A/N: Pardon my laziness. This is the first author's note in this story. I do not own anything to do with iCarly as my name is not that of an allegedly terrible person. I hope you enjoy this chapter.
Reina sat on the couch, the lavender-scented air doing little to calm her nerves. She fidgeted with the charm bracelet on her wrist, her fingers tracing each delicate charm as though searching for reassurance.
"Good morning, Reina," Dr. Sayre greeted warmly, her notepad balanced on her lap. "It feels like forever since our last session. How are you today?"
"I've been… okay," Reina said, her voice wavering. She glanced down at her bracelet, avoiding Dr. Sayre's gaze. "Things have been… interesting, to say the least."
Dr. Sayre tilted her head slightly, setting her pen aside. "What do you mean by 'interesting'?"
Reina hesitated, twisting her bracelet until it pinched her skin. "I've reconnected with someone from my past." Her words felt heavy, careful, as if they might shatter in the air.
Dr. Sayre leaned forward slightly. "Reconnected how?"
"It's Carly. Carly Shay," Reina said after a long pause, her voice almost a whisper.
Dr. Sayre's eyebrows lifted slightly, recognition flickering across her face. "Carly Shay—you've mentioned her before. She was important to you, wasn't she?"
Reina nodded, her lips pressing together in a faint, bittersweet smile. "Yeah. She was my first crush. Back then, I didn't understand what I was feeling—I just wanted her attention." She swallowed hard. "But I went about it in the worst way possible."
Dr. Sayre waited a moment before responding, her voice steady. "Yes, we've talked about this before. And now you've reconnected with her?"
"Yeah," Reina said, her fingers still fidgeting with her bracelet. "She doesn't know… everything yet. She knows I'm trans, but she doesn't know who I used to be. And I'm terrified—like, wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night, can't-breathe terrified—of what'll happen when she finds out. I don't just like her, Gwen. I… I love her, and the thought of her looking at me with anything but kindness? It's unbearable."
Dr. Sayre leaned forward, her tone gentle. "What do you think Carly would say if she were sitting here right now, hearing all this?"
Reina's breath hitched. "She'd say…" Her voice cracked, and tears welled up in her eyes. "She'd say, 'You monster. How could you lie to me? How could you make me believe you were someone I could actually love?'" The words tumbled out in a rush, her deepest fears laid bare.
Dr. Sayre handed her a tissue, waiting for Reina to collect herself before speaking. "That sounds like a very painful thought to carry. But let me ask you this—how much of that do you think is Carly's voice, and how much of it is your own?"
Reina blinked, startled by the question. She dabbed at her tears with a tissue, her fingers trembling. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, is that really what you think Carly would say, or is it what you fear the most? Sometimes, our minds create the worst possible scenario and convince us it's inevitable. But I wonder… does that sound like the Carly you've described to me all these years?"
Reina hesitated, her thoughts swirling. "No… no, that might have been the Carly from when we were younger, but deep down, I know that's not who she really is—not anymore." She exhaled shakily, her grip tightening on the tissue in her hand. "Carly's kind. She's forgiving. But…" Her voice cracked, and she looked away, a tremor in her tone. "What if this is the thing she can't forgive? What if seeing me brings back all those memories of how I hurt her?"
Gwen nodded thoughtfully. "It's natural to be afraid of rejection, especially from someone you care about. But from everything you've told me about Carly, she values honesty and connection. If you give her the truth, even if it's hard, you're giving her the chance to see the person you've become—the person who wants to make things right."
Reina stared at the floor, her fingers nervously brushing the charm bracelet on her wrist. "What if… what if it's not enough? What if she can't separate me from the past?"
Gwen's voice remained calm, steady. "That's always a possibility, Reina. I won't sugarcoat that. But what's more important is this: can you truly build a relationship with her—friendship or otherwise—while hiding this part of yourself? Or would the weight of that secret eventually pull you apart?"
Reina let out a shaky breath, her shoulders sagging under the weight of her uncertainty. "I don't know," she whispered. "I just don't know."
Gwen leaned forward slightly, her tone softer now. "And that's okay. You don't have to have all the answers right now. You've already taken a big step by reconnecting with Carly. This is about taking things one step at a time, at your own pace. When you're ready to tell her, you'll know."
Reina nodded slowly, a faint glimmer of resolve flickering behind her teary eyes. "I hope you're right, Dr. Sayre. I really hope you're right."
Gwen smiled warmly. "You're stronger than you give yourself credit for, Reina. And remember, you're not alone in this. You have people who care about you—and that includes Carly, even if it doesn't feel like it right now."
