Author's Note: TW/CW: swearing, references to self-harm, mentions and descriptions of self-harm, panic attack, anxiety
Thanks for being here! I appreciate every comment, thank you all so much for leaving your thoughts!
This is a heavy chapter, so please stay safe as you read this. I'm so glad you exist. Make safe choices and remember how important and special you are! You are loved.
Chapter Summary: Sirius is reunited with Remus and Harry. Harry begins to sift through his emotions surrounding what happened. Harry has a therapy session with Remus. Harry continues to struggle with what happened and overhears Sirius and Remus talking which leads him to make an unsafe choice.
Previous Chapter Summary: Remus talks to Harry and the Marauders and Co decide to get away for a few days. They go to the cottage and then to Black Manor. Black Manor is attacked by Death Eaters. Remus floors with Harry back to Hogwarts, but Sirius has to take an emergency Portkey to Hogsmeade, which worries Harry. Sirius arrives as Harry and Remus are being treated in the hospital wing. Sirius is alive, much to the relief of Remus and Harry.
Remus slowly made his way over to Sirius. He kissed his husband and whispered something in his ear before gently untangling Harry from Sirius.
"No," Harry whimpered quietly.
"It's okay, Harry. Dadfoot will be right here. Aunt Poppy's got to look at him," Remus explained.
"Aunt Poppy?" Harry was confused before he gasped. "You're hurt! Oh, Dadfoot I'm so sorry! I-"
Sirius cut him off. "Shh. Take a breath, Pup. I'm okay. I just twisted my ankle and got a stinging hex to the arm. I'm okay, really."
Poppy pursed her lips but didn't say anything. She led Sirius to a bed near Harry's and Remus' and began to wave her wand over him and Remus took Harry back to his own bed.
"Moony Da? Are you sure Dadfoot is going to be alright?" Harry asked in a small voice.
"I'm sure. We've just got to let Aunt Poppy do her thing, okay? You and I both have to rest. It's been quite a night for all three of us."
"I-I don't want to sleep, Moony Da," Harry admitted quietly, looking down. He started to shake his head, worried about the nightmare that would plague his sleep.
"Hey, hey. We don't need to sleep right now. We just need to rest our bodies, okay? C'mere, you can lay with me."
Remus lay on the bed and Harry situated himself between Remus' legs and laid his head on his shoulder.
"See," Remus hummed. "Isn't that better?"
"Mmhmm," Harry agreed. He looked over at Sirius who was quietly bickering with Poppy.
"I'm good, Poppy, really. I don't need that!" Sirius hissed as Poppy put her hands on her hips, giving him a silencing look.
"Yeah," Harry giggled. "Dadfoot will be fine."
"He'll be more than fine," Remus corrected. "He'll be good. Arguing with Poppy is a good sign."
Harry smiled and shut his eyes. Moony Da was right (as usual). Dadfoot was here and safe. All would be okay.
Or so he thought.
Trauma is a bitch.
The adrenaline of the situation was wearing off and despite being terrified to go to sleep, Harry did fall asleep after Minerva placed a blanket on him and Remus.
A few hours later, Harry was once again in the throes of a nightmare. He woke up, screaming. Sirius was already at his side and Remus was still behind him, trying to keep him safe.
"Harry, are you okay?" Sirius asked.
"You were dead!" Harry cried, bursting into tears.
"I'm not dead, Harry. I'm right here. I'm safe and we're all together. Nothing happened."
"Was my fault!" Harry insisted.
"It wasn't your fault at all," Sirius said, giving Harry's hand a squeeze.
"You are not to blame. You are not responsible for anyone else's actions. Death Eaters are to blame. Voldemort is to blame. In your nightmare, you are still not to blame."
Harry sniffed, calming down his cries, but didn't buy it.
"Harry, you are so important to us. You are a gift," Remus said, knowing that Harry was probably running lies through his head.
Harry made a noise to acknowledge Remus but didn't say anything else.
Sirius and Remus exchanged looks.
"What can we do to support you right now?" Remus asked.
Harry shrugged. "I just want some space."
Harry crawled off of Remus' bed and moved over to the one he was at earlier. It was cold and uncomfortable and Harry felt like he deserved it.
