Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon.
Seeing Red
Chapter: 20
"This is a bad idea, isn't it?"
Renamon looked back between Rika and her reflection in the bathroom mirror, at which the fire-haired girl presently scowled at as though it were an enemy. And with the stiff, angry posture she had, it very well might be now. The last several hours had been ones of high tension and uncertainty for Rika and it showed in everything she did since waking up from a dream in the wee hours of the morning.
Renamon's eyes roamed over Rika's reflection, gauging it against what she knew about her partner and what she wanted to communicate to others. The red shirt was a familiar one. The sleeveless, low-cut affair she wore to Takato's home some weeks ago when their relationship began. Her means of 'attack.' Of putting Takato off balance. This time, there was a subtle difference though. A slight lift to her bust, no doubt from the pushup bra she had purchased before their visit to the beach. Another means of attack, and a considerably blunter one at that. Rika had worn the former during her confession to Takato in the hopes of getting her interest across as clearly as possible. Until now, she hadn't worn it since then.
The kitsune frowned thoughtfully, remembering last night. Is it an attack? Or an apology?
"It's quite out of the ordinary for you," Renamon replied carefully. Rika sighed and her shoulders sagged a little.
"Yeah, you're right," she said with an irritated growl. Turning, she hurriedly exited the bathroom and made her way toward her room. She moved swiftly, preferring to get there before her mother or grandmother saw her and began asking questions. Renamon followed after her, easily keeping pace.
"I must admit that I'm uncertain why you're doing this," she said at her partner's retreating back. "You've never been one to worry about your appearance except when you feel you need to communicate something. Is this because of last night's dream?"
She watched Rika's shoulder and neck muscles tense up at the mention of the dream. She had said very little about it since last night despite that it clearly bothered her a great deal. For half a moment, Renamon thought she would deny that such was the case, but Rika subtly nodded.
"I'm just…trying to figure some things out," she said. She heaved another sigh before continuing, her voice becoming throaty. "I guess I just wanted to feel like I can be myself around Takato and know it won't bother either of us."
Renamon tilted her head to one side questioningly, following her partner into her room. Be herself? she wondered, again considering Rika's current getup and wondering just what happened in her dream that led to her unique approach.
"I don't understand. You already know that you can be yourself." She frowned slightly, wondering again at Rika's fretting over her appearance. "Has Takato given you any indication that you couldn't?"
Rika didn't reply right away. Instead, she went over to her dresser where her picture of the boy in question still sat. Her violet eyes rested worriedly upon his crimson ones before being drawn away to her reflection in the glass covering.
"No," she admitted. "But last night…" She clenched her eyes shut and drew her hands into fists. With shaking arms, she reached out. Taking hold of the picture she lifted it off the dresser. Renamon had a flash in her mind of Rika angrily hurling it into the wastebasket, juxtaposing it against an image of herself, much younger, doing the same to her digivice and cards. Yet, she didn't do this. She merely stood there; her face twisted into a snarling battlefield of emotion. Through their link, she felt a bubbling surge of frustration and pain that first rose and then receded as Rika ruthlessly pushed it down.
Approaching, Renamon placed a paw on her partner's shoulder.
"Rika, why won't you tell me what happened? It's clearly troubling you and I don't believe that your meeting with Takato will be served by seeing him in your current state of mind."
Rika turned toward her, her face wracked with indecision. Renamon understood, to some extent, her dilemma. She had watched over Rika as she had promised, saw and heard nothing until her Tamer abruptly woke up, followed swiftly by a call from Takato on her cellphone. The two spent the better part of a short ten minutes talking, though 'talking' in her opinion might be a bit of an understatement as Rika fluctuated between shock and anger and Takato's mother could be heard voicing her upset about an injury the boy had sustained on his foot, which did nothing to help Rika's own mood. She kept the details to herself but Renamon was able to guess that, as Takato hadn't manifested, Rika had and been caught herself in a compromising position of some sort. One that left her badly upset and understandably so. Rika was not one who enjoyed being caught flatfooted after all.
At the same time, Renamon felt that there was more to it than that. Did she do something to Takato, as he did to her? she wondered.
