"
"What I'm talking about, kid, is my growing realization and the unraveling of one of the deepest mysteries about you that I could never quite solve. I couldn't sense it before, but I've got a pretty good bead on it now. Deep in your heart. That's where that anger lies. That's the house for the rage you can't control, like an untapped spring and a pit so cleverly concealed."
Naruto stood silent, his eyes shimmering a dark blue in the quiet and black.
"You still don't see it do you?" Kurama asked sadly. The large fox head lifted slightly off his paws and, through the dark, he looked down on the boy below. "You grew up the village reject, didn't you? Hated by all and loved by none. So ask yourself this question. Deep down, do you think you really liked those people anywhere near as much as you think you did?"
Naruto's eyes drifted down to the waters, and his brows furrowed in the dark. "Well, I guess I always just kinda knew people hated me," he answered, finally looking up. "It became kinda normal, you know. A way of life. Didn't really ever think about if I really liked them or not."
"But did you?"
Squinting lightly towards the water, he softly said, "I thought I did."
Kurama huffed ever so slightly. "Well, news flash, kid, what you think you believe and feel is very often different from what you actually believe and feel. Sure, you had some friends and a bit of what you'd call family, and sure you liked them pretty well, but everyone else... Well, let's just say they probably weren't your family as much as you thought."
Only the slightest of pauses between them, Naruto asked, "Think that's why I'm angry?"
"No, I know it is. And if you're honest with yourself, you'll see that your anger goes much deeper than that."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that the small group of friends you actually had wasn't enough for you. Being the runt of the village hurt too much for it to ever be. You wanted more. You've always wanted more. And you never let that go."
Naruto's jaw clenched in the dark.
"You wanted to be more than the class clown, and better than the determined loser. You wanted to sit in those classrooms and not feel like the total reject everyone made you out to be. You wanted to belong...but you didn't. And not getting those things killed you. It made you angry, even though you hid it well. But now that you've created some distance you're starting to feel it. That rage that won't stay asleep anymore. That anger you so cleverly contained. Now the weight of everything they ever did to you is coming back at you full force. Every time a store owner shut the door in your face, or a school kid kicked you out of the group and told you you didn't belong. Every time you sat on that same, broken old swing and watched everyone from a distance...alone. You had fooled yourself so well that even I thought those things rolled off your back...but they didn't, did they?"
Naruto stood motionless, gaze now on the waters, his breathing strangely even in the darkness.
"No..." Kurama continued. "Years upon years of being treated like garbage did something to you. You're supposed family kept those feelings at bay, but they're not here anymore, and now, everything you kept hidden inside is starting to come to the surface. Jiraiya was only a trigger. All of that rage has been bubbling within for all this time." He scoffed a bit, then said, "You see, kid, your real problem is that Konoha has become home and hell all at once. You don't really want to go back, but another part of you can't stay away."
A brief pause passed between them before Naruto lifted his head. "Get to the part where this helps me."
"Well, that's pretty simple – accept how you feel. Stop lying to yourself. You're mad. It's ok. To be honest, it's freaking normal."
Naruto's gaze fell once more, eyes pensive in the dark.
"I'm not saying that's where you stop," Kurama continued. "But it's probably a good first step."
As the ripples traveled outwards, Naruto considered Kurama's words. For the most part, he liked to operate on his own reasoning, but he could feel in his very soul the resonance of truth. It was the perfect description. Hell and home all at once... Now that he thought about it, all this little crusade was was an attempt to make it all home. To win over the hearts and minds of people he didn't even really like or care for. It all made sense now. His outburst when running away from Jiraiya, that pit of rage he couldn't explain, his slowly dying dreams... All a result of the unraveling of his cleverly crafted lie. But now the lie was falling apart and him right along with it.
The newfound revelation danced around in his mind for longer than he cared to know, his silent musings reflected on his pale blank face. Finally, he lifted his head, jaw hardening with a newfound resolve. No more. That was his decision. No more... No more pretending and wearing a happy smile. No more acting like everything was just fine and a-ok. No more acting like there wasn't any pain. No more pretending there weren't any scars. No more...
But then, like a jolt of lightning, he felt something striking in his soul. Something he hadn't at all expected and a feeling he thought so far away. Yet as he searched for the striking's origin, he could sense that it wasn't in his soul that the tendrils of twisted emotion danced. With a troubled squint, his eyes traveled up to the fox. "This makes you happy?..."
Kurama paused briefly, eyes slightly wide as he eyed the boy in the dark. "Well, uh...no," he said, stuttering a bit.
"Don't lie to me," Naruto said. "In case you forgot, I can sense your feelings too."
After a brief pause, Kurama swallowed then let his gaze fall away and his head to the side, something unreadable resting in the hidden red orbs. "...I'm sorry," he finally said, head still turned away.