"Harry, don't shut yourself up. We're here for you," Remus reminded him, going over to the bed with Sirius.
Shit, he'd have to be more creative than that.
"Listen, I feel guilty right now and I know you both tell me why I shouldn't, but I do. Let me sort out my feelings right now. I'll even journal if you summon my journal."
"We can do that," Remus agreed slowly. "I want you to get us if you need help or are struggling."
"I can do that," Harry agreed. "I just want some space right now."
Sirius had summoned Harry's journal and it flew into the hospital wing and into Sirius' hands. "Here you go, Pup."
"Thanks," Harry muttered. He opened it up before quickly closing it. "Wait, how'd you get it? I brought it with us on the trip."
"Our suitcases came back. They're magically charmed to follow us. It's all waiting for us in our quarters," Sirius assured him.
Harry didn't fully understand, but he was okay with not knowing everything about magic. "Okay. Thanks," Harry said.
"Are you sure you don't want to talk about anything?" Remus asked, trying to catch Harry's eye.
Harry kept his eyes downcast. "'M sure."
"Okay. We're here if you need anything," Remus insisted.
Harry nodded and turned to his journal as Remus and Sirius went back to their beds.
Harry tried to write but felt their eyes on him. He sighed and grabbed a divider to put between them.
"Harry," Remus said, tiredly.
"If you weren't staring at me I wouldn't have to do this," Harry snapped.
"Remus!" Harry heard Sirius hiss behind the dividers.
Sirius said something else Harry couldn't make out before it was silent. Harry was sure that a silencing charm was put up, but didn't care. He just wanted space.
He began to doodle at first as thoughts ran through his mind quicker than he could put them on paper.
I'm glad they're safe, but I also feel so guilty.
I was so happy to see them and only wanted to be with them and now I want to get away.
What is even wrong with me?
This wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for me!
I have to find a way to end this.
I just feel so guilty.
Harry sighed and flipped the page and began writing. He wrote about how nice the time he spent at the cottage and Black manor was before the incident and how he actually thought things were looking up.
Harry scoffed at himself and kept writing.
He really felt like he ruined the vacation for Remus and Sirius and they got hurt.
Harry was determined to make it right, whatever that looked like.
Eventually, Harry stopped writing and slid his journal underneath his pillow. He pulled the covers up and closed his eyes, pretending to sleep so Madame Pomfrey would be satisfied if she walked by.
At one point, Remus or Sirius checked on him and saw he was "sleeping" which made them feel better.
Remus and Sirius were able to fall back asleep and Harry was relieved when he heard some soft snoring come from Sirius.
He thought about getting up and escaping, but if he knew his godparents, Aunt Poppy, and grandparents (and boy did he), they put charms on it to alert them if Harry left.
Instead, Harry got comfortable in his bed and closed his eyes again, waiting to leave and hide away.
Eventually, Harry "woke up", shortly after Remus and Sirius. Poppy had moved the divider and gave them all a clean bill of health before allowing them to return to the Marauder Quarters with strict instructions to rest.
When they got to their quarters, Remus and Sirius led Harry to the sitting room. They sat Harry in between them on the couch.
Harry squirmed in between them. He didn't like how that felt. He got up and moved to the armchair, but that felt too formal and stiff. He then moved to the floor so his back was leaning against the armchair and that felt better.
"You good, Harry?" Sirius asked, watching his godson.
"I had to move. This feels right," Harry explained simply.
Sirius nodded at Harry and then looked over to Remus.
"I'm glad you're comfortable, Harry. We're going to join you on the floor, okay?" Remus told him, moving the coffee table in between them.
"You don't have to," Harry protested, grabbing a fidget off the table before it moved.
"We want to," Remus assured him.
Sirius and Remus made their way to the floor and leaned against the couch. "How're you doing, Harry?" Remus asked kindly.
Harry shrugged and fiddled with the fidget. He couldn't make eye contact right now with how overwhelmed he was.
Remus knew that when Harry was struggling, he had sensory issues. He could tell once Harry was too uncomfortable sitting in between him and Sirius that he was having trouble, and sitting on the floor with a fidget confirmed it. He didn't want to push Harry, but he also wanted to make sure he was safe.