The sound of Rika's phone buzzing, broke Rika's eyes away from her and over to the table where it sat. Rika made an agitated sound and looked back at the photograph still in her hands.
"I-I can't," she said regretfully, her thumb tracing along the cheek of the photographed-Takato. His smile was so wide, as if he couldn't imagine things getting any better than where he sat, with Rika and Henry by his side. "Not yet," she amended. She looked back at Renamon apologetically. "I'm sorry. I just…can't. Not until I've seen Takato and worked things out between us."
Renamon nodded and gave her shoulder a soft squeeze.
"Very well," she replied reluctantly. "Are you sure you wouldn't rather have me nearby?"
Rika pressed her lips together tightly before nodding. "Positive. I… We need to talk about this alone. And I need to feel like we can do this without always having someone holding our hands when things get weird. Sorry."
"It's quite all right." With a small reassuring smile just barely visible on her lips, Renamon gave another squeeze to the girl's shoulder before withdrawing. "I understand. It is as you once said. You're learning to be the best version of yourself. I'd say this is a step forward on that path."
At that, Rika glanced down at her outfit. A blush colored her features. Renamon cocked her head questioningly.
"Did I say something wrong?"
"No, I'm just thinking, that's all." Rika shook her head and placed her picture back on her dresser. "Maybe I'm trying too hard at this and maybe I'm also afraid of facing what happened honestly." Opening up her dresser, she withdrew a shirt that was more familiar to her. It was similar to the one she wore as a child but larger; white with turquoise sleeves and a full heart on the front.
"I shouldn't need distractions. I shouldn't feel like I should be using any when Takato and I need to be honest with one another." Her eyes softened. "I just wish I didn't feel afraid to be honest. Especially about the things I want."
Renamon considered Rika's words as she thought about her partner's behavior since getting up. It made sense, after a fashion. When upset, Rika would, at times, fall back to viewing her dealings in terms of conflict. Her usual methods for dealing with such situations tended to involve either avoiding the issue or placing herself in a position that was advantageous to her. During her long years of friendship with Takato, she tended to prefer the latter method over the former; attempting to control and manage their interactions so that, when Takato inevitably put his foot in his mouth, she would be on top. The results of this were, of course, mixed, owing to Takato misunderstanding what was going on or inadvertently turning things around with his naïve honesty.
"I believe you will find your way," the vulpine digimon smiled. "Even if you take a while to get there, you are still the strongest Tamer. And should you falter, you still have those who care about you – who love you to stand by your side. That will not change, Rika. Ever."
She saw the doubts swimming behind Rika's eyes, but her resolve had hardened in spite of them. Nodding to herself, she set the shirt down.
"All right," she said, grasping the bottom of her current top. "Time to be real then."
###
Takato sat against the iron bars of the old concrete hut's entrance, listening to the birds' chirp while Guilmon poked around in the brush, sniffing for old, buried treasures and the various leavings of animals. 'Stories,' as he called them. Takato's head slumped a little toward his chest, his eyes sliding shut before, with a sharp intake of air, he jerked it back up. He held this position for some seconds before the war with his eyes resumed, and he found himself struggling to keep them open. He had no difficulty during the night and even the entire morning before he got here. He had been too wired. Now however the wakefulness he felt was gone. Slipped away and not even the uncomfortable concrete flooring was enough.
"Come on," he muttered, giving himself a slap. "Stay awake!"
"Takato? Are you alright?"
His eyes sliding closed once more, the spoken question brought to mind a memory and his mind became filled with the image of a powerful-looking shaman, long, silvery hair flowing behind her fox-shaped, facemask. The woman was smiling and a beautiful light emanated from her. And though he couldn't see her eyes, obscured as they were beneath her mask, he knew, somehow in a way that went all the way to his soul, that her attention and concern was on him.
"Yeah, I'm fine, Sakuyamon," he said before blinking back to semi-wakefulness once more. "Guilmon! I mean, Guilmon!"
The crimson dinosaur padded over to him and gave the boy a sniff. Takato placed his face into the palms of his hands and drew in another deep breath.
"Sorry, boy. I guess I really am tired."
"You smell it, too," Guilmon nodded in agreement. Reaching up, he ran his claws through his partner's hair, ruffling it slightly. "Maybe you should take a nap? That way Rika won't think that you find her boring by accidently falling asleep."
