It was quite funny how he could yearn for someone to take notice of him, to realize that he was there and yet as soon as someone did, he wished they wouldn't.

Ungrateful . That's what he was, wasn't he?

Ungrateful for not appreciating he was given. Ungrateful for not caring that someone else would need this more than he did. Ungrateful for being willing, should he have the chance, to throw this opportunity away.

The snow was heavier now, the snowflakes bigger than they were minutes ago, when they'd all been out there amidst the wintery dust. Percy watched them fall. It was easier to do that then to meet the gazes of his brothers.

He imagined himself as a snowflake; falling, falling, falling down to the ground.

A mess of limbs, cracked bones, the pure white snow stained by his blood.

The last few blinks of life, the world fading until he was just gone .

"Percy."

He flinched, head snapping over in the direction of Bill. " What ?" He couldn't help but be defensive, as if his brother had somehow known what he was thinking.

They were back in his bedroom, Percy's that is. No one really knew what to do with themselves. Sitting on the floor, feet tucking and stretching out again, breathing in and out for the umpteenth time.

Though, the repetitive breathing was Percy's doing. His brothers, namely Charlie, were the ones who couldn't sit still for more than a few seconds. Percy needed to reassure himself that he could breathe. The way his throat had seized up on him earlier was frightening; the panic had taken little time to set in, the realization that he couldn't breathe.

He didn't want to go through it again.

It was too much to ask that he be allowed to simply go to bed. He had a hunch that they didn't want to let him out of their sight, so they followed him, anticipating on a conversation to come. It was the last thing he wanted to do.

The whole situation had gotten out of hand. Regret settling in. Why, why had he agreed? The secrets he'd held onto so tightly would begin to unravel, the control he once had would slip away. Everything would spiral until it was unrecognizable.

"Are you okay?"

The question brought him back to the present. The silence in the room, the stares from his brothers that conveyed their helplessness. How long had he sat there, staring off at nothing?

"I'm fine," he said stiffly.

Charlie was frowning, working through something in his own mind. "Why are you doing this?"

"What?" Percy repeated, startled.

"You said you'd talk," Charlie said, frustrated. "And you're not."

Bill nudged him harshly, but that didn't stop him from continuing.

"Is this some game or what-"

" No !"

"Then tell us what's wrong!"

"Calm down," Bill warned him.

"I'm not going to calm down! He tried to kill himself and what, we're supposed to be calm about it?"

"You're not helping," Bill was getting angry now. "We won't get him to talk if you can't keep a hold on your temper."

Charlie exhaled forcefully, fed up and buried his face in his hands. "You're right. I'm sorry."

Percy, who had gone quiet after his outburst, lowered his eyes when Charlie looked up to meet them.

"I'm sorry," Charlie repeated.

"We know it's not a game," Bill said with emphasis on the last word.

Percy nodded, though he wasn't so sure he believed him.

"We're just shocked, Percy," Bill rubbed at his temples. "We never expected that."

I never expected to be alive at this point either

"We didn't know you were that unhappy."

They didn't know a lot about him, but Percy wouldn't point that out right now.

"But now we do," Charlie chimed in, "and you can tell us anything, Perce."

It was a nice sentiment, but not entirely accurate. He couldn't understand why people said that. They might have meant it on some level until the truth became too raw for them to handle. How soon would that be for his brothers? How much could they tolerate to hear of his plight before it was too much, sending them in the other direction?

He shook his head. Part of him knew they would have been disturbed by the thoughts that crossed his mind on a daily basis. Maybe if he heavily filtered himself, choosing only the ones he could say in front of other people without inducing any shame.

Which was virtually none.

"That's nice to hear," Percy said politely, choosing to say this instead of what he'd rather say instead. "I appreciate that, Charlie."

"But you don't believe it," Charlie's small, encouraging smile faded.

"You'll have to understand my hesitation-"

"Why?" Charlie cut him off. "We're here. We want to help. Let us help."

After years of being on his own to deal with things? "It isn't that easy," Percy muttered.

In theory, maybe it should be. In a hypothetical situation, he would divulge everything he'd ever hidden from them, exposing the deepest parts of himself. His brothers might miraculously understand, knowing the right words to say without needing to think about it.

Nothing would be hard. Nothing would hurt.

"I don't know what you want to hear from me."

"Anything," Charlie said quickly.

