Author's Note: TW/CW: references to self-harm, alcohol abuse, references to past trauma, references to abuse.
Sorry for the long delay. I can't thank you enough for the amazingly kind messages I received for my birthday and the holidays. I send all that love right back to you. I've been focusing on surviving and that means I haven't been able to do as much as I want to. Please know that I read every comment and message multiple times. If I don't respond, I probably just am taking it 10 seconds at a time.
You all are the best. You matter.
Also! At least for me, New Years is hard (I don't like change). If this applies to you, do whatever is going to make you feel best that day. Take is slow and know that you've got a friend in me.
YOU ARE LOVED!
Chapter Summary: Albus talks to Severus. Harry begins to talk about what happened and has a breakdown.
Previous Chapter Summary: Harry's Occlumency lesson doesn't go as planned. Harry tries to get away because Severus is drunk. Harry transforms while he is trying to get away. Minerva finds Harry. Adults work with Harry.
Harry stayed in the hospital wing that night. He didn't talk a ton but did when he had to and Remus and Sirius didn't leave his side.
Albus wasn't able to check on Harry because he was with Severus.
Albus had waited until Severus was sober (which was hastened by the aid of a potion) and waited for Severus to speak. It took several hours, but Severus gave in.
"Albus, what happened?" Severus asked, groaning and rubbing his head. He had memories of Albus and Poppy, but his mind had only been clear for the past few hours.
"What do you remember?" Albus asked, trying to be patient.
"Harry came for his lesson and-" Severus stopped. "Oh no. Oh no."
Albus nodded with a grave face. "Oh no indeed. Continue, Severus."
Severus glared at the headmaster but knew he was once again at his mercy. "I entered his mind. I saw a memory of that wretched uncle," Severus spat. "Then Harry or his magic threw me out. We were running through the halls." Severus furrowed his brows, remembering the stag, but he thought it was best not to mention that to Albus. "Then Minerva was there and I was tied up."
"And why were you tied up?" Albus asked, despite knowing the answer.
Severus felt like a child, but deep down knew he deserved this. "I was chasing him."
"And why was that?"
"Because we ran away after I was forced out of his mind," Severus reluctantly said.
"And why were you in his mind?"
"Albus," Severus growled.
"No, Severus. I want to hear you say it. You need to say it. What was problematic about this situation?"
Severus didn't reply and Albus waited several minutes before the potion master decided to answer.
"I had indulged in a drink or two."
"That's putting it lightly," Albus told him.
"What do you want from me? It's DONE! I don't know what you want?" Severus shouted, throwing up his hands.
Albus' face was sad. "It is done. You're correct. Harry has to deal with what happened. We can't change that. You know even better than I do that Harry has been through horrors in his life we can't imagine."
"That's part of the reason why!" Severus hissed.
Albus didn't respond but sat there patiently.
"I know how terrible his life has been. I have to see it. I have to deal with my role in it. Sometimes I use a drink to help."
"Severus, if any of it was too much for you, you should've said something. We've talked about this before."
"I am not weak," Severus hissed, turning away from Albus and facing the wall.
"I never said you were weak. Severus, asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. I know you've told young Mr. Malfoy that."
"And I am not him."
"No, you're not. You're a grown man. Severus, you need to come to terms with what happened and your role in it. Clearly, it 's not happening by talking to me. You will be talking with someone about it."
"If you think I'm talking to that wolf-" Severus began to hiss.
Albus shook his head. "I don't think Remus or Sirius could talk to you right now."
Severus paled at that. For whatever reason, that is the comment that finally got through to him. Severus knows how professional Remus is and how caring he is. The thought of him being so overcome with anger and hurt from what happened hit Severus.
"W-was it that bad?" Severus asked, a bit of his anger finally deflating.
Albus nodded. "We're not quite sure everything that happened. Young Harry is being examined by Madame Pomfrey. They are worried about neurological damage."
Severus paled further. He didn't expect that.
"I'm not telling you this to cause you to pity yourself. I'm telling you this so you are aware of the severity of the situation."
"Will he be alright? Harry?" Severus asked quietly
Albus paused and then slowly nodded. "I believe so, but it will take some time."
Severus nodded, understanding that. "I think I need some time, Albus."
The headmaster nodded. "I'm not leaving you alone right now. I'll be here if you need anything."
Severus nodded and mumbled a few words under his breath before heading to his bedroom to lie down and process.
Harry returned to the Marauder Quarters the next day with strict instructions from Madame Pomfrey and promises of being checked on by her every other day.