"You're sorry?..." Naruto repeated in a whisper. "The heck's wrong with you?! You shouldn't be happy in the first place!"
"It's not what you think," Kurama defended.
"Then what is it?!"
"Just...take a breath," Kurama said. "Relax a bit."
The way his chest rose and fell only slightly slowed.
As the quiet made its home between them, Kurama's jaw could be seen clenching in the darkness, then his eyes drifting off to the side, something in them glazing over so they were a paler red that made them appear strangely distant. "I'm sorry," he finally said, a strange pause sitting in between his words. "I don't mean to be happy," he continued. "I guess it just kinda happened without me expecting it..."
Naruto's gaze never shifted.
Kurama's own troubled gaze still off to the side, he inhaled deeply, a rush of mild wind passing through the chamber. When he exhaled, the massive rush of breath shook the waters. As the murky black ripples stretched outwards, the chamber seemed to shift and change, the darkness seeming to lift ever so slightly, and the choking air no longer so thick.
"Yes, Naruto," came the fox's rasp. "Though I don't feel the best about it, I am happy... But not because I take some twisted pleasure in your pain, or in you not having a family."
The shimmering blue orbs seemed to shimmer more darkly, his lips still set in a grim line. "Then why?"
Kurama's faint smile never left his lips. "I'm happy, kid...because after all this time, I'm starting to realize you've actually got a little bit of me in you." Looking back up to him with a bit of a grin, he finished, "That...that makes me happy."
Naruto's brows remained furrowed, his jaw still clenched.
A half scoff, half-chuckle on Kurama's lips, he looked away, letting his gaze drift out onto the ripples. "For the longest time, I wondered if holding onto a grudge for years was really the right thing to do. I would go through all the possibilities and ask myself if letting go was the best option, just wondering if the past should stay there… I couldn't decide. I wanted to hold on so bad, to swear vengeance and fury all in due time, but inside I could feel some small part of me wanting to let go, to be free." His swallow was barely visible against the black. "Watching you made it harder, how you let everything roll off your back, how you smiled and took everything in stride. Eventually, I started to think that maybe letting it all go might be the best thing to do, just resign myself to my little cage and forget about getting back at Konoha. It seemed like it was working pretty good for you, to be honest; maybe it could work pretty good for me too... But now I see. All this time you've been pretending not to care, acting unphased, laughing it all off…" The yellowish fangs came into view as his grin stretched a little wider in the darkness, his next words a whisper. "But you're right there with me... You just hadn't realized it yet."
The space surrounding fell silent at his words, and the air surrounding felt unnaturally cold, yet neither moved and neither spoke, the weight of what had been said seeming to issue a mandate of silence. Finally, Naruto broke it, looking away, then back to the familiar face ahead. "Well, I'm glad one of us could find a silver lining." The pause after he spoke was telling enough, and it wasn't long before he had half turned his back, only moments away from phasing out of sight.
Kurama blinked a few times before speaking into the black. "Wait."
Naruto stopped where he was, head only slightly turning over his shoulder.
"I'm sorry," he continued. "I didn't really think about what you were feeling. Didn't even really have time to if I'm honest. I was just glad to have someone going through the same thing, you know. Didn't feel so alone anymore..."
Naruto stopped where he was, mind vaguely pondering the fox's apology as the silence lingered. Finally, he sighed and let his head fall a bit. "It's fine, Kurama. It's...fine." After a brief pause, he scoffed, looking down at the murky liquid below. "But it's also funny, isn't it?… I never really knew anything about my past, now I don't even know how I really feel about my present…" At last, he turned to look over his shoulder, his lips still in a grim line. "Makes you wonder about my future, doesn't it?"
Kurama's dull red eyes peered through the darkness as the silence wrapped around, and Naruto's gaze shifted away in the slightest of ways.
"Heal me up if you can," he finally said. "Without telling everyone where I am. This hospital crap is working too slow for me."
There was no time for Kurama to respond; Naruto was gone the moment his words were said, the space he had been in now nothing but murky ripples and empty black space. Kurama watched it for a moment, then looked away, the red eyes eventually coming to rest on his reflection in the waters. As he did, the orange muscles around his eyes tightened and the dull red eyes shifted in the dark. And then his head was on his paws and his breathing slow, yet this time, he did not let his eyelids shut out the outside world.
Author's note: Hm... Interesting revelations. At least I think so. I'm enjoying getting into the motivations and hidden sentiments behind these characters and why they do what they do. Maybe that's just me though. Either way, feel free to let me know what you think in a review. I appreciate it.
P.S. If you're an action junkie, don't worry, I am too. Just gotta take care of the other parts of the story first. Can't write action all the time. :/ There will be some more action in later chapters though. Love y'all. Peace!