Okay, part three: A Royal Vacation.
The two Primarchs would head to Terra- Guilliman to try to fight the hell that was the Administratum, while Lion would guard his brother. The Emperor landed on Mars, where He was greeted by the new Fabricator-General, as the old one was… taken care of. He did His best to not roll His eyes as He had to deal with the Martian Parliament yet again, and was utterly disgusted by how much the Mechanicus had stagnated- if they had been annoying before, then they were a horror now- but finally, the meeting was adjourned. He summoned a cloak for Himself, and set about heading to the Noctis Labyrinth. It was a long trek, and as He walked, He thought about what to do next. That offer to Magnus was important… and there was also that Chapter of Astartes that the High Lords had despised- The Lamenters. He had ordered Decius to send them a message to return to Terra at once, and await further instructions in the Palace. He would reward them for everything they had done right after this.
"Emperor," the Guardian spoke. "Why are you here?"
"To speak to my friend," The Emperor replied.
"I see… good luck." She stepped aside, and The Emperor entered the chamber. As soon as He did, a massive eye, far larger then the largest Titan the Imperium deployed, appeared before Him.
"IF IT ISN'T THE ANATOLIAN… I HAD A HUNCH THAT YOU WERE MOVING AGAIN," Mag'ladroth boomed. "WHY DO YOU COME HERE?"
"I am here to offer you my thanks," The Emperor replied.
"I MEAN, YOU'RE WELCOME? YOUR THRONE BREAKING DOWN WOULD HAVE KILLED THE ENTIRE SYSTEM… SURE IT'D HAVE FREED ME BUT IT DIDN'T SEEM LIKE A GOOD WAY TO PART."
"Wait, what?"
"YOU DIDN'T KNOW? YOUR THRONE SHOULD HAVE BROKEN DOWN IN… M39? I STARTED USING MY INFLUENCE TO KEEP IT RUNNING."
"I… I was unaware, my friend," The Emperor got out. "I was here for you keeping the stasis chamber of Guilliman stable".
"IT WAS THE LEAST I COULD DO. THINK NOTHING OF IT. I FELT IT DEACTIVATE. IS HE STILL ALIVE?"
"Yes. I… I want to thank the human who made it all possible… up for a vacation?"
"DO I GET TO LEAVE THIS PLACE?"
"Are you going to start devouring Red Giants again?"
"...I'LL BE GOOD… CAN I TAKE THE MASS OFF OF SUPERGIANT STARS?"
"I'll consider it."
*****
I hadn't believed the news, even as the Custodes fell to the ground, crying tears of joy.
The Emperor? Alive!? It… it had worked?! The news was spreading like wildfire, with Father Anthony breaking into the Liberation palace to hug me until Emili had been forced to break into reality to prevent me from suffocating. Already, the news of what He had done had reached the population. While the cults were apprehensive, the populace had broken into celebration at the news that all of the High Lords, save the head of the Ecclesiarch, had been killed by His hand. To the people, this showed that The Emperor would fight against Nurgle. I had to seek counsel.
"Emili… what does your… patron think?"
"Aside from honoring The Deal?" Emili mused. Her womb had rounded somewhat, showing her- our- child. As the child was half-mortal, it had created a foothold for Emili to enter the mortal world relatively easily. She also had to be on the mortal plain for at least nine months before she could give birth. She'd spent three months total on it, ever since she discovered she could. I had not had many full nights of sleep after that.
"The… Deal?"
"He gets to be Godfather, while the Prince gets to be Godmother," Emilli mused, rubbing her stomach area. "Truly, such a thing- a child of a mortal and a daemon- hasn't happened… ever."
"I see I'm the first…" I weakly chuckled.
"The first of many, many things," Emili whispered, giving me a peck on the cheek. "As for the gods? The lord of Rot is furious. The Lord of War is excited. The Lord of Change is panicking… and the Prince is… also excited."
"Tzeench didn't plan for this?"
"No. And there is a rumor that He wants His sons back."
"The traitors?"
"Never doubt how far a Father will go for His children," Emili replied. "You should know this by now, what with our daughter- and don't give me that groxshit about keeping her around to try to keep her from going on a killing spree."
"But-"
"It's a lie, Ciaphas. You know it. I know it. She is our-" Emili paused. "He is coming."
"T-The Emperor? Here?!"
"Yes… I feel His presence approaching rapidly." Emili shivered a little. "I do not think He is here for violence… He only brought one ship… but for the Anathema… that would be enough." As she spoke, the Custodes marched in.
"Ciaphas Cain, you are required at the landing port. So is Father Anthony. Any other members of the Liberation Council are not required, but invited," the Aquilian Shield boomed.
