Chapter 6

"I think we're ready for the next step," Cassian told her with a smile that morning. Nesta looked at him, uncertain, glancing from him to the mats.

"What are you planning?" she asked curiously.

"Your core. It's time to start with some ab exercises." Nesta couldn't help but glance at Cassian's abs when he mentioned the word.

"Alright, I'm ready," she nodded.

No, Nesta was not ready. She whined and cursed openly, much to Cassian's amusement.

"You're a heartless demon," she said, her sweaty hair sticking to her forehead. "It's too early for this," she panted. "What about good old-fashioned cardio instead?" she nearly begged.

"Five more, and we're done," he assured her.

"I can't do even one more," Nesta declared.

"Five, Nesta."

"One, one more, and we're done."

"Four," he bargained with her.

"Two, not one more," she clung to the negotiation. They ended up doing three, stopping halfway. Nesta collapsed after the third, not noticing the proud look Cassian gave her.

"I'll never understand how you males do this for fun," Nesta muttered, panting as she drank some water.

"I was born to a single woman," Cassian said, his voice suddenly sounding uncomfortable, "in a settlement that makes Windhaven look like a tolerant and welcoming paradise. She was rejected for having a child out of wedlock and was forced to give birth to me alone in a tent in the middle of winter."

Nesta stared at him in horror. She had dedicated most of her life to neonatology; to do something so cruel to a woman... She felt her chest tighten with rage just imagining it. She extended her hand before she realized it and took Cassian's, squeezing it. He looked at her in surprise, as if he didn't expect such a gesture from her. Yes, Nesta was tough, a bit venomous at times, but she wasn't a monster and was capable of empathy, even if she avoided letting it consume her for her own sanity most of the time.

"And your father?" she asked tentatively.

"Are you referring to the piece of shit who forced her and then went back to his wife and family?" Cassian let out a cold laugh that she rarely heard. "There were no consequences for him."

"There almost never are," she said with disgust. Even in her world, with all the laws in place, it was incredible how often abusive pigs could get away with it or the hell a woman had to go through when she dared to seek justice. The blame was always put on them, for how they dressed, how they spoke, any reason or excuse.

"There are here," Cassian growled, as if sensing the direction of her thoughts. He gestured to the city below, hidden by the mountain and the House that blocked the view. "Rhys changed the laws. Here, in the Night Court and in Illyria." His face hardened even more. "But it still requires the survivor to come forward. And in places like Illyria, they make life hell for any woman who does. They see it as betrayal."

"Yeah, it's always like that, and they always try to blame the victim, from how she dressed to why she simply looked at him, and some idiot decided that was an invitation," she nodded, fully understanding what Cassian meant.

"Yeah," the male sighed at the truth of her words. "Change comes slowly for us. What humans achieve in decades takes us centuries. Longer, if you live in Illyria."

"So, why bother with them?" she asked curiously. She knew the Illyrians were important to the male who was their general.

"Because I fought like hell to prove myself," his eyes gleamed, "to prove that my mother brought something good into this world."

"Where is she now?" she asked, thinking that poor woman deserved something good in life.

"I was taken from her when I was three. Thrown into the snow. And in her supposed state of disgrace, she became prey to other monsters." Nesta's stomach churned with every word. "She worked herself to exhaustion until she died, alone and..." His throat worked. "By then, I was already in Windhaven. I wasn't strong enough to go back and help her. To take her somewhere safe. Rhys wasn't the High Lord yet, and none of us could do anything."

Nesta felt her heart constrict at Cassian's story, the helplessness of a child unable to save his mother. Nesta found herself on her knees before she realized it, hugging Cassian, wanting to comfort the lonely child inside the warrior. Cassian was shocked, completely surprised, but with a soft sigh, he wrapped his arms around her and inhaled the scent of her hair.

"I'm so sorry, Cassian. She didn't deserve that; it wasn't your fault," she assured him softly. They stayed embraced for several minutes. Nesta didn't break the contact, letting Cassian decide how long he needed the comfort. She would hold him for as long as he needed. Eventually, the male let her go. Nesta sat back on her heels, watching him as he cleared his throat.

"What I wanted to explain with all this is that through everything, through every horrible thing, the training centered me. It guided me. When I had a shitty day, when they spat on me or beat me or rejected me, when I led armies and lost good warriors, when Rhys was taken by Amarantha... through all of that, the training remained. The other day, you said breathing helped you. It helps me too. It helped Feyre."

She observed the wall that rose in his eyes, word by word. And she didn't understand why. Did he really think she was so cruel as to use the story of a poor woman against him? Wow, talk about having a bad image in other people's minds. She shrugged; she knew she couldn't control how others saw her, only how she saw herself.