Remus and Sirius were either both by him or taking turns.
Harry still didn't say much. He told Sirius and Remus that he loved them and requested to go to the bathroom when he needed to and answered basic questions, but didn't go into detail about what happened for several days.
At one point, when Harry was resting, Sirius brought Remus to the side of the room and put up a silencing charm around them.
"Moony, he hasn't said anything," Sirius said, his voice still soft despite the charm.
"I know," Remus acknowledged quietly.
"Can you talk to him? Do something?" Sirius pleaded. He hated seeing his son like this.
"I can try, but you know as well as I do that he won't talk until he's ready."
Sirius sighed and nodded, but turned away. "I hate this! Please, Remus. We've got to do something! He's going to waste away!"
"Sirius, Love," Remus began, wrapping his arms around his husband. "He just went through something terribly traumatic. It's going to take time. We've got him. He's going to be okay."
"But how do you know?" Sirius whined helplessly.
"Because we love him and will do everything we can for him. Harry is resilient. He's been through the wringer. He may have a scar or two from this, yes, but he's going to be okay."
Sirius felt one of the knots in his stomach start to loosen. "Okay, okay."
"There's my Love," Remus murmured, kissing Sirius' head. "Why don't you go rest, hmm? I'll wait here."
Sirius hesitated but nodded after another soft kiss from Remus. "Okay, yeah. I'll see you soon?"
Remus hummed his agreement and kissed Sirius again before watching him retreat to their bedroom.
Remus rubbed his face and took a few moments before picking up his book and reading it.
Harry woke up about half an hour later.
"Moony Da?" Harry croaked, reaching for his glasses.
"Hi, Cub," Remus smiled warmly as he placed the glasses on his son's face.
"Where's Dadfoot?" Harry asked, looking around.
"He's resting. Is that okay? I can get him if you want," Remus offered.
Harry shook his head. "No, let him rest. He needs it. Besides, it's been a while since it's just been us."
"Yeah, it has. Is there anything you wanted to talk about just us?"
Harry knew what Remus was hinting at and shifted uncomfortably, but he was hinting at the same thing himself.
"It wasn't good, Moony Da."
Remus nodded, listening.
"And I know I should talk about it, but it was so scary."
"I hear you, Cub. You can say whatever you feel comfortable with."
Harry squeezed his eyes shut, half wanting the memory to disappear before he opened them again.
"I don't feel safe, Moony Da."
"Tell me more about that," Remus said.
"I-I don't feel safe. With what happened I keep waiting to be attacked. He smelled like Ver-, er my uncle," Harry couldn't manage to say the name. He knows that he shouldn't call him his uncle, but he just couldn't say the name. "He could be anywhere," Harry whispered.
"That sounds scary," Remus validated.
Harry nodded. He opened his mouth to say something but then shut it.
"What is it?" Remus asked gently.
Harry shook his head. "I-I'm not ready yet."
"That's okay. I'm proud of you for advocating for yourself. You've done so well, Harry."
Harry shrugged. "It wasn't good, Moony Da. I'm sorry it's so slow for me to share."
"Hey, none of that," Remus chastised ever-so-gently. "You are doing marvelously. Slow and steady wins the race, yeah?"
A small smile appeared on Harry's face. "Yeah."
Harry shifted the conversation to something a bit lighter and Remus followed the conversation. He was proud of his son for starting to open up and he didn't even have to push.
It was quiet for a few moments before Harry brought up some summer homework he was working on. He and Remus talked about that until Sirius joined them about 20 minutes later.
The conversation was lighter and even Sirius was able to notice that Harry seemed a smidgen lighter. He gave Remus a thankful and approving nod when Harry wasn't looking before continuing their conversation.
It was about three days later when Harry opened up again. Sirius was showering and Remus could clearly tell that something was bothering Harry.
"Love, I don't want to push you, but I can see you're upset."
Harry knew he wasn't hiding it well. His hands were in fists and he kept dissociating. He just didn't have the energy to mask his emotions or put up a front.
Harry shrugged, not knowing what to say.
"Is it about what happened?"
Harry gave a sharp nod.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Harry nodded, but couldn't find the words he wanted. He let out a frustrated breath and clenched his fists tighter.
Remus wordlessly and gently unclenched Harry's fists. He gently placed Prongs the Stuffie in Harry's hands and spoke softly. "Why don't we start from the beginning? Hmm? Would that be easier?"
Harry gave a small nod. He looked out the window as eye contact was just too much right now.
"You can tell me what happened or anything else that is best for you," Remus said.