"Harry, neither of us want you blaming yourself. We know when you get in your head and it worries us. We love you and want to make sure that you're safe," Remus said gently.
Harry didn't know how to reply. It was quiet for a minute as Harry struggled to verbalize his thoughts. He eventually said, "It's too much right now."
That's when Remus knew that he had to stop. Harry was able to say that he couldn't handle anymore and that was completely okay. He was proud of Harry for speaking up and advocating for himself.
"I hear you, Harry. What would be best for you right now?" Remus asked.
"I just wanna go in my room and be in my bed," Harry mumbled.
"Alright," Remus agreed. Harry's room was still free from anything he could use to harm himself. "We're right here. Holler if you need anything, okay?"
Harry nodded with his eyes still downcast. He mumbled something and headed to his room. He got to his door, paused, and then went back. He silently set his wand down on the table and then went back to his bed.
"Moony," Sirius whined, worried about his son.
"He's safe, Padfoot. There's nothing in his room he can use to harm himself. He even left his wand out here so that way he wouldn't be tempted. That's a good thing, Sirius."
Sirius sighed. "It might be, but I'm still worried!"
"And that's okay. Harry's safe right now and that's what I want you to remember."
Sirius nodded, taking a deep breath. "I'll try."
Remus kissed Sirius' head. "We're in this together."
Meanwhile, Harry, after setting down his wand, went into his room and shut his door. He climbed into his bed and made sure to pull his weighted blanket over him and then his comforter. He pulled them all the way up and held Prongsy close to him.
While Harry was nearly 16, ever since he was young he would self-soothe or stim by pulling on one of the antlers. That still hasn't changed. Harry tried to calm down, but he was still overwhelmed. Harry wanted to call for Moony, but it seemed like so much effort.
Harry sighed and weakly called out, "Moony Da!" He hoped that Remus' animagus hearing would come through for him.
Luckily, it did. Remus heard Harry and knocked on his door. "Harry? Did you call me?"
"Yeah," Harry replied.
"Can I come in?" Remus asked.
"Yeah."
Remus came in and gave Harry a warm smile. He saw Harry underneath his weighted blanket and pulling on Prong's antler. He had many memories of Harry doing that when he was younger.
"How can I help, Cub?" Remus asked.
"Can you make this blanket heavier?"
Harry's blanket was already 15 pounds (6.80 kg), but Remus didn't mind making it a bit heavier. He waved his wand and the blanket became 5 pounds heavier to a 20 lb (9.07 kg) blanket.
"How's that?" Remus asked.
"Mmm. Better," Harry replied, his body instantly becoming more settled.
"I'm glad. It's a charm that's going to last a day. Thanks for asking. We're here if you need anything," Remus reminded his son.
However, due to the trauma, Harry has experienced in the past day, he already began to dissociate.
"I love you, Cub," Remus whispered before shutting the door.
When Remus went back to his husband, Sirius was eagerly awaiting an update, as if it hadn't been only two minutes since Harry left the sitting room in the first place.
"He's good, Siri. He just asked for the blanket to be heavier."
"Oh, good," Sirius replied, relieved.
"We've just got to give him some space to process right now. We'll keep an eye on him."
"Yeah. Yeah, we will," Sirius agreed.
Sirius looked away and Remus sat down next to him. "What's going on, Love? Do you want to talk about it?"
Sirius shrugged but began to talk anyway. "I was so scared when I saw the Death Eaters and Harry's reaction just scared me more. He wanted to fight so badly. I don't know how you managed to restrain him," Sirius commented.
"It was scary. And Harry did want to fight. I'm glad we were both there to take care of the situation. What happened with you?"
Sirius sighed. He looked away but slipped his hand into Remus'. I shut down the floo and went downstairs to grab the portkey. They managed to get in as I was grabbing it. One got a stinging hex at me as I was disappearing. I got to Hogsmeade and I was quickly joined by Filus, Hagrid, and Albus. I assume that was your doing?"
Remus nodded.
"Thanks. I didn't know if they were going to show up there. Maybe they did, but Albus was enough to scare them away. I realized I hurt my ankle as we were getting back to Hogwarts. Hagrid helped me up until the wing. I was so glad to see that you and Harry were safe."