"I- I see. I'll be there shortly," I stammered, shaking so hard my chainsword looked like it was on. A summons that must have come from Him on- well, Him formerly on Terra Himself. Trying not to lose my entire body's worth of water in sweat, I hurriedly ran out of the area, Emili watching me go.
*****
Father Anthony was by my side, almost delirious with religious rapture. I was… less enthused. Oh sure, I hoped that He would be more forgiving since I had provided the resource that had gotten Him up and running… but I was still in rebellion and consorting with the Powers of the Warp… especially with the Fourth Chaos God. Father Anthony placed a hand on my shoulder.
"Ciaphas. He knows your Faith. If He does not, I will plead your case before Him."
I stared at Father Anthony in shock. "You… you would?"
"You brought Him back. Of course I would," Father Anthony replied, tears of joy returning to his face. "You brought Him back…" he trailed off as a golden ship breached the atmosphere. The rest of the Council had arrived. Jafar was sweating profusely. General Mahlone was standing straight. Hektor was shaking as well- obviously in fear. Hektor had been at the Siege of Terra, so it was likely He would have some choice words with the Astartes. Finally, the ship landed. I wanted to kneel so very badly, but that might have given away my faith to those who may take offense to that…
Finally, the ship landed. I was prepared for a towering Man in golden armor, glowing with the power of a thousand Suns.
That wasn't what I saw.
Oh, there was a man with long dark hair. However, He was unarmored, and was of an average height. He wore a pair of sunglasses on His face. His choice of shirt was a T-shirt, with strange floral patterns adorning it. He wore a pair of shorts, and as for footwear… it was obviously a sandal of some type, but the top was only two strips of material, which converged and connected to the lower part of His footwear between His big toe and the next toe in line. On His shoulder was a dragon the size of a small dog, made entirely out of… was that Necrodermis? The dragon's eyes glowed sickly green.
"Welcome to Slawkenberg," I said, legs shaking. The Emperor looked over me, and gave a soft smile.
"Thank you, Ciaphas," He said in a soft voice. He reached out, and placed a hand on my shoulder. My legs collapsed, but I wasn't able to bow. I realize He was holding me up. There was a soft glint in His eyes, as he looked around. Jafar was sweating profusely. Malhone was shivering. Jurgen was already kneeling. Anthony was on his hands and knees, shaking as silent sobs wracked his body.
"Quick question: Is everyone okay if people kneel? I'm trying to keep that aura down low but I'm out of practice," The Emperor said… sheepishly? He rubbed the back of His head, letting out what could only be described as an awkward chuckle. Immediately, the rest of the council bowed, and I felt the psychic power holding me up dissipate, which allowed me to kneel, His hand still on my shoulder.
"Okay, that's enough. Please stand up, everyone," The Emperor requested. I shot to my feet, eager to follow His commands. He then turned back to me. "Ciaphas Cain. You have done well."
"D-done well?" I stammered.
"Do not think I am upset with your Rebellion. On the contrary- I am quite pleased."
That threw me through a loop. "P-pleased?"
"Indeed. Simply put, the previous rulers were… not fit for the position." His eyes grew cold. "There is too much corruption in the Imperium, and it will take Me time to clear it out. For now, though… I am grateful that some of the corruption is gone." He lifted His hand. "General Malhone? I must say, seeing a Khronate with such self-control is… astounding. How do you do it?"
"A harsh training regime," the general replied honestly. The Emperor facepalmed.
"It should have been fucking obvious…" He groaned, before He saw Hektor. "Hektor," He said, causing the Marine to kneel once more. "How is my Son?" He asked, looking… sad.
"You ask of the Primarch Angron, despite his betrayal?" Hektor got out.
"I was wrong to not help him," The Emperor replied. "I was wrong not to use every tool at my disposal to destroy the nails." He looked at the dragon, whose eyes glowed.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!?" the dragon roared, the sound blasting all of us back. It flew over to Hektor, landing on his shoulder. "Anatolian, I thought you SWORE that the Frenzy Cables were destroyed!" The Emperor facepalmed harder.
"OF COURSE!" He shouted. "I should have seen it!" He looked furious. "Mag'ladroth, I assure you that I had thought them gone!"
Mag'ladroth.
That name meant something. But what?
"Can you remove them without killing him?"
"Who do you think you're talking to?! Of course I can!" the dragon raged. Its eyes glowed again, and Hektor screamed in pain. With a sickening squelching sound, something was obviously being yanked out of him. "Out, out, out, OUT!" the dragon roared, before Hektor's helmet flew off, as did a bloody line of cables. The panacea injectors kicked in, and Hektor collapsed.