Harry was quiet for longer than a minute, gathering his thoughts before he spoke. "I knew something was off as soon as I stepped in there. He wanted me to sit at the table. And he started speaking and that's when it hit me. I could smell the a-alcohol." Harry took a deep breath. He knew that it was good to talk about, but that didn't make it easy. "I didn't want him to go in my mind and I tried to tell him that. He didn't listen to me. That's when he, uh, went in. He saw a memory and then I pushed him out or something- I don't really know. And then I ran away and I eventually ran into Grandma Min."
Harry purposely left out the part about turning into his animagus as he wasn't ready to reveal that yet.
Remus reached over to give Harry's arm a gentle squeeze and said, "I am so proud of you for sharing that, Harry. You are brave in enduring that and telling me. That sounds difficult and scary."
"Yeah, it was," Harry whispered, fighting back the tears that were threatening to fall.
"It's okay to cry, Harry. It's healthy," Remus reminded him gently.
Harry shook his head but allowed a few tears to fall.
"What are you feeling right now?" Remus asked in that same gentle tone.
"I don't-I can't-" Harry said, shaking his head once more.
"Harry-" Remus began.
"No," Harry replied sharply. "No."
"Okay. I'll respect your boundaries. I'm here if you need anything."
It was quiet for another minute before Harry (unnecessarily, if you ask Remus) composed himself and calmly said, "I'd like some time by myself."
Remus thought carefully about what to say. "Harry, I respect your wishes and I want to do what is best for you and your healing. I also want to make sure that you are safe and work through things when you are ready, even if they're hard."
"I hear you, Moony Da. I have nothing to hurt myself. I just want space."
"Okay. I'll be right outside if you need or want me, as is Dadfoot. We're here for you. We love you."
"Love you too," Harry said, looking at his comforter.
Remus stood up and walked out the door after a gentle kiss on Harry's head.
Harry finally let out a breath after Remus left. He had wanted his dads to be near him after what happened, but it all became too much.
The entire incident was too much.
Harry threw a spare pillow across the room and watched it fall to the floor with a soft thump.
Harry pulled Prongsy close to his chest and silently cried. He hated this. He hated this feeling. And yet, he wasn't ready to say it aloud yet. It didn't make sense to him and that confused him even more.
Meanwhile, Remus was pacing the sitting room. Sirius came in as he was drying his hair with a towel. "What's up, Moony? Why are you here and not with Harry?"
Remus sighed and then looked to Harry's room as he threw up a silencing charm. "He told me what happened. He's clearly still having trouble with what happened and I don't blame him. He can't verbalize his feelings and it's all pent up, Siri. I don't know what to do."
Sirius could tell that Remus needed a moment. "Take a deep breath, Rem."
Remus did as he said.
"Another," Sirius ordered.
Remus gave him a small glare and then closed his eyes and took another deep breath.
"One more," Sirius requested.
Remus took another breath and opened his eyes.
"Take a step back, Remus. If another therapist came to you and said that they have a patient who has cPTSD and has struggled with self-harm, depression, and panic attacks and that they had gone through another traumatic situation where their past trauma was also triggered. The event happened less than a week ago and the patient shared what happened and has opened up twice now, but hasn't been able to describe their feelings. What would you say?"
"Well," Remus began, "I'd say that the patient has done well for the first week. I'd ask how the patient is doing and how the therapist is doing and if they need any assistance. If both are doing alright and they don't need any assistance, I'd tell them that the patient is progressing well and that there is no cause for concern right now. I'd remind them to make sure their patient is physically safe and has people who are there to support the patient during this time."
Sirius went over to Remus and rubbed his shoulders. "See, you do know what you're doing," Sirius whispered in Remus' ear.
Remus sighed and turned around, taking Sirius' hands in his own. "I just can't help but worry about him. I feel like he's going to explode if he keeps it all bottled up. I don't even think he's trying to, but sometimes he just can't seem to find the words he wants, and that adds to the frustration."
"And what happens if he does explode?" Sirius asked.
"Huh?"
"If Harry either chooses to or is unable to express his feelings, or any combination of that and has a breakdown or explodes with his emotions, is there anything we can't take care of?"
"I mean I'm assuming he isn't causing extreme harm to himself or others?" Remus clarified.
"Yes, barring extreme harm to himself and others," Sirius agreed.
Remus thought for a moment before agreeing, "I guess we can handle it."
Sirius could tell Remus wasn't on board yet. "Remus, do you remember how often I'd help you study for your healer exams?"
"Yes," Remus chuckled, sitting down on the couch.
