Areelu Van Yastobaal Vs. The Forces Of Bureaucracy
Rogue Trader Areelu Van Yastobaal was as nervous as she had ever been before. In her long, illustrious, and secretly treasonous/heretical career roaming the Eastern Fringes while searching for a cure for her daughter, she had fought Pirates, Mutants, Xenos, both sentient and not, Daemons, and nightmarish horrors that defied classification. However, the challenge she was about to face would make all that seem as grass before the scythe. She was about to apply for planning permission.
Make no mistake, Areelu had prior experience of Bureaucracy. When she ascended to her current exalted role after eliminating all her competitors for the title she had go to the Administratum cloister on the Van Yastobaal capital world to formally register herself as the latest holder of her Lineage's Warrant of Trade before her ascension ceremony could take place.
5 days. That was how long it took. 18 queues, 32 clerks, and 67 different forms, every agonising moment still seared into her memory over a century later. Her being one of the Emperor's anointed Freemen and the de-facto ruler of the world they were on meant nothing to the timeservers behind the desks. NO-ONE was above their ancient mandates, and even when directly contradicting each other the Laws of the Imperium could NEVER be wrong, only worked around, no matter how many additional forms needed to be filled, or extra hours of filing it took. If she hadn't bribed a minor functionary to bring her a pouch full of ration bars and a few canteens of water there was every possibility she might have starved before achieving her objective. From that day onwards she had relied on her steward and various factotums to deal with paperwork in her name, and firmly refused to queue for anything.
Now she was facing going through that horrifying experience again. Upon visiting Slawkenburg for the first time and seeing their excellent industry and agriculture standards, not to mention the myriad wonders of Emeli's Gift, she wished to set up a permanent holding there to facilitate long-term trade and to reinforce her Lineage's alliance with the Protectorate. Nothing excessive mind you, a warehouse compound on the outskirts of Cainopolis with some housing for her staff and representatives, and a small private estate with a 20-bed Manor House for her and Lucia whenever they visited would be more than sufficient. She didn't want Lord Cain to think her ostentatious after all.
However, to be allowed to build all that, she needed 'planning permission', a concept which the Tzeentchian Bureaucracy had apparently dug up from somewhere in humanity's ancient past. So here she stood, written proposal in hand, in front of Cainopolis's primary Administratum Ziggurat, one of the few civic buildings to have survived the revolution given that most of its inhabitants were part of the conspiracy to begin with, and the purpose of which had barely changed, save that in addition to being the centre of administration it also doubled as the primary Tzeentchian temple in the city.
It had naturally been altered in the intervening years to reflect this, having being repainted the signature shade of teal that most people in the know associated with Tzeentch, and the Aquila over the grand entranceway had been replaced with the 4 quartered Sigil of the Protectorate, with Tzeentch's own symbol hanging below it in enlarged form. Additionally, its geometries no longer seemed quite right, and when looked at out of the corner of the eye it seemed simultaneously both larger and smaller than it should be in a way that induced a mild headache.
She had a pretty good idea of what to expect. The Administratum may be lumbering, antiquarian, and absurd, but one the best known of Tzeentch's 900 names wasn't 'The Great Conspirator' for nothing. She expected to encounter a system so complex, so labyrinthine and incomprehensible, that trying to utilise it without proper training would probably send a strong-willed person mad, hence why she had come herself. She couldn't trust even her most loyal factotums to come out the other side sane, if they came out at all.
At least she was prepared this time. She had left Lucia aboard the Worldwounder with her household staff, with instructions to care for her until she returned, had packed herself a large satchel full of iron rations and water, had stuffed the side pockets with a variety of small valuables in case she needed to bribe someone or barter for more supplies, and had an auspex attached to her belt. She also had her relic staff in a holster strapped across her back in case she needed to fight her way out, a conversion field generator tucked in a discrete inside pocket, as well as a full range of Jokaero made digital weapons adorning her fingers.
With all that in mind, she supposed there was no point in putting this off any further, she'd been standing here long enough. Steeling herself, she strode through the dread portal.
"Ah, Madame Van Yastobaal, there you are! We expected you to arrive almost 20 minutes ago, I was about to come looking for you! I thought you might have stopped for a recaff on route, there's a lovely establishment just down the road that I always have my lunch in, I was going to start looking there. I say, you are heavily laden down, you must have a long day planned for after you're done here!"