Bill glanced, then back at Percy. His expression was calculated, never wavering. "Oliver told us what Fred and George did to you."

Percy shut his eyes. Like cold water that was doused on him, the memories of that night came back.

"He said they charmed your clothes off."

"Actually it was a spell that made my clothes invisible to everyone but myself," Percy's voice came out surprisingly steady, given the topic at hand. "They weren't aiming for me. I just so happened to get caught in the middle of it."

It'd stopped hurting as much now. The pain dulled over time, making it bearable to live with.

"That doesn't make it okay!" Charlie threw his hands in the air.

"I didn't say it did."

"You're acting like it," Charlie argued. "You sound like you don't even care!"

"I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't twist my words-"

"I'm not twisting anything!" Charlie denied.

"How many times do I have to tell you both to knock it off?" Bill said rhetorically. He sighed, looking very much like he would have throttled them both right then and there. "You two haven't fought like this in years."

Silence fell overhead.

Exhaustion crept up. Percy rubbed his eyes, stifling a yawn. He would have gladly excused himself to hop into bed to avoid this going any further.

"We're not going to tell you what we want to hear," Bill said. "We just want you to talk to us about what's been going on with you."

"What does Wood know?" Charlie asked.

"Not a whole lot," Percy admitted. Wood stopped pressuring him to speak on the matter, probably hoping that Percy would come to him in time.

"What does that mean?" Charlie said, eyebrows furrowing.

It means I've been a coward

"He knows as much as I'll let him."

His brothers exchanged looks. Bill licked his lips, contemplating on his next move.

"Percy," he started off with some hesitation, "why did you want to jump?"

No more darkness. No more struggling. No more hurting. No more pain. No more wondering. No more wishing. No more what ifs. No more. No more of anything.

"You said you didn't know what else to do," Charlie jumped in to add.

"Right..." Percy was getting dizzy just by remembering. "Well, it seemed like the correct choice at the time."

It'd felt like the only option he had left.

"But it wasn't," Charlie protested. "You had other options."

Like what? Percy stared, wondering if his brother believed that or if he was merely saying so in the hope that Percy himself would take his word for it.

"Was it the first time?" Bill said quietly.

Was it the first time you tried to kill yourself?

"The first time I've tried , yes..." He muttered.

"What's that supposed to mean?" They said simultaneously. Charlie, for one, looked horrified.

He grew flustered under their stares. "Err, well. What I meant was...I've thought about it, of course."

"Before it happened?" Bill clarified.

Don't tell him

His mind reverted back to all those sleepless nights at the burrow when he sat in the darkness of his room, the times he remained in the shadows, watching his siblings run along together, without him, hearing their happy shrieks of laughter.

He recalled every single moment when it came to him.

His brothers, they wouldn't have been able to comprehend it. It would have been inconceivable to them; for him to think those things , to wonder if that was a reality he wanted for himself, and to simply go on living.

Or perhaps, perhaps he hadn't been truly living. Maybe he'd fooled himself into believing that he was.

Maybe he was just surviving, getting through each day as needed until it was time to go through another.

"Yes," he answered, his voice not sounding like his own, "much before."

His confession shocked his brothers to their core. Charlie was having difficulty understanding. "What do you mean?" He sounded very much like he didn't want to know. "Months?"

"Not quite," Percy said softly. "Years, actually."

He was honest. Part of him was surprised at how honest he'd been.

This piece of information proved to be too much for Charlie; he had to get up from his spot on the floor, pacing around the room a couple of times before stopping, leaning his forehead against the wall.

Bill hadn't said anything either. Not yet, at least. "Years?" he repeated faintly.

They didn't want you to be honest

They wanted you to say what they wanted to hear

A nice, sensible answer

Now look what you've done

"You wanted me to be honest," Percy said without looking at either of them. The panic was settling in again, making him second guess himself if his breathing was normal or not. "You told me -"

"We know," Bill cut him off, heaving a sigh. "We're not mad at you, Perce."

Charlie whirled around, his breathing abnormal now. If the moonlight would have landed on him, they would have seen his misty eyes. He and Percy made eye contact, though neither spoke."Years? You thought about this for years ?"

He cleared his throat. "Yes..."

"How long?" Charlie's voice was sharper.