Teslion-Kappa stared at the cables with unbridled contempt. "I can feel the Wrongness from here," they spat. The dragon flew over, and landed on them.
"Huh… one of those cultists… tell me… do you innovate?"
"I do," Telsion-Kappa stated. "Who is asking?"
"The Omnissiah," the dragon replied.
There was a pause. "That is heresy," the tech-priest said evenly.
"Actually, he's not wrong," The Emperor admitted. That caused everyone to stop. "That's the true master of machines. Oh sure, he said it was okay for me to be the Omnissiah while he was napping and whatnot, but…" The Emperor shrugged His shoulders. "That and the fact I kicked his ass kinda gave Me that title?"
"Indeed."
"Wait wait wait… this tiny dragon is the Omnissiah?"
"This is but a small form that I am using. My true form is larger then mountains," the dragon replied.
"He isn't lying. That was a bitch and a half to fight…"
"Why is he made out of Necrodermis?" I asked.
"I invented the damn stuff," Mag'ladroth replied. "And then my fucking assholes of a species fucked up my gift."
"Species?"
"Mag'ladroth is a C'tan," The Emperor helpfully told us.
"WHAT?!" I screamed.
"What's a C'tan?" Teslion-Kappa inquired.
"The things that made the Necrons what they are. A Xeno god," I spat. Kappa went pale.
"Technically correct," Mag'ladroth replied. "Though trust me, I'm quite fond of humanity. Much more innovative. Also less blackpilled."
"Black pilled?" I asked.
"That's thirty eight thousand years old," The Emperor deadpanned.
"It still fits. Seriously, the Necrontyr- what the Necrons were before my brethren fucked them over- were total edgelords. Everything was about death, doom, and darkness, and how the Old Ones were oh so unfair to them. Blech!" The Dragon's tongue was hanging out. "I thought that the radiation had gone bad when I was forcefed their souls!"
Kappa was just staring in horror, kind of out of it.
"Forcefed their souls?"
"THAT is a history less for another time," Mag'ladroth declared. "Anatolian? I've taken enough of your time. Do you think we could find a way to remove the Nails from your Son, or since he's Warpstuff, would it not be possible?"
"Surrounding him in Pylons would work," The Emperor mused.
"Gotcha." The Ommnisiah flew over to The Emperor, and landed on His shoulder.
"Now then… Hektor? I pardon you."
"...What?" the still-recovering Astartes replied.
"You're pardoned. Moving on…"
"Just like that?"
"I'm the Motherfucking Emperor," The Emperor declared. "Father Anthony." Anthony was still on the ground.
"Oh merciful God-Emperor-"
"Stand," The Emperor ordered. Father Anthony did so. The Emperor took off His sunglasses, and two pools of gold shone on the priest. "You are worthy."
"W-worthy?"
"Worthy of your position, and so much more. Out of the countless priests and Ecclesiarchs, the only one besides you that has even a fraction of your morals is Decius. But you are much more. In this cesspit of corruption, where your position would have allowed you to access untold wealth, you turned to the people. As your compatriots buried themselves in hypocrisy and decadence, you worked the kitchens. As your fellows played with the populace and drove them to desperation, you stood as their shield. You have found favor in My eyes!" he shouted. Golden energy flowed through The Emperor, and into Father Anthony's robes. Glowing gold etches appeared on his robe. "You above all else are worthy to call upon My power!" he bellowed, wind picking up. "Whenever you are in need, call to Me, and I will answer! You are the first in line for prayers!" His hand came off of Father Anthony, who was crying. "And you ARE worthy of this," he added. "Were there more priests like you, then The Imperium would be in a much better place." He turned to Jafar. "Tell the Mollusk I'm coming for Magnus," The Emperor told him. "Also, keep up the loyalty. It works for you." He turned to Kyasteel. "Your mistress is probably the only Daemon I don't want to Unmake. That's a big compliment coming from Me," He added. "Mag'ladroth?"
"Kappa, you have found my favor. If the Mechanicus doesn't get its shit together, I'm taking you to Mars as my Prophet and Voice."
"T-thank you," They got out, still in shock.
"This is all well and good… but why are you here, My Emperor?" I inquired.
"Is it not obvious? I'm here on vacation!" The Master of Mankind exclaimed.
"What?"
"I haven't had a vacation in twenty five thousand years! Not since the Federation collapsed! I'm going to spend some time here, and relax for once! Recharge, you know? Then I'll get back to un-fucking the Imperium," He promised. "I got Guilliman on the paperwork back on Terra."
"The Primarch of the Ultramarines is awake?!" I exclaimed.
"Yep. And I woke up Lion as well. Gonna go look around for my other kiddos after this… or sooner, depending if my message gets through."