"I was so glad to see you were safe. I was so worried. I didn't want to leave you," Remus admitted.
"You did the right thing. Do you hear me, Remus? I wanted you to take Harry to safety. We needed to get him out of there as soon as possible. Despite what he thinks, he is still a child and our child at that. You did the right thing."
Remus let out a relieved sigh. He didn't realize how much he needed to hear that. "I love you, Sirius Black."
"And I love you, Remus Lupin."
Harry spent the rest of the day in his bed, even when his parents managed to coax food down his throat for dinner. Padfoot spent the night with him and the next day Remus joined Harry again.
"Hey, Cub. How're you doing?"
Harry shrugged. He was much more with it now and he was in his usual headspace. "I'm okay."
"I was hoping to talk to you today more about what happened. Do you think you're up for it?"
"I think so. Are we going to your office?"
"If that's alright with you," Remus said.
"Can I use a weighted blanket there?" Harry asked.
"Of course," Remus replied, giving him a smile.
Remus helped Harry out of bed and they made their way out of their quarters. They got to Remus' office and Remus immediately put a weighted blanket on Harry.
It was raining outside, which fit the mood quite nicely. Remus lit a fire and sat down in his armchair.
"I know this situation is a lot to handle. Do you want to talk first, or have me ask some easier questions first?"
"Easier questions," Harry replied.
While it's encouraged not to ask yes/no questions and other black-and-white questions in therapy, Remus has found that it's helpful for Harry and some other clients to start sessions with it. It helps break the ice and allows them time to open up. Remus certainly doesn't do this with all of his clients, but he does with Harry.
"Are you feeling better than the day it all happened?" Remus asked.
"I think so," Harry replied, scrunching up his nose. "I mean I don't have to have a calming draught."
"While that's true, I'm asking about how you feel. Feelings don't have to be backed up with events or facts. Feelings are facts just by themselves."
Harry sat back and thought about what Remus had said. "Huh. I guess you're right?"
"I am," Remus said with certainty. He leaned forward and folded his hands on his knees, giving Harry a warm smile. "Your feelings are facts."
Harry let that sit with him a bit longer, before putting it to the side for later. "I do feel better than I did. Knowing Dadfoot is safe helps me feel better. But I'm still so confused about it."
"Confused how?" Remus asked.
"I mean yes, how it happened, but more like why it has to be this way. I'm confused about how I want to move forward. I am so angry about the fact that they went after us and that I couldn't fight. I feel like I'm burdening your lives with the baggage I bring. I know you've already explained it, but it's how I feel. Ah! And that means it's a fact!" Harry added smugly.
Remus smiled at Harry and shook his head. "I mean your feelings don't need proof to exist and what you feel is a fact. It doesn't, however, mean that the thoughts that go along with your feelings are correct."
"So they're wrong?" Harry asked, dryly.
"No," Remus sighed. He was quiet for a moment to think about how he could get Harry to understand this. "May I use an example from my life to better explain this?" Remus asked.
Harry nodded.
"I feel like a burden because I am a werewolf. Now, my feelings are real and valid, right?"
Harry nodded slowly.
"My feelings are a fact. That's how I feel. I feel like a burden. The reasoning behind it, is real and valid as well, right?"
Harry nodded.
"My reasoning is about being a werewolf. Now it's not wrong or bad, but it's incorrect. Am I a burden because I am a werewolf?" Remus asked.
Harry shook his head. "No way! You're the best ever!"
Remus smiled. "Well, thank you. I appreciate that. I can validate my feelings and also realize that the thoughts behind them aren't correct or healthy. It doesn't make them, or you, "wrong". It just means that there's something to work through. Does that make sense?" Remus asked.
"Yes," Harry admitted. "It's a lot easier just to blame myself and be done with it, though,"
Remus chuckled. "I know what you mean. Trust me, it's worth it to work through it."
"I'm trying," Harry sighed, pulling a pillow close to his chest.
"I know you are," Remus validated giving Harry a sympathetic smile.
Harry was quiet as he looked out the window and watched the rain hit the glass. "I just hate feeling this way," Harry admitted.