"What?" Percy said, caught off guard. "I've just told you-"

" How. Long? "

"I don't know," Percy's chest was feeling constricted now. He breathed slowly, telling himself that he was okay, that he would be okay. "Second...third year? I don't know!"

"Okay," Bill interjected. "That's okay. Don't work yourself up. We don't need to know the exact details."

Percy couldn't look at Charlie right now. He had a hunch that he didn't agree with that.

"And you didn't tell anyone?" Charlie said after a moment of silence.

"I couldn't."

What was I supposed to say?

Who was I supposed to tell?

Mum? Dad?

You two?

"Why-" Charlie started to say.

"What would you have done?" Percy cut him off, daring himself to look into his older brother's eyes. "What would you have done if I told you?"

It was a fair question. Bill's gaze flickered to Charlie, waiting to hear what he had to say.

Briefly, Charlie froze. He touched his temples with his fingertips, mind likely on overdrive. "I don't know," he admitted begrudgingly, "but I would have done something. I wouldn't have let you handle this on your own!"

"I don't think there's anything you could have done," Percy said earnestly.

He was not being argumentative. He was not saying it just so his brother would proclaim otherwise in his attempt to be reassuring.

He meant it.

Even if he let someone know about these thoughts years ago, what could they possibly have done for him? Just thinking about his parents finding out made him tense. He doubted that they would understand, or try to the fullest extent. And somehow, his mum knowing would be worse. His dad, Percy could see tiptoeing around the subject, acting awkwardly for the first few days after. But his mum?

She would probe and question him, somehow making it about herself and her parenting, under the impression that this was insinuating she was a bad mother.

He just didn't know if he could deal with that.

This only upset Charlie further. "You don't know that."

Bill motioned to him, to Charlie that is, to stop. "We're going in circles," he said. To the naked eye, he was unfazed, sliding into the role of mediator easily. But to Percy, he saw a crack in the tough exterior; he was just as alarmed by what he was hearing. He just knew how to hide it better than Charlie did. "Look, we know that Wood knows something. Was that it? Did he know that you almost-" He cleared his throat, almost not willing to say the word, "jumped?"

"He does," Percy braced himself for what he was about to say. "He stopped me from jumping."

Time had passed since that night. He was not necessarily grateful towards Wood for what he did. He didn't really know how he felt about it. Should he feel some gratitude for having a second chance?

"Merlin," Charlie groaned. "Would have been nice if he mentioned that little detail."

"He told us he wouldn't," Bill reminded Charlie, "he said it wasn't his place to say anything."

Percy caught onto that last part. It surprised him. Wood said that? He would have assumed his dormmate would have divulged everything to them without hesitation, all under the guise of wanting to help him.

"I know that!" Charlie exclaimed. Bill shushed him for being so loud. "But there's some stuff you don't keep a secret."

"I know that," Bill retorted, voice much quieter. "But he obviously didn't want to break Percy's trust."

Except it's too late

He already told you about what Fred and George did

He clearly cannot keep his promises

But he hadn't told them everything.

He never told them about the jump.

He'd given Percy the chance to do that. Percy wasn't so sure how he felt about it. Some part of him was glad they didn't hear it from Wood, another part of him was confused, having expected otherwise.

Bill then addressed Percy, oblivious to his inner turmoil. "You never did answer Charlie's question," he said carefully. Percy gawked at him, so he elaborated. "Fred and George...did they drive you to do that?"

He'd started off at normal volume, only to end in a whisper.

Charlie was listening intently.

Percy didn't respond right away. He felt like he'd said too much already.

"It wasn't just them," he eventually said after much deliberation.

"Well, what was it?" Charlie jumped in to ask, eager for any and all answers.

"Everything," he said lamely.

It was easier to say that instead of explaining the complicated truth.

Would they even understand it if he tried?

"I'd like to be done here," he said before they could ask any questions about what he meant.

" No ," Charlie shook his head. "We're not done here, Percy. Not until we fix this."

He wasn't listening.

He wanted Percy to spill his innermost secrets, and yet, he didn't seem to want to properly listen.

This was exactly what he didn't want. Wood couldn't quite grasp why he stayed quiet, well this was partly why.

What was the use of speaking if no one was listening?

"You can't fix this!" Percy said angrily. His temper was ignited and went from zero to one-hundred quicker than it had in a while. "What are you not grasping?"

"Now you don't want our help?" Charlie snapped.