Takato made a muffled groan against his hands. "I think it's a little late for that now," he said, drawing his face out of his palms. "She could be here any minute. And…um…" He blushed. "I don't want to have any weird dreams that involve me popping up wherever she is right now. That'd be bad."
"Why, are you having naughty thoughts about Rika again?"
"N-No!" Takato's blush darkened and his exhaustion briefly fell back before the heat erupting in his face. "But…" He swallowed. "Better to be careful, right?"
"Hmmm…" Guilmon cocked his head to one side uncertainly. "But you need sleep, Takato. You haven't had a wink at all and that's bad."
"I think bio-emerging next to Rika naked would somehow be even worse, especially if she's in public." Sighing, he leaned back against the iron bars, banging his head lightly to drive back the exhaustion once more. "Man, I hope she's all right. She sounded really upset last night."
Closing his eyes, he cast his thoughts back to that unusual talk following her unexpected manifestation in his home. Between his mother coming downstairs to investigate the crash – and finding him balancing on one foot with blood dripping from the other and onto the floor – and Rika just becoming a turmoil of emotion, especially after finding out that he hurt himself (pieced together rather quickly from overhearing his mother), it was nothing short of a miracle that he managed to talk to her for as long as he did and get her to agree to seeing him today to clear things up.
Rika… I just want to help you. I don't want you to feel bad. It's…not your fault. It's not. It's… And so his mind went as he drifted off. However, even sleep did not provide him with any relief. He felt as though he were trapped in some kind of dark whirlpool, spinning out of control. And everywhere he looked, he saw Rika, with a broken, hurt look on her face. And it was all his fault.
It can't happen! It won't! he heard himself say, struggling against the whirlpool's torrential forces. He had to reach her! He had to find her and help her! He had to…
"Awww…" he heard Guilmon saying to someone. "Isn't that nice? He finally fell asleep."
"What do you mean by 'finally'?" came an equally familiar, feminine voice.
"He's been awake all night and wouldn't even nap because he was afraid that he might have naughty dreams about you."
Alarms sounded off inside his mind.
"Huh? Bu-wha…?" Blinking, Takato started awake once more, finding Guilmon standing next to a blushing Rika, who was looking at him with soft, concerned eyes. Realizing he had dozed off, he jerked to his feet, ignoring the sudden pain shooting up his leg from last night's injury.
"R-Rika!" he exclaimed, and at once hesitancy appeared in her gaze. One leg twitched, as if to retreat, but as if recognizing this, her expression hardened, as did her fist. The leg stilled. Seeing this, Takato faltered, becoming uncertain.
Right, he thought to himself. Because I hurt her.
"Hey," she said, folding her arms together. Takato looked back at her and rubbed the back of his head.
"Hi," he began hesitantly. "Um, so, ah… H-How are you?"
Rika pressed her lips together into one thin line, as if upset about something.
"Feels like I should be the one asking that," she said. "I, uh, h-how's your foot?"
Takato gave her a sheepish smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Still kind of stings, but I'll be okay. Like I said, it's not as bad as it looked. Try telling that to my mom though… Man, I thought she would freak out. Well, freak out worse than she actually did, but she was ready to take me to the hospital."
"Sorry about that," Rika nodded, her eyes dropping briefly to his feet before returning to his gaze. "Which one was it? Your foot, I mean."
Takato lifted the aforementioned foot indicatively, but said nothing more on it. Rika's arms tightened about her sides.
"So," she began, deciding to cut to the chase. "This is how you felt when it happened to you."
"It's not your fault."
"Funny. That's what I was telling you and we had a disagreement about it." Her eyes flashing, she gave him a hard look. "Why do you always make everything your fault but never mine?"
"I don't…always," Takato replied, his brow furrowing. "I guess I just don't like seeing you upset. And there's a bit of a big difference between what happened in my dream and what happened in yours. You woke up and…"
"Stop," Rika interrupted. "I really don't want to have this argument again. Can't we just agree that neither of us knew what was going on and there was nothing that could have prepared us for it?"
"I…" Takato paused and then nodded. "Okay. Sure."