"Magnus?" I asked.
"Exactly! I want my Magnimagic back by My side! And I ain't stoppin there, oh no! I know you're all very anti-Nurgle, so how about I shove some soap up his actual asshole and reclaim Mortarian?" He asked, smiling.
"I mean… I don't think any of us would be… against that…" I got out.
"Splendid! After the vacay. The beach calls!" With that, He raced off, his weird footwear making a strange slapping sound against the pavement. His dragon followed Him as well.
"Well… that just happened," Jafar said.
*****
After things got settled down, I decided to go seek the Emperor. I found him with a golden umbrella above him, and His nose coated with a layer of sunscreen. A strange brown fruit was cut in half, a miniature umbrella sticking out of it on one side, and a straw on the other. It was set at the base of the gold umbrella. The C'tan was napping on the sand a ways away. "Whatcha need," Ciaphas?" He asked me.
"Your Counsel," I admitted.
"Is this about your Imposter Syndrome?"
"My what?" I asked.
"Your 'oh I'm totally a fraud' mentality," The Emperor clarified. "It's bull- sorry, grox-shit, by the way. Even if you Accidentiallied yourself here, you're doing a terrific job! I love the way you got the cults to work together!"
"I… Thank you…" I got out, trying not to panic that The Emperor saw me for what I was.
"Yeah, honestly? Keep doing what you're doing. You're really making a bigger difference than you think! You see, your way of handling the cults and sacrifices is spreading! The Inquisition didn't manage to \cover your teachings, so there are a lot of curious people. Normally I'd be upset with the massive upswing of Chaos cults, but, well… they're doing something I should've done- they're poisoning the gods."
"P-poisoning?" I asked.
"Oh yeah. They feed off of emotions and prayers. When I started the Great Crusade, I had this big anti-theist thing going on- I called it the 'Imperial Truth'. I said there weren't any gods. Didn't allow religion. One of my Sons, Lorgar, didn't agree so much, and created the Divinitatus, and worshiped Me. I overreacted, and destroyed a city he made, and made him and his Legion kneel in the ashes while I chewed him out."
"You… didn't want to be worshiped?"
"Oh WARP no!" The Emperor proclaimed. "You see, I thought that if there wasn't any religion, the Chaos gods would starve. But since the Eldar created Slaanesh, basic emotions fed them- something I didn't realize until too late. But had I seen this place on the Crusade, I likely would have reconsidered." He paused. "Or, more likely, Malcador would've smacked Me in the nuts and told me to get My head out of My ass and try this thing. My overreaction pushed Lorgar into Chaos worship, and bing bang bong, Horus falls and everything goes to hell, and Lorgar's religion ends up replacing the Imperial Truth. Man, did that mistake bite Me in the ass."
"So… you're not a God?" I couldn't even believe the words coming out of my mouth.
"I mean, not like the Chaos ones, thank goodness. Were I like them… I'd probably be a chaos god of Order… and I do not like that idea. No, I'm more of a… God-construct? More like the Eldar gods, before Slaanesh. I could be considered a god, or just a Warp entity that keeps a species safe, though I'm still human." He shrugged. "Not entirely sure what ten thousand years of being force-fed souls and prayers has done entirely."
"What of the Living Saints?"
"Basically my Daemon Princes, were I a full chaos god- just using that for reference, don't worry," He promised me. "Anyways, back to what I was saying about poisoning the gods- you're changing them. Khrone is less of a blood knight, and has been more… hungry for justice. Tzeench isn't scheming for scheming's sake as much… His plans are actually beneficial to more than just him these days. And Slaanesh? Hoo boy… you wife's Ascension basically forced a total change. Oh sure, there's all the bad stuff, but now True Love is mixed in there as well. Trust me, that's a BIG upswing. She's less focused on the lust and pleasure of the flesh, and more focused on the pleasure of the psyche."
"So… they're… less evil?"
"By a significant amount," The Emperor stated. "Also, thanks for ganking Karamazov. That fuckface pissed me off to high heavens. There's a reason I threw him to your wife." His face morphed into a snarl. "Were I able to, I'd have killed him with my bare hands!" He snarled. He took a few deep breaths. "That and Chekhov."
"So… you don't like the Inquisition?"
"Not the ones like him, no. Miss Vail? She's got potential," The Emperor mused. "Might have to track her down and say thanks."
"I don't think she'd handle it well."
"True, true… I'd have to take some panacea with me so that any heart attacks or aneurysms aren't life-threatening… but that's for later. For now, I'm gonna just act like a tourist. No worries about powering the Astronomicon… no worries about running the Imperium… just me, the sun, and the sand… hey, wanna build a sand castle with Me?"