"Tell me more about the feelings you have," Remus questioned softly.
Harry let out a frustrated breath. He wasn't frustrated at Remus, not really, but more at the situation. "I'm angry. And hurt, confused, and s-sad, I guess? I hate feeling all of these things and hurting you and Dadfoot with it."
"You're not hurting us at all," Remus reminded him. "Remember, Harry, Voldemort would've gone after us even if you weren't born. We defied him and fought him before you were even conceived. You are our everything."
Harry forgot about that. He sighed and let some hot air out. "Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. I just wish I wasn't in the middle of it."
Remus nodded. "I hear that. I wish you weren't, either. We can do all we can to keep you out of the middle of it for as long as we can."
"I know you will and I know you have been. I mean, Once you and Dadfoot got me, I had a really great childhood. Like, the best."
"You don't have to say that, Harry. I know it wasn't all fun."
"It was the best! I mean, I have two gay godparents who are the kings of pranks and loved and love me so much. Like it was so much fun. We had the best adventures together."
"Those were fun. When this is all over we can go on another one."
"Yeah. That'd be nice," Harry said.
Remus wanted to give Harry things to look forward to and live for. He knew how important those are.
Remus and Harry talked more about what happened at the cottage and Black Manor. As they were finishing up their session, Remus said, "Harry, trauma is unpredictable. Feelings can hit us at any time. If you feel triggered or feel the urge to hurt yourself, I want you to reach out. You matter and I want to keep you safe, okay?"
Harry could hear how Remus was and could tell that his uncle was worried. "I'll try," Harry replied honestly.
"That's all I can ask for," Remus said. "Do you want a hug before we end?"
Harry nodded and got up to give Remus a hug. Harry felt the warmth of Remus' hug and relaxed in it. "I love you, Moony Da."
"I love you too, Harry."
While Harry was still working out what had happened, he tried to get back to doing some "normal" things, which included his lessons with Minerva. Boy, did they have a lot to talk about.
Harry had already talked to Minerva about what happened with Severus, but they talked more about how the transformation felt (Harry wasn't expecting that pain) and if he's done it since.
"No, I haven't," Harry replied honestly. "I wanted to try when we were at the cottage, but I just enjoyed having some time without my thoughts."
"I don't blame you," Minerva said, sipping from her tea cup. "I have to say, your thoughts are different in your animagus mind. I know you didn't have the chance for that to register when you transformed, but they are much simpler if that makes sense. You have animalistic thoughts which tend to be more primitive."
"Interesting," Harry said. "So maybe it'll help if I need to quiet my mind down?"
"I'm sure it could be a strategy," Minerva replied.
"Cool! Can I try again now?" Harry asked.
Minerva chuckled. "Not this second. We're going outside before you try to transform again. Before we do that, however, I want to talk to you about how you're thinking about telling your parents."
Harry grinned. He was looking forward to this most of all. "I have a few ideas, but I want to surprise them."
"Oh, I'm going to love this," Minerva gushed. While she loved her boys with her whole heart, it was like a slice of payback for all the gray hairs they'd given her.
"I don't know if I want to do it during a full moon or not, but it'd be fun to do if I could keep Dadfoot as Padfoot and Moony Da as Moony. That way they wouldn't be able to say anything. I'd have to slip them something in their drinks, though," Harry pointed out, giving Minerva a look.
"I sit next to them at meals. Say no more," Minerva said, waving her hand.
"Merlin, Grandma Min! You're such a rebel!"
"I did help raise the Marauders. I have learned a thing or two."
"You know all of Gryffindor house would never believe me, right?"
"And it's going to stay that way, isn't it? I can let it get out that I have a soft side."
"Grandma Min!" Harry protested.
"I may be your grandmother, but I have to be scary enough for everyone else to listen to me. Is that fair?"
"Of course, Grandma Min. I was just teasing you," Harry said.
"Little bugger," Minerva said, rolling her eyes.
"Thanks for helping me become an animagus and all, Grandma Min. It's helped a lot. Once I tell my dads, do you think I'd still be able to, y'know, come and see you?"
"Of course! I'm still your grandmother, aren't I? Besides, I don't think I'd let you stay away from me!" Minerva said.