Areelu blinked. The moment she had entered the building she had been accosted by a very pretty young lady in a flattering blue and grey robe, who was now standing before her with a bright smile while talking extremely fast. Whatever she expected when she first planned her visit here, it hadn't been this.
"But where are my manners, please allow me to introduce myself. I am Junior Sorceress-Administrator Rufina Tympanbow, assistant to the Master of Civic Planning. We were very surprised when we got word from the Seer's conclave that you would be coming in person today, in our department we normally just send people the mostly completed forms they need to sign by courier when we predict they'll need them and the couriers bring them straight back! Then it occurred to us that you must be used to doing things the Imperial way, such a horrible sounding system, they taught us all about that during our training as part of the 'Integrating newly Liberated planets' module. Still, you're here now, and it's a pleasure to meet you! Now, we can't stand here all day, so if you'll let Acolyte-Clerk Brian here take your very heavy looking bag for you, he'll give you a receipt for it and return it to you on your way out. Is that your proposal in your hand there? Excellent, this way please!"
Helpless before the torrent of friendly chatter, Areelu found herself stripped of her bag of precious supplies, and ushered towards a bank of armourcrys walled funicular elevators on the other side of the room. Now she had an opportunity to look around the room, she saw that the entrance hall was large, painted in soothing shades of blue, and surprisingly empty. Most people she could see were walking towards a sign indicating the main temple chamber, and a few were standing at counters manned by young people dressed much like her very verbal companion, but as far as she could see the turnover appeared to be very high indeed. She wondered if they were being turned away without further consideration, but none of the departing supplicants looked sad or dejected. As they entered one of the elevators she could have sworn she heard one of the counter-staff congratulating a young couple (the man had a number of visible augments, and the woman was dressed in a USA corporal's uniform) on their marriage, and asking them to come back in 7 and a half months to pick up their daughter's birth certificate.
As the doors closed and the elevator got underway (strange elevator music came on that caught her attention for a moment), she tuned out the young woman's on-going babbling, and kept dazedly looking around. The floors they passed were not the horrifying maze of dimension defying configurations she was expecting, but open, filled with rows of plain desks with data cogitators on them, occasionally broken up by meeting tables and holo displays, and populated by swarms of humans in variations of blue robes, most carrying data slates or what she recognised as minor sorcerous foci, and all in near constant motion, working, talking, gesticulating at hololiths, standing around ritual circles, and in one case snogging passionately behind a pillar.
In direct contrast to the Imperial Administratum there was very little visible paper, and what she could see was mostly being transported around by CAT's with small servo arms mounted on top of them.
"Ah, I see you've noticed the Bureau-CATs(*), wonderful aren't they? They do all the filing. We don't keep much on paper, far too easy for records to get mislaid or damaged, but what we do have gets taken care of by the Bureau-CATs. They don't get confused or tired, and all paper records are allocated a numbered slot in our vaults, so they never get them mixed up, and they free us up to get on with more important work than running around with piles of paper! We just have to be careful not to step on them while they're up here. Our floor is coming up in a moment Madame Areelu, so while we are still in here may I complement you on your wonderful staff? It's a privilege to see such a incredible artifact of The Changer of Ways, and an honour that you graced our humble temple with it today. Everyone has been really curious about it ever since we heard about how you and Master Jurgen helped the Liberator save Cassandron using it. If it isn't too much of an inconvenience, once we are done with your application would mind joining me in the break room so I can introduce some of my friends, they're just dying to meet you, and would love to ask you some questions about your staff!"
Areelu, still too bewildered to really process what was being said, nodded distraitly and mumbled some vague assent, to which the young lady responded by smiling massively and squealing behind her hands.
Exiting the elevator, she was swiftly lead through the sea of organised chaos around her to a side chamber, marked 'Planning Department'. Rufina opened the door, and they entered a tidepool of relative calm. There were more hololiths in here, each showing an image of a different structure. She saw a manufactoria, a hab-block, a spaceport control tower, a large building that was a hospital if her medical career from before the birth of her daughter meant anything at all, several nondescript structures that just screamed warehouses, and what she could have sworn was an Imperial Schola Progenium if it wasn't for the total lack of gargoyles, iconography, and statuary, and the fact that the grand church at the centre appeared to be replaced by five small adjoining chapels.