"Show me another set of movements," she said, steering the conversation back for the male's comfort. Cassian looked at her in silence but eventually nodded and showed her some other movements. Nesta watched him with a smile, enjoying the fluidity with which this man, built like a tank, was able to move.

-o-o-o-

That evening at dinner, Nesta felt sore. It wasn't just from her training with Cassian, but also from her work in the library and her self-defense classes with Gwyn. Although she was starting to eat better and exercise, her body, in its current state, wouldn't recover overnight, so feeling sore was simply natural.

Nesta started the conversation, prompting Cassian to talk a bit more about his work as a warrior. She had to admit that the man he had become was deeply admirable, though she would never understand why he had to suffer so much in his life. Cassian spoke to her about Lanthys and Lubia, some of the monsters he had taken to the prison.

Eventually, the conversation shifted to other topics until Cassian asked,

"How are your powers?" His voice sounded clearly uncomfortable, as if he expected the question to provoke an outburst from Nesta. Nesta blinked, puzzled; it seemed this man almost lived in fear of her, she thought amused.

"They're fine, it's not like they're causing any problems or anything like that. They're resting, but I can feel them here, warm, but at the same time cold. I couldn't explain it to you," she shrugged. Cassian nearly gaped, baffled by her response, as if he didn't expect Nesta to answer. Nesta found it amusing.

"Your powers need activity and training…"

"I thought activity and training was what we were doing together," Nesta joked, resting her elbow on the now empty table and leaning her head on her hand to stare at him intently.

"Not that kind of training. I mean the kind of training you… had with Amren. What happened between you two?"

Nesta had to search her memories to recall. She shrugged.

"Differences of opinion," she said simply.

"What kind of differences of opinion could those be?" Cassian asked, probing. Obviously, Cassian didn't understand much about social subtleties and didn't know when to stop, but Nesta didn't mind it coming from him.

"To be honest… I want my own friends, not Feyre's friends, who are Feyre's friends for whom I am Feyre's sister. I want my friends, mine, friends who see Nesta Archeron and for whom Feyre is just Nesta's sister. Besides, making a woman who has just lost all her power train someone with powers like mine… it's cruel," she explained. Cassian looked at her, not understanding. "Leave it at that; you wouldn't get it."

"Because I'm a brute?" Cassian asked, with a sarcastic tone.

"Because you're a male," she teased, shrugging. "Being a brute comes with being male; don't worry too much about that." Nesta couldn't help it; it was automatic. A house dominated by women had taught her a thing or two about messing with the boys. Cassian growled, and she smiled playfully. "Come on, it's just a joke, grumpy baby; lose the face," she said, amused.

"You've changed… and I like it, although I don't understand why you changed so much overnight, but I still feel it, the fear in you, Nesta."

Nesta wasn't going to dance that dance. She knew how to recognize a male looking for a fight; she had seen many like that at the hospital. She calmly got up from the table.

"It's late, Cas, I'm going to rest. Sleep well. I'll find you if I feel bad," she assured him and left, not noticing the male she left completely baffled because Nesta had called him Cas.

-o-o-o-

"Come on, Nes, this is ridiculous. I only asked you to hold that position for thirty seconds," Cassian protested, narrowing his eyes. If Nesta had something within reach, she would have thrown it at the big brute.

"Excuse me for not having had five hundred years to build a tank-like body like yours," she said, trying to catch her breath. "This is torture," she decided. "Why don't you go and do everything you just ordered me to do?"

"A ten-year-old Illyrian child could do this in a few minutes."

"Well, good for them, I'll give them a round of applause when I see them. I'm neither a child nor Illyrian. I'm just a woman, and considering that I'm an immortal who's going to live for eternity, I could claim that my twenty-something years are like those of a child. I'm allowed to have the strength of a chicken," she assured without any shame. "So, go ahead, show me your strength, rooster, boast a little for me," she teased.

And to her surprise, Cassian obliged, performing her same routine but with much more weight and complexity, although Nesta didn't pay much attention to that; she was too busy devouring him with her eyes. What? The man was divine, and she wasn't blind.

"What?"

"Don't fish for compliments, dear. Your ego is already sufficiently inflated without them," Nesta smiled, looking him up and down and winking as she saw the male's chest swell with pride. "Why aren't there any female combat units among the Illyrians? Women have their own elements and advantages that make them useful in both law enforcement and battle forces," she commented.