Percy couldn't really tell what he wanted anymore. Other than a desire to slip under the covers and go to bed.

"You're not listening," he said tiredly.

"Yes, I am!" Charlie insisted. "I'm listening. Talk to me, Perce."

"No, you're not ." They'd already had this conversation; the problem was deeper than either of them knew. It wasn't about being "fixed." He wasn't looking to be fixed.

It just...it burned him inside to feel like a project for them to take over and reconfigure.

But could he tell them that?

Could he tell them that without them being disappointed in him? Without them assuming he was being difficult on purpose?

"You're-" Percy had a whole tirade ahead of him, but then the fire inside fizzled out just as quickly as it'd been set ablaze. He sighed. "Never mind."

"What? No, tell us. What were you going to say?"

Percy shook his head.

Charlie's head swiveled over to Bill, as if expecting him to force Percy into talking.

Instead of doing just that, Bill chose the diplomatic approach. "We can be done in a few minutes. Just tell us how to help you. You need help and not just from Wood. But I don't want to force anything on you unless I- we have to. So tell us what to do, Percy."

What did Bill expect him to say? Percy looked at him quizzically. It brought him back to the conversations with Wood, with his dormmate trying to coax any and all information out of him that he could.

Bill seemed to sense that they weren't on the same page. He clarified, "Tell us what we can do around here. I know talking to Mum and Dad didn't help-"

Charlie snorted, but didn't say anything else.

"-but there's got to be something we do around here before we leave," Bill continued.

"And don't tell us you don't know," Charlie added, "because that's a bunch of dragon dung. There's got to be something."

Percy was feeling called out because that's what he would have said. It would have been easier to get out of this conversation with Wood than his brothers. Wood, he'd have a better chance of shutting him out, eventually leading his dormmate to leave him alone. His brothers wouldn't allow that.

"If you think you can control Fred and George then be my guest," Percy muttered.

Charlie, for the first time during this conversation, looked determined. "We'll take care of them."

Percy was doubtful that was going to happen anytime soon, but he didn't voice his opinion. Keeping them out of the family quidditch game was one thing, it was a whole other to think they could have those two controlled.

"We'll try to," Bill assured him. Percy said nothing in regards to this. He didn't have his hopes up. His eldest brother murmured lemos , his wand lighting up, giving him enough light to look down at his wrist watch. "It's late," he noted. "We should be heading to bed. Mum'll want us up early."

Charlie groaned at this.

"Go on," Bill lightly shoved his arm. He stood up, groaning as well when his knees popped.

"Old bastard," Charlie teased. A sliver of playfulness in the tense atmosphere.

"Just you wait," Bill said. "You'll get there."

Percy, now on his feet as well, flipped open his blanket on his bed, preparing to get into it. He got the distinct impression his brothers, more so Charlie, wanted to reach out and pull him into a hug, given the way they were looking at him, like they were seeing him in a new light. They refrained, much to his relief.

"Night, Percy," Charlie said kindly, as though nothing had escalated in here mere minutes ago.

"Goodnight," Bill said to him.

They left before he could say anything in return.

That night, Percy laid in bed, his hands laying on his chest, eyes staring up at nothing in particular. He kept replaying the conversation, kept remembering the anger Charlie exhibited, the horror both he and Bill wore on their faces.

What was going to happen now?

Out in the hallway, Bill and Charlie stood there, not knowing what to do with themselves after hearing Percy's confession. It was the last thing they ever expected when they told Mum they would be coming home for the holidays.

They walked back downstairs in silence, sitting down on the couch, letting out a long breath.

"What are we supposed to do now?" Charlie glanced at Bill.

"I don't know," Bill buried his head in his hands.

"We have to do something."

" I know , Charlie. But I'm not sure there's a whole lot we can do."

Charlie slumped. "Suppose you're right..."

Bill sat there, thinking things over. "I never knew he felt that way."

"Me either," Charlie drummed his fingers on the arm of the couch. Bill pulled his head away from his hands, his expressional reflecting how lost and helpless he couldn't help but feel. "How did we miss this? He almost killed himself and we never-" He couldn't finish.

"We'll do better," Charlie said firmly.

Bill nodded. "We have to."

Silence permeated the air for a few seconds.

"Find me some parchment," Bill said suddenly.

"What? Why?" Charlie said.

"I've got a letter to write."