Each projected image had at least a few people surrounding it, conversing while pointing at different parts of the structures, consulting data slates, and making adjustments to the controls on the projectors. As she watched a new entrance appeared on the spaceport image, causing the onlookers to nod in satisfaction.
Rufina herded her towards a larger desk at the head of the room, behind which sat a man who's appearance reminded her of a predatory wading bird. He was tall, gaunt, dressed in the darkest robes she had seen yet, closer to black than blue, and was wearing a matching skullcap. He subjected her to an inscrutable expression which felt like she was being examined from several angles simultaneously. She idly wondered if he had learnt how to do that from Lord Cain. Above his desk was a very plain tapestry depicting a short phrase in high gothic, 'Ad Urbem Pertinet'.
"Madame Van Yastobaal, allow me to introduce Sorcerer-Superintendent Hav'Loc, the Master of Civic Planning in Cainopolis. Sir, this is the Lady Captain Areelu Van Yastobaal."
"A pleasure to meet you Madame Van Yastobaal. I have been told a great deal about you."
This was said in such a manner that it in no way implied that this man had heard things she would rather nobody ever hear, and thus somehow further implied that he knew everything about her down to her shoe size.
"Please do have a seat Madame. Rufina, would you kindly fetch the umbrella stand for the Lady Captain to put her staff in? I imagine you would prefer to keep it close at hand. And please ask Acolyte-Clerk Columbine to bring in a tray? Recaff for me, and a glass of chilled water for our guest."
This was exactly what Areelu felt she needed right now, but having someone reading her this well only disquieted her further.
Rufina bustled up carrying an umbrella holder which appeared to have been made out of the taxidermied foot of a large Ork, placing it next to Areelu's seat, and another clerk placed a tray with the requested drinks and a plate of dainties on the table. As Areelu cautiously slipped her staff into the stand, reluctant to even let go of it but feeling that not doing so might display bad faith, Hav'Loc picked up a mug emblazoned with "You don't have to be able to see the future to work here, but it helps!".
"Now Madame, you would like to apply to construct a trade enclave and a home for yourself on the outskirts of Cainopolis."
It wasn't a question. Clearly, these people were more dangerously well informed than she could have imagined. Areelu nodded cautiously.
"Excellent. I take it that the file in your hand is your proposal? May I please see it?"
Areelu passed it over, and Hav'Loc opened it up and flicked through the pages.
"Hmmm. Not bad, but there's room for improvement. Rufina, put these plans in the pict scanner, and bring them up on the hololith."
Rufina fed the proffered plans into a particularly esoteric looking machine, and a series of images flickered to life over the desk.
"This compound was designed by an Imperial architect wasn't it? It's quite evident, in that a lot of it is only for show. See these flying buttresses against the compound walls? Very impressive looking, but quite unnecessary. And the ribbed vaulting here and here? A touch of plasteel reinforcement in the rockcrete and you can do away with that easily. Whatsmore, the largest vehicle you are going to have going in and out of these side-doors is a power lifter, so them being 15m high will only weaken the wall, nevermind the pointed arch. And given your own allegiances, may I suggest substituting some of these icons of faith for your Lineage's coat of arms? It would go down better with the locals."
Areelu was now feeling as though a herd of grox had trampled her. The plans had been drawn up by the finest architects in her dynasty's service. To be told that so much of it was flawed by the standards of this strange world was... irritating to say the least.
"However, I would say they are sound at core. If you leave these with us for... let's say a week, we would be happy to make some adjustments and return them to you with our full approval.
Now, onto your private dwelling. We may be able to help you there. One of the old mansions that was used by holidaying Imperial Nobility in the bad old days is still standing on the south edge of the city. It's currently being used as a rest home for the elderly, but it's frankly unsuitable for the purpose, what with all those stairs and tower bedrooms.