"I love you," Harry said, giving her a hug.
"I love you, too. Now, would you like to go and practice your transformation?" Minerva offered.
Harry hopped up. "Yes!"
Minerva took Harry outside near the edge of the forest (but not too close) where they practiced him transforming. Harry was able to do it two more times before Minerva called it a day and brought Harry back to the Marauder Quarters. She told Sirius and Remus that they had a productive and fruitful tutoring session, but Harry was worn out and needed a hearty dinner and then bed.
Remus took Harry to the kitchen while Sirius stayed by the transfiguration professor.
"What are you teaching him, Minerva?" Sirius asked, clearly intrigued.
"Just getting him ready for next year. 6th year may be a break for many students, but we know Harry has other matters on his plate."
That sobered Sirius up. "You're right. Thanks, Minerva."
"Of course. I'll see you all tomorrow in the Great Hall?"
"Yes, ma'am," Sirius replied. He kissed her on the cheek and joined his husband and son in their kitchen for dinner.
Harry was so exhausted that he didn't have trouble falling asleep, but he woke up from a nightmare. Harry was quiet enough not to wake Sirius and Remus up, but he was certainly distraught.
Harry got out of bed and paced around his bedroom before getting back in bed. He had another nightmare about how Sirius could've been killed by the death eaters and Remus blamed him.
Deep, deep down Harry heard a small part of him (which sounded suspiciously like Remus) tell him that it wasn't true, that it was a nightmare, and he should go get Remus and Sirius, but Harry's fears and anxiety squashed that voice before he could even give it a second thought.
'No. I deserve this,' Harry thought.
After sitting in bed and staring at the wall for an hour, Harry couldn't take the thoughts in his head anymore. He went to his desk, cast Lumos with his wand, and did some more summer reading.
He was actually able to finish his History homework because Sirius assigned so little summer homework (and Harry knew Sirius didn't care about it anyways- he was just required to assign it).
Harry was able to start his heading on Charms and Remus woke up when Harry was in the middle of summarizing a chapter.
"Cub?" Remus asked lightly, opening the door.
"Moony Da? Is everything okay?" Harry asked, startled by the interruption.
"Yes, it is. I saw that there was a light under your door and I wanted to make sure you were alright. It's not like you to be up this early."
"Couldn't sleep so I started on some homework," Harry said, trying to sound nonchalant about it.
Remus saw right through him. He gave Harry a sympathetic smile. "Harry, Love. How are you doing?" Remus asked as he stepped in and sat on Harry's bed.
Harry groaned. "Moony Da, I'm just tired. You don't have to worry."
"I always worry. Do you want to talk about it?"
"No, I don't. And I was doing homework so I was coping just fine, er, I was coping well."
"Okay, okay. I understand you don't want to talk. If you want any breakfast I'll be making it. I'm in the kitchen if you need or want anything," Remus said, putting his hands up in surrender.
"Thanks, Moony Da," Harry called over his shoulder as he walked out.
Remus smiled and shut the door behind him. He knew that Harry was coping well at the moment and wasn't in at an immediate risk of hurting himself or others, but he just couldn't shake the feeling that something was off with his son. He just didn't want Harry to get hurt.
Unfortunately for Remus, that was all Harry could think about, or well, try not to think about.
Harry finished summarizing a Charms chapter before getting breakfast with Remus and then going back to bed. He stil couldn't sleep as he was plagued with the guilt of (in his mind) almost killing Sirius and putting Remus at risk, too.
Harry could tell that he really wanted to hurt himself and the urge was getting stronger. He had finally convinced himself to get an adult, but as soon as he opened his door, he heard Sirius and Remus talking.
"He's basically family, Sirius. I know it would be easier to just forget about him, but it's almost impossible to forget about him now. He's a pain to deal with, but I don't know how we can just ignore him."
"Watch me," Sirius shot back.
"I'm not too fond of him either, right now. Trust me," Remus said.
"He put my life in danger!" Sirius insisted.
Harry was frozen, but that sentence caused his heart to drop. He somehow managed to silently shut the door and run to his bed. He knew it. He knew Remus and Sirius would be mad at him. He didn't blame them either.