Reina brightened, her thoughts immediately turning to one person in particular. "You're right! Do you remember me telling you about someone I used to talk to a lot on Discord? Her username was CyberBloom, but I always knew her as Ria."
Gwen smiled warmly, leaning back in her chair. "I do remember Ria. She was one of your biggest supporters during your early transition, wasn't she?"
Reina nodded, her eyes lighting up as she recalled those moments. "Yeah, she was incredible. We'd stay up late talking—sometimes typing, sometimes on video calls—just sharing everything. It was like we could tell each other anything. When things got hard, she'd always know exactly what to say to help me feel less alone."
Gwen watched her fond smile, letting the warmth of the memory fill the room. "That sounds like such an important connection for you."
"It really was," Reina said softly, her voice full of gratitude. Then she brightened further, sitting up straighter. "And get this—as fate would have it, she goes to my school now! We ran into each other at the GSA meetings I just started going to."
Gwen's eyebrows lifted in pleasant surprise. "That's wonderful, Reina. How did it feel to see her again?"
Reina chuckled, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "Honestly, it was surreal. We hadn't seen each other in person before, so I didn't even recognize her at first. But the moment we started talking, it was like no time had passed. She's still Ria—kind, supportive, and just... there for me."
"That's wonderful, Reina," Gwen said warmly, a smile touching her lips. "Do you have any plans to see her again soon?"
"Actually… yes," Reina replied after a brief hesitation, fidgeting slightly with her charm bracelet.
"That's fabulous," Gwen said, her smile remaining but her tone shifting to something more serious. "Why did you hesitate?"
Reina glanced down at the bracelet, twisting it between her fingers as she spoke. "Because… later today… Maria and I are hanging out, yes, but it's a triple… date… I guess you could say. Carly and I, Freddie and Maria, and Sam is introducing us all to her girlfriend Shelby."
She paused, taking in a shaky breath before continuing. "Not only do I feel like I don't deserve any of the time I get with Carly, but… I only know one Shelby in Carly and Sam's orbit." Reina's voice wavered, and she looked down at the floor, her guilt evident. "She was one of the people I hurt, along with Carly, Sam, and Freddie. And in Carly's case…" Reina swallowed hard. "This was literal."
"Reina, you don't seem like the type to cause anyone physical harm, even if you and Carly did have your issues at the time."
Reina struggled to speak as she tried to hold back more tears. "I… used Shelby to seriously hurt Carly. If it weren't for Carly's quick thinking, she could have been seriously injured. I…I don't know how I would live with myself if that happened." Reina trembled at the thought.
Gwen waited for Reina to calm down, offering her a tissue. Once Reina's breathing steadied, Gwen leaned forward, her tone calm but firm. "Reina, it's clear you feel deeply about what happened, and that's a sign of growth. But I want to remind you of something: while it's important to confront the past, it's equally important to be thoughtful about how and when you do it."
Reina nodded slowly, still fidgeting with her charm bracelet.
"If this Shelby turns out to be the same person," Gwen continued, "then yes, it will be an opportunity for accountability. But you need to approach that moment when you're ready and in a safe, private setting—not in the middle of a group outing. For now, focus on being present and enjoying the time with your friends. That doesn't mean avoiding responsibility—it means giving yourself the space to handle it the right way."
Reina sniffled, her voice shaky. "I just don't know how to face her—or Carly—when I've done so much damage."
"That's what we're working on," Gwen said gently. "You've already taken steps toward reconciliation with Carly, even if she doesn't know the full truth yet. You'll have to decide when and how to address Shelby if she is the same person, but you've already shown you're willing to do the hard work. Trust that part of yourself." Gwen paused, her pen gliding over the notepad as she jotted down her thoughts. She looked up, her expression thoughtful yet warm. "Reina, we've covered a lot today, but before we wrap up, I'd like to assign you something that might help organize your thoughts."
Reina tilted her head, curious. "What kind of assignment?"
"I'd like you to write two letters," Gwen explained, folding her hands neatly in her lap. "One to Carly and one to Shelby. In these letters, I want you to be completely honest about your thoughts and feelings—what you wish you could say to them without fear of judgment. Don't hold back."
Reina's brow furrowed, and she fidgeted with her charm bracelet, considering the request. "You mean like… a confession? But just on paper?"
"Exactly," Gwen confirmed. "Think of it as a way to give your feelings a voice, even if no one else ever sees it. Sometimes, putting it down in words can help you clarify what you truly want to say—and what you need to hear from yourself."
Reina hesitated, her gaze dropping to her hands. "And these letters… they won't actually go to them, right? I don't think I'm ready for that."