"Good." Approaching now, Rika thrust her back against the iron bars of the hut's caged door, making a point to stand next to him as she had before and gave him a meaningful look. A pall of silence fell between them and Takato, feeling the tension between them and seeing the look in her eyes, eased back against the cage. He was unsure as to what to do, or even what she wanted from him with her stare, but deciding to test the waters, he lifted one arm and cautiously drew it about her. His hand coming to rest on her shoulder, he gave it a comforting squeeze. Much to his surprise, a small smile tugged at the corners of her lips and he felt a small bit of tension leave her. She pressed against him and sighed. Guilmon watched them for a moment, reading the situation before sniffing the air.
"I don't smell Renamon," he observed. His ears perked up. "Ah! This must be one of those alone-time moments! Right, Takato?"
"Uh, what?" the boy in question asked, lifting an eyebrow. He glanced over at Rika, who was now snaking an arm around his waist. She remained impassive. Taking her silence though as an affirmative, Guilmon waved at them.
"I'm going to go chase some squirrels," he said, glad to see that they appeared to be patching things up with one another. "Bye-bye!"
"This is so stupid," she said after the crimson dinosaur ducked away into some brush with an unsubtle crash that would alert every squirrel for miles around. "We're a real pair of goggleheads, aren't we?"
"Why do you say that?" Takato asked, massaging her shoulder. She squeezed him tight to her in response.
"This whole thing. Whose brilliant idea was it to make our digivices do such a weird thing? Did we really need that much help?"
"I don't know," Takato replied solemnly. "But a really smart person said that no one could have prepared us for what happened. And since Mr. Mizuno said this was new territory, I kind of think that maybe they didn't think this could happen."
"Are you kissing up to me, Gogglehead?"
Not trusting his voice to properly reply for him, he leaned his head against hers and gently brushed her forehead with his lips. Both of their faces rapidly rose in temperature in response and again he felt Rika's hand tighten around his waist.
"You're such a dork," she said, chuckling dryly, a note of anxiety in her voice.
"Better than arguing with you about whether or not I hurt you," Takato replied, his own voice becoming sober. Rika's thumb massaged him through his shirt.
"Because you didn't." She heaved another sigh and Takato heard the weight of emotion in it. Moving on instinct, he gave her forehead another kiss. She hummed appreciatively, her massage increasing in strength and tenderness as she traced her thumb along his hip.
"Sorry," she said, after a moment. "About last night. And a lot of other things. Just everything really. And also about your foot."
"Well, you're a really good kisser, even when you're looking like a ghost. So, it's not like me dropping the cup wasn't expected."
"Takato…"
That brought him up short. She was using the same tone for when she called him 'Gogglehead' but used his real name instead. He drew back and looked at her inquiringly. She was frowning at him.
"Um… Am I doing something wrong by trying to help you feel better?"
"This isn't some silly game," Rika scowled. "And…I don't know." She heaved another heavy sigh. "I guess I just don't know about how I should feel about the whole thing. What we did to each other…" Her eyes softened. "What happened made it all feel…weird. I guess that's probably it. It's not like we meant it or anything, but our digivices made it happen anyway because, well…we wanted it." She chewed her lower lip before glancing at her lover. "Maybe we should just get it over with and try it for real."
Takato blinked. Then he blinked again. And a third time. All the while red steadily crept along his face, out from his cheeks until it swallowed his ears. The same was holding true for Rika as well, but she held his gaze, giving him time to process what she just said before continuing. Her voice came out faster, as though she were trying to head off any protests he might have, or convince herself of her own idea.
"I'm just saying, maybe…maybe we should seriously think it over. I mean, who knows? Maybe Yamaki and the rest won't be able to fix it and this'll just keep bugging us until we actually do something about h-how we feel and what…" She swallowed. "…what we both want."
Her fingers were now practically digging into Takato's side, but the boy's mind was so frazzled right now he barely even noticed. Rika couldn't be suggesting what he thought she was suggesting, was she?
"Maybe…" he heard Rika continue. "Maybe it'll make things feel a little less weird too, for both of us. Everything'll be out in the open and we won't have to do any stupid pretending anymore."
Yes. She was suggesting what he thought she suggested.