Harry didn't hear the rest of the conversation, however.
"Sirius you're being a bit dramatic," Remus said. "Snape shouldn't have done that to Harry, but it wasn't your life."
"Harry is my life! I can't do anything without him! And I'm so worried about him!"
"I know, I know," Remus murmured, taking Sirius' hand in his own. "We don't need to trust him, but we do need to work on letting go of some of the anger we have. Albus says he's making strides in his recovery and does feel remorseful."
"As he should," Sirius pointed out.
"Yes, he should. He's giving us space to process and eventually forgive if that's possible. We just have to keep working on it."
"You're the best, Moony. Thank you," Sirius said, kissing his husband. "And we have a wonderful son."
"That we do," Remus agreed.
Their wonderful son, however, was in immense pain. He was in shock for a whole minute, before the tears started to well up and pour down his face. His worst fears were confirmed and he heard it with his own ears!
Harry cried for another minute before sitting up. He had his wand and quickly cast diffindo on his arm, trying to relieve the pain. He only did it a few times, not wanting to alert his dads. It was enough for him to wait long enough for Remus and Sirius to move out of the sitting room and into the kitchen for Sirius to eat breakfast.
Harry took that as his chance.
Harry quietly slipped out, not wanting his dads to hear anything. He made sure he shut the door at the same time Sirius laughed at something so they wouldn't hear it.
As soon as the door was shut, Harry bolted. He ran across the castle into an empty corridor. There, Harry was able to grab a stick that had been blown in from the rain the other day. He was able to transfigure that into a knife and decided to use it to hurt himself.
Harry didn't cut that deep but cut deep enough to bleed.
He was hurting so much. On one hand, he couldn't believe that Sirius was so sick of him. On the other hand, it was his biggest fear that Sirius and Remus would grow tired of him, so it wasn't exactly a new thought.
Harry groaned at his brain not making sense and made another cut on his arm. He cried but was thankful for the release. He was so hurt and this was the only thing he could think of that made him feel better.
Harry continued to hurt himself and somewhere deep down he knew that someone might come across him eventually, but he was not expecting Draco Malfoy to walk by him only a few minutes later. Harry didn't realize that Draco had returned from Blaine's house a couple of days ago.
"Harry? Harry!" Draco said, rushing toward him. "Harry, what happened?" Draco asked, gently grabbing Harry's arm.
"I deserve it. Just leave me be!" Harry insisted, trying to pull his arm away.
"No, I'm not going to do that," Draco stated. He was wearing a light jacket and pulled off his shirt and tied it around Harry's arm.
"Draco, leave me be!" Harry insisted.
"Harry, I'm not going to take you somewhere right away, but I will if you keep fighting me," Draco warned as he finished knotting the shirt.
Harry sighed, accepting that he was caught. However, he still had the knife. Harry grabbed the blade and began to grip it tighter, feeling his hand that Draco wasn't working on, become pierced by the blade.
Draco, however, quickly saw that Harry had stopped fighting and saw the dissociated state that Harry was in.
"Harry? Harry?" Draco asked softly. He leaned over Harry to look into his face when he saw more blood on Harry's other side. It brought his sight to Harry's hand where the knife was.
"Harry, no," Draco said. He unclenched Harry's hand, ignoring the whimpers from Harry, and pushed the knife across the corridor.
"Draco, you don't get it! I need it!" Harry whined, reaching for the knife.
"And I'm happy to listen, but I've got to heal your hand first," Draco replied.
Harry kept moving and Draco promptly sat on his legs. He took Harry's hand into his own and healed the abrasions with his wand.
"Now, I want to talk to you, can I move?" Draco asked.
Harry nodded, looking out the window.
Draco got off of Harry and Harry scooched more into the corner, away from Draco.
Draco sighed. He didn't mean to be too firm with him, he was just so worried about his friend.
"Harry, you're safe with me. I didn't mean to be harsh. I'm sorry."
Harry whimpered. He clenched his hand into a fist and tried to focus on his nails in his hands.
"Harry, can you hear me?" Draco asked gently, taking a step forward.
Harry didn't reply.