"Well, I remember some of it too," Sirius said, sitting down next to his husband. "I know that sometimes when a bone breaks bad, it needs to be set, right?"
Remus nodded.
"It hurts more in that moment for whoever is getting their bone set, but they'll quickly be in less pain and the bone will be able to heal correctly. Maybe that's what Harry needs. Maybe he needs that outburst, explosion, or whatever it is to heal properly."
Remus stared at Sirius with a small smile.
"What?" Sirius asked.
"You never fail to surprise me, Sirius Black."
"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"
"A good thing. Definitely a good thing," Remus said, leaning in to kiss him.
That explosion was coming sooner than either of them planned.
Sirius went into Harry's room about an hour later and Remus joined them for dinner. No mention was made about earlier, as Harry wanted it. It was a mostly quiet evening for the marauders until bedtime.
Harry requested to be alone and insisted Sirius and Remus sleep in their own room. Remus was firmly against it and Sirius was not too happy with the idea either, but eventually relented after clearing Harry's room of anything that could be used to harm himself (discretely, of course).
Harry didn't want to say anything about what happened. He didn't want to talk about his feelings. However, he's been in therapy for around 8 months now and hiding his emotions wasn't nearly as easy as before.
Damn therapist made him talk about things
Curse him.
Harry stayed in his bed for a few hours after he managed to convince Sirius and Remus to leave. He finally realized he couldn't stay in there any longer. He silently made his way to the kitchen and went to get a mug for hot chocolate. He wasn't particularly thirsty but hoped it would help him sleep.
Harry put the pot on the stove and reached for a mug. He grabbed one and measured the milk out before pouring it into the pot. Harry turned the stove on and waited for the milk to heat up. He looked around the kitchen mindlessly for a moment before freezing. His eyes narrowed at an object on the shelf.
A bottle of firewhiskey.
He stared at it before feeling his body clench up with anger and fear. Harry screamed and threw his mug on the ground.
"IT'S NOT FAIR!" Harry screamed. He picked up the container of spoons and spatulas and started throwing them across the kitchen, screaming.
Harry then took the backside of his hand and wiped off the counter and the stove, burning his hand on the pot that had previously held the milk for the hot chocolate (not that he even realized that).
Meanwhile, Remus and Sirius were sleeping when they heard Harry's first scream. They were already up and running out of their room when they heard the crash. They saw Harry side-swipe everything on the floor and Remus immediately put a hand out in front of Sirius to stop him.
"Harry? Harry?" Remus said softly, slowly going toward the boy.
Harry was still screaming and reaching for something else to throw on the floor.
"Harry, can you hear me?"
"IT'S NOT FAIR!" Harry screamed again, shattering another mug.
"What's not fair, Harry?" Remus asked calmly as he slowly inched closer to his son.
Harry let out an anguished yell, showing no sign he heard Remus.
Harry then reached for a knife that had been drying by the sink that evidently wasn't able to be put away.
Remus didn't wait any longer. He swiftly made his way to Harry and effectively wrapped his arms around him.
"I've got you, Harry. Moony Da is here. You're safe," Remus told Harry, knowing the teenager felt anything but safe.
"IT'S NOT FAIR!" Harry screamed for the third time as he fought against his restraints.
"It's not fair! It's not fair, it's not fair," Harry repeated, starting to cry. "I TRUSTED HIM! I trusted him." Harry began to sob now and released the knife, which Sirius quickly vanished.
Harry slowly fell to the floor with Remus keeping a firm grip on him. They ended up on the floor and Remus turned the restraint into a hug.
"I trusted him," Harry sobbed.
"I know, Love. I know," Remus affirmed, holding Harry tightly.
Sirius saw that the stove was on and shut it off before vanishing the milk on the floor along with repairing all of the broken cups before turning into Padfoot and making his way onto Harry's lap.
The three boys stayed there like that for a long time. Harry had calmed himself down and was petting Padfoot and Remus was gently rubbing Harry's arms and back and occasionally whispering affirmations. Eventually, Harry spoke up.
"I trusted him, Moony Da. I trusted him and he broke it."
"I know, Cub," Remus said.
"I really didn't think he'd hurt me like that. I didn't think I'd be hurt like that again."
Remus gave Harry a tight squeeze.
"I was so upset and I saw the firewhiskey in the cabinet and I just-" Harry sighed. "Lost it, I guess."
"You didn't lose anything. You were releasing your pent up emotions, which looked like needed to be released."
"Sorry I broke things."
"Hey, no need to apologize for that. All can be repaired. You're the irreplaceable one."