"I…have no idea what to say," he said, rather taken aback. He ran his tongue over his lips, suddenly finding them having gone dry. "Except, I guess, why? This doesn't really seem like you."
Rika pressed her lips together before nodding. "Renamon said the same thing this morning. I just feel weird about what happened, like I said." She shifted against him and Takato felt a tremor run through her. "I don't know how to explain it. Everything about it didn't feel right and it should have been right. I don't like it."
"Is that what this is about?" Takato asked. "Rika, do you want…?"
"I don't know what I want," Rika interrupted, her frustration becoming apparent. "I don't even know if I'm making any sense even to me right now.I just know that we didn't want what happened. We both should have been awake for it and…and…"
Rika trailed off as her face positively drowned in red. Finally, with eyes flashing in the sun, she turned fiercely up at Takato.
"Do you want to do it?" she asked heatedly. "Have sex?"
"This conversation is going in some pretty weird directions."
"Just answer the question, Takato."
"Hey, this isn't something you can just spring on me. Not after everything that happened." Turning to face her more fully, he looked at her with a concerned, serious expression on his face. "And frankly, I'd much rather know if you're really okay with that. I mean, you just said that the whole thing felt weird. Maybe we need to, I don't know. Ease back on it or something?"
"Takato, we had sex in our dreams! We bio-emerged in each other's homes and did it! Do you know how weird that is on its own? Do you really think we can just 'ease back' on this? Because we just tried that and it didn't work. How long do you think you can go without sleep, you goofy little gogglehead?"
"Well, we could make it a contest to see who stays up the longest…"
"I'm being serious, Takato!"
"Sorry." The boy looked at her apologetically before running a hand through his hair. "I don't think either of us are really thinking straight right now. At least, I'm not, but since when have I ever thought straight?" He glanced at Rika to see if she found his joke amusing. She didn't. Coughing, he continued. "I don't want to hurt you and this seems like the kind of thing where I could do that."
Seeing the exhaustion in his eyes, Rika looked at him sympathetically for a second before drawing him into a loving hug. Giving him a light kiss on the cheek, she tightened her hold about him. Takato gasped in surprise, having not expected the gesture.
"I'm the Digimon Queen," she said, her voice partly muffled against his hair. "There's no way a gogglehead like you can hurt me."
She gave him an even harder squeeze, as if for emphasis, causing Takato to grunt. Wrapping his arms around her, he massaged her back. As he did so, the full weight of what Rika was asking of him came down heavily upon his shoulders. Sex. She was actually suggesting that they have sex and get everything out in the open between them. No more dancing around the topic. No more goofing around or pretending. Takato swallowed. He wasn't sure that this was at all a good idea. The risks aside, neither of them was exactly 'happy' with recent events – frazzled in fact! – and both were tired to boot. But Rika's feeling of wrongness about their first experiences stuck with him. Did she feel that they could correct that by making love to one another while they were both awake with no questions or doubts about what they wanted to have happen?
He thought about his talk with his father from last night. The fears he had laid out to him and how their first experience made him feel, to have sullied Rika, however unintentionally and unknowingly. He wanted very much to make it up to her and to make right what had gone wrong.
But, was this the way to do it? Doubt gnawed away at him, but he had no answers he could think of. No real counterargument. His mind felt like mud in either case, which made it even harder. The only thing he could say for certain was that he loved Rika and desired to do whatever he could to take her hurt away. He knew that she often liked to talk tough, but he also knew that this was a mask to disguise how she really felt. Knowing what she felt was difficult, but holding her he could sense her fear, and with it a powerful determination to see this through all the way to its end.
"I'm not sure about this," he said at last, giving her a soft squeeze. "B-But if this is what you want…"
He trailed off, feeling the reality of his words hit him like a slab of granite. His doubts suddenly became that much stronger in him, but he had no idea how to express them.
Come on, Matsuki… Think! Think!
Rika kissed his cheek again.
"Okay," she said shakily. "My mom's going to a photoshoot and my grandma will be visiting a friend later. We'll have some privacy. Just you and me."
Despite this proclamation, neither of them was in any hurry to get going. Both sat there, holding one another, their hearts swarming with doubts and fear as the reality of their promise sank in for the both of them.
8