Draco sighed and looked around. He saw the knife and quickly banished it before turning back to Harry. He slowly went closer to Harry and gently put his hands on Harry's arms.
"I'm going to push on your arms, okay, Harry?" Draco said softly.
Harry didn't reply.
Draco carefully and evenly provided pressure on Harry's arms (above his cuts) until Harry blinked.
"Draco?"
"I'm here," Draco smiled, still applying pressure.
"I n-needed to do it," Harry explained, still looking away.
"What happened?" Draco asked.
"I heard them. They're sick of me. I'm a burden."
"They would never say that, Harry," Draco reminded Harry.
Harry shook his head. "I heard them! Dadfoot is mad that I almost killed him."
"What?" Draco said before shaking his head. "Nevermind, not the time. I know they love you and would do anything for you. I'm sure you misheard them."
"Draco, I didn't. I needed this!" Harry cried.
"Hey, I'm here. We've got to dress your arm, though. I don't know how deep those cuts are."
"It's fine," Harry mumbled.
"Maybe for you, but not for me. C'mon," Draco said.
Harry shook his head. "I-I don't want to go anywhere. I can't."
Draco held back a sigh. He was worried about Harry. He'd never seen him like this before.
"Okay, we can stay here for another minute. What do you need, Harry?"
"My blade," Harry mumbled as his eyes searched the ground, not realizing that Draco banished it.
"What can I do for you?" Draco asked.
"I- I don't know," Harry whimpered.
He didn't want to be here. He didn't want to be anywhere. He just wanted to hide and never come out.
Just as Draco was feeling like he didn't know what else to do, Remus and Sirius came sprinting into the corridor.
They had realized that he was missing when Sirius went to check on him after he heard Remus' concerns. They quickly got the map and ran to him.
"Harry? Harry!" Sirius cried.
Draco stood up and looked at the professors. He shook his head and went to them and whispered, "He's not okay right now. I banished the knife he used. He's really not okay."
Sirius went to go toward him and Draco put a hand out. "I don't know what you said, but he thinks you both are sick of him and he thinks you," Draco pointed at Sirius, "are mad at him for almost killing you? I don't know what happened or what he heard, but he's hurt."
Sirius locked eyes with Remus and both looked at each other.
"What'd he hear, Moony?" Sirius asked, brokenhearted.
"I- I don't know," Remus replied honestly, unsure. "I do know that Harry needs someone right now," Remus replied. Remus slowly went over to Harry.
"Harry, it's Moony Da. Can I come by you?"
Harry looked up and saw Remus' face. "No. I know you don't want me!"
"Draco, get Professor McGonagall. Now."
Draco ran off, doing as he was told.
"Harry, I don't know what you heard, but we do want you, very much. We love you."
Harry shook his head, new tears forming.
"I know you don't believe me right now, but we do."
Harry felt his hand instinctively went to his wrist to scratch, despite Draco's shirt.
"No, Harry," Remus said softly, reaching out. "You're safe. You're loved."
Harry began to fight Remus with more force. "Harry, love. Take a deep breath," Remus said.
Harry shook his head, wishing he had the strength to get up and run away.
Remus knew that he had to do something to stop the situation from escalating. He knew Minerva was coming, but he wasn't sure how long that was going to take.
Remus quickly moved behind Harry. He wrapped his arms and legs around his struggling child. At first, Harry resisted, but Remus kept talking soothingly to Harry, calming him down.
"Take some breaths, Cub. You're safe. Listen to my heart. You're safe. Shhh, I've got you," Remus soothed.
Sirius watched from a distance, not wanting to interfere.
Harry did hear Remus talking calmly to him and started to settle down.
"There you go, Love. That's it. Deep breaths now, that's a boy," Remus praised.
While Harry was calming down, Remus hoped that Minerva would get here soon. They needed to take care of Harry now.
Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)
14. Listen to music
15. Ice cubes (hold them, put them where you want to harm yourself)
Suicide Hotlines:
USA: 988 (press 1 for veterans)
Canada: 1 (833) 456 4566
France: 0145394000
Italy: 800860022
UK: 0800 689 5652 OR 116 123
Brazil: 188
India: 9999 666 555
Mexico: 5255102550
Romania: 0800 801 200