Then Cassian explained why. And Nesta felt the urge to hit all the Illyrian males over the head with a bat just to knock some common sense and respect for women into those thick skulls. Then, Cassian told her about the Blood Rite, and everything inside Nesta wanted to protest against such a barbaric practice, but she bit her lip just in time. Something told her that her protests about human rights, health, and ethics weren't appropriate at that moment.

They were silent for a few moments, and finally, Nesta spoke.

"Would you train non-Illyrian females?"

"I'm training you, aren't I?"

Nesta narrowed her eyes.

"You know what I mean. I'm thinking… about the priestesses. If I invited some of them to train with us," she said, thinking more specifically about Gwyn; she knew what she could teach her was limited, as she only knew some self-defense, not much more. "Here, where it's private and safe. Would you train them?"

Cassian blinked, surprised, looking at her as if Nesta were something he couldn't quite understand.

"Yes, of course," he said after a few moments, realizing he had been silently staring at her for longer than appropriate. "But, Nesta… many of the females in the library don't want to be… near males again."

"I know, and I know it's a long shot, I just wanted to know if… if I were to invite them, if… I could count on you. Maybe, to make them feel safer, you could ask one of your friends to join us. Mor or someone else you can think of." Amren and Mor weren't her friends, but they were Cassian's, and she respected that.

"Even so, they might not be able to handle me being there."

"Maybe, but I think they can sense that you would never harm them that way, not you," she said with complete certainty. And Cassian's hazel eyes softened slightly.

"It's not about that for them. It's about the fear, the trauma they carry. Even if they know I'd never do that, it might bring back memories that are difficult for them."

"I know, and I'm not saying it will happen tomorrow, but maybe… later," she whispered hopefully.

Cassian stared at her and finally nodded, making Nesta smile.

"If any of them want to come, I'll be happy to train them. Mor is far away, but I could ask Feyre..."

"No, not Feyre," Nesta refused immediately with a shudder. She couldn't, she couldn't see Feyre, the Feyre her mind had twisted into a copy of her beloved Fernanda, a twisted and different copy. No, seeing Feyre meant thinking her little sister was also dead, and Nesta couldn't bear that thought, not even remotely. "I just… not her," she said, bringing her hands to her chest, as if to hold herself together.

"Alright, not Feyre," Cassian spoke softly, like a man trying to calm a small animal he had frightened. "But I have to inform her and Rhys. You should probably ask Clotho for permission too." A warm hand took her shoulder and squeezed it. "I like this idea, Nes." His hazel eyes gleamed. "I like it a lot."

Nesta smiled, realizing how much it meant that Cassian supported her in this.

-o-o-o-

Clotho said yes. Nesta put up a sign-up sheet for anyone who wanted to join. Although she knew it would take a lot of time, she wasn't in a hurry; she had all eternity ahead of her.

"I… I'm sorry, Nesta," Gwyn apologized for not joining; she wasn't ready.

"It's alright," Nesta hugged her. Gwyn was becoming more comfortable with physical contact with her every day. "There's no rush, I don't want to pressure you or anyone else. We have eternity, so even if it takes two millennia for you to be ready, that's fine," she assured her. "Besides, before that, I'm still waiting for you to be ready for a girls' night with me," she joked.

Gwyn smiled with clear relief.

"Would it really just be you and me?"

"Just you and me," Nesta nodded.

"I… I'd like to go to dinner with you," Gwyn whispered, and Nesta couldn't help but squeal and hug her tightly.

-o-o-o-

Cassian left them alone, promising to return by noon the next day, as Nesta had requested. Nesta was buzzing with excitement, and the House helped her prepare the perfect dinner to have with her friend, not even at the table, but in a blanket fort. Nesta wanted a sleepover with Gwyn. She went to fetch her from the library personally, and together they walked hand in hand to the room where the food was waiting. Gwyn clung tightly to Nesta, and Gwyn's trust meant the world to her. Throughout the night, Gwyn relaxed, enjoyed dinner with Nesta, laughed with her, and even joined Nesta in several silly dances to music Gwyn didn't know but that Nesta brought from her world. They sang silly songs just for the two of them while jumping and dancing, making fools of themselves, but it didn't matter since they were alone. It was late into the night when Nesta walked her back and hugged her tightly, kissing her cheek.

"Thank you, thank you for trusting me, for letting me keep you safe. You're my best friend, Gwyn," she whispered while hugging her. Then she felt something warm on her cheek: the other female was crying. They said nothing more, just hugged for a long time until Gwyn pulled away. Gwyn walked off, and Nesta returned to her room, feeling lighter and happier than she had in a long time.

"Thank you for helping me have such a wonderful night, House," she whispered as she slipped between the sheets that night. Nesta could swear she felt the House's response gently in her bones.