To Fine Print, Esq.,
…
I had to put this letter down for twenty whole minutes before I could even start writing a response. Not because I was busy, not because I was thinking—but because my brain literally could not process the sheer, absolute, unfiltered stupidity of what you just suggested.
You want to blame aliens. ALIENS. You want me, a Princess of Equestria, a scholar of magic, a scientist, a pony who has spent her entire life dedicated to knowledge and rational thought—to stand in front of a court of law and say that aliens mind-controlled Princess Celestia into nuking Six Flags.
I have spent years cultivating an image of intelligence, reason, and wisdom, and you are asking me to throw all of that out the window and double down on what might be the single most ridiculous legal defense in Equestrian history.
Fine Print. I hate this. I hate this so much.
But you know what? Fine.
I have nothing left. Every sane legal strategy has crumbled. The public is in chaos. Celestia is beyond reason. I have a literal interdimensional Costco to deal with. I do not have time to craft a genius, airtight defense when I'm also planning a full-scale rescue mission to extract my other alicorn mentor from a corporate hellscape where the corndogs have gained sentience.
So fine. Blame it on aliens. You win. Congratulations.
But if this works—*if Equestria actually buys this garbage—*I am never speaking to any of these ponies with respect ever again. I will never take another law seriously. I will never acknowledge our justice system as legitimate. If Celestia walks free because of this nonsense, then I will live the rest of my life knowing that I could have literally said anything and gotten away with it.
Draft your motion. I'll prepare myself for the single most humiliating experience of my career.
I hate this. I hate this so much.
Twilight Sparkle
Princess of Friendship, Victim of Insanity, Resigned to Her Fate