Gwen smiled reassuringly. "No, they're for your eyes only unless you decide otherwise. This is about giving yourself permission to be vulnerable, to acknowledge the weight of what you're carrying."
Reina leaned back in her chair, the faint tension in her shoulders easing. "Alright. Two letters. I can do that."
As the session wound to a close, Reina felt a glimmer of relief amidst the storm of uncertainty. She wasn't sure what the letters would say yet, but the thought of finally putting her feelings into words felt like a step forward—a small piece of control in a situation that often felt overwhelming.
After settling the copay, Reina stepped out into the crisp afternoon air, the weight of the session lingering like an invisible companion. As she walked to her mother's car, she found herself repeating Gwen's words—trust takes time. Her fingers brushed the charm bracelet on her wrist, grounding herself as the world outside felt a little too big for her emotions.
"How did your session go today, sweetie?" Linda asked, glancing over as she pulled away from the office.
Reina hesitated for a moment, her fingers brushing against the charm bracelet on her wrist. "Oh, it went great, Moth—I mean… Mom," she corrected herself, a faint smile tugging at her lips.
Linda raised an eyebrow, her expression softening as she noticed Reina's effort to drop the formality. "Dr. Sayre helping you unpack everything?"
"Yeah," Reina admitted, her voice quieter now. "She's… she's really helping me come to terms with the…" She trailed off, searching for the right words.
"The past?" Linda offered gently, her tone free of judgment.
Reina nodded, her gaze fixed on the road ahead. "Yeah. The past."
Linda reached over briefly to squeeze Reina's hand, a silent reassurance that she didn't have to face it alone.
Reina hugged her mother tightly before heading upstairs to her room. She opened her laptop, the words of her therapist still echoing in her mind. I just need time—time to figure out how to tell Carly everything without losing her She exhaled shakily, wishing she could call Carly now but knowing they both needed space. Soon. Reina imagined starting Carly's letter, the words hovering just out of reach: "I'm sorry for everything I've done…" But what came next felt like an impossible puzzle. Reina put on her headset and launched Gorgon Naturally Talking, the familiar startup chime grounding her for a brief moment. "Open new document," she commanded softly, watching as the blank page materialized on her screen.
She took a deep breath, her voice trembling slightly as she began. "Dear Carly, comma... I don't know how to begin this letter period."
The words felt heavy, almost like they were fighting her as they appeared on the screen. Reina stared at the blinking cursor, her heart racing.
"Go to sleep," she whispered, cutting off Gorgon Naturally Talking's listening mode.
Leaning back in her chair, she pulled off the headset, letting it dangle from her fingers. The charm bracelet on her wrist jingled faintly as she rubbed her temples. Writing this letter had seemed manageable when Gwen suggested it—an opportunity to unburden herself—but now, the pressure of finding the right words felt unbearable.
Her gaze drifted back to the empty screen. What could she possibly say to Carly? Every draft that came to mind either felt like an excuse, a justification, or a plea for forgiveness she didn't deserve.
Reina adjusted the headset again, her fingers brushing the edge of her desk as she took a steadying breath.
"Wake up," she said softly, hearing the familiar chime as the program activated.
"Dear Carly, comma... There's so much I want to say, but I don't know how to say it period."
Her words hung in the air, and she hesitated. "Scratch that line," she commanded, watching it disappear from the screen.
The blank page stared back at her, unyielding. Reina closed her eyes for a moment, the charm bracelet on her wrist jingling softly as she fidgeted with it.
"Mic off," she muttered, silencing the program entirely.
She leaned back in her chair, letting the quiet fill the room. One step at a time, she reminded herself, but the words felt heavier now.
After a pause, she sat forward again manually activating the listening mode.
"Dear Carly, comma... I've made a lot of mistakes, period. And I don't know if you can ever forgive me, period."
Her voice wavered, and she stopped speaking, letting the headset rest silently. "Go to sleep," she murmured, leaning her forehead against her hands.
Reina exhaled deeply. The words were starting to come, but they still felt so far away. Hmmm… I wonder what it would be like if I had her here in front of me, Reina thought, her heart aching as she opened a picture of Carly on her monitor. The sight of Carly's warm smile brought a bittersweet pang to her chest.
"Wake up," she instructed Gorgon, her voice trembling slightly as she adjusted her headset. Fixing her gaze on the photo, she began to speak.
"Carly… comma, there is nothing I can say to make any of this right… period. It has been wonderful getting to know you again over these past few months… comma, but I can't keep pretending we don't have a past… period. I can't keep pretending I never hurt you… period.