If you would be willing to fund the construction of a new purpose built care facility elsewhere, I can give you my word that the city would be willing to sell it to you at a very favourable price. It's approximately the size you say you want in here, and has everything you could need, gardens, a lake, staff accommodation, even a private shuttle pad. It needs touching up a bit of course, and the cellar was scorched a bit during the revolution after they discovered what the holidaymakers had been doing down there, but it will still be quicker for you than building from scratch."
He pushed a button on the hololith controls, and a new series of images came up, displaying what appeared to be a quite attractive residence on the top of a small hill, surrounded by slightly overgrown parkland, with a high wall surrounding the entire property. The house was in the Palladian style, with Macraggian pillars around the portico, and had evidently once had statues along the frontage before they were pulled down with little ceremony, given that several pairs of stone feet were still in situ.
"The statues were all of Giorba's, and I must say it looks better without their inbred visages sneering from the rooftops. So, are you interested?"
Areelu, still feeling as though someone had run her down with a Chimera, and after refreshing her suddenly very dry throat with iced water, managed to gather herself enough to express at least partial approval.
"Excellent. If I may further suggest, the two properties to the immediate north-east of this one didn't fare nearly so well, and were mostly turned into rubble during the Orkish incursion after the brutes crashed a series of landing craft into them. No-one has yet placed a claim for use of the land, so might I suggest that as the site of your new trading enclave? I'm sure you'll agree that would be almost ideal."
Another touch of a button, and the pictures were replaced by an aerial map of the city, highlighting the land in question, and depicting how it was close to several major transport arteries. Areelu again gave cautious assent.
"Very good Madame. Now, although I would not normally dream of making such a bold suggestion to so an exalted personage as yourself (Areelu noted how this magnificently bare faced lie was told with a completely straight face), might I suggest that making a small contribution to help expand and improve the surrounding utilities and public services so they are not strained by the addition of your facilities, an infrastructure levy if you will, would go down very well with the Liberation Council? I understand that Lord Cain likes it when people consider how their actions may affect those around them and then take steps to mitigate any negative consequences."
Areelu just accepted her fate. She knew a state sponsored shakedown when she saw it, but her long career in trade had taught her that sometimes you just had to take what was thrown your way if you wanted to get anywhere. Besides, given what she knew of the Liberator, she had a feeling that everything this very intimidating bureaucrat was saying had at least some truth to it, and she fought back a rising blush at how well this near-complete stranger could read her.
"How very civic minded of you Madame Von Yastobaal, allow me to thank you on behalf of the city of Cainopolis. Rufina, please give the Lady Captain a data slate containing the initial documents for this project on her way out. Now, is that everything you wished to discuss today Madame? Yes? Then Rufina will look after you. Please, don't let me detain you."
And with that, he bent back over his desk, apparently engrossed in the minutiae of the proposal she had handed him less than 10 minutes ago. Areelu could scarcely believe it. She had been dismissed. She hadn't been dismissed for much longer than she cared to remember. She was the one who dismissed people!
She wanted vengeance. She wanted the respect she was due. She wanted to put this man in his place! But more than anything else, she wanted this incredibly efficient person to come and work for her and predict her every move before she had even thought to make it and to make her life this simple every day!
She stood, grabbed her staff from the stand to give her gravitas, and as she was about to offer this... this King among bureaucrats anything he could ever want, up to and including governorship of his own planet in her Dominion if only he would do for her what he did for this city, she was suddenly seemingly encircled in a tornado of chattering aides as she was ushered out of the room. She almost mewled in disappointment as tried to look back and catch one more glimpse of the living solution to all her ongoing headaches, but Rufina was swinging the door closed behind them.
"Well Madame Van Yastobaal, I'm so glad we were able to help you today! Master Hav'Loc is very intimidating isn't he, but he cares for us in his own way, and he gives great presents at Sanguinalia! Anyway, if you would care to follow me Madame, the break room is near the top of the Ziggurat, it has a wonderful view over the city, and it is just beneath Councillor Jafar's office. You know Madame, part of the reason we were so surprised to learn you would be coming to visit us is that a personage of your eminence who served the ideals of the Liberation in so many ways doesn't really have to go through normal channels. You could have just have had a word with the Liberator, and he would have passed on instructions to Councillor Jafar, who would have instructed us! Frankly, you didn't really have to come here at all today! Isn't that funny Madame?!
"...wah?..."