Harry scoffed but still managed a 'thank you.'
"We'll keep telling you until you believe us," Remus whispered.
"I love you and Dadfoot," Harry said.
"And we love you," Remus replied.
Harry rested his head on Remus' arm. He tried to readjust himself and winced before looking down at his arm. "D-did I do this?" Harry asked shakily.
Padfoot popped into Sirius and Remus looked down at Harry's arm. "It was when you were upset. We can take care of it right now if you want."
"I mean what I want and what I should do are different," Harry tried to point out, again, very shakily.
Remus chuckled anyway. "Very true. How about Sirius goes and gets the first aid kit and when he comes back I can examine the wound, hmm?"
"Okay," Harry agreed.
Sirius quickly got up to retrieve the first aid kit and Remus whispered more affirmations in Harry's ear.
When Sirius returned, Remus and Sirius switched spots and Harry leaned into Sirius instead.
Remus carefully grabbed Harry's arm and examined the burn before looking up at Harry.
"I'm going to apply some burn salve and wrap it, okay?"
Harry couldn't make eye contact with Remus right now but nodded and tightened his grip on Sirius.
Remus carefully applied the salve and talked Harry through it before wrapping it up.
"All done, Cubby. You're all set."
Harry let out an appreciative noise but wasn't sure what to say or do.
"You don't have to say anything right now, Harry. I know it's a lot, isn't it?" Remus asked softly.
Harry nodded, clearly starting to dissociate.
"We're going to take you in our bed tonight and stay with you," Remus explained as Sirius picked Harry up.
Harry let out another noise.
"We've got you, Harry. You're safe. You can let go. We've got you," Remus assured Harry as they tucked him into their wizard king size bed.
Those were the words Harry subconsciously needed to hear. He felt a small smile on his face and that was the last thing he clearly remembered before falling asleep.
Remus and Sirius had him. He was safe.
While Harry was continuing to recover, so was Severus.
Draco had continued to stay at Blaise's house at Dumbledore's personal request to the Zabini family. Albus had stayed with Severus for a couple of nights before allowing him to be on his own.
The same night Harry had his breakdown, Albus felt that it was time for Severus to hear what was going to happen.
"Severus, it is time we talked," Albus said, breaking the silence they had.
They were sitting in Severus' sitting room and had been for a few hours.
"I was waiting for you to speak," Severus drawled.
"Before I say anything, I need to know how you feel about what happened. Truly, Severus. This will affect what happens."
Severus pushed down any fear he had and opened up to the headmaster. "I regret it. I wish I never drank. I am… disappointed in myself for my behavior and especially for hurting Mr. Potter. It is all very unfortunate."
Albus hummed and leaned back.
Severus tried not to squirm under the watchful eye of the headmaster. "And what is your verdict?" Severus asked.
Albus paused another second more before speaking. "You have two choices. One is to check yourself into a rehabilitation facility, muggle or magical."
"Not happening," Severus said through gritted teeth.
"I expected you to say that," Albus said. "Your other choice is to stay here. You'll meet with a mind healer chosen by the both of us, and will be watched over by myself, Minerva, and Poppy. You will not drink for at least three months. As we are already in the middle of July, you will also take the first month or two off of school. I will have someone take your place so you can continue to recover."
"Albus! I can not do that! There will be too many questions!" Severus cried, outraged.
"You will be taking a sabbatical for research. That is not unusual for potion masters. I do recall Professor Slughorn taking one during your second year for a couple of months."
"This is different," Severus hissed.
"No one needs to know that except us. Those are your two options, Severus. You have to pick one of them."
Severus sighed. "I despise both of them."
"That is something that you should've thought about before this situation."
Severus opened his mouth to curse at Albus but stopped himself. Getting angry would not help this situation.
"Fine. Give me a day before getting back to you about it."
They both knew that Severus was going to choose the latter, but that he was too stubborn to come to a definitive conclusion right now.
"I will return tomorrow to hear of your decision. I assume you'd like to be alone right now?"
"Yes." Severus hissed.
Albus nodded and walked to the door. "Minerva will be here after dinner. Good day, Severus."
Severus heard the door shut and cursed. There was a lot to think about.
Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)
14. Listen to music
15. Ice cubes (hold them, put them where you want to harm yourself)
Suicide Hotlines:
USA: 988 (press 1 for veterans)
Canada: 1 (833) 456 4566
France: 0145394000
Italy: 800860022
UK: 0800 689 5652
Brazil: 188
India: 9999 666 555
Mexico: 5255102550