"I truly do care about you… comma, and you could say that I love you… comma, but I know in the long run that I may have to let you go… period. You may never wish to see or talk to me again after finding out who I was… period.
"Thanks to you… comma, my greatest treasure in life will always be these memories we have built together… period, new line.
"Farewell and be happy… comma, love, new line, Reina Elizabeth Papperman."
As the last words left her lips, Reina felt tears spill freely down her cheeks. The weight of the letter pressed heavily on her chest, like an anchor tethering her to the past.
She stared at the words on the screen, the thought of actually sending them filling her with dread. "Mic off," she murmured hoarsely, silencing the program.
Her hands trembled as she reached up to wipe her tears, but it felt futile. The thought of losing her... it kills me. But what if sending this means I've already lost her? Reina's gaze dropped to the unfinished letter. It's just a therapy assignment for now. I can't let it consume me. She turned to her neglected homework, her mind drifting to Carly. I wonder if she's doing the same thing right now. Her dedication to school—it's so wonderfully admirable.
Carly sat at the computer in the living room, where she could call on her dad or Spencer for help if needed. Without the distraction of Reina, she found it easier to focus on her assignment.
Steven watched her from across the room, his expression shifting from pride to concern. "Hey, Snugbug, you know it's Saturday, right? You don't have to bury yourself in homework."
Carly looked up, incredulous. "Dad, what do you mean? I thought you, of all people, would want me to focus."
"Normally, you'd be right," Steven said, crossing the room to sit nearby. "But you've never gotten a bad grade. Do you really think that's going to change now?"
"I don't know." Carly's voice faltered, and she glanced down at her notebook. ""Reina makes me feel... different. I like her so much, but it's frustrating not knowing what's going on in her head." Her voice dropped to a whisper.
Steven leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "Snugbug, do you think you need to go full throttle on a Saturday?"
Carly blinked, her finger hovering over a key mid-sentence. "What are you talking about, Dad? You've always said to put effort into everything I do."
Steven smiled gently. "And you do, Carly. That's never been the problem. But you worked hard last night. You've been working hard since you got back from Italy. I just think you deserve a break every now and then."
Carly tilted her head, unsure. "But I don't want to slip. I mean, Reina's doing so much to fit in, and I want to show her that I'm not just... coasting. I need to keep pushing myself."
Steven shook his head slightly, his tone soft but firm. "Carly, you've been pushing yourself ever since you got home. You don't need to prove anything to anyone—not to Reina, not to me, and certainly not to yourself."
Carly finally took her hands off the keyboard, a faint smile tugging at her lips. "Maybe you're right. Just this once."
Steven chuckled, reaching over to ruffle her hair. "Just this once, huh? I'll take it. But seriously, Carly, take today to breathe. When you let yourself relax, you'll have more energy for everything—and everyone—that matters to you."
"Sir, yes, Sir!" Carly replied with a playful salute.
"And when Reina comes back later, take some time to enjoy just being together, okay?" Steven requested all the while spencer was tinkering with a part of his new sculpture, not saying a word to anyone.
"Okay, Dad, could you please just check this for me?" Carly asked. Steven nodded as he scrolled through the computer screen, comparing Carly's work to the textbook. "Looks good to me, Snugbug," he said with a grin, tapping the top of the monitor. "You've got this down."
Carly exhaled a breath of relief and leaned back in her chair. "Thanks, Dad. I just… I don't know. I feel like I'm second-guessing everything lately."
Steven crossed his arms, his expression softening. "What's got you so rattled? Is it Reina?"
Carly hesitated, her fingers hovering over the keyboard. "It's not just Reina. It's… everything. Coming back from Italy, trying to adjust to school again, and yeah, Reina's a part of it. I feel like I'm trying so hard to keep everything perfect, but I'm not sure I even know what perfect is anymore."
Steven pulled up a chair and sat down next to her. "Carly, you've always been someone who puts her whole heart into everything she does. That's a good thing. But you've also got to give yourself a break sometimes. Nobody's expecting you to have it all figured out right now."
Carly glanced at him, her eyes searching his face. "But what if I screw something up? What if I disappoint Reina, or you, or… myself?"
Steven leaned forward, resting a hand on her shoulder. "Snugbug, nobody's perfect. Not me, not Reina, not even you—and you're about as close as they come." He smiled softly. "You're allowed to stumble. What matters is how you get back up."
Carly tilted her head, a small smile breaking through the tension. "You really think I'm close to perfect?"
Steven chuckled. "Absolutely. But don't let it go to your head. Now, go take a break. Watch something goofy, get a snack, text Reina if you want. Just let yourself breathe for a bit. Deal?"
Carly hesitated, then nodded. "Deal." As Steven returned to his seat, she glanced at her phone sitting beside her notebook. Her fingers hovered over the screen, debating. Would texting Reina make me look clingy? Or would it make her smile? She set the phone down with a small sigh. Later, she told herself. I'll text her later.
"If you want my honest opinion, Snugbug, I don't think you see Reina as perfect," Steven said thoughtfully, leaning against the back of the chair. "I think you care about her so much that you're willing to see past her flaws."
Carly looked down at her hands, turning the idea over in her mind. "Maybe so," she admitted softly. Her voice carried a weight of uncertainty as she continued, "I just wish she'd be more open with me. There's so much I don't know about her."
Steven studied his daughter for a moment before speaking. "You know, Carly, sometimes people keep parts of themselves secretw because they're afraid. Afraid of being judged, of losing someone they care about." His tone softened, his words deliberate. "That doesn't mean they don't want to be close to you—it just means they're still working up the courage to let you in."
Carly nodded slowly, her brow furrowed in thought. "So… what do I do? Just wait for her to decide I'm worth trusting?"
Steven gave her a gentle smile. "You keep being the person she already sees—the one who cares, who listens, and who's willing to take things one step at a time. Trust isn't something you can rush. Sometimes, it just takes time and patience."
Carly leaned back in her chair, her expression a mix of frustration and resolve. "Time and patience," she echoed quietly. "I guess I can do that."
"That's my girl," Steven said with a proud smile. "And hey, don't forget—trust works both ways. The more she sees you being open with her, the more likely she'll feel safe opening up to you."
Carly smiled faintly, the tension in her shoulders easing. "Thanks, Dad. You always know what to say."
"Comes with the job," Steven teased, standing up and ruffling her hair one last time before heading back to the kitchen.
Carly sat in silence for a moment, her mind still swirling with questions about Reina, but her dad's words stayed with her. Trust takes time. Maybe, just maybe, things would fall into place if she let them.
As if Carly had imagined her into being, a knock sounded at the door. Steven raised an eyebrow, moving to answer it. When he opened the door, none other than Reina stood on the other side, clutching a fresh bag for that evening.
Reina hesitated for a split second before stepping inside, her fingers brushing the strap of her bag. "Hey, Mr. Shay," she said, her smile warm but a little wobbly. Her eyes darted toward Carly, who was already beaming at her from across the room.
"I told you, Reina, there's no need for formality here," Steven reminded the nervous blonde with a warm smile.
Reina let out a small, shaky laugh, her grip tightening on the bag. Reina barely had time to set the bag down on the floor before Carly's arms wrapped around her in a tight hug. The world outside seemed to fade as Reina melted into the embrace, her heart thudding in her chest.
"I missed you," Carly whispered, her breath warm against Reina's ear as she held her close.
"I wasn't gone that long, was I?" Reina teased lightly, though her voice trembled slightly.
Carly pulled back just enough to meet Reina's eyes, her gaze soft but intense. "You have no idea what it's like when you're not around," she murmured, her words filled with quiet honesty.
"Well, now you have me for the rest of the weekend." Reina replied softly as she caressed Carly's hand with her thumb.
"And with her homework done there are no distractions." Steven chimed in with a fond smile at the two girls. Carly chuckled nervously as she led Reina up to her room.
Carly and Reina sat on the bed as Reina spoke. "Wow, your dad must really want you to focus on school if he thinks I'm a distraction." Reina commented as she fidgeted with her charm bracelet. Carly placed her hand on Reinas stopping the nervous habit. Reina looked at Carly who just smiled.
"Actually, he didn't want my homework to distract me from my time with you." Carly explained softly as she gave Reina a soft peck on the cheek. "Is it okay that I kissed you?"
"I don't know, Miss Shay, you tell me." Reina smiled slyly as she kissed Carly on the cheek in return. Carly blushed, her face heating as she instinctively wrapped her arms around the blonde.
"I'm sorry, Reina," Carly said suddenly, pulling back, her eyes darting away."Whatever for?" Reina asked, her brow furrowing, concern flickering across her face.
"I…" Carly hesitated, her throat tightening as the words caught in her chest. She glanced down, fidgeting with the edge of her shirt, before finally meeting Reina's gaze. Her voice trembled as she forced herself to continue. "I really like you. I like you more than a friend should."
The confession hung in the air, unspoken fears and hopes colliding in the silence. Carly's heart pounded as she searched Reina's expression, bracing herself for what might come next.
A/N: Hope you enjoyed. Please follow, fav, and review. What do you think Riena will say?